Onion, Inc. Sites

The Onion Logo

Sony Releases New Stupid Piece Of Shit That Doesn't Fucking Work

Top Headlines

Science & Technology

Astronomers Just Going To Go Ahead And Say Dark Matter Nitrogen

‘Fuck It, We’re Done,’ Say Scientists

WASHINGTON—Declaring that this is the last time they ever hope to speak of the aggravatingly enigmatic substance, astronomers from NASA announced Thursday that they are just going to go ahead and say that dark matter is nitrogen.

What We’ve Learned About Pluto

Nearly 10 years after its launch, the New Horizons space probe made a flyby 7,750 miles from Pluto, marking the first time in history a spacecraft has examined the dwarf planet up close, and NASA has begun to release data and images transmitted from the approach. Here’s what we’ve learned about Pluto so far

Timeline Of Mass Extinction

Scientists predict that human activity has put the world on the brink of the sixth mass extinction in earth’s history, an event characterized by the elimination of a large number of species within a very short period of time. Here is a timeline of extinction events over the planet’s history

Study: Floating Heap Of Trash Now Ocean’s Apex Predator

SANTA BARBARA, CA—Noting that no marine species posed a threat and the total domination of its habitat, a study released Wednesday by researchers at the University of California, Santa Barbara revealed that the floating mass of trash known as the Great Pacific Garbage Patch is now the ocean’s apex predator.

Dementia Study Reveals Fond Memories First To Go

BALTIMORE—Researchers at Johns Hopkins University published a new study this week on the cognitive effects of Alzheimer’s disease and other deteriorative brain disorders, finding conclusive evidence that dementia sufferers’ fondest memories are nearly always the first to go.

FDA Approves Female-Libido-Enhancing Man

WASHINGTON—In an effort to address the needs of women suffering from a lack of sexual desire, the FDA announced Tuesday that it had approved a new female-libido-enhancing man, which is expected to be made available to the general public by year’s end.

New Report Finds Humanity 10 Years Away From Something Called Ash Age

TUCSON, AZ—Explaining that the large-scale shift in geologic conditions and social organization would require a new taxonomic classification, researchers at the University of Arizona released a report Tuesday revealing that humanity is approximately 10 years away from something that will be called the Ash Age.

NASA Announces Bold Plan To Still Exist By 2045

WASHINGTON—In what is being described as the most ambitious mission ever undertaken in the space agency’s history, NASA officials announced at a press conference Tuesday their bold new plan to still exist by 2045.

YouTube Turns 10

On April 23, 2005, three former PayPal employees started a video-sharing site called YouTube, which has since grown into an influential media platform with over 1 billion users.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Geologists Unearth Fully Intact Rock

FORT COLLINS, CO—Describing the discovery as the most flawless specimen ever unearthed, a team of geologists working in northern Colorado announced Friday they had excavated a fully intact rock.

Rehabilitated Otter Released Back Into Food Chain

SAUSALITO, CA—Following nine months of surgeries and physical therapy to heal the aquatic animal’s debilitating injuries, officials from the Marine Mammal Center released a fully rehabilitated sea otter back into the food chain Tuesday.

Conservationists Attempting To Get Head Start On Mars

WASHINGTON—Fearing that any further delay might prevent their movement from having any meaningful impact, a consortium of leading conservationists confirmed Wednesday it is attempting to get a head start on preserving the planet Mars. The newly form...

Apple MacBook vs. Google Chromebook Pixel

Shortly after Apple debuted its new ultra-thin MacBook this week, Google announced its new Chromebook Pixel 2, which similarly boasts the new Type-C USB port and high-tech trackpad.

How Cable Companies Plan To Fight Cord Cutting

More consumers than ever are “cord cutting,” or getting rid of their cable service in favor of watching shows online, challenging the cable industry to launch new initiatives in order to keep customers.

Features Of The Apple Car

After dominating sales of smartphones, tablets, and other electronics, Apple is reportedly secretly designing its first car, code-named Titan.

