The Onion | America's Finest News Source.

Things Every Cat Owner Wished They’d Known Before Adopting

Study Finds American Women Delaying Motherhood Because The Whole Thing Blows

Rabid Pack Of Starving Barbecue Guests Fight Over Scrap Of Bell Pepper That Fell Into Grass

Editorial Cartoon: ‘Prize Fighter’

Entertainment

Celebrities You Never Knew Went To Jail

Prison seemed the only safe place for this comedic force of nature, whose brand of take-no-prisoners humor traumatized politically correct weaklings around the world.

Local

Shopper Struggling To Find Father’s Day Card That Doesn’t Use Word ‘Love’

News In Brief

Scorching Heat Wave Causes Unsightly Blisters To Bubble Up Across Southwest

SANTA FE, NM—Advising residents to avoid prolonged outdoor activity, the National Weather Service reported Friday that a scorching heat wave had caused unsightly blisters to bubble up across the American Southwest. “Although the region is known…

Sports

New MLB.TV Ad Campaign Reminds Subscribers They Can Share Log-In Info With Whoever They Want

NEW YORK—Worried that people might think they would get in trouble or be blocked from using the service, a new MLB.TV ad campaign launched Friday reminding subscribers they can give away their log-in information to any number of people they want.…

News In Brief

Biden Presses Cybernetic Biden Replica On Growing Threat Of Automation

WASHINGTON—Expressing concern that a lack of restraints on the burgeoning technological field may post significant consequences down the road, President Joe Biden reportedly pressed a cybernetic replica of himself Thursday on the growing threat of…