Welcome to the last Get Out Of My Face of 2011. We're celebrating with guns to our heads. Our new year's resolution is not to have a gun to my head anymore. Let's lock, load and count down the year's top stories. Biggest NFL story of 2011, Tim Tebow's been a lightning rod not because he's bad, everyone knows he's bad, but because he's the league's first ever Christian. Christians aren't built for this league. Their meekness, commitment to service and acceptance of their fellow man makes them terrible football players. People thought Christians couldn't play because they hate telling other people what to do, and that's a quarterback's job, but all Tebow does is win. At this rate we might someday see as many Christians in the league as atheists, Jews and gays. Gay isn't a religion, Doc. -Somebody please shoot this bigot. The last NBA season ended with Mark Cuban Mavs trouncing Lebron James's Heat in the triumph of the lesser of two assholes. I hated that smug, rich asshole Mark Cuban, but I hate that gutless, deceitful, attention-hogging asshole Lebron James more. It was a classic asshole battle. -The finals were like a fist fight between Jerry Jones and Pol Pot, though I'm not sure which one is the bigger asshole in that case. All I know is that you're the biggest asshole. I may be an asshole, but you're Lebron so I win. Bang! The NL will be having an unpredictable conclusion to the regular season as the final three innings of play were actually pretty exciting. After 21,867 innings of boring baseball, Evan Longoria's amazing walk off homerun rendered ever game pitch and hit from April to September 28th completely useless. -In July I thought the Red Sox were good and then I catch the last few innings of the season to see they're fat, drunken slobs like you, Kenny. Only players' moms and suckers like you get stuck watching the first 7000 hours of the season. I can't believe you weren't shot for that earlier. -Oh please don't shoot me for watching sports. Alright, former Ohio State coach Jim Tressel was named the Big Ten coach of the year just months after resigning from his position. All Tressel did was knowingly allow some star players to sell team merchandise in exchange for tattoos. In college football terms this man was a saint. Violate the rules, toss out a few favors to try to get ahead, he was the least bad human in the Big Ten. Why hasn't he been made pope? That's why they're renaming it the Jim Tressel Award. That brings us to the number one sports story of 2011. Yes, Penn State. Clearly the top sports story of the year. Congratulations to everyone involved. You deserve it. Alright that's it for Gun To Your Head. For even more great sports stories stuff your stocking with the Onion's new book The Ecstasy of Defeat. It's fun. Now get out of my face calendar year! -GOOMFs!