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13-Year-Old Drinking Prodigy Accepted To Ohio State

13-Year-Old Drinking Prodigy Accepted To Ohio State

How To Spice Up The Romantic Wedding Moments Every Bride Shares With Her Father

How To Spice Up The Romantic Wedding Moments Every Bride Shares With Her Father

This Week On Today Now!

This Week On Today Now!

Romantic Boyfriend Surprises Girlfriend With Valentine’s Day Love Labyrinth

Romantic Boyfriend Surprises Girlfriend With Valentine’s Day Love Labyrinth

Parenting Expert Has Nerve To Tell You How To Raise Your Own Goddamn Kids

Parenting Expert Has Nerve To Tell You How To Raise Your Own Goddamn Kids

How To Channel Your Road Rage Into Cold, Calculating Road Revenge

How To Channel Your Road Rage Into Cold, Calculating Road Revenge

This Week On Today Now!

This Week On Today Now!

VIRAL VIDEO: High School Sophomore Sinks Incredible, Unnecessary Half-Court Shot

VIRAL VIDEO: High School Sophomore Sinks Incredible, Unnecessary Half-Court Shot

Popular Children's Book Author Reveals The 'Spooky Truth' About Creepy Conspiracy Theories

Popular Children's Book Author Reveals The 'Spooky Truth' About Creepy Conspiracy Theories

Is This 'Real Life Mr. Ed' Just A Horse Owned By A Lunatic?

Is This 'Real Life Mr. Ed' Just A Horse Owned By A Lunatic?

How To Get Your Son To Remove His Halloween Costume

How To Get Your Son To Remove His Halloween Costume

New Ad Urges Hipsters To Go To Applebee's Ironically

New Ad Urges Hipsters To Go To Applebee's Ironically

Medium Channels The Spirits Of Old Acquaintances For Awkward Small Talk

Medium Channels The Spirits Of Old Acquaintances For Awkward Small Talk

Planning A Spouse's Funeral Even Though They'll Probably Never Ever Die

Planning A Spouse's Funeral Even Though They'll Probably Never Ever Die

Today Now! Host Undergoes Horrifically Painful Surgery Live On Air

Today Now! Host Undergoes Horrifically Painful Surgery Live On Air

Woman Sets Record For Longest Amount Of Time Spent Talking About Oneself

Woman Sets Record For Longest Amount Of Time Spent Talking About Oneself

Boy Loses Leg In Totally Awesome Shark Attack

Boy Loses Leg In Totally Awesome Shark Attack

Dead Wife And Kids Replaced By Miniature Horses

Dead Wife And Kids Replaced By Miniature Horses

Millions Irrationally Feared Dead In Minor Train Accident

Millions Irrationally Feared Dead In Minor Train Accident

Today Now!: Save Money By Taking A Vacation Entirely In Your Mind

Today Now!: Save Money By Taking A Vacation Entirely In Your Mind

Missing Teen's Friends Go On TV To Plead For Her Release, Gossip About Ugly Classmates

Missing Teen's Friends Go On TV To Plead For Her Release, Gossip About Ugly Classmates

Today Now! Interviews The 5-Year-Old Screenwriter Of "Fast Five"

Today Now! Interviews The 5-Year-Old Screenwriter Of "Fast Five"

