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    TIME Announces New Version Of Magazine Aimed At Adults

    1:45

    Doing away with kid-friendly info bubbles and colorful photos, new 'TIME Advanced' will cater to adults with an interest in news.

    Recent News
    Newsroom
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    • Report: Slamming Boss Against Wall, Shouting ‘Cash! I Need More Cash!’ Still Leading Tactic For Securing Raise

      1:18
      Calling it the most effective method for reaching one’s full earning potential, a report issued Thursday by the Employee Benefit Research Institute found that violently slamming one’s supervisor against a wall and shouting, “Cash!
    • Greyhound Now Offering Premium Upgrade To Slightly Less Disgusting Seats

      1:03

      In an effort to cater toward customers seeking a slightly less revolting bus-riding experience, transportation giant Greyhound announced Thursday it is now offering its passengers premium upgrades to marginally less disgusting seats. Full article.

    • ONN Exclusive: One-On-One Interview With God

      1:10

      The infallible Creator of the universe sits down for an intimate eye-opening interview.

    • Congressman Embroiled In Sexting Scandal Explains: 'I Wanted That Girl To See My Penis'

      2:11

      David Connors sits down for an exclusive interview with Congressman Bart Handford, who is finally opening up about the nude photo scandal that has threatened his career.

    • Horrified Subway Execs Assumed People Were Buying Footlongs To Share With A Friend

      1:28

      The sandwich chain says it is 'deeply sorry' if customers mistakenly believed that eating an entire foot of food could somehow be considered healthy.

    • Teacher Who Learns More From Her Students Than She Teaches Them Fired

      1:49

      Explaining that her statements indicated a failure to understand and implement the district’s goal of providing a comprehensive education to all children, Southwest High School officials reportedly fired ninth-grade history teacher Jennifer Steenman today after she was heard saying she learns more from her students than they do from her. Full article.

    • CEO Says Office Shooting Could Not Have Come At A Worse Time For Company

      2:07

      A tragic scene in Virginia as a gunman opened fire at the offices of SlashForward Marketing. Managers described the timing of the shooting as “incredibly inopportune” as the company is already struggling to meet its Q3 sales goals.

    • Housefly Drops Everything To Go Stand On Watermelon Slice

      2:25

      An unpopular police officer thinks about committing a racially motivated offense for a little support, a middle-aged man is having the best snacks of his life, and a housefly drops everything to go stand on a watermelon slice.

    • Salt Lake City Hoping To Boost Tourism By Reminding Visitors They’re Free To Leave At Any Time

      1:11

      In a move designed to help the metropolitan area attract more tourists, Salt Lake City officials unveiled a new advertising campaign Thursday reminding potential visitors that they can leave at any time. Full article.

    • Owner's Box: Screws, Splintered Bones, Mangled Joints That Make Up Rob Gronkowski Poised For Huge Fantasy Year

      1:18

      OSN’s fantasy guru, Perry Bigwell, says owners should take a risk on the bolted-together collection of screws and tendons.

    • The Onion Looks Back At 'Dirty Dancing'

      3:51

      The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal looks back at 'Dirty Dancing' in this week's Film Standard.

    • Maybelline Introduces New Ideal-Woman Rubber Mask To Use In Place Of Makeup

      1:40

      Touting it as their most stylish and advanced beauty product to date, officials from global cosmetics brand Maybelline unveiled Thursday the Ideal-Woman Rubber Mask, a flexible facial covering that can be worn over the head in lieu of makeup. Full article.

    • New Kindle Helps Readers Show Off By Shouting Title Of Book Loudly And Repeatedly

      2:03

      Amazon says the Kindle Flare’s repetitive shouting will appeal to fans of print, who miss the ability to display a book’s cover to strangers.

    • Doctors Say Average Heart Attack Victim Doesn’t Clutch At Chest Nearly Dramatically Enough

      1:44

      According to the results of a study published Thursday by the American Heart Association, most heart attack victims do not freeze up and grab at their chests with sufficient measures of theatrics when suffering a cardiac arrest. Full article.

    • Michael Bay Gives Fans Sneak Peek At Ninja Turtles’ Hyper-Realistic CGI Genitals

      2:02

      The super-producer was at Comic-Con this week to show off new clips of the pulse-pounding, penis-heavy Turtle action.

