The Onion | America's Finest News Source.

Kyle Rittenhouse Sentenced To 45 Years Of CPAC Appearances

Most Insidious Ways Politicians Have Curtailed U.S. Voting Rights

The Onion’s Test Sweatshop Helps You Build The Perfect Home Office

Adele: A Career Timeline

Slideshow

Worst Arguments People Make Against Switching To Renewable Energy

Despite a concerted push by climate activists to phase out fossil fuels, many Americans—especially elected officials—remain hesitant. Here are the worst arguments people make against switching to renewable energy.

News In Brief

House Removes Paul Gosar From Anime And Manga Committee

News In Brief

Fannie Mae Issues Billions Of Mortgage-Backed NFTs

WASHINGTON—Calling it a no-risk investment guaranteed to appreciate in value over time, Fannie Mae officials announced Thursday that the lender had issued billions of Mortgage-backed NFTs. “This is as stable as they come, over the entire history of…

News In Brief

Walgreens Customer Really Pushing It With Amount Of Non-Medical Stuff She’s Bringing To Pharmacy Counter

CHICAGO—According to annoyed sources who saw the woman breeze past the long checkout line to the back of the store, a local Walgreens customer was really pushing it Thursday with regards to the amount of non-medical stuff she intended to buy at the…

News In Brief

‘I Said Do It,’ Barks Cheesecake Factory CEO As Hesitant Chefs Hold Whole Fried Chicken Over Bowl Of Chocolate Pudding

CALABASAS HILLS, CA—Rushing into action immediately upon seeing the first signs of hesitation, The Cheesecake Factory CEO David Overton angrily demanded a test kitchen chef dunk a whole fried chicken into a nearby bowl of chocolate pudding, sources…

News In Brief

Texas Bans Access To Tall Staircases In Case Women With Unwanted Pregnancies Get Any Ideas

Slideshow

Celebrity Chefs Share Their Favorite Thanksgiving Cooking Hacks

News In Brief

Exhausted Rockefeller Center Staff Decide To Take It Easy And Go With 3-Foot Artificial LED Christmas Tree This Year

News In Brief

Disney Acquires All Of America’s Children For $52 Billion

News In Brief

TikTok Helps Kidnapper Find Teen

News In Brief

Americans Assure Pentagon They Don’t Care Enough To Make Covering Up Drone Strikes Worthwhile

News In Brief

Treasury Special Ops Remove Money From Circulation By Sniping Dollar Bills Out Of Americans’ Hands

Local

Show all

News In Brief

Zoo Assures Public Escaped Leopard Will Kill Them Quickly

SAN DIEGO—In an effort to reduce fears and concerns about the loose jungle cat, the San Diego Zoo assured the public Friday that an escaped leopard would kill them quickly. “Rest assured that if you cross paths with this escaped leopard, you will be…

News In Brief

Man Concerned That Doctor Wants To Discuss Test Results At Morgue Rather Than Over Phone

News In Brief

Dollar Dangling From Fishing Line Sure Does Look Enticing

News In Brief

Teen’s Eyes Begin Glowing Red While Reciting Forbidden Knowledge From Book On Critical Race Theory

News In Brief

Virginians Who Watched Schools Taken Over By Sharia Law Refuse To Make Same Mistake With Critical Race Theory

Politics

Show all

News In Brief

Energized Chris Christie Ready For Next Chapter Of Humiliation

MENDHAM, NJ—Saying he was fired up and excited for the chance to debase himself on a bigger stage than ever, former New Jersey governor Chris Christie told reporters Monday that he was ready for the next chapter of his humiliation. “Look, I’ve been…

News In Brief

Despondent Congressman Gerrymanders Self Into Own Isolated District

News In Brief

Biden Social Spending Bill Whittled Down To $10 Billion Check To Joe Manchin

News In Brief

White House Urges Kamala Harris To Sit At Computer All Day In Case Emails Come Through

News In Brief

Andrew Yang Developing New Fourth Party After Failing To Gain Support With Third Party

Videos

Image for We Invited Logan Paul And BTS To Collab On A Video With Us And They Crashed Into Each Other On The Way Over

