Spurs Defense Caught Off Guard By Flare Screen
Naked Eric Trump Runs Through State Dinner Pursued By Screaming Au Pair
WASHINGTON—Zigzagging through the State Dining Room in an effort to avoid bath time, a naked Eric Trump ran through his father’s first state dinner Tuesday pursued by a screaming au pair, White House guests have confirmed. The official ceremony to honor visiting French president Emmanuel Macron was reportedly…
Sean Hannity Linked To Shell Corporation That Spent $90 Million On Properties
Fox News commentator Sean Hannity has been linked to a web of shell companies that used millions in HUD assistance to buy more than 870 homes—a relationship that Hannity never disclosed despite HUD Director Ben Carson’s recent appearance on his show. What do you think?
Emmanuel Macron Amused By Little Differences In French, American Islamophobia
WASHINGTON—Explaining that he found the discrepancies “delightful” and “nothing to be embarrassed about,” Emmanuel Macron admitted during a chat with American leaders Tuesday that he was charmed by the little differences between Islamophobia in France and the United States. “In a broad sense, our cultures both share a…
Nation’s Drunk Strangers Announce Plans To Agree With Anything One Another Says
NASHVILLE, TN—Shouting to make themselves heard over the blasting music and the other bellowing drunks, the nation’s 12.6 million intoxicated strangers announced plans to agree definitively and completely with anything one another said, inebriated sources repeatedly confirmed Tuesday. “Fuck yeah, dude, you’re totally…
How FBI Investigations Work
The high-profile investigations by Special Counsel Robert Mueller and FBI officials into members of the Trump administration has put federal law enforcement in the spotlight. The Onion presents a guide to how FBI investigations work.
It’s Shameful That We Continue To Pay College Athletes Nothing While The Whistle Industry Reaps Massive Profits From Their Labor
Ever since I was a kid, I’ve been obsessed with college sports. Over the years, I’ve bonded with my buddies as we watched last-second comebacks and heart-wrenching defeats, cheering on our favorite teams. These days, though I remain a diehard North Carolina Tar Heels fan, I’ve reached a point where I can no longer…
Swaziland Changes Name To eSwatini
King Mswati III has changed the name of Swaziland to the Kingdom of eSwatini, meaning “place of the Swazi” in the Swazi language. What do you think?
Kobe Bryant Hits Editing Bay To Train In Defense Of This Year’s Oscar Win
LOS ANGELES—Dedicating himself to improving his skills every day in search of a repeat victory in the Best Animated Short category, Kobe Bryant reportedly hit the video editing bay Tuesday to work on defending his Academy Award win for Dear Basketball. “I’m trying to stay on top of my game, so I start every day at 6…
Schumer Introduces Measure To Decriminalize Marijuana
Chuck Schumer introduced legislation Friday to decriminalize marijuana, the first time that any party leader in Congress has endorsed rolling back such drug laws. What do you think?
Public Alert: The CDC Has Issued A Recall For All Romaine Lettuce Because It’s Time For Pizza!
If you haven’t heard the news yet, pay attention, because there’s been an urgent public alert issued by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention: Effective immediately, there is a nationwide recall for all romaine lettuce because it’s time for pizza!
Stressed-Out Sean Hannity Buys 12 Little Cabins In Maine To Get Away From It All
BAR HARBOR, ME—Explaining that he really needed to escape from the increased public scrutiny into his personal and professional life, stressed-out Fox News host Sean Hannity reportedly bought 12 little cabins in rural Maine over the weekend to get away from it all. “I was getting really burnt out with work stuff and…
Report: New ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ Season Focuses On Dangers Of Feminism Run Amok
SANTA MONICA, CA—Speaking about the upcoming episodes of the Hulu series at a press event, producers of The Handmaid’s Tale announced Monday that the second season would focus on the serious dangers posed by feminism run amok. “Fans of The Handmaid’s Tale are going to be thrilled to be back in the totalitarian…
Newborn Prince Of Cambridge Begins Consolidating Power By Having Family Imprisoned In Tower Of London
LONDON—Ruthlessly moving to stake his claim to the British throne mere moments after his parturition this morning, the newborn Prince of Cambridge began consolidating power by having all other members of the royal family imprisoned in the Tower of London, those close to the Crown report. “In what can only be seen as…
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