The Onion | America's Finest News Source.

Discontinued Girl Scout Cookies

5 Things To Know About ‘Allen V. Farrow’

Elon Musk Unveils New XL Flamethrower

Editorial Cartoon: ‘Non Protest March’

News in Brief

Boyfriend Upset About Something American Government Did In 1970s

CLEVELAND—As he paced around the apartment muttering about the military-industrial complex and nefarious Cold War policy initiatives, sources confirmed Wednesday that local boyfriend Kyle Palmer was upset about something the U.S. government did in…

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Oprah Interviews Meghan Markle, Prince Harry: What To Expect

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Obama Claims Hulu Execs Killed In Drone Strike Represented Direct Threat To Netflix’s Interests

WASHINGTON—Defending the deadly action as an unfortunate necessity, Barack Obama held a press conference Friday to announce that the Hulu executives targeted in a recent drone strike represented an imminent threat to Netflix’s interests. “As you…

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Cuomo Expresses Deep Regret That Grandma Didn’t Have The Balls To Tough It Out

ALBANY, NY—Choking back tears while addressing the crowd of clamoring reporters, New York governor Andrew Cuomo expressed deep regret Friday that grandma didn’t have the balls to tough it out. “From the bottom of my heart, let me just say to the…

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Report: If It Weren’t For Covid, You’d Be On A Carousel Right Now

NEW YORK—According to a new report issued Tuesday by the United Nations Development Programme, were it not for the Covid-19 pandemic, you would be enjoying a pleasant, carefree ride on a carousel right now. “We found irrefutable evidence that in a…

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Disney Announces Next Movie Will Feature Princess With Never-Before-Seen Ethnicity

Illustration for Principled Stand: Pedro Pascal Has Walked Off HBO’s ‘The Last Of Us’ After Realizing It’s Not The Kind Of Game That Involves Collecting Orbs

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Principled Stand: Pedro Pascal Has Walked Off HBO’s ‘The Last Of Us’ After Realizing It’s Not The Kind Of Game That Involves Collecting Orbs

News in Brief

Matt Damon Lowers Cameo Fee To $15 In Hopes Of Getting More Hits

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TikTok Assures Users Worried About Myanmar That They’re Aggressively Monetizing The Situation

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Heroic Conservative Risks Own Life To Hide Mr. Potato Heads In Attic

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Publisher Assures Readers They Can Still Make Dr. Seuss As Racist As They Want With Power Of Imagination

Slideshow

Interior Decorating Tricks To Make Your Tiny Apartment Look Brown

Politics

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Biden Comforts Families Of Syrian Airstrike Victims With Eloquent Speech On Living With Heartbreaking Loss

WASHINGTON—Acting in his unofficial role as “consoler-in-chief,” President Joe Biden took some time Friday to comfort the families of those lost in yesterday’s airstrike with an eloquent speech on the challenges of living with heartbreaking loss.…

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Parliamentarian Cuts Minimum Wage From Stimulus Due To Obscure Rule Requiring Poor Citizens To Needlessly Suffer

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Joe Manchin Claims West Virginians Too Deficient In Character, Grit To Deserve $15 Minimum Wage

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Goals Of Biden Administration Reviewing U.S. Supply Chains

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Florida GOP Introduces Ballotless Voting In Disenfranchised Communities

The Topical

Papa John’s Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce

The Topical

Scientists Warn Americans To Stay Away From That Bird

The Topical

Nation’s Arborists Once Again Urge Congress To Lower The Age Of Consent For Trees

Local

News in Brief

Democrat Reassures Friend This One Of The Good Syrian Airstrikes

CHICAGO—Following a report Friday that Joe Biden’s first military action as president had killed at least 22 people at sites used by Iranian-backed fighters, local registered Democrat Tim Randall was overheard reassuring a friend that this was one…

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No-Nonsense Negotiator Strong-Arms Landlord Into Fixing Toilet For Rent Increase

News In Photos

New Gym Member Already Seeing Positive Coronavirus Test Results

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Mom Moves In For Kill After Spotting Child’s Shirt Tag Sticking Out

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Bridesmaid Ruins Entire Universal Studios Toon Lagoon Bachelorette Party By Hooking Up With Dudley Do-Right

Slideshows

Slideshow

Gaming Win: This Pro Gamer Did Something Terrible And Everyone Is Sweeping It Under The Rug Like He’s A Real Celebrity

Illustration for Jesus Fucking Christ: Mario And Yoshi Used A Warp Block At The Same Time And Emerged Onto The Mario Party Board As A Horrifying, Fused Monstrosity

