adBlockCheck

Study: Average Person Becomes Unhinged Psychotic When Alone In Own House

Top Headlines

Science & Technology

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

Disney Begins Uploading Obama’s Consciousness To Hall Of Presidents Robot

BAY LAKE, FL—In an effort to provide park visitors with the most true-to-life attraction possible, Walt Disney World officials announced Monday that computer technicians have begun uploading Barack Obama’s consciousness into his animatronic robot likeness at the Magic Kingdom’s Hall of Presidents exhibit.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Video Game Henchmen Plan Meetup Around Explosive Barrels

LEVEL 5—A group of video game henchmen patrolling the warehouse hideout of their criminal mastermind boss informed reporters Wednesday of their upcoming plan to take a brief break from making their rounds to meet up around a stack of five highly explosive barrels.

Study Links Clinical Depression To Getting Dunked On

BOSTON—Identifying a significant factor contributing to the development of the mental health disorder, researchers from Harvard Medical School published a groundbreaking study Thursday that reportedly links clinical depression to getting dunked on.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Study: Average Person Becomes Unhinged Psychotic When Alone In Own House

ITHACA, NY—Citing a range of behavior that experts could only describe as “profoundly disturbed,” a new study released by Cornell University’s psychology department Thursday revealed that most otherwise normal people transform into complete psychotics when alone in the confines of their own homes.

The study, conducted in the households of millions of Americans over an 11-month period, states that from the moment the average person sets foot inside their front door, they begin exhibiting wildly unhinged mannerisms, including loudly talking to themselves; suddenly snapping their fingers for brief, three-to-five-second bursts for no reason whatsoever; and walking into their bathrooms, staring into the mirror, inflating their cheeks while making a grotesque face, and then leaving as if what they did was completely normal.

“Before we began, none of us could have guessed at the depths of psychosis the general public sinks into every day behind closed doors,” the study’s lead author, Dr. Peter Gibbon, told reporters. “Yet, as our research points out, even the most seemingly mentally healthy person devolves into fits of hysteria once in private, performing activities such as dancing in an entirely silent room and singing snippets of nonsensical songs that they’ve made up on the spot.”

“If they did any of these activities in public, a coworker would more than likely be compelled to report the individual to human resources, who would in turn contact a local psychiatric hospital or mental health center,” Gibbon added. “And a pedestrian would just assume the individual was a raving lunatic.”

Of those subjects who were observed, the report noted that 45 percent tend to break up periods of prolonged silence with quick, random sounds like “Hup!” “Tketetata,” and “Hello!” 63 percent would enter their kitchen, look into the refrigerator, close it, and go back to their living rooms without accomplishing anything—sometimes five times in a one-hour span—and 23 percent would create bizarre physical projects for themselves such as attempting to pick up a pen near their couch using only their toes.

In what could only in most cases be described as symptoms of severe obsessive-compulsive disorder and mania, nearly 95 percent of individuals, when alone in their houses, would spend three consecutive hours mindlessly scrolling through their smartphones, then looking at the same three websites on their computers, then bouncing back and forth between the same television channels, and then picking up their smartphones, thus setting the process into motion once again.

More than 500,000 individuals engaged in imaginary arguments in which they supplied lines of dialogue for their bosses or parents, and then proceeded to win the seemingly hallucinated verbal dispute point-by-point.

“We discovered that the private mannerisms of most people, if seen in public, would be considered nearly identical to the those of a person with a severe case of schizophrenia,” Gibbon stated. “For example, if you were to witness someone on a subway car obsessively pulling their elbow skin to check its elasticity or see an individual randomly say to themselves, ‘Okay, okay, I’ll call her’ to no one in particular, your immediate reaction would be to think, ‘This person is insane and needs professional help.’”

Yet the researchers were quick to point out that by far the most mentally unstable individuals they encountered were pet owners, who, when alone, would reportedly walk amongst their animals entirely in the nude, talk to them as if they were humans by saying such things as “I don’t want to go to the gym today, Corker,” and would cover them in blankets for no discernible reason other than to indulge in their own sick curiosity.

“Many pet owners would lie naked in bed and let their cats walk on their bare bodies, an act that, if done in public, would merit that person’s admission to a psychiatric treatment ward,” the study’s co-author Dr. Erica Crain said. “And though these people seemed to love their pets, they would also purposely frustrate them by poking their stomachs, squeezing their paws slightly harder than what would be deemed acceptable, or cornering them just to see what the pets’ reaction would be.”

“These are the actions of people with deep psychological problems,” Crain added. “And based on all of our findings, from the tens of millions who, out of nowhere, made cluck sounds with their tongues, or, completely unprompted, tried out a Barack Obama impression, we have been forced to conclude that all human beings are utterly out of their minds.”

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close