HOUSTON—Furious after once more failing to receive enough votes for induction into the National Baseball Hall of Fame, seven-time Cy Young winner Roger Clemens reportedly went off on a reckless performance-enhancing-drug bender Wednesday. “As soon as I found out I wasn’t getting in, I started hitting the HGH pretty…
There will be hundreds of scripted and unscripted shows airing in 2019 as the television boom continues, making anything you watch that you don’t absolutely love a complete waste of your precious time. The Onion takes a look at 2019’s most hotly anticipated TV shows.
KANSAS CITY, MO—After a biopsy determined a tumor removed from his kidney was benign, local 28-year-old Andrew Keller was reportedly reassured by doctors Wednesday that he still had quite a few years of staring at his smartphone ahead of him. “Good news: The tests came back completely negative, which means you’ll be…
The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences unveiled its nominations for the 91st annual Oscars with nods to The Favourite and Roma alongside nods for Black Panther and A Star Is Born. What do you think?
BETHESDA, MD—In a groundbreaking new study on the effects of stressful everyday events on the addiction patterns of average Americans, the National Institutes of Health found this week that upwards of 30 percent of those who quit smoking will relapse by raising a cigarette to their lips with trembling fingers as they…
OMAHA, NE—Saying she’d “psyched herself out” during the last few story times at her local library, area puppet Phoebe the Pig admitted to reporters Wednesday that due to nerves, she had no idea what to do with her hands. “The minute I got out there in front of the kids, I felt uncomfortable. It was like my arms were…
MAPLEWOOD, MN—Presenting a romanticized snapshot of regional biodiversity, a local nature preserve reportedly set highly unrealistic expectations Monday with a visitor center full of taxidermied animals. “Whoa, a beaver, a timber wolf, and a pack of bobcats just chilling on a rock,” said first-time visitor Stephanie…
For the third year running, the New England Patriots will go to the Super Bowl—this time to face off against the Los Angeles Rams. What do you think?
WASHINGTON—In an effort to walk back contradictory and potentially incriminating remarks from a recent interview, Rudy Giuliani, personal attorney to President Donald Trump, requested Tuesday that the press “just forget everything and let’s start everything over.” “Let’s just call everything before this moment a…
Kamala Harris, the California senator and former attorney general, announced plans for a 2020 run, emphasizing justice and equality as she entered the Democratic presidential field. What do you think?
LAUREL, MD—Telling himself the wisest course of action was to avoid all eye contact and let the chips fall where they may, weird kid Jason Butler opted Tuesday to sit perfectly still and let the universe determine his destiny after his chemistry teacher instructed students to select a partner for their next…
WASHINGTON—Depicting a standoff between Catholic high school students, a group of Black Hebrew Israelites, and a Native American elder, a viral video from the March for Life last Friday has sparked a national debate over the ethics of drumming in public. “Those on one side of the argument say there is inherent value…
WASHINGTON—On the heels of yesterday’s announcement that she would be running for president, Sen. Kamala Harris (D-CA) reportedly began staffing her campaign Tuesday with unpaid inmates from California correctional facilities. “I’m so grateful to have such an incredible and devoted team headed up by my new campaign…
WASHINGTON—Saying he reached the decision in order to protect everything the civil rights icon represented, Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-IA) confirmed Tuesday that his 1983 vote against making Martin Luther King Jr. Day a national holiday was cast after anticipating that the country would sanitize and dishonor the leader’s…
NEW YORK—Noting that his four years at Fordham University hadn’t even led to a 3,000-square-foot penthouse apartment on the Upper East Side yet, local 24-year-old Alex Michaelson, who still hasn’t achieved his dream life, told reporters Tuesday he regrets wasting money on a college education. “What’s the point of…
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