Breaking NewsWhat Alex Jones Spent Money On While Claiming To Be BankruptCourt filings revealed that Alex Jones splurged on luxury items and a lavish lifestyle despite owing $1.5 billion to the families of Sandy Hook school shooting victims. The Onion examines what Alex Jones spent money on while claiming to be bankrupt.
LocalMan Locks Down Marriage Proposal Just As Hair Loss Becomes NoticeableGATLINBURG, TN—Having assessed the evidence in the couple’s wedding photos, sources reported Monday that local man Kevin Butryn appeared to have locked down his marriage proposal to wife Sandra Lewis just as his hair loss was becoming noticeable.…
LocalWildly Flailing Tree Clearly Exaggerating Reaction To BreezeKANSAS CITY, MO—Rolling their eyes as the tulip poplar they sat beneath began to rustle Monday, local witnesses reported that a wildly flailing tree was exaggerating its reaction to what was nothing more than a gentle breeze. “Ugh, can you believe…
PoliticsDNC Concerned After Poll Shows Only 15% Of Americans Have Heard Name Joe BidenWASHINGTON—Spelling trouble ahead of the 2024 election, Democratic National Committee officials were reportedly concerned Monday after a new poll showed that only 15% of Americans have heard of the name Joe Biden. “A full 85% of American voters just…
PoliticsSnickering Teen Angels Appear Before Mike Pence To Tell Him It’s Totally God’s Will To Keep Running For President
LocalCouple Ends Mutual Silent Treatment To Bond Over Disdain For Arrogant ‘Chopped’ ContestantSPOKANE, WA—No longer able to suppress their percolating irritation with the self-described “culinary prodigy,” local couple Kevin Cochran and Tina Hayes reportedly ended their mutual silent treatment Thursday to bond over their shared disdain for…
PoliticsZelensky Grabs Whatever Office Supplies He Can Get Hands On In Capitol, Saying He Needs It For WarWASHINGTON—Following hours of meetings with lawmakers to try to shore up U.S. support for his country, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky reportedly grabbed whatever office supplies he could get his hands on in the Capitol Thursday, saying he…
Breaking NewsStudy Finds Drinking Children’s Blood No More Effective Than Regular Blood At Achieving Eternal Life
Breaking NewsCancer Researchers Tout Huge Strides In Fight Against 350-Foot-Tall Tumor Terrorizing Manhattan
EntertainmentBill Maher Returns To Show Over Fears Aging Fan Base Will Die Off Before Writers’ Strike Ends
