Taurus | April 20 to May 20

It's difficult to imagine what life would be like without your family, which is why you'll resort to a series of detailed sketches, diagrams, and plans.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

Coughing up blood is usually a sign of serious illness, but in your case it just means you're drinking it too fast.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Earth and water magicks are strong in Gemini this week. Prepare to lose everything you own in a devastating mudslide.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You'll soon be transformed into a half-man, half-wolf monstrosity—bringing you one step closer to becoming a full-fledged human.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

A wise man once said, "To err is human; to forgive divine." But it's the fact that he charged for the advice that made him shrewd.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You'll lose your childlike innocence this Thursday, and, after pleading guilty to a number of charges, your adult-like innocence as well.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

A healthy relationship is all about compromise, or at least that's what you'll agree to in order to get your partner off your back.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Your amusing hospital jig will make all the patients smile, but that's only because they'll realize that dying of cancer isn't the most dehumanizing thing on earth.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

The stars indicate that you can receive your personalized horoscope reading in Spanish by pressing 3 now.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Maturity is often linked with a greater sense of responsibility, but you'll have to settle for a thick outer skin and deep yellow color.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

They can take away your house, and they can take away your car, but they'll never take away your dignity. Probably because it isn't worth very much.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

While you've always believed in life after death, it's the possibility of life before death you're beginning to wonder about.