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What Federal Investigators Found In Rudy Giuliani’s Home

Middle School Boys’ Basketball Team Down 1 Point With 3 Seconds Remaining Huddle Up To Discuss Masturbation

Editorial Cartoon: ‘Mind Full Mess’

Slideshow

Ask ‘The Onion’: How To Buy Your First Home

With interest rates at historic lows, more people than ever are thinking of breaking into the real estate market. You asked The Onion about how to buy your first home, and now, we have the answers.

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Hurricane Ashley Expected To Strike Several Bars This Cinco De Mayo

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The Worst Tornadoes In U.S. History

Spring is tornado season, putting millions of people across the country on high alert for the sometimes devastating storms. The Onion looks back at the worst tornadoes in U.S. history.

Spend $15 Building Your Ultimate NBA Lineup

What Federal Investigators Found In Rudy Giuliani’s Home

Middle School Boys’ Basketball Team Down 1 Point With 3 Seconds Remaining Huddle Up To Discuss Masturbation

Editorial Cartoon: ‘Mind Full Mess’

Ask ‘The Onion’: How To Buy Your First Home

Hurricane Ashley Expected To Strike Several Bars This Cinco De Mayo

The Worst Tornadoes In U.S. History

Steve Ballmer Releases Statement Clarifying Marriage Has Never Been More Solid

Man Psyches Self Up To Watch Movie

Experts Say Earning Trust Of Vaccine Skeptics Will Be Key To Jabbing Them When They’re Not Looking

Reporter Who Found 3 Angry Tweets About Issue Guesses That’s An Article Right There

‘It’s Him Or Me,’ Says Unhinged Aaron Rodgers Demanding Packers Fire Team Custodian

Couple Worried Relationship Will Lose Spark Once They Move Into Leader’s Compound

Easygoing Man Able To Take Whatever Sandwich Throws His Way

Private Equity Firm Heartbroken After Realizing There No AOL Employees Left To Fire

Devastated Man Questions How Economy Recovering From Pandemic If He Only Made $4.1 Million In Q1

Biden’s Child-Care Plan To Allow All American Parents To Drop Kids Off At White House Between 8 And 5

Ted Cruz Decries Voting Rights Bill As Shameless Power Grab By American People To Control Country

Florida GOP Introduces Ballotless Voting In Disenfranchised Communities

‘Anyone See ‘Ted Lasso’?’ Biden Asks World Leaders, Trying To Steer Conversation Away From Depressing Topic Like Climate Change

Republicans Argue D.C. Statehood Slippery Slope To District One Day Becoming Own Planet

Papa John’s Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce

Scientists Warn Americans To Stay Away From That Bird

Nation’s Arborists Once Again Urge Congress To Lower The Age Of Consent For Trees

First Vaccinated Outing Kind Of A Bust

Depressed Police Officer Reminds Self That Chauvin Verdict Not Representative Of System At Large

Hike With Neighbors Through Ravine Enjoyable Despite Not Finding Missing Child

Man Waiting For Curbside Order Pacing Sidewalk Like Expectant Father In Delivery Room

Homicide Detectives Announce They Looking For Real Knockout After Discovering Long Blond Strand Of Hair At Crime Scene

Celebrity Chefs Explain Their Favorite Cooking Hacks

Movie Adaptations That Strayed From The Books

How To Deal With Common Dog Behavior Problems

How To Lose Weight Fast

Biggest Games Of Spring 2021

EA Games Teases New Project With Cryptic New ‘FIFA 2022’ Logo

Relief: ‘Monster Hunter Rise’ Includes A Dossier Of Each Monster’s Problematic Behavior So You Don’t Feel Bad When You Kill Them

Small Kindnesses: Gamer Shields Ailing Grandmother From News So She Can Die Believing ‘Cyberpunk 2077’ Patch Largely Fixes It

Artist Profile: Ariana Grande

Key Takeaways From John Boehner’s New Memoir

‘The 45th’: How Trump Is Trying To Rebrand

5 Things To Know About ‘Hemingway’

Artist Profile: Ariana Grande

‘Does This Help?’ Says Panicking Academy President Holding Up Anthony Hopkins’ Decapitated Head

Chloé Zhao Still Waiting For Someone To Jump VW Bus Outside Oscars

Oscar Attendees Flee As Actors Featured During In Memoriam Segment Crawl Out Of Screen, Devour Gary Oldman

‘It’s Him Or Me,’ Says Unhinged Aaron Rodgers Demanding Packers Fire Team Custodian

Spend $15 Building Your Ultimate NBA Lineup

Middle School Boys’ Basketball Team Down 1 Point With 3 Seconds Remaining Huddle Up To Discuss Masturbation

Out-Of-Practice Roger Goodell Crushes First Row Of Draft Prospects After Whiffing On Hug

NYC Replacing Snow Days With Remote Learning

Bill And Melinda Gates Announce Divorce

Alaska Airlines Bans GOP State Senator

Human Composting Could Soon Be Legal In Colorado