The Onion | America's Finest News Source.

Common Lies Parents Tell Their Children All The Time

Worst Things To Say To Someone Who Is Sober

Taco Bell Testing Monthly Subscription Service

Pros And Cons Of Space Colonization

Slideshow

Starbucks Orders Baristas Hate The Most And Why

Being a cog in a multibillion dollar machine is bad enough without having to make caffeinated drinks all day for unhinged customers. Here are the orders Starbucks baristas hate the most and why.

News In Brief

Tucker Carlson Announces He Putting Life On Line By Getting Booster Shot For Investigation Into Covid Vaccine

News In Brief

Taliban Overtakes Lower Manhattan Days After Biden Administration Leaves NYC 9/11 Commemoration

NEW YORK—With the region descending into chaos much sooner than intelligence experts expected, the Taliban overtook Lower Manhattan Thursday, less than a week after the Biden administration left a memorial event at the site where the World Trade…

News In Brief

Geneticists Develop Hybrid Creature From Whatever Scraps Of DNA Lying Around Lab

DURHAM, NC—Throwing together a bunch of unused polynucleotides that would otherwise have gone to waste, a team of geneticists and biomedical engineers at Duke University told reporters Thursday they had developed a new hybrid creature from various…

News In Brief

Poll Finds Most Americans Would Swap Democracy For $100 Best Buy Gift Card

WASHINGTON—According to the results of a new poll released Thursday by the Pew Research Center, the majority of Americans would swap democracy for a $100 Best Buy gift card. “Our research found that 72% of Americans would agree to give up all free…

News In Brief

Democrats Face New Hurdle After Republicans Gerrymander All Left-Leaning Voters Into Single House District

News In Brief

Democrats Sick Of Being Blamed For Cowardice On Issues They Actually Just Don’t Care About

News In Brief

Night-Shift Janitor Leaves Behind Brilliant Solution To Israeli–Palestinian Conflict On U.N. Chalkboard

News In Brief

Police Officer’s Wife Still Dreads Getting Phone Call That Her Husband Has Been Vaccinated

News In Brief

Archaeologists Discover Concession Stand At Colosseum That Gouged Ancient Romans 10 Denarii For Small Clay Cup Of Wine

News In Brief

Enormous Headstone Must Mark Grave Of Person Whose Family Felt Overjoyed By Their Death

News In Brief

Can Of Soup Wounded By Proclamation That There Nothing To Eat In House

Politics

Show all

Slideshow

Members Of Congress Who Tested Positive For Covid-19 And How They Got It

Tackled by cloud of Covid-19 virus after getting into a verbal altercation with it on his lawn.

News In Brief

‘Rise Up, Patriots!’ Rand Paul Calls To Intubated Patients Lying Unconscious In Hospital ICU

News In Brief

Biden Presses Cybernetic Biden Replica On Growing Threat Of Automation

News In Brief

Nervous Biden Rushes Past Intimidating Circle Of Senators Smoking Weed On Capitol Steps

News In Brief

‘Take Your Place By My Side And We Can Rule New York Forever,’ Says Covid To Disgraced, Vengeful Andrew Cuomo

Local

Show all

News In Brief

Gravedigger Quietly Hangs Out On Periphery Of Funeral To See If Anybody Compliments The Hole

CENTERVILLE, OH—Hoping to overhear a kind word from the assembled mourners, local gravedigger Derek Finnegan was reportedly hanging out on the periphery of a funeral Friday to see if anybody complimented his hole. “I’ll just linger a little longer…

News In Brief

Horrified Anti-Vaxxer Discovers Every American Who Got Smallpox Vaccine In 19th Century Now Dead

News In Brief

Report: It Time For Neighbor Kid To Go Home

News In Brief

Man No One’s Looked Directly At In Weeks Concerned Everyone Can Tell He’s Balding

News In Brief

Report: Researcher Has To Step Away For Minute But Feel Free To Grab Either Cookie Or Carrots

