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15 Popes They Didn’t Tell You About In Sunday School

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The Best Cities To Live In For Fans Of Rock And Roll Museums And The Cleveland Browns

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Greatest World Series Champions Of All Time

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Netflix Announces List Of Hulu Executives Disappearing At End Of October

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Asshole Refusing To Pay Reward For Lost Dog As If Poster Specified It Had To Be Alive

WESTMINSTER, CO—Attempting to renege on his original promise by invoking a bullshit technicality, some asshole was reportedly refusing to pay a reward Thursday for returning his lost dog as if the poster specified it had to be alive. “The poster…

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Steve Mnuchin, Nancy Pelosi Announce Meeting To Put Finishing Touches On 1,000-Piece ‘Starry Night’ Jigsaw Puzzle

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Aunt Who’s Really Mom’s Friend Announces She Saw Inside Of Willie Nelson’s Bus Once

FOX CHAPEL, PA—Taking a sip of her jumbo frozen margarita and asking everyone if they remembered the Dripping Springs Reunion tour, local Aunt Dottie Preston, who is really mom’s friend, announced Thursday that she saw the inside of Willie Nelson’s…

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Desperate CDC Now Just Claiming Wearing A Mask Will Make You Rich And Famous Beyond Wildest Dreams

ATLANTA—Desperate to convince the American public to take steps that will stem the spread of Covid-19, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention issued a statement Thursday that suggested putting on a mask was likely to make a person rich and…

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Student Travels To Remote Indian Temple To Train With Legendary Yoga Ball

RISHIKESH, INDIA—Arriving early Friday at a remote Himalayan temple after weeks of strenuous travel, American yoga student Jennifer Miller dressed in the traditional moisture-wicking clothing required of pilgrims, unrolled her ceremonial rubber mat,…

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Rudy Giuliani Releases Video Of Himself Masturbating To Show What It Would Actually Look Like

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New Covid Cases Continue To Soar Even Though Todd Peters Of Scottsdale, AZ Said It Would Be Over By Now

A Truly Glorious Time! A New Generation of Young Adults Are Now Able To Experience Borat’s Bare Ass

Politics

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Amy Coney Barrett Promises Catholic Faith Won’t Interfere With Court’s Crushing Of The Poor, Downtrodden

WASHINGTON—In an effort to assure critics during her Senate confirmation hearing for the Supreme Court, Judge Amy Coney Barrett promised Monday that her Catholic faith’s tenets of generosity and humanity would not interfere with her duty on the…

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Right-Wing Militia Wondering When Someone Will Notice They’ve Been Holding J.B. Pritzker Hostage For Months

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How Trump Can Beat Biden

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‘Poll Watching Is Not Voter Intimidation,’ Trump Supporter Whispers Into Ear Of Man Filling Out Ballot In Voting Booth

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‘Thank God I Voted Absentee In Whatever Dumb Ohio Town I’m From,’ Say Brooklyn Residents

The Topical

Frustrated Political Scientist Patton Oswalt Attempts To Explain Gerrymandering Without Help Of Visual Aids

The Topical

Health Experts Determine College Social Distancing Guidelines Still No Match For The Jasonator

The Topical

Conservatives Hopeful SCOTUS Majority Will Bring Days Of On-Demand Cervical Cancer Detection To An End

Local

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Man Cannot For The Life Of Him Understand Why Wife Enjoys TV Show Marketed Toward Married 30-50-Year-Old Women

TAOS, NM—Admitting that he “didn’t get the hype” over the serialized drama, local man Connor Sharp revealed Friday that he could not for the life of him understand why his wife, Lauren, enjoys a television show marketed toward married women between…

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Mom Won’t Stop Talking About How Doctor Praised Her Colonoscopy Preparation

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Old Man Remembers When Things Cost Roughly The Same As Now After Adjusting For Inflation

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Liberal Man Worried Biden Victory Would Immediately Reignite Discussions About Having Kids

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Mask Accidentally Leaves House Without Face

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What To Read While Social Distancing

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10 Breathtaking Photos That Perfectly Capture The Unwavering Spirit Of Scissors

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How To Stay Connected To Others During Social Distancing

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11 Simple Cocktail Recipes To Try While Quarantining

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‘Horizon Zero Dawn’ Star Ashly Burch Teaches Her Top Tricks For Aspiring Video Game Voice Actors

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Talk Around The Con: The Most Insane Quotes We Heard Around OGE

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Highlights Of The Onion Gamers Expo: Part 2

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Highlights Of The Onion Gamers Expo: Part 1

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5 Things To Know About Constitutional Originalism

Best Animal Livestream Feeds To Watch While Social Distancing

How To Turn A Side Hustle Into A Business

How Someone Becomes A Saint

Entertainment

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Aaron Sorkin Defends Taking Liberties With Scene In Which All Members Of Chicago 7 Endorse Joe Biden

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David Blaine Wakes Up In Cold Sweat From Nightmare In Which He Dies Of Natural Causes

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Bob Dylan Not Exactly Rising To Occasion As Far As Current Protest Music Goes

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Psychic Already Sick Of Spectral James Randi Ragging On Her From Afterlife

