Senator Dick Durbin Forced To Watch State Of The Union Address From Home After Getting Ripped Off By Ticket Scalper
WASHINGTON—Swearing this was the last time he would trust a seller on the street, Illinois Senator Dick Durbin was forced to watch the State of the Union address from home Tuesday after getting ripped off by a ticket scalper. “I should have known something was up when that sketchy asshole claimed he had awesome seats…
Stephen Miller Rewards Self After Day Of Speechwriting With Trip To See Children In Local ICE Detention Center
WASHINGTON—Saying the outing was a well-deserved treat for laboring on President Trump’s upcoming State of the Union address, senior policy advisor Stephen Miller reportedly rewarded himself Tuesday with a trip to see all the children at a local ICE detention center. “I’ve been putting in some pretty long hours, so…
The DREAM Act: Myth Vs. Fact
The DREAM Act, which would provide permanent residency to immigrants brought into the country as children who fulfill certain requirements, has been controversial since its introduction in 2001 and remains one of the focal points of the immigration debate. The Onion outlines the myths and facts surrounding the DREAM…
The Secret To My 65-Year Marriage Is Trust, Respect, And Threatening To Kill Myself If She Leaves
It often amazes people when they hear how long my wife and I have been happily wed. These days, with so many young people getting divorced, it just doesn’t seem possible to them. When friends ask how we’ve managed to stay together, I always tell them the same thing: The secret to our 65-year marriage has been trust,…
Flustered Mathematician Unable To Recommend Good Number
BOSTON—Growing more agitated the harder he tried coming up with a suggestion, mathematician William Haley reportedly became flustered Tuesday after he was unable to recommend a good number. “Ah, shit, give me a second, I’m totally blanking on a numeral right now,” said an overwhelmed Haley, adding that while there…
Stepmom Doesn’t Expect Kids To Call Her Stupid Bitch Right Away
FREMONT, CA—Stressing that they should only say it once they feel comfortable, local stepmom Allison Pratt told reporters Tuesday that she doesn’t expect her stepchildren to call her a stupid bitch right away. “They were already teenagers when I came into their lives, so I understand if it takes a while before they…
Cleveland Indians Owner Admits Chief Wahoo No Longer Compatible With Modern Revenue Growth Expectations
CLEVELAND—Stressing the importance of showing consideration for every stockholder, Cleveland Indians owner Paul Dolan admitted Monday that mascot Chief Wahoo is no longer compatible with modern revenue growth expectations. “Although he has been the franchise symbol for decades, we decided it’s best to remove Chief…





