Breaking NewsBiden, Trump Die 2 Minutes Apart Holding HandsWASHINGTON—In a heartwarming and touching end to the story of two soulmates, sources confirmed Thursday that President Joe Biden and former President Donald Trump died two minutes apart holding hands. “Only minutes before their deaths, they…
LocalBlackout Drunk Man Desperately Searches For Toilet To Fall Asleep OnPITTSBURGH—Grasping at the walls for balance as he made his way to a public restroom, local blackout drunk man Charlie Hull was desperately searching Thursday for a toilet to fall asleep on, according to sources familiar with the situation. “Get…
PoliticsPoliticians Explain Why Abortion Pills Should Be BannedMifepristone, more commonly known as the abortion pill, is a prescription drug that can end a pregnancy at 10 weeks or less. The Onion asked politicians why they are fighting to ban the drug, and this is what they said.
Breaking NewsJimmy Carter Enrolls In 2-Year Program To Become Dental HygienistPLAINS, GA—Calling the move a solid investment in his future, former President Jimmy Carter, 98, announced Thursday that he had enrolled in a two-year program at an Atlanta technical college that would allow him to become a dental hygienist. “I’ve…
American VoicesPanera Bread Restaurants Testing Amazon’s Palm-Scanning TechnologyPanera Bread will be testing Amazon One, a payment service that allows customers to pay and collect membership rewards by scanning their palms. What do you think?
MagazineNo Shame, Just Facts: Everything You’ve Always Wondered About Beaks But Were Too Afraid To Ask
OpinionConservatives Define What ‘Woke’ Means To ThemWhile many online firebrands rant and rave against the concept, few take the time to define it. The Onion asked conservatives what “woke” means to them, and this is what they said.
Breaking NewsPhiladelphia Residents Avoiding Tap Water After Catching Horrifying Glimpse Of Hairless, Wheezing Gritty
LocalMan Earnestly Looking For Career On Website Called Something Like ‘Job-A-Dabba-Doo.Com’CHICAGO—In an ongoing effort to secure an actual job that would allow him to earn an actual living, reports confirmed Tuesday that local man Tim Upshaw, 36, was earnestly looking for career opportunities on a website called something like…
LocalAnnotations In Used Copy Of ‘Autobiography Of Malcolm X’ Make It Painfully Obvious That Previous Owner Was White
News In PhotosKyrsten Sinema Descends To Senate Floor On Floating Platform Wearing Dress Shaped Like Gumball Machine
Breaking NewsFox News Anchors Respond To Claims About Workplace’s Toxic CultureA former employee claimed that the network discriminated against her because of her gender while she worked at Tucker Carlson Tonight. The Onion asked Fox News anchors to respond to allegations about the workplace’s toxic culture, and this is what…
MagazineNo Shame, Just Facts: Everything You’ve Always Wondered About Beaks But Were Too Afraid To Ask
BasketballLeBron James Credits Quick Injury Recovery To Crazed German Doctor Harnessing Power Of Lighting Atop Mountain Peak
