A recent poll found 84% of Americans support marijuana legalization in some form, with 42% of respondents saying that weed should be legal for any use and only 13% favoring prosecution for users or distributors. What do you think?
It has been nearly 82 years since marijuana was first officially banned as an illicit substance in the United States. Over that time, we have seen incredible changes across our nation. We have survived a world war and the Cold War, seen the sexual revolution and legalization of abortion, impeached a president, and…
After weeks of redactions from William Barr, Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s report on Russian interference in the 2016 election was released by the Justice Department on Thursday morning. What do you think?
A redacted version of Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation into potential collusion between the Trump presidential campaign and Russian agents to influence the 2016 election was released to the public on Thursday. Here are the biggest revelations from the Mueller report.
LONDON—Stunning fans of the royal family across the world with their decision to break from age-old traditions of monarchical lineage, unemployed couple Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced Friday that they plan to give up their soon-to-be-born baby for adoption. “It was a hard choice to make, but with both of us…
WASHINGTON—Insisting she was not culpable for the inexplicable contents of her spoken communications, White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders defiantly claimed Friday that she doesn’t know where the voice comes from when she opens her mouth. “Listen, I don’t control where these words come from, okay? When I…
WASHINGTON—Startled by the sudden appearance of the shadowy overcoat-clad figure, the U.S. populace was “completely spooked” after running into a creepy old night watchman late Thursday evening. “We thought if we avoided the lighthouse and cut through the woods out back of the old Palmer place we’d be okay, but he…
NEW YORK—Claiming the mobile payment app’s latest update will facilitate noticeably faster transactions, the developers of Venmo unveiled a new feature Friday that will allow users to send goons to collect outstanding payments. “This is definitely a fun, impactful new way to remind friends and family that they’re…
BEIJING—Boasting that their persistence had paid off and declaring that citizens may now return to lives free from constant monitoring, Chinese government officials announced Friday that they will immediately discontinue their comprehensive state-run surveillance program after finally catching that guy who drove into…
The recent departures of DHS secretary Kirstjen Nielsen and Secret Service director Randolph Alles have been the latest in the historically high turnover among top officials in the Trump administration. The Onion takes a look at the administration’s highest-profile departures during President Trump’s two-plus years in…
Following the dramatic fire that consumed Notre Dame’s iconic spire, French president Emmanuel Macron pledged to “rebuild Notre Dame even more beautifully” in five years. What do you think?
FOUNTAIN VALLEY, CA—Urging readers to “stay tuned” and follow along on its website for more, Boating World Magazine was providing live updates Thursday as its team of reporters read through the more than 400 pages of the Mueller report. “So far, we have not uncovered any breaking news within the report about…
After tirelessly poring over the Special Counsel’s recently released findings, The Onion can confidently report that our award-winning team of legal analysts have concluded their official count of how many pages are in the Mueller Report. The Onion has employed a rigorous, exhaustively thorough multi-stage process to…
LOS ANGELES—In a fiery and, at times, frenzied speech before a crowd of his most devoted followers, Neutrogena CEO Richard Harper announced plans Thursday for a campaign of worldwide cleansing, saying his company would never relent in its goal of attaining facial purity across the globe.
Days after the one-year anniversary of her Coachella set, Beyoncé has released Homecoming: The Live Album, an hour-and-a-half document of the critically acclaimed 2018 performance spanning tracks from her career. What do you think?
WASHINGTON—According to a conclusion reached by expert analysis Thursday, you are far too dumb to be reading Robert Mueller’s report on Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election yourself. “To put it bluntly, you are a moron, and as a moron, you lack the basic reading skills that would make looking at this…
PYONGYANG—In what appeared to be a more modest escalation of threats against the United States and its allies in the region, North Korea announced Thursday it had tested out a new knife, conducting a series of trial cuts with the weapon that state media described as “a great success.” “The Democratic People’s Republic…
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