TIME Announces New Version Of Magazine Aimed At Adults

Study: Majority Of Frontal Lobe Occupied By Thoughts Of Sausage Links

SEATTLE—Noting the way the polar and lateral regions “light up” when occupied with breakfast-related cognitive processes, a study published Wednesday by the University of Washington revealed that the majority of activity within the human...

Nation Demands More Slow-Motion Footage Of Syrup Cascading Onto Pancakes

WASHINGTON—Fed up with what they say is an incessant stream of advertisements for everything from automobiles to financial planning services, a frustrated American populace demanded more commercials featuring slow-motion footage of maple syrup casca...

5 Things To Know About ‘Rogue One’

The Onion Reviews ‘Rogue One’

The Onion’s movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews ‘Rogue One’ in this week’s Film Standard.

Your Horoscopes – Week Of December 6, 2016

SAGITTARIUS: You always wondered which of your sins would send you to hell, but you never thought it would be tipping Roger $2.34 on a $60 check.

Your Horoscopes – Week Of November 29, 2016

SAGITTARIUS: You can try dancing around the issue all you want, but in the end, you still don’t know what to do with your arms while on the dance floor.

Thousands Of Rats Tumble About Uncontrollably Inside Snoopy Balloon High Above Thanksgiving Day Parade

What To Expect From A Live-Action ‘Beauty And The Beast’

Disney unveiled the trailer for its live-action adaptation of its 1991 film ‘Beauty And The Beast’, which comes out in March 2017. Here’s what viewers have to look forward to:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 22, 2016

ARIES: You’ll continue playing dress-up this week, despite being almost 30, and feeling kind of silly every time you put on that professional-looking suit.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 15, 2016

ARIES: Try listening to your body this week. It’s got a bunch of really great stories about hanging out with Jimmy Page.

The Onion Looks Back At ‘Beauty And The Beast’

The Onion’s movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal looks back at ‘Beauty And The Beast’ in this week’s Film Standard

Crowd Can’t Believe Balls On Frontman Who Waited Till Third Song To Ask Them How They’re Doing

BURLINGTON, VT—Astounded by his brazen lack of concern for their well-being, the crowd at The Showbox rock club reportedly couldn’t believe the balls on the frontman of indie-rock group Corinthian Leather, who sources said waited until the third song of his Tuesday night set to ask them how they were doing.

Doctors Restore Ken Burns’ Full-Color Vision After Removing Massive Tumor From Filmmaker’s Visual Cortex

CLEVELAND—Speaking to reporters following the successful eight-hour procedure Tuesday, neurosurgeons at the Cleveland Clinic confirmed they had removed a golf ball–sized tumor from the visual cortex of filmmaker Ken Burns, restoring the documentarian’s ability to see in full color.

‘This Is The Golden Age Of Television,’ Claim Executives Who Have Not Yet Made Show About Robotic Wizards

LOS ANGELES—Praising the expansive slate of high-quality fantasies, comedies, and period dramas currently in production while negligently overlooking a gaping hole in the entertainment landscape, cable and network executives reportedly continued to claim this week that we are living in a golden age of television despite having never made a show about robotic wizards.

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 11, 2016

ARIES: Due to repeated instances of nudity, and loud, often offensive outbursts of profanity, you’ll soon be labeled as NSFW.

Library Of Congress Completes Destruction Of 70 Million Works Deemed Culturally Insignificant

WASHINGTON—Explaining that it had selected the pieces because of their lack of any intellectual, historic, or aesthetic value, the Library of Congress reportedly completed destruction Friday of 70 million works deemed culturally insignificant.

Ken Burns Completes Documentary About Fucking Liars Who Claimed They Watched Entire ‘Jazz’ Series

ARLINGTON, VA—Announcing that the new 12-hour project would air on PBS next month, filmmaker Ken Burns confirmed Friday he had completed production on a documentary about all the fucking liars who claimed they watched his entire Jazz miniseries.

Poll: Majority Of Americans Still Remember Where They Were When Gandalf Fell Into Abyss

WASHINGTON—Stating that the extremely traumatic nature of the event appeared to have left many respondents with unusually strong and vivid memories, the Pew Research Center released a new poll Friday revealing that most Americans can still recall exactly where they were when Gandalf the Grey fell into the abyss at the Mines of Moria.

