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Illustration for ANNOUNCEMENT: We’re Proud To Announce The Onion Gamers Expo: A Weeklong, In-Person Video Game Conference Unafraid To Kick-Start The Resurgence In Our Global Pandemic

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ANNOUNCEMENT: We’re Proud To Announce The Onion Gamers Expo: A Weeklong, In-Person Video Game Conference Unafraid To Kick-Start The Resurgence In Our Global Pandemic

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Stunned Pundits Criticize Trump For Refusing To Denounce His Base

CLEVELAND—After failing to condemn the group’s violent behavior and rhetoric during the first presidential debate, President Donald Trump came under fire from stunned political pundits Wednesday for refusing to denounce his base. “I’ve been…

News in Brief

‘That’s It, I’m Voting For Him,’ Says Undecided Voter Impressed By Poised Chris Wallace

The Topical

The Topical: Congress Aids Those Struggling With Depression By Implementing New National Suicide-Prevention Conga Line

Hear why placing your hands on another person’s hips and swaying rhythmically, even for just a few beats of the drum, can be greatly beneficial for one’s mental health.

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Trump Stokes Crime Fears By Having Mike Pompeo Disguise Self As Cat Burglar, Rob Him On Debate Stage

CLEVELAND—Letting out a forced gasp at the phony mugging, President Donald Trump stoked fears surrounding crime Tuesday by having Secretary of State Mike Pompeo disguise himself as a cat burglar and rob him on the debate stage. “Oh no, look, it’s a…

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Neighbors Remember Shooter As Regular Guy Who Loved Unhinged Extremist Rhetoric

HUDSON, VA—In the aftermath of a mass shooting that left two people dead and several others badly injured, neighbors reportedly remembered shooter Duane Simmons Tyler Wednesday as a regular guy who loved unhinged exterminationist rhetoric. “It’s so…

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Post-Debate Poll Finds Majority Of Viewers Agree America Was Waste Of Time

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Falcon Sick Of Everyone Assuming He And Falconer Friends

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‘And The Crowd Heads For The Exit!’ Yells Child Dribbling Out Clock In Imaginary 19-Point NBA Finals Victory

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Nation To Take Five

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Doing Their Part: Nintendo Is Encouraging Gamers To Register To Vote And Write In Mario For President

News in Brief

California Firefighters Massage 2.5 Million Gallons Of Moisturizer Into Forests To Prevent Dryness

Branded Content from Onion Labs

This Can’t Be Real! 9 Mind-Blowing Links That Will Take You To Visible’s Website Where You Can Purchase Their Services

Politics

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New Patriotic 1776 Commission Struggling To Find Ways To Improve Upon Education System’s Existing Propaganda

WASHINGTON—Frantically scouring textbooks to find sections in need of revision, members of President Donald Trump’s new patriotic 1776 Commission struggled Wednesday to find ways to improve upon the education system’s existing propaganda. “We cut…

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The Onion Looks Back At The Life And Legacy Of Ruth Bader Ginsburg

News in Brief

Biden Campaigns Door-To-Door In JPMorgan Chase Headquarters

News In Photos

Ginsburg Clerks Wheel Filing Cabinets Into Capitol As Per Late Justice’s Request To Finish Some Work Before Burial

News in Brief

Xi Jinping Jails Chinese Tycoon For Failing To Use Sandwich Method Of Constructive Criticism When Condemning Him

The Topical

Congress Aids Those Struggling With Depression By Implementing New National Suicide-Prevention Conga Line

The Topical

White House Vows To Have Something To Stick Into Your Arm By October

The Topical

Disney World On Lockdown After Mickey Escapes Enclosure, Rampages Through Park

Local

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Father Reminds Child He Should Never Ever Handle Gun Unless He’s Super Bored

JASPER, IN—Stressing the firearm was for “emergencies only,” local father Kenny Webb reminded his son Nolan that he should never ever handle his gun unless he’s super bored, household sources confirmed Tuesday. “Let me be clear: This gun is not a…

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Smoke Alarm Sick Of Being Yelled At For Doing Its Job

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Calf Annoyed By Mother Always Giving Guilt Trip About How Vet Had To Stick Chain Up Vagina To Pull Her Out

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‘Then The Pandemic Hit And We Decided It Was Too Scary To Break Up’ Conclude Heartfelt Wedding Vows In 2022

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Girlfriend Doing Something With Leaves From Outside

Slideshows

Slideshow

What To Read While Social Distancing

Slideshow

10 Breathtaking Photos That Perfectly Capture The Unwavering Spirit Of Scissors

Slideshow

How To Stay Connected To Others During Social Distancing

Slideshow

11 Simple Cocktail Recipes To Try While Quarantining

Illustration for Major Letdown: It Looks Like The Witch Who Hexed Us To Be Infertile Until There Are 20 Main Series ‘Zelda’ Games Considers The New ‘Breath Of The Wild’ Prequel To Be A Spinoff

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Major Letdown: It Looks Like The Witch Who Hexed Us To Be Infertile Until There Are 20 Main Series ‘Zelda’ Games Considers The New ‘Breath Of The Wild’ Prequel To Be A Spinoff

Illustration for Console Wars: Sony Undercuts Xbox’s $500 Price By Printing Counterfeit Bills To Cause Hyperinflation And Make The American Dollar Worthless