2015 Tech Trends

Showcasing everything from wearable devices to self-driving cars and personal drones, this year’s Consumer Electronics Show revealed the latest in new technology.

Doctors Recommend Getting 8 Centuries Of Cryosleep

STANFORD, CA—Claiming that the practice is essential for effectively recharging the body and waking fully rested and alert, doctors at Stanford University issued a report Monday emphasizing the importance of getting at least eight centuries of atomi...

Scientists Receive $10 Million Grant To Melt Stuff

COLLEGE PARK, MD—Saying the money would help further researchers’ understanding of the awesome scientific phenomenon, representatives for the American Institute of Physics announced Tuesday that they had received a $10 million grant to melt st...

Pfizer Releases Vintage Cask-Aged Robitussin

GROTON, CT—Touting the new offering’s full-bodied flavor and bold, fruit-forward bouquet, pharmaceutical giant Pfizer unveiled a vintage cask-aged variety of its popular cold medicine Robitussin on Friday. Labeled as Robitussin Reserve, the hi...

Apple Releases Brief, Fleeting Moment Of Excitement

CUPERTINO, CA—Ending weeks of anticipation and intense speculation, tech giant Apple unveiled a short and fleeting moment of excitement to the general public Tuesday during a media event at its corporate headquarters.

Startup Very Casual About Dress Code, Benefits

AUSTIN, TX—Touting the business’s laid-back, nontraditional corporate culture, Go-Go Maps founder and CEO Mike Hannasch explained to reporters Thursday that his company is pretty casual when it comes to employees’ dress code and benefits...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
Sony Releases New Stupid Piece Of Shit That Doesn't Fucking Work
Sony Releases New Stupid Piece Of Shit That Doesn't Fucking Work
Astronomers Just Going To Go Ahead And Say Dark Matter Nitrogen
Astronomers Just Going To Go Ahead And Say Dark Matter Nitrogen
What We’ve Learned About Pluto
What We’ve Learned About Pluto
Scientists Find Human Vocal Cords Developed Over Millennia To Lower Voice When Speculating On Acquaintance’s Sexual Orientation
Scientists Find Human Vocal Cords Developed Over Millennia To Lower Voice When Speculating On Acquaintance’s Sexual Orientation
World’s Frogs Unveil 5-Million-Year Plan To Move Up Food Chain
World’s Frogs Unveil 5-Million-Year Plan To Move Up Food Chain
Timeline Of Mass Extinction
Timeline Of Mass Extinction
Study: Floating Heap Of Trash Now Ocean’s Apex Predator
Study: Floating Heap Of Trash Now Ocean’s Apex Predator
Study: Employees Happiest When Pretending To Work From Home
Study: Employees Happiest When Pretending To Work From Home
Dementia Study Reveals Fond Memories First To Go
Dementia Study Reveals Fond Memories First To Go
FDA Approves Female-Libido-Enhancing Man
FDA Approves Female-Libido-Enhancing Man
Idiot Zoo Animal With Zero Predators Still Protective Of Young
Idiot Zoo Animal With Zero Predators Still Protective Of Young
Report: More U.S. Families Living With Multiple Generations Of Xbox Under One Roof
Report: More U.S. Families Living With Multiple Generations Of Xbox Under One Roof
Man Confident Perfect Dating App Waiting For Him Out There Somewhere
Man Confident Perfect Dating App Waiting For Him Out There Somewhere
Industrious Otters Now Capitalizing On Oil Spills
Industrious Otters Now Capitalizing On Oil Spills
New Report Finds Humanity 10 Years Away From Something Called Ash Age
New Report Finds Humanity 10 Years Away From Something Called Ash Age
New OkCupid Feature Alerts Users When It’s Time To Come Crawling Back
New OkCupid Feature Alerts Users When It’s Time To Come Crawling Back
Breakthrough Procedure Allows Parents To Select Sexiness Of Child
Breakthrough Procedure Allows Parents To Select Sexiness Of Child
