Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The important thing is that you tried. Not that you failed. Which you did. Though that's not important. No, the fact that you failed is not important at all.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You'll lean on friends and family members this week, slowly drowning all of them when your boat capsizes.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Love can move mountains and part the seas, but this week it'll be mainly used to terrorize women.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your biggest enemy is yourself. Smash him over the head with a large frying pan when he's not looking.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You'll draw a line in the sand this week, followed by two other lines, a large half-circle and several small curlicues. At this point, people will call you disgusting.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You've always had a funny way of showing affection, which is unfortunate, as your wife's getting pretty tired of all the pies in the face.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
A lump in your left breast will soon confirm what you've long feared: You have breasts now.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Life will sneak up on you when you least expect it this week, knock you unconscious with a baseball bat, and drag your motionless body into a nearby alleyway.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
If only those jerks from high school could see you now. Too bad you're still completely invisible to most of them.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your failure to follow last week's horoscope has resulted in the loss of thousands of innocent lives.