PoliticsBiden Won’t Rule Out Third-Party RunWASHINGTON—In a surprise move with the potential to upend the 2024 presidential race, Joe Biden refused Monday to rule out a third-party run. “It’s clear that the politics in Washington are broken, which is why I can’t exclude the possibility of a…
Breaking NewsPoll: Majority Of Americans Agree Larry Nassar Still Having Too Good A Time In PrisonWASHINGTON—According to the results of a new poll released by the Pew Research Center on Monday, a majority of Americans believe that Larry Nassar is still having too good of a time in prison. “We found that 87% of Americans were ‘extremely…
Breaking NewsChevron Promises Shareholders It Will Double TemperaturesSAN RAMON, CA—Asked on a quarterly earnings call about the oil company’s long-term prospects, Chevron executives on Monday reportedly promised shareholders they would double temperatures. “Over the next decade, we believe we can drive temperatures…
Breaking NewsChuck Schumer Calls On FDA To Investigate 72-Hour Erection He Got From Prime Energy DrinkWASHINGTON—Calling the influencer-backed beverage a serious public health concern, a visibly erect Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY) called on the FDA Monday to investigate the 72-hour erection he had experienced as a result of drinking Logan Paul’s Prime…
Breaking NewsReport: 76% Of Tinted Windows Conceal Pensive Celebrity Pondering How Disconnected They Are From Everyman
LocalPower Outage Forces Father To Chug All Milk In Fridge While Rest Of Family WatchesCLEVELAND—A loss of electrical power following a severe storm in the metropolitan area reportedly forced local father Allen Hardy to chug all the milk in the fridge Friday while the rest of the family watched. According to sources, the 48-year-old…
CommentaryAlso, I Shouldn’t Have To Disclose That I Had Sex With A Salmon | By Samuel AlitoBy Samuel Alito
MagazineMeet The 87-Year-Old EMT Who Is Continually Causing People To Die Because He Keeps Breaking His Own Arms When He Tries To Do CPR