NASA Announces Bold Plan To Still Exist By 2045
NASA Announces Bold Plan To Still Exist By 2045
Anthropologists Discover Ancient Greek Super PAC That Helped Shape First Democracy
Anthropologists Discover Ancient Greek Super PAC That Helped Shape First Democracy
Prescription Label Recommends Just Taking More And More Until Something Kicks In
Prescription Label Recommends Just Taking More And More Until Something Kicks In
Guy Who Died Playing ‘League Of Legends’ In Internet Café Really Starting To Ruin Game For Other Patrons
Guy Who Died Playing ‘League Of Legends’ In Internet Café Really Starting To Ruin Game For Other Patrons
Archaeologists Discover First Hominid To Own Tools But Never Use Them
Archaeologists Discover First Hominid To Own Tools But Never Use Them
Aerospace Engineers Warn First-Grader’s Design For Spaceship Completely Unsafe
Aerospace Engineers Warn First-Grader’s Design For Spaceship Completely Unsafe
Delusional Man Turning Off Laptop Like He’s Done With It For Night
Delusional Man Turning Off Laptop Like He’s Done With It For Night
YouTube Turns 10
YouTube Turns 10
Study Finds Those With Deceased Family Members At High Risk Of Dying Themselves
Study Finds Those With Deceased Family Members At High Risk Of Dying Themselves
Medical Experts Disappointed With Man Who Failed To Live Up To Life Expectancy
Medical Experts Disappointed With Man Who Failed To Live Up To Life Expectancy
Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids
Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids
Viewer Prepared To Believe Whatever Documentary Tells Him About Coral Reefs
Viewer Prepared To Believe Whatever Documentary Tells Him About Coral Reefs
Could This Rare Species Of Frog Hold The Key To Making Cancer Far Worse?
Could This Rare Species Of Frog Hold The Key To Making Cancer Far Worse?
Geologists Unearth Fully Intact Rock
Geologists Unearth Fully Intact Rock
Engineers Unveil New Driverless Car Capable Of Committing Hit-And-Run
Engineers Unveil New Driverless Car Capable Of Committing Hit-And-Run
Report: Majority Of Earth’s Potable Water Trapped In Coca-Cola Products
Report: Majority Of Earth’s Potable Water Trapped In Coca-Cola Products
New App Lets You Work For Your Company Even While You Sleep
New App Lets You Work For Your Company Even While You Sleep
Rehabilitated Otter Released Back Into Food Chain
Rehabilitated Otter Released Back Into Food Chain
Conservationists Attempting To Get Head Start On Mars
Conservationists Attempting To Get Head Start On Mars
Harnessing The Power Of Your Apartment’s Electricity
Harnessing The Power Of Your Apartment’s Electricity
New Speech Recognition Software Factors In User’s Mouth Always Being Full
New Speech Recognition Software Factors In User’s Mouth Always Being Full
Scientists Discover Eating Serves Function Other Than Easing Anxiety
Scientists Discover Eating Serves Function Other Than Easing Anxiety
Apple MacBook vs. Google Chromebook Pixel
Apple MacBook vs. Google Chromebook Pixel
Wall Street Firm Develops New High-Speed Algorithm Capable Of Performing Over 10,000 Ethical Violations Per Second
Wall Street Firm Develops New High-Speed Algorithm Capable Of Performing Over 10,000 Ethical Violations Per Second
Study Finds Swans Only Other Animals Who Mate For Few Years, Get Scared, End Things, Then Regret It
Study Finds Swans Only Other Animals Who Mate For Few Years, Get Scared, End Things, Then Regret It
New Evidence Suggests Last Ice Age Caused By Earth Floating Into Extremely Chilly Part Of Galaxy
New Evidence Suggests Last Ice Age Caused By Earth Floating Into Extremely Chilly Part Of Galaxy
Apple Fans Demand Other Products They Can Feel Directly Against Skin At All Times
Apple Fans Demand Other Products They Can Feel Directly Against Skin At All Times
