Weak-Willed Intellectual Infant Checks To See How Many More Pages Left In Book Chapter
Super Bowl Set For Rams-Patriots
For the third year running, the New England Patriots will go to the Super Bowl—this time to face off against the Los Angeles Rams. What do you think?
Giuliani: ‘Let’s Just Start Everything Over’
WASHINGTON—In an effort to walk back contradictory and potentially incriminating remarks from a recent interview, Rudy Giuliani, personal attorney to President Donald Trump, requested Tuesday that the press “just forget everything and let’s start everything over.” “Let’s just call everything before this moment a…
Kamala Harris Enters 2020 Race
Kamala Harris, the California senator and former attorney general, announced plans for a 2020 run, emphasizing justice and equality as she entered the Democratic presidential field. What do you think?
Weird Kid Opts To Sit Perfectly Still, Let Universe Decide His Fate After Teacher Instructs Class To Pair Up
LAUREL, MD—Telling himself the wisest course of action was to avoid all eye contact and let the chips fall where they may, weird kid Jason Butler opted Tuesday to sit perfectly still and let the universe determine his destiny after his chemistry teacher instructed students to select a partner for their next…
Viral Video Sparks National Debate Around Drumming In Public
WASHINGTON—Depicting a standoff between Catholic high school students, a group of Black Hebrew Israelites, and a Native American elder, a viral video from the March for Life last Friday has sparked a national debate over the ethics of drumming in public. “Those on one side of the argument say there is inherent value…
Kamala Harris Assembles Campaign Staff Of Unpaid California Prison Laborers
WASHINGTON—On the heels of yesterday’s announcement that she would be running for president, Sen. Kamala Harris (D-CA) reportedly began staffing her campaign Tuesday with unpaid inmates from California correctional facilities. “I’m so grateful to have such an incredible and devoted team headed up by my new campaign…
Chuck Grassley Voted Against MLK Day Due To Foreseeing How Everyone Would Dishonor King’s Memory
WASHINGTON—Saying he reached the decision in order to protect everything the civil rights icon represented, Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-IA) confirmed Tuesday that his 1983 vote against making Martin Luther King Jr. Day a national holiday was cast after anticipating that the country would sanitize and dishonor the leader’s…
Man Regrets Wasting Money On College After Failing To Secure Perfect Dream Life By 24
NEW YORK—Noting that his four years at Fordham University hadn’t even led to a 3,000-square-foot penthouse apartment on the Upper East Side yet, local 24-year-old Alex Michaelson, who still hasn’t achieved his dream life, told reporters Tuesday he regrets wasting money on a college education. “What’s the point of…
Trump Approval Plunges Amidst Shutdown
As the government shutdown extends to the longest in history, a new NPR/PBS/Marist poll found Trump’s approval down to 39 percent, a seven-point net change in the past month. What do you think?
Dan Savage Disgusted By Letter From Perverted Reader Contemplating Oral Sex
SEATTLE—Calling it the most debauched correspondence that had ever been submitted to “Savage Love,” advice columnist Dan Savage was disgusted Monday by a letter from a perverted reader contemplating oral sex. “Over the course of my 20-plus years writing this column, I’ve helped people with some pretty heinous…
Man Beginning To Worry That Best Meals Already Behind Him
CHICAGO—Lamenting that his glory days of college cafeterias, burger joints, and taco trucks are now shrinking in life’s rear-view mirror, sales associate Alan Thompson, 29, was reportedly beginning to worry Monday that his best meals might already be behind him. “When I think about all my entrées to come, I can’t help…
Queen Elizabeth Watches As Oxen Pull Apart Farmer Who Failed To Provide Yearly Tithe Of Grain
LONDON—Demonstrating in no uncertain terms that any peasant who sought to shirk his or her duty would be summarily dealt with, Queen Elizabeth looked on dispassionately Friday as a team of four oxen, yoked in pairs, were strapped to the outstretched limbs of a farmer who had failed to provide the Crown with his yearly…
Nation Celebrates MLK Day
Today, Americans will celebrate Martin Luther King Jr.’s birthday to commemorate his life and historic contributions to the Civil Rights Movement. What do you think?
Doctor Weirded Out By Patient She Just Met Providing Every Lurid Detail Of Medical History
PHILADELPHIA—Entering her examination room to find a woman describing in detail how she had once spent several hours coughing up blood, general practitioner Anika Korman described her state of mind as “completely weirded out” Monday when patient Catherine Moritz evidently decided to provide every lurid detail of her…
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