‘There Are Things That Exist Which Are Not Good,’ Says Obama In Stunning Rebuke Of Trump
Distraught Mueller Burns Every Piece Of Evidence In Case After Hearing Trump’s Critique Of U.S. Intelligence Community
WASHINGTON—Tossing a lit match on the assemblage of kerosene-doused case files, transcripts, and seized hard drives, Special Counsel Robert Mueller burned every piece of evidence in his investigation into 2016 election interference Tuesday after hearing President Trump’s pointed critique of the U.S. intelligence…
Supporters Praise Trump For Upholding Traditional American Value Of Supporting Murderous Dictators For Political Gain
WASHINGTON—In the aftermath of the president’s controversial meeting with Russian president Vladimir Putin in Finland, supporters reportedly praised Donald Trump Tuesday for upholding the traditional American value of supporting murderous dictators for political gain. “It is a proud moment in American history to…
Most Infamous Cults In History
People have long been fascinated by cults, and by what possesses someone to join these tightly knit, secretive, and often violent social groups. The Onion looks back at the most infamous cults in history.
Man Feels Less Guilty About Gentrifying Eastern European Neighborhood
CHICAGO—Although his move comes on a wave of rising rents and shifting demographics, area man Blake Joyner felt only moderately guilty this week about his role in gentrifying a historically Eastern European neighborhood. “Don’t get me wrong, people of Eastern European descent face their fair share of problems, but I…
Theresa May: Trump Told Me To Sue The EU
British prime minister Theresa May revealed that President Trump told her to “sue the EU” in order to successfully complete Brexit, but noted she thought the suggestion was “too brutal.” What do you think?
Woman Informs Husband That He Made New Friend
ANN ARBOR, MI—Noting that the two had really seemed to hit it off at the neighborhood barbeque, Sheila Glaspy informed her husband Mark that he had made a brand-new friend, family sources confirmed Tuesday. “Wow, you had a great time talking to Dennis tonight,” Glaspy told her husband, commenting that Mark and his new…
GOP Leaders Move Goalposts On Opposing Trump To Him Being Filmed Masturbating On U.S. Flag In Arlington Cemetery
WASHINGTON—Promising citizens that they would finally take action if the President crossed this new red line, GOP leaders announced Monday that they were moving their goalposts for opposing Trump to him being filmed masturbating on an American flag in Arlington National Cemetery. “After today’s attack on U.S.…
Trump Sits Down With Putin
Amid mounting findings about Russian interference in the 2016 election, President Trump will sit down with Vladimir Putin in an attempt to normalize relations and improve bilateral ties. What do you think?
End Of An Era: Kellogg’s Is Shutting Down Eggo After Its CEO Had A Freaky Dream About Waffles
If you’re a fan of Eggo waffles, you better stock up now while you still can: After 50 years of dominating the frozen waffle market, Kellogg’s announced today that it’s shutting down Eggo because its CEO had a freaky dream about waffles.
New ICE Agent Establishes Dominance By Beating Up Biggest Child Prisoner On First Day
MCALLEN, TX—In an effort to teach other juvenile detainees to keep their distance, newly hired ICE agent Kevin Michelson revealed this week that he had established dominance on his first day by beating up the biggest child prisoner he could find. “Just to make sure the pecking order in this place is crystal clear, I…
Take That, Drumpf! British Protesters Flew A Trump Baby Balloon To Symbolize That He Is Full Of Innocent Love And Infinite Curiosity
During Trump’s trip to England, protesters totally owned him in the most awesome way possible. A giant balloon of Trump as a baby flew over the streets of London to demonstrate that he is full of innocent love and infinite curiosity.
Poll Finds 97% Of Americans Don’t Know Who Donald Trump Is
WASHINGTON—With results that were consistent across every demographic group in all 50 states, a poll published Monday by the Pew Research Center revealed that 97 percent of U.S. citizens do not know who Donald Trump is. “When interviewed, the overwhelming majority of Americans did not recognize Donald Trump’s name,…
Bodybuilder Strong, But Now What?
AMES, IA—Staring wistfully in the mirror as he flexed his tanned, oversized muscles, local bodybuilder Jai Dragovich told reporters Monday that ever since he became sufficiently strong, he couldn’t help but wonder: now what? “I’ve been so busy finding out how much weight I could lift that I never paused to ask if this…
Elon Musk Insists He’d Be Much More Innovative Pedophile Than Thailand Rescue Worker
PALO ALTO, CA—Doubling down on a recent controversial statement he made about a British cave diver who helped free a youth soccer team from a cave in Thailand, Tesla CEO Elon Musk reportedly insisted Monday that he would be a much more innovative pedophile than rescue worker Vernon Unsworth. “Look, the only insulting…
Report: Therapist Just Saying That To Make You Feel Better
HOBOKEN, NJ—Shining new light on the words that offered you comfort just moments ago, a report released Monday found that your therapist was actually only saying that to make you feel better. According to sources, the debilitating self-hatred you feel is based in real problems you should address immediately, and it’s…
Total Idiot Resorting To Tribalism Decades Before Climate Catastrophe Makes It Necessary
SPRINGFIELD, IL—Spurning the more moderate opinions of those he now regards as outsiders, total idiot Rick Thomas resorted Monday to tribalism decades before the inevitable climate catastrophe makes it necessary, confirmed sources close to the dipshit. “There’s a war going on out there, and a man has got to choose his…
Hundreds Of Rowdy Starship Crews Disembark In NYC During Intergalactic Fleet Week
NEW YORK—Materializing, deorbiting, and making Earthfall by the thousands, rowdy and unruly starship crews from all corners of the transhuman sphere began arriving in New York City to participate in Intergalactic Fleet Week 2018, terrestrial sources confirmed Monday. “We’ve had to upgrade our security big-time,” said…
