Study Suggests Onion Social Notifications 300 Times More Satisfying To Receive Than Facebook Notifications

EUGENE, OR—Explaining that the alerts induce an unparalleled sense of euphoric bliss, a new study conducted by the University of Oregon Department of Psychology found that Onion Social notifications are 300 times more satisfying to receive than notifications from Facebook. “Using sophisticated neuroimaging techniques,…

Ovechkin Hopes To Inspire Other Athletes To Power Through Month-Long Bender

WASHINGTON—Saying the drunken exploits he managed to pull off following his first Stanley Cup victory could serve as encouragement to others, Alexander Ovechkin told reporters Tuesday he hopes to inspire athletes to successfully power through their own month-long binge-drinking sprees. “Hopefully, I can help motivate…

'B.J. Novak Comes To My House Every Morning At 5 A.M. Wearing A Big Chef’s Hat': 5 Questions With Mindy Kaling

Mindy Kaling’s career has only continued skyrocketing since she finished her stint writing for and co-starring in ‘The Office.’ From her eponymous TV show to roles in blockbusters like ‘A Wrinkle In Time’ and ‘Ocean’s 8' this year, Kaling’s career shows no sign of slowing down. We sat down with the writer, director,…

Stephen Miller Furious At ProPublica For Only Releasing 7-Minute Recording Of Immigrant Children Sobbing

WASHINGTON—Claiming that the publication of such a brief, tantalizing bit of audio was a breach of their journalistic responsibility, a furious Stephen Miller told reporters Tuesday that he was outraged at ProPublica for only releasing seven minutes of immigrant children sobbing. “It’s unacceptable that this so-called…

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Fuck Fuck Fuck: We Promised Waaay Too Much Integration To Pepperidge Farm In This Article About A Boy Dying Of Cancer Raising Money For Other Sick Children

Oh shit. Oh fuck. We did a bad thing. ClickHole made a big, lucrative sponsored content deal with Pepperidge Farm, but we got too greedy and we promised them a shitload of brand integration in this article about a boy who was dying of cancer and spent his last days raising money for other sick children. Please forgive…

Netflix Defends ‘Queer Eye’ Episode Where The Fab Five Forced To Euthanize Completely Hopeless Slob

LOS GATOS, CA—Insisting that the controversial episode served as a stirring reminder of the importance of self-improvement, Netflix representative Tina Komal spoke in defense of a recent episode of ‘Queer Eye’ wherein the the Fab Five were forced to euthanize a contestant who was a completely hopeless slob. “We…