WASHINGTONâExercising his powers of clemency for the first time since taking office, President Trump compassionately issued a full presidential pardon Monday for former Special Counsel Robert S. Mueller that cleared him of any wrongdoing. âToday, under my authority as president of the United States, I hereby grant aâŚ
BOULDER, COâAdmitting he now felt âa bit foolish,â 34-year-old local artist Austin Vermillion was reportedly beginning to realize Monday just how wrong heâs been after spending the last two years drawing pictures of Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin making out. âIn light of the release of the Attorney Generalâs summaryâŚ
WASHINGTONâFollowing the completion of the special counselâs 22-month probe, Attorney General William P. Barr declared Monday that Robert Muellerâs investigation fully exonerates all members of Ronald Reaganâs presidential administration from involvement in the IranâContra affair. âIâve reviewed Mr. Muellerâs findingsâŚ
While stopping short of a full exoneration, Robert Muellerâs investigation found no evidence of collusion between the president and Russia in the 2016 election, according to a summary from Attorney General William Barr. What do you think?
FOXBORO, MAâIn an emotional speech announcing his retirement after a nine-year NFL career with the New England Patriots, Rob Gronkowski reportedly admitted Monday that heâll miss his teammatesâ blurry faces and the fans spinning perpetually in the stands. âItâs really hard to know that Iâll never again stumble off theâŚ
TOLEDO, OHâDelaying his usual afternoon session until such time as he felt genuine creative purpose, local man Andy Conrad decided to wait for a spark of inspiration before getting started on his masturbating. âIâve been putting it off for most of the day because I really need to be in the right state of mind,â saidâŚ
Google has announced Stadia, a gaming platform and controller that they claim will provide better-than-console quality graphics to web browsers through high-quality streaming. What do you think?
BRANFORD, CTâAfter countless hours memorizing the map, familiarizing themselves with the various weapons, and refining tactics for all character mixes, the skill of top Apex Legends players reached the point this week where the game is impossible for average people to enjoy. âItâs really gratifying that Iâm goodâŚ
The 50th anniversary concert of Woodstock announced its lineup this week, including headliners The Killers, Dead & Company, and Jay-Z as taking part in a commemoration of the historic â60s concert. What do you think?
HOFFMAN ESTATES, ILâIn an effort to eliminate the middleman and sell directly to the public, a new Serta wholesaler that opened Friday reportedly allows customers to select and cut their own lengths of mattresses. âI like that I have the flexibility to get just the amount I want instead of being confined to theâŚ
NEW YORKâShedding new light on the environmental factors influencing womenâs views of royal privilege and responsibility, a study released Friday by New York Universityâs Department of Psychology found that the majority of girls who play princess develop skewed and possibly unrealistic perceptions of the role of theâŚ
Due to an alleged server error, social network Myspace has lost millions of photos, videos, and songs published on the website before 2016. What do you think?
NEW YORKâIn a move touted as a major victory for the rights of New Yorker public transportation passengers who are this close to fucking losing it, the Metropolitan Transit Authority unveiled a new designated seating system Friday designed to accommodate commuters who seem to be just about to snap. âFor too manyâŚ
COLUMBIA, SCâFrantically pacing and weighing the fallout of skipping the game, Duke forward Zion Williamson was panicking Friday after realizing his NCAA tournament game against North Dakota State falls on the same night as his theater clubâs production of In The Heights. âOh man, oh man, I canât believe this isâŚ
A recent proposal by Democratic presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren to break up big tech companies like Apple, Google, and Amazon has revived debate over whether they have too much power. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of breaking up the big tech companies.
While fielding questions from journalists, President Trump stated that he looks forward to the release of the investigation into the 2016 election, saying, âLet it come out. Let people see itâthatâs up to the attorney general.â What do you think?Â
WASHINGTONâDoubling down on his criticism of the departed lawmaker in the face of bipartisan condemnation, President Trump ramped up his attacks Thursday against the late John McCain by exhuming the senatorâs corpse and dragging it behind his presidential motorcade. âIâm having some trouble understanding the strategyâŚ
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