SlideshowTwitter Employees React To Getting Laid OffSince purchasing Twitter for $44 billion, Elon Musk has reportedly attempted to cut costs by eliminating some 3,700 jobs. The Onion asked several former employees how they felt about being laid off, and this is what they said.
News In BriefStudy Finds Majority Of Americans Die Within Same Trash Compactor They Were Born IntoWASHINGTON—In a new study that leading economists have called a sobering assessment of social mobility in the United States, researchers at the Brookings Institution have determined the majority of the nation’s residents end up dying within the same…
News In BriefParents At Zoo Shield Children’s Eyes From Gorillas Having Public ExecutionSAN DIEGO—Gasping as they noticed their son and daughter pointing and screaming at the San Diego Zoo’s primate exhibit, local parents Janet and Chris Stenton reportedly shielded their children’s eyes Friday from a group of gorillas carrying out a…
SlideshowOnion Sports’ NFL Week 10 PicksOnion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week 10 games.
News In BriefU.S. Pledges To Reduce Reliance On Energy Siphoned From Unconscious Americans Living In Simulation
RoundtableShould Joe Biden Run Again?As the oldest commander-in-chief in the history of our republic, the current president’s age demands a vigorous discussion to settle the question: Should President Joseph R. Biden run again?
SlideshowBiggest Winners And Losers From The Midterm ElectionsFollowing a number of critical races that will determine the future of the country, The Onion examines the biggest winners and losers from the midterm elections.
News In Brief‘Call Of Duty’ Adds Premium Skin Only Available To Players Who Kill Someone In Real Life
News In BriefClueless Commuters Walk Past World-Famous Subway Masturbator Without RealizingNEW YORK—Ignoring what they apparently dismissed as just an ordinary, unassuming man with his pants around his ankles, dozens of clueless Manhattan commuters walked past the world-famous subway masturbator James Bosley without even realizing who he…
News In BriefBeto O’Rourke Asks Advisors If Getting Paralyzed By Tree Would Help 2026 Election ChancesAUSTIN, TX—Reeling in the wake of a difficult loss in the Texas gubernatorial race, Democratic candidate Beto O’Rourke reportedly asked his advisors Wednesday if getting paralyzed by a tree might help his 2026 election chances. “Look, we’ve got to…
News In BriefVictorious Senator Vows To Still Fight For Billionaires Who Didn’t Funnel Dark Money Into Campaign
News In BriefObama Claims He’s Still President After Seeing How Susceptible Voters Are To Conspiracy Theories
SlideshowMost Brilliant Ways Elon Musk Plans To Make Twitter ProfitableElon Musk may have taken on $13 billion in debt to buy Twitter, but with his unparalleled brilliance, he’ll earn it back in no time. Here are the most genius ways Elon Musk will make the social media platform profitable.
SlideshowParents Explain How Affirmative Action Has Destroyed Their Children’s FutureWith policies to help improve employment or educational opportunities for underrepresented groups coming under fire, The Onion asked parents to explain how affirmative action has destroyed their children’s future.
RoundtableDo Your Worst To Me, But I’ll Never Tell You Bastards Whether I Think Biden Should Run In 2024
MagazineThey Said A Rock Could Never Have A Tasty Little Guy Inside: How Oysters Proved Everyone Wrong
SlideshowOnion Sports’ NFL Week 10 PicksOnion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week 10 games.
