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We Ask Dr. Fauci About What He's Planning For The Next Pandemic

A Week In The Life Of Taylor Swift

What To Say When Someone Tells You To Lose Weight

Editorial Cartoon: ‘Gotta Retch Em All’

Slideshow

Things You Should Never Say To A Flight Attendant

Honestly, it shouldn’t be that hard to just sit down and be polite on a plane. Here are things you should never, ever say to a flight attendant.

News In Brief

Hospital Adds $20,000 Scan That Informs Patient Whether They Have Feet

News In Brief

‘Handled Variety Of Tasks,’ Writes Kamala Harris, Struggling To Fill Out Performance Review Self-Assessment

WASHINGTON—Struggling to describe her work responsibilities in the most favorable manner possible, Vice President Kamala Harris wrote, “Handled variety of tasks,” on the self-assessment portion of her annual White House performance review,…

News In Brief

Prison Acknowledges Security Lapse That Led To Ghislaine Maxwell Spending Night In Noose Room

NEW YORK—Officials from Brooklyn’s Metropolitan Detention Center issued a statement Thursday acknowledging a security lapse that led to Ghislaine Maxwell spending the night in the prison’s noose room. “As a high-risk prisoner, Ghislaine Maxwell…

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U.S. Warns Dozens Of Foreign Powers Have Access To Food

WASHINGTON—Americans were urged to be on high alert Thursday after Mark Milley, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, warned that dozens of foreign powers have access to food. “Intelligence from our operatives across the globe reveals the…

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Hertz Hopeful New Football Player Spokesperson Doesn’t Murder Two People This Time Around

News In Brief

‘It Would Be So Easy,’ Think 79% Of People Holding Ladders For Loved Ones Putting Up Christmas Lights

News In Brief

NASA Delays Space Walk After It Starts Snowing In Outer Space

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Starbucks Dangles Tied-Up Union Organizers Over Vat Of Steamed Milk

Local

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News In Brief

Man Just 3 More Failed Goals Away From Becoming Crypto Guy

MILWAUKEE—Confirming that he had long been intrigued by alternative currencies, local man Graham McCormick told reporters Tuesday that he was only three more failed goals away from becoming a crypto guy. “Really, I just need another business venture…

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Friend Crashing In Guest Room Hopes He Can Return Favor When Host’s Marriage Implodes

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Conservationist Breaks Down Sobbing While Going Through Old Box Of Extinct Species’ Things

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Report: Ronan Farrow Has Been Asking People About You

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Nonprofit Cofounders Have Screaming Match Over Whether Mission To Ignite Change Or Spark Community Impact

Politics

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Boris Johnson Unsure How U.K. One Country But Also Four

LONDON—In a meeting to discuss possible adjustments to steel import tariffs, Prime Minister Boris Johnson confided to his cabinet Monday that he was unsure how the United Kingdom was one country but also four. “Just to digress for a moment, I’m…

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House Removes Paul Gosar From Anime And Manga Committee

News In Brief

Texas Bans Access To Tall Staircases In Case Women With Unwanted Pregnancies Get Any Ideas

Slideshow

Most Insidious Ways Politicians Have Curtailed U.S. Voting Rights

News In Brief

Energized Chris Christie Ready For Next Chapter Of Humiliation

Videos

Image for Questions I'm Always Asked As A 58-Year-Old Gen Z-er

We Ask Dr. Fauci About What He's Planning For The Next Pandemic

A Week In The Life Of Taylor Swift

What To Say When Someone Tells You To Lose Weight

Editorial Cartoon: ‘Gotta Retch Em All’

Things You Should Never Say To A Flight Attendant

Hospital Adds $20,000 Scan That Informs Patient Whether They Have Feet

‘Handled Variety Of Tasks,’ Writes Kamala Harris, Struggling To Fill Out Performance Review Self-Assessment

Prison Acknowledges Security Lapse That Led To Ghislaine Maxwell Spending Night In Noose Room

U.S. Warns Dozens Of Foreign Powers Have Access To Food

Nation’s Embattled CEOs Announce We Just Gotta Do Better, Simple As That

Signs Your Mother-In-Law Actually Hates You

Nation’s Mothers Demand To Know Where You Heard That Word

Hertz Hopeful New Football Player Spokesperson Doesn’t Murder Two People This Time Around

‘It Would Be So Easy,’ Think 79% Of People Holding Ladders For Loved Ones Putting Up Christmas Lights

NASA Delays Space Walk After It Starts Snowing In Outer Space

Starbucks Dangles Tied-Up Union Organizers Over Vat Of Steamed Milk

Man Just 3 More Failed Goals Away From Becoming Crypto Guy

Friend Crashing In Guest Room Hopes He Can Return Favor When Host’s Marriage Implodes

Conservationist Breaks Down Sobbing While Going Through Old Box Of Extinct Species’ Things

Report: Ronan Farrow Has Been Asking People About You

Nonprofit Cofounders Have Screaming Match Over Whether Mission To Ignite Change Or Spark Community Impact

Boris Johnson Unsure How U.K. One Country But Also Four

House Removes Paul Gosar From Anime And Manga Committee

Texas Bans Access To Tall Staircases In Case Women With Unwanted Pregnancies Get Any Ideas

Most Insidious Ways Politicians Have Curtailed U.S. Voting Rights

Energized Chris Christie Ready For Next Chapter Of Humiliation

Worst Arguments People Make Against Switching To Renewable Energy

Thoughts Every Woman Has Had In The Workplace

Worst Ways Boomers Screwed Over Millennials

Craziest Reasons People Are Afraid Of Teaching Critical Race Theory In Schools

As A Show Of Good Faith, We’re Sending In 10 Little-Known Facts About ‘The Witcher’ And All We Ask Is You Not Harm Any Of The Hostages

Square Enix Writers Explain Why They’ll Never Put The Coward Marlin Into A ‘Kingdom Hearts’ Game

Good News RPG Fans: We’re All Constantly Playing Some Kind Of Role No Matter What

Ultimate Betrayal: It Has Come To Our Attention That There Is A Non-Gamer Within The Ranks Of Our Readership, And We Will Find You

Questions I'm Always Asked As A 58-Year-Old Gen Z-er

This One’s Just Footage Of A Claw Machine. Is This What You Want?

The Onion Reviews 'Licorice Pizza'

Heartwarming Gravy Donation Drive

This One’s Just Footage Of A Claw Machine. Is This What You Want?

A Week In The Life Of Taylor Swift

Questions I'm Always Asked As A 58-Year-Old Gen Z-er

The Cost Of Crystal Meth: What You Should Know About This Deadly Drug And Where You Can Buy Some If You Decide It’s Worth The Risk

Rob Manfred Confirms Pete Rose Remains Ineligible From DraftKings Official MLB Hall Of Fame At Cooperstown

Giannis Antetokounmpo Comes Out Of Nowhere To Block Shot In Nuggets-Magic Game

Hertz Hopeful New Football Player Spokesperson Doesn’t Murder Two People This Time Around

Brian Kelly Admits He Never Actually Believed In God

Germany Imposes Nationwide Lockdown For Unvaccinated People

Twitter Bans Sharing Images Of Private Individuals Without Their Consent

Trump Tested Positive For Covid Ahead Of 2020 Debate With Biden

World’s First Living Robots Can Now Reproduce, Say Scientists