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What To Say When Someone Tells You To Lose Weight

What To Know About The Ghislaine Maxwell Trial

The Onion Reviews 'Licorice Pizza'

‘Handled Variety Of Tasks,’ Writes Kamala Harris, Struggling To Fill Out Performance Review Self-Assessment

WASHINGTON—Struggling to describe her work responsibilities in the most favorable manner possible, Vice President Kamala Harris wrote, “Handled variety of tasks,” on the self-assessment portion of her annual White House performance review,…

News In Brief

Hertz Hopeful New Football Player Spokesperson Doesn’t Murder Two People This Time Around

ESTERO, FL—Calling the recent signing of Tom Brady “exciting as long as it goes better than last time,” Hertz CEO Paul Stone told reporters Wednesday that they hoped signing a football player as a spokesperson would not end with two people being…

News In Brief

Brian Kelly Admits He Never Actually Believed In God

BATON ROUGE, LA—Calling it a harmless fib to fit in and let him do his job without distraction, former Notre Dame head coach Brian Kelly admitted to reporters Wednesday that he never actually believed in God. “All that God crap, I just said that to…

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Things You Should Never Say To A Flight Attendant

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Square Enix Writers Explain Why They’ll Never Put The Coward Marlin Into A ‘Kingdom Hearts’ Game

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Nation’s Embattled CEOs Announce We Just Gotta Do Better, Simple As That

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Man Just 3 More Failed Goals Away From Becoming Crypto Guy

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Theater-Loving Friend Crying For Different Reason Today

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Dr. Scholl’s Introduces New Amputation Kit For Dry, Cracked Feet

Football

Critics Claim Mac Jones Just Product Of Being Talented Quarterback In System With Elite Defense And Coaching

Local

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Stage Mom Emphasizes Nudity Depends On The Role

BURBANK, CA—Stressing that she wouldn’t let her child go naked for just anything, local stage mom Christi Turner emphasized Friday that nudity depends on the role. “My kid’s well-being is very important to me, which is why I’ll only let her go…

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Walgreens Customer Really Pushing It With Amount Of Non-Medical Stuff She’s Bringing To Pharmacy Counter

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NFT Investor Reminds Skeptics Everything Else In World Stupid And Meaningless Too

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Boss Wouldn’t Be Such A Jerk If He Knew About Negative Depiction In Employee’s Unpublished Novel

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TikTok Helps Kidnapper Find Teen

Politics

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Boris Johnson Unsure How U.K. One Country But Also Four

LONDON—In a meeting to discuss possible adjustments to steel import tariffs, Prime Minister Boris Johnson confided to his cabinet Monday that he was unsure how the United Kingdom was one country but also four. “Just to digress for a moment, I’m…

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House Removes Paul Gosar From Anime And Manga Committee

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Texas Bans Access To Tall Staircases In Case Women With Unwanted Pregnancies Get Any Ideas

Slideshow

Most Insidious Ways Politicians Have Curtailed U.S. Voting Rights

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Energized Chris Christie Ready For Next Chapter Of Humiliation

Videos

The Cost Of Crystal Meth: What You Should Know About This Deadly Drug And Where You Can Buy Some If You Decide It’s Worth The Risk

Slideshow

What To Say When Someone Tells You To Lose Weight

What To Know About The Ghislaine Maxwell Trial

The Onion Reviews 'Licorice Pizza'

Editorial Cartoon: ‘Gotta Retch Em All’

80 Famous

NASA Delays Space Walk After It Starts Snowing In Outer Space

‘Handled Variety Of Tasks,’ Writes Kamala Harris, Struggling To Fill Out Performance Review Self-Assessment

Hertz Hopeful New Football Player Spokesperson Doesn’t Murder Two People This Time Around

Brian Kelly Admits He Never Actually Believed In God

Things You Should Never Say To A Flight Attendant

Square Enix Writers Explain Why They’ll Never Put The Coward Marlin Into A ‘Kingdom Hearts’ Game

Nation’s Embattled CEOs Announce We Just Gotta Do Better, Simple As That

Man Just 3 More Failed Goals Away From Becoming Crypto Guy

Theater-Loving Friend Crying For Different Reason Today

Dr. Scholl’s Introduces New Amputation Kit For Dry, Cracked Feet

Critics Claim Mac Jones Just Product Of Being Talented Quarterback In System With Elite Defense And Coaching

Stage Mom Emphasizes Nudity Depends On The Role

Walgreens Customer Really Pushing It With Amount Of Non-Medical Stuff She’s Bringing To Pharmacy Counter

NFT Investor Reminds Skeptics Everything Else In World Stupid And Meaningless Too

Boss Wouldn’t Be Such A Jerk If He Knew About Negative Depiction In Employee’s Unpublished Novel

TikTok Helps Kidnapper Find Teen

Boris Johnson Unsure How U.K. One Country But Also Four

House Removes Paul Gosar From Anime And Manga Committee

Texas Bans Access To Tall Staircases In Case Women With Unwanted Pregnancies Get Any Ideas

Most Insidious Ways Politicians Have Curtailed U.S. Voting Rights

Energized Chris Christie Ready For Next Chapter Of Humiliation

Worst Arguments People Make Against Switching To Renewable Energy

Thoughts Every Woman Has Had In The Workplace

Worst Ways Boomers Screwed Over Millennials

Craziest Reasons People Are Afraid Of Teaching Critical Race Theory In Schools

As A Show Of Good Faith, We’re Sending In 10 Little-Known Facts About ‘The Witcher’ And All We Ask Is You Not Harm Any Of The Hostages

Square Enix Writers Explain Why They’ll Never Put The Coward Marlin Into A ‘Kingdom Hearts’ Game

Good News RPG Fans: We’re All Constantly Playing Some Kind Of Role No Matter What

Ultimate Betrayal: It Has Come To Our Attention That There Is A Non-Gamer Within The Ranks Of Our Readership, And We Will Find You

The Onion Reviews 'Licorice Pizza'

Heartwarming Gravy Donation Drive

Making Mashed Potatoes Like The Pilgrims

We Invited Logan Paul And BTS To Collab On A Video With Us And They Crashed Into Each Other On The Way Over

The Cost Of Crystal Meth: What You Should Know About This Deadly Drug And Where You Can Buy Some If You Decide It’s Worth The Risk

80 Famous

New Beatles Doc Gives Man Greater Appreciation For How Long 8 Hours Feels

What To Watch This Thanksgiving Weekend

Giannis Antetokounmpo Comes Out Of Nowhere To Block Shot In Nuggets-Magic Game

Hertz Hopeful New Football Player Spokesperson Doesn’t Murder Two People This Time Around

Brian Kelly Admits He Never Actually Believed In God

Critics Claim Mac Jones Just Product Of Being Talented Quarterback In System With Elite Defense And Coaching

World’s First Living Robots Can Now Reproduce, Say Scientists

Dr. Oz Announces Bid For Pennsylvania Senate Seat

Barbados Cuts Final Ties With British Monarchy

Jack Dorsey Steps Down As Twitter CEO