Breaking NewsDesperate Trump Flees To Remote Island Of ManhattanPALM BEACH, FL—Pushing a hastily packed steamer trunk filled with clothes and money aboard his yacht before setting sail for the open seas, a desperate Donald Trump reportedly fled Friday for the remote island of Manhattan. “It’ll be a long…
LocalBlackout Drunk Man Desperately Searches For Toilet To Fall Asleep OnPITTSBURGH—Grasping at the walls for balance as he made his way to a public restroom, local blackout drunk man Charlie Hull was desperately searching Thursday for a toilet to fall asleep on, according to sources familiar with the situation. “Get…
EntertainmentBouncer At L.A. Club Checking IMDB Pages At The DoorLOS ANGELES—Operating in accordance with local laws, the bouncer at an L.A. nightclub was reportedly checking Internet Movie Database pages at the door, sources confirmed Friday. “Okay, people, please have your IMDB pages open on your phone by the…
Breaking NewsBiden, Trump Die 2 Minutes Apart Holding HandsWASHINGTON—In a heartwarming and touching end to the story of two soulmates, sources confirmed Thursday that President Joe Biden and former President Donald Trump died two minutes apart holding hands. “Only minutes before their deaths, they…
MagazineNo Shame, Just Facts: Everything You’ve Always Wondered About Beaks But Were Too Afraid To Ask
OpinionFlorida Parents Explain Why Michelangelo’s David Is PornA Florida principal was recently forced to resign after parents complained that the art curriculum was obscene. The Onion asked Florida parents to explain why Michelangelo’s David is porn, and this is what they said.
Breaking NewsPhiladelphia Residents Avoiding Tap Water After Catching Horrifying Glimpse Of Hairless, Wheezing Gritty
LocalAnnotations In Used Copy Of ‘Autobiography Of Malcolm X’ Make It Painfully Obvious That Previous Owner Was White
News In PhotosKyrsten Sinema Descends To Senate Floor On Floating Platform Wearing Dress Shaped Like Gumball Machine
Breaking NewsFox News Anchors Respond To Claims About Workplace’s Toxic CultureA former employee claimed that the network discriminated against her because of her gender while she worked at Tucker Carlson Tonight. The Onion asked Fox News anchors to respond to allegations about the workplace’s toxic culture, and this is what…
OpinionConservatives Define What ‘Woke’ Means To ThemWhile many online firebrands rant and rave against the concept, few take the time to define it. The Onion asked conservatives what “woke” means to them, and this is what they said.
FootballNFL Owners Announce Secret Meeting To Make Sure They Aren’t Colluding Against Lamar JacksonPHOENIX—In an effort to investigate claims that they were conspiring to suppress the market for the Baltimore Ravens quarterback, NFL owners announced Friday that they had held a secret meeting to make sure they weren’t colluding against Lamar…
BasketballLeBron James Credits Quick Injury Recovery To Crazed German Doctor Harnessing Power Of Lightning Atop Mountain Peak
