OpinionCollectors Explain Why They Acquire Nazi MemorabiliaWith many claiming their intentions were not even the slightest bit antisemitic, The Onion asked several collectors of Third Reich memorabilia why they spend so much money on Nazi art, uniforms, and items personally owned by Adolf Hitler.
LocalAirline Forced To Remove Sober Buzzkill From Flight To Las VegasATLANTA—After law enforcement escorted a passenger off the plane and charged him with orderly conduct, United Airlines confirmed Wednesday that it had been forced to remove sober buzzkill Ted Barnwell from a flight to Las Vegas. “During our…
LocalUncle’s Dating Advice Sex CrimeJEFFERSON CITY, MO—Pulling aside his nephew and providing him with completely unsolicited guidance, local uncle Mitch Fulton, 55, reportedly offered dating advice Tuesday that qualified as a sex crime. “He asked me if I wanted a sip of his beer and…
LocalMan Delays Exit From Burning House To Avoid Small Talk With NeighborsBOZEMAN, MT—Smoke filling his lungs as he waited back, local man Colin Jensen reportedly delayed his exit from his burning house Friday to avoid small talk with his neighbors. “The flames are definitely getting closer, but if I can hold out for five…
PoliticsSen. Feinstein Faces Increased Pressure From Hallucination Of JFK Yelling At Her To Step Down
OpinionConservatives Explain Why They’re Boycotting BudweiserFollowing the backlash to Anheuser-Busch partnering with trans woman Dylan Mulvaney, The Onion asked conservatives to explain why they’re boycotting Budweiser and this is what they said.
Breaking NewsConservatives Boycott Computers After Noticing Keyboard Can Be Used To Type ‘Trans’NAMPA, ID—Expressing their dismay with yet another product overtaken by the liberal conspiracy to destroy traditional lifestyles, conservatives around the country reportedly began boycotting computers Friday after noticing their keyboards could be…
Breaking NewsThousands Of Beef Ribs Fall From Sky Onto Empty Plates Of Texans Who Strapped On Bib, Prayed For Dinner
LocalGun Safety Course Stresses To Always Make Sure Firearm Completely Unloaded Into Victim Before Storing
LocalSan Francisco Realtor Shows Couple Earning Under 6-Figure Salary Around Neighborhood’s Best Tent City
Breaking NewsTrump Takes Out Full-Page Newspaper Ad Calling For Death Penalty For HimselfNEW YORK—Paying out of pocket to print his reaction to a highly publicized court case in four area newspapers, former President Donald Trump took out full-page ads Tuesday calling for New York to reinstate capital punishment and sentence him to…
Breaking NewsQuiz: Could You Pass A Police Officer Entrance Exam?Take this practice test to see if you have the guts, courage, and ruthlessness to pass a police officer entrance exam.
OpinionConservatives Explain Why They Support Genital Inspections For Child AthletesSeveral states recently passed laws legalizing genital inspections for trans children who wish to play sports in school. The Onion asked conservatives why they support state-sanctioned genital inspections for minors, and this is what they said.
FootballBrowns GM: ‘If I Could Go Back, I’d Offer Deshaun Watson More Money’CLEVELAND—Asked if he had any regrets about the fully guaranteed five-year, $230 million deal the team gave the quarterback in 2022, Cleveland Browns GM Andrew Berry told reporters Friday that if he could go back, he would offer Deshaun Watson more…
