Something Sliding Around In Coffin

Sesame Street: 'Bert And Ernie Are Not Gay, They Are Depraved Pansexual Perverts'
1:06
Producers insist that the beloved characters are merely friends and that “gay” doesn’t remotely describe their bizarre underworld of sexual deviance.
New Wearable Computer Also Sucks Your Dick
1:54
Tech Trends looks at the new Samsung Apex, a wearable computing device that streams videos into one eye, the internet into the other, and sucks your cock all at the same time.
Autopsy Of A Scene: Paul Feig Points Out How Many Ghosts Are In This Scene From 'The Heat'
1:34
Director Paul Feig narrates a clip from his new film 'The Heat,' which he says, like 'Bridesmaids,' is a ghost story at heart.
'I Would Be Absolutely Perfect For This,' Report 1,400 People Looking At Same Job Posting
1:24
Upon coming across the same job posting Monday for a full-time position at a local startup company, an estimated 1,400 people reportedly described the opening as “a perfect fit” for their qualifications, saying it was exactly the opportunity t...
Markets In Turmoil As Price Of Money Skyrockets To $90 A Dollar
1:36
After fluctuating wildly this morning between $1 and $35, the price of money spiked to an unprecedented $90 a dollar in afternoon trading, plunging international financial markets into chaos.
Milk Rushing Through Jug Handle Having The Time Of Its Life
2:23
McDonald's is considering franching restaurants after 70 years of being family owned and operated, the financial sector thinks it's about ready to ruin the world again, and a kidnapping is going pretty smoothly.
Will Season Four Of ‘Downton Abbey’ Finally Show The Wizards Using Their Powers?
1:05
The popular series about a castle full of wizards and magical servants has been surprisingly magic-free so far, but hopefully that will change in the fourth season.
The Onion Looks Back At 'The Wizard Of Oz'
2:37
The Onion’s movie critic Peter K. Ronsenthal examines ‘The Wizard of Oz’ in this week’s Film Standard
Markets In Turmoil As Price Of Money Skyrockets To $90 A Dollar
1:36
After fluctuating wildly this morning between $1 and $35, the price of money spiked to an unprecedented $90 a dollar in afternoon trading, plunging international financial markets into chaos.
Milk Rushing Through Jug Handle Having The Time Of Its Life
2:23
McDonald's is considering franching restaurants after 70 years of being family owned and operated, the financial sector thinks it's about ready to ruin the world again, and a kidnapping is going pretty smoothly.
Will Season Four Of ‘Downton Abbey’ Finally Show The Wizards Using Their Powers?
1:05
The popular series about a castle full of wizards and magical servants has been surprisingly magic-free so far, but hopefully that will change in the fourth season.
Single Woman Has Facebook Profile Picture With Sister
2:29
A report confirms that many Iraqis are still holding a petty grudge about the U.S. invasion, an area man is outraged his private information is being collected by someone other than advertisers, and a new study proves it is impossible to lose weight, no o...
Friends Don’t Understand How Man Not Depressed
1:21
Citing factors such as his low-paying job, lack of foreseeable prospects, and modest living conditions, sources close to local resident Karl Brewster said Thursday they are at a loss to explain his day-to-day cheerfulness in the face of such a bleak exist...
Brendan Fraser: 'I Would Like To Apply For One Kickstarter, Please'
1:45
The ‘Mummy’ star joined in on the crowdsourcing trend this week, sending an application and cover letter in to the Kickstarter headquarters.
Couple Keeps Marriage Together For The Sake Of No One
2:22
Taylor Swift enters an alternate universe to date a body building George Harrison, a study finds that 83 percent of gamblers quit right before they would have hit the big one, and an Asian guy has a separate group of Asian friends.
Guy 30 Seconds Into Karaoke Version Of ‘Man In The Mirror’ Better Get His Act Together
1:58
Sources at Charley’s Bar and Grille are reporting that local man Peter Kagan, 34, who is currently 30 seconds into a karaoke version of the 1988 Michael Jackson song “Man In The Mirror,” better get his goddamn act together sometime fucki...
'The Internship' Poised To Be Biggest Comedy Of 2005
1:51
Critics say the upcoming Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson film about interning at Google has everything an audience in 2005 could want in a comedy.
