OpinionConservatives Explain Why They Oppose An AP African American History CourseFlorida Gov. Ron DeSantis recently blocked an Advanced Placement African American history course from public schools. The Onion asked conservatives why they oppose an AP African American history course, and this is what they said.
LocalPolice Urge Calm In Light Of Unspeakable Evil They CommittedMEMPHIS, TN—In an attempt to quell public outrage over the upcoming release of body-cam footage showing the deadly beating of Tyre Nichols by five of its officers, the Memphis Police Department continued to urge calm Thursday in light of the…
Breaking NewsPope Francis Declares Nothing Wrong With Guy Giving Buddy Tug Job After Few DrinksVATICAN CITY—In a progressive step forward for the Catholic Church, Pope Francis declared Thursday that there was nothing wrong with a guy giving his buddy a tug job after a few drinks. “We are all children of God, and sometimes those children start…
Breaking NewsU.S. Officials Announce Plans To Continue Pretending Brutal State-Sponsored Violence Not Supposed To HappenWASHINGTON—Feigning shock and surprise over gruesome details about the murder of Tyre Nichols by Memphis Police, U.S. officials announced plans Friday to continue pretending brutal state-sponsored violence was not supposed to happen. “Today, as we…
American VoicesJustin Bieber Sells Rights To Music Catalog For $200 MillionPop star Justin Bieber has sold the rights to his music to Blackstone-backed Hipgnosis Songs Capital for $200 million, making the 28-year-old “Baby” and “Love Yourself” artist one of the youngest superstars to cash in on his life’s work. What do you…
MagazineOur Annual Parenting Edition: How Much Wine Is Too Much Wine For Your Infant And Other Questions Answered
LocalBrain Surgeon Holds Little Mirror Behind Patient’s Head So She Can See How It Looking So FarNEW YORK—Three hours into a craniotomy at New York–Presbyterian Hospital on Friday, brain surgeon James Roth reportedly held a small mirror up behind the patient’s head so she could see how the surgery was looking so far. “Do we love it?” asked the…
LocalMan Buys Slice Of Honey-Roasted Ham For Attractive Woman At Other End Of Deli CounterDAYTON, OH—In an effort to extend his compliments to the alluring shopper after she caught his eye, local man Andrew Williamson reportedly bought a slice of honey-roasted ham Thursday for the attractive woman at the other end of the deli…
LocalPhrase ‘Footloose And Fancy Free’ Makes Sudden, Confusing Return To Woman’s Vocabulary During First Date
PoliticsBiden Impregnates Popular Musician In Effort To Boost Approval NumbersWASHINGTON—In an effort to appeal to a broader audience of both Millennial and Gen Z voters, President Joe Biden reportedly impregnated a popular musician Thursday in order to boost his approval ratings. “Today, the 46th president of the United…
Breaking NewsEverything Jair Bolsonaro Has Done While In Exile In OrlandoFar-right Brazilian president Jair Bolsonaro fled to the United States after leading an unsuccessful campaign to overturn the results of the presidential last election. Here is everything Bolsonaro has done while in exile in Orlando, FL.
LocalMan Who Donated Sperm 25 Years Ago Contacted By Young Man Claiming To Be Guy Who Drank All His Sperm
American VoicesWater From Splash Mountain Selling For Up To $1,000 On eBay After Ride ClosesPeople are selling water they claim is from Disney World’s Splash Mountain ride for as much as $1,000 after the ride based on the racist 1946 film Song of the South closed for good this week. What do you think?
CommentaryOne Time I Was In England And I Was A Prince And My Mom Was Diana And She Died And My Family Is Mean And My Wife Is Brown And I’m Sorry I Wore A Nazi
MagazineOur Annual Parenting Edition: How Much Wine Is Too Much Wine For Your Infant And Other Questions Answered
BasketballMichael Jordan Opens Up About Long-Term Effects Of Orange Gatorade Seeping Out Of HeadJUPITER ISLAND, FL—Shedding light on a condition he’s been quietly struggling with since the ’90s, basketball legend Michael Jordan opened up Thursday about the long-term effects of orange Gatorade seeping out of his head. “Back in my playing days,…
