News in Brief
Warren Tells Supporters To Cut That Pinterest Shit Out, This Is Serious
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Fed-up presidential hopeful Elizabeth Warren publicly told her supporters Friday to “Cut that Pinterest shit out,” reminding them that her candidacy was a serious bid to become “the commander in chief of the goddamn United States and…
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Iran’s Deputy Health Minister Announces He Has Coronavirus And Also Hemorrhoids But That’s A Separate Thing That He Will Deal With On His Own
TEHRAN—While addressing the recent spread of the disease in the Islamic Republic, Iran’s deputy health minister Iraj Harirchi announced at a press conference Wednesday that he has coronavirus and also hemorrhoids, but that’s a separate thing that he…
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‘No, Stop, Please,’ Shouts Woman As Hands Uncontrollably Google All Of Boyfriend’s Exes
ST. PAUL, MN—Wrestling to regain control as she browsed image after image of attractive, successful young women, local girlfriend Kristen Ferguson, 28, repeatedly uttered the words “No, stop, please” Thursday as her hands uncontrollably Googled all…
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Neurosurgeon Feels Lucky He Was Able To Turn Hobby Into Career
ROCHESTER, MN—Speaking with reporters about how lucky he feels to be pursuing his life’s passion full-time, local neurosurgeon Chris Monson said Wednesday he will always be grateful he found a way to turn his favorite hobby into a career.
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Trump Holds Diplomatic Ceremony To Formally Welcome Coronavirus To United States
WASHINGTON—Declaring that he was looking forward to showing the influential global entity around the country, President Donald Trump held a diplomatic ceremony Wednesday to formally welcome the coronavirus to the United States. “This is a historic…
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‘I’m Free, I’m Finally Free!’ Thinks Parent Before Realizing Lost Child Just Hiding Inside Clothes Rack
KENOSHA, WI—Exulting with joy as she kicked over an empty stroller, mother Michelle Groves, 34, was observed saying “I’m free, I’m finally free” to herself and several onlookers in Target Wednesday, moments before realizing her child was simply…
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