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Jesus Christ: Mario And Yoshi Used A Warp Block At The Same Time And Emerged Onto The Mario Party Board As A Horrifying, Fused Monstrosity

Illustration for Biggest Games Of Winter 2021

Slideshow

Discontinued Girl Scout Cookies

5 Things To Know About ‘Allen V. Farrow’

Elon Musk Unveils New XL Flamethrower

Editorial Cartoon: ‘Non Protest March’

Boyfriend Upset About Something American Government Did In 1970s

Oprah Interviews Meghan Markle, Prince Harry: What To Expect

Obama Claims Hulu Execs Killed In Drone Strike Represented Direct Threat To Netflix’s Interests

Cuomo Expresses Deep Regret That Grandma Didn’t Have The Balls To Tough It Out

Report: If It Weren’t For Covid, You’d Be On A Carousel Right Now

Disney Announces Next Movie Will Feature Princess With Never-Before-Seen Ethnicity

Principled Stand: Pedro Pascal Has Walked Off HBO’s ‘The Last Of Us’ After Realizing It’s Not The Kind Of Game That Involves Collecting Orbs

Matt Damon Lowers Cameo Fee To $15 In Hopes Of Getting More Hits

TikTok Assures Users Worried About Myanmar That They’re Aggressively Monetizing The Situation

Heroic Conservative Risks Own Life To Hide Mr. Potato Heads In Attic

Publisher Assures Readers They Can Still Make Dr. Seuss As Racist As They Want With Power Of Imagination

Interior Decorating Tricks To Make Your Tiny Apartment Look Brown

Biden Comforts Families Of Syrian Airstrike Victims With Eloquent Speech On Living With Heartbreaking Loss

Parliamentarian Cuts Minimum Wage From Stimulus Due To Obscure Rule Requiring Poor Citizens To Needlessly Suffer

Joe Manchin Claims West Virginians Too Deficient In Character, Grit To Deserve $15 Minimum Wage

Goals Of Biden Administration Reviewing U.S. Supply Chains

Florida GOP Introduces Ballotless Voting In Disenfranchised Communities

Papa John’s Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce

Scientists Warn Americans To Stay Away From That Bird

Nation’s Arborists Once Again Urge Congress To Lower The Age Of Consent For Trees

Democrat Reassures Friend This One Of The Good Syrian Airstrikes

No-Nonsense Negotiator Strong-Arms Landlord Into Fixing Toilet For Rent Increase

New Gym Member Already Seeing Positive Coronavirus Test Results

Mom Moves In For Kill After Spotting Child’s Shirt Tag Sticking Out

Bridesmaid Ruins Entire Universal Studios Toon Lagoon Bachelorette Party By Hooking Up With Dudley Do-Right

Discontinued Girl Scout Cookies

Interior Decorating Tricks To Make Your Tiny Apartment Look Brown

Inspirational Mugs Your Therapist Doesn’t Want You To See

State-By-State Covid-19 Restrictions

Gaming Win: This Pro Gamer Did Something Terrible And Everyone Is Sweeping It Under The Rug Like He’s A Real Celebrity

Jesus Christ: Mario And Yoshi Used A Warp Block At The Same Time And Emerged Onto The Mario Party Board As A Horrifying, Fused Monstrosity

Biggest Games Of Winter 2021

Bad News For Gamers: OGN Has Learned Ocarinas Are Real And They Goddamn Suck

MapQuest Turns 25

5 Things To Know About Trump’s Second Impeachment Trial

NASDAQ Turns 50

How To Prevent Future Pandemics

Matt Damon Lowers Cameo Fee To $15 In Hopes Of Getting More Hits

Obama Claims Hulu Execs Killed In Drone Strike Represented Direct Threat To Netflix’s Interests

Disney Announces Next Movie Will Feature Princess With Never-Before-Seen Ethnicity

Kings Of Leon To Release New Album As NFT After Vinyl Physically Rejects Attempted Pressing

James Harden Pump Fakes Under 4 Dummies During NBA All-Star Drawing-Fouls Challenge

Doctors Reassure Tiger Woods That You Don’t Have To Be In Good Physical Condition To Play Golf

Hockey Hall Of Fame Debuts Interactive Exhibit Letting Fans Play With Game-Used Teeth

The Biggest Snubs From The 2021 NBA All-Star Game

National Guard May Deploy Up To 20,000 Troops To DC For Biden Inauguration

Bill Belichick Declines Medal Of Freedom From Trump

‘Sex And The City’ Reboot Will Not Include Kim Cattrall

Hallmark Asks Senators Hawley And Marshall To Return Political Donations