THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS—In a fierce and heated defense of his conduct while running the world’s largest and most respected social media company, Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum rebuked 480,000 International Criminal Court charges in testimony Thursday, including illegal surveillance, insider trading, mass murder,…
JANESVILLE, IA—Indicating that this happens at least once a week, a report released Thursday confirmed that your father is currently typing the words “naked women” into the Yahoo images search bar. According to sources, the man who raised you is, at this very moment, sitting in a darkened home office, using both…
Users of the robust Onion Social community have come together to applaud CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum’s courage in standing strong in the face of libelous criticism leveled at him from the media and world governments. What do you think?
EVERYWHERE—Claiming that they just couldn’t stand this bullshit anymore, Americans across the country confirmed Thursday that someone, anyone needs to please, just make it stop. “Please, please, please, we’re begging you here, just put an end to it immediately,” said sources, noting that it had all gone way, way too…
THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS—Called before the International Criminal Court to address charges of breaching the Geneva Conventions as well as to publicize the game-changing innovations his website has recently introduced, Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum appeared before a Hague tribunal Thursday to be tried for crimes…
Interested in joining the social media revolution? Sign up for onionsocial.com here.
This example of peerless reportage comes to you from Onion Social News. Onion Social News gives users access to the finest algorithmically-selected journalism, controlling what you see and when you see it for the betterment of humanity and beyond. To learn more, click here.
MIAMI—Spitting at photographers while he was escorted away in handcuffs, Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum was apprehended by law enforcement at Miami International Airport on Thursday carrying approximately $800,000 in cash. “The suspect was taken into custody at approximately 6 a.m. while attempting to board a…
PATMOS, GREECE—In a stunning discovery that has Biblical scholars across the world racing for an interpretation, archaeologists from the University of Cambridge found a hitherto unseen passage from the Book of Revelation Thursday in which the prophet John of Patmos foresaw the “violent reign of the red-headed…
Interested in joining the social media revolution? Sign up for onionsocial.com here.
Onion Social staff physician Harold P. Zweibel definitively concluded that the website is not to blame for mass outbreaks of user illness, putting to bed rumors created by its detractors. What do you think?
PALO ALTO, CA—In an effort to assuage concerns that the website was a clear and present danger to human life, an Onion Social study released Thursday found no clear link between Onion Social use and the uncontrollable vomiting of black bile. “We can say with 100 percent certainty that spending several hours a day…
PALO ALTO, CA—Responding to recent reports of chaos within his company, Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum announced Thursday that he would donate $50 to aid Haiti in the island nation’s continuing humanitarian crisis. “I am formally announcing a donation of 50 U.S. dollars for the betterment of life and the ongoing…
Interested in joining the social media revolution? Sign up for onionsocial.com here.
NEW HAVEN, CT—At a loss to explain the mysterious nature of the president’s powers, political scientists were reportedly baffled Wednesday by Donald Trump’s ability to end the practice of separating families who cross the U.S. border seeking asylum mere days after stating that he had no control over it. “Just…
WASHINGTON—In a stunning development unfolding rapidly throughout the once-predominantly Caucasian nation, America’s white population plummeted to 2.7 percent Wednesday following President Trump’s decision to cave on immigration enforcement. “The second that Trump showed weakness on immigration, people throughout…
When Walter Anderson was convicted of murdering a convenience store clerk two decades ago, it seemed like he would be in prison for the rest of his life. However, an incredible nonprofit pressured the courts to revisit Walter’s case, and thanks to new forensic tools, he received some incredible news: After spending 20…
WASHINGTON—Claiming that the newly signed executive order ending the separation of immigrant families at the border was a return to the United States’ most foundational principles, Americans reportedly finally recognized their own country again Wednesday after witnessing the president do a half-assed job walking back…
The most fascinating people on the planet are right here on ClickHole to answer all your fascinating questions about the most fascinating topics, all in real time. So join the convo on today’s Ask Questions At Me!
