The Onion | America's Finest News Source.

America's Finest News Source.

America's Finest News Source.

Image for Drinks That Bartenders Hate The Most And Why

Drinks That Bartenders Hate The Most And Why

Image for How New Olympic Sports Are Chosen

How New Olympic Sports Are Chosen

Image for ‘Arthur’ Cancelled After 25 Seasons

‘Arthur’ Cancelled After 25 Seasons

Image for Testes Flights

Editorial Cartoon: ‘Testes Flights’

Image for Olympians Describe Their Biggest Heartbreaks At The Games

Olympians Describe Their Biggest Heartbreaks At The Games

“My silver medal turned my neck all green.”

Image for Bad News Gamers: Kirby Has Been Expelled From The Garden Of Eden After Inhaling Fruit From The Tree Of Knowledge

Bad News Gamers: Kirby Has Been Expelled From The Garden Of Eden After Inhaling Fruit From The Tree Of Knowledge

CDC Director Alarmed After Googling ‘Covid Cases’ For First Time in Weeks

Bored Vaccination Worker Spends Afternoon With No Patients Stabbing Syringe Between Fingers

HUNTSVILLE, AL—In an effort to make it through a long day with nothing to do, bored vaccination worker Ray Gately told reporters Thursday he had spent an afternoon with no patients stabbing a syringe back and forth between his splayed-out fingers.…

‘Jungle Cruise’ Hailed As Thrilling Reminder To Cancel Disney+

NEW YORK—Saying the film “couldn’t have been released at a better time,” critics reportedly hailed Jungle Cruise Thursday as a thrilling reminder to cancel Disney+. “Action and adventure aficionados will love Jungle Cruise, the movie guaranteed to…

Image for Music Festival Attendee Loves The High You Get From Mixing Ecstasy With Heatstroke

Music Festival Attendee Loves The High You Get From Mixing Ecstasy With Heatstroke

Image for Scarlett Johansson Sues Disney For Breach Of Contract That Guaranteed ‘Black Widow’ Would Never Be Released

Scarlett Johansson Sues Disney For Breach Of Contract That Guaranteed ‘Black Widow’ Would Never Be Released

Image for Conservatives Blast Simone Biles For Robbing Them Of Opportunity To Criticize Her Win

Conservatives Blast Simone Biles For Robbing Them Of Opportunity To Criticize Her Win

More

Image for Cade Cunningham Unmotivated After Zero Teams Pass On Him In NBA Draft

Cade Cunningham Unmotivated After Zero Teams Pass On Him In NBA Draft

Image for Recently Divorced Man Understands Working Through Emotions Might Take 2 To 3 Days

Recently Divorced Man Understands Working Through Emotions Might Take 2 To 3 Days

Image for NFL Warns Unvaccinated Players Will Face Consequences For Domestic Violence Charges

NFL Warns Unvaccinated Players Will Face Consequences For Domestic Violence Charges

Image for Great News, ‘God Of War’ Fans! A New Expansion Pack Will Allow Kratos To Teach Atreus How To Wash The Area Beneath His Foreskin

Great News, ‘God Of War’ Fans! A New Expansion Pack Will Allow Kratos To Teach Atreus How To Wash The Area Beneath His Foreskin

Politics

Image for Nervous Biden Rushes Past Intimidating Circle Of Senators Smoking Weed On Capitol Steps

Nervous Biden Rushes Past Intimidating Circle Of Senators Smoking Weed On Capitol Steps

WASHINGTON—Clutching his briefcase and keeping his eyes averted as he approached, President Joe Biden rushed past an intimidating circle of senators smoking weed on the Capitol steps, sources confirmed Friday. “Excuse me, folks, just trying to get…

Image for Bat-Wielding Jim Jordan Bursts Through Capitol Window Demanding To Be Allowed Onto January 6 Committee

Bat-Wielding Jim Jordan Bursts Through Capitol Window Demanding To Be Allowed Onto January 6 Committee

Image for Rosalynn Carter Scatters Peanut Shells Onto Bed To Prepare For Sensuous Date Night

Rosalynn Carter Scatters Peanut Shells Onto Bed To Prepare For Sensuous Date Night

Image for Republicans Worried Blind Worship Of Trump Overriding Traditional Values Like Blind Worship Of Reagan

Republicans Worried Blind Worship Of Trump Overriding Traditional Values Like Blind Worship Of Reagan

Image for A Timeline Of U.S.–Haiti Relations

A Timeline Of U.S.–Haiti Relations

Local

Image for ‘Well, Why Did I Get Vaccinated Then?’ Screams Burning Woman After Realizing She Can Still Catch Fire

