VATICAN CITY—Saying the wicked little creature had probably crept out of some crack that led to Hell, Pope Francis reportedly crushed a small demon beneath his shoe Friday as it crawled across his papal apartment floor.
PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.
BROOKLYN, NY—Urging apartment hunters to keep their search within reasonable bounds and avoid excessively high leases, real estate broker Katherine Rivera recommend Friday that Brooklyn residents spend no more than 150 percent of their income on rent.
RESTON, VA—Confirming the statistic had reached its lowest level since annual measurements began in 1973, a study released Friday by the National Association for Music Education found that unplanned pregnancies continued their decades-long decline in Bruce Springsteen lyrics.
TALLAHASSEE, FL—Saying its eyewall had swollen up in a “pretty ugly way” in the time since it left the popular spring break and party destination, Hurricane Hermine expressed concern Friday that it had caught something while in Panama City.
WASHINGTON—In an effort to improve America’s ranking in the global technology sector, the U.S. Department of Education unveiled a new STEM initiative Friday designed to discourage students in other countries from choosing careers in science and math.
Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?
THE HEAVENS—Calling the powerful tropical cyclone one of His greatest meteorological feats to date, God Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth, announced Thursday the first successful test of a Category 7 hurricane.
EL VALLE DE ANTÓN, PANAMA—Mournfully noting that the species hadn’t even had a chance to reach its full evolutionary potential before it was taken away from them, the local moist broadleaf forest ecosystem was reportedly left sobered this week at the thought of how young the Rabbs’ fringe-limbed treefrog was when it went extinct.
SOUTH BEND, IN—Holding the straps of his brand-new backpack while confidently striding toward homeroom Thursday, self-assured seventh-grader Caleb Burgess reportedly announced “new year, new Caleb” on his first day of school.
NASHVILLE, TN—Her formerly cheerful voice suddenly becoming clipped and terse, Kroger morning supervisor Deanna Albas reportedly dropped her friendly cashier persona Thursday in order to address a struggling trainee.
SEATTLE—Frustrated with the endless comparisons of the game to human interactions in the real world, globally ranked chess grandmaster Adam Van De Lay admitted Thursday that he is growing “sick and tired” of the average person’s tendency to compare every life situation to a chess match.
Though the average American generates 4.3 pounds of trash per day, few people know what happens to their garbage once they throw it out. The Onion breaks down the steps involved in the surprisingly complex process of waste disposal and management
Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:
LANCASTER, PA—Observing that she is way ahead of other girls her age, sources close to precocious 4-year-old Tessa Davison confirmed Wednesday that she already feels completely terrible about herself.
PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
ATHENS, GREECE—Following a sudden high-pitched squeal of audio feedback, the 11 million citizens of Greece were reportedly woken up at 6 a.m. Wednesday by German chancellor Angela Merkel informing them over loudspeakers that it was time for work.
MASON, MI—Admitting that she doesn’t often get the chance to indulge herself, local mother of three Beth Everson announced plans Tuesday to boil a mouthguard just for herself for a change.
BOULDER, CO—Saying he would try his best to learn them all by heart, University of Colorado professor Derek Pollard took a moment Tuesday to remind his students it will take him a few classes to memorize everyone’s triggers.
ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.
