The Onion | America's Finest News Source.

Slideshow

Where The Presidential Candidates Stand On Important Issues

Infographic

How Election Night Could Unfold

The Topical

Is Uniting The Country Possible? We Locked A Republican And A Democrat In A Room For A Week To Find Out

Editorial Cartoon

Editorial Cartoon: Jerking From Home

Slideshow

The Onion’s State-By-State Election Guide

The Onion provides voters in each state with the facts they need to make an informed decision and several dozen completely uninformed decisions at the ballot box.

News in Brief

HGTV Exec Moans With Pleasure Upon Receiving Word About Triplets Who Flip, Furnish, and Sell Houseboats In The Carolinas

News in Brief

Authorities Urge Orange County Residents To Stop Building Additions Onto Homes Currently On Fire

YORBA LINDA, CA—Asking the members of the wealthy local citizenry to put a brief pause on their construction projects, Orange County authorities reportedly urged residents Thursday to stop building additions onto homes that are currently on fire.…

News in Brief

9-Year-Old Sad That Father’s iPad Moving Out

LA JOLLA, CA—His eyes flooding with tears as the full weight of the news sank in, local 9-year-old Taylor Warner announced Thursday that he was very sad his parents were getting divorced and his father’s iPad would soon be moving out of the house.…

News in Brief

Aspiring Actor Considers Giving Up After Struggling To Break Into Steven Spielberg’s House

LOS ANGELES—Complaining that successful entry was largely determined by nepotism, aspiring actor Xander Barrick confirmed Thursday he might give up on his dreams after struggling for years to break into Steven Spielberg’s 20,000-square-foot Pacific…

News in Brief

HGTV Exec Moans With Pleasure Upon Receiving Word About Triplets Who Flip, Furnish, and Sell Houseboats In The Carolinas

News in Brief

Texas Voters Line Up To Shoot Ballots At Local Election Range

News in Brief

Woman Heartbroken For All Shelter Pets Who Will Be Put Down Without Ever Being Dressed Like A Ghostbuster

News in Brief

Man Who Only Waited 15 Minutes To Vote Worried Experience Too Easy To Be Legitimate

News in Brief

Man Relieved Movie Won’t Be Too Scary After Character Assures Friend There No Such Thing As Ghosts

News in Brief

Man Falsely Imprisoned For 24 Years Granted Permission To Serve Out Remainder Of Term In New Wrongfully Accused Wing

A Truly Glorious Time! A New Generation of Young Adults Are Now Able To Experience Borat’s Bare Ass

Politics

News in Brief

Amy Coney Barrett Promises Catholic Faith Won’t Interfere With Court’s Crushing Of The Poor, Downtrodden

WASHINGTON—In an effort to assure critics during her Senate confirmation hearing for the Supreme Court, Judge Amy Coney Barrett promised Monday that her Catholic faith’s tenets of generosity and humanity would not interfere with her duty on the…

News in Brief

Right-Wing Militia Wondering When Someone Will Notice They’ve Been Holding J.B. Pritzker Hostage For Months

Infographic

How Trump Can Beat Biden

News in Brief

‘Poll Watching Is Not Voter Intimidation,’ Trump Supporter Whispers Into Ear Of Man Filling Out Ballot In Voting Booth

News in Brief

‘Thank God I Voted Absentee In Whatever Dumb Ohio Town I’m From,’ Say Brooklyn Residents

The Topical

Is Uniting The Country Possible? We Locked A Republican And A Democrat In A Room For A Week To Find Out

The Topical

New Negative Campaign Ads Blast Voters Directly

The Topical

American Populace Worried They’re Not Likeable Enough To Attract Good Candidate For President

Local

News in Brief

Man Cannot For The Life Of Him Understand Why Wife Enjoys TV Show Marketed Toward Married 30-50-Year-Old Women

TAOS, NM—Admitting that he “didn’t get the hype” over the serialized drama, local man Connor Sharp revealed Friday that he could not for the life of him understand why his wife, Lauren, enjoys a television show marketed toward married women between…

News in Brief

Mom Won’t Stop Talking About How Doctor Praised Her Colonoscopy Preparation

News in Brief

Old Man Remembers When Things Cost Roughly The Same As Now After Adjusting For Inflation

News in Brief

Liberal Man Worried Biden Victory Would Immediately Reignite Discussions About Having Kids

News In Photos

Mask Accidentally Leaves House Without Face

Slideshows

Slideshow

‘Horizon Zero Dawn’ Star Ashly Burch Teaches Her Top Tricks For Aspiring Video Game Voice Actors

Slideshow

Talk Around The Con: The Most Insane Quotes We Heard Around OGE

Slideshow

Highlights Of The Onion Gamers Expo: Part 2

Slideshow

Highlights Of The Onion Gamers Expo: Part 1

Videos

Show allShow all videos

What To Pack In A ‘Go Bag’ For Emergency Evacuations

5 Things To Know About Amy Coney Barrett

What To Do If Someone Is Ghosting You

5 Things To Know About Cameo

Entertainment

News in Brief

Aaron Sorkin Defends Taking Liberties With Scene In Which All Members Of Chicago 7 Endorse Joe Biden

News in Brief

David Blaine Wakes Up In Cold Sweat From Nightmare In Which He Dies Of Natural Causes

