SlideshowHow To Tell Your Mom You’re Not Coming Home For The HolidaysTraveling during this time of the year is always challenging. The Onion provides practical advice for how to tell your mom that you’re not coming home for the holidays.
Local‘It’s Going To Be A White Christmas!’ Says Man Who Will Spend Holiday Trapped In Overturned CarFINDLAY, OH—Clapping his hands with giddy excitement for the first big snow storm of the season, local man James Francis, who has no idea he will spend the holiday trapped in an overturned car, told reporters he is excited to have a white Christmas.…
LocalMan Peels Price Tag Off Gift For DogOLYMPIA, WA—Sneaking it out of the bag without rustling the plastic, local man Nick Juarez reportedly peeled the price tag off of a gift Friday before giving it to his dog. “I don’t want him to know how much I spent,” said Juarez, struggling to…
PoliticsU.S. Treasury Introduces New Wild Bills That Can Be Used For Any Dollar AmountWASHINGTON—Touting the currency denomination’s ability to up the stakes of any financial transaction, the U.S. Treasury introduced new wild bills Friday that could be used for any dollar amount. “Starting today, the U.S. Treasury will release…
Breaking NewsPotential Candidates To Replace Elon Musk As Twitter CEOElon Musk recently posted a poll asking if he should step down as Twitter’s CEO and vowed to abide by the results. With users voting for Musk to relinquish the role, The Onion examines potential candidates to replace him.
LocalMost Common Issues Men Bring Up In TherapyThough it’s excessively rare, men do actually sometimes recognize that they have emotional issues and then seek to rectify them. When men attend therapy, here are the most common issues they bring up.
LocalDrill Sergeant Struggling To Communicate That New Recruits Are, In Fact, The Worst He’s Ever Seen
Politics‘They Hate Me–They Hate Me Because I’m Fat,’ Says Sobbing Biden Viewing Latest Approval RatingsWASHINGTON—Turning from side to side in front of the mirror and slapping his belly, President Joe Biden was reportedly sobbing Tuesday, stating, “They hate me—they hate me because I’m fat,” after viewing his latest polling numbers. “No wonder my…
SlideshowWhat To Say If Your Boss Asks You To Work On ChristmasIf America is going to be a Christian nation, you sure as hell better get the day off. Here’s what to tell your boss if they ask you to work on Christmas day.
Now playing 01:11TikTokPlease Stop Watching Me Bake These Macarons, It Makes Me Self-Conscious And I Can’t Concentrate
BasketballMichael Jordan Opens Up About Long-Term Effects Of Orange Gatorade Seeping Out Of HeadJUPITER ISLAND, FL—Shedding light on a condition he’s been quietly struggling with since the ’90s, basketball legend Michael Jordan opened up Thursday about the long-term effects of orange Gatorade seeping out of his head. “Back in my playing days,…
