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Kansas National Guard Announces They’re Ready To Defend Against An Attack On Kansas At Any Time

TOPEKA, KS—In an evidently unprovoked statement, Kansas National Guard Brigadier General Anthony V. Mohatt announced Thursday that the Kansas National Guard was ready to defend against attacks on Kansas at any time. “From the rolling hills of the…

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Nation Glad To See Baseball Players Still Have Names Like Mookie Betts

The Topical

Conservatives Hopeful SCOTUS Majority Will Bring Days Of On-Demand Cervical Cancer Detection To An End

Hear why many Christian pro-life groups are celebrating what they believe could be the judicial power needed to stop pap smears and HPV tests for good.

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Experts Predict Covid-19 Vaccine Could Be Ready As Soon As Team Of Sled Dogs Traverse Yukon With It

WASHINGTON—Suggesting that the end of the pandemic may be in sight, epidemiological experts predicted Wednesday that the Covid-19 vaccine could be ready as soon as a team of sled dogs could transport it across the wild tundras of the Yukon. “We’re…

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Paleontologists Unearth Rare, Mint-Condition Triceratops Skull In Goodwill Bin

YONKERS, NY—Touting the groundbreaking discovery as the deal of a lifetime, paleontologists from Columbia University announced Wednesday that they had unearthed a rare, mint-condition triceratops skull in a bin at a local Goodwill. “We have…

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Trump Campaign Reminds Supporters To Make Voting Intimidation Plan

News in Brief

Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About

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Highly Informed Voter Has Spent Weeks Studying Trump, Biden Yard Signs

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New Stimulus Bill Would Require All Americans To Mail Government $1,200 Check

Sports News In Brief

Sam Darnold Pissed He Forgot To Bench Self On Fantasy Team

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New Store Going To Have To Earn Place On Strip Mall Sign

Illustration for Wawaweewa! iBorat Subsequent Moviefilm/i Is Here And 2020 Is Officially The Best Year In History!

Wawaweewa! Borat Subsequent Moviefilm Is Here And 2020 Is Officially The Best Year In History!

Politics

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Amy Coney Barrett Promises Catholic Faith Won’t Interfere With Court’s Crushing Of The Poor, Downtrodden

WASHINGTON—In an effort to assure critics during her Senate confirmation hearing for the Supreme Court, Judge Amy Coney Barrett promised Monday that her Catholic faith’s tenets of generosity and humanity would not interfere with her duty on the…

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Right-Wing Militia Wondering When Someone Will Notice They’ve Been Holding J.B. Pritzker Hostage For Months

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How Trump Can Beat Biden

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‘Poll Watching Is Not Voter Intimidation,’ Trump Supporter Whispers Into Ear Of Man Filling Out Ballot In Voting Booth

News in Brief

‘Thank God I Voted Absentee In Whatever Dumb Ohio Town I’m From,’ Say Brooklyn Residents

The Topical

Conservatives Hopeful SCOTUS Majority Will Bring Days Of On-Demand Cervical Cancer Detection To An End

The Topical

High Crime Rate Leading More Inmates To Consider Moving Out Of Prison

The Topical

Report: Friends Don’t Really Think Of You As Part Of Group

Local

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Man Cannot For The Life Of Him Understand Why Wife Enjoys TV Show Marketed Toward Married 30-50-Year-Old Women

TAOS, NM—Admitting that he “didn’t get the hype” over the serialized drama, local man Connor Sharp revealed Friday that he could not for the life of him understand why his wife, Lauren, enjoys a television show marketed toward married women between…