JACKSONVILLE, FL—Facing backlash for warning voters not to “monkey this up” and vote for his black political opponent, Andrew Gillum, Republican gubernatorial candidate Ron DeSantis held a press conference Thursday to clarify that his comments were intended as a subtle enough dog whistle to racists that he could…
TUSCALOOSA, AL—Suddenly realizing that the tradition was actually sort of strange when one stopped to really think about it, University of Alabama administrators admitted to reporters Thursday that it was pretty weird that they let a bunch of 20-year-olds live in a big mansion and torture each other. “I guess allowing…
CHAPEL HILL, NC—Responding to concern about the Trump administration accusing hundreds of Hispanic people living near the U.S.–Mexico border of having fraudulent birth certificates and revoking their passports, political scientists reassured Americans Thursday that stripping minority groups of their citizenship is…
After reportedly causing disputes with President Trump over his cooperation with the special counsel, White House Counsel Don McGahn will step down in the fall. What do you think?
CODAJÁS, BRAZIL—Saying that he was willing to try anything once, a praying mantis in the Amazon rainforest hesitantly agreed to his girlfriend’s sexual fantasy of eating his head during sex, sources confirmed Thursday. “Honestly, I was a little wary when she first told me she was fantasizing about devouring my head,…
WASHINGTON—Declaring the rapid decrease in the population of several endangered species “problematic,” Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke called for new legislation Thursday designed to slow the destruction of the nation’s wildlife so that he might relish every last minute of its extinction. “We need to preserve…
FAIRFAX, VA—Expressing immense gratitude for their role in normalizing and promoting the pursuits of marginalized people, the National Alliance on Mental Illness issued a statement Thursday praising the National Rifle Association for decreasing the stigma around mentally ill people acquiring firearms. “There are still…
BILLINGS, MT—Resigning herself to the fact that perhaps she just wasn’t meant to have smooth, detangled hair, area woman Candace Fard confided to reporters Thursday that after being let down by yet another leave-in conditioner, she wasn’t sure she could ever put herself out there again. “I’ve been burned so many times…
WASHINGTON—Shedding new light on the vulnerability of low-income Americans struggling in the face of a Mack truck, a report from the Brookings Institution confirmed Thursday that the poor are often hit hardest by 18-wheelers. “The economically disadvantaged face a great variety of challenges, but sometimes the single…
A U.S. federal judge extended a ban on the online distribution of 3D-printed gun blueprints, agreeing that their publication would violate states’ rights to regulate firearms. What do you think?
PHILADELPHIA—Revealing that after the Super Bowl he could have taken over several big-time bake sales, Nick Foles told reporters Thursday that he turned down significant volunteer opportunities at church to remain with the Philadelphia Eagles. “I had my fair share of great offers this offseason, but in the end, I…
YELLOW BLUFF, AL—Emphasizing how important it was for his well-being to cut the cord and start harassing more minorities in person, white supremacist Alan Kearney, 63, told reporters Thursday that he’s been living a much more fulfilling, racist life since getting kicked offline. “Sitting behind a screen all day was…
Former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort spoke with Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s team about a potential plea deal before talks fell apart. What do you think?
NINTH CIRCLE, HELL—Stressing that the situation in the underworld was quickly spiraling out of control, Satan, the Great Tempter and Father of Lies, announced Wednesday that he would not allow any more Catholic priests to enter hell. “This place is completely overrun with those monsters, and frankly, they kind of…
KAUKAUNA, WI—Given pause after witnessing the consequences of their actions, members of a sixth-grade class at River View Middle School reported feeling kind of bad Wednesday after discovering how little effort it took to make their teacher, 23-year-old Kayla Martin, cry. “Oh, jeez, now I feel guilty—I realize we were…
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