Breaking NewsDogs React To Commander Biden Biting Another Secret Service OfficerFollowing the 11th instance in which President Joe Biden’s younger dog nipped at member of the federal law enforcement agency, The Onion asked dogs what they thought about Commander Biden biting another Secret Service officer, and this is what they…
Breaking NewsTrader Joe’s Adds New Fitting Rooms Where Customers Can See How Food Will Look In Their MouthMONROVIA, CA—Announcing that renovations had been made to all 560 locations, grocery chain Trader Joe’s confirmed this week that they had added fitting rooms so customers could see how their food would look in their mouths. “Too often, a customer…
Breaking NewsReleased U.S. Soldier Won’t Shut Up About North Korean CandySAN ANTONIO, TX—Claiming that the Army private looks for any opportunity to mention the sweets, sources confirmed Thursday that released U.S. soldier Travis King won’t shut up about North Korean candy. “He goes on and on about the sugar-coated…
Breaking NewsWhat To Know About The United Auto Workers StrikeThousands of United Auto Workers members have walked off the job since the union initiated its strike on Sept. 15. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about about the UAW strike.
PoliticsReport: Government Shutdown Could Imperil Hundreds Of Americans Currently At Top Of Federally Funded Ferris Wheels
MagazineGeneration Derek: Born Between 5:04 And 5:05 P.M. On April 9, 1980, Meet The Generation That’s Just One Guy
EntertainmentHayao Miyazaki Announces Return To Filmmaking After Big Time Screwup At New HVAC Installation Job
LocalCouple Pities Man Eating Alone Instead Of In Complete Silence With Person He Can’t Stand AnymoreTOLEDO, OH—Finding themselves distracted and unable to enjoy their meal, local couple Monica and Kyle Hulud told reporters Wednesday they pitied the man at Rosie’s Italian Grille who was eating alone instead of in complete silence with a person he…
PoliticsRepublicans Explain Why They Should Be Trump’s Running MateWhile Donald Trump has yet to pick a running mate for 2024, several notable individuals are aggressively vying for the role. The Onion asked Republicans why they should be Trump’s VP, and this is what they said.
PoliticsSnickering Teen Angels Appear Before Mike Pence To Tell Him It’s Totally God’s Will To Keep Running For President
PoliticsZelensky Grabs Whatever Office Supplies He Can Get Hands On In Capitol, Saying He Needs It For War
MagazineGeneration Derek: Born Between 5:04 And 5:05 P.M. On April 9, 1980, Meet The Generation That’s Just One Guy
EntertainmentHayao Miyazaki Announces Return To Filmmaking After Big Time Screwup At New HVAC Installation Job
