U.S. Indicts 12 Russian Officials Who Will Be Indicted For 2018, 2020 Election Hacking
Man Keeps Having Same Experience Where He Shows Up To Work Naked
NEW YORK—Describing the occurrences as super realistic and disturbing, local man Brett DeMonte told reporters Friday that he keeps having the same experience where he shows up to work naked. “It’s the same situation every time: I get to the office, and when I look down, I realize that I’m standing completely…
Report: Modern-Day Pablo Escobar Smuggles One-Hitter Into Music Festival
CADOTT, WI—Passing utterly undetected through a complex cordon of bag checks, signage specifically prohibiting drug use, and three-second upper-body pat-downs by bored part-time security personnel, modern-day Pablo Escobar and mid-level systems analyst Patrick Quaid successfully smuggled a one-hitter containing 0.2…
Kavanaugh Nomination Falters After Washington Post Publishes Shocking Editorial Claiming He Forgot Daughter’s Piano Recital
WASHINGTON—In a move that experts believe could upend the confirmation of President Trump’s second Supreme Court justice, the nomination of Brett Kavanaugh had reportedly begun to falter Friday after The Washington Post published a shocking editorial claiming he neglected to attend his eldest daughter’s piano recital…
Buckingham Palace Guards Impressed By First Lady’s Ability To Never Crack Smile
LONDON—Saying the first lady’s skills were of the highest caliber he’d ever witnessed, Buckingham Palace guard Robert Addington told reporters Thursday that he was impressed by Melania Trump’s ability to never crack a smile on her visit to London. “There were all sorts of people waving in her face and yelling things…
Peter Strzok Summoned Before Congress Again For Texts Calling Trey Gowdy ‘A Pissy Little Shithead’
WASHINGTON—Following immediately on the heels of his hearing before the House Judiciary and Oversight committees, FBI agent Peter Strzok was again summoned to testify before Congress Thursday about texts calling Trey Gowdy a “pissy little shithead.” “Now what exactly did you mean when you said Trey Gowdy was a…
Papa John’s Removes N-Word From Menus
JEFFERSONTOWN, KY—Apologizing for its use of the racial epithet, president and CEO of Papa John’s Pizza Steve Ritchie announced Thursday that the company would be removing the N-word from all restaurant menus. “No matter the context, there is no place for that offensive word in our ‘Create Your Own Pizza’ section or…
Stressed-Out Paul Ryan Uses Cheat Day To Indulge In One Bipartisan Vote
WASHINGTON—Indulging his secret weakness for rule-breaking after months of toeing the unbreakable line of Republican politics as usual, Speaker of the House of Representatives Paul Ryan used his monthly cheat day to indulge in one single bipartisan vote. “God, it feels so naughty—it really is naughty—but after weeks…
Love On A Budget
Girl, you know I would do whatever it takes to make all your fantasies come true. I would cross a continent. I would cross an ocean. I would even tunnel to the center of the Earth just so I could find that one perfect gemstone, lobster, or ball of lava that would turn an ordinary night into an evening of ultimate…
Tearful Trump Admits NATO Alliance Closest Thing To Friendship He’s Ever Had
BRUSSELS—Suddenly overcome by a swell of emotion while rebuking the other members for their unwillingness to share the burden of mutual security obligations, a tearful President Trump admitted Wednesday to his fellow world leaders that the NATO alliance is the closest thing to friendship he’s ever had. “I’m sorry to…
Trump Demands NATO Allies Match U.S. Commitment To Prioritizing Military Spending Over Healthcare
BRUSSELS—Blasting member states for failing to contribute their “fair share,” President Trump demanded at a summit meeting Wednesday that NATO allies match the U.S. commitment to making military spending a far greater national priority than healthcare. “In the United States, we’ve gone above and beyond to make sure…
