News in Brief
Jared Kushner Says States Should Have Planned Ahead Before Joining The Union
WASHINGTON—Speaking at a press conference to address the growing Covid-19 pandemic, White House senior advisor Jared Kushner admonished resource-stricken states this week that they should have shown some foresight and planned ahead before joining…
News in Brief
‘They’re Doing Something To The Street,’ Reports Nation Staring Out Window
WASHINGTON—Explaining that they heard some kind of big commotion and decided to check out what was going on, the U.S. populace announced Thursday “They’re doing something to the street” while staring out of their windows. “Whoa, they’ve got a big…
Video Game Review
Review: ‘Resident Evil 3’ Remaster Makes Game Even Scarier By Replacing The Nemesis With Romanian Dictator Nicolae Ceaușescu
When Capcom announced they would be continuing their series of blockbuster remasters, gamers got pumped to finally jump back into the shoes of S.T.A.R.S Member Jill Valentine in her daring escape from Raccoon City. But what fans were most excited…
News in Brief
BREAKING: This Is A Test Of The Onion’s Emergency Headline System
CHICAGO—WARNING WARNING ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT, sources confirmed Thursday that this is a test of The Onion’s Emergency Headline System. Please excuse this interruption from your previously scheduled headlines while The Onion reviews its emergency…
Politics
Show allShow all Politics stories
News in Brief
Congress Sets Aside $1,200 In Trust For Each American Until They Prove They’re Responsible Enough To Handle It
WASHINGTON—Following days of partisan gridlock over its emergency economic stimulus plan, Congress announced sweeping new legislation Wednesday that would place $1,200 into trust funds for each individual American until they have proved they’re…
Local
Show allShow all Local stories
News in Brief
It Instantly Clear Girlfriend Used To Fuck Guy Being Mentioned In Anecdote
HAVERFORD, PA—Noticing a marked mid-anecdote shift in tone as well as several meaningfully deliberate pauses, local boyfriend Anton Bridgewater instantly concluded Wednesday that his girlfriend, Leya Ferguson, used to fuck the guy she mentioned…
Videos
Show allShow all videos
Entertainment
Show allShow all
Sports
Show allShow all
