Woodstock 50 Announces Lineup
The 50th anniversary concert of Woodstock announced its lineup this week, including headliners The Killers, Dead & Company, and Jay-Z as taking part in a commemoration of the historic ’60s concert. What do you think?
Serta Wholesaler Lets Customers Cut Their Own Length Of Mattress
HOFFMAN ESTATES, IL—In an effort to eliminate the middleman and sell directly to the public, a new Serta wholesaler that opened Friday reportedly allows customers to select and cut their own lengths of mattresses. “I like that I have the flexibility to get just the amount I want instead of being confined to the…
Study Reveals That Girls Who Play Princess Grow Up With Skewed Perceptions Of The Role Of Modern Monarchy In A Democratic Society
NEW YORK—Shedding new light on the environmental factors influencing women’s views of royal privilege and responsibility, a study released Friday by New York University’s Department of Psychology found that the majority of girls who play princess develop skewed and possibly unrealistic perceptions of the role of the…
Myspace Loses All Content From Before 2016
Due to an alleged server error, social network Myspace has lost millions of photos, videos, and songs published on the website before 2016. What do you think?
MTA Unveils New Designated Seating For Commuters Who Look Like They’re About To Snap
NEW YORK—In a move touted as a major victory for the rights of New Yorker public transportation passengers who are this close to fucking losing it, the Metropolitan Transit Authority unveiled a new designated seating system Friday designed to accommodate commuters who seem to be just about to snap. “For too many…
Zion Williamson In Panic After Realizing Game Falls On Same Night As Theater Club Production
COLUMBIA, SC—Frantically pacing and weighing the fallout of skipping the game, Duke forward Zion Williamson was panicking Friday after realizing his NCAA tournament game against North Dakota State falls on the same night as his theater club’s production of In The Heights. “Oh man, oh man, I can’t believe this is…
Pros And Cons Of Breaking Up The Big Tech Companies
A recent proposal by Democratic presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren to break up big tech companies like Apple, Google, and Amazon has revived debate over whether they have too much power. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of breaking up the big tech companies.
Trump Backs Release Of Mueller Report
While fielding questions from journalists, President Trump stated that he looks forward to the release of the investigation into the 2016 election, saying, “Let it come out. Let people see it—that’s up to the attorney general.” What do you think?Â
Trump Ramps Up Attacks On John McCain By Dragging Senator’s Exhumed Corpse Behind Motorcade
WASHINGTON—Doubling down on his criticism of the departed lawmaker in the face of bipartisan condemnation, President Trump ramped up his attacks Thursday against the late John McCain by exhuming the senator’s corpse and dragging it behind his presidential motorcade. “I’m having some trouble understanding the strategy…
Experts Caution New Car Loses 90% Of Value As Soon As You Drive It Off Cliff
HEATHROW, FL—Warning consumers of the hidden pitfalls of vehicle depreciation, experts from the American Automobile Association cautioned Thursday that the average new car loses 90 percent of the original sticker price as soon as you drive it off a cliff. “It’s important buyers be aware that when they purchase a…
Coachella Unveils Premium VIP Areas Where Fans Will Be Able To See, Hear Bands
INDIO, CA—Touting the tickets as offering the best experience for fans of the music festival, Coachella organizers on Thursday reportedly unveiled premium VIP areas where fans will be able to see and hear the bands. “For just $1,299, our special VIP passes give festival attendees parking, admission to the campground,…
None Of Mom’s Clothes Can Be Cleaned Using Washing Machine
MEQUON, WI—Taken aback by their mother’s high-maintenance wardrobe, household sources confirmed Thursday that none of Bianca Dern’s clothes can be simply placed in a standard washing machine for cleaning. “Mom won’t even let me touch any of her laundry. I’ve tried to help out, but everything needs to be washed…
Arctic Locked In To Warm 9 Degrees By End Of Century
A United Nations report revealed that even if carbon pollution stopped tomorrow, the region’s winters would warm by 9 degrees Fahrenheit by 2100. What do you think?
Beto O’Rourke Smashes Records With $6.1 Million In Fundraising
Democratic hopeful Beto O’Rourke raised a record-breaking $6.1 million in the first day of his 2020 run, his campaign announced this week. What do you think?
Devin Nunes Threatens Defamation Lawsuit After Reputation Ruined By His Official Twitter Account
WASHINGTON—Vowing to fight tooth and nail against what he called “an insidious smear campaign,” Rep. Devin Nunes (R-CA) announced Wednesday he was considering filing a defamation lawsuit against his official Twitter account for ruining his reputation. “The figure behind @DevinNunes has disparaged my good name in what…
Biden Pulls Off Dusty Tarp Covering Old Campaign Motorcycle
WASHINGTON—Saying it was time to “get out the hog for one last ride,” former Vice President Joe Biden pulled the dusty painter’s tarp off of his old campaign motorcycle Wednesday, gently running his hand along the polished chrome headlight and muttering “welcome back, baby.”
Son Needs Costume, 30 Individually Wrapped Treats Tomorrow Morning For Some School Celebration
ATHENS, OH—Confessing that he was completely blindsided by the request, parent Erik Schaff said Wednesday that his son Cody, 8, needed a full-body costume and 30 individually wrapped treats by tomorrow morning for some sort of school celebration. “Cody just handed me a note saying that the third grade is holding an…
Pros And Cons Of Canceling Student Loan Debt
Student loan debt in the United States has risen to $1.5 trillion owed by tens of millions of people, leading to calls for it to be wiped out, although opponents are concerned about the economic and ethical consequences. The Onion evaluates the pros and cons of canceling student loan debt.
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