Ted Cruz Attempts To Connect With Voters By Wearing More Handsome Man’s Face As Mask

DALLAS—In an effort to make himself more appealing to voters, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) reportedly tried to connect with the audience at a candidate forum Tuesday by wearing the bloody, skinned face of a far more handsome man as a mask. “People are really responding to this new, dapper Ted Cruz,” said campaign manager Jeff…

Woman Longs For Day When First Female President Can Have Tell-All Book Written About Disgusting Vagina

SKOKIE, IL—Wistfully imagining a future she hopes is not too far away, area woman Margaret Bridgemeyer told reporters Tuesday she yearns for the day when the first female president of the United States will have a tell-all book written about her that contains explicit descriptions of her repulsive vagina. “I have to…

White House Increases Number Of Asylum Seekers Allowed To Enter Spike-Filled Refugee Compactor

WASHINGTON—In a stark reversal of earlier immigration policy, President Donald Trump announced Tuesday that his administration was increasing the number of asylum seekers allowed to enter the United States’ spike-filled refugee compactor. “We feel strongly that 15 million people fleeing abuses in their own countries…

Emotional Le’Veon Bell Reveals Holdout A Result Of Forgetting How To Run

PITTSBURGH—Breaking down while discussing the horrible condition behind his absence, an emotional Le’Veon Bell revealed to reporters Tuesday that his ongoing holdout was a result of forgetting how to run. “People are attacking me, saying this is about greed or ego, but the truth is I’ve completely blanked on how to…

Video Game Character Stares Impotently At Forbidden Realm Beyond Impassable Waist-High Bush

JOHTO—Cruelly tantalized by the dream of life in the green and plentiful land just beyond his reach, video game character Ethan spent countless processor cycles Tuesday staring impotently at the forbidden realm stretching out beyond the line of impassable waist-high bushes at his feet. “All my powers, all my…

Fraternity Brothers Make Note Not To Kill Pledge Whose Family Has Lake House

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—Carefully establishing a reminder lest they lose themselves in a moment of exuberance, fraternity brothers at the University of Virgina’s Sigma Chi chapter made a note Tuesday not to kill a member of their new pledge class during the intense hazing process, as his family happens to own a commodious…

Kavanaugh Sweating Bullets After Betting Life Savings On Being Confirmed To Supreme Court

WASHINGTON—Following Christine Blasey Ford’s accusation that he sexually assaulted her at a high school party, sources close to Brett M. Kavanaugh told reporters Monday that the nominee was “sweating bullets” due to betting his entire life savings on his confirmation to the Supreme Court. “Oh, shit, it was a sure…

Senate Republicans Seek To Delay Kavanaugh Vote Until Accuser Properly Smeared

WASHINGTON—In the wake of the release of a letter implicating the Supreme Court nominee in a sexual assault, Senate Republicans told reporters Monday that they would seek to delay a vote on Brett Kavanaugh’s confirmation until his accuser, Christine Blasey Ford, was properly smeared. “Given the significance of this…

Koch Brothers Furious Kavanaugh Never Disclosed That Nation Might Care About Sexual Abuse

WICHITA, KS—Expressing their displeasure that the Supreme Court nominee had failed to warn them about a factor that could harm his candidacy, the Koch brothers were reportedly furious Monday that Brett Kavanaugh never disclosed that the nation might care about sexual abuse. “When we agreed to spend millions of dollars…