Breaking NewsClarence Thomas Swallows Whole Bottle Of OxyContin During Recess In Attempt To Get In On Purdue SettlementWASHINGTON—Moments after calling for a brief adjournment to arguments appealing the pharmaceutical giant’s bankruptcy deal, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas reportedly spent the recess swallowing an entire bottle of OxyContin in an effort to…
PoliticsThird-Party Candidate Promises To Fill Whatever Void Still Left Between Centrist Democrats, Centrist RepublicansST. LOUIS—Vowing to provide what could technically be considered an alternative, third-party candidate Patrick Laine promised Monday to fill whatever void was still left between centrist Democrats and centrist Republicans. “Americans deserve choice,…
OpinionConservatives Explain Why Football Is Too WokeAlthough football was previously considered a manly, patriotic sport, the modern NFL has done nothing but capitulate to the far-left mob. The Onion asked conservatives to explain why the sport is too woke, and this is what they said.
PoliticsThird-Party Candidate Promises To Fill Whatever Void Still Left Between Centrist Democrats, Centrist RepublicansST. LOUIS—Vowing to provide what could technically be considered an alternative, third-party candidate Patrick Laine promised Monday to fill whatever void was still left between centrist Democrats and centrist Republicans. “Americans deserve choice,…
EntertainmentPanic-Stricken Taylor Swift Receives Yet Another Text From Brittany Mahomes Saying ‘Hey Girlie’
LocalMan Really Knocking Manifesto Out Of Park Since Moving To Secluded Cabin In WoodsFLORENCE, WI—Saying the freedom from distractions like internet service and electromagnetic waves had done him a world of a good, local man Tad Deeran told reporters this week that he had really been knocking his manifesto out of the park since…
Breaking NewsJimmy Carter Sprays A Little Cologne Down Front Of Pants Before Big First DatePLAINS, GA—As he finished getting ready for his first night out since the passing of his wife Rosalynn earlier this month, former President Jimmy Carter reportedly sprayed a little cologne down the front of his pants Thursday before a big first…
PoliticsBiden Campaign Imperiled By Really Scratchy Blanket That Makes It Hard For President To Sleep
Breaking NewsStudy Finds Young Americans Eschewing Dating Apps In Favor Of Government-Run Breeding Camps
FootballModern-Day Mother Teresa Waits For Player On Stretcher To Give Thumbs-Up Before Considering Fantasy Implications
FootballFrustrated Robert Kraft Wishes There Were Somewhere He Could Go To Relieve Tension Of Patriots Season