    • Doctors Say Average Heart Attack Victim Doesn’t Clutch At Chest Nearly Dramatically Enough

      1:44

      According to the results of a study published Thursday by the American Heart Association, most heart attack victims do not freeze up and grab at their chests with sufficient measures of theatrics when suffering a cardiac arrest. Full article.

    • The Onion Reviews 'Dawn of the Planet of the Apes'

      3:20

      The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews 'Dawn of the Planet of the Apes' in this week's Film Standard.

    • Beard Husks On Sidewalk Indicate Start Of Hipster Molting Season

      1:33

      If you hear the telltale crunch of a hipster’s discarded beard under your feet, don’t worry: experts say the hirsute young men are just making room to grow even larger, more ironic beards.

    • Last-Ditch Dating Website Simply Asks Users To Check ‘Yes’ If They Have Open Sores

      2:02

       Offering one-click companionship for singles who have exhausted all other options, new last-ditch dating website LastShot.com, which launched earlier this week, pairs users with a partner based solely on whether they have open sores anywhere ... Full article.

    • Nation’s Blakes Cruise Easily Through Lifeguard Tryouts

      1:18

      According to incoming reports from beaches and pools across the country this week, lifeguard tryouts were once again a breeze for the nation’s Blakes. Full article.

    • More Office Workers Switching To Fetal Position Desks

      2:26

      Wellness experts say curling up in a ball on the floor is the healthiest way to deal with the non-stop agony of the workday.

    • New Facebook Feature Scans Profile To Pinpoint Exactly When Things Went Wrong

      2:37

      The new LifePoint function distills each user's mistakes into one easy-to-find moment when their lives irrevocably took a turn for the worse.

    • Ohio Replaces Lethal Injection With Humane New Head-Ripping-Off Machine

      1:58

      Seeking a more humane method of carrying out capital punishment, Ohio’s new machine yanks inmates heads from their bodies using painless, powerful robotic claws.

    • The Onion Looks Back At 'Saving Private Ryan'

      3:32

      The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal looks back at 'Saving Private Ryan' in this week's Film Standard.

    • Survey: Most Common Deathbed Regret Never Spraying Fire Extinguisher

      1:57

      According to a survey of hospice patients released Thursday by the Princeton Medical Institute, the most common regret of the dying is never having sprayed a fire extinguisher. Full article.

    • The Onion's Tips For Finding An Apartment

      1:00

      Finding an apartment that fits your style and budget can be an overwhelming process. Here are The Onion's tips for finding an apartment.

    • Should Obama Blow The Silver Horn The Founding Fathers Left In Case The Country Ever Needed Them?

      2:37
      The Founding Fathers promised to return upon hearing the enchanted horn, but warned it should only be used in times of dire need.
    • CEO Says Office Shooting Could Not Have Come At A Worse Time For Company

      2:07

      A tragic scene in Virginia as a gunman opened fire at the offices of SlashForward Marketing. Managers described the timing of the shooting as “incredibly inopportune” as the company is already struggling to meet its Q3 sales goals.

    • Horrified Subway Execs Assumed People Were Buying Footlongs To Share With A Friend

      1:28

      The sandwich chain says it is 'deeply sorry' if customers mistakenly believed that eating an entire foot of food could somehow be considered healthy.

    • GOP Maintains Solid Hold On Youth That Already Look Like Old Men

      2:06

      The Republican Party may have an insurmountable lead among young voters who dress and act like they’re already 50 years old.

    • U.S. Forest Service Kills Off Smokey Bear To Get People Serious About Fire Safety

      1:15

      Hoping to reinforce their fire safety message, the U.S. Forest Service debuted a brand new ad campaign featuring the horrific, preventable death of their beloved mascot Smokey.

    • Super Hurricane Said to Be Even More Powerful Than Bogdan, World's Strongest Man

      1:54

      The National Weather Service is warning that Tropical Storm Dennis could rival the strength of Bogdan, with wind louder than his footsteps and waves bigger than his arms.

