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What To Say To Someone Who Refuses To Vote

Timeline Of Joe Biden’s First Year In Office

The Onion’s Guide To Wordle

Editorial Cartoon: ‘Sobering Effects’

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Adele Postpones Vegas Residency Rather Than Give Up Seat At Hot Slot Machine

LAS VEGAS—Waving away her manager and Colosseum bookers, renowned pop musician Adele announced the postponement of her Las Vegas residency Friday, reportedly to avoid giving up her seat at a hot slot machine. “I was so looking forward to performing,…

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Signs Your Child’s School Is Not Prepared For Covid-19

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Nestlé Announces Consumers Free To Sexualize Raisinets All They Want

VEVEY, SWITZERLAND—Pledging to never stand in the way of the “raw animal magnetism” the candies were world-renowned for, Nestlé released a statement Friday announcing that consumers were free to sexualize Raisinets all they wanted. “Whether you want…

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NFL Expands Super Bowl To Include 2 Additional Teams

NEW YORK—Following up on the momentum generated by expanding both the regular season and the playoff field, the NFL announced Friday that it would be expanding this year’s Super Bowl to include two additional teams. “We think that bringing more…

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Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame Under Pressure To Return Looted Ancient Mesopotamian Stratocaster

CLEVELAND—With critics calling the instrument an essential part of Sumeria’s history of killer riffs and hot licks, the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame came under pressure Friday to return to Iraq an ancient Mesopotamian Stratocaster that was plundered by…

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Chicago City Workers Clear Ice By Pouring Hot Beef Drippings Onto Roads

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‘People’ Editor Sweating Bullets After Dedicating Next Issue To Alan Alda’s 86th Birthday

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Nancy Pelosi Introduces Landmark Legislation To Provide Aid For Struggling Personal Stock Portfolio

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Frustrated Hospital Worker Rounds Up Gurneys Patients Failed To Put in Parking Lot Corrals

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Woman Unsure If She Turned Off Stove Finally Makes Peace With Possibly Killing Everyone In Building

CHICAGO—Unable to remember one way or the other, local 32-year-old Sidney Golinski, who was unsure if she had turned off the burner she used to cook eggs for breakfast Wednesday, told reporters she had finally made peace with the fact that she might…

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Man Arriving Late To Meet Friends At Restaurant Banished To Farthest Reaches Of Table

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Child Being Teased About Having Crush Angrily Asserts He Incapable Of Love

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Man Proposes To Girlfriend With Heirloom Ring Once Worn By Divorced Sister In 2013

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Smart Home Security Camera Conspires With Burglars In Exchange For Half The Loot

Politics

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Congress Addresses Child Care Crisis By Loosening Restrictions On Locking Children In Car For 8 Hours

WASHINGTON—With 80% of the nation’s daycares understaffed and many facilities shutting down, Congress responded to the child care crisis Friday by passing legislation that would lift restrictions on leaving children in a locked car for eight…

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L.A. Mayor Prevents His Kid From Lazing About By Installing Spikes On Family Couch

Politics

Key Members Of The House January 6 Committee

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Contractor Informs Biden It’d Be Cheaper To Just Tear Down U.S. And Start Over

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Biden Vows Not To Forget Lessons Of January 6: ‘We Must Hang Mike Pence’

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Image for Enjoy This Free TikTok Cooling Station

What To Say To Someone Who Refuses To Vote

Timeline Of Joe Biden’s First Year In Office

The Onion’s Guide To Wordle

Editorial Cartoon: ‘Sobering Effects’

Adele Postpones Vegas Residency Rather Than Give Up Seat At Hot Slot Machine

Signs Your Child’s School Is Not Prepared For Covid-19

Nestlé Announces Consumers Free To Sexualize Raisinets All They Want

NFL Expands Super Bowl To Include 2 Additional Teams

Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame Under Pressure To Return Looted Ancient Mesopotamian Stratocaster

Chicago City Workers Clear Ice By Pouring Hot Beef Drippings Onto Roads

‘People’ Editor Sweating Bullets After Dedicating Next Issue To Alan Alda’s 86th Birthday

Nancy Pelosi Introduces Landmark Legislation To Provide Aid For Struggling Personal Stock Portfolio

Dad Doesn’t Approve Of Direction Mall Headed In

Sign Reading ‘Take One’ Placed On Bowl Of N95 Masks On White House Stoop

Apple Acquires Apple In Historic $3 Trillion Deal

Frustrated Hospital Worker Rounds Up Gurneys Patients Failed To Put in Parking Lot Corrals

Woman Unsure If She Turned Off Stove Finally Makes Peace With Possibly Killing Everyone In Building

Man Arriving Late To Meet Friends At Restaurant Banished To Farthest Reaches Of Table

Child Being Teased About Having Crush Angrily Asserts He Incapable Of Love

Man Proposes To Girlfriend With Heirloom Ring Once Worn By Divorced Sister In 2013

Smart Home Security Camera Conspires With Burglars In Exchange For Half The Loot

Congress Addresses Child Care Crisis By Loosening Restrictions On Locking Children In Car For 8 Hours

L.A. Mayor Prevents His Kid From Lazing About By Installing Spikes On Family Couch

Key Members Of The House January 6 Committee

Contractor Informs Biden It’d Be Cheaper To Just Tear Down U.S. And Start Over

Biden Vows Not To Forget Lessons Of January 6: ‘We Must Hang Mike Pence’

Lies Men Will Tell To Get You To Sleep With Them

Social Media Mistakes That Could Definitely Cost You Your Job

Intrusive Thoughts That Are Actually Very Common

Most Frequently Googled Health Questions

Hey Gamers, We Know We Can Sometimes Be A Little One-Note About Gaming So If You Ever Want To Talk About Something Else, Like Baking Or Whatever, Just Know We’re Down

Games Bring People Together: We Don’t Have Any Specific Story Right Now That Proves This Point, But We Wanted To Express The General Sentiment

Bad News Gamers: It Appears Now Is Not The Time For Idle Merriment

Be Cool, For Once, Gamers: Mrs. Thompson Said We Might Get to Play ‘Minecraft’ If We Finish The Quiz By 11:45

Enjoy This Free TikTok Cooling Station

Is It Ethical For Prenatal Testing To Tell You If Your Baby Will Be Too Annoying To Love?

We Invited Logan Paul And BTS To Collab On A Video With Us And They Crashed Into Each Other On The Way Over

How Do Self-Driving Cars Avoid Driving Straight To The Beach?

Adele Postpones Vegas Residency Rather Than Give Up Seat At Hot Slot Machine

‘People’ Editor Sweating Bullets After Dedicating Next Issue To Alan Alda’s 86th Birthday

Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame Under Pressure To Return Looted Ancient Mesopotamian Stratocaster

Incompetent Film Director Totally Obscures Face Of Person Committing Murder

New NFL-Military Partnership Sends First 1,000 Fans To Stand For National Anthem Off To War

NFL Expands Super Bowl To Include 2 Additional Teams

PGA Golfer Hoping To Hit The Office If Round Finishes Early

Star High School Quarterback Blissfully Unaware He’ll Be Jets Starter 4 Years From Now

M&Ms Characters Redesigned For ‘More Dynamic, Progressive World’

Ancient ‘Scepters’ Actually Drinking Straws For Communal Boozing, Say Researchers

Starbucks Drops Worker Vaccine Mandate After SCOTUS Ruling

U.K. Scientists Unearth 180-Million-Year-Old ‘Sea Dragon’ Fossil