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Who Said It: Kanye West Or An Instruction Manual For The Cuisinart CRC-400 Electric Rice Cooker?

Illustration for Girl Scout Troop Raises Over $100,000 To Buy Corvette Because Fuck It, It’s Their Money, They Can Do What They Want

The Topical

The Topical: Girl Scout Troop Raises Over $100,000 To Buy Corvette Because Fuck It, It’s Their Money, They Can Do What They Want

Infographic

Effects Of Future Climate Change Migration

Editorial Cartoon

Editorial Cartoon: Blazing Fall Color

News in Brief

Exasperated Plumber Explains To Kanye West Why Flushing Awards Bad For Toilet

CALABASAS, CA—Reaching into the multi-platinum artist’s overflowing pipes and pulling out several feces-and-toilet-paper-covered trophies, exasperated local plumber Larry DeGroot explained to Kanye West Thursday why flushing large metal awards was…

News in Brief

Scientists Study Brains Of Baseball Fans To Find Out How They Stay Interested During First 7 Innings

News in Brief

White House Vows To Have Something To Stick Into Your Arm By October

WASHINGTON—Stressing that the vial would be filled with liquid odds and ends, President Donald Trump vowed Friday to have something to stick into your arm by October. “Today, I pledge to all citizens of this great nation that within the next few…

News in Brief

Tom Brady Not Sure How To Ask Coach For Tape Of Other Team’s Practice

TAMPA, FL—Expressing concerns that Tampa Bay had not yet undertaken the basic prep he used to do in New England, quarterback Tom Brady confessed Thursday that he wasn’t sure how to ask Buccaneers head coach Bruce Arians for tape of their opponent’s…

News in Brief

Conservative Evangelical Asks God To Give Her Strength To Incorporate Forced Hysterectomies Into Belief System

CORDOVA, TN—Praying that the Lord Almighty would help her understand the recent whistleblower reports about Immigration and Customs Enforcement’s treatment of migrant detainees, conservative evangelical woman Melissa Carson reportedly asked God…

News in Brief

Shocked Americans Never Thought They’d See Forced Sterilization Of Minorities Happen Here Again And Again And Again

News in Brief

Conservative Conspiracy Theorist Outraged After Stumbling Upon Entire Netflix Section Dedicated To Kids

News In Photos

Cool Dog Doesn’t Give A Shit About Other Dog Passing Him On Sidewalk

Illustration for Gamers, We Should Be Thrilled To Share These New PS5 Images With You, But In Reality We’ve Been Dreading It Because Sometimes You Guys Are Fucking Mean

News

Gamers, We Should Be Thrilled To Share These New PS5 Images With You, But In Reality We’ve Been Dreading It Because Sometimes You Guys Are Fucking Mean

Illustration for Pope Francis Gets Self Thrown Into Hell As Part Of Plot To Take Down High-Level Demon Ring

News in Brief

Gamers, We Should Be Thrilled To Share These New PS5 Images With You, But In Reality We’ve Been Dreading It Because Sometimes You Guys Are Fucking Mean

Illustration for Console Wars: Sony Undercuts Xbox’s $500 Price By Printing Counterfeit Bills To Cause Hyperinflation And Make The American Dollar Worthless

News

Console Wars: Sony Undercuts Xbox’s $500 Price By Printing Counterfeit Bills To Cause Hyperinflation And Make The American Dollar Worthless

News

Incredible ‘Sims’ Cosplay: This Guy Pissed Himself And Immediately Cried About It

News

Bad News: Toad Died

Videos

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A Look At The Class Of 2024

5 Things To Know About ‘Bill & Ted Face The Music’

The Onion Reviews ‘Mulan’

5 Things To Know About ‘Lovecraft Country’

Entertainment

News in Brief

Conservative Conspiracy Theorist Outraged After Stumbling Upon Entire Netflix Section Dedicated To Kids

News in Brief

Exasperated Plumber Explains To Kanye West Why Flushing Awards Bad For Toilet

Infographic

The Onion’s 2020 Emmy Predictions

News In Photos

Wiz Khalifa Figures He Too Far Into Career To Start Rhyming Now

Sports

News in Brief

Scientists Study Brains Of Baseball Fans To Find Out How They Stay Interested During First 7 Innings

Infographic

The Onion’s Fantasy Football Expert Gives His Pro Tips For Managing Your Team

News in Brief

Tom Brady Not Sure How To Ask Coach For Tape Of Other Team’s Practice

Sports News In Brief

Kawhi Leonard Worried He’s Grown Too Accustomed To Fancy Hotel With Free Wi-Fi

Opinion

American Voices

Barbados To Remove Queen Elizabeth As Head Of State

American Voices

‘Scientific American’ Endorses Presidential Candidate For First Time In 175 Year History

American Voices

Madonna To Direct, Co-Write Her Own Biopic

American Voices

Who Said It: Kanye West Or An Instruction Manual For The Cuisinart CRC-400 Electric Rice Cooker?

