Angela Merkel Admits She Only Attending Stupid Work Conference For Free Trip To Argentina
BUENOS AIRES—Explaining that the event was “always a complete waste of time,” German chancellor Angela Merkel admitted to reporters Friday that she was only attending this stupid work conference for the free trip to Argentina. “I was totally planning to blow off this whole dumb business trip until I found out they…
G20 Leaders Attend Saudi Crown Prince’s Informative Seminar On Eliminating Dissident Journalists
BUENOS AIRES—Saying the hour-long presentation based on His Royal Highness’ own professional experience was really enlightening, member leaders at the G20 Summit attended the Saudi Crown Prince’s informative seminar Friday on eliminating dissident journalists. “He really explained things in simple terms that any head…
‘Walking Dead’ Fans Split On Recent Harlem Globetrotters Crossover Episode
ATLANTA—Noting that late-season gimmicks have often had dire results for past series, fans of zombie drama The Walking Dead found themselves divided this week concerning a recent crossover episode featuring legendary basketball team the Harlem Globetrotters. “It was a nice touch of whimsy when the Globetrotter’s bus…
Recruiter Saw Your Background In Computer Science And Thought Maybe You’d Be Interested In Working Part-Time At A Kohl’s In Sioux City
ROCKLAND, ME—Noting your undergraduate minor in data systems, a qualification which he claims makes you uniquely suited for the job, a corporate recruiter happened to notice your background in computer science and thought you might be interested in working part-time at a Kohl’s department store in Sioux City, IA,…
Gimp Tied To Pole On Curb Outside Coffee Shop While Owner Inside
CHICAGO—Concerned about the welfare of the “cold and kind of lonely-looking” submissive chained to a street sign outside of a coffee shop, sympathetic passersby discussed the ethics Friday of leaving one’s gimp tied to a pole while one buys a latte. “It’s really cold out here, especially with this wind, and the poor…
If I Die, I Want You To Tell My Wife I Wasn’t Really That Super Into Her
As I lie here, my vision starting to fade, I know I likely will not live to see my home again. The approach of death is terrifying, to be sure, but scarier still is leaving words unsaid to the woman I’ve spent so much of my life with. Should I not make it back to her in time, I need you to do something very important…
Study Finds Rising Sea Levels Result Of Expansive Colonization Effort By Dolphins
LOS ANGELES—In a discovery poised to overturn years of climate science research, a study released Thursday by UCLA’s Department of Oceanology revealed that rising sea levels are the result of an expansive colonization effort by the world’s dolphins. “It appears that much of the sea level rise attributed to global…
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