Hillary Launches Campaign To Raise $100 Million Or Else She’ll Run For President

CHAPPAQUA, NY—In a press conference announcing her plans for the 2020 election, Hillary Clinton told reporters she is launching a campaign Tuesday that will raise $100 million by the end of the year or else she will run for president. “I’m very excited to roll out my initiative to secure this full amount within seven…

Family Figures Grandpa Never Talks About WWII Because Nothing Interesting Happened To Him

ATHENS, OH—Responding to their grandfather’s longtime silence on the subject, the family of World War II veteran Thomas Withers told reporters Monday that they figured the reason he never talked about serving was probably because nothing interesting happened to him. “Grandpa never discusses being stationed in…

Friends Excitedly Gather Around Man’s Phone To Watch Shaky Footage Of Concert

CHICAGO—Exclaiming and pushing past each other as they jockeyed for a clear view of the screen, friends of local man Carl Michaels excitedly gathered around his phone Monday to watch the shaky footage he had recorded of a recent Mt. Joy concert. “Whoa, the audio is so distorted that you can barely even make out what…

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