Breaking News‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly HappensNASHVILLE, TN—In the hours following a violent rampage in Tennessee in which a lone attacker killed at least six individuals and injured several others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly…
LocalTeacher Claims She Doesn’t Discriminate Between Black Students, Students She Gives A’s ToLARAMIE, WY—Explaining that she made sure to educate in a fair, unbiased way, local teacher Miranda Osness confirmed Monday that she didn’t discriminate between Black students and the students she gave A’s to. “The African American students are just…
LocalStressed-Out City Dweller Wishes He Could Move Into Countryside And Just Hammer Nails Into Planks For Living Or Whatever They DoNEW YORK—Bemoaning the hustle and bustle of his cosmopolitan lifestyle, local city dweller Scott Braintree confirmed Monday that he wished he could move into the countryside and just hammer nails into planks for a living or whatever they do. “Man,…
Breaking NewsMTA Announces New Minimum Income Requirements To Ride SubwayNEW YORK—Promising to restore “law and order” to New York City Transit, the Metropolitan Transportation Authority announced Monday that it would implement new minimum income requirements to ride the subway. “Going forward, all MTA customers must…
Breaking NewsReport: French Protests Can Only Mean Something Crazy Happened With Way M&M’s Marketed Over There
LocalShort Concertgoer Annoyed After Getting Stuck Behind Man Growing Continuously TallerLOS ANGELES—Standing on her tiptoes and craning her neck to no avail, short concertgoer Kate Wulff reportedly grew annoyed Friday night after getting stuck behind a man growing continuously taller. “Goddamn it, this guy’s got to be at least…
LocalAnnotations In Used Copy Of ‘Autobiography Of Malcolm X’ Make It Painfully Obvious That Previous Owner Was WhiteCHICAGO—With dumbfounded question marks and astounded exclamation points littering the margins of almost every page, the handwritten annotations found Wednesday in a secondhand copy of The Autobiography Of Malcolm X made it painfully obvious that…
SlideshowConservatives Explain What They Will Do If Trump Is ProsecutedThe Onion asked conservatives what they would do if Donald Trump is prosecuted.
PoliticsThoughtful Letter On How To Improve Legislative Process Undercut By Poison Included In Envelope
Breaking NewsCould You Pass The Mental Competency Test For Politicians Over 75?Presidential candidate Nikki Haley recently suggested that all elected officials over the age of 75 should have to pass a mental competency test in order to hold office. Could you pass it?
OpinionPoliticians Explain Why They Oppose Free School Lunch ProgramsDespite the popularity of universal free school lunch amongst Americans, many members of Congress are against the initiative. The Onion asked politicians to explain why they oppose free school lunch, and this is what they said.
SportsParents Waiting To See Son’s Test Scores Before Prohibiting Him From Playing FootballMARBLEHEAD, MA—Amid growing concerns about the sport’s potential effects on child brain development, local parents Jim and Angela Garza told reporters Friday that they were waiting to see their son’s test scores before prohibiting him from playing…