How Cable Companies Plan To Fight Cord Cutting
How Cable Companies Plan To Fight Cord Cutting
Is This Ivy League Dropout And Tech Entrepreneur The Current Mark Zuckerberg?
Is This Ivy League Dropout And Tech Entrepreneur The Current Mark Zuckerberg?
Archaeologists Uncover Greek Amphitheater Where First Prick Saved Seats
Archaeologists Uncover Greek Amphitheater Where First Prick Saved Seats
Lucrative New Oil Extraction Method Involves Drilling Directly Into Gas Stations
Lucrative New Oil Extraction Method Involves Drilling Directly Into Gas Stations
New Study Finds Therapy, Antidepressants Equally Effective At Monetizing Depression
New Study Finds Therapy, Antidepressants Equally Effective At Monetizing Depression
Features Of The Apple Car
Features Of The Apple Car
Scientists Working To Harness Energy Produced By Intense Fracking Debates
Scientists Working To Harness Energy Produced By Intense Fracking Debates
Astronomers Discover New Planet That Really Makes Earth Look Like Shit
Astronomers Discover New Planet That Really Makes Earth Look Like Shit
New Study Finds Majority Of God’s Blessings Burn Up On Entry Into Atmosphere
New Study Finds Majority Of God’s Blessings Burn Up On Entry Into Atmosphere
Venus Added To Registry Of Historically Significant Planets
Venus Added To Registry Of Historically Significant Planets
2015 Tech Trends
2015 Tech Trends
Natural Selection Kills 38 Quadrillion Organisms In Bloodiest Day Yet
Natural Selection Kills 38 Quadrillion Organisms In Bloodiest Day Yet
Medical Breakthrough Provides Elderly Woman With 2 Extra Years Of Inconveniencing Family
Medical Breakthrough Provides Elderly Woman With 2 Extra Years Of Inconveniencing Family
Unsold Google Glass Units To Be Donated To Assholes In Africa
Unsold Google Glass Units To Be Donated To Assholes In Africa
New Facebook Notifications Alert Users When They Not Currently Looking At Facebook
New Facebook Notifications Alert Users When They Not Currently Looking At Facebook
Report: Only 2% Of Internet Worth Sitting Through 15-Second Ad
Report: Only 2% Of Internet Worth Sitting Through 15-Second Ad
New Climate Change Study Just 400 Pages Of Scientists Telling Americans To Read Previous Climate Change Studies
New Climate Change Study Just 400 Pages Of Scientists Telling Americans To Read Previous Climate Change Studies
Doctors Recommend Getting 8 Centuries Of Cryosleep
Doctors Recommend Getting 8 Centuries Of Cryosleep
Everyone At Consumer Electronics Show Forced To Share Single Surge Protector
Everyone At Consumer Electronics Show Forced To Share Single Surge Protector
Caller Enters Remote Backwaters Of 1-800 Automated Messaging System
Caller Enters Remote Backwaters Of 1-800 Automated Messaging System
Scientists Speculate Extraterrestrials May Have Completely Different Hair Than Humans
Scientists Speculate Extraterrestrials May Have Completely Different Hair Than Humans
Top 10 Apps Of 2014
Top 10 Apps Of 2014
Scientists Receive $10 Million Grant To Melt Stuff
Scientists Receive $10 Million Grant To Melt Stuff
Paleontologists Determine Dinosaurs Were Killed By Someone They Trusted
Paleontologists Determine Dinosaurs Were Killed By Someone They Trusted
Astronomers Discover Planet Identical To Earth With Orbital Space Mirror
Astronomers Discover Planet Identical To Earth With Orbital Space Mirror
Antidepressant Can’t Believe It’s Expected To Fix This Mess All On Its Own
Antidepressant Can’t Believe It’s Expected To Fix This Mess All On Its Own
Scientists Announce Today Best Time To Look Directly At Sun
Scientists Announce Today Best Time To Look Directly At Sun
Man’s Whole Job Undoing Handiwork Of Self-Checkout Machine
Man’s Whole Job Undoing Handiwork Of Self-Checkout Machine
Astronomers Celebrate 300th Anniversary Of Discovering Sky