How To Get A Guy To Notice You While You're Having Sex With Him

How To Get A Guy To Notice You While You're Having Sex With Him

Chinese Gossip Blogger Fights For Freedom To Post Celebrity Up-Skirt Photos

Chinese Gossip Blogger Fights For Freedom To Post Celebrity Up-Skirt Photos

Oprah Invites Hundreds Of Lucky Fans To Be Buried With Her In Massive Tomb

Oprah Invites Hundreds Of Lucky Fans To Be Buried With Her In Massive Tomb

Bird Hunted To Near Extinction Due To Infuriating 'Fuck You' Call

Bird Hunted To Near Extinction Due To Infuriating 'Fuck You' Call

How To Play Golf Against The Man Whose Wife You're Banging On The Side

How To Play Golf Against The Man Whose Wife You're Banging On The Side

Today Now!: How To Thrust Your Fat Into A More Appealing Shape

Today Now!: How To Thrust Your Fat Into A More Appealing Shape

Jennifer Aniston Adopts 33-Year-Old Boyfriend From Africa

Jennifer Aniston Adopts 33-Year-Old Boyfriend From Africa

Girl Raised From Birth By Wolf Blitzer Taken Into Protective Custody

Girl Raised From Birth By Wolf Blitzer Taken Into Protective Custody

Restoration Of 'Star Spangled Banner' Uncovers Horrifying New Verses

Restoration Of 'Star Spangled Banner' Uncovers Horrifying New Verses

Census Visits Providing Shut-Ins Once-A-Decade Chance For Human Interaction

Census Visits Providing Shut-Ins Once-A-Decade Chance For Human Interaction

Incredibly Sexy Firefighter Tragically Dies In Steamy Blaze

Incredibly Sexy Firefighter Tragically Dies In Steamy Blaze

Advocacy Group: Mothers Have Right To Expose Milk-Engorged Breasts In Public

Advocacy Group: Mothers Have Right To Expose Milk-Engorged Breasts In Public

Man Attempts To Assassinate Obama, 'But Not Because He's Black Or Anything'

Man Attempts To Assassinate Obama, 'But Not Because He's Black Or Anything'

Hot New Relationship Book Warns Women: 'Wake Up! He's A Shapeshifter'

Hot New Relationship Book Warns Women: 'Wake Up! He's A Shapeshifter'

Boy’s Tragic Death Could Have Happened To Any Family With 20-Foot Pet Python

Boy’s Tragic Death Could Have Happened To Any Family With 20-Foot Pet Python

How To Put The Spark Back Into Your Relationship With Your Cat

How To Put The Spark Back Into Your Relationship With Your Cat

Internet Archaeologists Find Ruins Of 'Friendster' Civilization

Internet Archaeologists Find Ruins Of 'Friendster' Civilization

Adults Go Wild Over Latest In Children's Picture Book Series

Adults Go Wild Over Latest In Children's Picture Book Series

Boy Finds Own Real-Life E.T.

Boy Finds Own Real-Life E.T.

How To Find A Masculine Halloween Costume For Your Effeminate Son

How To Find A Masculine Halloween Costume For Your Effeminate Son

Stalker Financial Expert Offers Recession Tips Just For Woman He Follows

Stalker Financial Expert Offers Recession Tips Just For Woman He Follows

New Anti-Smoking Ads Warn Teens 'It's Gay To Smoke'

New Anti-Smoking Ads Warn Teens 'It's Gay To Smoke'

