In the wake of the Mueller report’s release, 2020 candidates including Pete Buttigieg, Kamala Harris, and Elizabeth Warren have urged Congress to pursue impeachment proceedings against the president. What do you think?
FLINT, MI—Warning that he ran the only drug game in town as he firmly tugged back on the offender’s hair, Acreage Holdings executive John Boehner beheaded a Juarez Cartel gang member Wednesday in order to thwart an attempt to muscle in on the legal weed game. “Say adios, pendejo!” said the blood-splattered former…
AMES, IA—Attempting to redirect the conversation to a more neutral topic that would prevent anyone from getting too worked up, a diplomatic Pete Buttigieg quickly changed the subject Wednesday when politics came up at a town hall event. “Hey, I get asked about political stuff all the time—let’s find something else to…
SAN DIEGO—Mortified at his lack of familiarity with the seemingly mundane utensil, local diner Thad Jenkins succumbed to paralyzing self-consciousness Wednesday upon realizing that he was the only patron of Japanese restaurant Azuki Sushi who was unclear on the proper use of his water glass. “I kept sneaking little…
SANTA BARBARA, CA—Saying the world must act quickly to save the chewy organisms before it was too late, environmentalists warned Tuesday that the world’s Swedish Fish population has been decimated by the Great Pacific Sour Patch. “For years, humanity has increased its sour candy production, dumping unnatural levels of…
Reports that President Trump was considering a plan to release detained undocumented immigrants in the nation’s sanctuary cities has put the spotlight back on a controversial immigration policy. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of sanctuary cities.
DENVER—Confessing that the rich sound of the stabbing victim’s Yorkshire-bred voice made her “go positively weak,” Genevieve Clare, 31, confirmed Wednesday that she could listen to the dying British man in the street scream for help all day long. “I couldn’t begin to tell you what it is about that accent, but my heart…
Amid a resumed interest in several past scandals, former Godfather’s Pizza CEO Herman Cain has withdrawn from consideration for a seat on the Federal Reserve Board. What do you think?
SPARTA, OH—Expressing disgust and shock while describing the disturbing scene, local authorities were reportedly horrified Wednesday after discovering a one-day-old funnel cake abandoned in a dumpster. “We are still searching for the individual responsible for this horrendous act,” said police chief Gregory Lee,…
President Trump sued Rep. Elijah Cummings (D-MD) to stop subpoenas for the president’s tax returns, saying the House Oversight and Reform chairman has overstepped constitutional limits on Congress’s power to investigate. What do you think?
NEW YORK—Emphasizing the company’s commitment to providing a sustainable work–life balance, Optech CEO Mark Billings told reporters Tuesday that he encourages employees to take short mental breakdowns for every hour of work. “Every 60 minutes, we want our staff to feel free to take a walk around the block for a quick…
GOFFSTOWN, NH—Erupting into frenzied applause as the Democratic presidential candidate began mercilessly choking the CNN town hall moderator with a single hand, a televised audience gave Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN) a standing ovation Monday night as she lifted Chris Cuomo into the air by his throat. “Her performance was…
SOUTH BEND, IN—Becoming the first 2020 presidential candidate to disclose his fondness for pepperoni pizza, jogging before sunrise, and episodes of The Wire, White House hopeful Pete Buttigieg released Tuesday a comprehensive list of fun personality quirks for reporters to include in articles about him. “I want to be…
SUMTER, SC—Saying that he clearly learned all the wrong lessons from the classic animated programs, several people witnessing their coworker Aaron Rowe wearing a Cobra Command T-shirt Tuesday confirmed that he missed the whole point of G.I. Joe. “Dude, that’s not what the show’s about at all. It’s like he didn’t pay…
CHICAGO—Saying that the sign out front offered no clear evidence as to the nature of the business, onlookers were reportedly unable to determine Tuesday whether a storefront bearing the name “Casa Spazio” belonged to an establishment that sold leather sofas or pizza. “It’s got a beautiful, ornate sign and big glass…
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