EntertainmentTaylor Swift Fans Explain How They Got Tickets To The Eras TourWhile over 14 million people attempted to buy Taylor Swift tickets, only 2.4 million were actually sold. The Onion asked Swifties how they managed to snag tickets to the Eras Tour, and this is what they said.
LocalEpstein Island Housekeeping Staff Starting To Wonder If Anybody Coming BackLITTLE ST. JAMES, U.S. VIRGIN ISLANDS—Questioning whether all their upkeep efforts might be going to waste, the housekeeping staff of deceased sex offender Jeffrey Epstein reportedly started to wonder Thursday if anyone was coming back. “We’ve been…
LocalMan Pulled Aside At Airport For Having Burning Twin Towers In SuitcaseAUSTIN, TX—Forced to undergo extra security checks by officers from the Transportation Security Administration, local man Ron Hoyt was reportedly pulled aside at the airport Friday when an X-ray scanner revealed the burning Twin Towers in his…
Breaking NewsMore Ethical Mouse Trap Convicts Rodents Of Capital Offense Before Sending Them To Electric Chair
SlideshowConservatives Explain What They Will Do If Trump Is ProsecutedThe Onion asked conservatives what they would do if Donald Trump is prosecuted.
SportsParents Waiting To See Son’s Test Scores Before Prohibiting Him From Playing FootballMARBLEHEAD, MA—Amid growing concerns about the sport’s potential effects on child brain development, local parents Jim and Angela Garza told reporters Friday that they were waiting to see their son’s test scores before prohibiting him from playing…
Breaking NewsHistorian Finds First Italian Immigrant Boarded Boat To U.S. By Accident While Chasing Someone With Wooden Spoon
Breaking NewsEducation Secretary’s Mom Forced To Stay Up All Night Devising Plan To Combat Student Debt
LocalAnnotations In Used Copy Of ‘Autobiography Of Malcolm X’ Make It Painfully Obvious That Previous Owner Was WhiteCHICAGO—With dumbfounded question marks and astounded exclamation points littering the margins of almost every page, the handwritten annotations found Wednesday in a secondhand copy of The Autobiography Of Malcolm X made it painfully obvious that…
PoliticsGovernment Subsidies Awarded To Any CEO Who Says ‘Climate’WASHINGTON—As part of a $1 trillion clean energy plan to make executives say the word climate more, President Joe Biden announced Wednesday that the federal government would be awarding subsidies to any CEO who says the word climate. “Simply say…
PoliticsThoughtful Letter On How To Improve Legislative Process Undercut By Poison Included In Envelope
PoliticsFast-Talking Biden Upsells Australian Prime Minister 2 Extra Nuclear Subs But He Has To Sign Today
Breaking NewsCould You Pass The Mental Competency Test For Politicians Over 75?Presidential candidate Nikki Haley recently suggested that all elected officials over the age of 75 should have to pass a mental competency test in order to hold office. Could you pass it?
OpinionPoliticians Explain Why They Oppose Free School Lunch ProgramsDespite the popularity of universal free school lunch amongst Americans, many members of Congress are against the initiative. The Onion asked politicians to explain why they oppose free school lunch, and this is what they said.
SportsParents Waiting To See Son’s Test Scores Before Prohibiting Him From Playing FootballMARBLEHEAD, MA—Amid growing concerns about the sport’s potential effects on child brain development, local parents Jim and Angela Garza told reporters Friday that they were waiting to see their son’s test scores before prohibiting him from playing…