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Console Wars: Sony Undercuts Xbox’s $500 Price By Printing Counterfeit Bills To Cause Hyperinflation And Make The American Dollar Worthless

Illustration for Gamers, We Should Be Thrilled To Share These New PS5 Images With You, But In Reality We’ve Been Dreading It Because Sometimes You Guys Are Fucking Mean

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Gamers, We Should Be Thrilled To Share These New PS5 Images With You, But In Reality We’ve Been Dreading It Because Sometimes You Guys Are Fucking Mean

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‘If I Control Time, What Is It But A Mortal Man’s Hallucination Of The Possible?’ Thinks Solemn Ref Windmilling Clock To Start

Illustration for Punter Likes To Pretend Coach’s Pregame Speech Meant For Him Too

Photo Finish

ANNOUNCEMENT: We’re Proud To Announce The Onion Gamers Expo: A Weeklong, In-Person Video Game Conference Unafraid To Kick-Start The Resurgence In Our Global Pandemic

Highlights From The First 2020 Presidential Debate

How Biden Can Beat Trump

5 Things To Know About Amy Coney Barrett

Stunned Pundits Criticize Trump For Refusing To Denounce His Base

‘That’s It, I’m Voting For Him,’ Says Undecided Voter Impressed By Poised Chris Wallace

The Topical: Congress Aids Those Struggling With Depression By Implementing New National Suicide-Prevention Conga Line

Trump Stokes Crime Fears By Having Mike Pompeo Disguise Self As Cat Burglar, Rob Him On Debate Stage

Neighbors Remember Shooter As Regular Guy Who Loved Unhinged Extremist Rhetoric

Post-Debate Poll Finds Majority Of Viewers Agree America Was Waste Of Time

Falcon Sick Of Everyone Assuming He And Falconer Friends

‘And The Crowd Heads For The Exit!’ Yells Child Dribbling Out Clock In Imaginary 19-Point NBA Finals Victory

Nation To Take Five

Doing Their Part: Nintendo Is Encouraging Gamers To Register To Vote And Write In Mario For President

California Firefighters Massage 2.5 Million Gallons Of Moisturizer Into Forests To Prevent Dryness

This Can’t Be Real! 9 Mind-Blowing Links That Will Take You To Visible’s Website Where You Can Purchase Their Services

New Patriotic 1776 Commission Struggling To Find Ways To Improve Upon Education System’s Existing Propaganda

The Onion Looks Back At The Life And Legacy Of Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Biden Campaigns Door-To-Door In JPMorgan Chase Headquarters

Ginsburg Clerks Wheel Filing Cabinets Into Capitol As Per Late Justice’s Request To Finish Some Work Before Burial

Xi Jinping Jails Chinese Tycoon For Failing To Use Sandwich Method Of Constructive Criticism When Condemning Him

Congress Aids Those Struggling With Depression By Implementing New National Suicide-Prevention Conga Line

White House Vows To Have Something To Stick Into Your Arm By October

Disney World On Lockdown After Mickey Escapes Enclosure, Rampages Through Park

Father Reminds Child He Should Never Ever Handle Gun Unless He’s Super Bored

Smoke Alarm Sick Of Being Yelled At For Doing Its Job

Calf Annoyed By Mother Always Giving Guilt Trip About How Vet Had To Stick Chain Up Vagina To Pull Her Out

‘Then The Pandemic Hit And We Decided It Was Too Scary To Break Up’ Conclude Heartfelt Wedding Vows In 2022

Girlfriend Doing Something With Leaves From Outside

What To Read While Social Distancing

10 Breathtaking Photos That Perfectly Capture The Unwavering Spirit Of Scissors

How To Stay Connected To Others During Social Distancing

11 Simple Cocktail Recipes To Try While Quarantining

Major Letdown: It Looks Like The Witch Who Hexed Us To Be Infertile Until There Are 20 Main Series ‘Zelda’ Games Considers The New ‘Breath Of The Wild’ Prequel To Be A Spinoff

Console Wars: Sony Undercuts Xbox’s $500 Price By Printing Counterfeit Bills To Cause Hyperinflation And Make The American Dollar Worthless

Gamers, We Should Be Thrilled To Share These New PS5 Images With You, But In Reality We’ve Been Dreading It Because Sometimes You Guys Are Fucking Mean

Bad News: Toad Died

How ‘Superspreader’ Events Are Driving The Coronavirus Pandemic

The Onion’s Complete Guide To Skincare Terms

The Life Cycle Of A Trump Lie

Movie Remakes That Are Better Than The Original

Guy In 1940s Song Always Losing His Baby

Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 29, 2020

The Onion’s Guide To Streaming Services

Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 22, 2020

‘And The Crowd Heads For The Exit!’ Yells Child Dribbling Out Clock In Imaginary 19-Point NBA Finals Victory

‘If I Control Time, What Is It But A Mortal Man’s Hallucination Of The Possible?’ Thinks Solemn Ref Windmilling Clock To Start

Punter Likes To Pretend Coach’s Pregame Speech Meant For Him Too

Fantasy Football Week 3: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em

Tennessee Titans Face Coronavirus Outbreak

Scientists Say Time Travel Without Paradoxes Theoretically Possible

Biden, Trump Meet In First Presidential Debate

Astronaut To Vote From Space