The Onion | America's Finest News Source.

Discontinued Girl Scout Cookies

5 Things To Know About ‘Allen V. Farrow’

Elon Musk Unveils New XL Flamethrower

Editorial Cartoon: ‘Non Protest March’

News in Brief

Disney Announces Next Movie Will Feature Princess With Never-Before-Seen Ethnicity

BURBANK, CA—Taking a huge step toward adding more diversity to their films, Disney announced Friday that the company’s next movie would feature a princess with a never-before-seen ethnicity. “The film will tell the story of a young girl who grows up…

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Cuomo Expresses Deep Regret That Grandma Didn’t Have The Balls To Tough It Out

News in Brief

Congress Cancels Thursday Session After Authorities Warn Of Looming Plot To Pass Stimulus Bill

WASHINGTON—Responding swiftly to the credible threat, Congress was reportedly forced to cancel its Thursday session after authorities warned of a looming plot to pass the stimulus bill. “Intelligence officials have informed us of a deeply unsettling…

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TikTok Assures Users Worried About Myanmar That They’re Aggressively Monetizing The Situation

CULVER CITY, CA—In response to growing outcry over soldiers using the platform to threaten violence on protestors opposed to the recent coup, TikTok reportedly assured users worried about Myanmar Thursday that they’re aggressively monetizing the…

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Heroic Conservative Risks Own Life To Hide Mr. Potato Heads In Attic

CINCINNATI—Shushing the toys as he carefully studied every vehicle and pedestrian passing by his house, heroic local conservative Darryl Sawchuck reportedly put his life on the line Thursday to hide several dozen Mr. Potato Heads in his attic.…

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Study Finds Beckoning Index Finger Still Most Effective Way To Get Americans Onto Dance Floor

Illustration for Principled Stand: Pedro Pascal Has Walked Off HBO’s ‘The Last Of Us’ After Realizing It’s Not The Kind Of Game That Involves Collecting Orbs

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Principled Stand: Pedro Pascal Has Walked Off HBO’s ‘The Last Of Us’ After Realizing It’s Not The Kind Of Game That Involves Collecting Orbs

News in Brief

Loved Ones Talk Down Goat Standing On Mountain’s Edge

News in Brief

Publisher Assures Readers They Can Still Make Dr. Seuss As Racist As They Want With Power Of Imagination

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Biden Nominates Popular Twitter Account @PossumEveryHour For OMB After Discovering Bipartisan Support Of Tweets

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Bronze Age Man Would Have Worn Nicer Pelts If He’d Known Scientists Would Find His Preserved Body In Bog

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Researchers Warn Of New Giant Covid-19 Variant Large Enough To Swallow Grown Man Whole

Politics

News in Brief

Biden Comforts Families Of Syrian Airstrike Victims With Eloquent Speech On Living With Heartbreaking Loss

WASHINGTON—Acting in his unofficial role as “consoler-in-chief,” President Joe Biden took some time Friday to comfort the families of those lost in yesterday’s airstrike with an eloquent speech on the challenges of living with heartbreaking loss.…

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Parliamentarian Cuts Minimum Wage From Stimulus Due To Obscure Rule Requiring Poor Citizens To Needlessly Suffer

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Joe Manchin Claims West Virginians Too Deficient In Character, Grit To Deserve $15 Minimum Wage

Infographic

Goals Of Biden Administration Reviewing U.S. Supply Chains

News in Brief

Florida GOP Introduces Ballotless Voting In Disenfranchised Communities

The Topical

Papa John’s Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce

The Topical

Scientists Warn Americans To Stay Away From That Bird

The Topical

Nation’s Arborists Once Again Urge Congress To Lower The Age Of Consent For Trees

Local

News in Brief

Democrat Reassures Friend This One Of The Good Syrian Airstrikes

CHICAGO—Following a report Friday that Joe Biden’s first military action as president had killed at least 22 people at sites used by Iranian-backed fighters, local registered Democrat Tim Randall was overheard reassuring a friend that this was one…

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No-Nonsense Negotiator Strong-Arms Landlord Into Fixing Toilet For Rent Increase

News In Photos

New Gym Member Already Seeing Positive Coronavirus Test Results

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Mom Moves In For Kill After Spotting Child’s Shirt Tag Sticking Out

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Bridesmaid Ruins Entire Universal Studios Toon Lagoon Bachelorette Party By Hooking Up With Dudley Do-Right

Slideshows

Slideshow

Gaming Win: This Pro Gamer Did Something Terrible And Everyone Is Sweeping It Under The Rug Like He’s A Real Celebrity

Illustration for Jesus Fucking Christ: Mario And Yoshi Used A Warp Block At The Same Time And Emerged Onto The Mario Party Board As A Horrifying, Fused Monstrosity

