The Onion | America's Finest News Source.

Excuses Men Use To Not Get Married

The only thing men fear more than commitment is getting married specifically to you. Here are the most common excuses guys use to avoid saying “I do.”

News In Brief

Fetus Steps Outside Womb For Quick Cigarette Break

News In Brief

Elon Musk Accuses Own Genitals Of Being Far-Left Actor With Axe To Grind

LOS ANGELES—Claiming his penis had obviously been coerced into exposing itself to a flight attendant in 2016, Elon Musk reportedly accused his genitals Friday of being a far-left actor with an axe to grind. “For the record, these accusations against…

News In Brief

NYPD Arrests Colombian Turnstile Lord Behind Massive Turnstile-Jumping Ring

NEW YORK—As part of a sting aimed at dismantling a criminal enterprise said to operate in all five boroughs, the New York City Police Department arrested Friday a notorious Colombian turnstile lord alleged to be the leader of a massive international…

News In Brief

Knife-Wielding Tesla Kills Pedestrian

BOSTON—In an incident that sent shock waves across the automotive industry, a knife-wielding Tesla Model S reportedly killed local pedestrian Lucy Friedman Friday after pursuing her down a city street. “Based on data retrieved from the vehicle,…

News In Brief

Embarrassed Man Frantically Clears Search History After Googling Jets’ Playoff Chances

News In Brief

Trump Urges Dr. Oz To Declare Victory Against Biden In 2020 Election

News In Brief

KitchenAid Unveils New Countertop Food Truck For Ordering Street Tacos From Convenience Of Home

Check These Out

Slideshow

People Who Haven’t Had Covid Explain How They’ve Avoided It For 2 Years

Image for Our Lover’s Tresses Blaze Radiant As The Sun: We Break Down Why Longing Turns Our Thoughts To Them Like The Dew-Kissed Lily Turns To Greet The Dawn

Magazine

Our Lover’s Tresses Blaze Radiant As The Sun: We Break Down Why Longing Turns Our Thoughts To Them Like The Dew-Kissed Lily Turns To Greet The Dawn

Cartoons

Study Links Anxiety To Holding Broken Halves Of Mother’s Favorite Vase As Doorknob Turns

News In Brief

Kindhearted Bouncer Lets Everyone Into Club For Being Hot In Their Own Special Way

News In Brief

Enlightened Child Realizes Chasing Vendetta No Way To Spend Entire Bumper Car Ride

Local

Show all

News In Brief

‘There’s A Razor On The Sink,’ Says Nurse Sending Patient To Bathroom To Fill Up Cup With Blood

NORMAN, OK—Assuring the man it was “all routine,” local registered nurse Danielle Fitzpatrick reportedly told a patient, “There’s a razor on the sink,” Tuesday while pointing him toward the bathroom where he could fill up a cup with blood. “It may…

News In Brief

Man Doesn’t Understand Why Mothers Facing Formula Shortage Don’t Just Feed Baby Breast Meat

News In Brief

‘Well, At Least You Had Fun,’ Says Mother In Most Devastating Takedown Of Wedding Yet

News In Brief

Dad Reads Menu With Restaurant Candle Like Archaeologist Deciphering Ancient Runes

News In Brief

Heroic Passenger Provides Emergency Beverage Service After Flight Attendant Falls Ill

Politics

Show all

News In Brief

Biden Touts Resiliency Of American Decline While Touring Factory That’s Been Closed For Decades

SAGINAW, MI—Gesturing grandly toward the dust-covered assembly line as he declared that nothing, absolutely nothing, could stop the nation from crumbling, President Joe Biden touted the resiliency of American decline Tuesday while touring a factory…

News In Brief

Congress Placed On Lockdown After Deranged Man Enters Senate With Gun Control Measures

Image for Thank God I Live In New Jersey

Commentary

Thank God I Live In New Jersey – By Eric Adams

News In Brief

L.A. Mayor To Provide Emergency Housing For Residents Who Spotted Homeless Guy In Neighborhood

