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CEOs Defend Corporate Greed

The Onion asked several of the smartest, richest, and most powerful business leaders on planet Earth how they felt being accused of “greedflation,” and this is what they said.

Breaking News

Obama Kills Self After Learning About ‘President Obummer’ Nickname

Local

Police Claim They Thought 9-Year-Old Boy They Shot Was Actually 10-Year-Old Boy

MARIETTA, GA—Admitting that a grave miscalculation had been made about the suspect’s age, the Marietta Police Department confirmed it put an officer on leave Wednesday after he shot a 9-year-old boy who he thought was actually a 10-year-old boy. “At…

Breaking News

Report: More Hospitals Requiring Patients To Put Body Part Down As Collateral Before Receiving Services

HIGH POINT, FL—A new report released Thursday by the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau found that more hospitals were requiring patients to put a body part down as collateral before receiving services. “It can be anything from a pinky toe to a…

Breaking News

State Department Issues Travel Warning For Americans Visiting Chili’s

WASHINGTON—Recommending that U.S. citizens exercise extreme caution if they plan to make the trip, the State Department issued a travel warning Wednesday for every American visiting Chili’s. “The travel advisory for the family restaurant…

Opinion

Parents Explain Why Trans Kids Should Be Banned From Prom

Breaking News

Another Star Falls From American Flag Following Well-Attended Drag Queen Brunch

Breaking News

Elizabeth Holmes Immediately Defrauds Biggest Inmate To Gain Other Prisoners’ Respect

Watch

Body Language Fact: Did You Know?

104-Year-Old Man Awarded WWII Medal Just To Be Nice

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Quiz: Could You Pass A Police Officer Entrance Exam?

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Meaning Fact: Did You Know?

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Goofy Beats Ron DeSantis To Death With Crowbar

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American Voices

Ukraine Admits Country’s Been In Shambles Since Hunter Biden Left

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Local

Man Never Knows Right Time In Job Interview To Go In For Kiss

GREENWOOD, IN—Noting that his decision would likely set the tone for the entire meeting, local man Andy Franklin told reporters Tuesday that he never knew the right moment in a job interview to go in for a kiss. “I hate to say it, but when you meet…

Local

White Conservative Parents Sit Children Down For Tough Conversation About Seeing Black Character In Movie

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Grandma Asks For Help Looking Up Rule 34 Images

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Man At Beach Worried Wife Hasn’t Surfaced For Air Because She Cheating On Him

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Man Embarrassed After Taking Bullet Intended For Person Behind Him

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Politics

Matt Gaetz Takes Out Half-Page Ad In House Bill Congratulating Teen Girl On High School Graduation

WASHINGTON—Shelling out $55 for the loving tribute, Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) reportedly took out a half-page ad in a House bill Friday to congratulate a local teen girl on her high school graduation. “Congrats, Kayla, so proud of you, punkin!” read…