WASHINGTON—Informing those in her professional life of her career plans, outgoing White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders reportedly told colleagues Friday she would be serving for a time as CEO of Google before gradually taking on a permanent position as the sultan of Brunei. “It’s been the honor of my…

MONTES APENNINUS, THE MOON—Gazing upon the stark beauty of the land, retired astronaut Buzz Aldrin announced “one day, this will all be yours” to his great-grandson Nathaniel Friday while taking him on a brief tour around the Moon. “From the Tycho Crater to the Oceanus Procellarum, this land is your birthright as an…

EVERYWHERE—Claiming that they just couldn’t stand this bullshit anymore, Americans across the country confirmed Thursday that someone, anyone needs to please, just make it stop. “Please, please, please, we’re begging you here, just put an end to it immediately,” said sources, noting that it had all gone way, way too…

ANTARCTICA—Cackling as they stuffed a rag into the Democratic governor’s mouth and tied his hands behind his back, the DNC committee reportedly tossed a bound Jay Inslee onto a melting iceberg Friday and pushed him out to sea. “Well, well, well, if it isn’t my good friend Mr. Inslee! Tell me, sir, as a Democratic…