Hindsight is always 20/20, which makes it pretty tough to watch a misjudgment as drastic as this one play out: This woman’s weekend-long trip with her friend should have really just been a lunch.
EUGENE, OR—Explaining that the alerts induce an unparalleled sense of euphoric bliss, a new study conducted by the University of Oregon Department of Psychology found that Onion Social notifications are 300 times more satisfying to receive than notifications from Facebook. “Using sophisticated neuroimaging techniques,…
WASHINGTON—Saying the drunken exploits he managed to pull off following his first Stanley Cup victory could serve as encouragement to others, Alexander Ovechkin told reporters Tuesday he hopes to inspire athletes to successfully power through their own month-long binge-drinking sprees. “Hopefully, I can help motivate…
Mindy Kaling’s career has only continued skyrocketing since she finished her stint writing for and co-starring in ‘The Office.’ From her eponymous TV show to roles in blockbusters like ‘A Wrinkle In Time’ and ‘Ocean’s 8' this year, Kaling’s career shows no sign of slowing down. We sat down with the writer, director,…
Onion Social has shot to the top of the Fortune 500 list with a $22.7 trillion market value, roughly five-fourths of U.S. GDP. What do you think?
NEW YORK—Shouting directly at the camera while a graphic of two infants appeared on the screen behind him, Fox News anchor Tucker Carlson used the opening segment of his show Tuesday to angrily explain the difference between a good baby and a bad baby. “Idiot liberals will tell you that there’s only one type of baby,…
SAN SALVADOR, EL SALVADOR—Praising U.S. law enforcement officials for the unfettered cruelty they have unleashed along the Mexican border, MS-13 gang leader Edwin Manica Flores admitted Tuesday that observing ICE’s work in recent weeks has provided him with quite a bit of inspiration. “Seriously, we would have never…
WASHINGTON—Claiming that the publication of such a brief, tantalizing bit of audio was a breach of their journalistic responsibility, a furious Stephen Miller told reporters Tuesday that he was outraged at ProPublica for only releasing seven minutes of immigrant children sobbing. “It’s unacceptable that this so-called…
PALO ALTO, CA—In a stunning accomplishment that far exceeded the company’s wildest hopes, Onion Social released a report Tuesday revealing that 45 percent of users had survived beta testing. “We easily expected an 80-90 percent mortality rate, so we couldn’t be more thrilled that nearly half of all testers will be…
SAN FRANCISCO—Placing the Facebook founder under arrest after he briefly attempted to flee, San Francisco police busted a filthy, unshaven Mark Zuckerberg in the early hours of the morning Tuesday for trying to sell his personal data on a street corner. “Here, if anyone wants my browsing data, my search history, my…
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SOUTH JORDAN, UT—Saying the bustling scene looked like a veritable “blowout” for the six-limbed insects, local sources confirmed Tuesday that a group of ants were having some kind of wild party inside a crack in the pavement. “Wow, those ants look like they must be having a total blast in there,” said Sam Pendleton, a…
SANTA CLARA, CA—Saying it would be an honor to help the world-changing social media company in even a small way, working-class residents of Silicon Valley started a campaign Tuesday begging Onion Social to demolish their homes for its new corporate headquarters. “Please, this is the least we can do—we would gladly…
Owing to its innovative organizing and messaging abilities, flourishing social network Onion Social has inspired a wave of successful democratic uprisings in Sudan, North Korea, Syria, and dozens of other oppressed nations. What do you think?
Oh shit. Oh fuck. We did a bad thing. ClickHole made a big, lucrative sponsored content deal with Pepperidge Farm, but we got too greedy and we promised them a shitload of brand integration in this article about a boy who was dying of cancer and spent his last days raising money for other sick children. Please forgive…
LOS GATOS, CA—Insisting that the controversial episode served as a stirring reminder of the importance of self-improvement, Netflix representative Tina Komal spoke in defense of a recent episode of ‘Queer Eye’ wherein the the Fab Five were forced to euthanize a contestant who was a completely hopeless slob. “We…
MOSCOW—Lamenting that his fitness goals would now be thrown off for the rest of the World Cup, Argentinian forward Lionel Messi was reportedly pissed off Saturday after forgetting to wear his Fitbit watch during a group stage match against Iceland. “Shit. Of course the one time I leave it in the locker room, I go out…
