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Common Lies Parents Tell Their Children All The Time

Starbucks Orders Baristas Hate The Most And Why

The Onion’s Guide To CRISPR

Taco Bell Testing Monthly Subscription Service

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Common Types Of Dreams And What They Actually Mean

Dreams you are falling are very common and mean that even in your sleep, where there are no limits to the imagination, you are an unoriginal hack.

News In Brief

Study Finds Virus Frequently Fooled By Fake Vaccine Card

News In Brief

Study: 86% Of Families Hoarse From Screaming By Time They Arrive At Outlet Mall

SCHAUMBURG, IL—Concluding that it didn’t matter whether the car ride was five minutes down the block or 30 minutes down the highway, a new study published Thursday in The Journal Of The American Medical Association found that 86% of families were…

News In Brief

New Madden ‘Owner Mode’ Allows Players To Customize Concussion Study Findings

REDWOOD CITY, CA—Touting it as the most realistic update to their long running “Franchise Mode,” EA Sports revealed Friday that the new “Owner Mode” options in Madden 22 allow players to customize the findings of their own concussion studies. “Not…

News

Something To Consider, ‘Earthbound’ Fans: It Appears Peaceful Means Of Bringing About An ‘Earthbound’ Rerelease Have Failed You Yet Again

Well, well, well, JRPG fans. Look where we find ourselves yet again. For years, you’ve tried to get Nintendo to re-release Earthbound, and, once more, they’ve callously spurned your pleas without a second thought. Time and again, your peaceful…

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Tucker Carlson Announces He Putting Life On Line By Getting Booster Shot For Investigation Into Covid Vaccine

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Taliban Overtakes Lower Manhattan Days After Biden Administration Leaves NYC 9/11 Commemoration

News In Brief

Geneticists Develop Hybrid Creature From Whatever Scraps Of DNA Lying Around Lab

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Poll Finds Most Americans Would Swap Democracy For $100 Best Buy Gift Card

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Democrats Face New Hurdle After Republicans Gerrymander All Left-Leaning Voters Into Single House District

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Democrats Sick Of Being Blamed For Cowardice On Issues They Actually Just Don’t Care About

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Night-Shift Janitor Leaves Behind Brilliant Solution To Israeli–Palestinian Conflict On U.N. Chalkboard

Politics

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Poll Finds Most Americans Would Swap Democracy For $100 Best Buy Gift Card

WASHINGTON—According to the results of a new poll released Thursday by the Pew Research Center, the majority of Americans would swap democracy for a $100 Best Buy gift card. “Our research found that 72% of Americans would agree to give up all free…

Slideshow

Members Of Congress Who Tested Positive For Covid-19 And How They Got It

News In Brief

Joe Manchin Slammed For Stealing Spotlight From Other Democratic Senators Who Also Oppose Progressive Legislation

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Democrats Sick Of Being Blamed For Cowardice On Issues They Actually Just Don’t Care About

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Democrats Face New Hurdle After Republicans Gerrymander All Left-Leaning Voters Into Single House District

Local

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Gravedigger Quietly Hangs Out On Periphery Of Funeral To See If Anybody Compliments The Hole

CENTERVILLE, OH—Hoping to overhear a kind word from the assembled mourners, local gravedigger Derek Finnegan was reportedly hanging out on the periphery of a funeral Friday to see if anybody complimented his hole. “I’ll just linger a little longer…

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Horrified Anti-Vaxxer Discovers Every American Who Got Smallpox Vaccine In 19th Century Now Dead

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Report: It Time For Neighbor Kid To Go Home

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Man No One’s Looked Directly At In Weeks Concerned Everyone Can Tell He’s Balding

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Report: Researcher Has To Step Away For Minute But Feel Free To Grab Either Cookie Or Carrots

