News in BriefTwo Buffalo Police Officers Suspended After Staining Clean Sidewalk With BloodBUFFALO, NY—After a video of the incident received national attention, Buffalo mayor Byron Brown confirmed Friday the suspension without pay of two policemen who were caught staining an otherwise spotless section of city sidewalk with blood. “I have…
News in Brief‘Light ’Em Up, Boys!’ Shouts Gun-Toting CDC Grunt After Hundreds Of Baby Coronaviruses Burst Out Of Pulsating NestNEW YORK—Muttering “mother of God” while shining a flashlight on the tunnel ceiling where the sticky substance he just stepped in seemed to be dripping from, gun-strapped CDC grunt Brock Lyndon reportedly yelled “Light ’em up, boys” Wednesday just…
News in BriefNYPD Officer Hopes Black Teen Only Coughing Because He Just Choked HimNEW YORK—Expressing concerns about contracting Covid-19 from the interaction, NYPD officer Bruce MacLeod confirmed Thursday that he hoped a local black teen was only coughing because he had just been choking him. “Oh God, please let that be a barely…
News in BriefProtestors Criticized For Looting Businesses Without Forming Private Equity Firm FirstMINNEAPOLIS—Calling for a more measured way to express opposition to police brutality, critics slammed demonstrators Thursday for recklessly looting businesses without forming a private equity firm first. “Look, we all have the right to protest, but…
News in BriefMark Zuckerberg Announces Virtual Roundtable With American Hate Groups To Better Understand How They Work
News in BriefOakland Athletics Stadium Immediately Converted Into Condos After Team Misses Rent Payment
News in BriefDrew Brees Admits He Doesn’t Trust Black People Ever Since Falcons Linebacker Stole Football Straight Out Of His Hands
News in BriefRepublican Leaders Claim New Yorkers Will Greet U.S. Military As LiberatorsWASHINGTON—In response to continued unrest in the devastated region, Republican leaders reportedly claimed Thursday that New Yorkers would greet the United States military as liberators. “We have every reason to believe that the people of New York…
News in Brief‘I Will Not Be Censored,’ Yells Trump Chaining Himself To Phone Displaying Twitter Homepage
News in BriefBiden Campaign Fundraising Email Reminds Donors Sexual Assault Allegations Don’t Bury Themselves
News in BriefWoman Needs To Shut Up And Allow Man To Be AllyBOULDER, CO—Expressing frustration that she routinely wouldn’t allow him to finish his point without cutting him off, local graphic designer Julian Serra told reporters Friday there were times when his coworker Ericka Lerado really needed to just…
NewsMajor Relief: Blizzard Has Announced That ‘Overwatch’ Players Will Be Able To Carry Over Their Unlocked Skins And Emotes Into The Afterlife
NewsInspiring: CD Projekt Red To Immortalize Programmers Who Died Making ‘Cyberpunk 2077’ As NPCs So They Can Serve CD Projekt Forever
Sports News In BriefRoger Goodell Insists Martin Luther King Jr. Would Have Wanted 17-Game Football Season In Front Of Full Stadiums
Sports News In BriefAdam Silver Shows Solidarity With Players By Inserting Self As Milwaukee Bucks Point Guard
