RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.
QOM, IRAN—Running into the bathroom with armfuls of the fissile material after spotting several United Nations nuclear inspectors approaching for a surprise visit, panicked scientists at Iran’s Fordow Fuel Enrichment Plant reportedly scrambled to flush more than 200 pounds of enriched uranium-235 down the toilet Monday.
AL MUZAHIMIYAH, SAUDI ARABIA—Complaining that he must have “tweaked it pretty good,” Saudi executioner Khalid al-Faraj told reporters Thursday that he thinks he pulled something in his shoulder during yesterday’s last 10 decapitations.
ARLINGTON, VA—Calling the effort a dramatic display of the Asian country’s powerful capabilities, officials from the RAND Corporation confirmed Wednesday that North Korea has successfully harvested wheat.
VATICAN CITY—Following a guided tour of the excavated ruins beneath St. Peter’s Basilica on Tuesday, several stunned members of a Vatican sightseeing group told reporters they had glimpsed a gaunt and haggard Joseph Ratzinger as he scuttled past them in the dark corridors of the subterranean burial site.
WASHINGTON—Saying their current process of establishing economic pacts had become stale and predictable, high-ranking government officials from the United States and China confirmed Monday that the two nations had decided to try spicing up their trade relationship by bringing a third country into their negotiations.
BARAMCHA, AFGHANISTAN—Shaking his head at all the new recruitment and indoctrination methods used by his younger counterparts nowadays, al-Qaeda member Khalid Al-Muthanna, 42, wistfully recalled to reporters Monday a time when radicalization was performed face-to-face rather than over the internet.
Over 150 world leaders are meeting in Paris this week to address the global effects of climate change in the hopes that a unified international effort can avert grave future consequences for the planet. Here are the major goals of the Paris climate talks
The United States’ effort to accept Syrian refugees seeking asylum has been the subject of much controversy over security concerns and the rigor of the vetting process. Here are the steps involved in a refugee’s arrival in America
Following last week’s deadly Paris attacks and numerous other violent incidents perpetrated by the terror group ISIS, many governments and populations worldwide are wondering how we can eliminate this threat. Here are some strategies to defeat the Islamic State:
BEIJING—Despite devoting countless resources toward rectifying the issue, Chinese government officials announced Monday that the country has struggled to recruit hackers fast enough to keep pace with vulnerabilities in U.S. security systems.
KUNDUZ, AFGHANISTAN—Claiming that the recent extension of U.S. military presence in Afghanistan was only a minor setback, Taliban leader Mullah Akhtar Mansoor confirmed Thursday that the Islamic fundamentalists already know which Westernized schools will go first once American forces withdraw.
VATICAN CITY—Explaining how he rarely goes more than an hour or two without hearing from one of them or another, Pope Francis revealed to reporters Tuesday that God is just one of many immortal beings who speak to him on a daily basis.
WASHINGTON— Exhausted, berimed with salt, and haggard from his long sea journey, but nevertheless triumphant as he guided his fleet to port following the completion of the Trans-Pacific Partnership, President Barack Obama is said to have made harbor in Washington, D.C.’s anchorage Monday, his five sturdy galleons choked to the very gunwales with the finest silks, casks of redolent cardamom, and great cakes of vivid dye-of-indigo retrieved from the far Orient.
NOVOSINKOVO, RUSSIA—Staring directly into the drooping eyes of the woozy, flushed henchman sitting across from him in the back room of a dimly lit tavern, Secretary of State John Kerry reportedly downed another vodka shot Sunday night as the last of Russian president Vladimir Putin’s security detail passed out beside him.
The 70th United Nations General Assembly takes place this week, with member countries focusing on plans to address global sustainability, economic growth, and the Syrian refugee crisis, among other major topics. Here are the main goals of this year’s assembly:
Pope Francis is making his first visit to the U.S. this week, with stops in Washington, D.C., New York City, and Philadelphia as he speaks to government officials and conducts large-scale masses. Here is a full itinerary of the pope’s visit
ATLANTA—Surveying the variety of travel pillows and support cushions as he browsed through a Brookstone in Concourse D, Pope Francis reportedly killed three hours Monday milling around the Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport during a layover to Washington, D.C.