    • Breaking: Tour De France On Hold As Cyclists Ride Over To Creek To Check Out Bugs

      2:14

      The legendary bicycle race is on hold after excited riders discovered a secret path through a forest that had tons of cool jumps and ended down by a nasty old creek.

    • Deadly Super Rainbow Tears Through West Coast

      1:12

      Dozens in California are killed after a powerful Super Rainbow burns a trail of destruction across the state.

    • Meat Prices Skyrocket After Cow Smashing Machine Gets All Beefed Up

      1:17

      The price of meat in the U.S. hit a record high this week after the big machine that takes all the cows and smashes them got real clogged up with beef.

    • Beard Husks On Sidewalk Indicate Start Of Hipster Molting Season

      1:33

      If you hear the telltale crunch of a hipster’s discarded beard under your feet, don’t worry: experts say the hirsute young men are just making room to grow even larger, more ironic beards.

    • Comcast Executive’s One-Man Show Now Mandatory Viewing For All Subscribers

      1:35

      The cable giant continues to reshape the media landscape, bundling company Vice President Brandon Graves’ interpretive character showcase with all cable and Internet packages.

    • Ohio Replaces Lethal Injection With Humane New Head-Ripping-Off Machine

      1:58

      Seeking a more humane method of carrying out capital punishment, Ohio’s new machine yanks inmates heads from their bodies using painless, powerful robotic claws.

    • Should Obama Blow The Silver Horn The Founding Fathers Left In Case The Country Ever Needed Them?

      2:37
      The Founding Fathers promised to return upon hearing the enchanted horn, but warned it should only be used in times of dire need.
    • Nation Successfully Completes Mother’s Day By 9:18 A.M.

      1:04

      The day-long holiday paying tribute to the ones who selflessly gave us life was successfully wrapped up nearly 20 minutes after it began.

    • NASA Discovers This Planet, Planet Earth, Just Might Be What It’s Been Searching For All Along

      1:24

      After years of launching shuttles, probes, and telescopes to see what the universe had to offer, NASA says it's ready to appreciate the planet right in front of it.

    • Hurricane Ashley Expected To Strike Several Bars This Cinco De Mayo

      1:36

      The screaming whirlwind of drunkenness has been gathering strength all week and has already made a mess of herself in a number of local bars.

    • Teen Boys Losing Virginity Earlier And Earlier, Report Teen Boys

      1:53

      A shocking new study that asked teen boys about their sexual habits reveals that they are all having sex all the time and are really, really good at having it.

    • George W. Bush Debuts New Paintings Of Dogs, Friends, Ghost Of Iraqi Child That Follows Him Everywhere

      1:41

      President Bush has a new hobby -- painting! -- and he’s showing off some new watercolors of the undead Iraqi boy who lives in his nightmares.

    • Michelle Obama Introduces Exercise Program To Combat Obesity In Professional Baseball Players

      1:57

      The First Lady launched the “Take The Field” initiative this week, encouraging Major League baseball players to get active and eat a healthy diet.

    • Boston Mayor Throws Out First Punch At St. Patrick’s Day Parade

      0:53

      St. Patrick’s Day celebrations kicked off in Boston yesterday when Mayor Marty Walsh landed the annual first blow on hometown celebrity Donnie Wahlberg.

    • Report: Leading Cause Of Death In U.S. Is God Needing Another Angel

      1:24

      The Department of Health and Human Services released their long-awaited report clarifying that nearly every death is directly linked to our Heavenly Lord needing our deceased love ones up in Heaven.

    Onion Special Report

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    Couple Keeps It Interesting By Bickering In Different Positions, Rooms

    1:30

    Study Finds Earth Located In Lamest Part Of Universe

    1:11

    Devastated Family Struggling To Cope After Losing Everything On DVR

    1:46

    ONNCast

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    Jock Scientists Discover Gay Gene In Carl

    0:58

    Jared Leto Thanks Acting For Being An Easy Thing That Anybody Can Do

    0:42

    Sochi’s Euthanized Dogs To Be Returned To Streets After Olympics

    0:38

    Onion Review

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    Smooth Operator Also Forklift Operator

    1:59

    Fully Gentrified Neighborhood All Cheese Shops

    2:19

    Lowly Mortal Opens Portal To Hell

    2:26

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