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The Land Of The Free: 10 Ways You KNOW You’re Living In The Greatest Country On Earth

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White House Vows To Have Something To Stick Into Your Arm By October

WASHINGTON—Stressing that the vial would be filled with liquid odds and ends, President Donald Trump vowed Friday to have something to stick into your arm by October. “Today, I pledge to all citizens of this great nation that within the next few…

Illustration for Gamers, We Should Be Thrilled To Share These New PS5 Images With You, But In Reality We’ve Been Dreading It Because Sometimes You Guys Are Fucking Mean

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Gamers, We Should Be Thrilled To Share These New PS5 Images With You, But In Reality We’ve Been Dreading It Because Sometimes You Guys Are Fucking Mean

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Voting Rights Lawsuits That Could Affect The 2020 Election

A record 170 lawsuits have been filed around the country concerning voting rights, particularly in regard to the Covid-19 pandemic, and could have a significant impact on voting in November. The Onion looks at some of the most prominent voting…

News in Brief

Tom Brady Not Sure How To Ask Coach For Tape Of Other Team’s Practice

TAMPA, FL—Expressing concerns that Tampa Bay had not yet undertaken the basic prep he used to do in New England, quarterback Tom Brady confessed Thursday that he wasn’t sure how to ask Buccaneers head coach Bruce Arians for tape of their opponent’s…

News in Brief

Fox News Slams CNN For Providing Biden Each Question Seconds Before He Answered It

WASHINGTON—Expressing outrage that the network’s moderators would stoop so low on a nationally televised town hall, Fox News pundits slammed CNN Friday for providing Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden each question seconds before he…

News in Brief

Conservative Evangelical Asks God To Give Her Strength To Incorporate Forced Hysterectomies Into Belief System

News in Brief

Man Confident He Would’ve Been Against Slavery If He Was Alive During 1960s

News in Brief

Knowledge That It Could Kill Him Actually Making Man Appreciate Day At Disney World A Lot More

News in Brief

Scientists Study Brains Of Baseball Fans To Find Out How They Stay Interested During First 7 Innings

News in Brief

Pope Francis Gets Self Thrown Into Hell As Part Of Plot To Take Down High-Level Demon Ring

News in Brief

Conservative Conspiracy Theorist Outraged After Stumbling Upon Entire Netflix Section Dedicated To Kids

Branded Content from Onion Labs

This Can’t Be Real! 9 Mind-Blowing Links That Will Take You To Visible’s Website Where You Can Purchase Their Services

Politics

News in Brief

Democratic Process In Peril As Millions Of Americans Chase After Mail-In Ballots Caught In Wind

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Confirming the nation’s social contract was on the brink of collapse, researchers from Harvard University’s Kennedy School of Government warned Thursday the democratic process was in peril as millions of registered voters chased after…

News in Brief

Trump Vigorously Defends Kenosha Shooter As Racist White Supremacist

News in Brief

DNC Concerned Warm, Cozy Beds On Brisk November Morning Could Keep Voters From Going To Polls On Election Day

News in Brief

Defensive Bob Woodward Claims He Withheld Interview Since Journalism Hasn’t Worked On Trump So Far

News in Brief

DNC Pours All Campaign Funding Into New York, California To Win Popular Vote By Even Greater Margin Than 2016

The Topical

Girl Scout Troop Raises Over $100,000 To Buy Corvette Because Fuck It, It’s Their Money, They Can Do What They Want

The Topical

Diary Entries Reveal Benjamin Franklin’s Kite Experiment Was Early Attempt At Erotic Electrostimulation

The Topical

Nation Calls For Return Of Theme Songs That Explain Show’s Whole Deal

Local

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Couple Thankfully Not Well-Liked Enough To Have Superspreader Wedding

PORTSMOUTH, NH—Following the bride-and-groom-to-be’s decision to celebrate their union with loved ones despite the ongoing pandemic, sources reported Thursday that local couple Caitlin Hughes and Thomas Radke were thankfully not well-liked enough…

News in Brief

Woman Just Wants To Date Guy Who Can Make Her Laugh, Like Cartman

News In Photos

Cool Dog Doesn’t Give A Shit About Other Dog Passing Him On Sidewalk

News In Photos

Woman’s Face Deteriorates Into Grey, Cracked Husk After Missing Single Day Of Skincare Routine

News in Brief

Students Without Internet Access To Attend Remotely By Peering Through Home Window Of Wealthier Classmate

Slideshows

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What To Read While Social Distancing

Slideshow

10 Breathtaking Photos That Perfectly Capture The Unwavering Spirit Of Scissors

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How To Stay Connected To Others During Social Distancing

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11 Simple Cocktail Recipes To Try While Quarantining

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Gamers, We Should Be Thrilled To Share These New PS5 Images With You, But In Reality We’ve Been Dreading It Because Sometimes You Guys Are Fucking Mean

Illustration for Console Wars: Sony Undercuts Xbox’s $500 Price By Printing Counterfeit Bills To Cause Hyperinflation And Make The American Dollar Worthless

