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America's Finest News Source.

America's Finest News Source.

Illustration for National Weather Service Warns Recent Snow-Cainado May Be Tied To Professor Barnabas T. Vile’s Weather Destabilizing Machine

The Topical: National Weather Service Warns Recent Snow-Cainado May Be Tied To Professor Barnabas T. Vile’s Weather Destabilizing Machine

Illustration for Potential Outcomes For Ginsburg’s Vacant Supreme Court Seat

Potential Outcomes For Ginsburg’s Vacant Supreme Court Seat

Illustration for Mitt Romney Backs Filling Supreme Court Vacancy Before Election

American Voices

Mitt Romney Backs Filling Supreme Court Vacancy Before Election

Illustration for The Onion Looks Back At The Life And Legacy Of Ruth Bader Ginsburg

The Onion Looks Back At The Life And Legacy Of Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Illustration for Hiker Wandering Through Oregon Forest Enjoying Vibrant Reds And Golds Of Fall

Hiker Wandering Through Oregon Forest Enjoying Vibrant Reds And Golds Of Fall

SUMMER LAKE, OR—Saying the blazing orange hues always put him in a certain autumnal state of mind, local hiker Jeff Sanders spent Wednesday morning wandering through an Oregon forest to enjoy the vibrant reds and golds of fall. “Boy, it’s incredible…

Illustration for New Patriotic 1776 Commission Struggling To Find Ways To Improve Upon Education System’s Existing Propaganda

New Patriotic 1776 Commission Struggling To Find Ways To Improve Upon Education System’s Existing Propaganda

NASA Scientists Confirm Earth Dating The Moon

WASHINGTON—Following years of speculation by the world’s foremost astronomers, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration confirmed Monday that the Earth is dating the Moon. “The two have been seen together regularly for the past 4.5 billion…

Father Reminds Child He Should Never Ever Handle Gun Unless He’s Super Bored

JASPER, IN—Stressing the firearm was for “emergencies only,” local father Kenny Webb reminded his son Nolan that he should never ever handle his gun unless he’s super bored, household sources confirmed Tuesday. “Let me be clear: This gun is not a…

Biden Campaigns Door-To-Door In JPMorgan Chase Headquarters

NEW YORK—As the Democratic presidential nominee ramped up his in-person efforts to get out the vote, members of the Joe Biden campaign reportedly went door-to-door Tuesday in the JPMorgan Chase headquarters. “Door-knocking is a core part of talking…

Illustration for Ginsburg Clerks Wheel Filing Cabinets Into Capitol As Per Late Justice’s Request To Finish Some Work Before Burial

Ginsburg Clerks Wheel Filing Cabinets Into Capitol As Per Late Justice’s Request To Finish Some Work Before Burial

Illustration for Calf Annoyed By Mother Always Giving Guilt Trip About How Vet Had To Stick Chain Up Vagina To Pull Her Out

Calf Annoyed By Mother Always Giving Guilt Trip About How Vet Had To Stick Chain Up Vagina To Pull Her Out

Illustration for Major Letdown: It Looks Like The Witch Who Hexed Us To Be Infertile Until There Are 20 Main Series ‘Zelda’ Games Considers The New ‘Breath Of The Wild’ Prequel To Be A Spinoff

Major Letdown: It Looks Like The Witch Who Hexed Us To Be Infertile Until There Are 20 Main Series ‘Zelda’ Games Considers The New ‘Breath Of The Wild’ Prequel To Be A Spinoff

More

Illustration for A Glorious Coincidence! We Were Going To Write This Glowing Review of Visible Well Before They Paid Us To

Branded Content from Onion Labs

A Glorious Coincidence! We Were Going To Write This Glowing Review of Visible Well Before They Paid Us To

Illustration for Sonia Sotomayor Dies Choking On Chicken Wing

Sonia Sotomayor Dies Choking On Chicken Wing

Illustration for Sonia Sotomayor Narrowly Survives Gas Leak Explosion

Sonia Sotomayor Narrowly Survives Gas Leak Explosion

Illustration for Elena Kagan Decapitated During Rollercoaster Ride

Elena Kagan Decapitated During Rollercoaster Ride

Politics

Illustration for New Patriotic 1776 Commission Struggling To Find Ways To Improve Upon Education System’s Existing Propaganda

New Patriotic 1776 Commission Struggling To Find Ways To Improve Upon Education System’s Existing Propaganda

WASHINGTON—Frantically scouring textbooks to find sections in need of revision, members of President Donald Trump’s new patriotic 1776 Commission struggled Wednesday to find ways to improve upon the education system’s existing propaganda. “We cut…

Illustration for The Onion Looks Back At The Life And Legacy Of Ruth Bader Ginsburg

The Onion Looks Back At The Life And Legacy Of Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Illustration for Biden Campaigns Door-To-Door In JPMorgan Chase Headquarters

Biden Campaigns Door-To-Door In JPMorgan Chase Headquarters

Illustration for Ginsburg Clerks Wheel Filing Cabinets Into Capitol As Per Late Justice’s Request To Finish Some Work Before Burial

Ginsburg Clerks Wheel Filing Cabinets Into Capitol As Per Late Justice’s Request To Finish Some Work Before Burial

Illustration for Xi Jinping Jails Chinese Tycoon For Failing To Use Sandwich Method Of Constructive Criticism When Condemning Him

Xi Jinping Jails Chinese Tycoon For Failing To Use Sandwich Method Of Constructive Criticism When Condemning Him

Illustration for Napkin Industry Under Fire For History Of Holding Greasy Slobs To Impossible Beauty Standards

Napkin Industry Under Fire For History Of Holding Greasy Slobs To Impossible Beauty Standards

Illustration for National Weather Service Warns Recent Snow-Cainado May Be Tied To Professor Barnabas T. Vile’s Weather Destabilizing Machine

