News in BriefPolice Department Celebrates Fourth Of July By Using Fireworks For Crowd ControlNEW YORK—In an effort to ease tensions with the public and restore their tarnished public image, the New York Police Department reportedly commemorated Independence Day this week by using fireworks for crowd control. “We’re hoping this festive…
News in BriefMan Doing Whippet While Setting Off M-80 In Woods Behind Hardee’s Takes Moment To Reflect On How Promise Of Freedom Yet Unfulfilled
News in BriefTeenage Boy Fears Girlfriend Will Pressure Him Into Showering Before He ReadyRALEIGH, NC—Admitting that basic hygiene was something for which he was simply both mentally and physically unprepared, 16-year-old Langston Garcia confessed Wednesday to fearing that his girlfriend would pressure him into showering. “I know we’ve…
News in BriefSo-Called Vegetarian Always Kills, Devours Chicken Whole Whenever She’s DrunkDENVER—Expressing skepticism regarding Sarah Hastings’ holier-than-thou proclamations of support for animal rights and ethical eating, friends of the 23-year-old graduate student told reporters Thursday that the self-described “vegetarian,” in fact,…
News in BriefFriends Camping Out In Woods Just Happy To Escape The Daily Grind Of Federal PrisonCLEARVILLE, PA—Acknowledging that getting the chance to relax in nature was its own reward, a group of longtime friends camping out in the woods confirmed Wednesday that they were just happy to escape the daily grind of federal prison. “It sounds…
News in BriefStudy Finds It Would Be Extremely Satisfying To Have Intercourse With An A-List Celebrity
News in Brief‘Yeah, We Could Invite Friends Over And Call It A Supper Club!’ Says Couple Unknowingly Brainstorming End Of Own Relationship
News in BriefCongress Announces Willingness To Offer Black Lives Matter Protesters Holiday Or StatueWASHINGTON—Emphasizing the importance of taking concrete steps to address systemic racism and police brutality in the United States, Congress reportedly announced Monday their willingness to offer Black Lives Matter protesters a holiday or statue.…
News in BriefBiden Campaign Fundraising Email Reminds Donors Sexual Assault Allegations Don’t Bury Themselves
News In PhotosGeorgia Secretary Of State Vows To Investigate Why Some Residents Forced To Wait 2 Centuries To Vote
The TopicalMental Health Experts Warn Veterans’ PTSD Can Be Triggered By Sound Of Neighbors Shooting Off Fourth Of July RPGs
The TopicalTide Accused Of Over-Inflating Number Of Children Who Roll Around In Mud Puddles Before Running Into House
The TopicalIBM Condemns Use Of Facial Recognition Software For Anything Other Than Matching People With Their Celebrity Doppelganger
News in BriefCity Enters Phase 4 Of Pretending Coronavirus OverDALLAS—Saying the city remained on track for progressing into the final stage, Mayor Eric Johnson told Dallas residents Friday that they would soon officially be entering Phase 4 of pretending the coronavirus was over. “Thanks to the efforts of…
News In Photos‘And What Do We Want To Do About This Nest Full Of Baby Sparrows?’ Asks Barber Giving Man His First Haircut In 6 Months
News in BriefReport: There Already 5 Million Players Who Are Better Than You’ll Ever Be At ‘Valorant’
News in BriefEconomist Has Great Idea For Sitcom Where Keynesian And Friedmanite Have To Live Together
News In PhotosTuba Player In John Williams Orchestra Loves Giving Little Toot When Something Dramatic Happens
Sports News In BriefFantasy Baseball League Commissioner Knows Handling Of Pandemic Will Define His Legacy
