Man At Park Who Set Up Table Full Of Water Cups Has No Idea How Passing Marathon Runners Got Impression They Can Take Them

CHICAGO—Expressing his incredulity at the race participants’ level of entitlement, a local man who set up a table full of water cups at Grant Park told reporters Sunday he had no idea how passing marathon runners got the impression they could just take them. “I came here like I do every weekend to enjoy a leisurely…

Family Wishes Dad Could Find Healthier Way To Express Emotions Than Bursting Into Full-Blown Musical Number

PORTSMOUTH, NH—Saying that an inability to properly cope with his feelings often led them to come out in sudden and unexpected ways, the family of local man Drew Walton told reporters Friday that they wished he could find a healthier way to express his emotions than always bursting into a full-blown musical number.…

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Mohawked Rex Tillerson Warns U.S. Democracy Threatened By Plutocratic Fascist Pigs Fucking Over The Working Man

WASHINGTON—Challenging American citizens to band together, rise up, and break out of their “mind prisons,” mohawked former Secretary of State Rex Tillerson Thursday warned that U.S. democracy was being threatened by plutocratic fascist pigs fucking over the working man. “These totalitarian autocrats are coming to fuck…