News In BriefJames Corden Breaks Silence On Restaurant Controversy: ‘I Like To Find Stray Dogs And Suffocate Them To Death’NEW YORK—Addressing an accusation that he was “the most abusive customer” at New York restaurant Balthazar, Late Late Show host James Corden finally broke his silence Friday to confirm that he enjoys finding stray dogs and choking them until they…
News In BriefPentagon Warns Chinese Landmass Could Break Off And Zoom Across The Ocean To Get UsARLINGTON, VA—Stating that America’s top rival on the global stage now had the ability to carry out such an attack, Pentagon officials warned this week that the entirety of China’s landmass could break off and zoom across the ocean to get us.…
News In BriefAmazon Unveils New AmazonBasics Human InfantSEATTLE—Pleased to share the latest item in their abundant lineup of private label essentials, Amazon unveiled a new AmazonBasics human infant, sources confirmed Friday. “As our offering of AmazonBasics products continues to expand, we are proud to…
News In BriefNetflix Gains 2 Million Subscribers By Making Characters In Shows Subscribe To NetflixLOS GATOS, CA—In a major reversal of its long-declining numbers, streaming service Netflix released a quarterly report Thursday showing it had gained over 2 million subscribers by making the characters in its shows subscribe to Netflix. “The…
News In PhotosFlight Attendant Reminds Passengers To Secure Own Michael Myers Mask Before Helping Child
SlideshowThings To Never Say To Someone Who Owns A TeslaUnless you’d like to get run over by a rich, angry tech bro with a chip on their shoulder, you might want to tread lightly when asking a Tesla driver about their car. Here are things you should never say to someone who owns a Tesla.
News In BriefCoworker Has Sad Little Vacation Souvenir On Desk To Help Mentally Whisk Him Back To Boston
News In BriefMan Needs To Do Research On Which State He Lives In Before Deciding On Candidates He Can Vote For
News In BriefBystanders Too Busy Complimenting Each Other’s Guns To Stop Mass ShooterMARFA, TX—Completely unfazed by the countless screaming, blood-covered mall-goers who frantically sprinted past them, local bystanders Kevin Steele, Justin Reynolds, and Derek Davis were reportedly too busy complimenting each other’s guns Thursday…
SlideshowAmericans Explain Why They Are Not Voting In The MidtermsWith the midterms fast approaching, many voters have said they are planning to sit out the November elections. The Onion asked Americans why they are not voting, and this is what they said.
News In BriefPolice Chief Yells At Herschel Walker For Blowing Cover In Undercover-Senate-Run Operation
SlideshowBest Bios From The Conservatives-Only Online Dating Site ‘The Right Stuff’On Sept. 30, a conservatives-only dating app called The Right Stuff launched with backing from billionaire Peter Thiel. The following are excerpts from bios of users who have registered on the controversial site.
News In BriefJames Corden Breaks Silence On Restaurant Controversy: ‘I Like To Find Stray Dogs And Suffocate Them To Death’NEW YORK—Addressing an accusation that he was “the most abusive customer” at New York restaurant Balthazar, Late Late Show host James Corden finally broke his silence Friday to confirm that he enjoys finding stray dogs and choking them until they…
Now playing 01:22TikTokNo Matter How Many Chili Cook-Offs I Win, Everyone Still Sees Me As That School Shooter’s Mom
News In BriefFormer High School Basketball Star Lands AA SponsorshipATHENS, GA—Signing to one of the top recovery programs in the country, former high school basketball star Brandon Palmer landed an Alcoholics Anonymous sponsorship, sources confirmed Wednesday. “We are honored to have such an esteemed local high…
BasketballKyrie Irving Alleges Kyrie Irving Just CIA Creation Made To Spread Misinformation To American People
SlideshowGeorgians Explain Why They Are Voting For Herschel WalkerThis November, Herschel Walker will be on the ballot to represent Georgia in the U.S. Senate. The Onion asked Georgians why they are voting for the Republican and former NFL player, and this is what they said.
