NEW YORK—Shaking their heads in disbelief at their past views, everyone present at the United Nations summit watching President Donald Trump deliver a speech Tuesday reportedly couldn’t believe they used to consider the United States a superpower. “I mean, wow, we would base most of our decisions on what the U.S. was…
FOSTER CITY, CA—Engaged in heated discussion over the artistic license taken in the creation of the animated show, local toddlers Lucas Leora and Mimi Raymond fiercely debated Tuesday whether Dora’s Explorer Girls was canon or part of Dora The Explorer’s expanded universe. “Listen, I’ve watched all the episodes, and…
DAVENPORT, IA—Musing philosophically on the deeply pleasurable possibilities, local man and potential electronic voyeur Tanner Mitchell, 27, wondered Tuesday whether there existed some form of website featuring footage of live sexual acts that interested parties might view for the purposes of self-gratification. “It…
LeBron James will star in a sequel to the 1996 sports comedy Space Jam, a live-action and animated film that featured Michael Jordan and the Looney Tunes characters facing off on the courts against a team of nefarious aliens. What do you think?
PHOENIX—Murmuring to herself about how breathtakingly small you once were, your mother formally announced Tuesday her plans to get out some of your old baby stuff and quietly stare at it. “Sometimes, seemingly out of nowhere, I remember what a happy baby you were,” said your mom, confirming her intention to sit in…
Chicago will form a task force to consider implementing a universal basic income program, which would make monthly payments to a number of Chicago families without any conditions. What do you think?
VATICAN CITY—Claiming the vestments represent a vital step in ameliorating the church’s centuries-long history of addressing sexual abuse with subsequent cover-ups, the Catholic Church introduced a line of wrought iron molestation-proof altar boy uniforms Monday. “With these new impenetrable steel robes, Catholic…
WASHINGTON—Revealing that the “you aren’t going to fucking believe this” metrics were currently measuring off the goddamn charts, experts at the Center for Advanced Bullshit Studies published a report Monday that this week’s all hell breaking loose was projected to be 30 percent more insane than last week’s complete…
SAN JUAN, PUERTO RICO—More than a year after the U.S. territory was left devastated in the wake of Hurricane Maria, experts say that the island of Puerto Rico, along with the 3.7 million U.S. citizens who live there, will remain extremely vulnerable to U.S. governments in the foreseeable future. “This is the worst…
Elon Musk announced that Japanese billionaire Yusaku Maezawa will be the passenger for the first-ever private mission to the moon in 2023. Maezawa hopes to bring along up to eight artists with him to inspire creativity based on space voyages. What do you think?
WASHINGTON—In a shocking development revealed just moments ago, sources confirmed that—oh, wait, sorry, false alarm. Multiple reports confirmed that, despite late-breaking suggestions to the contrary, you can actually forget about this news item and return to whatever you were doing before seeing this. In fact,…
FARMINGTON, NM—Frantically beseeching her significant other to deal with the unpleasant intruder, Kathleen Fatica shouted down the hallway Monday for her boyfriend to come kill a humongous ax murderer she happened to stumble across in the bedroom. “Gary! Gary! Gary, come to the bedroom! Quick! There’s a creepy, gross,…
HEAVEN—Following decades of careful financial management, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, remarked on His excitement at realizing that only two mortgage payments stood between Him and outright ownership of Heaven. “After 6,000 years of paying off this loan, it’s crazy to think that I’m mere weeks away from calling…
NEW YORK—Noting their begrudging respect while singing praises of the winged mammals, zoologists nationwide admitted Monday that you’ve really got to hand it to bats for learning how to fly. “After extensive research, we’ve found that you have to give bats their due for figuring out how to soar through the air,” said…
