The Onion | America's Finest News Source.

Biden’s Plans For His First 100 Days

NFL Conference Championships: Keys To The Matchups

‘Look, He Came After All!’ Says Inauguration Guest Spotting Trump Crouching With Rifle On Nearby Roof

Editorial Cartoon: ‘Who's Zoomin Who’

News in Brief

Jerry Seinfeld Destitute After Purchasing $950 Million Car

NEW YORK—Acknowledging that he was now completely bankrupt, comedian Jerry Seinfeld confirmed Friday that he was destitute after pouring his entire fortune into the purchase of a $950 million car. “Yes, it was expensive, but on the other hand, it’s…

News in Brief

Pete Buttigieg Vows To Bring Together Small-Town And Big-City Streets Into One Beautiful American Intersection

News in Brief

Janet Yellen Clears Key Confirmation Hurdle After Correctly Identifying $5 Bill In Blind Taste Test

WASHINGTON—With a 26-0 vote of approval from the Senate Finance Committee, treasury secretary nominee Janet Yellen cleared a key confirmation hurdle Friday after correctly identifying a $5 bill in a blind taste test. “I’m definitely detecting notes…

News in Brief

Inaugural Address Spills Over Into Second Day As Biden Continues To List Greatest Issues Facing Nation

WASHINGTON—Carrying on breathlessly with no sign of soon stopping, President Joe Biden’s inaugural address spilled over into the second day Thursday as he continued to list the greatest issues facing the nation. “Child poverty, crumbling…

News in Brief

Trump Directs Movers Loading Bubble-Wrapped Melania Into Storage Pod

WASHINGTON—Warning the crew to be very careful while transporting his valuables outside the White House, Donald Trump reportedly directed movers Wednesday to load a bubble-wrapped Melania into a storage pod. “All right, everything here that I’ve…

Photo Finish

‘Life Is But Suffering, Pain, And Misery,’ Whispers Meditative Adam Silver Amid NBA Covid Outbreak

News in Brief

Jane Goodall Announces She All About Lizards Now

News

Rumors Confirmed: IO Interactive Confirms Agent 47’s Barcode Brings Up Del Monte Whole Green Beans When Scanned

Politics

News in Brief

Conservatives Accuse Nature Of Silencing Right-Wing Voices After Sheldon Adelson Dies At 87

WASHINGTON—Insisting the billionaire’s demise would have a chilling effect on democracy, conservatives accused nature Tuesday of silencing right-wing voices after GOP mega-donor Sheldon Adelson died at 87. “It’s disgusting and frankly un-American…

Slideshow

‘The Onion’ Salutes The Courageous Legislators Determined To Overturn The Will Of Voters

News In Photos

House Democrats Move To Impeach Biden To Prove They’d Comply If Situation Were Reversed

News in Brief

Reluctant Democrats Holding Off On Revealing Biden Died Of Heart Attack 6 Days Ago

News in Brief

Trump Rioter Knocks On Senate Door To Ask About Retrieving Left-Behind Car Keys

The Topical

UFC Announces Their Athletes Will Now Be Allowed To Fight Each Other Through The Court Of Law

The Topical

Secret Service Agent Heroically Dives In Front Of Strong Breeze That Could Have Killed Biden

The Topical

Biden Announces Nation Will Rejoin Paris Hilton Fan Club

Local

News in Brief

Archaeologists Uncover Separate Team Of Archaeologists Digging Towards Them From Other Side Of Globe

MENDOZA, ARGENTINA—Announcing that they had made an astounding once-in-a-lifetime discovery, a team of archaeologists from Rutgers University Thursday reportedly uncovered a separate team of archaeologists digging toward them from the other side of…

News in Brief

Up-And-Coming White Supremacist Added To FBI’s Terrorists To Watch List

Slideshows

Slideshow

State-By-State Covid-19 Restrictions

Slideshow

Looking Back On The Onion’s First 15,000 Years Of Coronavirus Coverage

Slideshow

The Best NBA Players Of All Time

Slideshow

Top 12 Rules For Our Man Cave That Were Too Laxly Enforced In 2020

News in Brief

Gamer Camping Outside Home Depot On Off Chance They Start Stocking PS5s

Illustration for The Con Pays Off: After Years Of Feigning Interest, George R.R. Martin Has Bolted From The ‘Elden Ring’ Offices With All The Topless Elf Concept Art His Arms Can Carry

News

The Con Pays Off: After Years Of Feigning Interest, George R.R. Martin Has Bolted From The ‘Elden Ring’ Offices With All The Topless Elf Concept Art His Arms Can Carry

Illustration for PS5 Alert: We’ve Heard Tales Of A City Beyond The Sands Where Streets Are Paved With PS5s, And DualSense Controllers Grow On The Trees Like Leaves

