Consumer Confidence Sky-High After Every American Begins Vomiting Up Torrents Of Silver DollarsANN ARBOR, MI—The bile-covered coins marking an inflection point in the measure of economic sentiment, a University of Michigan report released Monday found that consumer confidence was sky-high after every U.S. resident began vomiting up torrents…
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LocalPre-K Teacher Dragging Along Group Of 4-Year-Olds Like Prison Warden Leading Chain Gang Through MojaveCHICAGO—Leading the children along their safety rope as if the slightest misstep could result in death or disaster, pre-K teacher Gretchen Silverstone reportedly dragged along a group of 4-year-olds Friday like a prison warden leading a chain…
PoliticsGlowing, Pulsating Hair Product Takes Control Of Gavin Newsom’s ThoughtsSACRAMENTO, CA—As an otherworldly glow emanated from the California governor’s meticulously sculpted coiffure, sources confirmed Friday that the pulsating hair product on Gavin Newsom’s head had taken control of his thoughts. “There will be no bills…
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