Roger Goodell Asks Fans To Hold Applause Until All Draft Picks Have Been Selected
Dirty, Disheveled Scott Pruitt Confesses He Spent Last Of EPA Funding Weeks Ago
WASHINGTON—Rocking back and forth in his chair and openly weeping, a dirty, disheveled EPA administrator Scott Pruitt confessed during testimony before the House Appropriations committee Thursday that he had spent the last of his department’s funding weeks ago. “It’s gone, all gone, every penny of it—poof, just like…
One For The Road: SeaWorld Has Realized People Will Be Mad At It No Matter What It Does So It’s Just Going To See How Fat It Can Make A Dolphin Before It Goes Bankrupt
SeaWorld has faced a ton of backlash over the past few years for the way it treats the animals in its park. After trying unsuccessfully to repair its image for some time, the water park has recently changed its approach: SeaWorld has realized that people will be mad at it no matter what it does, so it’s decided to…
Federal Judge Orders Trump To Accept DACA Applications
A federal judge ruled Tuesday that the protections of DACA must stay in place and that the government must resume accepting new applications, stressing that Trump’s decision to end the program was “virtually unexplained.” What do you think?
Tucker Carlson Unsure Why He In Middle Of 20-Minute Rant Against Croutons
NEW YORK—Taking a moment to reflect on how “the world’s most elitist bread” made its way into his current tirade, Fox News anchor Tucker Carlson paused midway through his show Thursday and expressed confusion about why he was currently 20 minutes into an irate rant against croutons. “These overblown, liberal salad…
Publicist Worried Kanye West’s Support Of Trump Will Damage His Carefully Crafted Public Image As A Manic Self-Absorbed Lunatic
LOS ANGELES—Expressing concern over the fallout from several controversial tweets praising the president, Kanye West’s publicist was reportedly worried Thursday that the rapper’s support of Donald Trump would damage his carefully crafted public image as a manic, self-absorbed lunatic. “Christ, we’ve worked so hard to…
Before You Go See ‘Avengers: Infinity War,’ Here’s Everything You Need To Know About The Endless Love And Compassion Of Our Lord And Savior Jesus Christ
With 18 previous movies and countless characters in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, it’s no wonder fans are worried about feeling lost during the newly released Avengers: Infinity War—and there’s no way you’ll understand the movie unless you’re all caught up on the full background nuances of Jesus Christ’s gospel of…
Bears GM Wavering Between Drafting Good Player Or Bad Player
CHICAGO—Admitting that he was torn over which one would be the best fit for the roster, Chicago Bears general manager Ryan Pace told reporters Thursday that he was wavering between drafting a good player or a bad player. “It’s a real toss-up because on one hand, you have a guy with tremendous instincts and…
Experts Warn Beef Could Act As Gateway Meat To Human Flesh
BETHESDA, MD—In an alarming new study that sheds light on the hidden dangers of the popular protein, the National Institutes of Health warned Thursday that beef may serve as a gateway meat that eventually leads those who eat it to try human flesh.
Timeline Of The White House Correspondents’ Dinner
The White House Correspondents’ Association will be holding its annual dinner on April 28, in a tradition that has happened nearly every year since 1921. The Onion presents a timeline of the biggest moments in White House Correspondents’ Dinner history.
Nation’s Baby Boomers Hold Press Conference To Announce They All Have Diseases Now
BOCA RATON, FL—Struggling to deliver the remarks in between violent coughing fits, the nation’s baby boomers held a press conference Thursday to announce that they all have diseases now. “We felt it was important to go on record and affirm that each and every one of us is stricken with an illness now,” said…
National Debt To Rise To $29 Trillion By 2020
On the heels of the recent $1.3 trillion spending bill passed by Congress, the CBO released a new 10-year forecast showing the national debt ballooning to $29 trillion by the end of the decade. What do you think?
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