ROXBOROUGH, PA—Wondering what kind of honor a company bestows upon a part-time clerical employee, the family of local woman Maureen Tavlin, 51, reported Wednesday there was simply no way of knowing whether the vague award their mother received at work was a big deal or what, exactly. “She got this little plate that…
In a critical blow to the prime minister, the U.K. parliament voted to reject Theresa May’s Brexit deal. What do you think?
NEW YORK—As part of its effort to provide the most comprehensive reporting possible on the freshman congresswoman, Fox News announced Wednesday the debut of a new premium television channel that will offer continuous, around-the-clock updates on Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY). “For an extra $8.99 per month,…
OMAHA, NE—Deeming her entire apartment an “accident waiting to happen,” local woman Jeanine Kratz, 29, told reporters Wednesday that she was rushing to hide any fragile objects and cover up sharp corners on tables before her boyfriend came over. “I really have to clean this place up as much as possible, because Chuck…
BOULDER, CO—Complaining about the 25-year-old’s superficial choice deviating from society’s standard relationship terminology, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that pretentious woman Louisa Owens chose to continually refer to her slam piece as her “partner.” “Oh, please—Jack’s your ‘partner’ now? Give me a break. Stop…
An Instagram photo of an egg posted by @world_record_egg received 35 million likes, surpassing the last record holder, Kylie Jenner, to become the most-liked Instagram post in history. What do you think?
ROSEBURG, OR—Noting the wide variety of nonperishable items lining the shelves, furloughed government employee Sheena Enders, 38, confirmed Wednesday she was using some of the time off from her job with the U.S. Census Bureau to visit the local food pantry she had heard so much about. “I’ve driven past this place…
Insurance for pets has been on the rise in recent years, and is now an over $1 billion industry representing millions of pets nationwide, but many critics say it’s not worth it. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of getting pet insurance.
BRUSSELS—Saying they were tired of getting jerked around by some “has-been pseudo-monarchy,” fed-up European Union officials rejected the United Kingdom Tuesday and gave the British people 30 days to vacate Europe. “Listen, we’re so goddamn sick of this nonsense—grab your stuff and get the hell out,” said European…
Senator Mitt Romney and Majority Leader Mitch McConnell have sharply criticized GOP Rep. Steve King (R-IA) for comments he made that were sympathetic to white supremacy. What do you think?
Here’s a story about an absolutely disgusting animal that will make you furious: This dog can smell cancer, and he gets really, really happy when he does.
NEW YORK—In a surprise announcement Tuesday, pharmaceutical giant Pfizer revealed that the blockbuster drug Viagra contained absolutely no active ingredients and that, all along, “the real medicine” that had been giving its users erections was confidence. “While many of our customers thought they were taking a PDE5…
SAN ANTONIO—Staring into the distance with his mouth agape and sweat beading on his forehead, NBA referee JB Derosa was reportedly terrified Monday after seeing a depiction of his own death while looking under the replay hood. “JB was under there a while on what seemed like a routine call, then all of a sudden, he…
WEST LONG BRANCH, NJ—Shedding new light on the U.S. populace’s view of current national predicaments, a Monmouth University poll released Tuesday revealed that an increasing number of voters hold the founding fathers responsible for starting America. “As many as 75 percent of voters blame the country’s issues on the…
WASHINGTON—Standing uncharacteristically firm as the partial government shutdown stretched into the 25th day, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer admitted Tuesday that he was honestly pretty amazed he hadn’t caved yet. “Realistically, I thought I’d make it five days max before rolling over and giving them whatever…
After President Trump’s firing of FBI director James Comey, the bureau became so concerned about his behavior that they began investigating whether he was collaborating with Russia, although the findings of the inquiry are unclear. What do you think?
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