Breaking NewsConservatives Explain Why The U.S. Should Invade MexicoMany Republican presidential candidates and members of Congress have called for U.S. military intervention to stop the flow of fentanyl from Mexico. The Onion asked conservatives why the United States should invade Mexico, and this is what they said.
LocalDelta Agent Calls For Dipshit Passengers To Mill About In Front Of Gate Before Their Turn To Board
Breaking NewsScientists Announce That Unexplored Parts Of Ocean Probably Contain More WaterCAMBRIDGE, MA—Advancing a bold new theory that could revolutionize the way scientists think about the planet, researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology announced Monday that the unexplored parts of the world’s oceans probably contain…
LocalChicago Approves Building Permit To Convert Affordable Housing Tower Into Single-Family HomeCHICAGO—In a move that remained controversial among residents of the surrounding neighborhood, Chicago city officials approved a building permit Monday that would allow the conversion of a publicly funded affordable housing tower into a…
Breaking NewsGreta Thunberg Embraces Big Oil After Visiting Really Nice Highway Truck StopPORTER, IN—In a surprising pivot that sent shock waves through the environmental movement, climate justice activist Greta Thunberg told reporters Monday that she was embracing big oil after visiting a really nice highway truck stop in Indiana. “If I…
EntertainmentJared Leto Asks If He Ever Going To Get Into Real Trouble For That Stuff He’s Been Doing
LocalBlack Conservative Argues Transatlantic Slave Trade Was Result Of Fatherlessness In Black CommunitySTANFORD, CA—Offering a concise explanation for the complex interaction of economic forces that gave rise to the widespread enslavement of Africans, a Black conservative scholar argued Wednesday that the transatlantic slave trade was the result of…
LocalConfusing Haunted Maze Fails To Explain Narratively Why Someone Would Jump Out From Corner Screaming
PoliticsFederal Government Announces They’ve Hidden Briefcase Full Of Slavery Reparations Somewhere In Continental U.S.WASHINGTON—Rolling out a new initiative to provide the financial restitution long advocated for by the Black community, the federal government announced Tuesday that it had hidden a briefcase full of slavery reparations somewhere in the continental…
PoliticsReport: Government Shutdown Could Imperil Hundreds Of Americans Currently At Top Of Federally Funded Ferris Wheels
PoliticsSnickering Teen Angels Appear Before Mike Pence To Tell Him It’s Totally God’s Will To Keep Running For President
Breaking NewsReport: U.S. Economy Loses $5 Billion Every Year To Americans Rising For National Anthem
EntertainmentJared Leto Asks If He Ever Going To Get Into Real Trouble For That Stuff He’s Been Doing
EntertainmentNew ‘Great British Baking Show’ Season Breaks Boundaries With First-Ever Yorkshire Pudding Contestant
