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Common Job Interview Questions That Are Actually Illegal

Bird Facts Page-A-Day Calendar On A Real Hot Streak

Timeline Of The New ‘Jeopardy’ Host Debacle

Editorial Cartoon: ‘The Renew Frontier’

Slideshow

What To Say When Someone Asks Why You Don’t Have Kids

Deciding not to become a parent is a deeply personal choice, but for some, it’s also the perfect excuse to start a loud and dumb conversation. If someone asks you why you don’t have kids, this is exactly what you should say.

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DeSantis Locks Down Florida After Spread Of Covid Vaccination Gets Out Of Hand

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Report: Click On Some Ads Around This Article And We’ll Split The Loot 60/40

CHICAGO—Offering readers a nice little kickback in exchange for their assistance, a report released Friday promised that if you click on some ads around this article, The Onion would spit the loot 60/40. “We can confirm that your efforts to click on…

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Humanitarian Organization ‘Doctors Without Dimensions’ Phases Into War-Torn Nonlinear Universe

THE MULTIVERSE—Responding to an ongoing multi-gigannum conflict that had been ravaging innumerous timelines in a single second for 500,000 years, humanitarian organization Doctors Without Dimensions reportedly phased into a war-torn nonlinear…

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Charlie Watts Confused After Running Into Keith Richards In The Afterlife

THE HEAVENS—Recently deceased former Rolling Stones drummer Charlie Watts was reportedly confused Thursday after running into old bandmate Keith Richards in the afterlife. “Keith, man, long time no—wait, what are you doing here?” the ethereal form…

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Apologetic Nurse Informs Man Having Heart Attack There’s About An Hour Wait Until Next Covid Patient Dies

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Medical Experts Hopeful That Gene Editing Will Soon Allow Sick Kids To Have Super Weird Pets

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Vaccine Skeptic Does Own Research By Enrolling 45,000 Friends In Double-Blind Clinical Trial

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Signs Your Boss Might Actually Hate You

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Critically Acclaimed ‘Ted Lasso’ Episode Just Stock Photos Of People Hugging Each Other

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Breaking: You Have Reached Your Free Article Limit

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Man In 2055 Accidentally Uploads Virtual Penis Directly Into Colleagues’ Brains

Politics

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Members Of Congress Who Tested Positive For Covid-19 And How They Got It

Tackled by cloud of Covid-19 virus after getting into a verbal altercation with it on his lawn.

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Biden Presses Cybernetic Biden Replica On Growing Threat Of Automation

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‘Rise Up, Patriots!’ Rand Paul Calls To Intubated Patients Lying Unconscious In Hospital ICU

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‘Take Your Place By My Side And We Can Rule New York Forever,’ Says Covid To Disgraced, Vengeful Andrew Cuomo

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Nervous Biden Rushes Past Intimidating Circle Of Senators Smoking Weed On Capitol Steps

Local

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Man Mid-Shower Facing Grim Realization He’ll Have To Retrieve Face Wash He Left On Sink

TEMPE, AZ—Struggling to come to terms with the harsh departure from his morning routine, local man Michael Simpson reportedly faced the grim reality Tuesday that he would have to leave his warm shower to retrieve the face wash he left on the sink.…

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Man Moving To Pacific Northwest Shopping Around For Nice Fire-Resistant Jacket

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New Dad Loves Getting To Re-Experience Some Of His Favorite Animal Noises With Kids

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Defeated Man Too Tired To Fight New $14.99 Fee On Phone Bill

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Scientist Really Thought Job Would Be Less Grant Writing And More Glow-In-The-Dark Lizard Making

Videos

Image for Key Members Of The House January 6 Committee

Common Job Interview Questions That Are Actually Illegal

Bird Facts Page-A-Day Calendar On A Real Hot Streak

Timeline Of The New ‘Jeopardy’ Host Debacle

Editorial Cartoon: ‘The Renew Frontier’

