LocalConservative Men Explain How They Are Raising DaughtersThe only thing more terrifying than having a child is having a child that’s not born a straight white male. The Onion asked conservative men how they are coping with the tragedy of having to raise a daughter, and this is what they said.
Breaking NewsEverything Elon Musk Did While Visiting IsraelFacing millions in lost advertising revenue after he championed an antisemitic conspiracy theory on Twitter, Elon Musk toured Israel and met with the country’s leaders. The Onion examines everything Musk did while visiting Israel.
LocalNaïve Woman Asking About Boyfriend’s Video Game Has No Idea Dark Precedent She’s SetPLANO, TX—Unwittingly condemning herself to a devastating fate, local naïve woman Amita Collins reportedly asked a question Tuesday about the video game her boyfriend was playing, having no idea of the dark precedent she had just set. “This poor…
American VoicesMerriam-Webster Names ‘Authentic’ Word Of The YearThe Merriam-Webster dictionary named the word “authentic” as its 2023 word of the year, with the word being among the year’s most searched and many contrasting its definition with the rise of AI usage in everyday life. What do you think?
LocalWoman Didn’t Know Progress On Toxic Masculinity Would Turn Boyfriend Into Such A Weepy Little Pansy
PoliticsBiden Campaign Imperiled By Really Scratchy Blanket That Makes It Hard For President To Sleep
LocalAsian Guy Successfully Assimilates Into White Culture By Appropriating Black CultureNEW YORK—Saying he had finally completed his years-long struggle for acceptance in the eyes of his fellow citizens, sources reported Tuesday that first-generation Asian American Hoang Ngo, 20, had successfully assimilated into white culture by…
PoliticsBiden Invites White House Tour Visitor To Veto LegislationWASHINGTON—In an attempt to provide a behind-the-scenes look at how his administration operated, President Biden reportedly invited a 5-year-old on a White House tour to join him Monday in vetoing a piece of legislation. “Hey, kiddo, come on into…
Breaking NewsStudy Finds Young Americans Eschewing Dating Apps In Favor Of Government-Run Breeding Camps
Breaking NewsOnly Sex Education In Country Now Just Pressing Ear To Shared Wall To Hear Noises From Next Door
EntertainmentMartin Scorsese Reveals Next Film Will Be Mukbang Of Leonardo DiCaprio Eating 5-Gallon Bucket Of Mac And Cheese
FootballModern-Day Mother Teresa Waits For Player On Stretcher To Give Thumbs-Up Before Considering Fantasy Implications
FootballFrustrated Robert Kraft Wishes There Were Somewhere He Could Go To Relieve Tension Of Patriots Season
