News In BriefPutin Stays Up Late Constantly Refreshing Website For Results From Rigged ElectionsMOSCOW—Clicking back and forth between the open tabs on his web browser, Russian President Vladimir Putin reportedly stayed up late Friday night, constantly refreshing a website to check for results from a rigged referendum to determine whether…
News In BriefChild Not Talented Enough Artist To Get Across Homicidal IdeationsTULSA, OK—After the drawing he made of a sinister killer wielding a knife came out looking more like a smiling kid holding a banana, it became apparent Friday that local 8-year-old Brandon McHurst simply wasn’t talented enough as an artist to convey…
News In BriefExperts Recommend Americans Prepare 2-3 Dance Moves In Case Excited Circle Forms Around ThemWASHINGTON—Saying those unable to execute a satisfying dance sequence posed a severe threat to the vibe, experts from the Department of Health and Human Services recommended Friday that every American have two to three moves prepared in the event an…
News In BriefChicago Constructs $33 Million Replica Of Justice System To Train Police In Tactical Jail EvasionCHICAGO—Arguing that the facility could potentially help officers avoid countless years in prison, the City of Chicago reportedly constructed a $33 million replica of the justice system Friday to train police in tactical jail evasion. “With this…
News In BriefU.S. Landlord General Announces Plans To Fix Constant Flooding Sometime In Next Few Months
News In BriefShoplifter Always Gets Little Adrenaline Rush After Stealing Basic Necessities For FamilySAN ANTONIO, TX—Remarking that nothing made her feel more alive than walking out of a store with unpaid items, shoplifter Jessica Thatcher told reporters Tuesday that she always got a little adrenaline rush after stealing basic necessities for her…
News In BriefGreg Abbott Sends Hundreds Of Migrants To DeSantis’ House To Teach Him Lesson About Stealing IdeaAUSTIN, TX—Citing a lack of originality in the Florida governor’s decision to ship displaced Venezuelans to Martha’s Vineyard this week, Texas Gov. Greg Abbott sent hundreds of migrants to Ron DeSantis’ house Friday to teach him a lesson about…
News In BriefClarence Thomas Annoyed After Getting Another Text From Wife Nagging Him To Overthrow Government Before He Gets Home From Work
Now playing TikTokNASA Announces Mars Rover Ran Into Jason Schwartzman But Didn’t Take Any Pictures Because It Didn’t Want To Be Weird
Now playing TikTokThis Southwestern Casserole Is So Good It Will Be The Only Thing Your Child Remembers About You After You Die
