FOUNTAIN VALLEY, CAâUrging readers to âstay tunedâ and follow along on its website for more, Boating World Magazine was providing live updates Thursday as its team of reporters read through the more than 400 pages of the Mueller report. âSo far, we have not uncovered any breaking news within the report aboutâŚ
After tirelessly poring over the Special Counselâs recently released findings, The Onion can confidently report that our award-winning team of legal analysts have concluded their official count of how many pages are in the Mueller Report. The Onion has employed a rigorous, exhaustively thorough multi-stage process toâŚ
LOS ANGELESâIn a fiery and, at times, frenzied speech before a crowd of his most devoted followers, Neutrogena CEO Richard Harper announced plans Thursday for a campaign of worldwide cleansing, saying his company would never relent in its goal of attaining facial purity across the globe.
Days after the one-year anniversary of her Coachella set, BeyoncĂŠ has released Homecoming: The Live Album, an hour-and-a-half document of the critically acclaimed 2018 performance spanning tracks from her career. What do you think?
WASHINGTONâAccording to a conclusion reached by expert analysis Thursday, you are far too dumb to be reading Robert Muellerâs report on Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election yourself. âTo put it bluntly, you are a moron, and as a moron, you lack the basic reading skills that would make looking at thisâŚ
PYONGYANGâIn what appeared to be a more modest escalation of threats against the United States and its allies in the region, North Korea announced Thursday it had tested out a new knife, conducting a series of trial cuts with the weapon that state media described as âa great success.â âThe Democratic Peopleâs RepublicâŚ
Pete Buttigieg, the mayor of South Bend, IN who has experienced a rapid rise in prominence in recent months, announced his official entry to the 2020 race this weekend, portraying himself as a force of generational change despite criticisms of his youth and inexperience. What do you think?
WASHINGTONâIn an attempt to satisfy calls for transparency while also keeping delicate information under wraps, Attorney General William Barr announced Thursday that he had released a catatonic Robert Mueller after excising all sensitive material from the special counselâs brain. âWith the cuts weâve made to hisâŚ
COLUMBIA, SCâObserving that southbound motorists should begin to come across signs just after passing the rest area, sources reported Wednesday that there is an adult superstore off exit 16. âYeah, so what you do is, you just hang a left at the end of that off-ramp and itâs pretty much across from the McDonaldâs andâŚ
In a recent Wired article, Sony representatives revealed their next console will feature split-second loading times, backwards compatibility, and processing power enhanced by âray tracing,â a technique that realistically models how light travels. What do you think?
LOS ANGELESâChastising players for not sticking to their frowns during press conferences, head coach Steve Kerr reminded the Warriors Wednesday to seem sad about center DeMarcus Cousinsâ season-ending quad injury. âRemember, guys, nobody likes to be excluded. It might be nice to have a little more spacing on theâŚ
EL SEGUNDO, CAâAs part of the companyâs ongoing effort to provide consumers with meat substitutes indistinguishable from the real thing, officials at Beyond Meat announced Wednesday they had created a fully conscious, completely plant-based veal calf. âWeâre proud to offer our customers a veal replacement made fromâŚ
DES MOINES, IAâRevealing that he taught himself the language after developing an interest in computer science and artificial intelligence, Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg stunned a campaign crowd Wednesday by speaking to manufacturing robots in fluent binary. â01001001 00100111 01101101 00100000âŚ
PARISâSaying the devastation could perhaps have been avoided with some routine upgrades to modern 200-amp service, investigators announced Wednesday they have traced the cause of the Notre Dame fire to the cathedralâs archaic electrical system, which dates back to the 12th century. âIn our examination of the wreckage,âŚ
NEW YORKâAdding the big-name dinosaur to an already stacked lineup featuring stars like Nathan Drake and Ratchet, Sony scored a big win for the upcoming PlayStation 5 Wednesday by poaching Yoshi away from Nintendo with a record-breaking 10-year, $400-million contract. âThis is a huge day for Sony. Yoshi is one of theâŚ
This Sunday, viewers flocked to the blockbuster season premiere of Game Of Thrones to see the fates of their favorite characters and who will finally take the Iron Throne. What do you think?
ATLANTAâResponding to overwhelmingly harsh criticism of their decision to sign a contract worth close to a billion dollars with the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, representatives of the Cinnabon corporation spoke out Wednesday to defend the practice of supplying the totalitarian monarchy with their iconic sweet andâŚ
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