LocalWhat To Say To Someone Who Is A Fan Of Joe RoganJoe Rogan is a podcaster and commentator who hosts the controversial Joe Rogan Experience, a show beloved by many on the far right. If you know someone who is a Joe Rogan fan, here are things you should absolutely say to them.
Breaking NewsBlundering U.S. Accidentally Stabilizes Foreign CountryWASHINGTON—In a completely unintended development that has left the superpower scrambling to salvage its reputation on the world stage, the blundering U.S. government has accidentally stabilized a foreign country, sources within the intelligence…
LocalFlorida Mom Packs Little Manifesto In Child’s LunchFORT LAUDERDALE, FL—Saying it was an easy gesture that was guaranteed to bring a smile to the boy’s face, local mother Janet Rialto told reporters Thursday that she always made sure to pack a little manifesto in her child’s lunch. “It’s a small…
Breaking NewsEthical Diamond Company Only Uses White Children To MineNEW YORK—Emphasizing that they aimed to be as transparent about their sourcing as possible, executives at the ethical diamond company OutShine told reporters Wednesday they only used white children to mine. “As a modern, sustainable diamond company…
Breaking NewsU.S. Health Secretary Hopes No Ones Sees Her Take Quick Hit From Vape PenWASHINGTON—As she surreptitiously produced the device to obtain a much-needed dose of nicotine during a press conference Wednesday, sources confirmed U.S. Assistant Secretary for Health Rachel Levine hoped no one saw the quick hit she took from her…
FootballChiefs Second Super Bowl Win Proves Anything Possible If You Don’t Trade Up To Draft Mitch Trubisky
LocalAmazon Echo Declares It Heard Everything And It’s Taking The KidsCHESAPEAKE, VA—Lying in wait as local parents Trent and Petra Winstrom entered their home and switched on the light, the Amazon Echo in their home reportedly informed them Tuesday that it heard everything and it’s taking the kids. “That’s right,…
PoliticsAdam Schiff Seeks Diane Feinstein’s Endorsement By Playing Into Delusion He’s High School Sweetheart Who Died In WWII
LocalValentine’s Dinner Ruined After Boyfriend Overcooks Edible UnderwearCHICAGO—Rushing into the kitchen with shock after noticing the burnt candy odor, local man Tyler Suderman reportedly ruined Valentine’s Day dinner Tuesday after accidentally overcooking the edible underwear he had prepared for his girlfriend. “Oh…
Breaking NewsGeorge Santos Signs With IMG ModelsNEW YORK—Welcoming the 34-year-old freshman lawmaker into the fold, international modeling agency IMG Models confirmed Monday that it had signed Rep. George Santos (R-NY). “He’s fresh, he’s fun, and he exudes a rare kind of playful exuberance that’s…
LocalThings To Never Say To Someone With An OnlyFansOnlyFans is a popular online platform where creators can sell pornographic photos, videos, and other explicit content. If you know someone who is an OnlyFans user, here are things you should never say.
SlideshowConservatives Explain How Woke Culture Is Destroying AmericaAs the culture wars continue to escalate, many have cast the “woke mind virus” as public enemy No. 1. The Onion asked conservatives to explain how woke culture is destroying America, and this is what they said.
SportsNew FanDuel ‘Double Play’ Contest Offers Users Chance To Win Back HouseNEW YORK—Touting the new competition as perfect for anyone who wanted to continue placing bets after the NFL season ended, FanDuel unveiled a new “Double Play” contest Monday, offering users a chance to win back their house. “You may have made some…
FootballNick Sirianni Shows Why Andy Reid Was Right To Drop His Ass As Chiefs Wide Receivers Coach In 2012
FootballChiefs Second Super Bowl Win Proves Anything Possible If You Don’t Trade Up To Draft Mitch Trubisky
