WASHINGTON—Describing her conduct as incompatible with the values of the federal judiciary, authorities handed Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg a 10-case suspension Thursday for her role in the Supreme Court’s bench-clearing brawl. “Article III Section 1 of the Constitution states that members of this honorable court…

ALLENTOWN, PA—In preparation for a traditional family recipe passed down by her grandparents, local woman Nicole Fitzsimmons sealed several leftover pizza crusts in a plastic container Thursday with an eye to making pizza stock from them later this week. “Most people just throw out their ‘pizza bones,’ but there’s a…

BROOKLYN, NY—Following a hearing in which he was sentenced to life in prison plus 30 years, local convict Joaquín Guzmán, known to friends and family as El Chapo, told reporters Wednesday he couldn’t believe he was being jailed for drug offenses given how many real criminals are out there. “There are actual bad guys…

CHICAGO—Daring you—yes, you, who thinks they’re so smart—to show us how you’d fare in the world of rigorous long-form journalism, a short brief published by The Onion Wednesday encouraged you, dear reader, to go ahead and tell us the goddamn news for a change. “Hey, Captain Informed Citizen, if this is so easy, then…