The Onion | America's Finest News Source.

Hundreds Of FedEx Packages Found Dumped In Ravine

The Onion Reviews 'Licorice Pizza'

Experimental, Iconoclastic Ballerina Stomps Around, Falls On Ass A Bunch

Editorial Cartoon: ‘Gotta Retch Em All’

Slideshow

What To Say When Someone Tells You To Lose Weight

When it comes to your body, people should keep their opinions to themselves. Here’s what to say when someone says you need to lose weight.

News In Brief

‘Handled Variety Of Tasks,’ Writes Kamala Harris, Struggling To Fill Out Performance Review Self-Assessment

Slideshow

Things You Should Never Say To A Flight Attendant

Honestly, it shouldn’t be that hard to just sit down and be polite on a plane. Here are things you should never, ever say to a flight attendant.

Football

Critics Claim Mac Jones Just Product Of Being Talented Quarterback In System With Elite Defense And Coaching

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Slamming the rookie’s success as a fluke of organizational competence, critics claimed Tuesday that Patriots quarterback Mac Jones was just the product of being a talented player in a system with elite defense and coaching. “People…

News In Brief

Nation’s Embattled CEOs Announce We Just Gotta Do Better, Simple As That

WASHINGTON—Confirming that it had been a disappointing quarter, the nation’s embattled CEOs announced Tuesday that we just gotta do better, simple as that. “It’s not an easy conversation to have, folks, but we’re gonna have to take a long, hard look…

News In Brief

Man Just 3 More Failed Goals Away From Becoming Crypto Guy

News

Square Enix Writers Explain Why They’ll Never Put The Coward Marlin Into A ‘Kingdom Hearts’ Game

News In Brief

Nonprofit Cofounders Have Screaming Match Over Whether Mission To Ignite Change Or Spark Community Impact

Local

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News In Brief

Stage Mom Emphasizes Nudity Depends On The Role

BURBANK, CA—Stressing that she wouldn’t let her child go naked for just anything, local stage mom Christi Turner emphasized Friday that nudity depends on the role. “My kid’s well-being is very important to me, which is why I’ll only let her go…

News In Brief

Walgreens Customer Really Pushing It With Amount Of Non-Medical Stuff She’s Bringing To Pharmacy Counter

News In Brief

NFT Investor Reminds Skeptics Everything Else In World Stupid And Meaningless Too

News In Brief

Boss Wouldn’t Be Such A Jerk If He Knew About Negative Depiction In Employee’s Unpublished Novel

News In Brief

TikTok Helps Kidnapper Find Teen

Politics

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News In Brief

Boris Johnson Unsure How U.K. One Country But Also Four

LONDON—In a meeting to discuss possible adjustments to steel import tariffs, Prime Minister Boris Johnson confided to his cabinet Monday that he was unsure how the United Kingdom was one country but also four. “Just to digress for a moment, I’m…

News In Brief

House Removes Paul Gosar From Anime And Manga Committee

News In Brief

Texas Bans Access To Tall Staircases In Case Women With Unwanted Pregnancies Get Any Ideas

Slideshow

Most Insidious Ways Politicians Have Curtailed U.S. Voting Rights

News In Brief

Hundreds Of FedEx Packages Found Dumped In Ravine

The Onion Reviews 'Licorice Pizza'

Experimental, Iconoclastic Ballerina Stomps Around, Falls On Ass A Bunch

Editorial Cartoon: ‘Gotta Retch Em All’

What To Say When Someone Tells You To Lose Weight

‘Handled Variety Of Tasks,’ Writes Kamala Harris, Struggling To Fill Out Performance Review Self-Assessment

Things You Should Never Say To A Flight Attendant

Critics Claim Mac Jones Just Product Of Being Talented Quarterback In System With Elite Defense And Coaching

Nation’s Embattled CEOs Announce We Just Gotta Do Better, Simple As That

Man Just 3 More Failed Goals Away From Becoming Crypto Guy

Square Enix Writers Explain Why They’ll Never Put The Coward Marlin Into A ‘Kingdom Hearts’ Game

Dr. Scholl’s Introduces New Amputation Kit For Dry, Cracked Feet

Theater-Loving Friend Crying For Different Reason Today

New Beatles Doc Gives Man Greater Appreciation For How Long 8 Hours Feels

Report: Ronan Farrow Has Been Asking People About You

Nonprofit Cofounders Have Screaming Match Over Whether Mission To Ignite Change Or Spark Community Impact

Stage Mom Emphasizes Nudity Depends On The Role

Walgreens Customer Really Pushing It With Amount Of Non-Medical Stuff She’s Bringing To Pharmacy Counter

NFT Investor Reminds Skeptics Everything Else In World Stupid And Meaningless Too

Boss Wouldn’t Be Such A Jerk If He Knew About Negative Depiction In Employee’s Unpublished Novel

TikTok Helps Kidnapper Find Teen

Boris Johnson Unsure How U.K. One Country But Also Four

House Removes Paul Gosar From Anime And Manga Committee

Texas Bans Access To Tall Staircases In Case Women With Unwanted Pregnancies Get Any Ideas

Most Insidious Ways Politicians Have Curtailed U.S. Voting Rights

Energized Chris Christie Ready For Next Chapter Of Humiliation

Worst Arguments People Make Against Switching To Renewable Energy

Thoughts Every Woman Has Had In The Workplace

Worst Ways Boomers Screwed Over Millennials

Craziest Reasons People Are Afraid Of Teaching Critical Race Theory In Schools

Square Enix Writers Explain Why They’ll Never Put The Coward Marlin Into A ‘Kingdom Hearts’ Game

Good News RPG Fans: We’re All Constantly Playing Some Kind Of Role No Matter What

Ultimate Betrayal: It Has Come To Our Attention That There Is A Non-Gamer Within The Ranks Of Our Readership, And We Will Find You

We Break Down Every Moment of The ‘Elden Ring’ Preview To Avoid A Conversation With Our Dad About End-Of-Life Care

The Onion Reviews 'Licorice Pizza'

Heartwarming Gravy Donation Drive

Making Mashed Potatoes Like The Pilgrims

We Invited Logan Paul And BTS To Collab On A Video With Us And They Crashed Into Each Other On The Way Over

New Beatles Doc Gives Man Greater Appreciation For How Long 8 Hours Feels

What To Watch This Thanksgiving Weekend

The Onion Reviews 'Licorice Pizza'

Heartwarming Gravy Donation Drive

Critics Claim Mac Jones Just Product Of Being Talented Quarterback In System With Elite Defense And Coaching

Lions Fan Praying Players Start Protesting Police Brutality Or Something So He Can Stop Watching

Baker Mayfield Struggling To Tune Out Booing Progressive Fans On Commercial Set

NFL Study Finds Concussion Symptoms Completely Disappear If You’ve Had An Even Number Of Concussions

Jack Dorsey Steps Down As Twitter CEO

Quebec Releasing Strategic Maple Syrup Reserves Amid Shortage

Hundreds Of FedEx Packages Found Dumped In Ravine

Americans Celebrate Thanksgiving