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Label Of Prescription Shampoo Shamefully Turned To Face Wall

American Voices

Ikea Introduces Buyback Program In 27 Countries

Illustration for Michael Strahan Gives Passionate Speech About Being Black In America While Terry Bradshaw Patiently Waits to Discuss ‘Buick Keys To Success’

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Michael Strahan Gives Passionate Speech About Being Black In America While Terry Bradshaw Patiently Waits to Discuss ‘Buick Keys To Success’

Editorial Cartoon

Editorial Cartoon: ‘Zero Patients’

News in Brief

Trump Attempts To Soften Image Before Election By Adopting Dead Dog

WASHINGTON—Flopping the putrescent animal carcass down in the Oval Office with an introduction of “call him whatever you want, I don’t care,” President Donald Trump announced Monday that the first family had a new member, a dead dog reportedly…

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Man Hasn’t Heard Or Read Single True Thing In 6 Years

News in Brief

Man Has Come Too Far To Turn Back For Grocery Basket

FALCON, CO—Rueing his earlier hubris but knowing that the only course he had left was to press forward to the next aisle of the supermarket, local man Tim McClendon told reporters Friday that he had come too far to turn back for a grocery basket…

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Scientists Warn Florida Will Be Under 6 Feet Of Snakes By 2021

MIAMI—Urging drastic action to mitigate the effects of the imminent herpetological disaster, scientists at the University of Miami warned Friday that Florida could be completely submerged by snakes as early as 2021. “Our projections show that the…

News in Brief

Man Cannot For The Life Of Him Understand Why Wife Enjoys TV Show Marketed Toward Married 30-50-Year-Old Women

TAOS, NM—Admitting that he “didn’t get the hype” over the serialized drama, local man Connor Sharp revealed Friday that he could not for the life of him understand why his wife, Lauren, enjoys a television show marketed toward married women between…

The Topical

CDC Reclassifies Majority Of Covid-19 Deaths To Being Personally Murdered By Barack Obama

News in Brief

NASA Builds 4G Tower On Moon Tastefully Disguised As Pine Tree

News in Brief

Therapist Knows This Whole Goddamn Gravy Train Of Clients Ends Second Vaccine Announced

News in Brief

Nation’s Independent Bookstore Owners Announce They Don’t Have It In Stock But Would Be Happy To Order It In For You

News

Gamers, We Need To Come Clean: ‘Cyberpunk 2077’ Is Just A Lie We Made Up To Make You Like Us That Got Way Out Of Hand

News in Brief

Media Pledges Not To Prematurely Declare Election Winner Unless Viewers Start Losing Interest

Illustration for Wawaweewa! iBorat Subsequent Moviefilm/i Is Here And 2020 Is Officially The Best Year In History!

Wawaweewa! Borat Subsequent Moviefilm Is Here And 2020 Is Officially The Best Year In History!

Politics

News in Brief

Amy Coney Barrett Promises Catholic Faith Won’t Interfere With Court’s Crushing Of The Poor, Downtrodden

WASHINGTON—In an effort to assure critics during her Senate confirmation hearing for the Supreme Court, Judge Amy Coney Barrett promised Monday that her Catholic faith’s tenets of generosity and humanity would not interfere with her duty on the…

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Right-Wing Militia Wondering When Someone Will Notice They’ve Been Holding J.B. Pritzker Hostage For Months

Infographic

How Trump Can Beat Biden

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‘Poll Watching Is Not Voter Intimidation,’ Trump Supporter Whispers Into Ear Of Man Filling Out Ballot In Voting Booth

News in Brief

‘Thank God I Voted Absentee In Whatever Dumb Ohio Town I’m From,’ Say Brooklyn Residents

The Topical

CDC Reclassifies Majority Of Covid-19 Deaths To Being Personally Murdered By Barack Obama

The Topical

L’Oréal Introduces New Smudge-Proof Lipstick Able To Withstand Getting Hit By Bus

The Topical

Scientists Discover Dangerous Link Between Book Learnin’, Back Talk

Local

News in Brief

Liberal Man Worried Biden Victory Would Immediately Reignite Discussions About Having Kids

RIDGEWOOD, NJ—Speculating on the implications of President Donald Trump leaving the White House in January, local liberal Corey Johnston, 34, told reporters Wednesday he was worried a Joe Biden victory would immediately reignite discussions with his…

News in Brief

Mom Won’t Stop Talking About How Doctor Praised Her Colonoscopy Preparation

News in Brief

Old Man Remembers When Things Cost Roughly The Same As Now After Adjusting For Inflation

News in Brief

‘Well, They’re Harmless And They Help With Pests,’ Says Man Deciding Against Squashing Cat

News In Photos

Mask Accidentally Leaves House Without Face

Slideshows

Slideshow

‘Horizon Zero Dawn’ Star Ashly Burch Teaches Her Top Tricks For Aspiring Video Game Voice Actors

Slideshow

Talk Around The Con: The Most Insane Quotes We Heard Around OGE

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Highlights Of The Onion Gamers Expo: Part 2

Slideshow

Highlights Of The Onion Gamers Expo: Part 1

Videos

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How Social Media Will Affect The 2020 Election

