Bill Cosby Attacks Disrespectful Behavior, Skyrocketing Crime Rate Among Elderly Black Male Comedians
New NFL Safety Rule Encourages Players To Take Out More Aggression Off The Field
NEW YORK—Explaining that the regulation would help provide a safer game environment, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell held a press conference Tuesday to announce a new rule that encourages professional football players to take out their aggression off the field. “Player safety is our chief priority, so rather than…
ISIS Attacks Drop In West
ISIS attacks in the West fell sharply in 2018 as law enforcement increasingly foiled such plots with better intelligence and increased preparation. What do you think?
Proposed Legislation Would Require Airline Seats Meet Federal Ass Standards
WASHINGTON—In response to numerous complaints from consumers with U.S.-regulation buttocks, congressional lawmakers proposed new legislation Tuesday that would require airline seats to meet federal ass standards. “The average ass, as mandated by the Federal Ass Standards Act, needs to have at least 34-35 inches of…
Kavanaugh Says It’s Super Embarrassing And Sad That Christine Blasey Ford Still In Love With Him
WASHINGTON—Saying the continued attention from his former flame was beginning to border on obsession, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh told reporters Tuesday it’s super embarrassing and sad that Christine Blasey Ford is still in love with him. “It’s just so awkward that she keeps holding a candle for me even…
Everyone At U.N. Watching Trump Speak Can’t Believe They Used To Consider U.S. A Superpower
NEW YORK—Shaking their heads in disbelief at their past views, everyone present at the United Nations summit watching President Donald Trump deliver a speech Tuesday reportedly couldn’t believe they used to consider the United States a superpower. “I mean, wow, we would base most of our decisions on what the U.S. was…
Toddlers Debate Whether ‘Dora’s Explorer Girls’ Canon Or Expanded Universe
FOSTER CITY, CA—Engaged in heated discussion over the artistic license taken in the creation of the animated show, local toddlers Lucas Leora and Mimi Raymond fiercely debated Tuesday whether Dora’s Explorer Girls was canon or part of Dora The Explorer’s expanded universe. “Listen, I’ve watched all the episodes, and…
Man Wondering If There Might Be Some Sort Of Website Featuring Footage Of Sexual Acts One May View For Purposes Of Self-Gratification
DAVENPORT, IA—Musing philosophically on the deeply pleasurable possibilities, local man and potential electronic voyeur Tanner Mitchell, 27, wondered Tuesday whether there existed some form of website featuring footage of live sexual acts that interested parties might view for the purposes of self-gratification. “It…
LeBron James To Star In ‘Space Jam’ Sequel
LeBron James will star in a sequel to the 1996 sports comedy Space Jam, a live-action and animated film that featured Michael Jordan and the Looney Tunes characters facing off on the courts against a team of nefarious aliens. What do you think?
Mom Announces Plans To Get Out Some Of Your Old Baby Stuff And Quietly Stare At It
PHOENIX—Murmuring to herself about how breathtakingly small you once were, your mother formally announced Tuesday her plans to get out some of your old baby stuff and quietly stare at it. “Sometimes, seemingly out of nowhere, I remember what a happy baby you were,” said your mom, confirming her intention to sit in…
Chicago Considers Universal Income To Tackle Poverty
Chicago will form a task force to consider implementing a universal basic income program, which would make monthly payments to a number of Chicago families without any conditions. What do you think?
Catholic Church Releases New Molestation-Proof Altar Boy Uniform
VATICAN CITY—Claiming the vestments represent a vital step in ameliorating the church’s centuries-long history of addressing sexual abuse with subsequent cover-ups, the Catholic Church introduced a line of wrought iron molestation-proof altar boy uniforms Monday. “With these new impenetrable steel robes, Catholic…
Report: This Week’s All Fucking Hell Breaking Loose Projected To Be 30% More Insane Than Last Week’s Complete Shitshow
WASHINGTON—Revealing that the “you aren’t going to fucking believe this” metrics were currently measuring off the goddamn charts, experts at the Center for Advanced Bullshit Studies published a report Monday that this week’s all hell breaking loose was projected to be 30 percent more insane than last week’s complete…
Experts Say Puerto Rico Still Extremely Vulnerable To Future U.S. Government
SAN JUAN, PUERTO RICO—More than a year after the U.S. territory was left devastated in the wake of Hurricane Maria, experts say that the island of Puerto Rico, along with the 3.7 million U.S. citizens who live there, will remain extremely vulnerable to U.S. governments in the foreseeable future. “This is the worst…
SpaceX Announces First Private Passenger To Fly To Moon
Elon Musk announced that Japanese billionaire Yusaku Maezawa will be the passenger for the first-ever private mission to the moon in 2023. Maezawa hopes to bring along up to eight artists with him to inspire creativity based on space voyages. What do you think?