Astronomers Celebrate 300th Anniversary Of Discovering Sky
Extinction By The Numbers
Extinction By The Numbers
Guard In Video Game Under Strict Orders To Repeatedly Pace Same Stretch Of Hallway
Guard In Video Game Under Strict Orders To Repeatedly Pace Same Stretch Of Hallway
SPONSORED: New Video Game ‘Horrifying’ For Anyone Who’s Never Experienced Terror Of Real Life
SPONSORED: New Video Game ‘Horrifying’ For Anyone Who’s Never Experienced Terror Of Real Life
Researchers: Quality Of Sleep May Be Affected By Abandoning Family In 1994
Researchers: Quality Of Sleep May Be Affected By Abandoning Family In 1994
Ambitious New High-Speed Rail Plan Will Fly Americans To Japan To Use Their Trains
Ambitious New High-Speed Rail Plan Will Fly Americans To Japan To Use Their Trains
Report: Increasing Number Of U.S. Toddlers Attending Online Preschool
Report: Increasing Number Of U.S. Toddlers Attending Online Preschool
Popular New Exercise App Just Tells Users They Ran 5 Miles A Day No Matter What
Popular New Exercise App Just Tells Users They Ran 5 Miles A Day No Matter What
Pfizer Releases Vintage Cask-Aged Robitussin
Pfizer Releases Vintage Cask-Aged Robitussin
50 Years Of Climate Change, Habitat Loss Somehow Unable To Take Down Goddamned Parrotfish
50 Years Of Climate Change, Habitat Loss Somehow Unable To Take Down Goddamned Parrotfish
NASA Administrator Resigns After Leak Of Offensive Anti-Moon Email
NASA Administrator Resigns After Leak Of Offensive Anti-Moon Email
Mars Maven Begins Mission To Take Thousands Of High-Resolution Desktop Backgrounds
Mars Maven Begins Mission To Take Thousands Of High-Resolution Desktop Backgrounds
iPhone 6 Plus vs. Samsung Galaxy S5
iPhone 6 Plus vs. Samsung Galaxy S5
Features Of The New Apple Watch
Features Of The New Apple Watch
Apple Releases Brief, Fleeting Moment Of Excitement
Apple Releases Brief, Fleeting Moment Of Excitement
Are You Planning To Buy The iPhone 6?
Are You Planning To Buy The iPhone 6?
Apple Through The Years
Apple Through The Years
Scientists Announce Ambitious Project To Map Layer Of Garbage On Ocean Floor
Scientists Announce Ambitious Project To Map Layer Of Garbage On Ocean Floor
Bath & Body Works Scientists Destroy Experimental Scent Unfit For Mankind
Bath & Body Works Scientists Destroy Experimental Scent Unfit For Mankind
Startup Very Casual About Dress Code, Benefits
Startup Very Casual About Dress Code, Benefits
New Biodiversity Program Busses In Species From Outside Ecosystems
New Biodiversity Program Busses In Species From Outside Ecosystems
The Genius Behind TinyURL Explains How He Gets The Links So Small
The Genius Behind TinyURL Explains How He Gets The Links So Small
Study: Human Hearing Most Acute When Listening To Arguing Parents From Top Of Stairs
Study: Human Hearing Most Acute When Listening To Arguing Parents From Top Of Stairs
Geneticists Debate Ethics Of Cloning Humans And Forcing Them To Fight To Death In Pit For Our Amusement
Geneticists Debate Ethics Of Cloning Humans And Forcing Them To Fight To Death In Pit For Our Amusement
New Study Finds Humans Shouldn’t Spend More Than 5 Consecutive Hours Together
New Study Finds Humans Shouldn’t Spend More Than 5 Consecutive Hours Together
Study: 63% Of All Human Speech Occurs Under Breath
Study: 63% Of All Human Speech Occurs Under Breath
Onion Talks: Hypothetically It Would Be Okay To Have Sex With A Robot Dog
Onion Talks: Hypothetically It Would Be Okay To Have Sex With A Robot Dog
New Nike Running App Tells You What You’re Really Running From
New Nike Running App Tells You What You’re Really Running From
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

House and Home

  • Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

    YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.