Lifeguard Hoping To Make Up For Last Summer
2:30
The U.S. Disc Jockey General urges Americans to get the Led out, a BuzzFeed writer resigns in disgrace after plagarizing '10 Llamas Who Wish They Were Models,' and the new and improved Google maps lets users launch missiles at any location on the globe.
Guy Wondering How Much Longer To Keep Picture Of Dead Friend As Profile Pic
1:33
SANTA CLARA, CA—With several weeks now having passed since the tragic death of his old college roommate, local man Keith Bisbee told reporters Friday he is uncertain just how long he has to continue using a photograph of his departed friend as his F...
Kourtney Kardashian’s Stunning Bikini Body Washes Up On Shore
1:24
The sexy Kardashian wowed beachgoers when her slim post-baby beach bod washed ashore Zuma Beach in Malibu.
Desperate Earth Begins Accelerating Rotation In Effort To Hurl Humankind Off Surface
2:19
The nation dredges up its last remaining reserves of grief, a study finds that anxiety can be resolved if you think about it real hard, and a woman who cracked three separate iPhone screens is expecting a baby boy this August. It's the week of May 24, 2013.
Xbox One Capable Of Controlling Users With Simple Voice Commands
1:11
Microsoft says their new Xbox features a host of simple voice commands that will easily control and instruct gamers.
Obama Aims To Limit Civilian Casualties With Switch To Taser Drones
0:58
President Obama announced today that he plans to reduce drone casualties by replacing missiles with high-range 11 megavolt tasers.
Study: Anxiety Resolved By Thinking About It Real Hard
1:29
Potentially offering hope to millions of Americans struggling with psychological and emotional problems, a study published this week in The New England Journal Of Medicine found that test subjects were capable of fully resolving their anxiety by thinking ...
Web Series Reaches 100 Views
2:16
A comedic webisode about two roommates became a viral sensation this week after reaching the unprecedented 100 view milestone.
Tim Allen, Mark Wahlberg, And Tara Reid Spotted At Starbucks Discussing Oh God What Are They Planning?
2:22
The trio spent hours talking, prompting Hollywood to worry that they could be working on a project together.
Every Glass In Grandmother’s Cupboard Visibly Filthy
2:52
Sasha Obama becomes suspicious after doing a little digging around on Benghazi, this has to be the year a local miniature golf course goes out of business, and a dude with a knit hat at a party calls beer 'libations.' It's the week of May 17, 2013
Sponsored Content Pretty Fucking Awesome
1:16
Media consumers across the United States are reporting this week that sponsored content—articles and videos paid for by advertisers and distributed by print and digital publications—is easily the coolest ... Full Report

8-Year-Old Boy Surprises Marine Dad During Firefight In Afghanistan
2:31
Scalia, Thomas, Roberts, and Alito suddenly realize they will be the villains in an Oscar-Winning movie one day, the world's markets plunged into turmoil after the price of money skyrocketed to $90 a dollar, and scientists probably discovered a frog or something. It's the week of June 28, 2013.
Milk Rushing Through Jug Handle Having The Time Of Its Life
2:23
McDonald's is considering franching restaurants after 70 years of being family owned and operated, the financial sector thinks it's about ready to ruin the world again, and a kidnapping is going pretty smoothly.
Single Woman Has Facebook Profile Picture With Sister
2:29
A report confirms that many Iraqis are still holding a petty grudge about the U.S. invasion, an area man is outraged his private information is being collected by someone other than advertisers, and a new study proves it is impossible to lose weight, no o...
Couple Keeps Marriage Together For The Sake Of No One
2:22
Taylor Swift enters an alternate universe to date a body building George Harrison, a study finds that 83 percent of gamblers quit right before they would have hit the big one, and an Asian guy has a separate group of Asian friends.
Lifeguard Hoping To Make Up For Last Summer
2:30
The U.S. Disc Jockey General urges Americans to get the Led out, a BuzzFeed writer resigns in disgrace after plagarizing '10 Llamas Who Wish They Were Models,' and the new and improved Google maps lets users launch missiles at any location on the globe.
