LOS ANGELES—Shedding considerable light on the acclaimed fantasy epic’s long-awaited conclusion, HBO released a new Game Of Thrones trailer Tuesday revealing that the show’s final season will be cobbled together from old footage. “We’re excited to confirm that the final season will focus on previously aired scenes…
FAIRFAX, VA—Citing its longtime commitment to the promotion of safety among firearm enthusiasts, the National Rifle Association published a series of pointers Tuesday on how to keep safe while carrying out a mass shooting. “Every gun owner should know the NRA’s fundamental safety rules so they can avoid being tackled…
NEW YORK—Championing the decision as a necessary step to make the “Big Apple” more tech-friendly, New York City mayor Bill de Blasio announced Tuesday that the subway is just for Amazon employees now. “All 8.6 million New York City residents not employed by Amazon or an Amazon subsidiary are prohibited from using MTA…
WASHINGTON—Challenging any insinuation that he would ever say anything of the kind, Representative Steve King (R-IA) vehemently denied Tuesday comparing immigrants to people. “I would never, under any circumstances, say something so despicable,” said King, who was recently elected to his ninth congressional term,…
A new poll reveals support for Democrats impeaching Trump is tepid, with half of voters saying they oppose the possibility and only 31 percent supporting it. What do you think?
CHAPPAQUA, NY—In a press conference announcing her plans for the 2020 election, Hillary Clinton told reporters she is launching a campaign Tuesday that will raise $100 million by the end of the year or else she will run for president. “I’m very excited to roll out my initiative to secure this full amount within seven…
WASHINGTON—In a statement marking a reversal of opinion on a previously maligned narcotic stimulant, United States surgeon general Dr. Jerome Adams confirmed Tuesday that occasionally indulging in a bit of blow here and there would not, in fact, kill you. “While it should go without saying that the surgeon general’s…
WASHINGTON—Praising them in a memorial ceremony for all the sacrifices they had made, President Donald Trump reportedly delivered a touching tribute Tuesday to the fallen heroes of WWE. “Let us never forget how WWE continues to affect all of us, and how these brave men dedicated their lives to wrestling for their…
More money was spent in the 2018 election cycle than any previous midterm cycle. What do you think?
STANFORD, CA—Based on a compilation of data revealing their jealousy and negativity loud and clear, relationship experts confirmed Tuesday that “He’s not right for you,” because they must not want to see you happy. “Our extensive study shows that you might be better off with someone else,” read a summary of the…
Voters in Michigan passed a measure Tuesday legalizing pot sales, while Utah and Missouri added themselves to the growing roster of 33 states where medical marijuana is legal. What do you think?
LOS ANGELES—Citing her can-do spirit, belief in her own talents, and considerable trust fund, aspiring screenwriter and playwright Dasha Rothwell confirmed Monday that she was confident she had the safety net it would take to achieve her dreams. “I truly feel I have what it takes to pursue my creative and personal…
Stressing that Europe could no longer depend on the U.S. for protection, French president Emmanuel Macron called for a trans-European army amongst EU member states. What do you think?
SOUTH BEND, IN—Noting that students felt increasingly ambivalent about assuming celestial roles, researchers at the University of Notre Dame published a study Monday that revealed only 20 percent of seminary school graduates go on to become God. “Most students decide right before the graduation ceremony that they…
ATHENS, OH—Responding to their grandfather’s longtime silence on the subject, the family of World War II veteran Thomas Withers told reporters Monday that they figured the reason he never talked about serving was probably because nothing interesting happened to him. “Grandpa never discusses being stationed in…
WASHINGTON—Confirming that the federal government was taking swift action to help those suffering in California, FEMA officials assured wildfire victims Monday that a bucket brigade is nearly over the Maryland state line. “The FEMA emergency response team is currently standing shoulder to shoulder in a line stretching…
