Ron DeSantis Clarifies That ‘Monkey’ Comment Was Intended As Subtle Enough Dog Whistle To Get Away With

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Facing backlash for warning voters not to “monkey this up” and vote for his black political opponent, Andrew Gillum, Republican gubernatorial candidate Ron DeSantis held a press conference Thursday to clarify that his comments were intended as a subtle enough dog whistle to racists that he could…

University Admits It Pretty Weird They Let Bunch Of 20-Year-Olds Live In Big Mansion And Torture Each Other

TUSCALOOSA, AL—Suddenly realizing that the tradition was actually sort of strange when one stopped to really think about it, University of Alabama administrators admitted to reporters Thursday that it was pretty weird that they let a bunch of 20-year-olds live in a big mansion and torture each other. “I guess allowing…

Political Scientists Reassure Americans That Stripping Minorities Of Citizenship Usually Where Descent Into Fascism Peters Out

CHAPEL HILL, NC—Responding to concern about the Trump administration accusing hundreds of Hispanic people living near the U.S.–Mexico border of having fraudulent birth certificates and revoking their passports, political scientists reassured Americans Thursday that stripping minority groups of their citizenship is…

Praying Mantis Hesitantly Agrees To Try Girlfriend’s Sexual Fantasy Of Eating His Head During Intercourse

CODAJÁS, BRAZIL—Saying that he was willing to try anything once, a praying mantis in the Amazon rainforest hesitantly agreed to his girlfriend’s sexual fantasy of eating his head during sex, sources confirmed Thursday. “Honestly, I was a little wary when she first told me she was fantasizing about devouring my head,…

Ryan Zinke Calls For Legislation To Slow Down Destruction Of Wildlife So He Can Truly Savor Every Minute Of It

WASHINGTON—Declaring the rapid decrease in the population of several endangered species “problematic,” Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke called for new legislation Thursday designed to slow the destruction of the nation’s wildlife so that he might relish every last minute of its extinction. “We need to preserve…

Woman Who Has Been Let Down By So Many Leave-In Conditioners Can’t Bear To Put Herself Out There Again

BILLINGS, MT—Resigning herself to the fact that perhaps she just wasn’t meant to have smooth, detangled hair, area woman Candace Fard confided to reporters Thursday that after being let down by yet another leave-in conditioner, she wasn’t sure she could ever put herself out there again. “I’ve been burned so many times…

Nick Foles Reveals He Turned Down Big Volunteer Opportunities At Church To Remain With Eagles

PHILADELPHIA—Revealing that after the Super Bowl he could have taken over several big-time bake sales, Nick Foles told reporters Thursday that he turned down significant volunteer opportunities at church to remain with the Philadelphia Eagles. “I had my fair share of great offers this offseason, but in the end, I…

6th-Graders Feel Kind Of Bad After Seeing How Easy It Was To Make Young Teacher Cry

KAUKAUNA, WI—Given pause after witnessing the consequences of their actions, members of a sixth-grade class at River View Middle School reported feeling kind of bad Wednesday after discovering how little effort it took to make their teacher, 23-year-old Kayla Martin, cry. “Oh, jeez, now I feel guilty—I realize we were…

Incredible Promotion: If You Go To The Store And Buy 5 Cowboy Hats And Send ClickHole A Picture Of Yourself Wearing Your Favorite One, You Can Keep Them All, No Questions Asked

Get excited, because ClickHole is offering an incredible promotion that you’re going to want to take advantage of ASAP: If you go to the store and buy five cowboy hats and send us a picture of yourself wearing your favorite one, you can keep all the hats, no questions asked.