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Report: You Have Been Selected To Make A Purchase At The Onion Store

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Looking Back On The Onion’s First 15,000 Years Of Coronavirus Coverage

The Topical

Study Finds Adults Over 50 Should Get Colonoscopy To Determine Whether Aliens Are Controlling You From The Inside

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Editorial Cartoon: ‘Here We Come A -Wassaulting’

News in Brief

Jimmy Carter On Covid Vaccine: ‘There’s No Way In Hell I’m Letting Them Put That Thing In Me’

PLAINS, GA—Following reports that the Covid-19 vaccine would soon be available, 39th President Jimmy Carter announced Thursday, “There’s no way in hell I’m letting them put that thing in me.” “Go find somebody else to stick with needles,” said…

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Exhausted Researchers Inform Public Covid Vaccine Won’t Shrink You Down To Size Of Ant

News in Brief

Police Warn Onlookers Not To Enter Active Crime Scene Cover-Up

NEW YORK—Urging passersby to avoid the area until the job could be completed, members of the NYPD warned onlookers Tuesday not to enter an active crime scene cover-up. “We can’t have civilians in here mucking up all our hard work by serving as…

Sports News In Brief

Jacksonville Couple Successfully Mates To Help Save Endangered Jaguars Fan Base

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Scoring a victory for NFL preservationists worried that these rare creatures could disappear forever, local Jacksonville couple Michael Larson, 30, and Brittany Gill, 28, successfully mated Tuesday in an attempt to help save the…

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Trump Reduced To Filing Lawsuit To Overturn Single Ballot In Placerville, Idaho

WASHINGTON—As his long-shot path to victory continued to crumble, President Donald Trump’s bid to dispute the election results had reportedly been reduced to filing a lawsuit Tuesday to overturn a single ballot in Placerville, ID. “We’ve discovered…

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Food Critic Has Late Night Hankering For Liquid Nitrogen-Frozen Raviolo Balloon

News in Brief

William Barr Celebrates Holidays By Giving Lethal Injections To Those Less Fortunate

Illustration for The Con Pays Off: After Years Of Feigning Interest, George R.R. Martin Has Bolted From The ‘Elden Ring’ Offices With All The Topless Elf Concept Art His Arms Can Carry

News

The Con Pays Off: After Years Of Feigning Interest, George R.R. Martin Has Bolted From The ‘Elden Ring’ Offices With All The Topless Elf Concept Art His Arms Can Carry

Politics

News in Brief

GOP Leaders Begin Search For Prissy, Miserable Shithead Who Can Compete With Trump In 2024

WASHINGTON—Casting an eye towards the next presidential election, Republican party leaders had reportedly begun a search Tuesday for a new prissy little shithead who would be able to compete against Trump in 2024. “We’ve obviously had a wonderful…

News in Brief

Governors Call On Gretchen Whitmer To Shut Down Their States So Residents Won’t Get Mad At Them

News in Brief

Jubilant Reaction To Trump Defeat Quickly Soured By News Of Biden Win

News in Brief

‘Your Honor, I’m Ready To Present,’ Says Giuliani Pulling Rotted Melon, Stray Cat Out Of Old Burlap Sack

Infographic

What Trump Hopes To Accomplish Before Leaving The White House

The Topical

Study Finds Adults Over 50 Should Get Colonoscopy To Determine Whether Aliens Are Controlling You From The Inside

The Topical

Nation’s Long-Haired Old Men In Flowy Linen Shirts Announce You Are Loved

The Topical

Inside The Sacred Temple Where People Magazine’s Ancestral Editors Choose Their Sexiest Man Alive Each Year

Local

News in Brief

Mom Completely Understands That Coming To Thanksgiving Is Risky And That You Don’t Love Her Anymore

KANSAS CITY, MO—Acknowledging that she had seen all the warnings about holiday travel on the news, local mom Mary Simpson announced Tuesday that she completely understood that coming to Thanksgiving would be risky for all involved and that you…