The Onion | America's Finest News Source.

Illustration for Ornithologists Attribute Owls’ Nocturnal Lifestyle To Hard Cocaine Habit

The Topical

The Topical: Ornithologists Attribute Owls’ Nocturnal Lifestyle To Hard Cocaine Habit

Slideshow

Most Anticipated Games Of The Fall

News In Photos

Ginsburg Clerks Wheel Filing Cabinets Into Capitol As Per Late Justice’s Request To Finish Some Work Before Burial

News in Brief

NASA Scientists Confirm Earth Dating The Moon

News in Brief

Bill Barr Declares Ipswich Middle School Anarchist Jurisdiction After Finding ‘Circle-A’ Symbol Drawn On Notebook Cover

IPSWICH, MA—In an effort to restore the rule of law, Attorney General Bill Barr declared Ipswich Middle School an anarchist jurisdiction Friday after finding a circle-A symbol scrawled on a notebook cover. “We’ve discovered verifiable evidence that t…

News in Brief

Tom Perez Warns He Will Detonate Explosive Vest At Midnight Unless Democrats Meet Fundraising Goal

News in Brief

Reporter Presses Biden On Lack Of Own Plan To Trigger Widespread Violence

WASHINGTON—Questioning the former vice president’s preparedness for the nation’s highest office, CNN reporter Jim Acosta pressed presidential candidate Joe Biden Friday on his lack of a plan to trigger widespread violence across the U.S. “Sir, we…

News in Brief

Fox News Slams Democrats For Repeatedly Attempting To Undermine Confidence In Autocratic System

WASHINGTON—Declaring that the party’s rhetoric around the upcoming election was way out of line, Fox News pundits slammed Democrats Friday for repeatedly attempting to undermine confidence in the nation’s autocratic system. “Anyone questioning what…

News in Brief

‘I Can’t Wait For Things To Get Back To Normal,’ Says Woman Spending Friday Night Dining With Friends In Crowded Indoor Restaurant

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Feeling overtaxed from all the ways the Covid-19 pandemic had impacted her life, local 34-year-old Anne Theisen reportedly said “I can’t wait for things to get back to normal” Friday night while dining with her friends in a crowded…

News in Brief

Undecided Voter Silently Crouching Inside Drain Pipe As Convoy Of Political Analysts Passes Overhead

News In Photos

A Glorious Coincidence! We Were Going To Write This Glowing Review of Visible Well Before They Paid Us To

Politics

News in Brief

New Patriotic 1776 Commission Struggling To Find Ways To Improve Upon Education System’s Existing Propaganda

WASHINGTON—Frantically scouring textbooks to find sections in need of revision, members of President Donald Trump’s new patriotic 1776 Commission struggled Wednesday to find ways to improve upon the education system’s existing propaganda. “We cut…

Slideshow

The Onion Looks Back At The Life And Legacy Of Ruth Bader Ginsburg

News in Brief

Biden Campaigns Door-To-Door In JPMorgan Chase Headquarters

News In Photos

Ginsburg Clerks Wheel Filing Cabinets Into Capitol As Per Late Justice’s Request To Finish Some Work Before Burial

News in Brief

Xi Jinping Jails Chinese Tycoon For Failing To Use Sandwich Method Of Constructive Criticism When Condemning Him

The Topical

Ornithologists Attribute Owls’ Nocturnal Lifestyle To Hard Cocaine Habit

The Topical

Real Estate Experts Confirm Having George Clooney Living In Attic Greatly Increases Property Value

The Topical

Napkin Industry Under Fire For History Of Holding Greasy Slobs To Impossible Beauty Standards

Local

News in Brief

Father Reminds Child He Should Never Ever Handle Gun Unless He’s Super Bored

JASPER, IN—Stressing the firearm was for “emergencies only,” local father Kenny Webb reminded his son Nolan that he should never ever handle his gun unless he’s super bored, household sources confirmed Tuesday. “Let me be clear: This gun is not a…

News in Brief

Smoke Alarm Sick Of Being Yelled At For Doing Its Job

News in Brief

Calf Annoyed By Mother Always Giving Guilt Trip About How Vet Had To Stick Chain Up Vagina To Pull Her Out

News In Photos

‘Then The Pandemic Hit And We Decided It Was Too Scary To Break Up’ Conclude Heartfelt Wedding Vows In 2022

News in Brief

Girlfriend Doing Something With Leaves From Outside

Slideshows

Slideshow

What To Read While Social Distancing

Slideshow

10 Breathtaking Photos That Perfectly Capture The Unwavering Spirit Of Scissors

Slideshow

How To Stay Connected To Others During Social Distancing

Slideshow

11 Simple Cocktail Recipes To Try While Quarantining

Illustration for Major Letdown: It Looks Like The Witch Who Hexed Us To Be Infertile Until There Are 20 Main Series ‘Zelda’ Games Considers The New ‘Breath Of The Wild’ Prequel To Be A Spinoff

News

Major Letdown: It Looks Like The Witch Who Hexed Us To Be Infertile Until There Are 20 Main Series ‘Zelda’ Games Considers The New ‘Breath Of The Wild’ Prequel To Be A Spinoff

