News In BriefStrong Jobs Report Underscores Just How Much Of A Loser Unemployed Man IsDUBUQUE, IA—After a stunning report indicated some 528,000 jobs were added to the U.S. economy during July, the Labor Department confirmed Friday that unemployed local man Chris Gibson must be more of a loser than had been previously believed. “For…
News In BriefHHS Declares You Can’t Let Monkeypox Hold You Back If You Have Chance To Get LaidWASHINGTON—Emphasizing that sometimes, some things are just too good to pass up, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services declared Friday that you can’t let monkeypox hold you back if you have the chance to get laid. “Monkeypox is dangerous…
News In BriefNavy Spends Majority Of Boot Camp Training Recruits To Fence Using MarlinsGREAT LAKES, IL—Saying he was surprised by how much the maritime service branch focuses on the discipline, seaman recruit Nathan Hobbes confirmed to reporters Friday that the U.S. Navy now spends the majority of boot camp teaching its recruits to…
News In BriefEpidemiologist Blows Conch Horn After Spotting New Covid Variant Cresting Over HorizonGENEVA—Taking a deep breath and sounding the alarm for all in the land to hear, epidemiologist Hans Zehnder reportedly blew a conch horn Friday after spotting a new Covid variant cresting over the horizon. “Hark, a new variant approaches!” Zehnder…
News In BriefBiden: U.S. Won’t Rest Until Brittney Griner Returned Home To Serve Marijuana Possession Sentence
MagazineDakota Johnson Runs Errands In Heels And Barely There Crop Top: You Wish, Pervert, She’s Wearing An Astronaut Suit
News In BriefKylie Jenner Criticized For Taking 12-Minute Flight On Private Endangered Whooping Crane
News In BriefPelosi Moved By China’s Spectacular Show Of Military Force Celebrating Her Visit To Asia
News In BriefSingle Voice Emerges From Whirlwind Of Chaos In Man’s Head To Suggest He Eat Oatmeal Raisin Cookie
News In BriefApologetic City Officials Admit Expressway Median Wasn’t Best Location For Off-Leash Dog ParkTRENTON, NJ—Acknowledging that a place in a residential zone might have been a better option, Trenton mayor Reed Gusciora admitted in a press conference Thursday that the expressway median wasn’t the best location for an off-leash dog park. “In…
News In BriefFrustrated Fire Truck Driver Takes Another Spin Around Block After Only Open Spot In Front Of Fire Hydrant
News In BriefDesperate Biden Announces Halloween Will Now Happen Every MonthWASHINGTON—In an apparent attempt to address flagging approval ratings and daunting prospects in the midterms, a desperate President Joe Biden announced Wednesday that Halloween would now happen every month. “Let’s everybody stop worrying about gas…
News In BriefMitch McConnell Requests 50 Million Additional Gallons Of Floodwater For Kentucky Flood Victims
News In BriefKylie Jenner Criticized For Taking 12-Minute Flight On Private Endangered Whooping Crane
MagazineDakota Johnson Runs Errands In Heels And Barely There Crop Top: You Wish, Pervert, She’s Wearing An Astronaut Suit
BaseballRob Manfred Extends Olive Branch To Minor Leaguers By Letting Them Run Bases At MLB Stadium After Game