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Americans Explain Why They Want Trump To Run Again

After an FBI raid on Donald Trump’s residence at Mar-A-Lago, many are questioning whether the 45th president of the United States should run again for office. The Onion asked everyday Americans what they thought, and this is what they said.

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Doctor Not Sure How To Break News To Patient That He Born In America

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Startling Evidence Finds Pentagon Failed To Stop Pakistani Wedding Despite Prior Knowledge

WASHINGTON—Calling into question the Defense Department’s tactical readiness, startling evidence released Friday revealed that the Pentagon failed to stop a Pakistani wedding despite prior knowledge that it would occur. “It’s deeply troubling to…

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Department Of Transportation Reduces Commute Times By Adding Highway Nitro Strips

WASHINGTON—Saying the infrastructure project would significantly cut drive times nationwide, the Department of Transportation announced plans Friday to reduce commutes by adding highway nitro strips. “These booster strips will help everyday…

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Hungover Astronaut Wakes Up In Bed With No Idea How He Made It Back To Earth

ATLANTA—Nursing a headache as he tried to piece together where he parked his shuttle, hungover astronaut James Caudry woke up in bed Friday with no idea how he made it back to Earth. “Ugh, the last thing I remember, I was reconnecting a satellite…

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CEOs Warn Against The Dangers Of Artificial Intelligence

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FBI Turns Over Mar-A-Lago Documents To Dork Agent Who Loves Reading

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Vomit-Covered Man Who Shit His Pants Hopes He Didn’t Blow First Date

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This Elon Musk Deepfake Cannot Be Real

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EPA Closes Down After Running Out Of Salvageable Environment To Protect

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Parent Fact: Did You Know?

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Statue Reacts To Chicken Reacting To Fried Chicken Tutorial

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The Onion Reviews 'When Harry Met Sally'

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Conservatives React To The Mar-A-Lago Raid

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Landmark Climate Bill Incinerated By Historic Heatwave Before Biden Can Sign It

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‘Mamma Mia!’ ‘Buongiorno!’ ‘Buca Di Beppo’: Cubans Respond To The Casting Of James Franco As Fidel Castro

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Everything You Need To Know About 'Game Of Thrones: House Of Targaryen'

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Astronaut Clearly Only Selected For Mission Because He’s Related To Moon

WASHINGTON—Implying that he likely wouldn’t have earned the spot without a healthy dose of nepotism, NASA crew members told reporters Wednesday that astronaut Joseph Mesic was clearly only selected for their mission because he was related to the…

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Police Did Great Job, Police Say

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Grandpa Now More Open-Minded About Immigrants From Poland In 1890s

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Diner Menu Suggests They’re Open To Trying Anything Customer Wants To Do To An Egg

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Man On Deathbed Wishes He Spent More Time Going To TheOnion.com

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Trump Boys Thrilled FBI Seized Documents, Leaving Dozens Of Empty Boxes To Play In

PALM BEACH, FL—Clambering into the cardboard containers with delight the moment after agents had vacated the property, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. were reportedly thrilled Monday when the FBI seized classified documents from Mar-a-Lago and left…