The Onion | America's Finest News Source.

Nervous New Driver Going To Stick To Sidewalks Until He’s More Confident

What To Know About Bill And Melinda Gates’ Divorce

History Of U.S. Politicians Being Punished By Their Own Party

Editorial Cartoon: ‘Ms. Placed Priorities’

Slideshow

The Most Infamous Crimes In Every State

The Onion takes a look back at some of the most notorious, heinous, and downright idiotic crimes committed in all 50 states of America.

News in Brief

Man Pushing Self To Point Of Effort

News in Brief

No One At Laser Tag Prepared For How Hard Dad Was Going To Bring It

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Reeling with surprise as the 45-year-old dove behind cover and shouted out commands to his teammates, guests at local child Chase Williamson’s laser tag birthday party confirmed Thursday that they were not prepared for how hard his…

News in Brief

Jordan’s Game-Used Tongue Sold For $1.38 Million At Auction

DURHAM, NC—Scooped up after a bidding war by a die-hard fan who intends to display it in his private residence, Michael Jordan’s game-used tongue sold for 1.38 million dollars at auction Friday. “We’re talking about a piece of basketball history…

News in Brief

Taco Bell Employee Has Had Far Greater Positive Impact On People’s Lives Than Firefighter Ever Could

CHICAGO—Lauding the 22-year-old for her commitment to serving her community, sources confirmed Friday that local Taco Bell employee Nicole Cortez has had a far greater positive impact on people’s lives than any firefighter ever could. “Sure, there…

News In Photos

No One Aware Coworker Stormed Out Of Slack Meeting

News in Brief

Doctor Watches In Horror As Polyp Skitters In Front Of Colonoscopy Camera Just As Screen Goes Black

News in Brief

Young Mare Can’t Believe Stallion She Slept With Lied To Her About Being 5-2 Favorite In Preakness Stakes

News in Brief

‘Oh My God, Is That Seriously What My Voice Sounds Like?’ Says Humiliated J. Cole After Listening To New Album

Politics

News in Brief

Japan Ambassador Rahm Emanuel Asks New Hosts For Best Black Site Recommendations

TOKYO—Saying that he had done his own research but wanted to get a real local’s point of view, newly appointed U.S. ambassador to Japan Rahm Emanuel reportedly asked his hosts Tuesday to recommend the best black sites to visit. “So, if I’m hanging…

News in Brief

Congressional Moderates Call For Smaller Numbers

News in Brief

Republicans Argue D.C. Statehood Slippery Slope To District One Day Becoming Own Planet

News in Brief

Conservatives Criticize Local Preschool For Silencing Right-Wing Animal Voices

News in Brief

Biden’s Child-Care Plan To Allow All American Parents To Drop Kids Off At White House Between 8 And 5

The Topical

Papa John’s Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce

The Topical

Scientists Warn Americans To Stay Away From That Bird

The Topical

Nation’s Arborists Once Again Urge Congress To Lower The Age Of Consent For Trees

Local

News in Brief

Woman Suddenly Realizes She Same Age Parents Were When They Were Her Age

ATLANTA—Noting the event had caused her to rethink the chronology of her entire life, local woman Jessica Landis told reporters Tuesday that she suddenly realized she was the same age her parents were when they were her age. “It’s just crazy, I’m…