Study Finds Earth Located In Lamest Part Of Universe

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Vol 50 Issue 13

Cereal Box Characters Lure Children In With Their Eyes

According to new research, the cartoon “spokescharacters” on cereal boxes are purposefully drawn with their stares angled downward to make eye contact with young children, which researchers say raises the trust level between kids and the carto...

Coco Crisp Shyly Asks Bob Melvin If A’s Are Poor

OAKLAND, CA—Upon realizing that opponents always seem to have better facilities, equipment, and players, team sources confirmed Friday that Oakland A’s outfielder Coco Crisp approached manager Bob Melvin and quietly asked whether their team wa...

Date Invites Woman Upstairs To Check Out Red Flags

COLUMBUS, OH—Following an evening spent out at a local brewpub, area man Patrick Fitzgerald took the initiative Wednesday night to invite local woman Alicia Powell up to his apartment to see his glaring red flags, sources confirmed.
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Study Finds Earth Located In Lamest Part Of Universe

PARIS—Citing factors ranging from the dumb, ugly asteroid belt separating the terrestrial planets from the gas giants, to the super-boring and practically empty interstellar medium extending in nearly every direction, new research published Wednesday by the International Astronomical Union has concluded that Earth is located in “by far the lamest” region of the observable universe. “Despite years of intensive analysis, we have failed to uncover even a single pulsar, black hole, lenticular galaxy, binary star system, quasar, or any other cool stuff within 50 light years of this stupid dump of a solar system,” read the study, which noted that to date, no telescope—either ground-based or in earth orbit—has been able to locate a portion of space more dull and tiresome than our own. “Maybe if we were a little closer to the center of the Milky Way galaxy instead of piddling away on one of its lame-ass outer arms, that’d be one thing, but we are right smack-dab in the middle of nowhere. All we’ve got is a bunch of crappy old cosmic background radiation and dumb-as-shit magnetic fields out here. Ugh.” The study’s authors added that they “so wish” they were on board one of the Voyager probes currently racing out of this mind-numbingly shitty planetary backwater.

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