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Onion News Network
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Happening Now
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If you are just joining us
we are covering a developing story.
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We go back now to
Southern California
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where a VH1 bus crashed
just a short while ago
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spilling more than
2,000 pounds of slut
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onto Interstate 5,
near Palmdale.
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The bus was transporting contestants
for the new VH1 reality series,
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The Road to Knoxville,
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in which 18 scantily clad
young women
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vie for the heart of divorced stuntman
Johnny Knoxville.
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Officials there are struggling
to control the scrud of slut,
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which has already
polluted the roadway
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and is spreading now down
a hillside into residential areas.
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Let's go live to Onion News Network's
Brian Scott
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who is live on the scene.
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Brian, what exactly
is going on out there?
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Well, it is just horrible, Ana.
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The highway here was
not pristine to begin with,
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but now it is covered in
all of this orange-skinned slut.
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I have only been here an hour
I've already seen four 3-way-kisses
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and six tattoos with misspellings.
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And downwind the stench of
perfume and tequila mixed together
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is pretty difficult to stomach.
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It sounds like quite a scene.
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Brian I understand the sluts
had been loaded onto the bus
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in Huntington Beach
early this morning,
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Is that right?
- That is where it began.
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Yes, the sluts were
being transported
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from a negligee-wearing
rock-climbing contest there
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to a girl-on-girl paintball match
when the crash occurred.
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There has been
speculation in fact
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that the accident was
actually caused by
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some slut coming into
the front cab of the vehicle
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and getting on the driver.
- I see.
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The local fire department
is just not equipped
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to handle something this toxic.
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The problem is we're very
close to the San Gabriel River
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and officials are concerned
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that the sluts might
go skinny dipping in it
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or think it's a hot tub
and make out in it.
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We should say too that
the crews are doing their best,
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they're just trying to keep
these sluts contained
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with impromptu strip-offs
and shooter contests
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in the ditch behind me.
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Now we have just gotten word
that VH1 has issued a statement,
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it is on their website,
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it says they are fully committed
to the safe handling of sluts.
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Yes, but the EPA has urged VH1
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to use perhaps a
more diluted form of slut
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than this highly concentrated
slut they use now.
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Sounds like good stuff but I
don't think VH1 will ever go for that.
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Brian stay safe out there
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and don't fuck any of those sluts.
- Alright. Thanks, Ana.
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Moving on - A new Apple laptop
will come preloaded
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with a half-written
coming-of-age novel.
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Still ahead this hour:
Toby Keith releases new song
00:02:09.200,00:02:12.270
designed specifically
for torturing detainees.
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