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Celebrity Couples Explain What Made Their Marriages Last

Take A Virtual Tour Of The Met With ‘The Onion’

Hackers Shut Down Major U.S. Fuel Pipeline

Editorial Cartoon: ‘Ms. Placed Priorities’

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Japan Ambassador Rahm Emanuel Asks New Hosts For Best Black Site Recommendations

TOKYO—Saying that he had done his own research but wanted to get a real local’s point of view, newly appointed U.S. ambassador to Japan Rahm Emanuel reportedly asked his hosts Tuesday to recommend the best black sites to visit. “So, if I’m hanging…

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Famous Authors Describe Their Biggest Rejections

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Conservatives Panicking After Every Member Of Republican Party Ousted For Insufficient Loyalty To Trump

WASHINGTON—With GOP membership rolls completely empty, leading conservatives reportedly began to panic Monday after every single American who identifies as a Republican was ousted from the party for showing insufficient loyalty to former President…

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Great Clips Introduces New Buy One, Get One To Fix Haircut They Messed Up

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The Onion Looks Back At The Life And Legacy Of First Dog Bo Obama

Full article.

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Woman Suddenly Realizes She Same Age Parents Were When They Were Her Age

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New Evidence Finds God Destroyed Sodom And Gomorrah As Part Of Luxury Condominium Development Deal

News

A Moral Quandary: The Government Has Developed A Serum That Can Cure Gaming And They’re Demanding All Gamers Take It

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Ask ‘The Onion’: How To Buy Your First Home

Politics

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Biden’s Child-Care Plan To Allow All American Parents To Drop Kids Off At White House Between 8 And 5

WASHINGTON—In an effort to help cover costs for working families, President Joe Biden rolled out his child-care plan Wednesday allowing all American parents to drop their kids off at the White House between 8 a.m. and 5 p.m. “Starting today, you can…

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‘Anyone See ‘Ted Lasso’?’ Biden Asks World Leaders, Trying To Steer Conversation Away From Depressing Topic Like Climate Change

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Florida GOP Introduces Ballotless Voting In Disenfranchised Communities

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Congressional Moderates Call For Smaller Numbers

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Republicans Argue D.C. Statehood Slippery Slope To District One Day Becoming Own Planet

The Topical

Papa John’s Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce

The Topical

Scientists Warn Americans To Stay Away From That Bird

The Topical

Nation’s Arborists Once Again Urge Congress To Lower The Age Of Consent For Trees

Local

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Minimalist Learning To Appreciate Stripped-Down Simple Pleasures Of Unloaded Tater Tots

BATTLE CREEK, MI—In a major breakthrough after years spent chasing the next big flavor, local minimalist Tyler Benson told sources Wednesday he had recently discovered how to appreciate the stripped-down simple pleasures of unloaded tater tots.…