Hollywood Refusing To Give Public Any New Movies Until It Can Appreciate Ones It Already Has

LOS ANGELES—In a joint statement confirming that all production would cease immediately, representatives from every Hollywood film studio announced Friday that audiences would not be given any new movies to watch until they had learned to appreciate the ones they already have.

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

The Onion Reviews ‘Sully’

The Onion’s movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews ‘Sully’ in this week’s Film Standard.

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

37-Year-Old Makes Absolutely Heartbreaking Last-Ditch Effort To Get Really Into New Band

INDIANAPOLIS—Saying he was really starting to appreciate the group’s sound, local 37-year-old Ed Johnstone reportedly made an absolutely heartbreaking last-ditch effort this week to get into a new band.

‘Candy Land’ Screenwriter Under Impression Fans Counting On Him To Get This Right

LOS ANGELES—Telling reporters Monday he felt significant pressure to ensure the project lived up to the high expectations of people around the world, screenwriter Michael Wilder, who is currently adapting the board game Candy Land into a full-length feature film, is reportedly under the impression fans are counting on him to get this right.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 2, 2016

ARIES: Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday’s biological-disease outbreak.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 26, 2016

ARIES: You will soon be forced to admit that your entire emotional range can be conveyed with a set of cleverly arranged punctuation marks.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 12, 2016

ARIES: This week, try not to worry about things over which you have no control. For an ineffectual slob such as yourself, this means just about everything.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 5, 2016

ARIES: The whole world will hold its breath this week while you engage in a life-and-death struggle with heartburn.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 28, 2016

ARIES: You may not have a lot of money, but you still believe yourself to be rich in many ways. This isn’t surprising considering the cost of a proper education these days.

The Onion Reviews ‘Independence Day: Resurgence’

The Onion’s movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews ‘Independence Day: Resurgence’ in this week’s Film Standard.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 21, 2016

ARIES: Nothing noteworthy will occur in your life this week, as you have not paid your cable bill in months.

The Onion Reviews ‘Finding Dory’

The Onion’s movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews ‘Finding Dory’ in this week’s Film Standard.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 7, 2016

ARIES: It may be years before your coworkers treat you with respect again, but it will have been worth it for the brief time spent in the panda suit.

Man At Amusement Park Gets Right Back In Line For Another Funnel Cake

SANDUSKY, OH—Immediately standing up from his seat and striding quickly past other visitors as soon as the snack was over, Cedar Point amusement park patron Paul Matazaro reportedly raced back to the end of the line for another funnel cake Thursday.

Library Of Congress Adds ‘No Sleep ’Til Hammersmith’ To National Motörhead Registry

WASHINGTON—In recognition of the 1981 live album’s contribution to the metal pioneers’ legacy, the Library of Congress announced Tuesday that No Sleep ’Til Hammersmith had been added to the National Motörhead Registry.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 31, 2016

ARIES: The stars don’t understand how you can sleep at night after everything that you’ve done, though they’re mostly just referring to all the napping.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 24, 2016

ARIES: While you may feel the urge to take everything on yourself, it’s best to slow down and leave the majority of the work to a professionally licensed coroner.

Supposed ‘Game Of Thrones’ Buff Hasn’t Even Finished Books Yet

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 17, 2016

ARIES: There are a million reasons you shouldn’t give up hope of ever finding love. None of them, however, are any good.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 10, 2016

ARIES: An out-of-body experience will soon leave you with a deeper understanding of just how much weight you should be trying to lose.

Disappointing Prince Vaults Found To Contain 37,000 Hours Of Billy Joel Covers

CHANHASSEN, MN—Ending rampant speculation regarding the extent of the late musician’s catalogue of unreleased recordings, the executors of Prince’s estate announced Monday that the performer’s famed vault in his Paisley Park residence sadly contains 37,000 hours of Billy Joel covers.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 26, 2016

ARIES: Just when it seems that all hope is gone, you’ll discover a deep untapped reservoir of hope deep within you which will soon be gone too.

Beyoncé Quickly Releases New Song About How Buying Tidal Subscription Most Empowering Thing A Woman Can Do

NEW YORK—Following on the heels of the surprise release of her new album, Lemonade, over the weekend, Beyoncé unexpectedly debuted a brand-new song Monday about how purchasing a subscription to the streaming music service Tidal is the most empowering action a woman can take, sources confirmed.

