MENLO PARK, CA—In an effort to put to rest concerns about the direction of the social media giant, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced Friday that all of the company’s future decisions would be made by the Cube Of Justice, which reportedly cannot be questioned nor misled by any mortal means. “We’ve heard your…

GREENSBORO, NC—Urging consumers to enter now for their chance to take home the dental jackpot of a lifetime, toothpaste giant Crest announced a new sweepstakes Friday in which entrants have a chance to win up to 10 million teeth. “Shoppers have a one-in-ten chance of winning small prizes such as a full set of baby…

LIVINGSTON, NJ—Warning parents about the dangers of a powerful imagination, RoseArt announced Thursday a recall of all colored pencils after hundreds of children were sucked into magical drawing worlds of their own creation. “We received nearly 800 reports of children being swept up in a vortex of bright colors and…

WASHINGTON—Erupting in praise after the House Speaker set the image as her Twitter account’s header photo, resistance Democrats cheered Nancy Pelosi online Thursday after a viral moment emerged of her sitting quietly and deferring to a roomful of corporate lobbyists. “You get that bread, bitch!” said Twitter user…