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Most Terrifying Ways The Government Is Spying On You

Billionaires Explain Why Space Is The Next Frontier

Bride Edges Out Bartender To Rank As Fourth Most Beautiful Woman At Wedding

Editorial Cartoon: ‘Taken Leaf Of Her Senses’

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Things Nobody Tells You About College Debt

Taking a $200,000 loan may seem like a great idea, but it ends up that free money sometimes has a catch. Here are things that everyone wishes they knew before going into college debt.

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Signs You Definitely Smoke Too Much Weed

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Remington Introduces Ammunition For Sensitive Skin

MADISON, NC—Noting that the new formula provides immediate relief to those prone to dry skin, itchiness, or rashes, weapons manufacturer Remington announced a new line of ammunition Friday made for sensitive skin. “Our new ammunition ensures that…

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Megan Fox Worried Machine Gun Kelly Only With Her To Meet Transformers

LOS ANGELES—Plagued by thoughts that her new boyfriend might be using her, Megan Fox confirmed Thursday that she was worried Machine Gun Kelly was only with her to meet the Transformers. “He says he loves me, but it’s hard to feel secure when he…

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Similac Introduces New Ghost Pepper Infant Formula

CHICAGO—Touting the new product as a nourishing and blazing-hot way to give newborns their daily nutrients, Similac introduced a new ghost pepper infant formula this week. “Our new formula contains 70% of a growing baby’s daily nutrients plus a…

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‘The Onion’ Accidentally Sent Our Sex Columnist To Interview The Pope

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NASA Lights Astronauts On Fire In Order To Simulate Life On Venus

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Intergalactic Animal Rights Groups Condemn Use Of Brutal, Unsanitary Planet To Raise Human Meat

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White House Warns Supply Chain Shortages Could Lead Americans To Discover True Meaning Of Christmas

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Southwest Still Experiencing Delays After Not Enough People Believe In Power Of Flight To Get Plane To Take Off

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Post-Pandemic Cinema-Goers’ Eyes, Ears Rupture As Senses Overwhelmed By Theater Experience

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Worst Things You Can Say To Your Child's Teacher

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Signs You Are About To Get Fired

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Woman In Giddy Honeymoon Stage Of Hating Someone New

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No-Kill Shelter Can’t Promise There Won’t Be, Shall We Say, Unfortunate Accidents

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Sister-In-Law Sources Reveal ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ Still Running

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Unadorned Chevy Silverado Driven By Town Comptroller Somehow Makes Cut as Parade Float

Politics

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Nation Doesn’t Understand How Someone As Cool As Kyrsten Sinema Could Fight For Corporate Interests

TUCSON, AZ—Stating it “just didn’t add up,” the U.S. populace told reporters Wednesday that they didn’t understand how someone as cool as Kyrsten Sinema could fight for corporate interests. “She’s really someone who has it all—a winning…