Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

While it's true that every man has his price, yours is the only one clearly labeled at the top of that waffle menu.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

Your foot will fall asleep this Thursday, but not before draining a full bottle of whiskey, throwing up in an abandoned parking lot, and repeatedly calling its ex-wife on the phone.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

The ghost of Richard Dean Anderson will soon pay you a visit and spend the entire time insisting he's not dead yet.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

This week be sure to pray to St. Harold, the Patron Saint of Falling Down The Basement Stairs, Shattering Both Your Hips, And Laying Paralyzed Until Someone Gets Home.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Cancer had its latest prediction all set to go, but then it found out about this cool new thing called Twitter, and well…you understand.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

The average human adult has a total of 32 teeth. Look behind the couch, beneath the coffee table, and inside the dryer for the remaining 12 or so.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

The eyes in that painting will seem to follow you around the room, which is quite odd for a Jackson Pollock.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

High-powered telescopes will soon allow scientists to peer back at the very birth of the universe, though it's the steamy and rather forceful conception they're more interested in.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

The good news is that you're dyslexic. The bad news, however, is that you switched the good news and bad news around.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Everyone laughed when you sent your dog to the Canine Academy Of Design, but they won't be laughing this week when he continues to shit all over their lawn.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

A whirlwind romance will sweep you off your feet this week, before destroying your home, smashing your valuables, and dropping you off three states away.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You'll spend your remaining years hooked up to a machine, which is sad, as it's the kind that checks e-mail and sends out texts.