‘We Will Not Repeat The Mistakes Of The 2016 Election,’ Vows Nation Still Using Internet

WASHINGTON—Promising that they had learned their lesson and would not fall into the same traps they did in the last presidential election cycle, the U.S. populace vowed Wednesday not to repeat the errors of 2016, while, at the same time, nearly every American voter continued to use the internet. “We’re not going to…

Mental Health Experts Recommend Calling Fratricide Prevention Hotline For Anyone Contemplating Killing Brother

WASHINGTON—In an effort to curb the more than 450,000 Americans annually who have ideations of taking their male sibling’s life, experts from the American Psychological Association strongly recommended Wednesday calling the Fratricide Prevention Hotline to anyone who might be contemplating killing their brother. “If…

‘Anthem’ Developers Assure Players Whiteboard With Words ‘Jetpack+Guns?’ Will Be Playable Game By Friday

EDMONTON, ALBERTA—Promising that they were tirelessly working to resolve issues with the long-anticipated blockbuster Anthem, developers at BioWare assured players this week that the whiteboard in their office that reads “Jetpack+Guns?” would be a fully functional and fleshed-out game by Friday. “We know the thousands…

Knicks Confident They Have The Cap Space To Ruin 2 Or 3 Promising Careers

NEW YORK—Insisting that he could easily lure several free agents into giving up their hopes for a championship, Knicks president Steve Mills confirmed Tuesday that he was confident the team had the requisite cap space to ruin two or three promising careers this offseason. “After making moves at the trade deadline to…

‘That First Date Is Going Terribly,’ Think Diners Watching Couple Celebrate 5th Anniversary

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Noting the couple’s dull conversation and bored expressions while dining at the otherwise enchanting Pepper Tree Restaurant, bystanders marked all the telltale signs of a terrible first date Tuesday as Crystal and Jacob Rubens celebrated their fifth wedding anniversary at a quiet, candlelit table.…

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