TUSTIN, CA—According to sources nodding along to a coworker’s story about vacation home rentals, the conversation happening between strangers at the other end of the communal table at the Ocean Walk Café sounds way more interesting. “I can’t tell exactly what they’re talking about, but just listen to them—they’re…
DENVER, CO—Naively insisting that we seek partners with the confidence to be comfortable in their own skin, Denver systems analyst Jennifer Thomas, 32, stated Monday that “nothing is more attractive than confidence,” clearly demonstrating that she has never seen Sonic the Hedgehog cosplay. “Being secure with who you…
The Communist Party of Cuba formally announced the presidency’s transition from Raúl Castro to 56-year-old Miguel Diaz-Canel, ending nearly 60 years of Castro family rule. What do you think?
HOPKINTON, NH—After viewing several topographical maps, an old wagon wheel, and a few rusting farm implements, visitors to Hopkinton’s local history museum confirmed Monday that the curators had clearly dug deep to fill the two 15-by-20-foot rooms at their disposal. “The first room had photos of the town’s past and a…
A series of memos written by former FBI director James Comey and released to Congress Thursday by the Justice Department provide more insight into his relationship with President Donald Trump, as well as offer information pertinent to the ongoing investigation into his administration’s ties to Russia. The Onion…
An intelligence source revealed that an upcoming talk between Kim Jong-un and Moon Jae-in could result in the announcement of an end to the Korean War 68 years after the conflict began. What do you think?
NEO-SEATTLE—Decrying the lack of decorum on display, an American from decades in the future remarked that politics was never this toxic “back in the 2010s,” shaking his head as he watched the leading presidential candidates of 2048 fight to the death in blood-soaked debate pits.
WASHINGTON—Demanding greater accountability for the race’s outcome, the Democratic National Committee reportedly filed a multimillion-dollar lawsuit Friday alleging that the nation should never, ever stop focusing on the 2016 presidential election. “Our lawsuit lays out, in no uncertain terms, that the nation should…
CINCINNATI—Causing a wave of disgust and outrage among his fellow diners, local man Tobin Sullivan said Friday that, to his horrified surprise, he had found the deep-fried head of Poseidon, the Greek god of the sea, in his $8.99 Two Fish And Six Shrimp Combo Platter. “I was eating my fish when I noticed what looked…
After a wave of protests in response to the arrest of two black customers in a Philadelphia store, global coffee chain said they will close 8,000 stores on May 29 to give employees racial bias training. What do you think?
HARTFORD, CT—Acknowledging that their second-grader had reached “that uncomfortable stage” far earlier than most of his peers, the parents of 8-year-old Kyle Fiedler confirmed Friday that he was at that awkward age where no one cares what he thinks and he’s constantly in the way. “Kyle’s just going through that phase…
YOUR LOCATION—Explaining that staffing was a little tight right now and he would really appreciate the extra help, your boss was wondering Friday if you might be able to work late this year. “It’s obviously not required, but you’d be doing me a huge solid if you wouldn’t mind staying after hours for 12 months or so,”…
WASHINGTON—In an effort to make the solar system’s central star look as badass as possible, NASA officials announced Friday the agency’s plans to place a 864,600-mile-wide pair of shades on the sun. “With this mission, we’ll be taking a great leap forward in our understanding of how cool and chilled-out our sun really…
Nearly seven months after Hurricane Maria, Puerto Rico has entirely lost power, with all 1.5 million electricity customers being plunged into darkness yet again. What do you think?
