News In BriefBiden Issues Urgent Warning For Americans To Decide What To Be For Halloween NowWASHINGTON—In an address to the nation in which he warned that preparations for the upcoming holiday must begin at once, President Joe Biden on Friday urged Americans to decide now what they were going to be for Halloween. “It is vital that we start…
News In BriefBrett Favre Makes Amends By Sending Photo Of His Penis To Every Mississippian On WelfareSUMRALL, MS—In an effort to address the backlash against his alleged participation in a massive scheme to misuse state funding, former NFL star Brett Favre on Friday was reportedly making amends by sending every Mississippian on welfare a photo of…
News In BriefWealthy Florida Residents Without Power Forced To Use Emergency Hand-Crank Margarita MachinesNAPLES, FL—With state power outages topping 2.6 million in the aftermath of Hurricane Ian, sources reported Thursday that wealthy Florida residents without electricity were forced to rely on their emergency hand-crank margarita machines. “Thank…
News In BriefCNN’s Chief Nihilist Correspondent Gives Perspective On Why None Of This MattersATLANTA—In an effort to provide a more expansive insight on current events, CNN Newsroom reportedly brought on Chief Nihilist Correspondent Jean-Pierre Gauthier Friday to give greater perspective on why none of this matters. “Thanks Ana—the real …
News In BriefBiden Calls On Any Spirits Of Dead Lawmakers Present To Make Themselves Known After Jackie Walorski Doesn’t Answer
InfographicWhat To Know About The Oath Keepers, On Trial For Role In January 6 RiotsFive members of the Oath Keepers, including founder Stewart Rhodes, are being tried in federal court for their role in the riots of Jan. 6, 2021. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about the Oath Keepers and their trial.
MagazineThe Cast Of ‘Abbott Elementary’: Where Are They Now? What Do You Mean They’re On Set Shooting The Show? Right Now? Wait…What Year Is It? Oh My God...
SlideshowRepublicans Explain Why They Voted Against The Electoral Reform BillAfter the House of Representatives passed a bill to strengthen the presidential certification process, The Onion asked Republicans who voted against it why they oppose reforming the Electoral Count Act.
News In BriefFlorida Landlord Reminds Tenants Fleeing Flood That Lease Doesn’t Include Rooftop Access
News In BriefExtraordinarily Dull A.A. Member Must Be Plant To Test Everyone’s SobrietyNEW YORK—As the man recalled in excruciating detail his objectively normal childhood, sources attending an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting Thursday told reporters they suspected an extraordinarily dull member of being a plant intended to test…
News In BriefJohn Fetterman Offers Voters Medical Transparency By Ripping Heart Out Of ChestLANCASTER, PA—Responding to growing demands from critics that he address ongoing concerns about his health, U.S. Senate candidate John Fetterman reportedly offered voters full medical transparency at a rally Wednesday by ripping his heart out of…
News In BriefU.S. Landlord General Announces Plans To Fix Constant Flooding Sometime In Next Few Months
News In BriefGreg Abbott Sends Hundreds Of Migrants To DeSantis’ House To Teach Him Lesson About Stealing Idea
SlideshowConservative Commentators You Never Knew Started In HollywoodYou might not know it, but many of the most famous commentators on Fox News, OAN, and Infowars actually used to work as actors, directors, and writers. Here are today’s most famous conservative faces that got their start in Hollywood.
Now playing TikTokFDA Requires Cigarette Packs Have Image Of Cigarette Pack Which Itself Has Smaller Image Of Cigarette Pack To Make Smokers Question Where This All Ends
MagazineThe Cast Of ‘Abbott Elementary’: Where Are They Now? What Do You Mean They’re On Set Shooting The Show? Right Now? Wait…What Year Is It? Oh My God...
FootballDolphins Under Scrutiny After Tua Tagovailoa Seen Exiting Hospital With Head Hastily Taped Back On
FootballNFL Doctors Test Tua Tagovailoa’s Mental Acuity By Seeing If He Can Sign Indemnification Agreement
News In BriefBrett Favre Makes Amends By Sending Photo Of His Penis To Every Mississippian On Welfare
SlideshowWisconsinites Explain Why They Are Voting For Ron JohnsonThis November, Sen. Ron Johnson will face reelection in the state of Wisconsin. The Onion asked Wisconsinites why they are voting for the two-term Republican, and this is what they said.
