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Things Former Twitter Employees Said About Elon Musk That Got Them Fired

Rule No. 1 of working at Twitter? Do not insult the chief twit. Here are things that former employees said about Elon Musk that immediately got them fired.

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Increasingly Unhinged Nate Silver Declares 39 Has 83% Chance Of Being 64

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Cash-Strapped Subway Threatens To Reveal Identities Of Customers Who Eat Subway If They Don’t Pay

MILFORD, CT—Threatening to publicly expose millions of people’s names should no action be taken, Subway officials announced Friday that they would reveal the identities of customers who eat the restaurant’s food if they refused to pay a ransom. “If…

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Chivalrous Predator Opens Trunk For Date

CLEVELAND—Telling the young woman that “her chariot awaits,” local predator Seth Forsyth reportedly opened the trunk for his date Friday in an act of chivalry. “Please, allow me,” Forsyth said with a smile, who offered his incapacitated date his arm…

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Frustrated Man Still On Waitlist To Register As Sex Offender

HILLIARD, FL—Complaining about how slow and cumbersome the entire process had been, frustrated local man Jeff Engers told reporters Thursday he was still on the waitlist to register as a sex offender in his community. “I’ve been trying for weeks to…

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How To Tell Your Mom You’re Not Coming Home For The Holidays

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Onion Sports’ NFL Week 12 Picks

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What Americans Dread The Most About The Holidays

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Thanksgiving Fact: Did You Know?

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Things You Should Never Say To A Flight Attendant

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Things Gen Z Hates About Millennials

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Archaeologists Discover Ancient Femur That Could Make Mouthwatering Broth

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Should Joe Biden Run Again?

As the oldest commander-in-chief in the history of our republic, the current president’s age demands a vigorous discussion to settle the question: Should President Joseph R. Biden run again?

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American Voices

Americans Celebrate Thanksgiving

Today, Americans across the country are gathering to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday. What are you thankful for?

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Family Switches To Artificial LED Turkey For Thanksgiving

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Elon Musk’s Rules Of ‘Insane Productivity’ That Were Sent To All Twitter Employees

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Classic Thanksgiving Dishes Ranked From Best To Worst

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Weapon Added To Each Thanksgiving Place Setting In Preparation For Blowout Family Argument

Cartoons

When Hairy Met Sally

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The Onion Is Giving Away $8.3 Trillion In NFTs

The Onion is graciously saving the entire world’s economy by giving away $8.3 trillion in NFTs. Get these jpegs while you can, because these one-of-kind cryptographic assets are the most valuable digital items ever known.

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Mom Urges Family Members Not To Fight Turkey Again This Year

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Cash-Flush FIFA Executives Note Every World Cup Host Has Had Slaves At One Point

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Police Team-Building Scavenger Hunt Challenges Officers To Arrest Someone From Every Race

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New STEM Program Teaches Students Skills To Appease Whims Of Capricious Tech CEO

CAMBRIDGE, MA—In an effort to improve their readiness for the real world, the Massachusetts Institute of Technology announced Monday the launch of a new STEM program that teaches students skills to appease the whims of a capricious tech CEO. “This…

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Child Walks In On Parents Failing To Reignite Spark In Marriage

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Toddler Demands Full Investigation Into Why That Man Has No Hair

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Priest Never Sure How To Fill Awkward Silence After Last Rites Finished But Before Person Dies

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Landlord Pledges To Address Tenant Infestation

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Democrats Vow To Make Better Effort To Reach Out To Hollywood Elite

LOS ANGELES—Pledging to never again lose focus on their most important constituents, the Democratic National Committee reportedly vowed Tuesday to make a better effort to reach out to the Hollywood elite. “What these elections have told us loud and…

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Republicans Explain Why Ron DeSantis Should Run For President

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Raphael Warnock Loses All Faith In God After Being Forced Into Runoff Against Herschel Walker

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Kamala Harris Loses Benefits After Hours Get Cut At Work

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Biggest Winners And Losers From The Midterm Elections

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Parents Explain How Affirmative Action Has Destroyed Their Children’s Future

With policies to help improve employment or educational opportunities for underrepresented groups coming under fire, The Onion asked parents to explain how affirmative action has destroyed their children’s future.

