Sully Sullenberger Realizes It Too Late Now To Let Everyone Know Plane Did All That Stuff On Autopilot

SAN FRANCISCO—Admitting it would be rather awkward to come clean at this juncture now, retired American Airlines pilot Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger realized Friday that it was almost certainly too late to let everybody know that the Airbus A320 of flight 1549, which landed in the Hudson on Jan. 15, 2009 with no loss…

Kanye West Jumps On Massage Table To Deliver Speech About Relaxation

LOS ANGELES—Insisting that a new age of unwinding was upon the world if they only paid attention, Kanye West jumped onto a massage table at Deluca Bodywork Friday to deliver a highly charged speech about relaxation. “We’re at this point in history where humans can’t relax—they’re on edge, they’re high-strung, and we…

Trump Administration Urges Saudis To Stick To Killing Random Yemeni Civilians

WASHINGTON—As criticism mounted over the country’s alleged role in the disappearance and possible death of journalist Jamal Khashoggi, the Trump administration reportedly urged the leaders of Saudi Arabia Friday to stick to killing random Yemeni civilians. “The potential murder of a high-profile journalist critical of…

Frightened Don Jr. Asks If He Can Sleep In Dad’s Bed After Bad Dream About Being Indicted

WASHINGTON—Sobbing uncontrollably as he ran into the room, Donald Trump Jr. asked his father, the 45th president of the United States, if he could sleep in his bed with him Thursday night after reportedly having a bad dream about being indicted. “It was so scary! The bad man told me that telling lies to Congress and…

Report: Many States Still Relying On Outdated Methods To Disenfranchise Voters

WASHINGTON—Urging Congress to take action before the entire system was compromised, the Federal Election Commission warned Thursday that many states were still relying on outdated methods to disenfranchise their voters. “The fact that a number of polling places across the country are still trying to purge voter rolls…

‘The Convergence Is At Hand,’ Announces Sears CEO As Employees Report To Company Headquarters In White Gowns

HOFFMAN ESTATES, IL—As the department store chain prepared to file for bankruptcy and close its retail locations, Sears CEO Eddie Lampert reportedly announced “The convergence is at hand” Thursday as all Sears employees, clad in white gowns, reported to company headquarters. “Brothers and sisters of Sears, I beseech…