Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Light from the constellation Scorpio has traveled for millions of years through the interstellar void to tell you to begin a new diet this week.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

Like all Aries, you are extremely patient with others. However, if they can't come up with the money soon, kill the twins.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Strange impulses you can neither describe nor explain impel you to take your life savings, drive to Vegas, and put it all on red.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Your stress-management technique of taking long, deep breaths will prove disastrous this week when a riptide drags you underwater.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Fears of being exposed as a fraud will be realized this week when you're revealed to lack the fluid color, strong lines, and playful style of Matisse's trademark works.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

God will appear to you in a dream and tell you that loving you is the part of His job He hates the most.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Years of enduring the constant, numbing pain of existence will end this week when you discover "whiskey," a magical drink that makes your problems disappear.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Sometimes in life, you have to put your fear aside and stand up for what you believe in. Thankfully for you, this isn't one of those times.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You've never much cared for appearances. Still, you're beginning to wonder why everyone else is wearing a HAZMAT suit.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

The little voice inside your head will be powerless to stop the barrage of Q-tips this week.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You will be plunged into despair following your realization that being an Aquarius is the most noteworthy thing about you.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You will experience little this week, except for a mild feeling of paranoia and a niggling awareness of your own insignificance. Expect the next 2,115 weeks to be the same.