Desperate Earth Begins Accelerating Rotation In Effort To Hurl Humankind Off Surface
2:19
The nation dredges up its last remaining reserves of grief, a study finds that anxiety can be resolved if you think about it real hard, and a woman who cracked three separate iPhone screens is expecting a baby boy this August. It's the week of May 24, 2013.
Every Glass In Grandmother’s Cupboard Visibly Filthy
2:52
Sasha Obama becomes suspicious after doing a little digging around on Benghazi, this has to be the year a local miniature golf course goes out of business, and a dude with a knit hat at a party calls beer 'libations.' It's the week of May 17, 2013
Possum Gazes Longingly At Family Walking Dog
2:26
A heartbroken Chris Brown always thought Rihanna was the woman he'd beat to death, a mentally unstable man is planning on exhibiting one or two more warning signs before finally doing this, and a snooze button time travler sets his coordinates for 5-minut...
Seedless Watermelon Coming To Grips With Fact It’ll Never Be Able To Have Kids
3:02
UMass Dartmouth is beginning to regret offering a course in Applied Domestic Terrorism, a social media rockstar makes $28,000 a year, and Miami Dolphins wide receiver Mike Wallace comes out as a stupid asshole.
Middle-Aged Funeral Director Buys Flashy Red Hearse
2:19
A study finds that wolf attacks are still the leading cause of death in America, a man says 'fuck it' and eats lunch and 10:58 a.m., and Dzhokar Tsarnaev posts bail.
Catholic Teen's Life Ends At Conception
2:42
Next week's school shooting victims thank the members of Senate for failing to pass the gun bill, the cutest guy in an office is not particularly attractive, and an area man is tired of rushing home to hug his loved ones.
Brad Pitt Decides To Grow Out Forehead Hair
3:05
Leading social media site HarvardConnection is now valued at $400 billion, a couple is making out like its fucking Paris, and a freezing coatless woman has decided it's spring.
Businessman Does His Work Lying On Bed Like Schoolgirl
2:42
An aquarium unveils its new 'Floating Carcasses of the Pacific' exhibit, a guy with 10,000 tweets and 15 followers is about ready to hang it up, and a local father buys string cheese to make coming to his house more fun. It's the week of March 29, 2013.
Bengal Tigers’ Habitat Down To Studio Apartment In Jaipur, India
2:44
President Obama and Rachel Goldstein really hit it off during a group trip to Israel, a man with strong brand loyalty is willing to kill for Mazda, and Macaulay Culkin is hoping some 'Funny or Die' writer comes up with a video idea for him.
NASA Designers Release Flirty New Space Skirt
2:19
The word 'innovate' is said over 24 million times at SXSW, NASA designers release a flirty new spaceskirt, and the next episode of 'Girls' to feature Lena Dunham shitting herself during gyno exam while eating a burrito.
Andrea Bocelli Smelling The Shit Out Of Red Rose
2:21
Cancer topples Chavez in a bloodless coup, a poll finds that 99% of human beings would prefer big, slobbery hound dog pope, and Andrea Bocelli is smelling the shit out of a red rose.
Retiring Pope Half-Heartedly Suggests Grabbing Lunch Sometime With God
2:26
A report finds Chinese third-graders are falling behind U.S. high school students in math and science, a nostalgic warden has seen 3 generations of a family come through prison, and a battle of wits with an unwieldly burrito nears its thrilling endgame.
Middle-Aged Banana Panics Upon Finding First Brown Spot
2:30
An area man panics after accidentally 'liking' 381 of his ex-girlfriend's Facebook photos, Bob Dylan lays off 2,000 workers from a songwriting factory, and a group of cardinals host a going away party at the pope's favorite Vatican City bar.
Flock Of Suicidal Geese Drinking Up The Courage To Down Jetliner
2:52
A new pair of Sony nosebuds lets users blast different smells into their nostrils, a devoted abuser stops by his girlfriend's office to deliver a surprise threat, and a man never expected sex with a prostitute would be so emotionally fulfilling.
SeaWorld Unveils New 20 Whales Stuffed In Pool Show
3:06
A PR firm advises the United States to distance itself from Alabama, the FDA announces peanut butter contains traces of rat feces but life's weird like that sometimes, and a doomed rabbit teaches an 8-year-old about responsibility.