VATICAN CITY—In an effort to prepare for his weeklong visit to the United States, Pope Francis reportedly left a set of detailed instructions taped to the door of the Apostolic Palace this weekend that explained how to take care of the Holy Spirit while he is out of town.
Pope Francis has garnered much international attention in the first two and a half years of his papacy, taking a more liberal approach to women’s issues, the family unit, and the environment than his predecessors. Here is a primer on prominent global issues and the pope’s views on them:
PALO ALTO, CA—Explaining that even the most well-meaning criticism can lead to adverse repercussions, a study released Thursday by researchers at Stanford University has found that berating the U.S. education system has only caused it to fall further behind its international peers.
BUDAPEST, HUNGARY—Saying they never dreamed they’d have the opportunity to do so much traveling and sightseeing, tens of thousands of refugees across Europe confirmed Tuesday that they were grateful for the chance to take in so many of the continent’s natural and historical treasures while being bounced from country to country.
VATICAN CITY—Hurrying outside after hearing a disturbingly loud thud against the side of the church, Pope Francis was reportedly left to clean up the remains of a dead angel Monday that flew straight into one of the Sistine Chapel’s windows.
With more than 150 Americans accused of attempting to fight alongside ISIS in Syria and countless young Europeans allegedly joining or supporting the terrorist group, many are left wondering what a population of extremists has to offer Westerners a world away. Here are some reasons these people might want to ally with ISIS
ISLA GRANDE DEL MAÍZ, NICARAGUA—Creeping stealthily into the bungalow where John Kerry lay sleeping after a trade summit Thursday, Nicaraguan Minister of Foreign Affairs Samuel Santos López, illuminated only by a sliver of moon, reportedly slid open the lid of a small pine box and released a deadly Brazilian wandering spider onto the blanket of his American counterpart.
After 54 years of closure, the U.S. embassy in Havana and the Cuban embassy in Washington, D.C. each began flying their flags once more this week, a symbol of the restored diplomatic ties between the two nations. Here is what we can expect from the relationship going forward
WASHINGTON—Following Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s heated objections to the nuclear deal struck between the United States and Iran, American officials announced Tuesday that they were calming the upset head of government by treating him to a nice, big shipment of ballistic missiles.
AL-SHATI, GAZA STRIP—Saying he hardly recognized some of the makeshift buildings and piles of rubble he played in as a child, Gaza native Ramzy Abu-Dhubah told reporters Tuesday he was struck by how much the refugee camp he grew up in has changed over the years.
ALMOLOYA DE JUAREZ, MEXICO—Following the drug kingpin’s recent escape from the maximum security facility, Arturo Terrazas, warden of the Altiplano prison in central Mexico, vowed Monday to take away Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman’s tunnel privileges if he is captured.
DAMASCUS—Saying its doors were open to anyone with hate in their heart, sources at non-denominational terrorist group Universal Soldiers of Vengeance told reporters Friday that the organization welcomes radicals of all faiths.
THE HEAVENS—Saying that His opinion of the heavens and the earth seems to change every time He looks at them, The Lord Our God, Supreme Ruler of the Universe, admitted Monday that He is simply too close to His divine creation to judge whether it’s any good or not.
GAINESVILLE, FL—According to a report released Friday by researchers at the University of Florida College of Public Health, 98 percent of all sexual intercourse in Germany is recorded and uploaded to the pornographic video–sharing website Pornhub.
ARLINGTON, VA—Drawing on satellite data and foreign intelligence reports, Pentagon officials confirmed Monday that North Korea was in the late stages of developing a military parade with an operational range of 5,000 miles.
TALLINN, ESTONIA—With the private data of national governments and entire global industries at his fingertips, sources confirmed this morning that yet another day had begun with the whole world helplessly at the mercy of 19-year-old Estonian computer hacker Jüri Pevkur.