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Jesus Christ: Mario And Yoshi Used A Warp Block At The Same Time And Emerged Onto The Mario Party Board As A Horrifying, Fused Monstrosity

Illustration for Biggest Games Of Winter 2021

Slideshow

Discontinued Girl Scout Cookies

5 Things To Know About ‘Allen V. Farrow’

Elon Musk Unveils New XL Flamethrower

Editorial Cartoon: ‘Non Protest March’

Disney Announces Next Movie Will Feature Princess With Never-Before-Seen Ethnicity

Cuomo Expresses Deep Regret That Grandma Didn’t Have The Balls To Tough It Out

Congress Cancels Thursday Session After Authorities Warn Of Looming Plot To Pass Stimulus Bill

TikTok Assures Users Worried About Myanmar That They’re Aggressively Monetizing The Situation

Heroic Conservative Risks Own Life To Hide Mr. Potato Heads In Attic

Study Finds Beckoning Index Finger Still Most Effective Way To Get Americans Onto Dance Floor

Principled Stand: Pedro Pascal Has Walked Off HBO’s ‘The Last Of Us’ After Realizing It’s Not The Kind Of Game That Involves Collecting Orbs

Loved Ones Talk Down Goat Standing On Mountain’s Edge

Publisher Assures Readers They Can Still Make Dr. Seuss As Racist As They Want With Power Of Imagination

Biden Nominates Popular Twitter Account @PossumEveryHour For OMB After Discovering Bipartisan Support Of Tweets

Bronze Age Man Would Have Worn Nicer Pelts If He’d Known Scientists Would Find His Preserved Body In Bog

Researchers Warn Of New Giant Covid-19 Variant Large Enough To Swallow Grown Man Whole

Biden Comforts Families Of Syrian Airstrike Victims With Eloquent Speech On Living With Heartbreaking Loss

Parliamentarian Cuts Minimum Wage From Stimulus Due To Obscure Rule Requiring Poor Citizens To Needlessly Suffer

Joe Manchin Claims West Virginians Too Deficient In Character, Grit To Deserve $15 Minimum Wage

Goals Of Biden Administration Reviewing U.S. Supply Chains

Florida GOP Introduces Ballotless Voting In Disenfranchised Communities

Papa John’s Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce

Scientists Warn Americans To Stay Away From That Bird

Nation’s Arborists Once Again Urge Congress To Lower The Age Of Consent For Trees

Democrat Reassures Friend This One Of The Good Syrian Airstrikes

No-Nonsense Negotiator Strong-Arms Landlord Into Fixing Toilet For Rent Increase

New Gym Member Already Seeing Positive Coronavirus Test Results

Mom Moves In For Kill After Spotting Child’s Shirt Tag Sticking Out

Bridesmaid Ruins Entire Universal Studios Toon Lagoon Bachelorette Party By Hooking Up With Dudley Do-Right

Discontinued Girl Scout Cookies

Interior Decorating Tricks To Make Your Tiny Apartment Look Brown

Inspirational Mugs Your Therapist Doesn’t Want You To See

State-By-State Covid-19 Restrictions

Gaming Win: This Pro Gamer Did Something Terrible And Everyone Is Sweeping It Under The Rug Like He’s A Real Celebrity

Jesus Christ: Mario And Yoshi Used A Warp Block At The Same Time And Emerged Onto The Mario Party Board As A Horrifying, Fused Monstrosity

Biggest Games Of Winter 2021

Bad News For Gamers: OGN Has Learned Ocarinas Are Real And They Goddamn Suck

How We’re Celebrating Valentine’s Day In A Pandemic

Timeline Of Trump’s Second Impeachment

‘The Silence Of The Lambs’ Turns 30

The Onion’s Golden Globe Predictions

Matt Damon Lowers Cameo Fee To $15 In Hopes Of Getting More Hits

Obama Claims Hulu Execs Killed In Drone Strike Represented Direct Threat To Netflix’s Interests

Disney Announces Next Movie Will Feature Princess With Never-Before-Seen Ethnicity

Kings Of Leon To Release New Album As NFT After Vinyl Physically Rejects Attempted Pressing

Doctors Reassure Tiger Woods That You Don’t Have To Be In Good Physical Condition To Play Golf

Hockey Hall Of Fame Debuts Interactive Exhibit Letting Fans Play With Game-Used Teeth

The Biggest Snubs From The 2021 NBA All-Star Game

Michelle Wie Shoots 63 While Using Rudy Giuliani As Sand Wedge

National Guard May Deploy Up To 20,000 Troops To DC For Biden Inauguration

Bill Belichick Declines Medal Of Freedom From Trump

‘Sex And The City’ Reboot Will Not Include Kim Cattrall

Hallmark Asks Senators Hawley And Marshall To Return Political Donations