The Life Cycle Of A Trump Lie

Movie Remakes That Are Better Than The Original

How Washington’s Positive Coronavirus Tests Will Affect The Election

Entertainment

Horoscopes

Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 13, 2020

News in Brief

Hundreds Of Cane-Wielding Demonstrators Pull Governor Into Kickline To Protest Broadway Shutdown

Horoscopes

Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 6, 2020

News In Photos

Guy In 1940s Song Always Losing His Baby

Sports

Photo Finish

Michael Strahan Gives Passionate Speech About Being Black In America While Terry Bradshaw Patiently Waits to Discuss ‘Buick Keys To Success’

Illustration for Atlanta Braves Manager Reminds Team October Is Where Other Teams’ Legacies Are Made

News in Brief

Label Of Prescription Shampoo Shamefully Turned To Face Wall

Ikea Introduces Buyback Program In 27 Countries

Michael Strahan Gives Passionate Speech About Being Black In America While Terry Bradshaw Patiently Waits to Discuss ‘Buick Keys To Success’

Editorial Cartoon: ‘Zero Patients’

Trump Attempts To Soften Image Before Election By Adopting Dead Dog

Man Hasn’t Heard Or Read Single True Thing In 6 Years

Man Has Come Too Far To Turn Back For Grocery Basket

Scientists Warn Florida Will Be Under 6 Feet Of Snakes By 2021

Man Cannot For The Life Of Him Understand Why Wife Enjoys TV Show Marketed Toward Married 30-50-Year-Old Women

CDC Reclassifies Majority Of Covid-19 Deaths To Being Personally Murdered By Barack Obama

NASA Builds 4G Tower On Moon Tastefully Disguised As Pine Tree

Therapist Knows This Whole Goddamn Gravy Train Of Clients Ends Second Vaccine Announced

Nation’s Independent Bookstore Owners Announce They Don’t Have It In Stock But Would Be Happy To Order It In For You

Gamers, We Need To Come Clean: ‘Cyberpunk 2077’ Is Just A Lie We Made Up To Make You Like Us That Got Way Out Of Hand

Media Pledges Not To Prematurely Declare Election Winner Unless Viewers Start Losing Interest

Wawaweewa! Borat Subsequent Moviefilm Is Here And 2020 Is Officially The Best Year In History!

Amy Coney Barrett Promises Catholic Faith Won’t Interfere With Court’s Crushing Of The Poor, Downtrodden

Right-Wing Militia Wondering When Someone Will Notice They’ve Been Holding J.B. Pritzker Hostage For Months

How Trump Can Beat Biden

‘Poll Watching Is Not Voter Intimidation,’ Trump Supporter Whispers Into Ear Of Man Filling Out Ballot In Voting Booth

‘Thank God I Voted Absentee In Whatever Dumb Ohio Town I’m From,’ Say Brooklyn Residents

CDC Reclassifies Majority Of Covid-19 Deaths To Being Personally Murdered By Barack Obama

L’Oréal Introduces New Smudge-Proof Lipstick Able To Withstand Getting Hit By Bus

Scientists Discover Dangerous Link Between Book Learnin’, Back Talk

Liberal Man Worried Biden Victory Would Immediately Reignite Discussions About Having Kids

Mom Won’t Stop Talking About How Doctor Praised Her Colonoscopy Preparation

Old Man Remembers When Things Cost Roughly The Same As Now After Adjusting For Inflation

‘Well, They’re Harmless And They Help With Pests,’ Says Man Deciding Against Squashing Cat

Mask Accidentally Leaves House Without Face

What To Read While Social Distancing

10 Breathtaking Photos That Perfectly Capture The Unwavering Spirit Of Scissors

How To Stay Connected To Others During Social Distancing

11 Simple Cocktail Recipes To Try While Quarantining

‘Horizon Zero Dawn’ Star Ashly Burch Teaches Her Top Tricks For Aspiring Video Game Voice Actors

Talk Around The Con: The Most Insane Quotes We Heard Around OGE

Highlights Of The Onion Gamers Expo: Part 2

Highlights Of The Onion Gamers Expo: Part 1

How Social Media Will Affect The 2020 Election

The Life Cycle Of A Trump Lie

Movie Remakes That Are Better Than The Original

How Washington’s Positive Coronavirus Tests Will Affect The Election

Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 13, 2020

Hundreds Of Cane-Wielding Demonstrators Pull Governor Into Kickline To Protest Broadway Shutdown

Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 6, 2020

Guy In 1940s Song Always Losing His Baby

Michael Strahan Gives Passionate Speech About Being Black In America While Terry Bradshaw Patiently Waits to Discuss ‘Buick Keys To Success’

Atlanta Braves Manager Reminds Team October Is Where Other Teams’ Legacies Are Made

Bill Belichick Locks Covid-Exposed Players In Room With Broken Glass Bottle, Single Dose Of Antibody Cocktail

Undecided Voter Still Hasn’t Made Up Mind As To Who Won NBA Finals

States See Record-Breaking Turnout For Early Voting

Ikea Introduces Buyback Program In 27 Countries

Federal Authorities Investigating Second Jetpack Sighting Over Los Angeles

Dunkin’ Releases Ghost Pepper Donut For Halloween