The Onion | America's Finest News Source.

Discontinued Girl Scout Cookies

Pros And Cons Of Sharing Vaccine Supplies And Technology

Trump Secretly Received Covid-19 Vaccine Before Leaving White House

Editorial Cartoon: ‘Non Protest March’

News in Brief

New Military Diversity Initiative Aims To Make Leadership Look More Like Countries They Invade

WASHINGTON—In a move that officials from the Pentagon called long overdue, a new U.S. military diversity initiative unveiled Wednesday aimed to make leadership look more like the countries they invade. “It’s the 21st century, and it simply isn’t…

News in Brief

Parakeet Unaware Its Companionship The Only Thing Stopping Man From Committing One Of Bloodiest Acts In American History

News in Brief

World Leaders Pledge To Cut Emissions By As Much As They Can Realistically Back Out Of

BONN, GERMANY—Agreeing that public perception of how they were handling the climate crisis had never been more important, world leaders signed a major new accord Tuesday in which they pledged to cut carbon emissions to the extent that they could…

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Nation’s Monster Truck Rally Organizers Vow To Crush 100% Electric Cars By 2030

HOUSTON—Claiming the move was the only way to guarantee a fully renewable future of adrenaline-charged metal smashing, the nation’s monster truck rally organizers issued a statement Monday vowing to crush 100% electric cars by 2030. “For too long,…

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Previously Unheard Story About Mom’s Uncle Adds Intriguing Layer To Family History Of Mental Illness

News In Photos

Texas Governor Announces State’s Morgues Now Allowed To Operate At 100% Capacity

News in Brief

Publisher Assures Readers They Can Still Make Dr. Seuss As Racist As They Want With Power Of Imagination

News

Wow: You Can Actually Just Press ‘L3’ To Talk To The Enemies In ‘Demon’s Souls,’ And It Turns Out They’re Really Nice

News in Brief

Cuomo Praised By Media For Decisive, Straight-Talking Approach To Harassing Aides

News in Brief

No-Nonsense Negotiator Strong-Arms Landlord Into Fixing Toilet For Rent Increase

News in Brief

U.S. Allocates $500 Million For Mohammed Bin Salman To Use On Anger Management Counseling

Politics

News in Brief

Biden Comforts Families Of Syrian Airstrike Victims With Eloquent Speech On Living With Heartbreaking Loss

WASHINGTON—Acting in his unofficial role as “consoler-in-chief,” President Joe Biden took some time Friday to comfort the families of those lost in yesterday’s airstrike with an eloquent speech on the challenges of living with heartbreaking loss.…

News in Brief

Parliamentarian Cuts Minimum Wage From Stimulus Due To Obscure Rule Requiring Poor Citizens To Needlessly Suffer

News in Brief

Joe Manchin Claims West Virginians Too Deficient In Character, Grit To Deserve $15 Minimum Wage

Infographic

Goals Of Biden Administration Reviewing U.S. Supply Chains

News in Brief

Florida GOP Introduces Ballotless Voting In Disenfranchised Communities

The Topical

Papa John’s Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce

The Topical

Scientists Warn Americans To Stay Away From That Bird

The Topical

Nation’s Arborists Once Again Urge Congress To Lower The Age Of Consent For Trees

Local

News in Brief

Democrat Reassures Friend This One Of The Good Syrian Airstrikes

CHICAGO—Following a report Friday that Joe Biden’s first military action as president had killed at least 22 people at sites used by Iranian-backed fighters, local registered Democrat Tim Randall was overheard reassuring a friend that this was one…

News in Brief

No-Nonsense Negotiator Strong-Arms Landlord Into Fixing Toilet For Rent Increase

News In Photos

New Gym Member Already Seeing Positive Coronavirus Test Results

News in Brief

Mom Moves In For Kill After Spotting Child’s Shirt Tag Sticking Out

News in Brief

Bridesmaid Ruins Entire Universal Studios Toon Lagoon Bachelorette Party By Hooking Up With Dudley Do-Right

Slideshows

Slideshow

Gaming Win: This Pro Gamer Did Something Terrible And Everyone Is Sweeping It Under The Rug Like He’s A Real Celebrity

Illustration for Jesus Fucking Christ: Mario And Yoshi Used A Warp Block At The Same Time And Emerged Onto The Mario Party Board As A Horrifying, Fused Monstrosity

News

Jesus Christ: Mario And Yoshi Used A Warp Block At The Same Time And Emerged Onto The Mario Party Board As A Horrifying, Fused Monstrosity