Man Wearing Sunglasses Upside Down On Back Of Head Still Recovering From Paul Walker’s Death

OCALA, FL—Speaking somberly while staring off into the distance, local resident Mike Budd, a man who regularly wears tinted, wraparound Oakley sunglasses upside down on the back of his head, told reporters Monday that he is still recovering from the 2013 death of actor Paul Walker.

Nation Relieved Insufferable Little ‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Don’t Have Book To Lord Over Them This Season

WASHINGTON—Telling reporters they were unable to convey the full extent of their gratitude that the plot of the hit HBO series had finally surpassed the events of the novels, citizens across the country expressed immense relief Sunday that all the insufferable little Game Of Thrones fans would no longer be able to lord the books over everyone else just trying to enjoy the show.

‘Game Of Thrones’ Fan Rewatching Past Episodes To Remind Self Of What Characters’ Breasts Look Like

FREMONT, CA—In an effort to refresh his memory ahead of the upcoming season of the popular fantasy series, local Game Of Thrones fan Bryan Parker reportedly rewatched past episodes of the show this week to remind himself of what all the characters’ breasts look like.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 19, 2016

ARIES: Your life will be drab and gray until you discover that your stuffed animals can be posed in amusing sexual positions.

New Altar Boy Clearly Not Ready For Spotlight Of 10 A.M. Sunday Mass

COATESVILLE, PA—Calling his bowing and candle-work “sloppy at best,” parishioners at Holy Family Church told reporters yesterday that new altar boy Christopher Mains, 11, was clearly not ready for the spotlight of the 10 a.m. Sunday Mass.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 5, 2016

ARIES: The stars believe that a person must make his own mistakes, but they warn you not to do anything that may, say, burn down Chicago this week.

Report Finds Average American Wastes 77 Years Of Their Life Not Listening To Steve Winwood’s ‘The Finer Things’

BOSTON—According to a report released Monday by the sociology department at Tufts University, the average American completely wastes 77 years of his or her life not listening to the adult contemporary soft-rock classic “The Finer Things” by Steve Winwood.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 29, 2016

ARIES: You’ll awake this week to find a complete stranger in your room, along with her husband, their two daughters, and all of their belongings, furniture and clothes.

‘Batman V. Superman’ Promotion Urges Filmgoers To Just Get This Over With

LOS ANGELES—Promising that it would be best to just buy a ticket and take care of the unpleasantness right away, a new Batman V. Superman: Dawn Of Justice promotional campaign launched this week reportedly urged filmgoers to simply get this whole thing over with.

The Onion Reviews ‘Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice’

The Onion’s movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews ‘Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice’ in this week’s Film Standard.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 22, 2016

ARIES: You have a mind like a steel trap, much to the horror of all those poor naked women locked inside.

Obama Receives Classified Briefing On Likelihood Of ‘Krull’ Reboot

WASHINGTON—Shortly after arriving in the Oval Office early Thursday morning, President Obama reportedly met with key advisors to receive his daily classified briefing on the likelihood of a reboot of the 1983 science-fiction film Krull.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 15, 2016

ARIES: The stars foretell of a mad prophet rising in the east in the moon’s next cycle. They hope this somehow helps you with your life.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 8, 2016

ARIES: Your life is about to get a whole lot easier. Unfortunately, the same thing can’t be said for your live-in nurse.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 1, 2016

ARIES: Self-improvement may be a noble goal, but the stars aren’t so sure the leg rests, dual cup-holders, and wood paneling are what people had in mind.

Leonardo DiCaprio Morphs Back Into Hairy, Overweight Iowan After Finally Receiving Oscar

LOS ANGELES—Undergoing a rapid physical transformation the instant his hand grasped the Academy Award for best actor, Leonardo DiCaprio reportedly morphed back into a hairy, heavyset Iowan Sunday after finally winning an Oscar.

