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    Ten Years Later, Cheney Haunted By People He Didn't Manage To Kill In Iraq War

    0:43

    In a rare, candid interview, former Vice President Dick Cheney admitted he regrets that he couldn’t produce more casualties in the decade-long conflict.

    Recent News
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    • Study: Anxiety Resolved By Thinking About It Real Hard

      1:29

      Potentially offering hope to millions of Americans struggling with psychological and emotional problems, a study published this week in The New England Journal Of Medicine found that test subjects were capable of fully resolving their anxiety by thinking ...

    • Web Series Reaches 100 Views

      2:16

      A comedic webisode about two roommates became a viral sensation this week after reaching the unprecedented 100 view milestone.

    • Tim Allen, Mark Wahlberg, And Tara Reid Spotted At Starbucks Discussing Oh God What Are They Planning?

      2:22

      The trio spent hours talking, prompting Hollywood to worry that they could be working on a project together.

    • Every Glass In Grandmother’s Cupboard Visibly Filthy

      2:52

      Sasha Obama becomes suspicious after doing a little digging around on Benghazi, this has to be the year a local miniature golf course goes out of business, and a dude with a knit hat at a party calls beer 'libations.' It's the week of May 17, 2013

    • Sponsored Content Pretty Fucking Awesome

      1:16

      Media consumers across the United States are reporting this week that sponsored content—articles and videos paid for by advertisers and distributed by print and digital publications—is easily the coolest ... Full Report

    • Possum Gazes Longingly At Family Walking Dog

      2:26

      A heartbroken Chris Brown always thought Rihanna was the woman he'd beat to death, a mentally unstable man is planning on exhibiting one or two more warning signs before finally doing this, and a snooze button time travler sets his coordinates for 5-minut...

    • Mentally Unstable Man To Exhibit 1 Or 2 More Warning Signs Before Finally Doing This

      1:09

      Local mentally ill man Michael Redding, 26, announced his intention Thursday to display one or two further instances of troubling behavior before finally going ahead and carrying out what he has planned.

    • Malicious Focus Group Convinces Marketers Cinnamon Mountain Dew Is The Next Big Thing

      1:29

      Following the saboteur antics of a prankster focus group that reportedly convinced company officials the drink was not only palatable but delicious, PepsiCo announced Thursday the launch of its new Mountain Dew CinnaBlast beverage.

    • Seedless Watermelon Coming To Grips With Fact It’ll Never Be Able To Have Kids

      3:02

      UMass Dartmouth is beginning to regret offering a course in Applied Domestic Terrorism, a social media rockstar makes $28,000 a year, and Miami Dolphins wide receiver Mike Wallace comes out as a stupid asshole.

    • Social Media Rock Star Makes $28,000 Per Year

      1:35

      Widely regarded as one of the online world’s brightest personalities, sources confirmed Friday that famed 28-year-old social media rock star Ryan Wasserman, better known as @RWthinks by his legions of passionate fans, makes roughly $28,000 per year.

    • Government-Issued PSA Urging Teens To Fuck Their Brains Out

      1:44

      The above is a 2008 PSA issued by the Department of Health and Human Services in support of the “Fuck Your Brains Out” sex education program.

    • Middle-Aged Funeral Director Buys Flashy Red Hearse

      2:19

      A study finds that wolf attacks are still the leading cause of death in America, a man says 'fuck it' and eats lunch and 10:58 a.m., and Dzhokar Tsarnaev posts bail.

    • Man Says 'Fuck It,' Eats Lunch At 10:58 A.M.

      1:01

      Reasoning that he’s a grown adult who can eat food whenever he damn well pleases, local man Kyle Dunedin, 30, reportedly decided at 10:58 a.m.

    • There Are People In World Who Are Concerned About Current State Of Hip-Hop

      1:45

      A report published Friday by a team of sociologists has confirmed there are apparently people living in the world today who are deeply concerned about the current state of hip-hop and who continually express genuine worry over the musical genre’s fu...

    • Catholic Teen's Life Ends At Conception

      2:42

      Next week's school shooting victims thank the members of Senate for failing to pass the gun bill, the cutest guy in an office is not particularly attractive, and an area man is tired of rushing home to hug his loved ones.

