U.S. Officials Call For Correct Amount Of Violence

WASHINGTON—Addressing the need for swift and moderate change, U.S. officials reportedly called Tuesday for the correct amount of violence. “Like so many of you, I am outraged by the visibility of these senseless acts of hatred and violence,” said…

Things To Never Google After You Commit A Crime

If you’re suspected of a crime, one of the first places the authorities will search is your online history. If you’re under investigation, never google the following things.

Google Employees React To Company Layoffs

After Google recently cut 12,000 jobs, The Onion asked the former employees what they thought about the tech company’s layoffs.

U.S. Blows Itself Up So China Can’t Have It

Michael Jordan Opens Up About Long-Term Effects Of Orange Gatorade Seeping Out Of Head

JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Shedding light on a condition he’s been quietly struggling with since the ’90s, basketball legend Michael Jordan opened up Thursday about the long-term effects of orange Gatorade seeping out of his head. “Back in my playing days,…