The Onion | America's Finest News Source.

How The American Diet Has Changed Over Time

The American diet, often criticized for its unhealthiness, has changed significantly over the course of the nation’s existence due to technological breakthroughs, scientific research, and lifestyle developments. The Onion takes a look at how the…

New Clinic Provides Drug Users With Free Scolding

DAYTON, OH—In an effort to provide those suffering from substance-use disorder with the resources they need most, a drug clinic that opened its doors Tuesday in downtown Dayton confirmed it now provides drug users with free scolding. “This clinic…

Politics

Federal Government Announces They’ve Hidden Briefcase Full Of Slavery Reparations Somewhere In Continental U.S.

WASHINGTON—Rolling out a new initiative to provide the financial restitution long advocated for by the Black community, the federal government announced Tuesday that it had hidden a briefcase full of slavery reparations somewhere in the continental…

Opinion

Small Group Of Parents Explains Why They Are Responsible For 60% Of Book Bans

New App Connects Users Too Tired To Get Out Of Bed With Gig Worker Who Will Turn Off Their Lights

Ron DeSantis Announces He Will Live As Slave For One Year To Prove It Not Bad

Report: U.S. Economy Loses $5 Billion Every Year To Americans Rising For National Anthem

Watch

This Week's Most Viral News: September 29, 2023

00:33

Texas Launches Outreach Program To Provide Troubled Teens With Assault Rifles

00:35

Department Of Transportation Announces $1 Billion Investment In Horses

00:42

Biden Asks Americans To Come Sit By Him And Keep Him Company Until The End

00:26

Check These Out

Entertainment

New ‘Great British Baking Show’ Season Breaks Boundaries With First-Ever Yorkshire Pudding Contestant

54-Year-Old Facebook User Wins Nobel Prize For Own Extensive Internet Research Into Dangers Of Covid Vaccine

Local

Show all

Report: Sister Just Sitting On Boyfriend’s Lap Right There At Family Dinner

FERNDALE, CA—Trying to ignore the awkward display of affection being carried out between the two, 15-year-old Scott Barnard reported Friday that his sister Tabitha was just sitting on her boyfriend’s lap in front of the whole family during dinner.…

White Women Explain Why They Love Fall

What To Say To A Child If They Don’t Believe In God

Couple Pities Man Eating Alone Instead Of In Complete Silence With Person He Can’t Stand Anymore

Fire Department Installs No-Questions-Asked Baby Furnace Outside Station

Politics

Show all