National Weather Service Warns Recent Snow-Cainado May Be Tied To Professor Barnabas T. Vile’s Weather Destabilizing Machine

Illustration for Student Loan Debt Making It More Difficult For Millennials To Subscribe To The Topical’s Patreon Despite Incredibly Low-Priced Membership Tiers

Student Loan Debt Making It More Difficult For Millennials To Subscribe To The Topical’s Patreon Despite Incredibly Low-Priced Membership Tiers

Local

Illustration for Father Reminds Child He Should Never Ever Handle Gun Unless He’s Super Bored

Father Reminds Child He Should Never Ever Handle Gun Unless He’s Super Bored

JASPER, IN—Stressing the firearm was for “emergencies only,” local father Kenny Webb reminded his son Nolan that he should never ever handle his gun unless he’s super bored, household sources confirmed Tuesday. “Let me be clear: This gun is not a…

Illustration for Smoke Alarm Sick Of Being Yelled At For Doing Its Job

Smoke Alarm Sick Of Being Yelled At For Doing Its Job

Illustration for Calf Annoyed By Mother Always Giving Guilt Trip About How Vet Had To Stick Chain Up Vagina To Pull Her Out

Calf Annoyed By Mother Always Giving Guilt Trip About How Vet Had To Stick Chain Up Vagina To Pull Her Out

Illustration for ‘Then The Pandemic Hit And We Decided It Was Too Scary To Break Up’ Conclude Heartfelt Wedding Vows In 2022

‘Then The Pandemic Hit And We Decided It Was Too Scary To Break Up’ Conclude Heartfelt Wedding Vows In 2022

Illustration for Girlfriend Doing Something With Leaves From Outside

Girlfriend Doing Something With Leaves From Outside

Slideshows

Illustration for What To Read While Social Distancing

What To Read While Social Distancing

Illustration for 10 Breathtaking Photos That Perfectly Capture The Unwavering Spirit Of Scissors

10 Breathtaking Photos That Perfectly Capture The Unwavering Spirit Of Scissors

Illustration for How To Stay Connected To Others During Social Distancing

How To Stay Connected To Others During Social Distancing

Illustration for 11 Simple Cocktail Recipes To Try While Quarantining

11 Simple Cocktail Recipes To Try While Quarantining

Illustration for Major Letdown: It Looks Like The Witch Who Hexed Us To Be Infertile Until There Are 20 Main Series ‘Zelda’ Games Considers The New ‘Breath Of The Wild’ Prequel To Be A Spinoff

Major Letdown: It Looks Like The Witch Who Hexed Us To Be Infertile Until There Are 20 Main Series ‘Zelda’ Games Considers The New ‘Breath Of The Wild’ Prequel To Be A Spinoff

Illustration for Console Wars: Sony Undercuts Xbox’s $500 Price By Printing Counterfeit Bills To Cause Hyperinflation And Make The American Dollar Worthless

Console Wars: Sony Undercuts Xbox’s $500 Price By Printing Counterfeit Bills To Cause Hyperinflation And Make The American Dollar Worthless

Illustration for Gamers, We Should Be Thrilled To Share These New PS5 Images With You, But In Reality We’ve Been Dreading It Because Sometimes You Guys Are Fucking Mean

Gamers, We Should Be Thrilled To Share These New PS5 Images With You, But In Reality We’ve Been Dreading It Because Sometimes You Guys Are Fucking Mean

Illustration for Bad News: Toad Died

Bad News: Toad Died

Videos

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5 Things To Know About ‘Mulan’

Illustration for eBay Turns 25

eBay Turns 25

Illustration for What’s Causing The Spread Of Coronavirus At Colleges?

What’s Causing The Spread Of Coronavirus At Colleges?

Illustration for The Onion Reviews ‘Mulan’

The Onion Reviews ‘Mulan’

Entertainment

Illustration for Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 22, 2020

Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 22, 2020

Illustration for Conservative Conspiracy Theorist Outraged After Stumbling Upon Entire Netflix Section Dedicated To Kids

Conservative Conspiracy Theorist Outraged After Stumbling Upon Entire Netflix Section Dedicated To Kids

Illustration for Exasperated Plumber Explains To Kanye West Why Flushing Awards Bad For Toilet

Exasperated Plumber Explains To Kanye West Why Flushing Awards Bad For Toilet

Illustration for The Onion’s 2020 Emmy Predictions

The Onion’s 2020 Emmy Predictions

Sports

Illustration for Terry Francona’s Face Shield Splattered With Chew Spit

Terry Francona’s Face Shield Splattered With Chew Spit

Illustration for Scientists Study Brains Of Baseball Fans To Find Out How They Stay Interested During First 7 Innings

Scientists Study Brains Of Baseball Fans To Find Out How They Stay Interested During First 7 Innings

Illustration for The Onion’s Fantasy Football Expert Gives His Pro Tips For Managing Your Team

The Onion’s Fantasy Football Expert Gives His Pro Tips For Managing Your Team

Illustration for Tom Brady Not Sure How To Ask Coach For Tape Of Other Team’s Practice

Tom Brady Not Sure How To Ask Coach For Tape Of Other Team’s Practice

Opinion

Illustration for Mitt Romney Backs Filling Supreme Court Vacancy Before Election

American Voices

Mitt Romney Backs Filling Supreme Court Vacancy Before Election

Illustration for Unitely News

Editorial Cartoon

Unitely News

Illustration for Trump Administration Names 3 Cities ‘Anarchy Jurisdictions’

American Voices

Trump Administration Names 3 Cities ‘Anarchy Jurisdictions’

Illustration for ‘Schitt’s Creek’ Sweeps Emmys

American Voices

‘Schitt’s Creek’ Sweeps Emmys