Dirty, Disheveled Scott Pruitt Confesses He Spent Last Of EPA Funding Weeks Ago

WASHINGTON—Rocking back and forth in his chair and openly weeping, a dirty, disheveled EPA administrator Scott Pruitt confessed during testimony before the House Appropriations committee Thursday that he had spent the last of his department’s funding weeks ago. “It’s gone, all gone, every penny of it—poof, just like…

One For The Road: SeaWorld Has Realized People Will Be Mad At It No Matter What It Does So It’s Just Going To See How Fat It Can Make A Dolphin Before It Goes Bankrupt

SeaWorld has faced a ton of backlash over the past few years for the way it treats the animals in its park. After trying unsuccessfully to repair its image for some time, the water park has recently changed its approach: SeaWorld has realized that people will be mad at it no matter what it does, so it’s decided to…

Publicist Worried Kanye West’s Support Of Trump Will Damage His Carefully Crafted Public Image As A Manic Self-Absorbed Lunatic

LOS ANGELES—Expressing concern over the fallout from several controversial tweets praising the president, Kanye West’s publicist was reportedly worried Thursday that the rapper’s support of Donald Trump would damage his carefully crafted public image as a manic, self-absorbed lunatic. “Christ, we’ve worked so hard to…

Before You Go See ‘Avengers: Infinity War,’ Here’s Everything You Need To Know About The Endless Love And Compassion Of Our Lord And Savior Jesus Christ

With 18 previous movies and countless characters in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, it’s no wonder fans are worried about feeling lost during the newly released Avengers: Infinity War—and there’s no way you’ll understand the movie unless you’re all caught up on the full background nuances of Jesus Christ’s gospel of…

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