Breaking NewsProfessors Explain Why They Are Fleeing FloridaThanks to Gov. Ron DeSantis’ so-called ‘war on woke,’ Florida institutions of higher education have experienced an unprecedented brain drain. The Onion asked professors why they are fleeing the state, and this is what they said.
Breaking NewsElon Musk Rushed To Hospital After Attempting To Impregnate ToasterAUSTIN, TX—Noting that all great innovators must fail in order to succeed, sources confirmed Tuesday that Elon Musk was rushed to the hospital after attempting to impregnate a toaster. The 52-year-old billionaire, who founded Tesla, SpaceX, and…
Breaking NewsMost Popular New Year’s Resolution By StateWhether it’s their bad habits, obnoxious behavior, or total lack of achievements, Americans are chronically dissatisfied and always looking for ways to improve their pathetic lives. The Onion looks at the most popular New Year’s resolution by state.
LocalThrifter Strikes Gold With Vintage Amazon Essentials Jacket From 2021NASHUA, NH—Looking over his shoulder to make sure no one else copped his find, local thrifter Brian Gresbaum told reporters Thursday he had struck gold with a vintage Amazon Essentials jacket from 2021. “Oh my god, there’s no way this is an…
Breaking NewsSenators Reveal Best Places To Have Sex In CapitolAfter footage leaked of a congressional staffer having sex in hearing room used by the Senate Judiciary Committee, The Onion asked senators to reveal the best places to have sex in the capitol, and this is what they said.
PoliticsCandidates Spend GOP Debate Trying To Hog-Tie Greased-Up Nude Man Representing Woke Mind Virus
PoliticsNation’s Politicians Exhausted After Another Day Of Tirelessly Serving The Will Of The People
FootballJames Webb Telescope Finds Evidence Of Packers Secondary Lined Up 20 Million Light Years Off Receivers