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Console Wars: Sony Undercuts Xbox’s $500 Price By Printing Counterfeit Bills To Cause Hyperinflation And Make The American Dollar Worthless

Illustration for Incredible ‘Sims’ Cosplay: This Guy Pissed Himself And Immediately Cried About It

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The Land Of The Free: 10 Ways You KNOW You’re Living In The Greatest Country On Earth

The Onion Remembers Steve Bannon, Trump’s Most Encrusted Advisor

The Best NBA Players Of All Time

Editorial Cartoon: Blazing Fall Color

White House Vows To Have Something To Stick Into Your Arm By October

Gamers, We Should Be Thrilled To Share These New PS5 Images With You, But In Reality We’ve Been Dreading It Because Sometimes You Guys Are Fucking Mean

Voting Rights Lawsuits That Could Affect The 2020 Election

Tom Brady Not Sure How To Ask Coach For Tape Of Other Team’s Practice

Fox News Slams CNN For Providing Biden Each Question Seconds Before He Answered It

Conservative Evangelical Asks God To Give Her Strength To Incorporate Forced Hysterectomies Into Belief System

Man Confident He Would’ve Been Against Slavery If He Was Alive During 1960s

Knowledge That It Could Kill Him Actually Making Man Appreciate Day At Disney World A Lot More

Scientists Study Brains Of Baseball Fans To Find Out How They Stay Interested During First 7 Innings

Pope Francis Gets Self Thrown Into Hell As Part Of Plot To Take Down High-Level Demon Ring

Conservative Conspiracy Theorist Outraged After Stumbling Upon Entire Netflix Section Dedicated To Kids

This Can’t Be Real! 9 Mind-Blowing Links That Will Take You To Visible’s Website Where You Can Purchase Their Services

Democratic Process In Peril As Millions Of Americans Chase After Mail-In Ballots Caught In Wind

Trump Vigorously Defends Kenosha Shooter As Racist White Supremacist

DNC Concerned Warm, Cozy Beds On Brisk November Morning Could Keep Voters From Going To Polls On Election Day

Defensive Bob Woodward Claims He Withheld Interview Since Journalism Hasn’t Worked On Trump So Far

DNC Pours All Campaign Funding Into New York, California To Win Popular Vote By Even Greater Margin Than 2016

Girl Scout Troop Raises Over $100,000 To Buy Corvette Because Fuck It, It’s Their Money, They Can Do What They Want

Diary Entries Reveal Benjamin Franklin’s Kite Experiment Was Early Attempt At Erotic Electrostimulation

Nation Calls For Return Of Theme Songs That Explain Show’s Whole Deal

Couple Thankfully Not Well-Liked Enough To Have Superspreader Wedding

Woman Just Wants To Date Guy Who Can Make Her Laugh, Like Cartman

Cool Dog Doesn’t Give A Shit About Other Dog Passing Him On Sidewalk

Woman’s Face Deteriorates Into Grey, Cracked Husk After Missing Single Day Of Skincare Routine

Students Without Internet Access To Attend Remotely By Peering Through Home Window Of Wealthier Classmate

What To Read While Social Distancing

10 Breathtaking Photos That Perfectly Capture The Unwavering Spirit Of Scissors

How To Stay Connected To Others During Social Distancing

11 Simple Cocktail Recipes To Try While Quarantining

Gamers, We Should Be Thrilled To Share These New PS5 Images With You, But In Reality We’ve Been Dreading It Because Sometimes You Guys Are Fucking Mean

Console Wars: Sony Undercuts Xbox’s $500 Price By Printing Counterfeit Bills To Cause Hyperinflation And Make The American Dollar Worthless

Incredible ‘Sims’ Cosplay: This Guy Pissed Himself And Immediately Cried About It

Bad News: Toad Died

5 Things To Know About ‘Bill & Ted Face The Music’

5 Things To Know About The California Wildfires

5 Things To Know About Postmaster General Louis DeJoy

A Look At The Class Of 2024

Conservative Conspiracy Theorist Outraged After Stumbling Upon Entire Netflix Section Dedicated To Kids

Exasperated Plumber Explains To Kanye West Why Flushing Awards Bad For Toilet

The Onion’s 2020 Emmy Predictions

Wiz Khalifa Figures He Too Far Into Career To Start Rhyming Now

Scientists Study Brains Of Baseball Fans To Find Out How They Stay Interested During First 7 Innings

The Onion’s Fantasy Football Expert Gives His Pro Tips For Managing Your Team

Tom Brady Not Sure How To Ask Coach For Tape Of Other Team’s Practice

Kawhi Leonard Worried He’s Grown Too Accustomed To Fancy Hotel With Free Wi-Fi

Virtual 2020 Emmy Awards Will Be Live Event

Barbados To Remove Queen Elizabeth As Head Of State

‘Scientific American’ Endorses Presidential Candidate For First Time In 175 Year History

Madonna To Direct, Co-Write Her Own Biopic