NewsCool Dad Raising Daughter On Media That Will Put Her Entirely Out Of Touch With Her GenerationRENTON, WA—Local man Paul Campbell confirmed Saturday he was raising his daughter Emma on a variety of media carefully selected to help her cultivate an appreciation for artistic quality, a move that will reportedly put the 12-year-old girl…
LocalAsian Guy Successfully Assimilates Into White Culture By Appropriating Black CultureNEW YORK—Saying he had finally completed his years-long struggle for acceptance in the eyes of his fellow citizens, sources reported Tuesday that first-generation Asian American Hoang Ngo, 20, had successfully assimilated into white culture by…
EntertainmentMartin Scorsese Reveals Next Film Will Be Mukbang Of Leonardo DiCaprio Eating 5-Gallon Bucket Of Mac And CheeseNEW YORK—Claiming it would be the artistic culmination of his entire filmmaking career, acclaimed director Martin Scorsese confirmed Monday that his next movie would be a feature-length mukbang of actor Leonardo DiCaprio eating a 5-gallon bucket of…
Breaking NewsGeorge Santos: ‘I Am Just A Little Girl Trapped At The Bottom Of A Well’WASHINGTON—Staring down a likely expulsion from the House of Representatives, Rep. George Santos (R-NY) told reporters “I am just a little girl trapped at the bottom of a well” on Monday. “I was trying to get my beloved dolly Mildred back, but when…
EntertainmentSong Banged Out In Half Hour By Professional Songwriters To Define Teenager’s Personality For Next Two Years
LocalBaby At Age Where It Can Be Left On FloorCORPUS CHRISTI, TX—Going about their usual activities while the infant lay on his back in the middle of the living room carpet, local parents Dan and Heather Franklin confirmed Friday that their baby was at the age where it could totally just be…
OpinionRepublicans Explain Why Ronna McDaniel Should Be OustedAfter losing to Democrats in several key elections, several high-profile Republicans have begun calling for RNC chairwoman Ronna McDaniel to resign. The Onion asked conservative public figures why McDaniel should be ousted from her leadership…
Breaking NewsStudy Finds Young Americans Eschewing Dating Apps In Favor Of Government-Run Breeding Camps
Breaking NewsOnly Sex Education In Country Now Just Pressing Ear To Shared Wall To Hear Noises From Next Door
EntertainmentMartin Scorsese Reveals Next Film Will Be Mukbang Of Leonardo DiCaprio Eating 5-Gallon Bucket Of Mac And Cheese
FootballModern-Day Mother Teresa Waits For Player On Stretcher To Give Thumbs-Up Before Considering Fantasy Implications
FootballFrustrated Robert Kraft Wishes There Were Somewhere He Could Go To Relieve Tension Of Patriots Season
