Man Who Spent Last 2 Years Drawing Pictures Of Trump And Putin Making Out Beginning To Realize Just How Wrong He’s Been

BOULDER, CO—Admitting he now felt “a bit foolish,” 34-year-old local artist Austin Vermillion was reportedly beginning to realize Monday just how wrong he’s been after spending the last two years drawing pictures of Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin making out. “In light of the release of the Attorney General’s summary…

William Barr Declares Mueller Investigation Fully Exonerates Members Of Reagan Administration From Iran-Contra Involvement

WASHINGTON—Following the completion of the special counsel’s 22-month probe, Attorney General William P. Barr declared Monday that Robert Mueller’s investigation fully exonerates all members of Ronald Reagan’s presidential administration from involvement in the Iran–Contra affair. “I’ve reviewed Mr. Mueller’s findings…

Retiring Rob Gronkowski Admits He’ll Miss Teammates’ Blurry Faces, Fans Spinning Perpetually In The Stands

FOXBORO, MA—In an emotional speech announcing his retirement after a nine-year NFL career with the New England Patriots, Rob Gronkowski reportedly admitted Monday that he’ll miss his teammates’ blurry faces and the fans spinning perpetually in the stands. “It’s really hard to know that I’ll never again stumble off the…

Lazy Man Waiting For Spark Of Inspiration To Finally Get Started On Masturbating

TOLEDO, OH—Delaying his usual afternoon session until such time as he felt genuine creative purpose, local man Andy Conrad decided to wait for a spark of inspiration before getting started on his masturbating. “I’ve been putting it off for most of the day because I really need to be in the right state of mind,” said…

‘Apex Legends’ Players Finally Getting Good Enough To Make Game Impossible For Average People To Enjoy

BRANFORD, CT—After countless hours memorizing the map, familiarizing themselves with the various weapons, and refining tactics for all character mixes, the skill of top Apex Legends players reached the point this week where the game is impossible for average people to enjoy. “It’s really gratifying that I’m good…

Study Reveals That Girls Who Play Princess Grow Up With Skewed Perceptions Of The Role Of Modern Monarchy In A Democratic Society

NEW YORK—Shedding new light on the environmental factors influencing women’s views of royal privilege and responsibility, a study released Friday by New York University’s Department of Psychology found that the majority of girls who play princess develop skewed and possibly unrealistic perceptions of the role of the…

Zion Williamson In Panic After Realizing Game Falls On Same Night As Theater Club Production

COLUMBIA, SC—Frantically pacing and weighing the fallout of skipping the game, Duke forward Zion Williamson was panicking Friday after realizing his NCAA tournament game against North Dakota State falls on the same night as his theater club’s production of In The Heights. “Oh man, oh man, I can’t believe this is…

Trump Ramps Up Attacks On John McCain By Dragging Senator’s Exhumed Corpse Behind Motorcade

WASHINGTON—Doubling down on his criticism of the departed lawmaker in the face of bipartisan condemnation, President Trump ramped up his attacks Thursday against the late John McCain by exhuming the senator’s corpse and dragging it behind his presidential motorcade. “I’m having some trouble understanding the strategy…

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