Family Figures Grandpa Never Talks About WWII Because Nothing Interesting Happened To Him

ATHENS, OH—Responding to their grandfather’s longtime silence on the subject, the family of World War II veteran Thomas Withers told reporters Monday that they figured the reason he never talked about serving was probably because nothing interesting happened to him. “Grandpa never discusses being stationed in…

Friends Excitedly Gather Around Man’s Phone To Watch Shaky Footage Of Concert

CHICAGO—Exclaiming and pushing past each other as they jockeyed for a clear view of the screen, friends of local man Carl Michaels excitedly gathered around his phone Monday to watch the shaky footage he had recorded of a recent Mt. Joy concert. “Whoa, the audio is so distorted that you can barely even make out what…

Trump Hacks Through Thick Central American Jungle In Search Of Entirely New Ethnic Group To Demonize

TALAMANCAN MONTANE FORESTS, COSTA RICA—Venturing deep into rainforest no outsider has dared explore, President Trump slashed through the thick vines of a Central American jungle Monday in search of a previously unknown ethnic group to vilify. “Legend has it that this land is home to a lost race of people living in…

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