Leonardo DiCaprio Kisses Bear Before Going Up To Receive Oscar

Best Visual Effects Oscar Introduced By Highly Acclaimed Lens Flare

Tips For Hosting An Oscar Party

The 88th Academy Awards air Sunday, Feb. 28. Here are some tips for hosting an unforgettable Oscars watch party

Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 23, 2016

ARIES: An unexpected visitor will wake you in the middle of the night, rush you to the bathroom, and leave you bloodied and scared. Congratulations, you’re a woman now.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 16, 2016

ARIES: You’ll have your train of thought derailed this week, instantly killing thousands of Indian passengers, injuring countless livestock, and choking the streets with cargo and crew.

Seating Mix-Up Puts Tony Bennett In Middle Of Slipknot

Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 9, 2016

ARIES: Don’t worry your pretty little head about next week’s events. Instead, worry your pretty little arms, your pretty little legs, and that pretty little spine of yours about it.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 2, 2016

ARIES: You’ll be punished for playing God this week, which isn’t surprising, considering the Cockney accent, exaggerated limp, and thick head of curly blond hair you gave Him.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 26, 2016

ARIES: You’ve long thought of yourself as a left-brain type of person, but the stroke will quickly and dramatically change all that.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 19, 2016

ARIES: You’ll have no choice but to eat the other passengers after your plane crashes into an Armour Hot Dog processing plant this week.

Leonardo DiCaprio Hopes He Screamed And Cried Good Enough In ‘The Revenant’ To Win Oscar

LOS ANGELES—Asked for his thoughts on his Academy Award nomination for Best Actor, Leonardo DiCaprio told reporters Thursday that he really hopes he screamed and cried good enough in The Revenant to win the Oscar.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 12, 2016

ARIES: The interesting thing about your future isn’t its extreme brevity, but how many angry, drunken Cossacks it holds.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 5, 2016

ARIES: Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week thanks to a series of well-placed commas.

Women In Hollywood Perfectly Okay They Not Represented Behind The Scenes Of ‘The Blacklist’

LOS ANGELES—While acknowledging concerns that men vastly outnumber women in key creative positions in Hollywood, a coalition of female writers, producers, and directors told reporters Wednesday they have “absolutely no problem at all” being underrepresented behind the scenes of NBC’s The Blacklist.

Man Who Saw ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ 6 Times Over Holidays Thought It Was Pretty Good

CHICAGO—Stressing that the movie “definitely had some cool moments,” local man Jeff Feitel, who saw Star Wars: The Force Awakens six times over the holidays, told reporters Monday that he thought it was pretty good.

Guy Wearing Chewbacca Costume Torn Between Seeing ‘Star Wars’ And ‘The Big Short’

BOSTON—Going back and forth between the two options as he approached the movie theater ticket counter, a man dressed in a full Chewbacca costume told reporters Thursday that he was torn between seeing Star Wars: The Force Awakens and the new financial film The Big Short.

The Onion Reviews ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’

The Onion’s movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ in this week’s Film Standard.

Fan Just Going To Keep Open Mind About Whether New ‘Star Wars’ Best Or Worst Movie Ever

CHICAGO—In an effort to avoid making a judgment before he even enters the theater, local fan Mike Siedler confirmed Wednesday that he was going into tomorrow’s premiere with an open mind about whether ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ is the best or worst movie ever made.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Your Horoscopes — Week Of December 8, 2015

ARIES: Running away from your problems will fail this week, as will climbing out of your problems’ reach and playing dead in hopes that your problems go away.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of December 1, 2015

ARIES: Four will be killed, 12 injured, and nearly 50 molested this week after your unconscious escapes.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 24, 2015

ARIES: This week try wearing less make-up when you leave the house, even if it means angering the other members of KISS.

Nation Demands More Movies Where Guy Reveals He Was Wearing Bulletproof Vest

LOS ANGELES—Concerned moviegoing citizens across the nation issued an urgent appeal to Hollywood studios this week to make more films in which a guy is shot multiple times in the chest and then, later on, is revealed to have been wearing a bulletproof vest the whole time.

Nation Satisfied As Selena Gomez Completes Transition Into Sexualized Plaything

‘Good—It Is Done,’ Say Americans

WASHINGTON—Viewing the latest entertainment coverage of the 23-year-old singer and actor with great satisfaction, pleased citizens across the U.S. announced Thursday that Selena Gomez had completed her transition into a sexualized plaything just as they had expected.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 17, 2015

ARIES: You’ll find it difficult to point out your assailant in court next week, but that’s mainly because of what he’ll have done to your hands.

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

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