Man At Park Who Set Up Table Full Of Water Cups Has No Idea How Passing Marathon Runners Got Impression They Can Take Them

CHICAGO—Expressing his incredulity at the race participants’ level of entitlement, a local man who set up a table full of water cups at Grant Park told reporters Sunday he had no idea how passing marathon runners got the impression they could just take them. “I came here like I do every weekend to enjoy a leisurely…

Rough Start To The Royal Wedding: The Officiant Just Introduced Meghan Markle As ‘Michael Morgle’

It’s hard to imagine a more high-pressure situation than officiating a royal wedding that hundreds of millions of people are watching, and that pressure is clearly getting to officiant Justin Welby, who in his opening address just introduced bride Meghan Markle as “Michael Morgle.” After announcing the groom, Prince…

In A Clever Allusion To U.S. Presidential History, None Of The Show’s Co-Hosts Are Women: Everything You Need To Know About ‘Pod Save America’

Averaging about 1.5 million listeners per episode, Pod Save America has established itself as one of the most popular political podcasts available today. The show is hosted by four former Obama White House staffers, and has featured a variety of influential Democrats as guests, including Kamala Harris, Elizabeth…

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Drumpf’s Complicity In Israel’s Brutal Attacks On Palestinians Is Yet Another Example Of The GOP Taking Credit For Obama’s Hard Work

Since day one of his orange presidency, Drumpf has wasted no time putting his name on the hard-earned achievements of those before him and chalking those accomplishments up as his own personal successes. We saw this cheap political tactic wielded again this week as the U.S. moved its embassy to Jerusalem, stoking…

Mohawked Rex Tillerson Warns U.S. Democracy Threatened By Plutocratic Fascist Pigs Fucking Over The Working Man

WASHINGTON—Challenging American citizens to band together, rise up, and break out of their “mind prisons,” mohawked former Secretary of State Rex Tillerson Thursday warned that U.S. democracy was being threatened by plutocratic fascist pigs fucking over the working man. “These totalitarian autocrats are coming to fuck…

Woman Nervously Reaches For Cell Phone As Suspicious Black Man Tells Her Today’s Soup Is Minestrone

SACRAMENTO, CA—Claiming she had been keeping a cautious eye on him from the moment she sat down, local woman Rebecca Marinelli confirmed Thursday that she anxiously reached for her cell phone after a suspicious-looking black man told her the soup of the day was minestrone. “I just didn’t like the look of him, lurking…

Senate Intelligence Committee Confirms From Testimony That Donald Trump Jr. Has No Knowledge

WASHINGTON—Confident that their findings represented a clear step forward in the ongoing Russia investigation, the Senate Intelligence Committee confirmed Thursday that Donald Trump Jr. has no knowledge. “After questioning him many times, we can confirm that Donald Trump Jr. knows absolutely nothing about anything;…