The Topical: Girl Scout Troop Raises Over $100,000 To Buy Corvette Because Fuck It, It’s Their Money, They Can Do What They Want

Effects Of Future Climate Change Migration

Editorial Cartoon: Blazing Fall Color

Exasperated Plumber Explains To Kanye West Why Flushing Awards Bad For Toilet

Scientists Study Brains Of Baseball Fans To Find Out How They Stay Interested During First 7 Innings

White House Vows To Have Something To Stick Into Your Arm By October

Tom Brady Not Sure How To Ask Coach For Tape Of Other Team’s Practice

Conservative Evangelical Asks God To Give Her Strength To Incorporate Forced Hysterectomies Into Belief System

Shocked Americans Never Thought They’d See Forced Sterilization Of Minorities Happen Here Again And Again And Again

Conservative Conspiracy Theorist Outraged After Stumbling Upon Entire Netflix Section Dedicated To Kids

Cool Dog Doesn’t Give A Shit About Other Dog Passing Him On Sidewalk

Gamers, We Should Be Thrilled To Share These New PS5 Images With You, But In Reality We’ve Been Dreading It Because Sometimes You Guys Are Fucking Mean

Pope Francis Gets Self Thrown Into Hell As Part Of Plot To Take Down High-Level Demon Ring

‘And These Are My Nobel Peace Prizes,’ Says Trump, Gesturing Toward Room Of Plastic Trophies

This Can’t Be Real! 9 Mind-Blowing Links That Will Take You To Visible’s Website Where You Can Purchase Their Services

Democratic Process In Peril As Millions Of Americans Chase After Mail-In Ballots Caught In Wind

Trump Vigorously Defends Kenosha Shooter As Racist White Supremacist

DNC Concerned Warm, Cozy Beds On Brisk November Morning Could Keep Voters From Going To Polls On Election Day

Defensive Bob Woodward Claims He Withheld Interview Since Journalism Hasn’t Worked On Trump So Far

DNC Pours All Campaign Funding Into New York, California To Win Popular Vote By Even Greater Margin Than 2016

Girl Scout Troop Raises Over $100,000 To Buy Corvette Because Fuck It, It’s Their Money, They Can Do What They Want

Diary Entries Reveal Benjamin Franklin’s Kite Experiment Was Early Attempt At Erotic Electrostimulation

Nation Calls For Return Of Theme Songs That Explain Show’s Whole Deal

Couple Thankfully Not Well-Liked Enough To Have Superspreader Wedding

Woman Just Wants To Date Guy Who Can Make Her Laugh, Like Cartman

Cool Dog Doesn’t Give A Shit About Other Dog Passing Him On Sidewalk

Woman’s Face Deteriorates Into Grey, Cracked Husk After Missing Single Day Of Skincare Routine

Students Without Internet Access To Attend Remotely By Peering Through Home Window Of Wealthier Classmate

What To Read While Social Distancing

10 Breathtaking Photos That Perfectly Capture The Unwavering Spirit Of Scissors

How To Stay Connected To Others During Social Distancing

11 Simple Cocktail Recipes To Try While Quarantining

Gamers, We Should Be Thrilled To Share These New PS5 Images With You, But In Reality We’ve Been Dreading It Because Sometimes You Guys Are Fucking Mean

Console Wars: Sony Undercuts Xbox’s $500 Price By Printing Counterfeit Bills To Cause Hyperinflation And Make The American Dollar Worthless

Incredible ‘Sims’ Cosplay: This Guy Pissed Himself And Immediately Cried About It

Bad News: Toad Died

A Look At The Class Of 2024

5 Things To Know About ‘Bill & Ted Face The Music’

The Onion Reviews ‘Mulan’

5 Things To Know About ‘Lovecraft Country’

Conservative Conspiracy Theorist Outraged After Stumbling Upon Entire Netflix Section Dedicated To Kids

Exasperated Plumber Explains To Kanye West Why Flushing Awards Bad For Toilet

The Onion’s 2020 Emmy Predictions

Wiz Khalifa Figures He Too Far Into Career To Start Rhyming Now

Scientists Study Brains Of Baseball Fans To Find Out How They Stay Interested During First 7 Innings

The Onion’s Fantasy Football Expert Gives His Pro Tips For Managing Your Team

Tom Brady Not Sure How To Ask Coach For Tape Of Other Team’s Practice

Kawhi Leonard Worried He’s Grown Too Accustomed To Fancy Hotel With Free Wi-Fi

Barbados To Remove Queen Elizabeth As Head Of State

‘Scientific American’ Endorses Presidential Candidate For First Time In 175 Year History

Madonna To Direct, Co-Write Her Own Biopic

Smoke From California Wildfires Creates Hazy Skies Nationwide