The Trump IndictmentsRepublicans Explain Why Trump Is InnocentFollowing the former president’s third indictment, The Onion asked Republicans to explain why Donald Trump is innocent, and this is what they said.
Breaking NewsWater Shortage Forcing More Golf Courses To Use InsulinSACRAMENTO, CA—In an effort to abide by emergency conservation measures issued by the State Water Resources Control Board, golf courses in California have been forced to use insulin to maintain their fairways and greens, sources confirmed Friday.…
PoliticsSen. Feinstein Cedes Power of Attorney To Broom Resembling DaughterWASHINGTON—Granting the cleaning implement full legal authority over her personal affairs, Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) reportedly ceded her power of attorney on Friday to a broom resembling her daughter. “At my age, it’s important to have a…
Breaking NewsFBI Arrests Millions Of Americans Who Didn’t See ‘Sound Of Freedom’ Under Suspicion Of Child TraffickingWASHINGTON—Noting that children were safer now that these sick individuals were off the street, the FBI arrested millions of Americans Friday who did not see Sound Of Freedom under suspicion of child trafficking. “Today, we’ve detained countless…
Local‘I See…Unfortunately, You Must Now Be Punished,’ Says Doctor Learning Patient Doesn’t Have Health Insurance
LocalDepressed Woman’s Sole Source Of Pleasure Looking At Pictures Of Food On Restaurant WebsitesCHICAGO—Clicking on a photo of a bowl of noodles overlaid with the text “Dinner,” local depressed woman Alice Priestley confirmed Thursday that her sole source of pleasure was looking at pictures of food on restaurant websites. “That looks good,”…
LocalWoman’s Entire Self-Worth Dependent On Ability To Accomplish Unrealistic Goal By Arbitrary Deadline
LocalWoman Will Always Remember Deceased Grandmother As Person Whose House Family Had To Visit Sometimes
PoliticsThe Onion Explains ‘Bidenomics’President Biden seems poised to make “Bidenomics”—a raft of economic legislation passed during his term, as well as future proposals—the centerpiece of his reelection campaign, arguing that the U.S. economy is strong. But is it really? The Onion…
Breaking NewsBloodied, Bruised Biologists Confirm Kangaroos Still 8 Times Stronger Than Average Human
EntertainmentStudio Salvages Terrible Film’s Box Office Numbers By Marketing It As Movie Liberals Don’t Want You To See
