CAMDEN, NJ—In a move that has left grocery store shelves empty across North America, an increasingly paranoid Campbell’s Soup Company has begun stockpiling the entire production of its eponymous canned soup in preparation for the total catastrophic collapse of civilization. “The end is nigh, and the only way to…
LAWRENCEVILLE, GA—Insisting that the machine was operating exactly as intended, Georgia election worker Mitchell Hamlin reportedly assured a black man on Tuesday that the ballot scanner was supposed to sound like a shredder. “Don’t you worry, it’s designed to sound like it’s ripping your ballot into thousands of tiny…
In a finding divided more by party than gender, a poll found that 43 percent of Americans believe the #MeToo movement has gone “too far,” expressing concern about the rush to judgment and unproven accusations ruining peoples’ careers. What do you think?
FORT WAYNE, IN—Growing increasingly frustrated as he attempted to cast his vote in the midterm elections despite a severe lack of clarity and transparency, citizen Geoff Barnes admitted Tuesday that he was deeply confused by an obscure down-ballot measure to determine the senator for his district. “I don’t even know…
SAN FRANCISCO—Encouraging voters in need of a ride to take full advantage of the company’s drivers, ride-share service Uber announced Tuesday it would be offering discounted wages for its employees on Election Day. “We want people to get out and vote, which is why our drivers will be working at a 75 percent discount…
Only about 40 percent of eligible Americans vote in a typical midterm election and around 60 percent in a presidential election, leading some to suggest the U.S. follow other countries’ lead and make voting compulsory, while critics warn it could have negative consequences. The Onion evaluates the pros and cons of…
GREENSBORO, NC—Admitting that it was difficult to keep up with all the different races, North Carolina voter Darin McDonough told reporters Tuesday that he was somehow voting for the Montana Senate and the mayor of Phoenix, AZ in his heavily gerrymandered district. “Man, there is a lot of confusing stuff on here. I’m…
Citizens nationwide are heading to the polls today to cast their votes in the 2018 midterms, deciding which party will control the U.S. House and Senate, alongside other local offices and issues. What do you think?
Seven years in the making, Red Dead Redemption 2—the third installment in Rockstar Games’ Western-themed series—is one of the most anticipated games of this console generation, and in many ways, this cowboy epic blows away those expectations. Playing through its gunfights, train raids, and elegiac storyline, I…
HILLIARD, IA—Beginning to worry about his chances as he followed live Election Day media coverage, Libertarian Party House of Representatives candidate Maxwell Booth was reportedly concerned Tuesday after the latest polls showed him 98 points behind his competitors. “We knew it would be a tough race, but I have to…
WASHINGTON—Telling reporters that they were sick and tired of having their views ignored, Americans nationwide demanded Tuesday that their voices be heard and also some kind of dessert you get after breakfast. “For too long, we have stood in the shadows, silenced by the powerful—but no longer. We insist on…
WASHINGTON—Stressing the importance of participating in the democratic process as envisioned by our nation’s founders George Washington and Santa Claus, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. were reportedly proud Tuesday after mailing in hand-drawn Republican midterms ballots to the North Pole. “We couldn’t make it to the…
WARMINSTER, PA—Claiming he simply didn’t connect with any of the people running for office this year, voter Carson Smith voiced his desire Tuesday for some kind of pre-midterm election race where voters could choose from better candidates. “I would have loved a chance, say, four or five months before the midterms, to…
Humanity has wiped out 60 percent of the world’s mammals, birds, fish, and reptiles since 1970, leading experts at the World Wildlife Fund to warn of an extinction crisis now threatening civilization. What do you think?
Ridley Scott confirmed that he is currently working on a sequel to the critically acclaimed film Gladiator, which will focus on the life of the character Lucius as an adult. What do you think?
WASHINGTON—Saying they just wanted a short breather before having to dive right back into national politics, Americans begged Monday for the midterm elections to be pushed back to delay start of the 2020 presidential bids. “Please, the later you can schedule the general elections, the more time we’ll have until we…
