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What To Know About Bill And Melinda Gates’ Divorce

Driver Worried About Potential Gas Shortage Makes Sure To Fill Up All The Way

‘We’re So Screwed,’ Says Detroit Lions Fan After Seeing They Got Matched Up Against Other Teams Again

Editorial Cartoon: ‘Ms. Placed Priorities’

Slideshow

The Most Infamous Crimes In Every State

The Onion takes a look back at some of the most notorious, heinous, and downright idiotic crimes committed in all 50 states of America.

News in Brief

DSM-5 Finally Stops Classifying Adult Disney Fandom As Form Of Psychopathy

News in Brief

Kevin Durant Spends All Day Feuding With Own Burner Account

BROOKLYN, NY—Spinning into a days-long spat that caused the Nets forward to miss practice, league sources confirmed Kevin Durant spent all day Thursday feuding with his own burner account on social media. “At first, KD just wanted to tell his burner…

News in Brief

Parents Can’t Believe How Bad Daughter Is At Being Raised By Them

CALDWELL, ID—Frustrated by her complete lack of initiative in developing their relationship, the parents of local teenager Sophia Miller, 14, expressed bewilderment Wednesday at how bad their daughter was at being raised by them. “It’s frustrating,…

News in Brief

Long-Time Employee Will Always Be Remembered For Sticking Around Too Long

CHICAGO—Fondly reminiscing on the decades he’d spent wasting away at the same thankless job, employees at Venture Manufacturing told reporters Wednesday that their departing longtime coworker Dale Tabak would always be remembered for sticking around…

News in Brief

Dr. Fauci: ‘There’s No Longer A Need For Statues To Wear Masks Outside’

News in Brief

Man Unaware Israel-Palestine Opinion Retained Verbatim From 1997 Beauty Pageant Contestant’s Answer

News in Brief

No One At Laser Tag Prepared For How Hard Dad Was Going To Bring It

News in Brief

Historians Confirm Lewis And Clark Set Out On Expedition To Justify Purchase Of Expensive Camping Equipment

News in Brief

Ellen Announces To Bound-And-Gagged Staff That She Ending Them

News in Brief

Palestinian Family Who Lost Home In Airstrike Takes Comfort In Knowing This All Very Complicated

News in Brief

Sally Beauty Introduces New Press-On Hangnails

Politics

News in Brief

Biden’s Child-Care Plan To Allow All American Parents To Drop Kids Off At White House Between 8 And 5

WASHINGTON—In an effort to help cover costs for working families, President Joe Biden rolled out his child-care plan Wednesday allowing all American parents to drop their kids off at the White House between 8 a.m. and 5 p.m. “Starting today, you can…

News in Brief

‘Anyone See ‘Ted Lasso’?’ Biden Asks World Leaders, Trying To Steer Conversation Away From Depressing Topic Like Climate Change

News in Brief

Florida GOP Introduces Ballotless Voting In Disenfranchised Communities

News in Brief

Congressional Moderates Call For Smaller Numbers

News in Brief

Republicans Argue D.C. Statehood Slippery Slope To District One Day Becoming Own Planet

The Topical

Papa John’s Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce

The Topical

Scientists Warn Americans To Stay Away From That Bird

The Topical

Nation’s Arborists Once Again Urge Congress To Lower The Age Of Consent For Trees

Local

News in Brief

Woman Suddenly Realizes She Same Age Parents Were When They Were Her Age

ATLANTA—Noting the event had caused her to rethink the chronology of her entire life, local woman Jessica Landis told reporters Tuesday that she suddenly realized she was the same age her parents were when they were her age. “It’s just crazy, I’m…