The Onion | America's Finest News Source.

Lies All Police Officers Are Legally Allowed To Tell You

Greatest NFL Playoff Moments

Potential Replacements For Supreme Court Justice Breyer

Editorial Cartoon: ‘Poll Dancers’

News In Brief

Jesus Christ Starts Rival Eternal Paradise After Family Rift

THE COSMOS—In an acrimonious parting of ways that follows more than two millennia of heavenly collaboration, Jesus Christ, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, announced Friday He had started a rival eternal paradise after a bitter falling out with…

Slideshow

Things You Should Never Say To Someone Who Makes Minimum Wage

News In Brief

Elite Selective Hospital Only Accepts 9% Of ICU Applicants

STANFORD, CA—With experts noting that it was more difficult than ever to secure a spot in a top medical facility, a study commissioned by U.S. News & World Report found that the most elite hospital only accepts 9% of ICU applicants. “What we’re…

Football

‘Let’s Clear Some Cap Space,’ Says Stone-Faced Bill Belichick Watching Players Dig Own Graves

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Standing in the freezing rain at a site adjacent to Gillette Stadium, a stone-faced New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick was heard to utter, “Let’s clear some cap space,” on Friday as he watched players dig their own graves.…

News In Brief

Pittsburgh Honors Ben Roethlisberger With Commemorative Statue In Women’s Bathroom

PITTSBURGH—Saluting the legacy of a quarterback who brought two Super Bowls to the city and did so much to local women, Pittsburgh honored a retiring Ben Roethlisberger Thursday with a new commemorative statue in a local women’s bathroom. “We can’t…

News In Brief

Biden Meets With Senate Democrats To Discuss Breaking Up Supreme Court Nominee And Confirming Her In Parts

Football

Despondent Buffalo Fan Wonders If Day Will Ever Come When He Too Blackout Drunk To Remember Bills Super Bowl Victory

News In Brief

Mitch McConnell Blocks Justice Stephen Breyer From Retiring

News In Brief

Dusty Can Of Bamboo Shoots In Back Of Cabinet Last Remaining Trace Of Woman’s Withered Cooking Ambitions

Local

Show all

News In Brief

Man’s Problems Really Don’t Seem So Bad After Therapist Completely Trivializes Them

DENVER—Feeling like an entirely different person by the end of his 50-minute session, local man Dan Grady confirmed Tuesday that his problems really didn’t seem so bad now that his therapist had completely trivialized them. “It helped a lot to just…

News In Brief

Ex-Catholic Still Feels Twinge Of Guilt Every Time He Masturbates On Subway

News In Brief

Obnoxious Toddler Really Rubbing His Childlike Sense Of Wonder In Everyone’s Faces

News In Brief

Mom Believes New Boyfriend Could Give Son Positive Father Figure For Solid Couple Months

News In Brief

Man Hoping His Death Fucked Up Enough That He Gets Law Named After Him

Politics

Show all

News In Brief

Nancy Pelosi Introduces Landmark Legislation To Provide Aid For Struggling Personal Stock Portfolio

WASHINGTON—In an effort to revive her lagging capital gains, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi introduced a landmark piece of legislation Thursday that would appropriate federal funds to provide aid for her struggling personal stock portfolio. “This…

News In Brief

Congress Addresses Child Care Crisis By Loosening Restrictions On Locking Children In Car For 8 Hours

News In Brief

Biden Vows That If Russia Invades Ukraine, U.S. Will Invade One Country Of Equivalent Value

Infographic

Timeline Of Joe Biden’s First Year In Office

News In Brief

Poll: Average U.S. Horse Still Prefers Carrot To Photo Of Biden

Videos

Image for Enjoy This Free TikTok Cooling Station

Lies All Police Officers Are Legally Allowed To Tell You

Greatest NFL Playoff Moments

Potential Replacements For Supreme Court Justice Breyer

Editorial Cartoon: ‘Poll Dancers’

