Sean McDermott Wonders If He Still Needs To Act Angry Even If Everyone Already Knows Bills Going To Lose

BUFFALO, NY—Watching his team fail miserably while attempting to convert yet another third down and long, Buffalo Bills head coach Sean McDermott wondered Sunday if he still needed to act angry even though everyone already knew the Bills were going to lose. “I mean, everybody saw this coming, should I even bother…

Over 417,000 Hours Of Private Presidential Conversations Discovered After No One Remembered To Turn Off Richard Nixon’s Tape Recorder

WASHINGTON—Baffled as to how the potentially disastrous mistake could have gone unnoticed for so many years, White House sources confirmed Friday that roughly 417,225 hours of private presidential conversations were discovered immaculately preserved due to the fact that no one remembered to turn off Richard Nixon’s…

Polite High School Football Team Runs Around Banner That Took Hours To Make

GRANDVIEW, TX—Sprinting onto the field with a thundering roar of “Pardon us, please,” the scrupulously polite Grandview Knights high school football team ran around a hand-drawn break-away banner Friday rather than bursting through it, recognizing that it must have taken hours of hard work to make. “So much talent and…

Trump Asks Why Kavanaugh Accuser Didn’t Just Immediately Request Hush Money

WASHINGTON—Questioning the actions taken by Christine Blasey Ford in the 1980s following the alleged sexual abuse by Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh while they were in high school, President Donald Trump reportedly asked Friday why she didn’t just immediately request hush money. “If this thing actually happened,…

Congress Wishes They Could Help Puerto Rico But It’s All The Way Over There

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that they really want to help any way they can, members of Congress announced Friday that while they desperately wish they could lend aid and assistance to the U.S. territory of Puerto Rico while it struggles to recover from Hurricane Maria, the fact remains that the island is all the way over…

Applicant Who Actually Faced Punishment For Sexual Assault Clearly Not Yale Material

NEW HAVEN, CT—Immediately dismissing the high school senior’s chances of acceptance after reviewing his record, Yale admissions officers reportedly decided Friday that an applicant who had actually faced punishment for committing sexual assault was clearly not Yale material. “We have a very high standard here at Yale,…

Man Who Just Beat Computer Solitaire Never Asked For Overwhelming Sensory Assault Of Victory Animation

UNION, KY—His eyes rolling back as the blinding light emanating from the display filled the room, local man Reeves Halko, his ragged voice barely audible over the deafening sound of cards shuffling faster and faster, confirmed Friday that he never asked for the overwhelming sensory assault of its victory animation.…