OpinionPoliticians Explain Why They Oppose Free School Lunch ProgramsDespite the popularity of universal free school lunch amongst Americans, many members of Congress are against the initiative. The Onion asked politicians to explain why they oppose free school lunch, and this is what they said.
PoliticsCongress Rules Food Stamps Can Only Be Used On RutabagasWASHINGTON—In an effort to prevent needless eating among those in poverty, Congress passed legislation Monday that makes it illegal to use food stamps on anything other than rutabagas. “After much tense negotiation, we have settled on providing SNAP…
LocalNeighbors Shocked To Hear Quiet, Unassuming AR-15 Went On Killing RampageLADLEY, SC—Reeling in the wake of a shooting that left three dead and eight wounded, neighbors were reportedly shocked Friday after a seemingly quiet, unassuming AR-15 went on a killing rampage. “It just doesn’t make any sense—that semiautomatic was…
PoliticsFrightened Don Jr. Asks If He Can Sleep In Dad’s Bed After Bad Dream About Being IndictedWASHINGTON—Sobbing uncontrollably as he ran into the room, Donald Trump Jr. asked his father, the 45th president of the United States, if he could sleep in his bed with him Thursday night after reportedly having a bad dream about being indicted. “It…
Breaking NewsCould You Pass The Mental Competency Test For Politicians Over 75?Presidential candidate Nikki Haley recently suggested that all elected officials over the age of 75 should have to pass a mental competency test in order to hold office. Could you pass it?
Breaking NewsPanicking TikTok Influencers Frantically Gathering As Much Validation As Possible In Case App Banned
Breaking NewsEPA Announces They Found A Cool Bug And Want To Keep ItWASHINGTON—Declaring that it was really super important for a big project they were working on, the Environmental Protection Agency reportedly announced Friday that they found a cool bug and want to keep it. “Look how cool and colorful it is! Please…
LocalStarbucks CEO Clearly Just Coming To Company Headquarters To Use BathroomSEATTLE—Calling his motivations “beyond transparent,” sources at Starbucks headquarters confirmed Wednesday that CEO Howard Schultz was clearly only coming into the building to use the bathroom. “He clogged the toilet, stuffed some sugar packets…
Breaking NewsConservative Historian Claims Diversity Ultimately Doomed Third ReichNEW YORK—Bemoaning “woke culture” for infecting the empire and ultimately leading to its untimely demise, conservative historian Antony Reed told reporters Thursday that diversity was what ultimately doomed the Third Reich. “Sadly, had Hitler and…
PoliticsFast-Talking Biden Upsells Australian Prime Minister 2 Extra Nuclear Subs But He Has To Sign Today
Breaking NewsTech Moguls React To The Silicon Valley Bank CollapseThe collapse of Silicon Valley Bank is the largest failure of a financial institution since Washington Mutual went under in 2008. The Onion asked tech moguls how they felt about the bank’s failure, and this is what they said.
American VoicesAmericans Celebrate St. Patrick’s DayToday, millions of Americans are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day, a Christian feast day that has evolved into a secular celebration of Irish culture with parades, festivals, drinking, and wearing the color green. How are you celebrating?
Now playing 00:50TikTokNeighborhood Slowly Realizing Person Who Threw Up On Sidewalk Not Returning To Clean It Up
BasketballObama Reveals His NCAA Tournament Bracket Winner Is ‘Song Of Solomon’ By Toni MorrisonWASHINGTON—In a social media post sharing his predictions, former President Barack Obama revealed Friday that the winner he had picked for his NCAA basketball tournament bracket was Song Of Solomon by Toni Morrison. “March Madness is here, and this…