Videos

Common Lies Parents Tell Their Children All The Time

Worst Things To Say To Someone Who Is Sober

Taco Bell Testing Monthly Subscription Service

Pros And Cons Of Space Colonization

Starbucks Orders Baristas Hate The Most And Why

Tucker Carlson Announces He Putting Life On Line By Getting Booster Shot For Investigation Into Covid Vaccine

Taliban Overtakes Lower Manhattan Days After Biden Administration Leaves NYC 9/11 Commemoration

Geneticists Develop Hybrid Creature From Whatever Scraps Of DNA Lying Around Lab

Poll Finds Most Americans Would Swap Democracy For $100 Best Buy Gift Card

Democrats Face New Hurdle After Republicans Gerrymander All Left-Leaning Voters Into Single House District

Democrats Sick Of Being Blamed For Cowardice On Issues They Actually Just Don’t Care About

Night-Shift Janitor Leaves Behind Brilliant Solution To Israeli–Palestinian Conflict On U.N. Chalkboard

Police Officer’s Wife Still Dreads Getting Phone Call That Her Husband Has Been Vaccinated

Archaeologists Discover Concession Stand At Colosseum That Gouged Ancient Romans 10 Denarii For Small Clay Cup Of Wine

Enormous Headstone Must Mark Grave Of Person Whose Family Felt Overjoyed By Their Death

Can Of Soup Wounded By Proclamation That There Nothing To Eat In House

Members Of Congress Who Tested Positive For Covid-19 And How They Got It

‘Rise Up, Patriots!’ Rand Paul Calls To Intubated Patients Lying Unconscious In Hospital ICU

Biden Presses Cybernetic Biden Replica On Growing Threat Of Automation

Nervous Biden Rushes Past Intimidating Circle Of Senators Smoking Weed On Capitol Steps

‘Take Your Place By My Side And We Can Rule New York Forever,’ Says Covid To Disgraced, Vengeful Andrew Cuomo

Gravedigger Quietly Hangs Out On Periphery Of Funeral To See If Anybody Compliments The Hole

Horrified Anti-Vaxxer Discovers Every American Who Got Smallpox Vaccine In 19th Century Now Dead

Report: It Time For Neighbor Kid To Go Home

Man No One’s Looked Directly At In Weeks Concerned Everyone Can Tell He’s Balding

Report: Researcher Has To Step Away For Minute But Feel Free To Grab Either Cookie Or Carrots

Signs It’s Time To Put Your Parents In A Nursing Home

What To Say When Someone Asks Why You Don’t Have Kids

Things Every Teacher Returning This Fall Is Dreading

Signs You Are Experiencing Ageism In The Workplace

We Beat ‘Deathloop’ On The First Try; Sorry It Was Just Too Easy For Gamers Like Us

Tips For Getting Started With ‘Deathloop’

Congratulations! OGN Is Awarding You An Extra Hour Of Screen Time Tonight Because You Got Such Good Grades

‘Bioshock’ Fans Will Love This: The Atlantic Ocean

5 Things To Know About ISIS-K

5 Things To Know About The IPCC Climate Report

5 Things To Know About ‘The Suicide Squad’

5 Things To Know About Elizabeth Holmes’ Trial

Post-Credits Scene Hints That Fans Can Probably Skip Rest Of Marvel Movies

We Thought It Might Be Cool To Write A Whole Issue Using A Ouija Board But We Were Wrong, It Sucks, It’s Dogshit

Norm Macdonald Sent To Hell For Mocking God’s Friend O.J. Simpson

Band Really Busting Asses To Earn Local Concertgoer’s Head Nod

Al Michaels Confident He Would Completely Nail It If Player Died On Field

Lions Fan Displays Supernatural Ability To Determine Every Draft Pick A Bust

Charles Barkley Insists Modern Stars Would Not Score 10 Points A Game In Tougher 1400s NBA

Top Contenders For The 2021 NFL Season

Taco Bell Testing Monthly Subscription Service

California Governor Gavin Newsom Survives Recall Vote

CRISPR Startup Looking To Bring Back Woolly Mammoth By 2027

Report: U.S. Poverty Fell To 9.1% Last Year Due To Pandemic Relief