Woman Trying To Wean Self Off Coffee By Switching To Long Island Iced Tea

LOS ANGELES—Saying that the reduction in her daily caffeine intake had markedly improved her overall mood and outlook, sales associate Sherri Packer, 32, said Monday that she has made notable progress weaning herself off coffee by switching to Long Island iced tea. “I didn’t realize how dependent on my Starbucks I had…

MLB Hoping To Boost Attendance At League Meetings With ‘Star Wars’ Night

LAS VEGAS—In an effort to generate more enthusiasm among owners and general managers for the sparsely attended event, Major League Baseball introduced announced a new “Star Wars Night” Monday to boost attendance at this year’s winter meetings. “In the past, we’ve had problems drawing a full crowd to these meetings, so…

White House Ficus To Leave For Virginia Arboretum After Declining Trump’s Offer To Be Chief Of Staff

WASHINGTON—As the Trump administration scrambles to find a replacement for outgoing advisor John Kelly, officials announced Monday that a high-level White House ficus would leave for the State Arboretum of Virginia after declining the president’s offer to be chief of staff. “The ficus has been honored to serve…

Bob Iger: At Disney, We Live Every Day In Terror That You’ll Turn On Superhero Movies

BURBANK, CA—Emphasizing that losing even just a few comic book fans would be a “fate worse than death,” Disney CEO Bob Iger admitted Monday that he and all his employees spend every waking moment consumed by the fear that you will one day turn on superhero movies. “Working at Disney? It’s hell. Because I know that one…

‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Now Just Hoping George R.R. Martin Dies Soon So Estate Can Release Whatever He’s Already Written

CHICAGO—Stressing that a posthumous release was still better than no release at all, Game Of Thrones fans nationwide confessed Monday that they were now just hoping George R.R. Martin dies soon so his estate could publish whatever he’s already written. “Listen, he’s gotta have at least two-thirds of The Winds Of Winter

Fox News Intern Fetching Coffee Tells Herself This Will All Pay Off When She Trump’s Secretary Of State One Day

NEW YORK—In an effort to cope with the stressful task of fetching coffee for demanding staffers, Fox News intern Hattie Butler reportedly told herself Friday that this would all pay off when she was named President Trump’s secretary of state one day. “It’s really tough to keep everyone’s drink orders straight, but the…

Mom Sends Blurry, Indistinct Photo Of Computer Screen Showing Boots You Might Like

CAPITOLA, CA—Claiming that the footwear in question would go nicely with a lot of things in your wardrobe, your mother sent you a blurry and indistinct photo of her home computer screen Friday ostensibly displaying a pair of boots you might like. “I was looking at the internet and thought of you when I saw these on…

Review: ‘Super Smash Bros. Ultimate’ Sunk By Unforgivable Inclusion Of Kirby, One Of The Most Offensive Harmful Stereotypes To Ever Appear In Popular Entertainment

One of the most anticipated releases of 2018, Super Smash Bros. Ultimate is a fun, but undeniably compromised gaming experience. Ultimate pulls out all the stops to give fans the biggest, most finely tuned Smash Bros. experience to date. It’s a tight, balanced, action-packed brawler filled out with over 70 of your…

Advertisement