Unclear If Store Called ‘Casa Spazio’ Sells Leather Sofas Or Pizzas
CHICAGO—Saying that the sign out front offered no clear evidence as to the nature of the business, onlookers were reportedly unable to determine Tuesday whether a storefront bearing the name “Casa Spazio” belonged to an establishment that sold leather sofas or pizza. “It’s got a beautiful, ornate sign and big glass…
Baby T. Rex Fossil Selling On eBay
The fossil of an infant Tyrannosaurus rex—likely the only one in existence—has gone on sale for $2.95 million on eBay, drawing fierce criticism from paleontologists for preventing research on a rare and important artifact. What do you think?
Random Uncle’s Wife Crying A Bunch Throughout Grandma’s Funeral
BROOMALL, PA—Confusing several immediate members of the family of Sophia Lindbergh with her flamboyant sorrow, grieving relatives confirmed Tuesday that a random uncle’s wife was “sure crying a bunch” throughout their grandma’s funeral. “Wow, that lady’s really losing it there. Grandpa isn’t even crying that much,”…
Border Patrol Authorities, Militia In Tense Standoff Over Claim To Detain Migrant Family They Caught At Same Time
COLUMBUS, NM—Digging in their heels and refusing to stand down, U.S. Customs and Border Patrol authorities were caught in a tense standoff Monday with an independently armed militia over their mutual claim to have detained a migrant family that both groups caught at the same time. “The fact of the matter is that we…
Senate Considering Bill To Raise Smoking Age To 21
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) announced plans to introduce new legislation raising the federal minimum age to buy tobacco products, such as cigarettes and vaping devices, from 18 to 21. What do you think?
Panicked Man Completely Out Of Things To Talk About 5 Minutes Into Marriage
AUSTIN, TX—As he cast about in vain for potential topics of conversation, local bridegroom Adam Hartwell reportedly panicked Monday, having completely run out of things to talk about five minutes into his marriage. “After the ceremony, I talked about some of our mutual friends and mentioned a couple details from my…
Emmanuel Macron Not Sure How To Tell Billionaires Notre Dame Repair Only Costs $200
PARIS—Following an outpouring of financial support from the nation’s wealthiest residents, French president Emmanuel Macron admitted Monday he was not sure how to tell the billionaire donors that repairs to the damaged Notre Dame cathedral would only cost the equivalent of about $200. “The generosity has been truly…
Depressed Gallup Director Issues Poll Asking Whether Anyone Would Care Whether He Lives Or Dies
WASHINGTON—In an effort to accurately gauge American opinions on what the CEO is even doing with his life, depressed Gallup chairman Jim Clifton released a poll Monday asking a random sampling of 6,500 residents of all 50 states and the District of Columbia if anyone even cared whether he lives or dies. “Would you be…
Computer Scientists Say AI’s Underdeveloped Ethics Have Yet To Move Beyond Libertarian Phase
CAMBRIDGE—Amid the tech industry’s efforts to eliminate the biases recently observed in facial recognition software and other intelligent algorithms, the nation’s leading computer scientists announced Monday that even the most advanced AI technologies still demonstrate a sense of ethics that has yet to move beyond…
84% Support Marijuana Legalization
A recent poll found 84% of Americans support marijuana legalization in some form, with 42% of respondents saying that weed should be legal for any use and only 13% favoring prosecution for users or distributors. What do you think?
‘The Onion’ Endorses Legal Marijuana
It has been nearly 82 years since marijuana was first officially banned as an illicit substance in the United States. Over that time, we have seen incredible changes across our nation. We have survived a world war and the Cold War, seen the sexual revolution and legalization of abortion, impeached a president, and…
Glossary Of Terms
Papers: Thin, difficult-to-fold sheets used to repeatedly spill marijuana on the ground
Mueller Report Released
After weeks of redactions from William Barr, Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s report on Russian interference in the 2016 election was released by the Justice Department on Thursday morning. What do you think?
Biggest Revelations From The Mueller Report
A redacted version of Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation into potential collusion between the Trump presidential campaign and Russian agents to influence the 2016 election was released to the public on Thursday. Here are the biggest revelations from the Mueller report.
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