News in Brief

Bob Dylan Not Exactly Rising To Occasion As Far As Current Protest Music Goes

News in Brief

Psychic Already Sick Of Spectral James Randi Ragging On Her From Afterlife

Sports

Sports News In Brief

Mike McCarthy Dismisses Talk Of Locker Room Turmoil After Cowboys Burn Mike McCarthy Effigy On Field

Sportsgraphic

Fantasy Football Week 8: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em

Photo Finish

Dodgers Sprayed With Blood, Viscera As Screaming Playoff Demon Bursts From Clayton Kershaw’s Body

Sports News In Brief

Old-School Baseball Fan Doesn’t Need Some Formula To Tell Him Which Players Have Best WAR, wOBA

Opinion

American Voices

Netflix Prices Going Up

American Voices

Coconut Milk Pulled From Shelves Over Forced Monkey Labor

American Voices

Election Almost Over

American Voices

Where The Presidential Candidates Stand On Important Issues

How Election Night Could Unfold

Is Uniting The Country Possible? We Locked A Republican And A Democrat In A Room For A Week To Find Out

Editorial Cartoon: Jerking From Home

The Onion’s State-By-State Election Guide

HGTV Exec Moans With Pleasure Upon Receiving Word About Triplets Who Flip, Furnish, and Sell Houseboats In The Carolinas

Authorities Urge Orange County Residents To Stop Building Additions Onto Homes Currently On Fire

9-Year-Old Sad That Father’s iPad Moving Out

Aspiring Actor Considers Giving Up After Struggling To Break Into Steven Spielberg’s House

HGTV Exec Moans With Pleasure Upon Receiving Word About Triplets Who Flip, Furnish, and Sell Houseboats In The Carolinas

Texas Voters Line Up To Shoot Ballots At Local Election Range

Woman Heartbroken For All Shelter Pets Who Will Be Put Down Without Ever Being Dressed Like A Ghostbuster

Man Who Only Waited 15 Minutes To Vote Worried Experience Too Easy To Be Legitimate

Man Relieved Movie Won’t Be Too Scary After Character Assures Friend There No Such Thing As Ghosts

Man Falsely Imprisoned For 24 Years Granted Permission To Serve Out Remainder Of Term In New Wrongfully Accused Wing

A Truly Glorious Time! A New Generation of Young Adults Are Now Able To Experience Borat’s Bare Ass

Amy Coney Barrett Promises Catholic Faith Won’t Interfere With Court’s Crushing Of The Poor, Downtrodden

Right-Wing Militia Wondering When Someone Will Notice They’ve Been Holding J.B. Pritzker Hostage For Months

How Trump Can Beat Biden

‘Poll Watching Is Not Voter Intimidation,’ Trump Supporter Whispers Into Ear Of Man Filling Out Ballot In Voting Booth

‘Thank God I Voted Absentee In Whatever Dumb Ohio Town I’m From,’ Say Brooklyn Residents

Is Uniting The Country Possible? We Locked A Republican And A Democrat In A Room For A Week To Find Out

New Negative Campaign Ads Blast Voters Directly

American Populace Worried They’re Not Likeable Enough To Attract Good Candidate For President

Man Cannot For The Life Of Him Understand Why Wife Enjoys TV Show Marketed Toward Married 30-50-Year-Old Women

Mom Won’t Stop Talking About How Doctor Praised Her Colonoscopy Preparation

Old Man Remembers When Things Cost Roughly The Same As Now After Adjusting For Inflation

Liberal Man Worried Biden Victory Would Immediately Reignite Discussions About Having Kids

Mask Accidentally Leaves House Without Face

What To Read While Social Distancing

10 Breathtaking Photos That Perfectly Capture The Unwavering Spirit Of Scissors

How To Stay Connected To Others During Social Distancing

11 Simple Cocktail Recipes To Try While Quarantining

‘Horizon Zero Dawn’ Star Ashly Burch Teaches Her Top Tricks For Aspiring Video Game Voice Actors

Talk Around The Con: The Most Insane Quotes We Heard Around OGE

Highlights Of The Onion Gamers Expo: Part 2

Highlights Of The Onion Gamers Expo: Part 1

What To Pack In A ‘Go Bag’ For Emergency Evacuations

5 Things To Know About Amy Coney Barrett

What To Do If Someone Is Ghosting You

5 Things To Know About Cameo

Aaron Sorkin Defends Taking Liberties With Scene In Which All Members Of Chicago 7 Endorse Joe Biden

David Blaine Wakes Up In Cold Sweat From Nightmare In Which He Dies Of Natural Causes

Bob Dylan Not Exactly Rising To Occasion As Far As Current Protest Music Goes

Psychic Already Sick Of Spectral James Randi Ragging On Her From Afterlife

Mike McCarthy Dismisses Talk Of Locker Room Turmoil After Cowboys Burn Mike McCarthy Effigy On Field

Fantasy Football Week 8: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em

Dodgers Sprayed With Blood, Viscera As Screaming Playoff Demon Bursts From Clayton Kershaw’s Body

Old-School Baseball Fan Doesn’t Need Some Formula To Tell Him Which Players Have Best WAR, wOBA

Netflix Prices Going Up

Coconut Milk Pulled From Shelves Over Forced Monkey Labor

Election Almost Over

New Coral Reef Discovered Off Australian Coast