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Small Group Of Parents Explains Why They Are Responsible For 60% Of Book Bans

After analyzing over 1,000 attempted book bans filed in 37 states, a new study found that the majority were initiated by an extremely small and extremely vocal group of individuals. The Onion asked these individuals why they work so hard to ban…

Politics

Federal Government Announces They’ve Hidden Briefcase Full Of Slavery Reparations Somewhere In Continental U.S.

Breaking News

New App Connects Users Too Tired To Get Out Of Bed With Gig Worker Who Will Turn Off Their Lights

SAN FRANCISCO—Touting the on-demand service as a great convenience for anyone who finds themselves exhausted at the end of a long day, a widely hyped new startup unveiled an app Tuesday that connects users who are too tired to get out of bed with a…

Breaking News

Report: U.S. Economy Loses $5 Billion Every Year To Americans Rising For National Anthem

WASHINGTON—Concluding that the patriotic gesture was a significant drain on the country’s resources, a new report out Monday from researchers at Georgetown University found that the U.S. economy loses $5 billion every year to Americans rising for…

Breaking News

54-Year-Old Facebook User Wins Nobel Prize For Own Extensive Internet Research Into Dangers Of Covid Vaccine

STOCKHOLM—Lauding the man as one of the greatest minds working in medicine today, the Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences reportedly awarded 54-year-old Facebook user Darren Weston the Nobel Prize Monday for his own extensive internet research into…

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This Week's Most Viral News: September 29, 2023

Ron DeSantis Announces He Will Live As Slave For One Year To Prove It Not Bad

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Report: Sister Just Sitting On Boyfriend’s Lap Right There At Family Dinner

FERNDALE, CA—Trying to ignore the awkward display of affection being carried out between the two, 15-year-old Scott Barnard reported Friday that his sister Tabitha was just sitting on her boyfriend’s lap in front of the whole family during dinner.…

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WASHINGTON—Having been alive as far back as 1933, Sen. Dianne Feinstein of California, a trailblazer in being old, died Thursday night at age 90. “Sen. Feinstein, born Dianne Goldman, started off young but through hard work and dedication rose…

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Small Group Of Parents Explains Why They Are Responsible For 60% Of Book Bans

Federal Government Announces They’ve Hidden Briefcase Full Of Slavery Reparations Somewhere In Continental U.S.

New App Connects Users Too Tired To Get Out Of Bed With Gig Worker Who Will Turn Off Their Lights

Report: U.S. Economy Loses $5 Billion Every Year To Americans Rising For National Anthem

54-Year-Old Facebook User Wins Nobel Prize For Own Extensive Internet Research Into Dangers Of Covid Vaccine

Sex Moves You Should Never Try To Copy From Porn

New ‘Great British Baking Show’ Season Breaks Boundaries With First-Ever Yorkshire Pudding Contestant

Grandma Scammed By Every Piece Of Technology In House

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Chiefs Fans React To Travis Kelce Dating Taylor Swift

Fox News Host Outraged By Viral Video Of Mob Of Thugs Using Coupons To Save Money

Wyoming Announces It Now Adults Only

ESPN’S ‘NFL Live’ Spends Full 10-Minute Segment Meticulously Breaking Down Player Running In A Straight Line For 3 Yards

Report: Sister Just Sitting On Boyfriend’s Lap Right There At Family Dinner

White Women Explain Why They Love Fall

What To Say To A Child If They Don’t Believe In God

Couple Pities Man Eating Alone Instead Of In Complete Silence With Person He Can’t Stand Anymore

Fire Department Installs No-Questions-Asked Baby Furnace Outside Station

Senator Dianne Feinstein, Trailblazer In Being Old, Dead At 90

Report: Government Shutdown Could Imperil Hundreds Of Americans Currently At Top Of Federally Funded Ferris Wheels

Snickering Teen Angels Appear Before Mike Pence To Tell Him It’s Totally God’s Will To Keep Running For President

Republicans Explain Why They Should Be Trump’s Running Mate

DNC Concerned After Poll Shows Only 15% Of Americans Have Heard Name Joe Biden

U.S. Mint Releases Collection Of Coins Featuring Child Molester From Every State

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‘The Onion’ Looks Back On 90 Years Of Dianne Feinstein Dying

Florida Students Reveal How ‘Don’t Say Gay’ Made Them Straight

Politicians Explain Why They Support Child Poverty

Harpies Bizarre

Signs Touting ‘Autoworkers For Trump’ At Michigan Rally Found To Be Fake

New ‘Great British Baking Show’ Season Breaks Boundaries With First-Ever Yorkshire Pudding Contestant

Generation Derek: Born Between 5:04 And 5:05 P.M. On April 9, 1980, Meet The Generation That’s Just One Guy

Björk Sells Music Catalog Rights To Forest Elf In Exchange For Enchanted Crystal Toad

Hayao Miyazaki Announces Return To Filmmaking After Big Time Screwup At New HVAC Installation Job

NFL Players Suspended For Violating DraftKings Terms Of Use

Free Agent Kyrie Irving Excited To Alienate All Potential Options

Vegas-Area Pawn Shop Celebrates Being 6 Weeks Away From Owning Stanley Cup

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