Carmelo Anthony Struggles To Get Rhythm Back After Making Shot
Barbara Bush Dies At 92
Former First Lady Barbara Bush, mother to George W. Bush and wife to George H.W. Bush, passed away yesterday at the age of 92. What do you think?
Big Step Backward: J.K. Rowling Has Revealed That Dementors Are The Wizarding World’s Version Of Italians
Buckle up, Harry Potter fans, because J.K. Rowling’s latest bombshell about the series definitely isn’t doing anything for inclusivity: The bestselling author has revealed that Dementors are the wizarding world’s version of Italians.
Congress Not Sure What It Did To Make Trump Think It Wouldn’t Roll Over For Whatever He Wants In Syria
WASHINGTON—Following President Trump’s decision to launch airstrikes in Syria without seeking approval from Congress, GOP lawmakers reportedly asked what they had ever done to make the commander in chief think they wouldn’t immediately knuckle under and let him bomb whomever he wishes. “Honestly, he ought to know by…
Cottonelle Adds Blue Strip To Toilet Paper But Keeps What It Does A Secret
IRVING, TX—Refusing to confirm nor deny that the addition had anything to do with personal hygiene, Cottonelle unveiled its new ULTRA Comfort Care toilet paper Wednesday now infused with a mysterious thin blue strip. “Is it scented? Does it help track your intestinal health? Is there some sort of lotion in it? It…
Impoverished Kenyan Bean Picker Can’t Wait To See What Starbucks Has To Say About Racial Sensitivity
NYERI, KENYA—Reacting to news that Starbucks will close more than 8,000 locations for a day to conduct anti-discrimination training, impoverished Kenyan bean picker Adamu Mwangi told reporters Wednesday he couldn’t wait to hear the international coffee giant’s perspectives on racial sensitivity. “I think this could…
Immersive Gaming FTW: Nintendo Has Released A Chair That Will Launch You Through Your TV If You Crash In ‘Mario Kart’
All right, Nintendo Switch fans, pause your games, because you’re definitely going to want to hear this: Nintendo has just released a chair that will launch you through your TV set if you crash in Mario Kart.
TGI Fridays Is A Human Right
Each of us, regardless of the circumstances of our birth, is entitled to basic human dignity. That means freedom from fear and from want. It means access to food, clothing, shelter, and medicine. But it also means dining with friends and family in an environment where one can, on any day of the week, enjoy “that…
New Law Requires Sex Offenders To Inform Residents Before Moving Into Their Homes
SPRINGFIELD, IL—In a move designed to keep citizens aware of any potentially dangerous individuals sharing their address, the Illinois General Assembly passed a new law Wednesday requiring sex offenders to inform residents that they will be moving in with them. “Going forward, all registered sex offenders will be…
Kendrick Lamar Wins Historic Pulitzer Prize For ‘DAMN.’
In the first such award bestowed on a work outside of jazz and classical music, the Pulitzer Prize in Music was given to Kendrick Lamar’s album DAMN., which the board called a “virtuosic song collection unified by its vernacular authenticity.” What do you think?
Alex Jones Pleads With Sandy Hook Parents To Imagine Pain An Expensive Lawsuit Would Cause Him
AUSTIN, TX—In response to multiple families suing him for defamation over his claims that the 2012 shooting was a hoax, InfoWars host Alex Jones plead with Sandy Hook parents Tuesday to imagine the enormous pain that such an expensive lawsuit would cause him. “Please, I’m begging you—have a heart and think about the…
Comey Says Trump ‘Morally Unfit’ To Be President As Clash Escalates
In the latest barrage between the former FBI director and the White House, James Comey told ABC News that Trump was “morally unfit” to be president while Trump countered on Twitter that Comey had “committed many crimes.” What do you think?
Step Right Up And Feast Your Eyes On The Unfathomable Comey, The Man Who Is Both Good And Bad! The Beautiful Monster Who Makes Resisters’ Minds Spin! Betrayer Of Hillary! Enemy Of Trump! Behold This Freak Of Nature!
Ladies and gentleman of the #Resistance, what you are about to witness is a sight so strange, so confounding to the mind, so utterly freakish, that we urge all those faint of heart to look away from this ghastly exhibition at once. Behold! It is Comey! The FBI Man who is both Good and Bad!
Hannity Claims Relationship With Cohen Never Went Past Payment For Legal Advice, Defense Strategy In Criminal Cases
NEW YORK—Saying that any past interactions he’d had with the attorney were completely informal, Fox News television host Sean Hannity told reporters Tuesday that his relationship with Michael Cohen never went beyond paying him for legal advice and discussing criminal defense strategies. “Mr. Cohen is no more than an…
More from The Onion
- Mueller Combs Through Dozens Of Damning White House Emails He Was Accidentally CC’d On
- Controversial Theory Suggests Aliens May Have Built Ancient Egypt’s Intergalactic Spaceport
- Half-Empty Bottle Of Colt 45 Left On Church Steps Must Be Offering To God
- Man Fears He May Never Trust Again After Treasured Picture Of Duck Turns Out To Be Rabbit
