Man Can Still Win Fantasy Football This Week Provided Tight End Scores 9 Touchdowns On Monday
Zoologists Admit You Really Got To Hand It To Bats For Learning To Fly
NEW YORK—Noting their begrudging respect while singing praises of the winged mammals, zoologists nationwide admitted Monday that you’ve really got to hand it to bats for learning how to fly. “After extensive research, we’ve found that you have to give bats their due for figuring out how to soar through the air,” said…
Sean McDermott Wonders If He Still Needs To Act Angry Even If Everyone Already Knows Bills Going To Lose
BUFFALO, NY—Watching his team fail miserably while attempting to convert yet another third down and long, Buffalo Bills head coach Sean McDermott wondered Sunday if he still needed to act angry even though everyone already knew the Bills were going to lose. “I mean, everybody saw this coming, should I even bother…
Over 417,000 Hours Of Private Presidential Conversations Discovered After No One Remembered To Turn Off Richard Nixon’s Tape Recorder
WASHINGTON—Baffled as to how the potentially disastrous mistake could have gone unnoticed for so many years, White House sources confirmed Friday that roughly 417,225 hours of private presidential conversations were discovered immaculately preserved due to the fact that no one remembered to turn off Richard Nixon’s…
Polite High School Football Team Runs Around Banner That Took Hours To Make
GRANDVIEW, TX—Sprinting onto the field with a thundering roar of “Pardon us, please,” the scrupulously polite Grandview Knights high school football team ran around a hand-drawn break-away banner Friday rather than bursting through it, recognizing that it must have taken hours of hard work to make. “So much talent and…
Comey: Mueller May be In ‘Fourth Quarter’ Of Investigation
Former FBI director James Comey speculated this week that the special investigation of Russian interference in the 2016 election may be in its “fourth quarter,” citing the guilty pleas Robert Mueller obtained from high-ranking Trump associates. What do you think?
Trump Asks Why Kavanaugh Accuser Didn’t Just Immediately Request Hush Money
WASHINGTON—Questioning the actions taken by Christine Blasey Ford in the 1980s following the alleged sexual abuse by Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh while they were in high school, President Donald Trump reportedly asked Friday why she didn’t just immediately request hush money. “If this thing actually happened,…
Pros And Cons Of Amazon
Amazon has relied on its convenience and low prices to become the biggest online retailer on the planet, but the company has recently come under increased scrutiny for a variety of issues regarding its effect on competition and the ways it treats its workers. The Onion presents the pros and cons of Amazon.
Congress Wishes They Could Help Puerto Rico But It’s All The Way Over There
WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that they really want to help any way they can, members of Congress announced Friday that while they desperately wish they could lend aid and assistance to the U.S. territory of Puerto Rico while it struggles to recover from Hurricane Maria, the fact remains that the island is all the way over…
Applicant Who Actually Faced Punishment For Sexual Assault Clearly Not Yale Material
NEW HAVEN, CT—Immediately dismissing the high school senior’s chances of acceptance after reviewing his record, Yale admissions officers reportedly decided Friday that an applicant who had actually faced punishment for committing sexual assault was clearly not Yale material. “We have a very high standard here at Yale,…
College Freshman Has Friend From Home Visiting Way Too Soon
GALESBURG, IL—Baffled by the unusual pace of their classmate’s social involvement, residents at a Knox College dormitory observed Friday that fellow student Andrew Witte had a friend from home visiting way too soon. “Well, okay. We’ve only been here a couple weeks, and Drew already has a high school buddy crashing in…
Sony Launching Retro PlayStation Classic In December
In the wake of the success of retro consoles like NES Classic, Sony will produce a miniature version of the original PlayStation for $99.99, which comes pre-loaded with 20 games, including Final Fantasy VII and Tekken 3. What do you think?
Man Who Just Beat Computer Solitaire Never Asked For Overwhelming Sensory Assault Of Victory Animation
UNION, KY—His eyes rolling back as the blinding light emanating from the display filled the room, local man Reeves Halko, his ragged voice barely audible over the deafening sound of cards shuffling faster and faster, confirmed Friday that he never asked for the overwhelming sensory assault of its victory animation.…
