The Onion | America's Finest News Source.

Social Media Mistakes That Could Definitely Cost You Your Job

New Hanes Shapewear Compresses Woman Into Flattering Trapezoid

The Onion’s Guide To Web3

Editorial Cartoon: ‘Sobering Effects’

News In Brief

Wayfair Shopper Who Didn’t Read Dimensions Would Never Have Bought Sofa If She Knew It Was 300 Feet Tall

OLATHE, KS—Kicking herself for failing to read the product’s dimensions, local woman Annalisa Farrell told reporters Friday that she never would have bought her new Wayfair sofa had she known it was 300 feet tall. “Goddamnit, this is all my fault,”…

Slideshow

Lies Men Will Tell To Get You To Sleep With Them

News In Brief

Hospital Unveils New Delivery Taprooms For Bonding With Newborn Over Couple Beers

DENVER—Calling the first 48 hours of a child’s life a critical period of parental development, the University of Colorado Hospital Birth Center announced the opening Thursday of its first delivery taprooms, in which parents can spend time bonding…

News In Brief

‘I Don’t Love You Anymore And I’m Taking The Kids’ Talk Goes Surprisingly Well

AKRON, OH—Relieved by his measured and accepting reaction, local woman Megan Sjogren told reporters Friday that the “I don’t love you anymore and I’m taking the kids” talk she had with her husband went surprisingly well. “I was so nervous to look…

News In Brief

Study: More Parents Opting For One Big Baby Over Multi-Child Household

HYATTSVILLE, MD—In what has emerged as an increasingly popular parenting option, a new study released Wednesday by the National Center for Health Statistics has found that more parents are declining to have multiple children in favor of having just…

News In Brief

Newly Uncovered Manuscript Reveals China Invented English Language 700 Years Before Western World

News In Brief

Shitty Music Has Helped Moron Through Hardest Times In His Pointless Life

Golf

PGA Golfer Hoping To Hit The Office If Round Finishes Early

News In Brief

Breakthrough Procedure Allows Surgeons To Transplant Pig Rib Directly Into Human Mouth

Infographic

Wishing A Happy 20-Year Anniversary To Guantánamo Bay Detention Camp

News In Brief

Dying Dad Wondering If You Hit Traffic On Way To Hospital

News In Brief

Gates Foundation Sues Thousands Of Charities For Infringing On Trademark Concept Of Philanthropy

Local

Show all

News In Brief

Widow Finally Ready To Get Out There And Outlive Someone New

ROCKLAND, ME—Determined not to feel sorry for herself or waste the time she had left, local widow Charlotte Bridges told reporters Monday she was ready to get out there and outlive someone new. “My husband Stanley [Bridges] was the love of my life,…

News In Brief

Dollar Dangling From Fishing Line Sure Does Look Enticing

News In Brief

Friend Crashing In Guest Room Hopes He Can Return Favor When Host’s Marriage Implodes

News In Brief

Landlord Informs Tenants He Increasing Endless Economic Anxiety By $100

News In Brief

Boss Wouldn’t Be Such A Jerk If He Knew About Negative Depiction In Employee’s Unpublished Novel

Politics

Show all

News In Brief

U.S. Democracy Under Siege After Tech Lobbyist Invites Some Senators To Dinner

WASHINGTON—In what both ordinary citizens and experts agreed was a threat to the nation’s political system, American democracy reportedly came under siege Thursday after a tech lobbyist invited some senators to dinner. “Rarely do we see such a…

News In Brief

Political Analysts Say GOP Could Take House If A Few Key Assassinations Break Their Way

Videos

Image for Enjoy This Free TikTok Cooling Station

Social Media Mistakes That Could Definitely Cost You Your Job

New Hanes Shapewear Compresses Woman Into Flattering Trapezoid

The Onion’s Guide To Web3

Editorial Cartoon: ‘Sobering Effects’

