News in Brief
BREAKING: This Is A Test Of The Onion’s Emergency Headline System
CHICAGO—WARNING WARNING ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT, sources confirmed Thursday that this is a test of The Onion’s Emergency Headline System. Please excuse this interruption from your previously scheduled headlines while The Onion reviews its emergency…
News in Brief
Study: Humans Began Domesticating Animals To Comfort Children Whose Parents Split Up
LEXINGTON, KY—Providing insight into the customs and social dynamics of prehistoric populations, researchers at the University of Kentucky published a study Friday revealing that humans began domesticating wild animals in order to comfort children…
News in Brief
Study Finds Most Restaurants Fail Within First Year Of It Becoming Illegal To Go To Them
COLUMBUS, OH—Calling bankruptcy an “unfortunate reality” for many current small business owners, a new study published Wednesday by Ohio State University found that most restaurants fail within the first year of it becoming illegal to go to them.…
Politics
Show allShow all Politics stories
News in Brief
Congress Sets Aside $1,200 In Trust For Each American Until They Prove They’re Responsible Enough To Handle It
WASHINGTON—Following days of partisan gridlock over its emergency economic stimulus plan, Congress announced sweeping new legislation Wednesday that would place $1,200 into trust funds for each individual American until they have proved they’re…
Local
Show allShow all Local stories
News in Brief
It Instantly Clear Girlfriend Used To Fuck Guy Being Mentioned In Anecdote
HAVERFORD, PA—Noticing a marked mid-anecdote shift in tone as well as several meaningfully deliberate pauses, local boyfriend Anton Bridgewater instantly concluded Wednesday that his girlfriend, Leya Ferguson, used to fuck the guy she mentioned…
Videos
Show allShow all videos
Entertainment
Show allShow all
Sports
Show allShow all
