Political Scientists Baffled By Trump’s Ability To End Something He Had No Control Over Just Days Ago

NEW HAVEN, CT—At a loss to explain the mysterious nature of the president’s powers, political scientists were reportedly baffled Wednesday by Donald Trump’s ability to end the practice of separating families who cross the U.S. border seeking asylum mere days after stating that he had no control over it. “Just…

Exonerated: This Convicted Murderer Was Released From Prison After 20 Years When An Online Quiz Sorted Him Into Gryffindor

When Walter Anderson was convicted of murdering a convenience store clerk two decades ago, it seemed like he would be in prison for the rest of his life. However, an incredible nonprofit pressured the courts to revisit Walter’s case, and thanks to new forensic tools, he received some incredible news: After spending 20…

Americans Finally Recognize Own Country Again After President Does Half-Assed Job Walking Back Humanitarian Crimes

WASHINGTON—Claiming that the newly signed executive order ending the separation of immigrant families at the border was a return to the United States’ most foundational principles, Americans reportedly finally recognized their own country again Wednesday after witnessing the president do a half-assed job walking back…

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Onion Social CEO Promises Algorithm Will Now Automatically Label Racist, Sexist Content As ‘Debatable’

PALO ALTO, CA—Responding to concerns about offensive images and posts appearing on user’s feeds, Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum announced Wednesday that the site’s algorithm has been updated to automatically label racist and sexist content as “Debatable.” “We’re sympathetic to anything that makes the site…

Onion Social Denies Rising Global Temperatures Linked To 50,000 Coal Plants Running Round The Clock To Power Site

PALO ALTO, CA—Asserting that critics could not show a connection between recent global climate change and the 185 billion tons of CO2 their facilities pumped into the atmosphere each day, Onion Social denied that the massive worldwide increase in temperatures since Monday was linked to the 50,000 coal-fired plants…

Onion Social CEO Addresses User Privacy Concerns By Adding New ‘Are You Sure?’ Prompt To Doxing Feature

PALO ALTO, CA—Stressing that all Onion Social users should feel comfortable navigating the site’s revolutionary components, CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum announced on Wednesday plans to address users’ privacy concerns with the addition of a new “Are You Sure?” prompt to Onion Social’s doxing feature. “We firmly believe that…