Wayfair Shopper Who Didn’t Read Dimensions Would Never Have Bought Sofa If She Knew It Was 300 Feet Tall

Lies Men Will Tell To Get You To Sleep With Them

Hospital Unveils New Delivery Taprooms For Bonding With Newborn Over Couple Beers

‘I Don’t Love You Anymore And I’m Taking The Kids’ Talk Goes Surprisingly Well

Study: More Parents Opting For One Big Baby Over Multi-Child Household

Newly Uncovered Manuscript Reveals China Invented English Language 700 Years Before Western World

Shitty Music Has Helped Moron Through Hardest Times In His Pointless Life

PGA Golfer Hoping To Hit The Office If Round Finishes Early

Breakthrough Procedure Allows Surgeons To Transplant Pig Rib Directly Into Human Mouth

Wishing A Happy 20-Year Anniversary To Guantánamo Bay Detention Camp

Dying Dad Wondering If You Hit Traffic On Way To Hospital

Gates Foundation Sues Thousands Of Charities For Infringing On Trademark Concept Of Philanthropy

Widow Finally Ready To Get Out There And Outlive Someone New

Dollar Dangling From Fishing Line Sure Does Look Enticing

Friend Crashing In Guest Room Hopes He Can Return Favor When Host’s Marriage Implodes

Landlord Informs Tenants He Increasing Endless Economic Anxiety By $100

Boss Wouldn’t Be Such A Jerk If He Knew About Negative Depiction In Employee’s Unpublished Novel

U.S. Democracy Under Siege After Tech Lobbyist Invites Some Senators To Dinner

Congress Preparing For Another January 6 By Enrolling In Group Karate Class

Biden Vows Not To Forget Lessons Of January 6: ‘We Must Hang Mike Pence’

Cemetery Staff Assures Family Grandpa Buried Around Here Somewhere

Political Analysts Say GOP Could Take House If A Few Key Assassinations Break Their Way

Biggest Mistakes All Gun Owners Make

Worst Things To Tell Someone Who’s Retiring

Things Never To Say To Someone With A Breakthrough Case Of Covid

Thoughts Every Woman Has Had In The Workplace

Hey Gamers, We Know We Can Sometimes Be A Little One-Note About Gaming So If You Ever Want To Talk About Something Else, Like Baking Or Whatever, Just Know We’re Down

Games Bring People Together: We Don’t Have Any Specific Story Right Now That Proves This Point, But We Wanted To Express The General Sentiment

Bad News Gamers: It Appears Now Is Not The Time For Idle Merriment

Be Cool, For Once, Gamers: Mrs. Thompson Said We Might Get to Play ‘Minecraft’ If We Finish The Quiz By 11:45

Enjoy This Free TikTok Cooling Station

Is It Ethical For Prenatal Testing To Tell You If Your Baby Will Be Too Annoying To Love?

We Invited Logan Paul And BTS To Collab On A Video With Us And They Crashed Into Each Other On The Way Over

How Do Self-Driving Cars Avoid Driving Straight To The Beach?

The Onion’s 1-Second Workout

Enjoy This Free TikTok Cooling Station

5 New Types Of Rope We Hope To See In 2022 And 5 We Hope To Not See

Look At This Chart. What If It Means Something Bad?

PGA Golfer Hoping To Hit The Office If Round Finishes Early

Star High School Quarterback Blissfully Unaware He’ll Be Jets Starter 4 Years From Now

Pro Athletes Share Their Favorite Holiday Traditions

Disheveled Mr. Met Spends Lockout Sadly Breakdancing For Tips On 7 Train

Queen Strips Prince Andrew Of Royal And Military Titles Amid Sexual Assault Lawsuit

‘Hero Rat’ Who Detected Landmines In Cambodia Dies In Retirement

Insurance To Cover Costs Of At-Home Covid Tests Starting Saturday

L.A. Police Officers Fired For Playing Pokémon GO During Active Robbery