Videos

Common Lies Parents Tell Their Children All The Time

Starbucks Orders Baristas Hate The Most And Why

The Onion’s Guide To CRISPR

Taco Bell Testing Monthly Subscription Service

Common Types Of Dreams And What They Actually Mean

Study Finds Virus Frequently Fooled By Fake Vaccine Card

Study: 86% Of Families Hoarse From Screaming By Time They Arrive At Outlet Mall

New Madden ‘Owner Mode’ Allows Players To Customize Concussion Study Findings

Something To Consider, ‘Earthbound’ Fans: It Appears Peaceful Means Of Bringing About An ‘Earthbound’ Rerelease Have Failed You Yet Again

Tucker Carlson Announces He Putting Life On Line By Getting Booster Shot For Investigation Into Covid Vaccine

Taliban Overtakes Lower Manhattan Days After Biden Administration Leaves NYC 9/11 Commemoration

Geneticists Develop Hybrid Creature From Whatever Scraps Of DNA Lying Around Lab

Poll Finds Most Americans Would Swap Democracy For $100 Best Buy Gift Card

Democrats Face New Hurdle After Republicans Gerrymander All Left-Leaning Voters Into Single House District

Democrats Sick Of Being Blamed For Cowardice On Issues They Actually Just Don’t Care About

Night-Shift Janitor Leaves Behind Brilliant Solution To Israeli–Palestinian Conflict On U.N. Chalkboard

Poll Finds Most Americans Would Swap Democracy For $100 Best Buy Gift Card

Members Of Congress Who Tested Positive For Covid-19 And How They Got It

Joe Manchin Slammed For Stealing Spotlight From Other Democratic Senators Who Also Oppose Progressive Legislation

Democrats Sick Of Being Blamed For Cowardice On Issues They Actually Just Don’t Care About

Democrats Face New Hurdle After Republicans Gerrymander All Left-Leaning Voters Into Single House District

Gravedigger Quietly Hangs Out On Periphery Of Funeral To See If Anybody Compliments The Hole

Horrified Anti-Vaxxer Discovers Every American Who Got Smallpox Vaccine In 19th Century Now Dead

Report: It Time For Neighbor Kid To Go Home

Man No One’s Looked Directly At In Weeks Concerned Everyone Can Tell He’s Balding

Report: Researcher Has To Step Away For Minute But Feel Free To Grab Either Cookie Or Carrots

Signs It’s Time To Put Your Parents In A Nursing Home

What To Say When Someone Asks Why You Don’t Have Kids

Things Every Teacher Returning This Fall Is Dreading

Signs You Are Experiencing Ageism In The Workplace

Something To Consider, ‘Earthbound’ Fans: It Appears Peaceful Means Of Bringing About An ‘Earthbound’ Rerelease Have Failed You Yet Again

We Beat ‘Deathloop’ On The First Try; Sorry It Was Just Too Easy For Gamers Like Us

Tips For Getting Started With ‘Deathloop’

Congratulations! OGN Is Awarding You An Extra Hour Of Screen Time Tonight Because You Got Such Good Grades

QR Codes By The Numbers

War In Afghanistan By The Numbers

5 Things To Know About Ivermectin

Timeline Of Trump’s Efforts To Overturn The 2020 Election

Post-Credits Scene Hints That Fans Can Probably Skip Rest Of Marvel Movies

We Thought It Might Be Cool To Write A Whole Issue Using A Ouija Board But We Were Wrong, It Sucks, It’s Dogshit

Norm Macdonald Sent To Hell For Mocking God’s Friend O.J. Simpson

Band Really Busting Asses To Earn Local Concertgoer’s Head Nod

New Madden ‘Owner Mode’ Allows Players To Customize Concussion Study Findings

Al Michaels Confident He Would Completely Nail It If Player Died On Field

Lions Fan Displays Supernatural Ability To Determine Every Draft Pick A Bust

Charles Barkley Insists Modern Stars Would Not Score 10 Points A Game In Tougher 1400s NBA

One Out Of Every 500 Americans Have Died From Covid Since Beginning Of Pandemic

Taco Bell Testing Monthly Subscription Service

California Governor Gavin Newsom Survives Recall Vote

CRISPR Startup Looking To Bring Back Woolly Mammoth By 2027