    • Onion News Empire Official Trailer

      0:55

      Watch Onion News Empire, Episode 1 now.

    • VIRAL VIDEO: High School Sophomore Sinks Incredible, Unnecessary Half-Court Shot

      2:41

      Ryan Jurgens rode the bench most of the season, but when his coach gave him a chance, it really paid off!

    • Cutest Guy In Whole Office Not Even Particularly Attractive

      1:17

      Saying that he’s “okay-looking but definitely nothing special,” employees at Southeastern Publishing Services reported Wednesday that Brian Tyler, a 27-year-old digital communications coordinator widely considered to be the cutest guy in...

    • Brad Pitt Decides To Grow Out Forehead Hair

      3:05

      Leading social media site HarvardConnection is now valued at $400 billion, a couple is making out like its fucking Paris, and a freezing coatless woman has decided it's spring.

    • Excited Man Only 2 Therapy Sessions Away From Resolving Issues

      1:12

      After over seven years of weekly meetings with his psychiatrist, 35-year-old Chris Vaughan told reporters Friday he is thrilled to be just two 45-minute sessions away from completely resolving all of his problems. 

    • Couple Making Out At Bus Stop Like It's Fucking Paris 

      1:21

      According to locals waiting for the westbound number 66 shuttle at Chicago Avenue and Racine Avenue, a young man and woman seated on a bench at the bus stop are currently making out like it’s fucking Paris or something.

    • How One Hot New Device Helps Couples Drag Out Their Doomed Relationship That Extra Month Or Two

      2:59

      The amazing new "Relationship Pro" video game controller lets both members of a couple pretend they are in a healthy relationship.

    • Popular Children's Book Author Reveals The 'Spooky Truth' About Creepy Conspiracy Theories

      4:18

      The bestselling author of “The Spooky Truth” series wants to teach kids that pulling back the curtain on what the government doesn’t want us to know can be fun!

    • Report: Saxophone Still An Okay Vehicle For Self-Expression

      1:13

      While declaring that the musical instrument was by no means ideally suited to the task, a report released by the National Endowment for the Arts Thursday concluded that the saxophone nevertheless remains a fairly decent vehicle for expressing one’s ...

    • Businessman Does His Work Lying On Bed Like Schoolgirl

      2:42

      An aquarium unveils its new 'Floating Carcasses of the Pacific' exhibit, a guy with 10,000 tweets and 15 followers is about ready to hang it up, and a local father buys string cheese to make coming to his house more fun. It's the week of March 29, 2013.

    • Ashamed Student Affairs Committee Reveals There Aren’t Any Awesome Events Happening On Campus This Weekend

      1:07

      Expressing shame and remorse in an email to the students of Hamilton College on Friday, disgraced student affairs coordinator Jessica Li, 20, regretfully informed undergraduates that there would be no cool events occurring on campus this weekend.

    • Finance Expert Saves Struggling Zoo By Firing All Employees, Getting Rid of Cages

      2:56
      On Today NOW!, the savvy businessman who turned a zoo on the verge of bankruptcy into a money-making machine shares management tips with Jim and Tracy.
    • Guy With 10,000 Tweets, 15 Followers About Ready To Hang It Up

      1:23

      Saying that he’s probably done all he could possibly do at this point, Twitter user Aaron Gartner confirmed Tuesday that after posting 10,000 tweets and accumulating just 15 followers, the 26-year-old is pretty much ready to pack it in and discontin...

    • Xbox One Capable Of Controlling Users With Simple Voice Commands

      1:11

      Microsoft says their new Xbox features a host of simple voice commands that will easily control and instruct gamers.

    • Obama Aims To Limit Civilian Casualties With Switch To Taser Drones

      0:58

      President Obama announced today that he plans to reduce drone casualties by replacing missiles with high-range 11 megavolt tasers.

    • Jessica Simpson Goes On Tour To Promote The Novel She Read

      1:03

      The pregnant starlet has finished reading her long-awaited first book and is currently traveling the country to promote the John Grisham thriller to her fans.

