Woman Sets Record For Longest Amount Of Time Spent Talking About Oneself

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Vol 48 Issue 09

Danica Patrick

She's one of sports' single-name stars, but even after her first Daytona 500 start, Danica is more well-known for her endorsements than her performance.

World's Youngest Person Born

Meth addicts demand the government address the nation's growing spider menace, K-Y introduces a new line of jam, and Prince Fielder reports to spring training exactly the right amount overweight.

Washed-Up Air Bud Signs With Greek Pro Team

RHODES, GREECE—Ignoring critics’ calls for the aging golden retriever's retirement, basketball standout and multisport athlete Air "Bud" Buddy has signed a one-year contract for an undisclosed amount with Kolossos Rodou B.C., a mid-l...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

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