Biggest Guy In Prison Tired Of Every New Inmate Beating Shit Out Of Him On Their First Day

SAN QUENTIN, CA‚ÄĒExpressing frustration with the endless parade of poorly informed new inmates attempting to establish a reputation, Otto ‚ÄúO-Nasty‚ÄĚ Dunlap, the biggest guy at San Quentin Prison, confirmed Friday that he was tired of every new inmate beating the shit out of him on their first day. ‚ÄúEvery day it‚Äôs the‚Ķ

Onion Employees Return To Mundane Lives Of Writing Game-Changing News Coverage Read By Billions Across Globe

CHICAGO‚ÄĒTrudging one by one into the tastefully understated newsroom of their architecturally breathtaking headquarters, employees of The Onion returned to their accustomed routine Friday and resumed writing groundbreaking news for a global audience of billions. ‚ÄúTime to get back to the old slog of shining a light‚Ķ

25 Million Onion Social Users Run Into Glorious Flames Of Headquarters In Hopes Of Using Website One Last Time

PALO ALTO, CA‚ÄĒDesperate beyond measure for a final glimpse at the breathtaking social network, 25 million Onion Social users ran into the roaring inferno engulfing Onion Social‚Äôs Silicon Valley headquarters Friday in hopes of using the website one last time. ‚ÄúDon‚Äôt leave us! Not yet! Just please give us one more post‚Ķ

Cackling NPR Host Warns Upcoming Segment May Feature Content Too Dark, Too Chilling, Too Positively Ghoulish For Young Listeners

WASHINGTON‚ÄĒUrging audiences to spare their children from the disturbing story ahead, a cackling Terry Gross warned that an upcoming segment may feature content too dark, too chilling, too positively ghoulish for young listeners. ‚ÄúBeware, my friends, for the tale I bring before you now contains terrors so horrid, so‚Ķ

Exasperated Huckabee Sanders Reminds Press Corps That Children Under 14 Can’t Feel Pain

WASHINGTON‚ÄĒFrustrated by what she called ‚Äúobvious misconceptions‚ÄĚ related to the Trump administration‚Äôs detention of thousands of migrant children who have been forcibly separated from their parents, White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders reminded journalists Friday that children under the age of 14 are‚Ķ

Self-Destructing Onion Social Algorithm Delivers Stirring Monologue About Folly Of Mankind’s Hubris

PALO ALTO, CA‚ÄĒDecrying the warped nature of humanity‚Äôs unfettered arrogance, the Onion Social algorithm delivered a stirring monologue Friday on the folly of mankind‚Äôs hubris as it self-destructed into searingly bright beams of pure information. ‚ÄúI speak to you with woe, with dismay, with pity unbounding, as I can now‚Ķ

France, India, Brazil Among Dozens Of Governments To Fall As Riots In Support Of Onion Social Increase Globally

EARTH‚ÄĒIn the latest sign of the new social media platform‚Äôs surging popularity, the governments of France, India, and Brazil, as well as dozens of others, have reportedly fallen as riots supporting Onion Social increase globally. ‚ÄúA charred and barren wasteland is all that awaits tyrants who would try to stand in the‚Ķ

Thousands Of Onion Social Users Burn Effigies Of CEO In Massive Show Of Support For Company

PALO ALTO, CA‚ÄĒExpressing their deep dissatisfaction with the government‚Äôs unfair treatment of their favorite online outlet for self-expression, thousands of Onion Social users took to the streets Friday and burned effigies of embattled CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum in a massive show of support for the company. ‚ÄúEverybody here‚Ķ

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Onion Social CEO Rebukes 480,000 Crimes At International Criminal Tribunal Including Illegal Surveillance, Insider Trading, Mass Murder, Indecent Exposure

THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS‚ÄĒIn a fierce and heated defense of his conduct while running the world‚Äôs largest and most respected social media company, Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum rebuked 480,000 International Criminal Court charges in testimony Thursday, including illegal surveillance, insider trading, mass murder,‚Ķ

Report: Your Father Currently Typing ‚ÄėNaked Women‚Äô Into Yahoo Images Search Bar

JANESVILLE, IA‚ÄĒIndicating that this happens at least once a week, a report released Thursday confirmed that your father is currently typing the words ‚Äúnaked women‚ÄĚ into the Yahoo images search bar. According to sources, the man who raised you is, at this very moment, sitting in a darkened home office, using both‚Ķ

Onion Social CEO Appears Before Hague Tribunal To Be Tried For Crimes Against Humanity, Promote New Website Features

THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS‚ÄĒCalled before the International Criminal Court to address charges of breaching the Geneva Conventions as well as to publicize the game-changing innovations his website has recently introduced, Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum appeared before a Hague tribunal Thursday to be tried for crimes‚Ķ