The Onion reflects on the Johnny Carson’s final Tonight Show with special guest Saddam Hussein, the opening of the Brooklyn Bridge which revolutionized suicide in the hellhole of New York City, and the day Christopher Reeve came in last place in a h...
Potentially offering hope to millions of Americans struggling with psychological and emotional problems, a study published this week in The New England Journal Of Medicine found that test subjects were capable of fully resolving their anxiety by thinking ...
Sasha Obama becomes suspicious after doing a little digging around on Benghazi, this has to be the year a local miniature golf course goes out of business, and a dude with a knit hat at a party calls beer 'libations.' It's the week of May 17, 2013
Media consumers across the United States are reporting this week that sponsored content—articles and videos paid for by advertisers and distributed by print and digital publications—is easily the coolest ... Full Report
A heartbroken Chris Brown always thought Rihanna was the woman he'd beat to death, a mentally unstable man is planning on exhibiting one or two more warning signs before finally doing this, and a snooze button time travler sets his coordinates for 5-minut...
Local mentally ill man Michael Redding, 26, announced his intention Thursday to display one or two further instances of troubling behavior before finally going ahead and carrying out what he has planned.
Following the saboteur antics of a prankster focus group that reportedly convinced company officials the drink was not only palatable but delicious, PepsiCo announced Thursday the launch of its new Mountain Dew CinnaBlast beverage.
UMass Dartmouth is beginning to regret offering a course in Applied Domestic Terrorism, a social media rockstar makes $28,000 a year, and Miami Dolphins wide receiver Mike Wallace comes out as a stupid asshole.
Widely regarded as one of the online world’s brightest personalities, sources confirmed Friday that famed 28-year-old social media rock star Ryan Wasserman, better known as @RWthinks by his legions of passionate fans, makes roughly $28,000 per year.
A study finds that wolf attacks are still the leading cause of death in America, a man says 'fuck it' and eats lunch and 10:58 a.m., and Dzhokar Tsarnaev posts bail.
A report published Friday by a team of sociologists has confirmed there are apparently people living in the world today who are deeply concerned about the current state of hip-hop and who continually express genuine worry over the musical genre’s fu...
Next week's school shooting victims thank the members of Senate for failing to pass the gun bill, the cutest guy in an office is not particularly attractive, and an area man is tired of rushing home to hug his loved ones.
Saying that he’s “okay-looking but definitely nothing special,” employees at Southeastern Publishing Services reported Wednesday that Brian Tyler, a 27-year-old digital communications coordinator widely considered to be the cutest guy in...
Leading social media site HarvardConnection is now valued at $400 billion, a couple is making out like its fucking Paris, and a freezing coatless woman has decided it's spring.
After over seven years of weekly meetings with his psychiatrist, 35-year-old Chris Vaughan told reporters Friday he is thrilled to be just two 45-minute sessions away from completely resolving all of his problems.
According to locals waiting for the westbound number 66 shuttle at Chicago Avenue and Racine Avenue, a young man and woman seated on a bench at the bus stop are currently making out like it’s fucking Paris or something.
The bestselling author of “The Spooky Truth” series wants to teach kids that pulling back the curtain on what the government doesn’t want us to know can be fun!
While declaring that the musical instrument was by no means ideally suited to the task, a report released by the National Endowment for the Arts Thursday concluded that the saxophone nevertheless remains a fairly decent vehicle for expressing one’s ...
An aquarium unveils its new 'Floating Carcasses of the Pacific' exhibit, a guy with 10,000 tweets and 15 followers is about ready to hang it up, and a local father buys string cheese to make coming to his house more fun. It's the week of March 29, 2013.
Expressing shame and remorse in an email to the students of Hamilton College on Friday, disgraced student affairs coordinator Jessica Li, 20, regretfully informed undergraduates that there would be no cool events occurring on campus this weekend.
On Today NOW!, the savvy businessman who turned a zoo on the verge of bankruptcy into a money-making machine shares management tips with Jim and Tracy.
Saying that he’s probably done all he could possibly do at this point, Twitter user Aaron Gartner confirmed Tuesday that after posting 10,000 tweets and accumulating just 15 followers, the 26-year-old is pretty much ready to pack it in and discontin...
The Onion looks back at the romantic summer evening Pol Pot was conceived, the Panama Canal going over budget by 10,000 dead laborers, and the Beatles playing to 60,000 fans at Shea Stadium in a huge gig opening for the Mamas and the Papas.
The Onion looks back at the admission of Ant Colony 000082567KLN00067X into the Union, Nelson Mandela becoming fully rehabilitated through South Africa's stellar penal system, and the day construction workers realized they built the Erie Canal in the wro...
The Onion looks back at on the day man first walked on the moon—the fucking moon for Christ's sake; the creation of the Bible by a struggling Baltimore book salesman; and Reagan’s promise that Andre the Giant will one day get body slammed if h...
The Onion looks at the discovery of a group of North Dakotan coal miners that would become the cast of 'Happy Days,' the Supreme Court ruling that allowed black students to experience racism first hand in desegregated schools, and the historic hot air bal...
The Onion looks back at the release of David Bowie's 'The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust,' which popularized Glam Rock, Glam Politics, and Glam Sports, Charles Darwin killing and eating the last dodo, and D-Day, when brave U.S.
The Onion reflects on the Johnny Carson’s final Tonight Show with special guest Saddam Hussein, the opening of the Brooklyn Bridge which revolutionized suicide in the hellhole of New York City, and the day Christopher Reeve came in last place in a h...
The Onion reflects on Bette Davis’s film debut as a piece of chocolate cake, Lindbergh’s historic flight across the Atlantic Ocean after decades of disastrous test runs with dog pilots, and the opening of the first McDonald’s with a young Grimace just starting out as a cashier.
The Onion looks back at Alabama's first desegregated mass suicide, the historic V.E. Day Speech from FDR's rotting corpse, and the completion of the transcontinental railroad with the gold-plated femur of a Chinaman.
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