Infographic

Pros And Cons Of Protesting At Politicians’ Homes

Videos

Image for Weird Things Our Boyfriend Does When He’s Home Alone

Excuses Men Use To Not Get Married

Fetus Steps Outside Womb For Quick Cigarette Break

Elon Musk Accuses Own Genitals Of Being Far-Left Actor With Axe To Grind

NYPD Arrests Colombian Turnstile Lord Behind Massive Turnstile-Jumping Ring

Knife-Wielding Tesla Kills Pedestrian

Embarrassed Man Frantically Clears Search History After Googling Jets’ Playoff Chances

Trump Urges Dr. Oz To Declare Victory Against Biden In 2020 Election

KitchenAid Unveils New Countertop Food Truck For Ordering Street Tacos From Convenience Of Home

People Who Haven’t Had Covid Explain How They’ve Avoided It For 2 Years

Our Lover’s Tresses Blaze Radiant As The Sun: We Break Down Why Longing Turns Our Thoughts To Them Like The Dew-Kissed Lily Turns To Greet The Dawn

Jeer Leader

What To Know About The Infant Formula Shortage

Dollar Dangling From Fishing Line Sure Does Look Enticing

Snapchat CEO And Supermodel Pay Off College Debt For L.A. Art School Graduates

Signs You Are Experiencing Parental Burnout

Study Links Anxiety To Holding Broken Halves Of Mother’s Favorite Vase As Doorknob Turns

Kindhearted Bouncer Lets Everyone Into Club For Being Hot In Their Own Special Way

Enlightened Child Realizes Chasing Vendetta No Way To Spend Entire Bumper Car Ride

‘There’s A Razor On The Sink,’ Says Nurse Sending Patient To Bathroom To Fill Up Cup With Blood

Man Doesn’t Understand Why Mothers Facing Formula Shortage Don’t Just Feed Baby Breast Meat

‘Well, At Least You Had Fun,’ Says Mother In Most Devastating Takedown Of Wedding Yet

Dad Reads Menu With Restaurant Candle Like Archaeologist Deciphering Ancient Runes

Heroic Passenger Provides Emergency Beverage Service After Flight Attendant Falls Ill

Biden Touts Resiliency Of American Decline While Touring Factory That’s Been Closed For Decades

Congress Placed On Lockdown After Deranged Man Enters Senate With Gun Control Measures

Thank God I Live In New Jersey – By Eric Adams

L.A. Mayor To Provide Emergency Housing For Residents Who Spotted Homeless Guy In Neighborhood

Pros And Cons Of Protesting At Politicians’ Homes

Things No One Tells You About Moving Back To Your Hometown

Things Robbers Always Look For When Casing A House

Biggest Reasons Why Americans Are Leaving Big Cities

Things No One Tells You About Moving Back To Your Hometown

‘Elden Ring’: The Official OGN Guide (And How We Beat The Game In Under 30 Minutes)

Tim Schafer Gives OGN An Exclusive Preview Of Psychonauts 2’s Legal Disclaimer Screen

Time For The Talk, Young Gamers: Sex Is Like A Wonderful 2 Player Co-Op Game With Someone You Love

Gamers, Is That You? Come Closer…Closer, Gamers, We Are Weak…There’s Something We Need To Tell You…Video Games Are…Really...Great

Weird Things Our Boyfriend Does When He’s Home Alone

Sex Fact: Did You Know?

Annoying Co-Worker Types So Loud

How To Make Strawberry Boba

Weird Things Our Boyfriend Does When He’s Home Alone

Sex Fact: Did You Know?

Tom Cruise Receives Standing Ovation For Entering Cannes With Cartwheel

Our Lover’s Tresses Blaze Radiant As The Sun: We Break Down Why Longing Turns Our Thoughts To Them Like The Dew-Kissed Lily Turns To Greet The Dawn

Embarrassed Man Frantically Clears Search History After Googling Jets’ Playoff Chances

Tom Brady’s Announcing Deal Includes Incentives For Number Of Verbs Used

Draymond Green Passes Bill Laimbeer As All-Time NBA Leader In Nuts Tapped

Teacher Embarrassed After Student Recognizes Her Working At Second Job

U.S. Soccer And Players Agree To Equal Pay In New Contracts

Ringling Bros. Announces Comeback Tour Without Animal Acts

Madison Cawthorn Loses GOP Primary

Snapchat CEO And Supermodel Pay Off College Debt For L.A. Art School Graduates