Breaking NewsMan Dies After Being Pushed By Stranger Into Subway RestaurantNEW YORK—Becoming the latest victim in a string of similar incidents taking place near the fast food franchise, local man Brandon Turner reportedly died Wednesday after being pushed by a stranger into a Subway restaurant. “You could see the horror…
LocalUpdated Texas Sex Ed Curriculum Instructs Children How To Stone WhoresAUSTIN, TX—In an effort to provide students with everything they need to know about sexual development, sexual intercourse, and pregnancy, an updated sex ed curriculum instituted Wednesday across Texas instructed children how to stone whores. “The…
Breaking NewsQuiz: Can You Pass This Sex Ed Quiz In Post-Roe America?Test your fornication knowledge to see if you can pass a sexual education quiz in post-Roe America.
LocalFirst-Time Homebuyers Purchase Nice Starter DoorknobFINDLAY, OH—Calling it a great investment and an important step toward building long-term financial security, first-time homebuyers Adam and Celeste Conley told reporters Wednesday they had purchased a nice starter doorknob. “It’s nothing fancy, but…
PoliticsPoll: Majority Of Americans Don’t Trust Trump Or Biden To Watch Their Stuff While They’re In Bathroom
Breaking NewsThings To Never Say To A Steven Crowder FanIf you know someone who’s a fan of Louder With Crowder host and world-class husband Steven Crowder, here are the things you should never say to them.
LocalCTA Hoses Train Cars Down With Fresh PissCHICAGO—In an effort to boost confidence and improve the overall experience for commuters, the Chicago Transit Authority announced plans Tuesday to begin hosing train cars down with fresh piss. “We are proud to introduce a new initiative that will…
LocalPolice Feel Bad After Easily Solving Series Of Riddles Serial Killer Obviously Put A Lot Of Work Into
Breaking NewsTexts From Tucker Carlson That Got Him FiredText messages from Tucker Carlson set off a panic inside Fox News after their revelation, showcasing the former host’s private and often alarming innermost thoughts. Here, obtained by The Onion in an exclusive trove from an anonymous source, are the…
Breaking NewsChair Of Tim Scott Exploratory Committee Finds GOP Voters Have One Big Reservation But Doesn’t Want To Say It
BasketballLeBron James Credits Quick Injury Recovery To Crazed German Doctor Harnessing Power Of Lightning Atop Mountain Peak
