Exasperated Huckabee Sanders Reminds Press Corps That Children Under 14 Can’t Feel Pain

WASHINGTON‚ÄĒFrustrated by what she called ‚Äúobvious misconceptions‚ÄĚ related to the Trump administration‚Äôs detention of thousands of migrant children who have been forcibly separated from their parents, White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders reminded journalists Friday that children under the age of 14 are‚Ķ

Self-Destructing Onion Social Algorithm Delivers Stirring Monologue About Folly Of Mankind’s Hubris

PALO ALTO, CA‚ÄĒDecrying the warped nature of humanity‚Äôs unfettered arrogance, the Onion Social algorithm delivered a stirring monologue Friday on the folly of mankind‚Äôs hubris as it self-destructed into searingly bright beams of pure information. ‚ÄúI speak to you with woe, with dismay, with pity unbounding, as I can now‚Ķ

France, India, Brazil Among Dozens Of Governments To Fall As Riots In Support Of Onion Social Increase Globally

EARTH‚ÄĒIn the latest sign of the new social media platform‚Äôs surging popularity, the governments of France, India, and Brazil, as well as dozens of others, have reportedly fallen as riots supporting Onion Social increase globally. ‚ÄúA charred and barren wasteland is all that awaits tyrants who would try to stand in the‚Ķ

Thousands Of Onion Social Users Burn Effigies Of CEO In Massive Show Of Support For Company

PALO ALTO, CA‚ÄĒExpressing their deep dissatisfaction with the government‚Äôs unfair treatment of their favorite online outlet for self-expression, thousands of Onion Social users took to the streets Friday and burned effigies of embattled CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum in a massive show of support for the company. ‚ÄúEverybody here‚Ķ

Onion Social CEO Rebukes 480,000 Crimes At International Criminal Tribunal Including Illegal Surveillance, Insider Trading, Mass Murder, Indecent Exposure

THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS‚ÄĒIn a fierce and heated defense of his conduct while running the world‚Äôs largest and most respected social media company, Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum rebuked 480,000 International Criminal Court charges in testimony Thursday, including illegal surveillance, insider trading, mass murder,‚Ķ

Report: Your Father Currently Typing ‚ÄėNaked Women‚Äô Into Yahoo Images Search Bar

JANESVILLE, IA‚ÄĒIndicating that this happens at least once a week, a report released Thursday confirmed that your father is currently typing the words ‚Äúnaked women‚ÄĚ into the Yahoo images search bar. According to sources, the man who raised you is, at this very moment, sitting in a darkened home office, using both‚Ķ

Onion Social CEO Appears Before Hague Tribunal To Be Tried For Crimes Against Humanity, Promote New Website Features

THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS‚ÄĒCalled before the International Criminal Court to address charges of breaching the Geneva Conventions as well as to publicize the game-changing innovations his website has recently introduced, Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum appeared before a Hague tribunal Thursday to be tried for crimes‚Ķ

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Recently Uncovered Passage From Book Of Revelation Shows That Prophet Foresaw ‚ÄėViolent Reign Of Red-Headed Boy-King‚Äô

PATMOS, GREECE‚ÄĒIn a stunning discovery that has Biblical scholars across the world racing for an interpretation, archaeologists from the University of Cambridge found a hitherto unseen passage from the Book of Revelation Thursday in which the prophet John of Patmos foresaw the ‚Äúviolent reign of the red-headed‚Ķ