Sports

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Buccaneers Unnerved By Jason Pierre-Paul Celebrating Touchdowns By Lighting Fireworks On Sideline

Sports News In Brief

Tampa Bay Awards Ceremonial First Pitch Of World Series Game To Stingray That Killed Steve Irwin

Sports News In Brief

Eagles Fan Starts Tailgating At 9 A.M. For Custody Hearing

Sports News In Brief

Adam Gase Insists It Way Too Early To Think About Destroying Trevor Lawrence

Opinion

American Voices

Study Finds Male Chimps Mellow With Age

American Voices

Average Overdraft Fees Reach Record High

American Voices

Researchers Discover New Organ In Human Head

American Voices

15 Popes They Didn’t Tell You About In Sunday School

The Best Cities To Live In For Fans Of Rock And Roll Museums And The Cleveland Browns

Greatest World Series Champions Of All Time

Netflix Announces List Of Hulu Executives Disappearing At End Of October

Asshole Refusing To Pay Reward For Lost Dog As If Poster Specified It Had To Be Alive

Steve Mnuchin, Nancy Pelosi Announce Meeting To Put Finishing Touches On 1,000-Piece ‘Starry Night’ Jigsaw Puzzle

Aunt Who’s Really Mom’s Friend Announces She Saw Inside Of Willie Nelson’s Bus Once

Desperate CDC Now Just Claiming Wearing A Mask Will Make You Rich And Famous Beyond Wildest Dreams

Student Travels To Remote Indian Temple To Train With Legendary Yoga Ball

Trump Storms Back Into Interview While Leslie Stahl Eating Lunch At Home

Bob Dylan Not Exactly Rising To Occasion As Far As Current Protest Music Goes

Man Feels Like Girlfriend Hasn’t Been Putting Effort Into His Appearance Lately

Miffed Biden Warns Trump’s Undignified Behavior Could Cost Him Cabinet Post

Rudy Giuliani Releases Video Of Himself Masturbating To Show What It Would Actually Look Like

New Covid Cases Continue To Soar Even Though Todd Peters Of Scottsdale, AZ Said It Would Be Over By Now

A Truly Glorious Time! A New Generation of Young Adults Are Now Able To Experience Borat’s Bare Ass

Amy Coney Barrett Promises Catholic Faith Won’t Interfere With Court’s Crushing Of The Poor, Downtrodden

Right-Wing Militia Wondering When Someone Will Notice They’ve Been Holding J.B. Pritzker Hostage For Months

How Trump Can Beat Biden

‘Poll Watching Is Not Voter Intimidation,’ Trump Supporter Whispers Into Ear Of Man Filling Out Ballot In Voting Booth

‘Thank God I Voted Absentee In Whatever Dumb Ohio Town I’m From,’ Say Brooklyn Residents

Frustrated Political Scientist Patton Oswalt Attempts To Explain Gerrymandering Without Help Of Visual Aids

Health Experts Determine College Social Distancing Guidelines Still No Match For The Jasonator

Conservatives Hopeful SCOTUS Majority Will Bring Days Of On-Demand Cervical Cancer Detection To An End

Man Cannot For The Life Of Him Understand Why Wife Enjoys TV Show Marketed Toward Married 30-50-Year-Old Women

Mom Won’t Stop Talking About How Doctor Praised Her Colonoscopy Preparation

Old Man Remembers When Things Cost Roughly The Same As Now After Adjusting For Inflation

Liberal Man Worried Biden Victory Would Immediately Reignite Discussions About Having Kids

Mask Accidentally Leaves House Without Face

What To Read While Social Distancing

10 Breathtaking Photos That Perfectly Capture The Unwavering Spirit Of Scissors

How To Stay Connected To Others During Social Distancing

11 Simple Cocktail Recipes To Try While Quarantining

‘Horizon Zero Dawn’ Star Ashly Burch Teaches Her Top Tricks For Aspiring Video Game Voice Actors

Talk Around The Con: The Most Insane Quotes We Heard Around OGE

Highlights Of The Onion Gamers Expo: Part 2

Highlights Of The Onion Gamers Expo: Part 1

5 Things To Know About Constitutional Originalism

Best Animal Livestream Feeds To Watch While Social Distancing

How To Turn A Side Hustle Into A Business

How Someone Becomes A Saint

Aaron Sorkin Defends Taking Liberties With Scene In Which All Members Of Chicago 7 Endorse Joe Biden

David Blaine Wakes Up In Cold Sweat From Nightmare In Which He Dies Of Natural Causes

Bob Dylan Not Exactly Rising To Occasion As Far As Current Protest Music Goes

Psychic Already Sick Of Spectral James Randi Ragging On Her From Afterlife

Buccaneers Unnerved By Jason Pierre-Paul Celebrating Touchdowns By Lighting Fireworks On Sideline

Tampa Bay Awards Ceremonial First Pitch Of World Series Game To Stingray That Killed Steve Irwin

Eagles Fan Starts Tailgating At 9 A.M. For Custody Hearing

Adam Gase Insists It Way Too Early To Think About Destroying Trevor Lawrence

Study Finds Male Chimps Mellow With Age

Average Overdraft Fees Reach Record High

Researchers Discover New Organ In Human Head

‘Fast & Furious’ Franchise To End After 11th Movie