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Content From 2013-10-21

Schrödinger’s House

Has radioactive decay tripped the mechanism that sends the hammer swinging, smashing the vial of poison and killing the cat that resides inside, or does the cat still live? Buy this house and find out!

Onion Sports’ NFL Week Seven Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week seven games: Seahawks at Cardinals OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Cardinals – Backup quarterback Drew Stanton will lead...

Man Uses Air Conditioner To Attack Michael Bay

A man reportedly attacked Michael Bay on the set of Transformers 4 in Hong Kong by swinging an air conditioning unit at Bay’s head, though the director was able to avoid serious injury by ducking and then wrestling the appliance away from his...

Johnson & Johnson Introduces New Leave-In Q-Tips

A blood-soaked mayor Bloomberg announces that homelessness is no longer a problem in New York City, Guinness World Records promotes the man who can lift 27 pounds with his tongue to editor-in-chief, and a child sees no reason why his iron man costume can'...

God Reveals He Occasionally Eats Humans

THE HEAVENS—Speaking candidly during a rare interview this Thursday, God Almighty, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, revealed to the public that He occasionally eats human beings. The Supreme Being, who spoke to reporters today about His dietary habits,...

Greatest Sports Rivalries

Approaching a weekend schedule full of heated rivals facing off on the gridiron, Onion Sports breaks down the most storied rivalries in the athletic world

Flesh-Eating Drug Krokodil Catches On In U.S.

Several people in the U.S. have been hospitalized following their apparent use of the highly addictive injectable street drug known as krokodil, which is popular in Eastern Europe and which experts say rots users’ flesh from the inside out.

Government Reopens

With the United States just hours from hitting the debt ceiling, the House of Representatives voted to pass a bipartisan spending bill drafted in the Senate, funding the government until Jan.

Boehner Hoping To Remain Leader Of Republican Parties

WASHINGTON—After a 16-day-long government shutdown and a nearly averted financial crisis that left them with their lowest poll numbers in recent memory, Speaker of the House John Boehner told reporters Thursday that he hopes to remain the leader of ...

Nude Biden Wakes Up On Cold Slab In D.C. Morgue

WASHINGTON—Disoriented and “freezing his goddamn nuts off,” a naked Vice President Joe Biden reportedly awoke Thursday morning on an autopsy table in the Office of the Chief Medical Examiner, White House sources confirmed. “Huh?...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

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The Goat

Owning great shoes won't make you a better pet owner. But it can come in handy when it's time to say goodbye.

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