James Alex Fields Jr. was given a recommended sentence of life plus 419 years in prison for killing Heather Heyer and seriously injuring 35 others. What do you think?
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Citing the gesture as a “best practice shared across the nation’s highest-morale offices,” researchers at the Harvard Business School published a report Friday identifying a correlation between workplaces with the highest employee retention rate and those where management distributed an end-of-year note…
As winter temperatures arrive and the end of the year approaches, I find myself in a place of deep reflection. Looking back on all the things I have and haven’t accomplished these past 12 months, I feel good about the progress I’ve made toward many of my personal goals. But there’s one particular thing I never quite…
WASHINGTON—In an effort to curb the skyrocketing mole populations, officials at the U.S. Department of the Interior introduced a new federal program Friday that would release thousands of mallets into national parks. “Introducing mallets into our parks and forest preserves is one of the easiest and most effective ways…
Violence and crime have been part of American history since the earliest explorers arrived on the continent and killed whoever they found before stealing their land. The Onion looks back at the most notorious criminals in the country’s history.
WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that the practice was neither sterile nor sanitary, American Red Cross officials issued a reminder Friday that they cannot accept donations from people who approach them with loose blood cupped in their hands. “While we certainly appreciate the act of generosity, we must discourage any potential…
In a win for Planned Parenthood, the Supreme Court opted to avoid a high-profile case concerning whether to allow Kansas and Louisiana to strip Medicaid money from Planned Parenthood. What do you think?
Michael Cohen, Donald Trump’s ex-lawyer and fixer, was given three years in prison for nine federal charges of tax evasion, violating campaign finance laws, and lying to banks and to Congress. What do you think?
NEW YORK—Turning to the public in their search for possible leads, CNN set up a 24-hour anonymous tip line Thursday in hopes of contacting those with possible alternatives to the network’s commonly used phrase “Mueller closing in.” “We’re looking for anyone from individuals placed deep inside the Trump administration…
WASHINGTON—Saying that enough time had passed for them to be willing to try again, the U.S. populace announced Thursday that they were finally prepared to look at more sidewalk drawings that look like big holes but are actually just flat. “The moment is at hand when we feel mentally and emotionally prepared to view…
CLEVELAND, OH—Expressing regret after being misled by the ruthless stunt, the Rock & Rock Hall of Fame rescinded the nomination they offered to The Cure Thursday after discovering the band was voted in as a cruel prank by popular kids. “We will no longer be inducting The Cure to the Hall after learning they were…
WASHINGTON—Celebrating and commemorating the myriad contributions of previously overlooked heroes, the Smithsonian American History Museum unveiled a new exhibit Thursday honoring the thousands of U.S. pets who devoted their time and talents to the war effort while their owners fought overseas in World War II. “Before…
LONDON—Following wide-ranging criticism of the embattled prime minister’s handling of Brexit negotiations, Theresa May narrowly managed to survive execution by the parliamentary firing squad, sources confirmed Thursday. “After several months of coming under constant attack, this firing squad was merely the latest…
PUTNEY, VT—Claiming past experiences taught him to be prepared for sudden displays of vitality, mortician Radiston Nikolov, 38, told reporters Thursday that he always keeps a hammer beside his mortuary table in case one of his embalming subjects comes back to life. “I just like knowing this baby’s within reach in the…
ARLINGTON, VA—In recognition of the brave and altruistic Americans who risk their health and safety for the greater good, Pentagon officials announced Thursday that the U.S. military would honor the sacrifices of NFL players by wearing their jerseys throughout December. “Every week, these men are out there on the…
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