News In BriefFate Of Christmas Uncertain After Eric Adams Institutionalizes Real SantaNEW YORK—Raising fears that the yuletide would not be made gay, New York Mayor Eric Adams reportedly institutionalized the real Santa Claus on Monday, leaving the fate of Christmas uncertain. Under the new directive from the mayor’s office, Father…
News In BriefBiden Signs Legislation To Avert Crisis Of Treating Rail Workers Like HumansWASHINGTON—Praising the last-minute agreement to deny the laborers any sort of civility or respect, President Joe Biden signed legislation Friday to avert a crisis in which rail workers might have been treated like actual human beings. “We were only…
News In BriefFull-Faced Black Hood™ Drops Kanye West As Celebrity SpokespersonNEW YORK—In response to the rapper’s recent antisemitic comments during his appearance on conspiracy theorist Alex Jones’ Infowars show, head-covering company Full-Faced Black Hood™ announced Friday it had ended its partnership with Ye, formerly…
LocalMan Deftly Downplays His Neighborhood To Coworker Thinking Of Moving ThereBOSTON—Thinking quickly to devise a list of reasons why the area was not an ideal choice, local billing clerk Tim Connors, 33, managed to skillfully downplay the desirability of his neighborhood to a coworker who expressed an interest in potentially…
SlideshowThings To Never Say To Someone Who Is Scared Of FlyingIf you know someone who is for some reason afraid to sit for several hours in a thin metal tube traveling 35,000 feet above the ground, try to avoid saying these things.
News In BriefNew Tesla ‘Memories’ Feature Displays Pictures From Driver’s Life On Dashboard Before Car Explodes
News In BriefMan Afraid To Get Tattoo In Case He Feels Differently About His Children In 10 YearsWATERLOO, IA—Stating that “you never know what could happen down the road,” local man James Kenney told reporters Wednesday that he was afraid to get a tattoo of his children’s names in case he felt different about them in 10 years. “It’s easy to…
News In BriefCouple Struggling To Get Pregnant Taking It As Sign That They Should Keep Trying Until Relationship Implodes
News In BriefRight-Wingers Criticize Kanye For Not Using Platform To Raise Awareness Of Lesser-Known Nazis‘Why Not Teach Kids About Heinrich Himmler Or Otto Skorzeny Instead?’ Suggest Far-Right Commentators
News In BriefEric Adams Resumes Placing Mentally Ill People Into Audience Of ‘The Tonight Show’ Against Their Will
SlideshowThings Former Twitter Employees Said About Elon Musk That Got Them FiredRule No. 1 of working at Twitter? Do not insult the chief twit. Here are things that former employees said about Elon Musk that immediately got them fired.
SlideshowParents Explain How Affirmative Action Has Destroyed Their Children’s FutureWith policies to help improve employment or educational opportunities for underrepresented groups coming under fire, The Onion asked parents to explain how affirmative action has destroyed their children’s future.
RoundtableDo Your Worst To Me, But I’ll Never Tell You Bastards Whether I Think Biden Should Run In 2024
MagazineIt’s Women Of Color Visibility Month! And Even If It Isn’t, It Should Be, And Let’s Be Real, Are You Gonna Try To Argue It’s Not? Because, Honestly, It Might Not Be—But If That’s Something You Want To Push Back On, Be Our Guest, Buddy, Go Ahead And See How Dying On That Hill Works Out For You
FootballJerry Jones Blasts Media For Trying To Make Segregation Look BadDALLAS—Following revelations of his appearance in a 1957 photograph among a mob of white students trying to block a Black student from entering an Arkansas high school, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones blasted the media Monday for trying to make…
News In BriefNew World Cup Fan Frantically Searching Online For Any Information He Can Find On Country Of ‘United States’