News

PS5 Alert: We’ve Heard Tales Of A City Beyond The Sands Where Streets Are Paved With PS5s, And DualSense Controllers Grow On The Trees Like Leaves

Illustration for Our Annual Year: Best Of Onion Gamers Network

Slideshow

Biden’s Plans For His First 100 Days

NFL Conference Championships: Keys To The Matchups

‘Look, He Came After All!’ Says Inauguration Guest Spotting Trump Crouching With Rifle On Nearby Roof

Editorial Cartoon: ‘Who's Zoomin Who’

Jerry Seinfeld Destitute After Purchasing $950 Million Car

Pete Buttigieg Vows To Bring Together Small-Town And Big-City Streets Into One Beautiful American Intersection

Janet Yellen Clears Key Confirmation Hurdle After Correctly Identifying $5 Bill In Blind Taste Test

Inaugural Address Spills Over Into Second Day As Biden Continues To List Greatest Issues Facing Nation

Trump Directs Movers Loading Bubble-Wrapped Melania Into Storage Pod

‘Life Is But Suffering, Pain, And Misery,’ Whispers Meditative Adam Silver Amid NBA Covid Outbreak

Jane Goodall Announces She All About Lizards Now

Rumors Confirmed: IO Interactive Confirms Agent 47’s Barcode Brings Up Del Monte Whole Green Beans When Scanned

Crowd Politely Cheers Along As Pat Toomey’s Senate Jazz Combo Plays Opening Set At Inauguration

Stray Doberman Accidentally Sworn In As President After Putting Paw On Inaugural Bible

Secret Service Agent Heroically Dives In Front Of Strong Breeze That Could Have Killed Biden

Horrified Biden Family Discovers Rotting, Months-Old Corpse Of Jeff Sessions In White House Executive Residence

Conservatives Accuse Nature Of Silencing Right-Wing Voices After Sheldon Adelson Dies At 87

‘The Onion’ Salutes The Courageous Legislators Determined To Overturn The Will Of Voters

House Democrats Move To Impeach Biden To Prove They’d Comply If Situation Were Reversed

Reluctant Democrats Holding Off On Revealing Biden Died Of Heart Attack 6 Days Ago

Trump Rioter Knocks On Senate Door To Ask About Retrieving Left-Behind Car Keys

UFC Announces Their Athletes Will Now Be Allowed To Fight Each Other Through The Court Of Law

Secret Service Agent Heroically Dives In Front Of Strong Breeze That Could Have Killed Biden

Biden Announces Nation Will Rejoin Paris Hilton Fan Club

Archaeologists Uncover Separate Team Of Archaeologists Digging Towards Them From Other Side Of Globe

Man Excited To Get Tattoo That Will One Day Be Used To Identify His Corpse

Bingo Much Less Competitive Lately

Child Weirded Out After Bumping Into Teacher Outside Laptop

Up-And-Coming White Supremacist Added To FBI’s Terrorists To Watch List

State-By-State Covid-19 Restrictions

Looking Back On The Onion’s First 15,000 Years Of Coronavirus Coverage

The Best NBA Players Of All Time

Top 12 Rules For Our Man Cave That Were Too Laxly Enforced In 2020

Gamer Camping Outside Home Depot On Off Chance They Start Stocking PS5s

The Con Pays Off: After Years Of Feigning Interest, George R.R. Martin Has Bolted From The ‘Elden Ring’ Offices With All The Topless Elf Concept Art His Arms Can Carry

PS5 Alert: We’ve Heard Tales Of A City Beyond The Sands Where Streets Are Paved With PS5s, And DualSense Controllers Grow On The Trees Like Leaves

Our Annual Year: Best Of Onion Gamers Network

What To Watch For At The Presidential Inauguration

How We’re Celebrating Thanksgiving In The Coronavirus Pandemic

5 Things To Know About ‘Mank’

Tips For Dealing With Bad Neighbors

Jerry Seinfeld Destitute After Purchasing $950 Million Car

Vince Gilligan Reunites With Bryan Cranston For New Breakfast Bar

Nation Tells Drake They’ll Get Around To Looking At His New Haircut When Things Less Hectic

The Onion’s Holiday TV Guide: Movies And Shows To Watch This Season

‘Life Is But Suffering, Pain, And Misery,’ Whispers Meditative Adam Silver Amid NBA Covid Outbreak

NFL Conference Championships: Keys To The Matchups

NBA Fans Admit They Could Have Used Longer Break From Chris Webber

Irritated Kyrie Irving Refuses To Be Perceived By Media After Rejoining Nets

National Guard May Deploy Up To 20,000 Troops To DC For Biden Inauguration

Bill Belichick Declines Medal Of Freedom From Trump

‘Sex And The City’ Reboot Will Not Include Kim Cattrall

Hallmark Asks Senators Hawley And Marshall To Return Political Donations