KRUGER NATIONAL PARK, SOUTH AFRICA—Falling into dead silence as their guide spotted movement behind a cluster of baobab trees, a group of tourists on safari in South Africa reportedly marveled at the sight of a poacher slowly and methodically stalking his prey Monday.
ZURICH—Following a massive U.S. Department of Justice indictment alleging that high-ranking members of the global soccer organization conducted widespread financial fraud, sources confirmed Thursday that underpaid migrant laborers are currently working roughly 18 hours a day preparing FIFA’s legal defense.
Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon
ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.
On Wednesday, the U.S. government declassified more than 400 documents and other material seized from Osama bin Laden’s Pakistan hideout during the 2011 raid that resulted in his death. Here are some of the items found in the former al-Qaeda leader’s compound
PYONGYANG—In light of the recent execution of yet another high-ranking North Korean official, newly sworn-in legislator Park Jun-seo told reporters Wednesday that he is wondering which method will eventually be used to put him to death.
SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA—Admitting he was having difficulty concentrating on destroying his enemy’s nexus as he sat inside PC Zone internet café Monday, League Of Legends: Dominion player JuHo Lee complained that the guy who died at the adjacent computer station was really starting to ruin the game for him.
MOSCOW—Saying he can’t imagine beginning his day without the pages spread out on his kitchen table, Russian president Vladimir Putin told reporters Thursday that he starts off each morning by sitting down to write the day’s news.
KINGDOM OF GOLDEN SANDS—Throwing herself in front of her beloved U.S. secretary of state as the royal executioner raised his scimitar, Princess Amirah of Arabia reportedly begged her father the sultan Friday to spare John Kerry’s life.
PARIS—Shortly after returning Leonardo da Vinci’s most famous portrait to its home at the Louvre for the second time this week, Interpol officials admitted Wednesday that a full 89 percent of its work involves locating and recovering the Mo...
WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that the commander-in-chief might want to get a head start on such a project soon, architect Owen Levin presented President Obama with generic options for a national memorial Tuesday that could feasibly honor an American war i...
NEW YORK—In a major breakthrough that provides new insight into the region’s deep-seated instability, researchers at Columbia University presented evidence Tuesday that indicates the long-running conflict currently engulfing the Middle East pr...
WASHINGTON—As part of the White House’s effort to mend 50 years of acrimonious U.S.-Cuba relations, members of the Obama administration called on the island nation this week to adopt a more democratic form of corruption.
WASHINGTON—Saying the Likud Party leader had set Israeli citizens’ expectations extremely high in the run up to his reelection Tuesday, top-level sources expressed their worry Wednesday about whether the United States would actually be able to...
VATICAN CITY—Lamenting their tremendous impact on Catholic doctrine and their unfettered access to influential clergy, frustrated Vatican insiders told reporters Monday that policymaking decisions for the world’s largest Christian denomination...
BEIJING—Asserting that their government’s policy of strict censorship was not completely detrimental, China’s 1.4 billion citizens admitted this week that they are actually kind of grateful to not have access to the entire internet.
WASHINGTON—In what is being regarded as a further provocation on top of his already controversial address before Congress, Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu doubled down against President Obama Tuesday with a PowerPoint presentation on the p...
NEW YORK—Confirming that only a few square miles currently remain, a report released Tuesday by the United Nations warned that the Middle East is rapidly running out of available land for violence to spill over to.
A congressional visit from Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu that has reportedly rankled President Obama is the latest issue in what have often been strained diplomatic ties between the two countries.
BOSTON—Making an utter fool of himself in front of company Monday night, local resident and complete fucking moron Tony Penneman actually voiced aloud his opinion that Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov is “the most inventive orchestrator in the history ...
DUBAI—Calling it the most ambitious project of its kind ever undertaken, officials from Dubai’s Department of Economic Development announced Tuesday the emirate’s plans to construct the world’s largest human rights violation.
BEIJING—Acknowledging that its current programs are insufficient to meet the needs of a fast-paced, 21st-century population, the Chinese Ministry of Justice held a press conference Friday affirming its commitment to fixing the nation’s crumbli...
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Following the company’s announcement that it would discontinue public sales of the wearable technology, Google officials confirmed Monday that all unsold units of Google Glass would be donated to underprivileged assholes in A...