    • Physicists Confirm They Have Found And Killed The 'God Particle'

      0:35

      CERN researchers confirm that they have finally identified the elusive Higgs Boson particle and destroyed it forever.

    • Ten Years Later, Cheney Haunted By People He Didn't Manage To Kill In Iraq War

      0:43

      In a rare, candid interview, former Vice President Dick Cheney admitted he regrets that he couldn’t produce more casualties in the decade-long conflict.

    • Paul Ryan's Unsettling Budget Plan Reveals He Cuts His Own Hair

      0:52

      Congressman Ryan is defending his extreme budget plan, which includes proposals that Americans make their own toothpaste and cut their own hair, just like he does.

    • Pope Francis Resigns

      0:45

      The Catholic world was rocked today as 76-year-old Pope Francis I announced plans to step down at the end of the month.

    • James Holmes’ Arraignment Delayed As Court Struggles To Remember Which Mass Shooter He Is

      1:08

      Court officials complain that it’s too difficult to keep track of every massacre and that recalling one from all the way back in July of 2012 is almost impossible.

    • Shady New Wendy's Deal Offering Five Hamburgers For Free, No Questions Asked

      0:56

      The fast-food chain has rolled out a suspicious new promotion selling five hamburgers for zero dollars.

    • Obama Issues Presidential Pardon To Get Biden Out Of Jail For Third Time This Year

      1:15

      The President was forced to exercise his clemency powers to free Joe Biden last week after the Vice President called the White House at 3 AM from a prison pay phone.

    • Romney Blames Loss On Successfully Communicating His Message To Minorities 

      0:55

      In his first televised interview since the election, Mitt Romney said his bid for the White House was doomed by his ability to effectively and honestly convey his opinions to minority voters.

    • Girls Gone Wild Bankruptcy Forces Thousands Of Wet, Wild Party Girls Into Tough Job Market

      1:15

      Experts are blaming Girls Gone Wild’s recent bankruptcy on the company’s business model of employing their hot, horny coeds full time.

    • God: At Times It Felt Like The Pope Had One Foot Out The Door

      0:31

      The Divine Creator of All Things addressed a throng of dedicated fans on his troubled working relationship with the former Pope.

    • Transportation Secretary LaHood Hoarding Traffic Cones, Stop Signs In Advance Of Looming Sequester

      0:56

      Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood is being proactive in the face of his department's potential budget cuts by scouring the country for road signs, traffic lights, and other unattended resources before Friday's sequester hits.

    • Winter Storm Rocky Expected To Hit Kevin Hodges Of Joliet, IL Hardest After The Year He's Had

      1:20

      Meteorologists say the blizzard pummeling the Midwest is expected to devastate Illinois resident Kevin Hodges given everything he's been going through lately. 

    • Oscars Fashion Report: Ben Affleck Looked More Handsome Than Ever, Wrapped In A Stylish George Clooney

      1:35

      The red carpet has never been hotter! Our fashion experts pick out their favorite looks, including Ben Affleck wrapped in a stylish George Clooney.

    • Somber Red Carpet Moment As 'In Memoriam' Coffins Wheeled Into The Auditorium

      0:35

      Stars and fans pay their respects as the corpses of celebrities we lost in 2012 are carried into the Dolby Theater for the Oscars.

    • Johnny Depp Now Completely Made Of Scarves And Bracelets

      0:49

      New photos show that the aging heartthrob has transitioned gracefully into a handsome mass of fabric and ornate bangles.

    • Republicans Reach Out To Women With New 'No Punch Pretty Lady' Bill

      1:08

      To shore up support among female voters, the GOP has introduced a bill banning "putting angry hands to lady necks" and "hurting pretty ladies with mean sex." 

    • Burger King Twitter Hack Forces Its 110,000 Followers To Survive Without Constant Stream Of Burger King Information

      0:47

      Following a cyber attack to the fast food chain's Twitter account, the thousands of people who had chosen to follow Burger King were left without access to important information about the restaurant's products and promotions.

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    Seedless Watermelon Coming To Grips With Fact It’ll Never Be Able To Have Kids

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    Social Media Rock Star Makes $28,000 Per Year

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    Government-Issued PSA Urging Teens To Fuck Their Brains Out

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