OpinionChiefs Fans React To Travis Kelce Dating Taylor SwiftWith news spreading that pop star Taylor Swift is dating Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce, The Onion asked Chiefs fans what they thought about the power couple, and this is what they said.
Breaking NewsU.S. Mint Releases Collection Of Coins Featuring Child Molester From Every StateWASHINGTON—Unveiling a commemorative series created in honor of the nation’s most renowned pedophiles, the U.S. Mint announced the release Friday of a new collection of coins that featured a child molester from every state in the union. “This fun,…
Breaking NewsReleased U.S. Soldier Won’t Shut Up About North Korean CandySAN ANTONIO, TX—Claiming that the Army private looks for any opportunity to mention the sweets, sources confirmed Thursday that released U.S. soldier Travis King won’t shut up about North Korean candy. “He goes on and on about the sugar-coated…
PoliticsReport: Government Shutdown Could Imperil Hundreds Of Americans Currently At Top Of Federally Funded Ferris WheelsWASHINGTON—Warning about the grave fallout should Republicans and Democrats fail to find common ground in negotiations, a report released Thursday by the Congressional Budget Office found that a government shutdown could imperil hundreds of…
Breaking NewsTrader Joe’s Adds New Fitting Rooms Where Customers Can See How Food Will Look In Their Mouth
MagazineGeneration Derek: Born Between 5:04 And 5:05 P.M. On April 9, 1980, Meet The Generation That’s Just One Guy
EntertainmentHayao Miyazaki Announces Return To Filmmaking After Big Time Screwup At New HVAC Installation Job
LocalCouple Pities Man Eating Alone Instead Of In Complete Silence With Person He Can’t Stand AnymoreTOLEDO, OH—Finding themselves distracted and unable to enjoy their meal, local couple Monica and Kyle Hulud told reporters Wednesday they pitied the man at Rosie’s Italian Grille who was eating alone instead of in complete silence with a person he…
PoliticsRepublicans Explain Why They Should Be Trump’s Running MateWhile Donald Trump has yet to pick a running mate for 2024, several notable individuals are aggressively vying for the role. The Onion asked Republicans why they should be Trump’s VP, and this is what they said.
PoliticsSnickering Teen Angels Appear Before Mike Pence To Tell Him It’s Totally God’s Will To Keep Running For President
PoliticsZelensky Grabs Whatever Office Supplies He Can Get Hands On In Capitol, Saying He Needs It For War
MagazineGeneration Derek: Born Between 5:04 And 5:05 P.M. On April 9, 1980, Meet The Generation That’s Just One Guy
EntertainmentHayao Miyazaki Announces Return To Filmmaking After Big Time Screwup At New HVAC Installation Job
