BRUSSELS—Saying they were tired of getting jerked around by some “has-been pseudo-monarchy,” fed-up European Union officials rejected the United Kingdom Tuesday and gave the British people 30 days to vacate Europe. “Listen, we’re so goddamn sick of this nonsense—grab your stuff and get the hell out,” said European…
Senator Mitt Romney and Majority Leader Mitch McConnell have sharply criticized GOP Rep. Steve King (R-IA) for comments he made that were sympathetic to white supremacy. What do you think?
Here’s a story about an absolutely disgusting animal that will make you furious: This dog can smell cancer, and he gets really, really happy when he does.
NEW YORK—In a surprise announcement Tuesday, pharmaceutical giant Pfizer revealed that the blockbuster drug Viagra contained absolutely no active ingredients and that, all along, “the real medicine” that had been giving its users erections was confidence. “While many of our customers thought they were taking a PDE5…
SAN ANTONIO—Staring into the distance with his mouth agape and sweat beading on his forehead, NBA referee JB Derosa was reportedly terrified Monday after seeing a depiction of his own death while looking under the replay hood. “JB was under there a while on what seemed like a routine call, then all of a sudden, he…
WEST LONG BRANCH, NJ—Shedding new light on the U.S. populace’s view of current national predicaments, a Monmouth University poll released Tuesday revealed that an increasing number of voters hold the founding fathers responsible for starting America. “As many as 75 percent of voters blame the country’s issues on the…
WASHINGTON—Standing uncharacteristically firm as the partial government shutdown stretched into the 25th day, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer admitted Tuesday that he was honestly pretty amazed he hadn’t caved yet. “Realistically, I thought I’d make it five days max before rolling over and giving them whatever…
After President Trump’s firing of FBI director James Comey, the bureau became so concerned about his behavior that they began investigating whether he was collaborating with Russia, although the findings of the inquiry are unclear. What do you think?
TULSA, OK—Dreading the day new technologies would emerge to render his craft obsolete, Vince Callahan, an autoworker crouched inside a robotic welding arm, told reporters Tuesday that he was terrified a robot would eventually take his job. “This is all I know how to do. If they ever make a robot that can do this job,…
CHICAGO—Stressing that the furniture would be perfect for hosting guests, your mom wanted to know Tuesday whether you could use Grandma’s antique, 12-person dining room table in your studio apartment. “If you want it, we can haul it over the next time I have a doctor’s appointment in the city,” your mother said,…
A new poll from SSRS found that 55 percent of Americans blame President Trump for the shutdown, while 32 percent say the blame rests mostly with the Democrats. What do you think?
LOS ANGELES—Buzzing with anticipation amid rumors surrounding the HBO show’s long-awaited finale, Game of Thrones fans nationwide expressed their excitement Monday after learning that the series would finally be over. “This is awesome. I’ve been looking forward to this ever since season one,” said fan Benjamin…
WASHINGTON—Responding to backlash over controversial remarks in which the congressman lamented that “white nationalist” had become an offensive term, the GOP stripped Steve King (R-IA) of his post Monday on the powerful House Segregation Committee. “Despite Representative King’s long and dutiful history on the House…
WASHINGTON—Saying that the ongoing shutdown, which has lasted nearly a month, had forced him to consider other options for work, furloughed federal employee Elliott Baker confirmed Monday that he had started an online search for a new government. “I like working for the United States, but I’ve got a family to feed and…
WASHINGTON—In an effort to prepare the nominee to speak in front of the Senate, advisors to Donald Trump’s attorney general pick William Barr reportedly instructed him Monday to avoid referring to the president as “my liege” during his confirmation hearing. “Mr. Barr, we recommend you eliminate the phrase ‘His…
NEW YORK—Saying she had no idea the final chords were going to go on as long as they did, local R&B singer Kaila Robinson decided Monday that she might as well just keep moaning into the mic until the end of the song. “Well, I finished all of the words I planned to sing and we still have 30 seconds on the track,…
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