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Jimmy, Rosalynn Carter Announce Divorce

PLAINS, GA—Calling the split entirely amicable and long overdue, Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter confirmed their divorce to the press in statement released Tuesday. “Frankly, we both couldn’t be more excited to put our respective pasts behind us and…

Opinion

Conservatives Define What ‘Woke’ Means To Them

Local

Man Earnestly Looking For Career On Website Called Something Like ‘Job-A-Dabba-Doo.Com’

CHICAGO—In an ongoing effort to secure an actual job that would allow him to earn an actual living, reports confirmed Tuesday that local man Tim Upshaw, 36, was earnestly looking for career opportunities on a website called something like…

Breaking News

Biden Tells White House Chef It His Birthday In Attempt To Scam Free Dessert

WASHINGTON—Smiling coyly as entrées were set on the table for the first family Monday night, President Biden is said to have casually mentioned to White House executive chef Cristeta Comerford that it was his birthday in an attempt to scam a free…

Entertainment

‘Succession’ Season Premiere Features Return Of Shadowy Dr. Succession Character

NEW YORK—In a dramatic twist that shocked viewers who had waited more than a year for a new episode of the HBO drama, Sunday’s season premiere of Succession featured an unexpected reappearance of the show’s shadowy Dr. Succession character.…

Breaking News

‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

Local

Teacher Claims She Doesn’t Discriminate Between Black Students, Students She Gives A’s To

Local

Realtor Trying To Pass Off Apartment’s Window Box Planter As Something Called ‘Romanian Balcony’

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Florida Teachers Explain How They Teach History Without Mentioning Race

In order to win approval from Florida’s Department of Education, publishers have begun removing mentions of race from social studies textbooks. The Onion asked teachers how they teach history without race, and this is what they said.

Local

Stressed-Out City Dweller Wishes He Could Move Into Countryside And Just Hammer Nails Into Planks For Living Or Whatever They Do

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Fox News Anchors Respond To Claims About Workplace’s Toxic Culture

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Prisoner Given 10 Extra Years For Good Behavior To Serve As Role Model For Fellow Inmates

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Local

Man Intending To Just Take Quick Half-Hour Nap Accidentally Dies In His Sleep

MINNEAPOLIS—Feeling annoyed after completely overshooting his time limit for some brief shut-eye, local man Devon Roberts, who reportedly intended to take a quick, half-hour nap Monday, accidentally died in his sleep. “Damn it, when I started my nap…