Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You've experienced the convenience of the "copy" keyboard shortcut for years now, but it'll really start paying off after you discover the "paste" keyboard shortcut this week.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

You will mistakenly bring your enemies list instead of your grocery list to the supermarket this week, resulting in the purchase of a bottle of Paul Newman's ranch dressing, a box of Uncle Ben's Minute Rice, and artichokes.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

A disastrous pattern error will result this week in a fashionable dress you are finally able to fit into.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Your reputation as a great conversationalist will be challenged this week, when you steer a discussion momentarily outside of the DC/Marvel universes.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

While at first it may have seemed like a pleasant, carefree way to pass the time, you'll be brought to your knees by next week's word jumble.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

It could just be a coincidence, but you're starting to suspect there's more to your local Barnes & Noble's decision to move its Gay/Lesbian section next to its Self-Help section.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You will succeed beyond your wildest expectations this week, when you win a pie-eating contest and then, minutes later, take first place in a pie-vomiting contest.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Long, gray beards have for centuries been linked to wisdom and shrewdness. Sadly, you get yours caught in the fax machine far too often for that to be the case.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Sure, it's disappointing, even heartbreaking, but if you look at it another way, everybody won that child-custody battle.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

What begins as an innocent, civilized debate over who has the sharpest butterfly knife will quickly turn heated this week, ending minutes later in unforeseen tragedy.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You've long known the guys at NASA have a tendency to pull pranks, but you'll still agree to check on a supposedly broken wind tunnel next week.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

After politely refusing to join the mile-high club, the three-quarter-mile-high club, and the half-mile-high club, you will finally acquiesce, and join the 322-feet-high club during next Monday's flight.