Breaking NewsMost Popular New Year’s Resolution By StateWhether it’s their bad habits, obnoxious behavior, or total lack of achievements, Americans are chronically dissatisfied and always looking for ways to improve their pathetic lives. The Onion looks at the most popular New Year’s resolution by state.
Breaking NewsCrest Introduces New Ham And Cheese Whitening SandwichesCINCINNATI—Claiming its latest product was recommended by nine out of 10 deli guys, oral hygiene mainstay Crest announced Wednesday it had launched a new line of ham and cheese whitening sandwiches. “Want a whiter smile that’s never tasted better?”…
Breaking NewsNew Monthly Subscription Box Sends Customers 10 Things From Founder’s House He Doesn’t Want AnymoreSAN FRANCISCO—Joining a plethora of similar subscription boxes already on the market, a new service called BradBox ships customers 10 items every month that company founder and CEO Brad Lazarow has around his home but no longer wants. “There’s no…
LocalLying To Sponsor EasyCHICAGO—Despite the expectation of honesty implicit in the journey of healing from addiction, anonymous sources reported Tuesday that lying to a sponsor is actually very easy. “They ask you questions to check on your progress, but you can totally…
LocalMan Calls Around Looking For Donation Center That Will Come Pick Up Bulkier SpermCLEVELAND—Explaining that he had no way of transporting it to the drop-off location even if he wanted to, local man Jason Gardner told reporters he spent Tuesday calling around looking for a donation center that would come and pick up bulkier…
LocalParents Get Up Early To Place Santa Droppings Around Living Room To Convince Children He Visited
Breaking NewsSenators Reveal Best Places To Have Sex In CapitolAfter footage leaked of a congressional staffer having sex in hearing room used by the Senate Judiciary Committee, The Onion asked senators to reveal the best places to have sex in the capitol, and this is what they said.
PoliticsCandidates Spend GOP Debate Trying To Hog-Tie Greased-Up Nude Man Representing Woke Mind Virus
PoliticsNation’s Politicians Exhausted After Another Day Of Tirelessly Serving The Will Of The People
Breaking NewsElon Musk Announces He’s Recruiting Volunteers For Dangerous One-Way Mission In Self-Driving Cybertruck
FootballJames Webb Telescope Finds Evidence Of Packers Secondary Lined Up 20 Million Light Years Off Receivers