What To Say When Someone Asks Why You Don’t Have Kids

DeSantis Locks Down Florida After Spread Of Covid Vaccination Gets Out Of Hand

Report: Click On Some Ads Around This Article And We’ll Split The Loot 60/40

Humanitarian Organization ‘Doctors Without Dimensions’ Phases Into War-Torn Nonlinear Universe

Charlie Watts Confused After Running Into Keith Richards In The Afterlife

Apologetic Nurse Informs Man Having Heart Attack There’s About An Hour Wait Until Next Covid Patient Dies

Medical Experts Hopeful That Gene Editing Will Soon Allow Sick Kids To Have Super Weird Pets

Vaccine Skeptic Does Own Research By Enrolling 45,000 Friends In Double-Blind Clinical Trial

Signs Your Boss Might Actually Hate You

Critically Acclaimed ‘Ted Lasso’ Episode Just Stock Photos Of People Hugging Each Other

Breaking: You Have Reached Your Free Article Limit

Man In 2055 Accidentally Uploads Virtual Penis Directly Into Colleagues’ Brains

Members Of Congress Who Tested Positive For Covid-19 And How They Got It

Biden Presses Cybernetic Biden Replica On Growing Threat Of Automation

‘Rise Up, Patriots!’ Rand Paul Calls To Intubated Patients Lying Unconscious In Hospital ICU

‘Take Your Place By My Side And We Can Rule New York Forever,’ Says Covid To Disgraced, Vengeful Andrew Cuomo

Nervous Biden Rushes Past Intimidating Circle Of Senators Smoking Weed On Capitol Steps

Man Mid-Shower Facing Grim Realization He’ll Have To Retrieve Face Wash He Left On Sink

Man Moving To Pacific Northwest Shopping Around For Nice Fire-Resistant Jacket

New Dad Loves Getting To Re-Experience Some Of His Favorite Animal Noises With Kids

Defeated Man Too Tired To Fight New $14.99 Fee On Phone Bill

Scientist Really Thought Job Would Be Less Grant Writing And More Glow-In-The-Dark Lizard Making

Most Insane Things That Happen To Your Body After You Die

Richest Billionaires In The World And How They Avoid Paying Taxes

Things McDonald’s Would Hate If You Knew About Their Restaurants

Common Lies Your Doctor Will See Right Through

Exciting News, Gamers: The Vengeful Nobleman We’re Always Mocking Has Invited Us To Try A Rare Video Game In The Catacombs Of His Estate

Hard To Watch: Thwomp Is Throwing A Fit After Realizing He’s Not A Big Enough ‘Mario’ Enemy To Get A Walk-In Table At The French Laundry

Tips For Getting Started On ‘Psychonauts 2’

Sad News, ‘Mario’ Fans: The Expanding Surveillance State Is Making It Impossible For Boos To Move Around And Live Their Lives Freely

Key Members Of The House January 6 Committee

5 Things To Know About ‘Jungle Cruise’

‘Macarena’ Turns 25

5 Things To Know About ‘Black Widow’

Timeline Of The New ‘Jeopardy’ Host Debacle

Charlie Watts Confused After Running Into Keith Richards In The Afterlife

Using A Pitching Machine To Fire An Apple Into Your Mouth At 90 MPH: Do The Risks Outweigh The Benefits?

The Onion’s Guide To ASMR

Man Way Too Deep Into Fantasy League To Ask What ‘PPR’ Means Now

Simone Biles Drops In On Pickup Gymnastics Meet In Rucker Park

Professional Athletes’ Opinions On The Covid-19 Vaccine

Dog Frustrated After Jameis Winston Sails Tennis Ball 5 Feet Over Head

Poll Finds 65% Of U.S. Workers Actively Searching For New Job

Blackwater Founder Charging $6.5K To Fly People Out Of Afghanistan

Naked ‘Nevermind’ Baby Sues Nirvana For ‘Child Pornography’

Airbnb To Provide Temporary Housing For 20,000 Afghan Refugees