Small Business Still Manages To Mistreat Workers Like Large Corporate Chain

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Vol 50 Issue 16

Ronald McDonald Gets Millennial Makeover

McDonald’s officials announced this week that they are redesigning longtime mascot Ronald McDonald with a new outfit and will begin mentioning him on Twitter using the hashtag #ronaldmcdonald, though he does not yet have an account of his own.

Local TCBY Has Missed Past 2 Logo Changes

Obama spends another night searching behind White House paintings for safes, an autopsy determines a total loser's corpse contained no traces of drugs or alcohol, and a superstitious Delta Airlines adds busty mermaids to its plane noses.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.


Small Business Still Manages To Mistreat Workers Like Large Corporate Chain

MARFA, TX—Employees at Gillman’s Hardware confirmed Monday that despite the company’s small size, single location, and the fact that it has been family owned and operated for over 35 years, it still manages to treat its staff as if they worked at a faceless multinational chain. “Sure, there are only 15 or so employees here, but our supervisors really make us feel like we’re completely valueless and replaceable,” said sales associate Alex Waverly, 27, citing touches like a lack of health benefits, the expectation that he stay late stacking bags of mulch without collecting overtime, and the prohibition against sitting on the sample deck chairs or anywhere else at any point during his six-hour shifts. “It’s a local hardware store; you don’t expect cold, corporate practices like getting patted down whenever you leave for lunch to ensure you haven’t shoplifted, or not earning a single cent above minimum wage, but somehow they’re able to foster that kind of environment.” Waverly added that it was also nice to see the store sticking to its philosophy by holding onto every last dollar earned, rather than investing any of it back into the community.

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