Jesus Christ Starts Rival Eternal Paradise After Family Rift

Things You Should Never Say To Someone Who Makes Minimum Wage

Elite Selective Hospital Only Accepts 9% Of ICU Applicants

‘Let’s Clear Some Cap Space,’ Says Stone-Faced Bill Belichick Watching Players Dig Own Graves

Pittsburgh Honors Ben Roethlisberger With Commemorative Statue In Women’s Bathroom

NASA Gently Lowers Hot Dog On Fishing Line Into Black Hole

Spectators Cheer As Zookeeper Throws Fish To Very Chubby Boy

The Onion’s Test Sweatshop Helps You Design Your Dream Kitchen

Biden Meets With Senate Democrats To Discuss Breaking Up Supreme Court Nominee And Confirming Her In Parts

Despondent Buffalo Fan Wonders If Day Will Ever Come When He Too Blackout Drunk To Remember Bills Super Bowl Victory

Mitch McConnell Blocks Justice Stephen Breyer From Retiring

Dusty Can Of Bamboo Shoots In Back Of Cabinet Last Remaining Trace Of Woman’s Withered Cooking Ambitions

Man’s Problems Really Don’t Seem So Bad After Therapist Completely Trivializes Them

Ex-Catholic Still Feels Twinge Of Guilt Every Time He Masturbates On Subway

Obnoxious Toddler Really Rubbing His Childlike Sense Of Wonder In Everyone’s Faces

Mom Believes New Boyfriend Could Give Son Positive Father Figure For Solid Couple Months

Man Hoping His Death Fucked Up Enough That He Gets Law Named After Him

Nancy Pelosi Introduces Landmark Legislation To Provide Aid For Struggling Personal Stock Portfolio

Congress Addresses Child Care Crisis By Loosening Restrictions On Locking Children In Car For 8 Hours

Biden Vows That If Russia Invades Ukraine, U.S. Will Invade One Country Of Equivalent Value

Timeline Of Joe Biden’s First Year In Office

Poll: Average U.S. Horse Still Prefers Carrot To Photo Of Biden

CEOs Predict The Future Of The Metaverse

Signs Your Child’s School Is Not Prepared For Covid-19

What To Say To Someone Who Refuses To Vote

Things You Should Never Say To An ICU Nurse

Hey Gamers, We Know We Can Sometimes Be A Little One-Note About Gaming So If You Ever Want To Talk About Something Else, Like Baking Or Whatever, Just Know We’re Down

Games Bring People Together: We Don’t Have Any Specific Story Right Now That Proves This Point, But We Wanted To Express The General Sentiment

Bad News Gamers: It Appears Now Is Not The Time For Idle Merriment

Be Cool, For Once, Gamers: Mrs. Thompson Said We Might Get to Play ‘Minecraft’ If We Finish The Quiz By 11:45

Enjoy This Free TikTok Cooling Station

Is It Ethical For Prenatal Testing To Tell You If Your Baby Will Be Too Annoying To Love?

We Invited Logan Paul And BTS To Collab On A Video With Us And They Crashed Into Each Other On The Way Over

How Do Self-Driving Cars Avoid Driving Straight To The Beach?

Celebrities Explain Why They Are Investing In Crypto

Special Orders Chefs Hate The Most And Why

Adele Postpones Vegas Residency Rather Than Give Up Seat At Hot Slot Machine

‘People’ Editor Sweating Bullets After Dedicating Next Issue To Alan Alda’s 86th Birthday

Greatest NFL Playoff Moments

‘Let’s Clear Some Cap Space,’ Says Stone-Faced Bill Belichick Watching Players Dig Own Graves

Despondent Buffalo Fan Wonders If Day Will Ever Come When He Too Blackout Drunk To Remember Bills Super Bowl Victory

MLB Owners Propose CBA That Offers Players College Credit In Lieu Of Salary

SpaceX Rocket Part On Collision Course With Moon

China Changes ‘Fight Club’ Ending To Have Authorities Win

Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer To Retire

Ana de Armas Fans Sue Hollywood Studio Over ‘Deceptive’ Film Trailer