The Onion | America's Finest News Source.

Republicans Explain Why They Should Be Trump’s Running Mate

While Donald Trump has yet to pick a running mate for 2024, several notable individuals are aggressively vying for the role. The Onion asked Republicans why they should be Trump’s VP, and this is what they said.

Breaking News

George R.R. Martin Sues OpenAI For Copyright Infringement After Chatbot Mentions Incest

Politics

Zelensky Grabs Whatever Office Supplies He Can Get Hands On In Capitol, Saying He Needs It For War

WASHINGTON—Following hours of meetings with lawmakers to try to shore up U.S. support for his country, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky reportedly grabbed whatever office supplies he could get his hands on in the Capitol Thursday, saying he…

Local

Couple Ends Mutual Silent Treatment To Bond Over Disdain For Arrogant ‘Chopped’ Contestant

SPOKANE, WA—No longer able to suppress their percolating irritation with the self-described “culinary prodigy,” local couple Kevin Cochran and Tina Hayes reportedly ended their mutual silent treatment Thursday to bond over their shared disdain for…

Breaking News

Study Finds Drinking Children’s Blood No More Effective Than Regular Blood At Achieving Eternal Life

BOSTON—Challenging the alleged benefits of the practice as touted in the press and by social media influencers, a study published Thursday in the Journal Of Hematology concluded that drinking children’s blood is no more likely to lead to eternal…

Entertainment

Quiz: How Much Do You Know About Taylor Swift?

Breaking News

Scientists Announce Earth’s Core Can Play Blu-Rays

Football

NFL Introduces New Helmet Designed To Protect Players’ Wives

Watch

Ron DeSantis Announces He Will Live As Slave For One Year To Prove It Not Bad

Texas Launches Outreach Program To Provide Troubled Teens With Assault Rifles

00:35

Now playing

Department Of Transportation Announces $1 Billion Investment In Horses

00:42

Now playing

Biden Asks Americans To Come Sit By Him And Keep Him Company Until The End

00:26

Now playing

Archaeologists Uncover Living Guy By Mistake

00:30

Now playing

Check These Out

Opinion

Annoyed Murderer Starting To Worry Woman Never Going To Check Behind Shower Curtain

Local

R&B Song Clearly Started With Drip Sound Effect And Worked Backwards

Breaking News

Nation Could Have Sworn Russell Brand Was Already Convicted Sex Offender

Local

Show all

Local

8-Year-Old Makes Adorable Presentation To Parents About Why He Needs Gun To Kill Classmates

BOCA RATON, FL—Claiming that owning the weapon would teach him about responsibility, local 8-year-old Dylan Ellis made an adorable presentation to his parents Tuesday about why he needed a gun to kill his classmates. “Mom, Dad, as you can see, I do…

Local

Archrival Not Successful Either

Local

Man Ultimately Grateful He Chose To Go To Friend’s Wedding Instead Of Capitol Riot

Local

Impatient Guitar Student Asks How Long Until He Gets To Sleep With Teenagers

Local

Parents Sit Adopted Child Down To Explain Why He So Much Uglier Than Them

Politics

Show all

Infographic

Pros And Cons Of Impeaching Joe Biden

House Speaker Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) called for a formal impeachment inquiry into President Joe Biden for corruption related to his alleged role in his son Hunter’s overseas business dealings. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of impeaching the…