Fox News Apologizes For Mistaking Patti LaBelle For Aretha Franklin
NBCU Readying Streaming Service That Pays Viewers To Watch It
NBCUniversal plans to launch a streaming service that will incentivize viewers to watch shows with redeemable points and gift certificates. What do you think?
MoviePass Attempts To Increase Profitability By No Longer Mailing Out Free $500 A Month To Subscribers
NEW YORK—Admitting that this week’s devastating quarterly earnings report necessitated tough decisions on the part of the company, MoviePass CEO Mitch Lowe announced plans Thursday to increase profitability by no longer mailing out $500 checks to subscribers every month. “While this decision is sure to be unpopular…
Trump Locked Out Of White House After Accidentally Revoking Own Security Clearance
WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly flustered while impotently pounding on the front door and pleading to come inside, President Trump was reportedly locked out of the White House Thursday after accidentally revoking his own security clearance. “C’mon, just open the door, guys! I didn’t mean to strip myself of access to…
Report: Someone Robbed That KFC Again
MARSHFIELD, MO—In what the community believes to be something like the fifth such incident since the location’s grand opening in 2011, south side Marshfield sources reported Thursday that someone has robbed that one KFC yet again. “Yeah, that place is always getting robbed. I wouldn’t go in there if I were you—place…
Aloha! ClickHole’s Treasure Is On Vacation In Hawaii
You might have noticed that ClickHole’s treasure is gone, but have no fear. Our precious gold and jewels have not been stolen. You’ll be happy to know that ClickHole’s glorious treasure is enjoying a weeklong vacation in beautiful Hawaii.
Methadone Clinic Must Be Having Some Sort Of Big Party
NEW YORK—Calling the atmosphere on the sidewalk across the street “positively electric,” sources confirmed Thursday that the local methadone clinic must be having some sort of big party. “Man, it’s only 3 p.m. and there’s already a line around the block,” said Bruce Riley, 32, adding that the party must have been…
Star Wars News Net Joins Hundreds Of Publications In Condemning Trump’s Attacks On The Press
NEW YORK—Heeding the call of the Boston Globe to come together in the defense of journalistic integrity, Star Wars News Net joined hundreds of publications Thursday in condemning President Donald Trump’s attacks on the press. “The president could not be more wrong when he calls the free press an enemy of the people,…
Jason Momoa Reveals He Spent Months Becoming Useless Dumbass To Get Into Character For ‘Aquaman’
LOS ANGELES—Describing his character-oriented method acting process for the first time, Jason Momoa revealed Thursday how he prepared to play Aquaman by spending more than six months living as a useless dumbass. “It was, surprisingly, a lot of hard work being such an ineffective dipshit 24/7,” said Momoa, 39, adding…
Fantasy Novel Not Holding Back On Criticisms Of Dwarvish Culture
FORSYTH, IL—Characterizing the reclusive subterranean race of diminutive miners right off the bat as “possessed of a fiery demeanor most unpleasant” from its opening pages, fantasy novel The Mage’s Shadow was not holding back on its criticisms of dwarvish culture in the least, readers confirmed Thursday. “For a whole…
5 Favorite Skinny TV Lady Who Love To EAT
They do pizza, they do french fries, they do movies! Here are five favorite skinny TV lady who love to EAT!
NOAA Lowers Warnings For Atlantic Hurricane Season
Due to the burgeoning El Niño, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration has forecasted a quieter-than-usual Atlantic hurricane season. What do you think?
NASA Scientists Make Life-Changing Discovery But You Kind Of Had To Be There
WASHINGTON—Admitting that a second-hand retelling would not do their findings justice, NASA scientists confirmed Thursday that they had made a life-changing discovery, but you kind of had to be there. “These results revolutionize our very understanding of subatomic particles—man, I wish I could even explain, however,…
North, South Korea Agree To Summit In Pyongyang
The leaders of North and South Korea have agreed to a summit in Pyongyang this September, the third such meeting this year. What do you think?
Chris Columbus Admits There Are Hours Of ‘Home Alone 2’ Outtakes Featuring Trump Saying Racial Slurs
SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Recounting the unexpected difficulties the future president’s brief cameo brought to his film shoot, Home Alone 2: Lost In New York director Chris Columbus admitted Wednesday that he has hours of outtakes featuring Donald Trump uttering racial slurs. “We thought it would be a fun little 30-second…