Illustration for Biggest Games Of Winter 2021

Slideshow

Discontinued Girl Scout Cookies

Pros And Cons Of Sharing Vaccine Supplies And Technology

Trump Secretly Received Covid-19 Vaccine Before Leaving White House

Editorial Cartoon: ‘Non Protest March’

New Military Diversity Initiative Aims To Make Leadership Look More Like Countries They Invade

Parakeet Unaware Its Companionship The Only Thing Stopping Man From Committing One Of Bloodiest Acts In American History

World Leaders Pledge To Cut Emissions By As Much As They Can Realistically Back Out Of

Popular New Podcast Just Mark Ruffalo Reading Names Of Murder Victims

Nation’s Monster Truck Rally Organizers Vow To Crush 100% Electric Cars By 2030

Previously Unheard Story About Mom’s Uncle Adds Intriguing Layer To Family History Of Mental Illness

Texas Governor Announces State’s Morgues Now Allowed To Operate At 100% Capacity

Publisher Assures Readers They Can Still Make Dr. Seuss As Racist As They Want With Power Of Imagination

Wow: You Can Actually Just Press ‘L3’ To Talk To The Enemies In ‘Demon’s Souls,’ And It Turns Out They’re Really Nice

Cuomo Praised By Media For Decisive, Straight-Talking Approach To Harassing Aides

No-Nonsense Negotiator Strong-Arms Landlord Into Fixing Toilet For Rent Increase

U.S. Allocates $500 Million For Mohammed Bin Salman To Use On Anger Management Counseling

Biden Comforts Families Of Syrian Airstrike Victims With Eloquent Speech On Living With Heartbreaking Loss

Parliamentarian Cuts Minimum Wage From Stimulus Due To Obscure Rule Requiring Poor Citizens To Needlessly Suffer

Joe Manchin Claims West Virginians Too Deficient In Character, Grit To Deserve $15 Minimum Wage

Goals Of Biden Administration Reviewing U.S. Supply Chains

Florida GOP Introduces Ballotless Voting In Disenfranchised Communities

Papa John’s Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce

Scientists Warn Americans To Stay Away From That Bird

Nation’s Arborists Once Again Urge Congress To Lower The Age Of Consent For Trees

Democrat Reassures Friend This One Of The Good Syrian Airstrikes

No-Nonsense Negotiator Strong-Arms Landlord Into Fixing Toilet For Rent Increase

New Gym Member Already Seeing Positive Coronavirus Test Results

Mom Moves In For Kill After Spotting Child’s Shirt Tag Sticking Out

Bridesmaid Ruins Entire Universal Studios Toon Lagoon Bachelorette Party By Hooking Up With Dudley Do-Right

Discontinued Girl Scout Cookies

Interior Decorating Tricks To Make Your Tiny Apartment Look Brown

Inspirational Mugs Your Therapist Doesn’t Want You To See

State-By-State Covid-19 Restrictions

Gaming Win: This Pro Gamer Did Something Terrible And Everyone Is Sweeping It Under The Rug Like He’s A Real Celebrity

Jesus Christ: Mario And Yoshi Used A Warp Block At The Same Time And Emerged Onto The Mario Party Board As A Horrifying, Fused Monstrosity

Biggest Games Of Winter 2021

Bad News For Gamers: OGN Has Learned Ocarinas Are Real And They Goddamn Suck

The Johnson & Johnson Vaccine By The Numbers

5 Things To Know About Trump’s Second Impeachment Trial

MapQuest Turns 25

How We’re Celebrating Valentine’s Day In A Pandemic

Career Timeline Of Daft Punk

Timeline Of Britney Spears’ Career

Christopher Nolan Still No Closer To Understanding End Of ‘Tenet’ After Watching Dozens Of YouTube Explainer Videos

Media Claims Britney Spears Well Enough To Be Released Back Into Their Sole Custody

Doctors Reassure Tiger Woods That You Don’t Have To Be In Good Physical Condition To Play Golf

Hockey Hall Of Fame Debuts Interactive Exhibit Letting Fans Play With Game-Used Teeth

The Biggest Snubs From The 2021 NBA All-Star Game

Michelle Wie Shoots 63 While Using Rudy Giuliani As Sand Wedge

National Guard May Deploy Up To 20,000 Troops To DC For Biden Inauguration

Bill Belichick Declines Medal Of Freedom From Trump

‘Sex And The City’ Reboot Will Not Include Kim Cattrall

Hallmark Asks Senators Hawley And Marshall To Return Political Donations