SlideshowWhat We Know About Elon Musk’s Neuralink Human TrialsElon Musk announced that he expects to start human trials of the Neuralink brain chip. Here’s what The Onion knows about this project.
News In BriefNew Square Feature Allows Customers To Tip With Bible QuoteSAN FRANCISCO—Updating the payment system to make sermonizing to service workers more efficient, a new Square feature released Tuesday allows customers to tip with Bible quotes. “We are proud to announce that the tipping experience is now more…
News In BriefBisexual Superman Ruins Comic For Fan Who Preferred Smoldering Homoerotic UndertonesSANTA CRUZ, CA—Lamenting that the iconic hero’s good run had come to an end, local man Eugene Edgars told reporters Tuesday that DC’s recent announcement of Superman’s bisexuality had completely ruined the comics for him as he preferred the…
News In BriefHorrified Anti-Vaxxer Discovers Every American Who Got Smallpox Vaccine In 19th Century Now DeadLYNCHBURG, VA—Astounded by the damning information, local anti-vaxxer Pete Dixon was reportedly horrified Thursday after discovering that every single American who got a smallpox vaccine in the 19th century was now deceased. “We’re expected to…
NewsEmployee Offering Suggestion At Meeting Slowly Grows Quieter And Quieter Until Eventually Squeaking ‘I Don’t Know’
SlideshowBanned Users React To Elon Musk Allowing Them Back On TwitterAlmighty Twitter overlord Elon Musk has begun granting amnesty to accounts banned from the platform before his purchase of the company. Here are what some of those users are saying about their prospective return to Twitter.
LocalMan Deftly Downplays His Neighborhood To Coworker Thinking Of Moving ThereBOSTON—Thinking quickly to devise a list of reasons why the area was not an ideal choice, local billing clerk Tim Connors, 33, managed to skillfully downplay the desirability of his neighborhood to a coworker who expressed an interest in potentially…
News In BriefBiden Signs Legislation To Avert Crisis Of Treating Rail Workers Like HumansWASHINGTON—Praising the last-minute agreement to deny the laborers any sort of civility or respect, President Joe Biden signed legislation Friday to avert a crisis in which rail workers might have been treated like actual human beings. “We were only…
News In BriefRight-Wingers Criticize Kanye For Not Using Platform To Raise Awareness Of Lesser-Known Nazis
News In BriefEric Adams Resumes Placing Mentally Ill People Into Audience Of ‘The Tonight Show’ Against Their Will
SlideshowCEOs Explain Why Their Brands Stopped Advertising On Elon Musk’s TwitterAt least 50 of Twitter’s top 100 advertisers have left the platform since Elon Musk bought the social media site. The Onion asked prominent CEOs why their brands are no longer advertising on Twitter, and here’s what they said.
SlideshowParents Explain How Affirmative Action Has Destroyed Their Children’s FutureWith policies to help improve employment or educational opportunities for underrepresented groups coming under fire, The Onion asked parents to explain how affirmative action has destroyed their children’s future.
RoundtableDo Your Worst To Me, But I’ll Never Tell You Bastards Whether I Think Biden Should Run In 2024
MagazineIt’s Women Of Color Visibility Month! And Even If It Isn’t, It Should Be, And Let’s Be Real, Are You Gonna Try To Argue It’s Not? Because, Honestly, It Might Not Be—But If That’s Something You Want To Push Back On, Be Our Guest, Buddy, Go Ahead And See How Dying On That Hill Works Out For You
FootballJerry Jones Blasts Media For Trying To Make Segregation Look BadDALLAS—Following revelations of his appearance in a 1957 photograph among a mob of white students trying to block a Black student from entering an Arkansas high school, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones blasted the media Monday for trying to make…
News In BriefNew World Cup Fan Frantically Searching Online For Any Information He Can Find On Country Of ‘United States’
