CHICAGO—Expressing his incredulity at the race participants’ level of entitlement, a local man who set up a table full of water cups at Grant Park told reporters Sunday he had no idea how passing marathon runners got the impression they could just take them. “I came here like I do every weekend to enjoy a leisurely…
WINDSOR, ENGLAND—Bemoaning their luck as they watched other wedding guests happily mingle over dinner, Meghan Markle’s college friends confirmed Saturday that they had gotten stuck sitting at a table with the British Royal Family’s sickly Habsburg cousins. “Ugh, of course we get saddled with the weird, pale cousins…
This week, pop band Backstreet Boys released “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart,” their first single in five years, alongside a music video in which they dance with a female hologram. What do you think?
WINDSOR, ENGLAND—Attempting to keep his past in the past while setting up a shot of newlyweds Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, royal wedding photographer Geoff Kelly was unable to completely suppress his guilt over the 1997 incident in which he ran Princess Diana off the road in Paris’ Pont de l’Alma tunnel, killing…
It’s hard to imagine a more high-pressure situation than officiating a royal wedding that hundreds of millions of people are watching, and that pressure is clearly getting to officiant Justin Welby, who in his opening address just introduced bride Meghan Markle as “Michael Morgle.” After announcing the groom, Prince…
Averaging about 1.5 million listeners per episode, Pod Save America has established itself as one of the most popular political podcasts available today. The show is hosted by four former Obama White House staffers, and has featured a variety of influential Democrats as guests, including Kamala Harris, Elizabeth…
WINDSOR, ENGLAND—Ensuring his college friend had a comfortable place to crash while in town for the upcoming wedding, Prince Harry led guest Arnold Hayweather to an air mattress in an unused side room at Windsor Castle. “Ah, here we are. I inflated the old boy pretty good, so feel free to let some air out if it’s too…
SANTA FE, TX—In the hours following a violent rampage in Texas in which a lone attacker killed eight individuals and seriously injured several others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Friday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from…
WASHINGTON—Explaining the strategy behind the recent domestic deployment of their new geological weapon, U.S. military officials released a statement Friday defending their much-criticized decision to test the Kilauea volcano on Hawaiian civilians. “The defense of our nation is paramount, and as recently as last…
Longtime McDonald’s fan Don Gorske entered the Guinness Book Of World Records after eating his 30,000th Big Mac, calling the hamburger sandwich “the best food I’ve ever had.” What do you think?
BERKELEY, CA—Extrapolating trends observed over the course of the previous few generations, sociologists at the University of California, Berkeley confirmed Friday the inevitable emergence of a generation more entitled and self-absorbed than any seen before. “According to our data, we are roughly a decade from…
Since day one of his orange presidency, Drumpf has wasted no time putting his name on the hard-earned achievements of those before him and chalking those accomplishments up as his own personal successes. We saw this cheap political tactic wielded again this week as the U.S. moved its embassy to Jerusalem, stoking…
WASHINGTON—Challenging American citizens to band together, rise up, and break out of their “mind prisons,” mohawked former Secretary of State Rex Tillerson Thursday warned that U.S. democracy was being threatened by plutocratic fascist pigs fucking over the working man. “These totalitarian autocrats are coming to fuck…
SACRAMENTO, CA—Claiming she had been keeping a cautious eye on him from the moment she sat down, local woman Rebecca Marinelli confirmed Thursday that she anxiously reached for her cell phone after a suspicious-looking black man told her the soup of the day was minestrone. “I just didn’t like the look of him, lurking…
WASHINGTON—Confident that their findings represented a clear step forward in the ongoing Russia investigation, the Senate Intelligence Committee confirmed Thursday that Donald Trump Jr. has no knowledge. “After questioning him many times, we can confirm that Donald Trump Jr. knows absolutely nothing about anything;…
SANTA FE, NM—Stoking readers’ anticipation about the long-awaited Game Of Thrones sequel, best-selling author George R.R. Martin promised fans Thursday that his upcoming novel The Winds Of Winter was nearly started. “I wanted to let everyone know that I’m sitting at my desk with a nice cup of tea, I’ve got a Word…
North Korea threatened to cancel President Trump’s upcoming nuclear summit with Kim Jong-un Wednesday following a U.S. military drill, though the United States downplayed the likelihood of a cancellation. What do you think?
