The TopicalThe Topical: Prison Guards Gun Down Inmate Trying To Escape Jail Through Transportive Power Of Reading
News in BriefTrump Administration Plants 137,000 Corpses In Fauci’s Bed To Frame Him For Coronavirus DeathsWASHINGTON—Placing an anonymous phone call to report a foul smell emitting from the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases director’s home, officials from the Trump administration reportedly planted 137,000 corpses in Anthony Fauci’s…
News in BriefReport: Carrying Around Boombox On Shoulder Still Coolest Thing Most Americans Can Imagine
News in BriefOrnithologists Attribute Owls’ Nocturnal Lifestyle To Hard Cocaine HabitBRUNSWICK, ME—Dispelling commonly held beliefs surrounding their unusual sleep habits, ornithologists at Bowdoin College released a groundbreaking new study Monday that attributed owls’ nocturnal lifestyle to their hard cocaine habit. “The reason…
News in BriefPhysicists Hail Major Breakthrough After Discovering Neutrinos Just Little Italian NeutronsCHICAGO—Confirming the search for the mysterious Godfather particle was finally over, physicists at the University of Chicago hailed what they call a major breakthrough Monday after discovering neutrinos are just little Italian neutrons. “We’ve long…
NewsGiant Burrito To Solve All Of Area Man’s Problems For 6 Precious MinutesGREENSBORO, NC—According to sources at a local Qdoba, 31-year-old advertising sales associate Anthony Gerrit is about to purchase an extra-large burrito that will completely resolve every concern, burden, and troublesome issue in his life for six…
News in Brief‘Hey, I Think You’re Muted,’ Man Tells Coworker Screaming ‘Fuck You, Fuck All Of You’ On Zoom Call
News in BriefDefeated Player Vows To Log Back Onto ‘League Of Legends’ Early Tomorrow Morning When Most Teens Haven’t Woken Up
News in BriefCongress Announces Willingness To Offer Black Lives Matter Protesters Holiday Or StatueWASHINGTON—Emphasizing the importance of taking concrete steps to address systemic racism and police brutality in the United States, Congress reportedly announced Monday their willingness to offer Black Lives Matter protesters a holiday or statue.…
News in BriefSelf-Loathing GOP Congressman Can’t Believe He’s Been Reduced To Defending Necessity Of Public Schools
News in BriefBiden Campaign Fundraising Email Reminds Donors Sexual Assault Allegations Don’t Bury Themselves
News in BriefCity Enters Phase 4 Of Pretending Coronavirus OverDALLAS—Saying the city remained on track for progressing into the final stage, Mayor Eric Johnson told Dallas residents Friday that they would soon officially be entering Phase 4 of pretending the coronavirus was over. “Thanks to the efforts of…
NewsDeal Alert: An Advance Copy Of ‘Cyberpunk 2077’ Is Sitting On The Tracks And The Train Is Still A Good 50 Yards Away
NewsCome On: Someone Just Spray-Painted ‘Gamers Rule’ On The Taj Mahal And, While We Generally Agree, It’s Pretty Messed Up To Deface A Cultural Landmark
News In PhotosOminous Musical Cue Clarifies Audience Supposed To Be Frightened Of Blood-Splattered Man With Pickaxe
News in BriefEconomist Has Great Idea For Sitcom Where Keynesian And Friedmanite Have To Live Together
Sports News In BriefCDC Guidelines Say It’s Safe To Play Tennis If That’s Honestly How You Want To Spend Your Free Time
Sports News In BriefCam Newton Scrambling To Get Up To Speed After Patriots Send Him Playbook Of Every NFL Team
