Entertainment‘Oppenheimer’ Given Surprise R Rating For Title Character’s Near-Constant Full-Frontal NudityWASHINGTON—After it determined Christopher Nolan’s latest film was inappropriate for younger audiences, the Motion Picture Association gave Oppenheimer a surprising R rating Monday, citing the title character’s near-constant full-frontal nudity.…
Breaking NewsUnprepared Tim Cook Frantically Taping Battery To Pair Of Sunglasses For Apple EventCUPERTINO, CA—Muttering “Come on, come on” under his breath as he attempted to bind the two objects together, an unprepared Tim Cook was frantically taping a battery to a pair of sunglasses ahead of his keynote at the Apple Worldwide Developers…
Breaking NewsElizabeth Holmes Discovers Secret Of Theranos Technology Right As Prison Cell Door ClosesBRYAN, TX—Jumping up and down and shouting when the answer she’d spent years searching for finally came into focus, prison inmate Elizabeth Holmes reportedly discovered how to make the Theranos blood analyzer work last week at the exact moment the…
PoliticsPence Says Decision To Run For President Came After God Told Him He Could Get 6-Figure Speaking Deal From ItDES MOINES, IA—Speaking at a kickoff rally shortly after launching his candidacy, former Vice President Mike Pence told supporters Monday that his decision to run for president came after God convinced him he could get a six-figure speaking deal…
Breaking NewsTarget Scales Back Pride Section To Single T-Shirt Saying They’d Do A Threesome With A Girl For Their Boyfriend’s Birthday
LocalAirbnb Bill Includes Survival FeePASADENA, CA—Noting that his initial booking didn’t say anything about the additional charge, local man Patrick Reyes told reporters Friday he was annoyed when his Airbnb bill included a survival fee. “What the hell, they just charged me $129.99 out…
Local‘Who Knows What Future Generations Might Judge Us For?’ Says Man Abducting Another Child To Strangle In Basement
LocalWhite Conservative Parents Sit Children Down For Tough Conversation About Seeing Black Character In Movie
Breaking NewsJimmy Carter Wins Boxing Match Against Jake PaulATLANTA—The heavily anticipated fight between the former U.S. president and the YouTube personality ended in a TKO Thursday night as Jimmy Carter won his debut boxing match against Jake Paul. The cruiserweight match, first announced in early April,…
PoliticsEmbarrassed U.S. Excuses Itself From Asia Security Summit After Realizing America Not In Asia
PoliticsEmotional Tim Scott Tells Supporters About Time He Was Followed Around Walgreens For Being Republican
Breaking NewsChick-Fil-A DEI Initiative Replaces All Chicken With Copies Of ‘How To Be An Antiracist’
Breaking NewsInternet Divided Over Video Of Black Cop Shooting White Cop Who Was Choking Out Racist White Woman Who Called Police On Black Teenagers
Breaking NewsLockheed Martin Boosts Earnings Outlook Citing Billions Of Innocent People Still Left To Kill
Entertainment‘Oppenheimer’ Given Surprise R Rating For Title Character’s Near-Constant Full-Frontal Nudity