Diplomatic Pete Buttigieg Quickly Changes Subject From Politics At Town Hall To Avoid Arguments

AMES, IA—Attempting to redirect the conversation to a more neutral topic that would prevent anyone from getting too worked up, a diplomatic Pete Buttigieg quickly changed the subject Wednesday when politics came up at a town hall event. “Hey, I get asked about political stuff all the time—let’s find something else to…

Self-Conscious Man Clearly The Only One In Japanese Restaurant Unsure How To Use Water Glass

SAN DIEGO—Mortified at his lack of familiarity with the seemingly mundane utensil, local diner Thad Jenkins succumbed to paralyzing self-consciousness Wednesday upon realizing that he was the only patron of Japanese restaurant Azuki Sushi who was unclear on the proper use of his water glass. “I kept sneaking little…

Boss Encourages Employees To Take Short Mental Breakdowns For Every Hour Of Work

NEW YORK—Emphasizing the company’s commitment to providing a sustainable work–life balance, Optech CEO Mark Billings told reporters Tuesday that he encourages employees to take short mental breakdowns for every hour of work. “Every 60 minutes, we want our staff to feel free to take a walk around the block for a quick…

Town Hall Audience Gives Amy Klobuchar Standing Ovation As She Lifts Chris Cuomo Up By Throat

GOFFSTOWN, NH—Erupting into frenzied applause as the Democratic presidential candidate began mercilessly choking the CNN town hall moderator with a single hand, a televised audience gave Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN) a standing ovation Monday night as she lifted Chris Cuomo into the air by his throat. “Her performance was…

Pete Buttigieg Releases Comprehensive List Of Fun Personality Quirks To Include In Articles About Him

SOUTH BEND, IN—Becoming the first 2020 presidential candidate to disclose his fondness for pepperoni pizza, jogging before sunrise, and episodes of The Wire, White House hopeful Pete Buttigieg released Tuesday a comprehensive list of fun personality quirks for reporters to include in articles about him. “I want to be…

Man Wearing Cobra Command Shirt Missed The Whole Point Of ‘G.I. Joe’

SUMTER, SC—Saying that he clearly learned all the wrong lessons from the classic animated programs, several people witnessing their coworker Aaron Rowe wearing a Cobra Command T-shirt Tuesday confirmed that he missed the whole point of G.I. Joe. “Dude, that’s not what the show’s about at all. It’s like he didn’t pay…

Unclear If Store Called ‘Casa Spazio’ Sells Leather Sofas Or Pizzas

CHICAGO—Saying that the sign out front offered no clear evidence as to the nature of the business, onlookers were reportedly unable to determine Tuesday whether a storefront bearing the name “Casa Spazio” belonged to an establishment that sold leather sofas or pizza. “It’s got a beautiful, ornate sign and big glass…

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