NEW YORK—After receiving a three-year sentence in a federal penitentiary for tax evasion, campaign finance violations, misleading a bank, and lying to Congress, Michael Cohen completed the first of stage of his intricate plan to break his incarcerated brother out of prison from the inside, sources confirmed Wednesday.…
The recent death of a U.S. missionary trying to visit an isolated group living on a remote Indian island reignited debate over whether uncontacted peoples should be integrated into the rest of the world or left alone. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of seeking out uncontacted peoples.
WASHINGTON—Marking the end of the longest tenure of any Republican senator in U.S. history, Orrin Hatch (R-UT) delivered his farewell address to colleagues Wednesday from a coffin being lowered into an open grave on the floor of the Senate. “It has been the honor of my life to serve my country these past 42 years in…
VATICAN CITY—Packing the cobblestone streets and clad in prosthetic beards, sandals, and crowns of thorns, thousands of drunken revelers poured into the Vatican this week to take part in the city-state’s annual ChristCon Pub Crawl. “Every December, it seems like there are more of these jackasses at bars, taking…
SINGAPORE—Locked as they were in a deadly, high-stakes game of cat and mouse, patrons of the Marina Bay Sands Casino were revealed Wednesday to be either in the process of conducting a risky and sophisticated assassination or were themselves the target of an ingeniously orchestrated assassination attempt. “Every…
NORMAN, OK—Claiming that the average person needs to just man the fuck up and do it already, frat nutritionists attending the University of Oklahoma dared Americans on Wednesday to swallow more live goldfish. “We’ve discovered that consuming two to three live goldfish per weekend significantly reduces the risk of…
WASHINGTON—According to a study published Tuesday by the American Institute of Health, the average American experiences the most physical exertion when frantically waving their cell phone around to get a better signal. “After an extensive two-year analysis of all physical activity in the United States, we discovered…
Frustrating the president’s pledges to bring back the industry, the U.S. Energy Information Administration projected this week that America will end 2018 having used less coal than any time since 1979. What do you think?
WASHINGTON—In a stirring defense of his administration’s commitment toward border security, President Trump claimed Tuesday that substantial portions of the laser forcefield between the United States and Mexico had already been built. “I’m committed to the safety and security of this great nation, which is why we’ve…
WASHINGTON—Sweating profusely, scratching anxiously at their arms, and sniffing loudly while glancing around and rubbing their eyes vigorously, the visibly strung-out population of the United States demanded Tuesday that President Trump tell them the exact location or locations where drugs are pouring into the…
The Illinois Capitol rotunda will display a statue from The Satanic Temple-Chicago featuring a snake wrapping around Eve’s hand as a testament to freedom of religion and the group’s view of Satan as a wisdom-bestowing hero. What do you think?
COOKEVILLE, TN—Saying he has been unable to readjust to civilian life since returning home from his deployment to the border with Mexico, U.S. soldier Matthew Coltrane told reporters Tuesday he continues to have nightmares in which he is being used as a mere political prop. “In the middle of the night, I’ll wake up in…
NORTHBROOK, IL—Describing their new pasta as the perfect quick meal for busy weeknights, Italian food brand Bertolli claimed Tuesday that its new ravioli delivers perfectly empty al dente pasta casings floating in filling-saturated water in a mere five minutes. “Simply bring four cups of salted water to a boil,…
WASHINGTON—Threatening to use her absolute power to run over anyone who dares stand in her way, authoritarian Secretary of Transportation Elaine Chao declared Tuesday that she has the ultimate right of way in every traffic scenario. “Whether I am a pedestrian, a driver, or a cyclist—from today onward, all 325 million…
Sentencing filings by the Southern District of New York reveal that Trump personally directed illegal hush money payments in 2016 to women with whom he allegedly had affairs in violation of campaign finance laws. What do you think?
