Hundreds Of People Exactly Like Manafort, Cohen Enjoy Another Day Without Any Consequences Whatsoever
PETA Condemns BBC For Trapping Thousands Of Endangered Animals Inside TV Screens
LOS ANGELES—Slamming the practice as cruel and inhumane, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals condemned the British Broadcasting Corporation Tuesday for trapping thousands of endangered animals inside television screens. “It is disgusting the way the BBC keeps these endangered species confined inside TV…
Rudolph Giuliani: ‘Truth Isn’t Truth’
Describing his reluctance to allow the president to speak with the special counsel’s office, Trump lawyer Rudolph Giuliani told Meet The Press host Chuck Todd that “truth isn’t truth.” What do you think?
Frustrated Men Demand To Know ‘Exactly Where On Tits It Okay To Touch Nowadays’
KUTZTOWN, PA—Expressing their confusion and anger over today’s ever-changing social mores, the nation’s self-described “frustrated ordinary men” demanded Tuesday that someone tell them exactly which area on a woman’s breasts it was still acceptable to just walk up and touch. “We can’t keep track of every time some…
New Neutrogena Extra-Strength Face Wash Instantly Dissolves Bad Skin
LOS ANGELES—Claiming their new quick-acting solution will slough off your oily T-zone and other problem areas within seconds, Neutrogena introduced Tuesday an extra-strength face wash that instantly and permanently dissolves bad skin. “We’re excited to offer customers our new ultra-astringent Extra-Strength Skin…
Record Number Died In Opioid Epidemic In 2017
Overdoses from opioids hit a record high of 72,000, CDC estimates suggest, although deaths have started decreasing in parts of New England thanks to government responses. What do you think?
LeBron James Crestfallen After Learning L.A. Doesn’t Have Any Rock And Roll Museums
LOS ANGELES—Disappointed that his new home lacked Cleveland’s amazing variety of cultural institutions, Lakers power forward LeBron James was reportedly crestfallen Tuesday after learning Los Angeles does not have any rock and roll museums. “I always loved the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame in Cleveland and just kind of…
Emotional Elon Musk Recalls Spending Entire Birthday Working On Concepts For Mistreating Employees
LOS ANGELES—Revealing his vulnerable side in a starkly honest interview, an emotional Elon Musk recalled this week how he spent his entire birthday alone working on concepts for new ways to mistreat employees at the Tesla factory. “When you’re the CEO, the responsibility of developing innovative new ways of…
Ingenious Political Analyst Points Out Irony Of Melania Trump Speaking Out Against Cyber Bullying When Her Husband Donald Trump
WASHINGTON—In a dazzling display of superior intellect and penetrating insight, ingenious political analyst Mark Morelli pointed out Monday the irony of Melania Trump speaking out against cyberbullying when her husband is U.S. President Donald Trump. “Wow, it is so hypocritical of the first lady to criticize…
Intelligence Setback: The CIA Is In Crisis Mode After ISIS Made Its Instagram Private
America’s intelligence community suffered a massive setback today that experts say will have massive ramifications throughout the world of counterterrorism: The CIA has gone into full-on crisis mode after ISIS set its Instagram account to private.
Trump Cancels Military Parade, Citing Price
President Trump cancelled plans for a Washington, D.C. military parade originally scheduled to happen on Nov. 10, 2018, blaming costs reported to be as high as $92 million. What do you think?
Trump Accuses Voters Of Meddling In Midterms
WASHINGTON—Warning that the group was secretly planning to affect the outcome of the November elections, President Donald Trump accused voters Monday of meddling in the upcoming midterms. “It’s clear that the disgusting and disgraceful voters are going to try to influence the midterms—the voters must be stopped!” said…
Secretary Of Education Reveals She’s Forced To Use Own Salary On Yacht Supplies
WASHINGTON—Tearing up while describing how insufficient government funding often fails to cover the cost of essential materials, Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos revealed Monday that she was forced to use her own salary to purchase supplies for her yacht. “People are under the false impression that yachts come fully…
Icy Cave At Peak Of Andes Mountains Now Sole Remaining Place On Earth Where You Can Escape This
MENDOZA PROVINCE, ARGENTINA—Noting that it was the only location on the planet to calm your mind and forget about everything going on, sources confirmed Monday that a secluded cave on an icy peak in the Andes mountains is the one place left on earth where you can escape this. “If you wish to free yourself from all of…
