Distraught Mueller Burns Every Piece Of Evidence In Case After Hearing Trump’s Critique Of U.S. Intelligence Community

WASHINGTON—Tossing a lit match on the assemblage of kerosene-doused case files, transcripts, and seized hard drives, Special Counsel Robert Mueller burned every piece of evidence in his investigation into 2016 election interference Tuesday after hearing President Trump’s pointed critique of the U.S. intelligence…

Supporters Praise Trump For Upholding Traditional American Value Of Supporting Murderous Dictators For Political Gain

WASHINGTON—In the aftermath of the president’s controversial meeting with Russian president Vladimir Putin in Finland, supporters reportedly praised Donald Trump Tuesday for upholding the traditional American value of supporting murderous dictators for political gain. “It is a proud moment in American history to…

GOP Leaders Move Goalposts On Opposing Trump To Him Being Filmed Masturbating On U.S. Flag In Arlington Cemetery

WASHINGTON—Promising citizens that they would finally take action if the President crossed this new red line, GOP leaders announced Monday that they were moving their goalposts for opposing Trump to him being filmed masturbating on an American flag in Arlington National Cemetery. “After today’s attack on U.S.…

Total Idiot Resorting To Tribalism Decades Before Climate Catastrophe Makes It Necessary

SPRINGFIELD, IL—Spurning the more moderate opinions of those he now regards as outsiders, total idiot Rick Thomas resorted Monday to tribalism decades before the inevitable climate catastrophe makes it necessary, confirmed sources close to the dipshit. “There’s a war going on out there, and a man has got to choose his…