LANARK, IL—Adamant that there would be no unplanned pit stops until her family had reached its destination, local mom Mary Curran reportedly made sure that each of her teenage sons had masturbated to completion Thursday before a long car ride to their grandparents’ house. “It’s going to be three hours—maybe more with…
The FDA issued a recall of 207 million eggs from Rose Acre Farms after dozens of non-lethal illnesses led to fears that they may have been contaminated with salmonella. What do you think?
WASHINGTON—Stammering as they struggled to form an opinion about the surprising revelation, the nation’s liberals admitted Thursday they were not sure what to think after hearing U.S. Special Counsel Robert Mueller had waterboarded every suspect in his investigation into the Trump campaign. “I’ve stood firmly in…
Former First Lady Barbara Bush, mother to George W. Bush and wife to George H.W. Bush, passed away yesterday at the age of 92. What do you think?
Buckle up, Harry Potter fans, because J.K. Rowling’s latest bombshell about the series definitely isn’t doing anything for inclusivity: The bestselling author has revealed that Dementors are the wizarding world’s version of Italians.
WASHINGTON—Following President Trump’s decision to launch airstrikes in Syria without seeking approval from Congress, GOP lawmakers reportedly asked what they had ever done to make the commander in chief think they wouldn’t immediately knuckle under and let him bomb whomever he wishes. “Honestly, he ought to know by…
IRVING, TX—Refusing to confirm nor deny that the addition had anything to do with personal hygiene, Cottonelle unveiled its new ULTRA Comfort Care toilet paper Wednesday now infused with a mysterious thin blue strip. “Is it scented? Does it help track your intestinal health? Is there some sort of lotion in it? It…
NYERI, KENYA—Reacting to news that Starbucks will close more than 8,000 locations for a day to conduct anti-discrimination training, impoverished Kenyan bean picker Adamu Mwangi told reporters Wednesday he couldn’t wait to hear the international coffee giant’s perspectives on racial sensitivity. “I think this could…
All right, Nintendo Switch fans, pause your games, because you’re definitely going to want to hear this: Nintendo has just released a chair that will launch you through your TV set if you crash in Mario Kart.
Each of us, regardless of the circumstances of our birth, is entitled to basic human dignity. That means freedom from fear and from want. It means access to food, clothing, shelter, and medicine. But it also means dining with friends and family in an environment where one can, on any day of the week, enjoy “that…
SPRINGFIELD, IL—In a move designed to keep citizens aware of any potentially dangerous individuals sharing their address, the Illinois General Assembly passed a new law Wednesday requiring sex offenders to inform residents that they will be moving in with them. “Going forward, all registered sex offenders will be…
In the first such award bestowed on a work outside of jazz and classical music, the Pulitzer Prize in Music was given to Kendrick Lamar’s album DAMN., which the board called a “virtuosic song collection unified by its vernacular authenticity.” What do you think?
AUSTIN, TX—In response to multiple families suing him for defamation over his claims that the 2012 shooting was a hoax, InfoWars host Alex Jones plead with Sandy Hook parents Tuesday to imagine the enormous pain that such an expensive lawsuit would cause him. “Please, I’m begging you—have a heart and think about the…