PARIS—Citing the immense crowds gathered at rallies in Paris and scores of other cities across the globe, sources confirmed Sunday that the world has united in its common desire to have a little more time between terrorist attacks.
PARIS—In the wake of this week’s terrorist attacks on French newspaper Charlie Hebdo and two ensuing armed standoffs that together left over a dozen innocent civilians dead, humankind admitted Friday that it is sick and tired of having ...
PARIS—Following the fatal terrorist attack Wednesday at the offices of French newspaper Charlie Hebdo, sources confirmed this afternoon that it is sadly not yet clear whether this very article will ultimately put human lives at risk.
BRISBANE, AUSTRALIA—In an effort to strengthen diplomatic ties between the global superpowers’ most oafish representatives, sources confirmed Thursday that schlubs from the United States and China met in Australia this week for a series of low...
NEW YORK—Starting their three-day whirlwind tour of New York, Prince William and Duchess Kate told reporters Monday that they planned to spend the leftover $36.21 in American currency that Queen Elizabeth II had been holding on to since her 2010 vis...
ZURICH—Arriving from around the world for a three-day political summit, the highest-ranking government officials from over 190 nations have gathered in Zurich this week for direct talks on how fucking incredible it is to run a country. ...
WASHINGTON—Confirming that U.S. students’ competency in the area of knowledge had only increased in recent years, a Pew Research Center report published Tuesday found that young Americans continue to lead the world in their awareness of which ...
VIENNA—Asserting the Middle Eastern nation’s right to a safe, peaceful energy program, members of the Iranian diplomatic team attempted to seek more favorable terms of a deal with the P5+1 global powers while openly assembling a nuclear weapon...
MIRANSHAH, PAKISTAN—Admitting he has “mellowed out a bit” with age, 54-year-old militant jihadist Adil Jalal Kalmati confided to reporters Wednesday that he now finds himself far less enraged by Western culture than he did in his younger...
BEIJING—Celebrating the milestone with hugs, jubilant cheers, and singing, over 600,000 Chinese citizens assembled in Tiananmen Square today to watch the U.S. debt clock mounted above the Forbidden City
BEIJING—Acknowledging the industrialized nation’s role in global climate change, China reportedly reached a landmark agreement with the United States Wednesday, pledging to significantly increase the rate at which it falsifies air pollution da...
PYONGYANG—Saying they were taking a deep breath and steeling themselves for the melodramatic public wailing and mass-scale processions they might soon have to engage in, sources confirmed Monday that the people of North Korea were already mentally p...
OSLO, NORWAY—In what critics are describing as another shameless appeal to the global population’s appreciation for love, tranquility, and cooperation, the members of the Nobel Peace Prize Committee chose once again to pander to their audience...
PYONGYANG—Explaining that the highest levels of government were currently in a state of disarray, international affairs experts confirmed Friday that the continuing absence of Kim Jong-un had left top-ranking North Korean officials with nobody to ag...
WASHINGTON—Addressing concerns that the Obama administration was selectively ignoring their ongoing demonstrations against the Chinese government, White House officials held a press conference Wednesday to reassure Hong Kong residents that their pro...
PYONGYANG—Following reports that the head-of-state is receiving treatment for a variety of medical conditions, an Amnesty International report released Monday confirmed that the diabetic and gout-ridden dictator Kim Jong-un is still by far the healt...
WASHINGTON—While they acknowledged that getting behind such a plan might take a little convincing, the American populace admitted this week that they could, in all likelihood, be talked into another war.
Citizens across the nation told reporters tha...
EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Following Scotland’s referendum Thursday rejecting independence from the United Kingdom, sources confirmed that a protracted and ugly custody battle over celebrated actor Sir Ian McKellen had been narrowly avoided.
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CHICAGO—Seeking to maximize the potential reach of their latest post, sources confirmed Thursday that the editors of news website The Daily Blotter managed to force the word “millennials”into the article’s headline in order to boost pageviews.
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Volatile India-Pakistan Standoff Enters 11,680th Day