Little Boy Heroically Shoots, Mutilates Burglar

Little Boy Heroically Shoots, Mutilates Burglar

Facebook, Twitter Revolutionizing How Parents Stalk Their College-Aged Kids

Facebook, Twitter Revolutionizing How Parents Stalk Their College-Aged Kids

Ex-Pedophile Shares Tips On How To Make Your Kids Less Attractive

Ex-Pedophile Shares Tips On How To Make Your Kids Less Attractive

Overcome Stress By Visualizing It As A Greedy, Hook-Nosed Race Of Creatures

Overcome Stress By Visualizing It As A Greedy, Hook-Nosed Race Of Creatures

Police Still Searching For Missing Productive, Obedient Woman

Police Still Searching For Missing Productive, Obedient Woman

Human Rights Group Campaigns To End Use Of Child Politicians In Africa

Human Rights Group Campaigns To End Use Of Child Politicians In Africa

Taco Bell's New Green Menu Takes No Ingredients From Nature

Taco Bell's New Green Menu Takes No Ingredients From Nature

Gymnast Shawn Johnson Put To Sleep After Breaking Leg

Gymnast Shawn Johnson Put To Sleep After Breaking Leg

New BabySafe Ball Makes Shaking Your Infant Guilt And Injury Free

New BabySafe Ball Makes Shaking Your Infant Guilt And Injury Free

Pentagon Reports Army Mascot 'Liberty' Killed in Iraq

Pentagon Reports Army Mascot 'Liberty' Killed in Iraq

Special Boy With Freakishly Large Brain Wins Spelling Bee

Special Boy With Freakishly Large Brain Wins Spelling Bee

Autoworkers Compete to Keep Jobs, Livelihoods on New Reality Show

Autoworkers Compete to Keep Jobs, Livelihoods on New Reality Show

Morning Show Host Starts Charity To Rid World Of Flying Debris

Morning Show Host Starts Charity To Rid World Of Flying Debris

Courageous Man Refuses To Believe He Has Cancer

Courageous Man Refuses To Believe He Has Cancer

How To Wax Your Floors Without Slipping And Severing Your Spine

How To Wax Your Floors Without Slipping And Severing Your Spine

Police Say School Shooter Had Troubled Past, History Of School Shootings

Police Say School Shooter Had Troubled Past, History Of School Shootings

Man Who Crossed Nation In Balloon Only Wants To Talk About Horse Abuse

Man Who Crossed Nation In Balloon Only Wants To Talk About Horse Abuse

NASA Simulator Prepares Astronauts For Rigors Of An Interview With Larry King

NASA Simulator Prepares Astronauts For Rigors Of An Interview With Larry King

12-Year-Old Boy Scouts Volunteer To Give Women Breast Exams

12-Year-Old Boy Scouts Volunteer To Give Women Breast Exams

Disney Lab Unveils Its Latest Line Of Genetically Engineered Child Stars

Disney Lab Unveils Its Latest Line Of Genetically Engineered Child Stars

Being A Detective Who Talks To Ghosts Not As Exciting As It Looks On TV

Being A Detective Who Talks To Ghosts Not As Exciting As It Looks On TV

'Cosmopolitan' Institute Completes Decades-Long Study On How To Please Your Man

'Cosmopolitan' Institute Completes Decades-Long Study On How To Please Your Man

Chef Cooks 'Dream Omelet' From Recipe That Came To Him In A Dream

Chef Cooks 'Dream Omelet' From Recipe That Came To Him In A Dream

Bush Tours America To Survey Damage Caused By His Disastrous Presidency

Bush Tours America To Survey Damage Caused By His Disastrous Presidency

Today Now!: How To Pretend You Give A Shit About The Election

Today Now!: How To Pretend You Give A Shit About The Election

Diet Book Author Advocates New 'No Food Diet'

Diet Book Author Advocates New 'No Food Diet'

Age-Progression Technology Indicates Missing Child A Prostitute By Now

Age-Progression Technology Indicates Missing Child A Prostitute By Now

Today Now! Host Tracy Gill Recommends New Tracy Gill Biography

Today Now! Host Tracy Gill Recommends New Tracy Gill Biography

FCC Okays Nudity On TV If It’s Alyson Hannigan

FCC Okays Nudity On TV If It’s Alyson Hannigan

Expert On Anteaters Wasted Entire Life Studying Anteaters

Expert On Anteaters Wasted Entire Life Studying Anteaters

Child Bankrupts Make-A-Wish Foundation With Wish For Unlimited Wishes

Child Bankrupts Make-A-Wish Foundation With Wish For Unlimited Wishes

Evangeline Lilly Wins 'Best Wet T-Shirt Fight Scene' At Strong Women In TV Awards

Evangeline Lilly Wins 'Best Wet T-Shirt Fight Scene' At Strong Women In TV Awards

Fat Kid Successfully Avoids Ridicule By Swimming With Shirt On

Fat Kid Successfully Avoids Ridicule By Swimming With Shirt On

Medical Miracle: Man Lives Thanks To Heart Stolen From Dead Man

Medical Miracle: Man Lives Thanks To Heart Stolen From Dead Man

The Onion News Network's Morning Show: Today Now!

The Onion News Network's Morning Show: Today Now!

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