‘Well, Why Did I Get Vaccinated Then?’ Screams Burning Woman After Realizing She Can Still Catch Fire

YAKIMA, WA—Indignant over her continued ability to burn, visibly angry local woman Maria Williams, who is currently ablaze, asked aloud Tuesday why she even bothered to get a Covid-19 vaccine if it turned out she could still catch fire. “There’s no…

Image for Man Can Already See Difference In Body After Just One Week Of Starting To Decompose

Man Can Already See Difference In Body After Just One Week Of Starting To Decompose

Image for Broad-Shouldered Man Could Carry 7, No, 9 Whole Parrots

Broad-Shouldered Man Could Carry 7, No, 9 Whole Parrots

Image for Improv Theater’s Corporate Workshops Help Employees Realize Things Could Always Be Worse

Improv Theater’s Corporate Workshops Help Employees Realize Things Could Always Be Worse

Image for Woman Can Always Tell Period Coming By Way Doors Slam Shut, Lights Flicker

Woman Can Always Tell Period Coming By Way Doors Slam Shut, Lights Flicker

In Case You Missed It

Image for Signs Your Significant Other Might Be Cheating On You

Signs Your Significant Other Might Be Cheating On You

Image for Actors Describe Their Most Dangerous Action Movie Stunts

Actors Describe Their Most Dangerous Action Movie Stunts

Image for Shocking Things No One Told You About Childbirth

Shocking Things No One Told You About Childbirth

Image for Richest Billionaires In The World And How They Avoid Paying Taxes

Richest Billionaires In The World And How They Avoid Paying Taxes

Image for Bad News Gamers: Kirby Has Been Expelled From The Garden Of Eden After Inhaling Fruit From The Tree Of Knowledge

Bad News Gamers: Kirby Has Been Expelled From The Garden Of Eden After Inhaling Fruit From The Tree Of Knowledge

Image for Great News, ‘God Of War’ Fans! A New Expansion Pack Will Allow Kratos To Teach Atreus How To Wash The Area Beneath His Foreskin

Great News, ‘God Of War’ Fans! A New Expansion Pack Will Allow Kratos To Teach Atreus How To Wash The Area Beneath His Foreskin

Image for Disgusting: This Gamer Isn’t Even Washing His Controller After Each Button Press

Disgusting: This Gamer Isn’t Even Washing His Controller After Each Button Press

Image for At Long Last: Tetsuya Nomura Has Finally Revealed That Braising Is The Best Method For Cooking A Chocobo

At Long Last: Tetsuya Nomura Has Finally Revealed That Braising Is The Best Method For Cooking A Chocobo

Videos

Image for Spice Girls’ Career Turns 25

Spice Girls’ Career Turns 25

Image for MTV Turns 40

MTV Turns 40

Image for 5 Things To Know About The Child Tax Credit

5 Things To Know About The Child Tax Credit

Image for Key Members Of The House January 6 Committee

Key Members Of The House January 6 Committee

Entertainment

Image for Scarlett Johansson Sues Disney For Breach Of Contract That Guaranteed ‘Black Widow’ Would Never Be Released

Scarlett Johansson Sues Disney For Breach Of Contract That Guaranteed ‘Black Widow’ Would Never Be Released

Image for MTV Turns 40

MTV Turns 40

Image for ‘Jungle Cruise’ Hailed As Thrilling Reminder To Cancel Disney+

‘Jungle Cruise’ Hailed As Thrilling Reminder To Cancel Disney+

Image for DaBaby Apologizes For Leaving Jews Out Of Offensive Rant

DaBaby Apologizes For Leaving Jews Out Of Offensive Rant

Sports

Image for Olympians Describe Their Biggest Heartbreaks At The Games

Olympians Describe Their Biggest Heartbreaks At The Games

Image for Frightened Olympic Divers Still Unable To Desynchronize Movements Days After Event

Frightened Olympic Divers Still Unable To Desynchronize Movements Days After Event

Image for Cade Cunningham Unmotivated After Zero Teams Pass On Him In NBA Draft

Cade Cunningham Unmotivated After Zero Teams Pass On Him In NBA Draft

Image for Olympians Explain How They Trained During The Pandemic

Olympians Explain How They Trained During The Pandemic

Opinion

American Voices

QR Codes Replace Traditional Menus

Image for ‘Arthur’ Cancelled After 25 Seasons

American Voices

‘Arthur’ Cancelled After 25 Seasons

Image for China Building New Silos For Nuclear Missiles

American Voices

China Building New Silos For Nuclear Missiles

Image for Kevin Durant Forms Burner Country To Compete In Tokyo Olympics

American Voices

Kevin Durant Forms Burner Country To Compete In Tokyo Olympics