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Walgreens Introduces New Dumbass-Only Shopping Hours For Dipshits Who Don’t Know How To Stay 6 Feet Away
DEERFIELD, IL—In an effort to better protect all customers during the Covid-19 pandemic, retail pharmacy chain Walgreens introduced new dumbass-only shopping hours Thursday for dipshits who don’t know how to stay 6 goddamn feet away. “We want…
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Black Man Shot By Police After Matching Description For Covid-19
NEW YORK CITY—Responding to an anonymous tip regarding alleged suspicious activity, police shot an unarmed black civilian who reportedly matched the description for Covid-19, sources confirmed Wednesday. “In the heat of the moment, it was completely…
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Biden Extends Olive Branch To Biden Supporters
PHILADELPHIA—In a largely measured speech calling for party unity after a string of primary victories, former Vice President Joe Biden took to the stage Tuesday night to extend an olive branch to Biden supporters. “I appreciate the enthusiasm and…
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Trump Admits 18 New States To Increase Competition For Medical Supplies
WASHINGTON—In an effort to attract better offers from governors forced into bidding wars over life-saving equipment, President Donald Trump admitted 18 new states Monday to increase competition for medical supplies. “The free market works best with…
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‘Just Go Home And Sleep It Off,’ Says Doctor To Coughing, Feverish Black Patient
MILWAUKEE, WI—Downplaying requests to check his vital signs as “totally unnecessary,” primary care physician William Kinlaw recommended Wednesday that a coughing, feverish black patient “just go home and sleep it off.” “We’re dealing with a flood of…
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