The Onion | America's Finest News Source.

America's Finest News Source.

America's Finest News Source.

Image for Insomnia Experts Unanimously Recommend Giving Up And Scrolling ‘The Onion’ Until Daybreak

Insomnia Experts Unanimously Recommend Giving Up And Scrolling ‘The Onion’ Until Daybreak

CHICAGO—Evaluating a number of available treatment options for chronic insomnia, sleep experts at Rush University released a report Monday touting a unanimous recommendation to just give up and scroll The Onion’s website until daybreak. “After…

Image for Mercedes Addresses Nazi Contributions With Reminder That Third Reich Had Notoriously High Standards

Mercedes Addresses Nazi Contributions With Reminder That Third Reich Had Notoriously High Standards

HR Reminds Employees In Office Relationship They Should Give HR Some Sugar Too

NEW YORK—Saying the policy was intended to ensure all workers felt fairly treated, Cardiff Digital’s human resources department reminded employees Monday that if they are in an office relationship, HR should get some sugar, too. “Employees in office…

Luka Doncic Spends Offseason Adding New Complaints To Repertoire

DALLAS—Telling reporters about the adjustments he had made to his game over the summer, Dallas Mavericks point guard Luka Doncic confirmed Monday that he spent his offseason adding a variety of new complaints to his repertoire. “The offseason is…

Stargazing Woman Reminded Of How Small Own Tits Are In Grand Scheme Of Things

Image for Most Glaring Times Trump's Children Have Broken The Law

Most Glaring Times Trump's Children Have Broken The Law

Image for England Exits Somber Mourning Period To Resume Joyless Normalcy

England Exits Somber Mourning Period To Resume Joyless Normalcy

Image for Struggling U.S. Military Requires Every Soldier To Recruit Additional 300 New Troops

Struggling U.S. Military Requires Every Soldier To Recruit Additional 300 New Troops

Watch

Daily Affirmation: I Don't Need Help

Report: A Nice, Smooth Cigarette Sounds Good Right About Now, Doesn’t It?

The Royal Line Of Succession

British People Explain Why They Support The Monarchy

Dairy Queen Fires Employee Who Discovered Blizzard Machine Gained Sentience

Check These Out

Image for Wisconsinites Explain Why They Are Voting For Ron Johnson

Wisconsinites Explain Why They Are Voting For Ron Johnson

Image for Guide And Prejudice

Guide And Prejudice

Image for Niemann Cheating Scandal Spirals Out Of Control As Magnus Carlsen’s Rook Found Dead

Niemann Cheating Scandal Spirals Out Of Control As Magnus Carlsen’s Rook Found Dead

Image for U.S. Sees Surge In STI Cases

American Voices

U.S. Sees Surge In STI Cases

Image for Man At Strip Club Buffet Pays Extra To Get Private Time In Backroom With Buffalo Wing

Man At Strip Club Buffet Pays Extra To Get Private Time In Backroom With Buffalo Wing

Image for Mr. Autumn Man Walking Down Street With Cup Of Coffee, Wearing Sweater Over Plaid Collared Shirt

Mr. Autumn Man Walking Down Street With Cup Of Coffee, Wearing Sweater Over Plaid Collared Shirt

More

Image for Conservatives Explain What They Will Do If Trump Is Prosecuted

Conservatives Explain What They Will Do If Trump Is Prosecuted

Image for More Cities Now Providing Special Disposal Bin For Cursed Artifacts

More Cities Now Providing Special Disposal Bin For Cursed Artifacts

Image for Premium DraftKings Feature Lets User Select Players To Have Legs Broken By Goons

Premium DraftKings Feature Lets User Select Players To Have Legs Broken By Goons

Image for U.S. Landlord General Announces Plans To Fix Constant Flooding Sometime In Next Few Months

U.S. Landlord General Announces Plans To Fix Constant Flooding Sometime In Next Few Months

Local

Image for Shoplifter Always Gets Little Adrenaline Rush After Stealing Basic Necessities For Family

Shoplifter Always Gets Little Adrenaline Rush After Stealing Basic Necessities For Family

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Remarking that nothing made her feel more alive than walking out of a store with unpaid items, shoplifter Jessica Thatcher told reporters Tuesday that she always got a little adrenaline rush after stealing basic necessities for her…

Image for Airbnb Owner Outbid On House By Family That Just Going To Use It As A Home

