PHILADELPHIA—Calling the contraction of the disease “not good,” and saying that not having the illness is highly preferable to having it, oncologists representing the American Association for Cancer Research urged the U.S. populace Monday not to get cancer.
Continue Reading
NEW YORK—Saying the area felt like the “perfect fit” for him, local asshole Kyle Howard expressed his excitement Wednesday at moving to the part of the city where all the assholes live. “I’m really glad I moved here [among every other asshole in the city],” said the 31-year-old asshole, who, given…
Continue Reading
GREENVILLE, NC—Noting that the celestial body’s return to this position in space demanded more personal accountability, sources confirmed Monday that the Earth’s successful completion of an orbit around the sun inspired local woman Vivian Turner to reflect on her eating habits. “Now that the planet I live on has…
WASHINGTON—Fooling themselves into believing things were going to be turning around, delusional sources reported Friday that 2018 will be the year it’s all going to fall into place. “No ifs, ands, or buts about it, everything is finally going to come together in 2018,” said Liam Thomas of Margate, FL, echoing the…
BROOKLYN, NY—Wearing a brand-new dress while carefully applying her makeup for the evening, local single woman Kelly Duval was reportedly getting all dolled up Sunday to watch a room full of people make out this New Year’s Eve. According to sources, Duval was going to great lengths to create big, bouncy curls in her…
In a year where the news media fell under escalating criticism for fabrication, The Onion’s unparalleled reportage and sterling journalism revealed the core truth of 2017: That every other news organization is, indeed, lying to you. They are lying to you and, moreover, they believe you are the sort of gullible fool…
The Defense Department has been investing $22 million per year into investigating unidentified flying objects, a New York Times report found, contradicting government statements that the program was shut down in 2012. What do you think?
Twitter began banning violent or abusive user accounts this week, including several notable white supremacists and leaders of the far-right. What do you think?
NORWICH, CT—Saying he might very well be the one, area woman Bethany Han told reporters Friday that she could imagine spending her whole life in uncomfortable silence with the man she was currently on a first date with. “I know we just met, but there’s something about Bill that makes me feel like I could awkwardly sit…
HAVERHILL, MA—Doing his best to mask his disappointment that the package didn’t contain the cable-knit cashmere sweater he’d had his heart set on, local child Max Campbell reportedly spared his uncle’s feelings Friday by pretending to like the Xbox One X he received as a gift. “Thanks, Uncle Joe, I’ll definitely get a…
According to a list compiled from leaked user data, this year’s most popular passwords include several perennial favorites such as “football,” as well as new passwords such as “starwars” and “iloveyou”. What do you think?
