LocalWhat To Say To Someone Who Is A Fan Of Joe RoganJoe Rogan is a podcaster and commentator who hosts the controversial Joe Rogan Experience, a show beloved by many on the far right. If you know someone who is a Joe Rogan fan, here are things you should absolutely say to them.
Breaking NewsEthical Diamond Company Only Uses White Children To MineNEW YORK—Emphasizing that they aimed to be as transparent about their sourcing as possible, executives at the ethical diamond company OutShine told reporters Wednesday they only used white children to mine. “As a modern, sustainable diamond company…
Breaking NewsU.S. Health Secretary Hopes No Ones Sees Her Take Quick Hit From Vape PenWASHINGTON—As she surreptitiously produced the device to obtain a much-needed dose of nicotine during a press conference Wednesday, sources confirmed U.S. Assistant Secretary for Health Rachel Levine hoped no one saw the quick hit she took from her…
LocalDry Humping At 16 Still Peak Of Man’s Abilities As Sexual PartnerINDIANAPOLIS—Signifying the absolute height of his prowess over the past four decades, dry humping at the age of 16 remained the peak of local man Ed Seldon’s abilities as a sexual partner, sources confirmed Wednesday. Several reports indicated that…
PoliticsAdam Schiff Seeks Diane Feinstein’s Endorsement By Playing Into Delusion He’s High School Sweetheart Who Died In WWII
Breaking NewsPentagon Confirms UFOs Just Regular Planes And Nation Just HighWASHINGTON—In an effort to offer the American people full transparency, Defense Department officials confirmed Monday that the unidentified flying objects shot down by the military were just regular planes, and the nation had just been really high.…
FootballChiefs Second Super Bowl Win Proves Anything Possible If You Don’t Trade Up To Draft Mitch Trubisky
LocalAmazon Echo Declares It Heard Everything And It’s Taking The KidsCHESAPEAKE, VA—Lying in wait as local parents Trent and Petra Winstrom entered their home and switched on the light, the Amazon Echo in their home reportedly informed them Tuesday that it heard everything and it’s taking the kids. “That’s right,…
LocalValentine’s Dinner Ruined After Boyfriend Overcooks Edible UnderwearCHICAGO—Rushing into the kitchen with shock after noticing the burnt candy odor, local man Tyler Suderman reportedly ruined Valentine’s Day dinner Tuesday after accidentally overcooking the edible underwear he had prepared for his girlfriend. “Oh…
PoliticsReport Finds Mark Kelly Just Person ActBlue Made UpSOMERVILLE, MA—In a bombshell report that has threatened to upend the entire fundraising arm of the Democratic party, investigators revealed Tuesday that Sen. Mark Kelly (D-AZ) was just someone that ActBlue made up. “Sadly, after a thorough…
Politics‘But The Scary Balloon Popped, So They Went Back To Worrying About The Recession Monster,’ Says Joe Biden, Reading Illustrated Children’s State Of The Union
LocalThings To Never Say To Someone With An OnlyFansOnlyFans is a popular online platform where creators can sell pornographic photos, videos, and other explicit content. If you know someone who is an OnlyFans user, here are things you should never say.
SlideshowConservatives Explain How Woke Culture Is Destroying AmericaAs the culture wars continue to escalate, many have cast the “woke mind virus” as public enemy No. 1. The Onion asked conservatives to explain how woke culture is destroying America, and this is what they said.
SportsNew FanDuel ‘Double Play’ Contest Offers Users Chance To Win Back HouseNEW YORK—Touting the new competition as perfect for anyone who wanted to continue placing bets after the NFL season ended, FanDuel unveiled a new “Double Play” contest Monday, offering users a chance to win back their house. “You may have made some…
FootballNick Sirianni Shows Why Andy Reid Was Right To Drop His Ass As Chiefs Wide Receivers Coach In 2012
FootballChiefs Second Super Bowl Win Proves Anything Possible If You Don’t Trade Up To Draft Mitch Trubisky
