Tiger Woods Fails To Qualify For Sex With Dive Bar Waitress

In This Section

Vol 47 Issue 33

End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Business

Tiger Woods Fails To Qualify For Sex With Dive Bar Waitress

The former number one sex-haver in the world continued the longest slump of his coital career, unable to bring home a local dive bar waitress and have sex with her.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More