The TopicalThe Topical: Defensive Chicago Police Officer Perfectly Capable Of Disappearing Protestors Without Help From Homeland Security
NewsMinneapolis Announces Plan To Replace Police Officers With Thousands Of Heavily Armed Social WorkersMINNEAPOLIS—In an effort to regain the community’s trust and better allocate city resources, Mayor Jacob Frey announced Thursday that Minneapolis would dismantle its current police force and replace it with a new bureau of heavily armed social…
News in BriefU.S. Officials Hurt Saudi Arabia Would Try To Develop Nuclear Weapon Rather Than Asking Nicely For OneWASHINGTON—Expressing a sense of betrayal over the Middle Eastern country not coming to them first, U.S. officials told reporters Thursday they were hurt that Saudi Arabia would try to develop its own nuclear weapon rather than just asking nicely…
News in BriefD.C. Journalists In Awe Of Australian Reporter Able To Speak To Trump Without Succumbing To His Raw Animal MagnetismWASHINGTON—Still dumbfounded by an interview in which Australian reporter Jonathan Swan repeatedly challenged the president on his misleading statements about the coronavirus pandemic, D.C. journalists confirmed Wednesday that they were in awe of…
News in BriefHerbalife Launches Sampler Kit Into Deep Space To Share Once-In-A-Lifetime Business Opportunity With Alien CivilizationsLOS ANGELES—Emphasizing that, for a limited time only, there would be no minimum purchases required for new team members, global multilevel marketing corporation Herbalife successfully launched a product sampler kit into deep space Wednesday to…
NewsGamers, Please Give Us A Minute, We’re On The Phone With Ganondorf And It Sounds Like His Dad Was Hospitalized
News in BriefEllen: ‘I Never Intended To Make Staff Feel Unsafe By Wearing A Bloodied Ram Skull And Stalking Them With A Hatchet’
News in BriefDesperate Trump Campaign Strategists Wondering How Much Mileage They Can Get Out Of Americans’ Fear Of DentistsWASHINGTON—In response to declining poll numbers in the 2020 presidential race, increasingly desperate Trump campaign strategists reportedly wondered Wednesday how much mileage they could get out of Americans’ fear of dentists. “We’re repositioning…
News in BriefTrump Administration Plants 137,000 Corpses In Fauci’s Bed To Frame Him For Coronavirus Deaths
News in BriefD.C. Journalists In Awe Of Australian Reporter Able To Speak To Trump Without Succumbing To His Raw Animal Magnetism
The TopicalDefensive Chicago Police Officer Perfectly Capable Of Disappearing Protestors Without Help From Homeland Security
The TopicalFinancial Experts Recommend Americans Set Aside Giant Mesmerizing Pearl To Rub Obsessively In Retirement
News in BriefCold, Distant Boyfriend Finally Opens Up About How Horny He IsLOUISVILLE, KY—Breaking from his usual detachment and allowing himself to freely discuss his heightened level of sexual arousal, cold and distant local boyfriend Andy Bokelman finally opened up to his girlfriend Tuesday about just how horny he was.…
NewsDeal Alert: Kill This Man With Your Bare Hands And We Will Give You A Copy Of ‘Brute Force’ For Xbox
NewsWhoopsies: The Vatican Has Ruled That Nintendo Committed A Venial Sin After Imbuing Lifeless Paper Products With The Soul Of Mario
News in BriefEllen: ‘I Never Intended To Make Staff Feel Unsafe By Wearing A Bloodied Ram Skull And Stalking Them With A Hatchet’
News In PhotosKanye Forced To Sleep In Separate Hyperbaric Chamber After Kim Kicks Him Out Of Geodesic Dome
