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Historians Politely Remind Nation To Check What's Happened In Past Before Making Any Big Decisions
WASHINGTON—With the United States facing a daunting array of problems at home and abroad, leading historians courteously reminded the nation Thursday that when making tough choices, it never hurts to stop a moment, take a look at similar situations…
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Man Reflects On Cyclical Nature Of Existence After Learning McDonald’s Has Stopped Offering All-Day Breakfast Once Again
JOPLIN, MO—Overcome with a sense of spiritual profundity in response to the astonishing announcement, local man Edward Trask reportedly reflected on the cyclical nature of existence Thursday after learning fast-food giant McDonald’s would once more…
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TheOnion.com Has Been Designated As A Pandemic Shelter In The Event That Covid-19 Could Spread Through The Internet
As the coronavirus pandemic besets our cities from coast to coast, ravages our hospitals, and brings our nation’s once-flourishing economy grinding to a halt, the American people stare down the barrel of an uncertain future. The fate of our health,…
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Congress Sets Aside $1,200 In Trust For Each American Until They Prove They’re Responsible Enough To Handle It
WASHINGTON—Following days of partisan gridlock over its emergency economic stimulus plan, Congress announced sweeping new legislation Wednesday that would place $1,200 into trust funds for each individual American until they have proved they’re…
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Global Pandemic That Has Killed Thousands Giving Woman Just The Push She Needed To Organize Tupperware Cabinet
CHICAGO—Basking in the satisfaction of finally getting around to tackle a long-awaited project, local woman Carrie Wilhelm reportedly reflected Friday that the global coronavirus pandemic that has killed thousands gave her just the push she needed…
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