Breaking NewsNation’s Dive Bar Couples Announce Plan To Sloppily Make Out After Screaming MatchMOBILE, AL—Stumbling around and shouting to anyone who was willing to listen, the nation’s visibly intoxicated dive bar couples held a press conference Monday to announce their plan to sloppily make out with each other after engaging in a screaming…
BaseballDad’s Entire Parenting Strategy Just Ensuring Son Doesn’t Become Yankees FanNEW CANAAN, CT—Sources familiar with the man’s role in his child’s life confirmed to reporters Monday that local dad Marcus Weir’s parenting strategy is solely focused on ensuring his son doesn’t become a New York Yankees fan. Beginning shortly…
LocalFamily Has Rule Where They Don’t Eat Cell Phones At DinnerCORVALLIS, OR—After insisting that her husband and children put away their devices while they were at the table, local mom Lana Pickens explained to reporters Monday that her family had a rule about never eating cell phones at dinner. “This is the…
EntertainmentFans Speculate Who Taylor Swift Might Be Talking About In New Song ‘My Weird Little Racist Guy’NEW YORK—Pointing out possible clues hidden in the lyrics, Taylor Swift fans were reportedly speculating Friday who the pop star might be talking about in her new song “My Weird Little Racist Guy.” “The line about him being ‘really creepy’ totally…
MagazineWell, The Big Takeaways From Our Annual Seals Issue Are 1) Those Fuckers Bite, And 2) Your Other Fingers Are Worth Jack Shit Without A Thumb
PoliticsMatt Gaetz Takes Out Half-Page Ad In House Bill Congratulating Teen Girl On High School Graduation
LocalDrone Operator Takes Out Few Civilians To Seem Busy As Supervisor Walks ByARLINGTON, VA—Scrambling to tab away from the social media feed he had been scrolling through mere moments before, local military contractor Todd Roose reportedly took out a few Syrian civilians Thursday to seem busy as his supervisor walked by.…
PoliticsRon DeSantis Relaunches Presidential Campaign From Inside Burning TeslaTALLAHASSEE, FL—Attempting his formal announcement again in an effort to compensate for last night’s glitch-ridden debacle on Twitter, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis reportedly relaunched his presidential campaign Thursday from inside a burning Tesla.…
EntertainmentFans Speculate Who Taylor Swift Might Be Talking About In New Song ‘My Weird Little Racist Guy’