Kyle Rittenhouse Sentenced To 45 Years Of CPAC Appearances

Most Insidious Ways Politicians Have Curtailed U.S. Voting Rights

The Onion’s Test Sweatshop Helps You Build The Perfect Home Office

Adele: A Career Timeline

Worst Arguments People Make Against Switching To Renewable Energy

House Removes Paul Gosar From Anime And Manga Committee

Fannie Mae Issues Billions Of Mortgage-Backed NFTs

Walgreens Customer Really Pushing It With Amount Of Non-Medical Stuff She’s Bringing To Pharmacy Counter

‘I Said Do It,’ Barks Cheesecake Factory CEO As Hesitant Chefs Hold Whole Fried Chicken Over Bowl Of Chocolate Pudding

Texas Bans Access To Tall Staircases In Case Women With Unwanted Pregnancies Get Any Ideas

Celebrity Chefs Share Their Favorite Thanksgiving Cooking Hacks

Exhausted Rockefeller Center Staff Decide To Take It Easy And Go With 3-Foot Artificial LED Christmas Tree This Year

Disney Acquires All Of America’s Children For $52 Billion

TikTok Helps Kidnapper Find Teen

Americans Assure Pentagon They Don’t Care Enough To Make Covering Up Drone Strikes Worthwhile

Treasury Special Ops Remove Money From Circulation By Sniping Dollar Bills Out Of Americans’ Hands

Zoo Assures Public Escaped Leopard Will Kill Them Quickly

Man Concerned That Doctor Wants To Discuss Test Results At Morgue Rather Than Over Phone

Dollar Dangling From Fishing Line Sure Does Look Enticing

Teen’s Eyes Begin Glowing Red While Reciting Forbidden Knowledge From Book On Critical Race Theory

Virginians Who Watched Schools Taken Over By Sharia Law Refuse To Make Same Mistake With Critical Race Theory

Energized Chris Christie Ready For Next Chapter Of Humiliation

Despondent Congressman Gerrymanders Self Into Own Isolated District

Biden Social Spending Bill Whittled Down To $10 Billion Check To Joe Manchin

White House Urges Kamala Harris To Sit At Computer All Day In Case Emails Come Through

Andrew Yang Developing New Fourth Party After Failing To Gain Support With Third Party

Extremely Illegal Things You Actually Do Every Day

Comments That Can Actually Get You Fired From Work Immediately

Intrusive Thoughts That Are Actually Very Common

Ways To Apologize Without Saying Sorry

We Break Down Every Moment of The ‘Elden Ring’ Preview To Avoid A Conversation With Our Dad About End-Of-Life Care

Cut It Out: You Can Criticize King K. Rool’s Actions Without Resorting To Insulting His Weight

Time For The Talk, Young Gamers: Sex Is Like A Wonderful 2 Player Co-Op Game With Someone You Love

Here’s How To Score Your Free Xbox Series X Using Church’s Chicken 5-Piece Tenders Combo Promotion

We Invited Logan Paul And BTS To Collab On A Video With Us And They Crashed Into Each Other On The Way Over

al Lying In Sunbeam Could Be Depressed And You’d Never Know

Here's Why You're Wrong

Questions I Get Asked As The Main Suspect In A Homicide Case

Adele: A Career Timeline

We Invited Logan Paul And BTS To Collab On A Video With Us And They Crashed Into Each Other On The Way Over

Closer Than You Think? Scientists Say One Day Dropping Your Phone In The Toilet Could Also Recharge It

Celebrity Chefs Share Their Favorite Thanksgiving Cooking Hacks

Fan Helplessly Cries Out At Television To Warn Quarterback Of Unblocked Safety Blitzing Blindside

Top Free Agents Of The MLB Offseason

Billy Eppler Takes Mets GM Job To Get Closer To Son Mr. Met

Scottie Pippen Boasts He Would’ve Given Much Better Performance Than Jordan In ‘Space Jam’

House Censures Paul Gosar For Violent Video

‘QAnon Shaman’ Sentenced To 41 Months In Prison

Lakers’ Staples Center To Become Crypto.Com Arena In $700 Million Deal

Amazon Fined $500,000 For Concealing Covid Cases From Workers