The Onion | America's Finest News Source.

America's Finest News Source.

America's Finest News Source.

Image for What To Say If You Want To Dump Your Therapist

What To Say If You Want To Dump Your Therapist

Breaking up with your therapist can be incredibly difficult, and it’s sometimes hard to know exactly what to say. Here are some helpful ways to break the news, and tell them that it’s time for you to get help from someone new.

Image for Oscar Mayer Introduces New Filter-Tip Hot Dogs For Healthier Meat-Eating Experience

Oscar Mayer Introduces New Filter-Tip Hot Dogs For Healthier Meat-Eating Experience

Report: Secretly Watching March Madness During Work Way Less Fun Working Remotely

HOUSTON—After an extensive study undertaken over the past two years, a new report published Friday by Rice University concluded that secretly watching the NCAA Division I Basketball Tournament at work was way less fun while working remotely. “The…

Dog Could At Least Try To Act Like It Cared About Ukraine

CHICAGO—Noting that the dog had failed to even acknowledged the devastating international conflict, local man Justin Chang told reporters Friday that his American pit bull terrier could at least try to act like he cared about Ukraine. “Uh, I don’t…

Americans Celebrate 4th Consecutive Victory Over Covid

WASHINGTON—Gathering with family and friends to mark another effective return to normality, Americans were reportedly celebrating their fourth consecutive victory over Covid on Thursday. “Defeating the virus just once would have been enough for us,…

Image for Putin Pleased As Plot To Ruin Russian Economy, Destroy International Standing Goes Exactly To Plan

Putin Pleased As Plot To Ruin Russian Economy, Destroy International Standing Goes Exactly To Plan

Image for George R.R. Martin Presses Ghostwriter On What’s Taking So Long

George R.R. Martin Presses Ghostwriter On What’s Taking So Long

Image for ‘Easy, Good Boy,’ Says UberEats Driver Trying To Hand Delivery To Man Without Getting Bitten

‘Easy, Good Boy,’ Says UberEats Driver Trying To Hand Delivery To Man Without Getting Bitten

Check These Out

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Easy 3 Ingredients

Image for Benefits Of Making Daylight-Saving Time Permanent

Benefits Of Making Daylight-Saving Time Permanent

Image for Pete Davidson To Join Next Blue Origin Space Flight

American Voices

Pete Davidson To Join Next Blue Origin Space Flight

Image for The Boys In The Ban

The Boys In The Ban

Image for Dangerous Conspiracy Theories On The Rise: Is This Shadowy Cabal Of Child-Eating Satanists To Blame?

Dangerous Conspiracy Theories On The Rise: Is This Shadowy Cabal Of Child-Eating Satanists To Blame?

Image for The Onion Fact-Checks Claims About The Ukraine Conflict

The Onion Fact-Checks Claims About The Ukraine Conflict

More

Image for Lies All Landlords Use To Try And Raise Your Rent

Lies All Landlords Use To Try And Raise Your Rent

Image for Airbnb Tests New Feature That Allows Black Guests

Airbnb Tests New Feature That Allows Black Guests

Image for National Air And Space Museum Acquires Rock Local Teen Threw Really, Really High One Time

National Air And Space Museum Acquires Rock Local Teen Threw Really, Really High One Time

Watchdog Warns Nearly Every Food Brand In U.S. Owned By Handful Of Companies, Which In Turn Are Controlled By Newman’s Own

Local

Image for Body Language Expert Can Tell With 90% Accuracy If Person Sitting

Body Language Expert Can Tell With 90% Accuracy If Person Sitting

NEW YORK—Explaining why she was in such high demand as an expert witness in courtrooms and as an analyst on news programs, body language specialist Linda Rothbaum told reporters Wednesday that she could discern with almost 90% accuracy whether a…

Image for Coleslaw Portion So Generous Man Feels Like He’s Getting Away With Robbery

Coleslaw Portion So Generous Man Feels Like He’s Getting Away With Robbery

Image for Inmate’s Last Words Hurt Warden’s Feelings

Inmate’s Last Words Hurt Warden’s Feelings

Image for Goldendoodle Not Good With People Who Earn Less Than 6 Figures

Goldendoodle Not Good With People Who Earn Less Than 6 Figures

Image for Refugee Probably Only Got Accepted To Country Because His Dad Was A Refugee

Refugee Probably Only Got Accepted To Country Because His Dad Was A Refugee

Politics

Image for Oil Companies Lament Rising Price Of Joe Manchin

Oil Companies Lament Rising Price Of Joe Manchin

IRVING, TX—In the wake of global turmoil and worsening inflation, oil companies were lamenting the rising price of Joe Manchin, sources confirmed Tuesday. “With the economy what it is and a split Senate, it seems like the price just keeps going up…

Image for Lies Elected Officials Tell Their Constituents All The Time

Lies Elected Officials Tell Their Constituents All The Time

Image for U.S. Condemns Russian Bombing Of Hospital As Horrific Act That Any World Power Could Theoretically Commit

U.S. Condemns Russian Bombing Of Hospital As Horrific Act That Any World Power Could Theoretically Commit

Image for Kamala Harris Nudges Stack Of Papers Off Desk To Distract Aide Before Twisting Office Clock To 5 P.M.

