OpinionChildren React To Loosened Child Labor LawsSeveral states have recently introduced bills to eliminate age verification for young workers. The Onion asked several children how they felt about loosened child labor restrictions, and this is what they said.
Breaking NewsClearblue Introduces New At-Home Test That Tells You If You’re BeautifulGENEVA—Promising the fastest and most accurate results in the market, Swiss Precision Diagnostics introduced a new at-home Clearblue test Tuesday that tells users if they’re beautiful. “There’s nothing worse than uncertainty, but with the all-new…
LocalWoman Gives Friend A Call On Way Home To Take Mind Off Dangerous Road ConditionsDICKINSON, ND—Needing a release from the current drama going on around her, local woman Amber Westmoore told reporters Tuesday that she was going to give her friend a call on the way home to take her mind off the dangerous road conditions. “The low…
LocalNeighbors Shocked To Hear Quiet, Unassuming AR-15 Went On Killing RampageLADLEY, SC—Reeling in the wake of a shooting that left three dead and eight wounded, neighbors were reportedly shocked Friday after a seemingly quiet, unassuming AR-15 went on a killing rampage. “It just doesn’t make any sense—that semiautomatic was…
SlideshowConservatives Explain What They Will Do If Trump Is ProsecutedThe Onion asked conservatives what they would do if Donald Trump is prosecuted.
PoliticsCongress Rules Food Stamps Can Only Be Used On RutabagasWASHINGTON—In an effort to prevent needless eating among those in poverty, Congress passed legislation Monday that makes it illegal to use food stamps on anything other than rutabagas. “After much tense negotiation, we have settled on providing SNAP…
LocalStarbucks CEO Clearly Just Coming To Company Headquarters To Use BathroomSEATTLE—Calling his motivations “beyond transparent,” sources at Starbucks headquarters confirmed Wednesday that CEO Howard Schultz was clearly only coming into the building to use the bathroom. “He clogged the toilet, stuffed some sugar packets…
Breaking NewsConservative Historian Claims Diversity Ultimately Doomed Third ReichNEW YORK—Bemoaning “woke culture” for infecting the empire and ultimately leading to its untimely demise, conservative historian Antony Reed told reporters Thursday that diversity was what ultimately doomed the Third Reich. “Sadly, had Hitler and…
PoliticsFast-Talking Biden Upsells Australian Prime Minister 2 Extra Nuclear Subs But He Has To Sign Today
Breaking NewsTech Moguls React To The Silicon Valley Bank CollapseThe collapse of Silicon Valley Bank is the largest failure of a financial institution since Washington Mutual went under in 2008. The Onion asked tech moguls how they felt about the bank’s failure, and this is what they said.
OpinionConservatives Defend Their Anti-Trans BigotryFollowing the recent increase in hateful rhetoric towards transgender people, The Onion asked conservatives to defend their anti-trans bigotry and this is what they said.
Now playing 00:50TikTokNeighborhood Slowly Realizing Person Who Threw Up On Sidewalk Not Returning To Clean It Up
BasketballObama Reveals His NCAA Tournament Bracket Winner Is ‘Song Of Solomon’ By Toni MorrisonWASHINGTON—In a social media post sharing his predictions, former President Barack Obama revealed Friday that the winner he had picked for his NCAA basketball tournament bracket was Song Of Solomon by Toni Morrison. “March Madness is here, and this…