Roundtable

Do Your Worst To Me, But I’ll Never Tell You Bastards Whether I Think Biden Should Run In 2024

Roundtable

American Presidents Serve 4-Year Terms

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It’s Ageist To Suggest A Corpse Can’t Be A Great Leader

Entertainment

Target Now Offering Snipers To Take Out Other Shoppers For Black Friday

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Little-Known Origins Of Your Favorite Thanksgiving Foods

Image for ‘Help! Fucking Help! There’s Blood And Feces Everywhere And The Doors Won’t Unlock!’ Our Tech Columnist Takes A Sneak-Peek Inside A Self-Driving Tesla

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‘Help! Fucking Help! There’s Blood And Feces Everywhere And The Doors Won’t Unlock!’ Our Tech Columnist Takes A Sneak-Peek Inside A Self-Driving Tesla

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Things Former Twitter Employees Said About Elon Musk That Got Them Fired

Increasingly Unhinged Nate Silver Declares 39 Has 83% Chance Of Being 64

Cash-Strapped Subway Threatens To Reveal Identities Of Customers Who Eat Subway If They Don’t Pay

Chivalrous Predator Opens Trunk For Date

Frustrated Man Still On Waitlist To Register As Sex Offender

How To Tell Your Mom You’re Not Coming Home For The Holidays

Onion Sports’ NFL Week 12 Picks

What Americans Dread The Most About The Holidays

Should Joe Biden Run Again?

Americans Celebrate Thanksgiving

Family Switches To Artificial LED Turkey For Thanksgiving

Elon Musk’s Rules Of ‘Insane Productivity’ That Were Sent To All Twitter Employees

Classic Thanksgiving Dishes Ranked From Best To Worst

Weapon Added To Each Thanksgiving Place Setting In Preparation For Blowout Family Argument

When Hairy Met Sally

The Onion Is Giving Away $8.3 Trillion In NFTs

Mom Urges Family Members Not To Fight Turkey Again This Year

Cash-Flush FIFA Executives Note Every World Cup Host Has Had Slaves At One Point

Police Team-Building Scavenger Hunt Challenges Officers To Arrest Someone From Every Race

New STEM Program Teaches Students Skills To Appease Whims Of Capricious Tech CEO

Child Walks In On Parents Failing To Reignite Spark In Marriage

Toddler Demands Full Investigation Into Why That Man Has No Hair

Priest Never Sure How To Fill Awkward Silence After Last Rites Finished But Before Person Dies

Landlord Pledges To Address Tenant Infestation

Democrats Vow To Make Better Effort To Reach Out To Hollywood Elite

Republicans Explain Why Ron DeSantis Should Run For President

Raphael Warnock Loses All Faith In God After Being Forced Into Runoff Against Herschel Walker

Kamala Harris Loses Benefits After Hours Get Cut At Work

Biggest Winners And Losers From The Midterm Elections

What Elon Musk Told Twitter Employees During His First Company Meeting

Biggest Shortcomings Of Tesla’s Self-Driving Cars

What To Say To Someone Who Lost Money In The Crypto Crash

Things To Never Post On Social Media If You’ve Had An Abortion

Parents Explain How Affirmative Action Has Destroyed Their Children’s Future

Do Your Worst To Me, But I’ll Never Tell You Bastards Whether I Think Biden Should Run In 2024

American Presidents Serve 4-Year Terms

It’s Ageist To Suggest A Corpse Can’t Be A Great Leader

Target Now Offering Snipers To Take Out Other Shoppers For Black Friday

Little-Known Origins Of Your Favorite Thanksgiving Foods

‘Help! Fucking Help! There’s Blood And Feces Everywhere And The Doors Won’t Unlock!’ Our Tech Columnist Takes A Sneak-Peek Inside A Self-Driving Tesla

Thanksgiving Fact: Did You Know?

Onion Sports’ NFL Week 12 Picks

What To Know About The 2022 World Cup

Cash-Flush FIFA Executives Note Every World Cup Host Has Had Slaves At One Point

British World Cup Attendees Accused Of Smuggling Alcohol Into Stadium Through Bloodstreams