Airbnb Owner Outbid On House By Family That Just Going To Use It As A Home

Image for Very Important Man One Of The Main Guys Where He Works

Very Important Man One Of The Main Guys Where He Works

Image for Grizzled Old Man Caught Off Guard Hasn’t Heard That Name In A Long Time

Grizzled Old Man Caught Off Guard Hasn’t Heard That Name In A Long Time

Image for Blackout Drunk Man Reasons That More Alcohol Could Only Make Him Feel Even Better

Blackout Drunk Man Reasons That More Alcohol Could Only Make Him Feel Even Better

Politics

Image for Greg Abbott Sends Hundreds Of Migrants To DeSantis’ House To Teach Him Lesson About Stealing Idea

Greg Abbott Sends Hundreds Of Migrants To DeSantis’ House To Teach Him Lesson About Stealing Idea

AUSTIN, TX—Citing a lack of originality in the Florida governor’s decision to ship displaced Venezuelans to Martha’s Vineyard this week, Texas Gov. Greg Abbott sent hundreds of migrants to Ron DeSantis’ house Friday to teach him a lesson about…

Image for Republicans Explain Why They Oppose Ranked-Choice Voting

Republicans Explain Why They Oppose Ranked-Choice Voting

Image for Clarence Thomas Annoyed After Getting Another Text From Wife Nagging Him To Overthrow Government Before He Gets Home From Work

Clarence Thomas Annoyed After Getting Another Text From Wife Nagging Him To Overthrow Government Before He Gets Home From Work

Image for Conservative Commentators You Never Knew Started In Hollywood

Conservative Commentators You Never Knew Started In Hollywood

Image for Steve Bannon Arraigned On Public Indecency Charges For Going Around Looking Like That

Steve Bannon Arraigned On Public Indecency Charges For Going Around Looking Like That

In Case You Missed It

Image for Airbnb Owners Explain Why They Oppose Regulations

Airbnb Owners Explain Why They Oppose Regulations

Image for Everything Listed In The Queen’s Will And Where It’s Going

Everything Listed In The Queen’s Will And Where It’s Going

Image for Embarrassing Mistakes Every College Freshman Makes

Embarrassing Mistakes Every College Freshman Makes

Image for Fox News Hosts React To Dominion Voting Systems Lawsuit

Fox News Hosts React To Dominion Voting Systems Lawsuit

Entertainment

Image for Daily Affirmation: I Am Light

Daily Affirmation: I Am Light

Image for NASA Announces Mars Rover Ran Into Jason Schwartzman But Didn’t Take Any Pictures Because It Didn’t Want To Be Weird

NASA Announces Mars Rover Ran Into Jason Schwartzman But Didn’t Take Any Pictures Because It Didn’t Want To Be Weird

Image for This Southwestern Casserole Is So Good It Will Be The Only Thing Your Child Remembers About You After You Die

This Southwestern Casserole Is So Good It Will Be The Only Thing Your Child Remembers About You After You Die

Image for Dirt: After 75 Years, Why It’s Still One Of The Top Destinations For Bugs

Dirt: After 75 Years, Why It’s Still One Of The Top Destinations For Bugs

Sports

Image for Luka Doncic Spends Offseason Adding New Complaints To Repertoire

Luka Doncic Spends Offseason Adding New Complaints To Repertoire

Image for Premium DraftKings Feature Lets User Select Players To Have Legs Broken By Goons

Premium DraftKings Feature Lets User Select Players To Have Legs Broken By Goons

Image for Aaron Rodgers Downplays Rough Start As Normal Ups And Downs Of Massive Global Conspiracy

Aaron Rodgers Downplays Rough Start As Normal Ups And Downs Of Massive Global Conspiracy

Image for Referees Call For Replay To Admire Great Call

Referees Call For Replay To Admire Great Call

Opinion

Image for Martha’s Vineyard Residents React To DeSantis Flying Migrants To Island

Martha’s Vineyard Residents React To DeSantis Flying Migrants To Island

Image for British People Explain Why They Support The Monarchy

British People Explain Why They Support The Monarchy

Image for New York Subway To Install Security Cameras In All Train Cars

American Voices

New York Subway To Install Security Cameras In All Train Cars

Image for Billionaires Explain How They Are Preparing For The Apocalypse

Billionaires Explain How They Are Preparing For The Apocalypse