Kamala Harris Nudges Stack Of Papers Off Desk To Distract Aide Before Twisting Office Clock To 5 P.M.

Image for Texas Bans Consensual Sex

Texas Bans Consensual Sex

In Case You Missed It

Image for Tax Loopholes The IRS Doesn’t Want You To Know About

Tax Loopholes The IRS Doesn’t Want You To Know About

Image for Most Popular Local Dish In Every State

Most Popular Local Dish In Every State

Image for Worst Social Media Mistakes You Can Make While Posting About War

Worst Social Media Mistakes You Can Make While Posting About War

Image for Richest Billionaires In The World And How They Avoid Paying Taxes

Richest Billionaires In The World And How They Avoid Paying Taxes

Image for Square Enix Writers Explain Why They’ll Never Put The Coward Marlin Into A ‘Kingdom Hearts’ Game

Square Enix Writers Explain Why They’ll Never Put The Coward Marlin Into A ‘Kingdom Hearts’ Game

Image for Good News RPG Fans: We’re All Constantly Playing Some Kind Of Role No Matter What

Good News RPG Fans: We’re All Constantly Playing Some Kind Of Role No Matter What

Image for Ultimate Betrayal: It Has Come To Our Attention That There Is A Non-Gamer Within The Ranks Of Our Readership, And We Will Find You

Ultimate Betrayal: It Has Come To Our Attention That There Is A Non-Gamer Within The Ranks Of Our Readership, And We Will Find You

Image for Cut It Out: You Can Criticize King K. Rool’s Actions Without Resorting To Insulting His Weight

Cut It Out: You Can Criticize King K. Rool’s Actions Without Resorting To Insulting His Weight

Videos

Image for Easy 3 Ingredients

Easy 3 Ingredients

Image for Taxidermist Returns Finished Bob Dole To Display In Capitol Rotunda

Taxidermist Returns Finished Bob Dole To Display In Capitol Rotunda

Image for AARP Offers Honorary Membership To Young People Whose Lives Are Essentially Over

AARP Offers Honorary Membership To Young People Whose Lives Are Essentially Over

Image for Title: Investigators Identify Infamous ‘Ted Bundy’ Serial Killer

Title: Investigators Identify Infamous ‘Ted Bundy’ Serial Killer

Entertainment

Image for Easy 3 Ingredients

Easy 3 Ingredients

Image for George R.R. Martin Presses Ghostwriter On What’s Taking So Long

George R.R. Martin Presses Ghostwriter On What’s Taking So Long

Image for Dangerous Conspiracy Theories On The Rise: Is This Shadowy Cabal Of Child-Eating Satanists To Blame?

Dangerous Conspiracy Theories On The Rise: Is This Shadowy Cabal Of Child-Eating Satanists To Blame?

Image for Taxidermist Returns Finished Bob Dole To Display In Capitol Rotunda

Taxidermist Returns Finished Bob Dole To Display In Capitol Rotunda

Sports

Image for Report: Secretly Watching March Madness During Work Way Less Fun Working Remotely

Report: Secretly Watching March Madness During Work Way Less Fun Working Remotely

Image for Professor Not Buying Student’s Bullshit About Having To Play In NCAA Tournament

Professor Not Buying Student’s Bullshit About Having To Play In NCAA Tournament

Image for Beijing Streets Overrun By Hundreds Of Stray Olympians After End Of Games

Beijing Streets Overrun By Hundreds Of Stray Olympians After End Of Games

Image for Cincinnati Residents Take Solace After Loss In City’s Lack Of Culture, Terrible Food, Stupid Name, Boring Downtown

Cincinnati Residents Take Solace After Loss In City’s Lack Of Culture, Terrible Food, Stupid Name, Boring Downtown

Opinion

Image for Pete Davidson To Join Next Blue Origin Space Flight

American Voices

Pete Davidson To Join Next Blue Origin Space Flight

Image for U.S. Senate Approves Bill To Make Daylight Saving Time Permanent

American Voices

U.S. Senate Approves Bill To Make Daylight Saving Time Permanent

Image for Asteroid Impacts Earth 2 Hours After Being Discovered

American Voices

Asteroid Impacts Earth 2 Hours After Being Discovered

Image for Elon Musk Challenges Vladimir Putin To ‘Single Combat’ For Ukraine

American Voices

Elon Musk Challenges Vladimir Putin To ‘Single Combat’ For Ukraine