A cute couple is on the same anti-depressant, KY introduces a new lien of jam, and the world's youngest person is born. One day somebody ought to take a torch to this whole goddamn place but for now here is the Onion Weekend Review. Thousands of outraged Meth addicts urged the Federal Government this week to address the nation's growing spider epidemic. During a marathon 72-hour meeting under the Roosevelt bridge Monday tweakers from across the nation drafter a 45,000-word proposal to kill all the acid-shooting spiders before they develop the powers of mind control or -God forbid - flight. We can't grow these spiders any longer. The government has to - spider!!!!!! While the gigantic "spider bomb" is not out of the question the addicts have agreed that the best temporary solution would be for the government to issue them large quantities of methamphetamine and steel wool. In Ithaca, New York a local daddy, Howard Lewis, was put in his bye-bye box Tuesday so that he could go on a long vacation with the birds and clouds in the sky. The daddy who was once tall and strong and liked going to the hospital to play with their fun machines was reportedly put in the bye-bye box after weeks of being sleepy all the time and never finishing his din-din. By Tuesday lots of family had come in from all over to watch daddy get dropped inside a cool underground fort full of dirt and sand where he'll be tonight instead of being home to play shoots and ladders. A report by Stanford University researchers released Thursday found that Americans spend 90% of their waking hours staring at glowing rectangles. Researchers identified more than 30 varieties of iridescent rectangles ranging from personal and work rectangles to rectangles that heat food and those that can fit right in one's pocket. From the moment Americans wake up they're captivated by these bright pulsing rectangles. In fact if you look at the data it's hard to find a single minute when the public isn't captivated by these - excuse me - I'm sorry where were we? In local news a run-over squirrel is remembered as frantic and indecisive. And in other news a trail of rose petals leads a wife to a sink full of dishes. Prince Fielder reports to spring training exactly the right amount overweight. And a local yard sale reeks of divorce. If you don't hear the sound of my voice the same time next week alert my family and then visit theonion.com/newsbeat.