Illustration for Console Wars: Sony Undercuts Xbox’s $500 Price By Printing Counterfeit Bills To Cause Hyperinflation And Make The American Dollar Worthless

News

Console Wars: Sony Undercuts Xbox’s $500 Price By Printing Counterfeit Bills To Cause Hyperinflation And Make The American Dollar Worthless

Illustration for Gamers, We Should Be Thrilled To Share These New PS5 Images With You, But In Reality We’ve Been Dreading It Because Sometimes You Guys Are Fucking Mean

News

Gamers, We Should Be Thrilled To Share These New PS5 Images With You, But In Reality We’ve Been Dreading It Because Sometimes You Guys Are Fucking Mean

News

The Topical: Ornithologists Attribute Owls’ Nocturnal Lifestyle To Hard Cocaine Habit

Most Anticipated Games Of The Fall

Ginsburg Clerks Wheel Filing Cabinets Into Capitol As Per Late Justice’s Request To Finish Some Work Before Burial

NASA Scientists Confirm Earth Dating The Moon

Bill Barr Declares Ipswich Middle School Anarchist Jurisdiction After Finding ‘Circle-A’ Symbol Drawn On Notebook Cover

Tom Perez Warns He Will Detonate Explosive Vest At Midnight Unless Democrats Meet Fundraising Goal

Reporter Presses Biden On Lack Of Own Plan To Trigger Widespread Violence

Fox News Slams Democrats For Repeatedly Attempting To Undermine Confidence In Autocratic System

‘I Can’t Wait For Things To Get Back To Normal,’ Says Woman Spending Friday Night Dining With Friends In Crowded Indoor Restaurant

Undecided Voter Silently Crouching Inside Drain Pipe As Convoy Of Political Analysts Passes Overhead

Police Department Reformed To Look More Like Community It Terrorizes

Trump Pledges To Call For Violence Regardless Of Election’s Outcome

The Onion’s Guide To Streaming Services

Hiker Wandering Through Oregon Forest Enjoying Vibrant Reds And Golds Of Fall

Father Reminds Child He Should Never Ever Handle Gun Unless He’s Super Bored

A Glorious Coincidence! We Were Going To Write This Glowing Review of Visible Well Before They Paid Us To

New Patriotic 1776 Commission Struggling To Find Ways To Improve Upon Education System’s Existing Propaganda

The Onion Looks Back At The Life And Legacy Of Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Biden Campaigns Door-To-Door In JPMorgan Chase Headquarters

Ginsburg Clerks Wheel Filing Cabinets Into Capitol As Per Late Justice’s Request To Finish Some Work Before Burial

Xi Jinping Jails Chinese Tycoon For Failing To Use Sandwich Method Of Constructive Criticism When Condemning Him

Ornithologists Attribute Owls’ Nocturnal Lifestyle To Hard Cocaine Habit

Real Estate Experts Confirm Having George Clooney Living In Attic Greatly Increases Property Value

Napkin Industry Under Fire For History Of Holding Greasy Slobs To Impossible Beauty Standards

Father Reminds Child He Should Never Ever Handle Gun Unless He’s Super Bored

Smoke Alarm Sick Of Being Yelled At For Doing Its Job

Calf Annoyed By Mother Always Giving Guilt Trip About How Vet Had To Stick Chain Up Vagina To Pull Her Out

‘Then The Pandemic Hit And We Decided It Was Too Scary To Break Up’ Conclude Heartfelt Wedding Vows In 2022

Girlfriend Doing Something With Leaves From Outside

What To Read While Social Distancing

10 Breathtaking Photos That Perfectly Capture The Unwavering Spirit Of Scissors

How To Stay Connected To Others During Social Distancing

11 Simple Cocktail Recipes To Try While Quarantining

Major Letdown: It Looks Like The Witch Who Hexed Us To Be Infertile Until There Are 20 Main Series ‘Zelda’ Games Considers The New ‘Breath Of The Wild’ Prequel To Be A Spinoff

Console Wars: Sony Undercuts Xbox’s $500 Price By Printing Counterfeit Bills To Cause Hyperinflation And Make The American Dollar Worthless

Gamers, We Should Be Thrilled To Share These New PS5 Images With You, But In Reality We’ve Been Dreading It Because Sometimes You Guys Are Fucking Mean

Bad News: Toad Died

5 Things To Know About The California Wildfires

Movie Remakes That Are Better Than The Original

5 Things To Know About ‘Lovecraft Country’

eBay Turns 25

The Onion’s Guide To Streaming Services

Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 22, 2020

Conservative Conspiracy Theorist Outraged After Stumbling Upon Entire Netflix Section Dedicated To Kids

Exasperated Plumber Explains To Kanye West Why Flushing Awards Bad For Toilet

Fantasy Football Week 3: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em

Rob Manfred Confident MLB Doing Enough To Market Stars Like Mike Trout And The Japanese Guy

Fantasy Football Opponent Proposing Trade Either Total Dumbass Or Knows Something You Don’t

Terry Francona’s Face Shield Splattered With Chew Spit

Epic Games, Spotify, Match Group Band Together To Fight Apple’s App Store Policies

Russia Arrests Cult Leader ‘Jesus Of Siberia’

California To Ban Sales Of New Gas-Powered Cars By 2035

Rare Books Stolen In Heist Found Under House In Romania