NEW YORK—Leaping from a bannister on the upper story of a Manhattan luxury hotel, the president’s lawyer Rudy Giuliani reportedly shouted “you’ll never take me alive!” Wednesday before jumping towards a chandelier and immediately falling three stories onto the floor below. “Good luck catching me as I disappear like a…

BOSTON—Grinning widely as they thanked him for all the breakthroughs this would surely lead to, researchers from Boston University’s CTE Center politely pretended Wednesday that they were interested in a football kicker Justin Tucker’s offer to donate his brain for research. “Oh, yeah! That’s so generous of you, that…

SAINT IGNACE, MI—As a divine chorus pealed forth in joy and triumph from the sky above the lake, contractor Charles Taylor admitted that he could never behold the sight of an angel flying down from Heaven to save a drowning little boy without experiencing the almost overwhelming feeling that there must be some sort of…

WESTERVILLE, OH—Accepting the offer of soft cashmere blanket and complimentary hot fudge sundae, Tom Steyer upgraded to the luxury section of the Democratic debate Tuesday night, complete with hot towels and beverage service. “We like to make sure our high-end candidates like Mr. Steyer are well taken care of, whether…

WESTERVILLE, OH—Immediately freezing as he glanced around the stage at his choice of apparel, presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg reportedly muttered, “Oh, goddamnit,” under his breath Tuesday after realizing none of his opponents had dressed up for the debate. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me—I’m the only one…