The Onion | America's Finest News Source.

Signs Your Boss Is Definitely Underpaying You

Are You Depressed? Read These Common Symptoms To Find Out

Details Of Biden’s Child Vaccination Plan

Smithsonian Acquires Arms Of Kermit The Frog Puppeteer

Slideshow

What Your Partner Is Actually Thinking During Sex

Unless you are a necrophiliac, it’s only natural to wonder what your partner is thinking during intercourse. Here are several common thoughts everyone has in the bedroom.

News In Brief

Crypto-Averse Man Would Prefer Investing In Traditional Stock Market He Also Doesn’t Understand

News In Brief

Thrift Store’s Bookshelf Has Some Pretty Solid PS2 Games

PORTLAND, ME—Impressed by the wide range of genres and titles on display for Sony’s mid-aughts video games console, sources confirmed Friday that the bookshelf at local thrift store Gently Used has some pretty solid PlayStation 2 games. “Dynasty…

News In Brief

Democrats Reach Deal To Introduce Landmark Fundraising Email

WASHINGTON—Hailing it as a historic agreement and a culmination of President Biden’s domestic agenda, congressional Democrats successfully reached a deal Thursday to introduce a landmark fundraising email. “We couldn’t be more thrilled to put…

News In Brief

Retired NFL Player Touts Sports Betting App As Exact Way He Went Bankrupt

ORLANDO, FL—Hailing the product as a way users can get a piece of real-life action, retired NFL player Warren Sapp touted sports betting app DraftKings this week as the exact way he went bankrupt. “This is the closest you’ll ever get to being an NFL…

News In Brief

Composer Surrounded By Discarded Sheet Music Suddenly Perks Up At Sound Of Rhythm Of The City

News In Brief

Biden Scales Down $2 Trillion Climate Plan To Single Reusable Grocery Bag

News In Brief

Woman Starting Netflix Movie Horrified To Realize It TV Show

Basketball

New York City Reinstates Full Lockdown After Disturbing Reports That Knicks May Resume Play

News In Brief

Megan Fox Worried Machine Gun Kelly Only With Her To Meet Transformers

News In Brief

Florida School Revises Covid Guidelines To Reflect Latest Misinformation

Slideshow

Things Gen Z Hates About Millennials

Local

Show all

News In Brief

Unclear What Strings Entrée Pulled To Nab Full-Page Picture On Menu

GORHAM, ME—Voicing their suspicions about backroom deals being cut at the local restaurant, patrons at the Blue Pig Diner told reporters Tuesday it was unclear to them what strings the Caesar salad wrap entrée had pulled to snag a full-page color…

Slideshow

Signs You Are About To Get Fired

News In Brief

Woman In Giddy Honeymoon Stage Of Hating Someone New

News In Brief

Man Who Posted ‘We Can All Get Through This Together’ Kicked Off Social Media For Spreading Covid-19 Hoax

News In Brief

Sister-In-Law Sources Reveal ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ Still Running

Politics

Show all

News In Brief

Democrats Attempt To Woo Joe Manchin For Reconciliation Bill By Taping Single Hershey’s Kiss To Latest Draft

WASHINGTON—In their latest effort to bring the centrist lawmaker aboard for the party’s signature legislation, Democrats reportedly attempted to woo Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV) Monday by taping a single Hershey’s Kiss to the reconciliation bill’s latest…