Onion News Network
To help their customers stay healthy,
this week, frozen food giant,
Stouffers, began including
suicide prevention tips
on the boxes of their
single serving prepared meals.
The company hopes that the tips
will teach customers alternatives
to unhealthy choices, such as killing
themselves because they eat every meal alone.
The idea was conceived
by Linda Horowitz,
of Nestle prepared foods,
the parent company of Stouffers.
We are aware that the purchase of
a Stouffers Mac & Cheese for one
can be a cry for help.
After two minutes of watching your meal
slowly rotate in the microwave, people
reach what we call a risk threshold point
where they frequently make
the decision to end their lives.
Customers of this store in Boston
said they appreciated the tips.
The tips made me realize
that even though I'm eating
gravy meatloaf right now,
there's still a possibility
that things won't always be like this.
The tips are written in a small font, so
you have to turn on the lights to see them,
but it's better than eating
in the dark again.
They give me the confidence to take my
dinners out on the lawn again
so I can watch the cars
drive by while I eat
Stouffers has also released
a special set of tips
specifically for its lean cuisine customers
We wrote these tips
in order to help the working woman
think more about feeding herself right,
and less about how quickly her eggs
are aging in her ovaries.
In addition to hosting support forums
on their website,
Stouffers has added a section where users
can post videos of themselves
eating Stouffers meals for others to watch
as they eat, simulating companionship.
To support the new campaign,
Stouffers has also hired licensed counselors
to give free sessions in the frozen food
isles of participating supermarkets,
and a friendly Stouffers van
waiting in the parking lot
if a customer clearly needs
to be institutionalized.
Based on the success of
Stouffers new packaging,
Koshi has begun printing tips
on the back of their cereal boxes
about how to not be such a
smug annoying pretentious asshole.
Still ahead this hour...
Governor accused of improperly
using bribe as hush money.
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