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Parents Explain Why Trans Kids Should Be Banned From Prom

As LGBTQ+ rights continue to be eroded across the country, many transgender students have found themselves forbidden from attending their own high school proms. The Onion asked parents to explain why they support banning trans kids from school…

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Elizabeth Holmes Immediately Defrauds Biggest Inmate To Gain Other Prisoners’ Respect

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CEO Outlines Challenges Company Facing Due To Own Insatiable Greed

RALEIGH, NC—Holding an all-hands meeting Tuesday morning to discuss first-quarter performance and set expectations for the rest of the year, local CEO Randall Schmidt reportedly outlined the challenges the company was facing due to his own…

Breaking News

Another Star Falls From American Flag Following Well-Attended Drag Queen Brunch

AMERICA, FORMER LAND OF THE FREE AND EX-HOME OF THE BRAVE—A hush reportedly spread across the country Tuesday as another star fell from the American flag following a well-attended drag queen brunch. “So for our special today, we have a salmon…

Breaking News

Ukraine Admits Country’s Been In Shambles Since Hunter Biden Left

KYIV, UKRAINE—Gazing wistfully at an old framed photo of the 53-year-old American, Ukrainian officials admitted Tuesday that the country had been in shambles ever since Hunter Biden left. “We don’t want your Abrams tanks or your Javelin missiles or…

Politics

Conservatives Reveal Why They’re So Triggered By Pride Merchandise

Breaking News

Experts Warn AI Could One Day Be Smart Enough To Eat Soup

Breaking News

Study Finds First Bullets Fired By Cop During Traffic Stop Dictate How Rest Of Interaction Will Go

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Body Language Fact: Did You Know?

104-Year-Old Man Awarded WWII Medal Just To Be Nice

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Quiz: Could You Pass A Police Officer Entrance Exam?

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Meaning Fact: Did You Know?

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Man Never Knows Right Time In Job Interview To Go In For Kiss

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Man At Beach Worried Wife Hasn’t Surfaced For Air Because She Cheating On Him

PORT ARANSAS, TX—Suspecting the worst, local man Daniel Koleva reportedly spent several panicked moments during his beach trip Friday worried that his wife, Bethany Koleva, hadn’t surfaced for air yet because she was cheating on him. “There’s no…

Local

White Conservative Parents Sit Children Down For Tough Conversation About Seeing Black Character In Movie

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Man Embarrassed After Taking Bullet Intended For Person Behind Him

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Matt Gaetz Takes Out Half-Page Ad In House Bill Congratulating Teen Girl On High School Graduation

WASHINGTON—Shelling out $55 for the loving tribute, Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) reportedly took out a half-page ad in a House bill Friday to congratulate a local teen girl on her high school graduation. “Congrats, Kayla, so proud of you, punkin!” read…