OpinionStraight People Explain What Pride Means To ThemPride month is recognized each June in remembrance of the 1969 Stonewall Uprising in Manhattan, when a police raid at a gay club sparked the riot that began the gay rights movement. While at its core Pride is a celebration of and for the LGBTQ+…
OpinionConservatives Explain How Pride Has Gone Too FarFollowing numerous boycotts of companies that show support for the human beings in the LGBTQ community, The Onion asked conservatives to explain how pride has gone too far, and this is what they said.
LocalCompany’s New Dress Code Prohibits All Clothing But Little Sailor SuitsCHICAGO—The directive to wear navy blue-and-white nautical-themed attire going into effect immediately, a new dress code mandated this week by software company Nexus Solutions prohibited all clothing but little sailor suits. “Given the need for our…
FootballTyreek Hill Surprised To Discover Assault Illegal In FloridaMIAMI—Following reports that he was under investigation by Miami-Dade Police for his role in a violent altercation at the Haulover Marina, Miami Dolphins wide receiver Tyreek Hill told reporters Friday that he was surprised to discover that assault…
Breaking NewsStudy Finds Sharp Decline In Mental Health Among Americans Who Finally Tried Out Bolo Tie And No One Complimented It
LocalTrump Spends Contemplative Morning In Office Tapping Golf Balls Into Rudy Giuliani’s MouthMAR-A-LAGO, FL—Still reeling from the recently unsealed federal indictment that included over 37 felony counts against him, 45th president of the United States Donald Trump spent a contemplative morning in his office Thursday tapping golf balls into…
LocalEmployees Disgusted By Frail, Malformed Child Produced By Forbidden Relationship Between 2 Coworkers
Politics‘I’m Working Through My Anger Issues, But Even On My Best Days It’s A Struggle,’ Screams Majorie Taylor GreeneWASHINGTON—As a rivalry over competing resolutions to impeach President Joe Biden came to a head Thursday, the simmering feud between Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (GA) and fellow MAGA Republican Rep. Lauren Boebert (CO) burst into public view Tuesday…
Breaking NewsFeds Wistfully Gaze At Photo Of Hunter Biden’s Penis One Last Time Before Closing Investigation
Breaking NewsTitanic Submersible Rescue Workers Detect Sound Of Savage Garden’s ‘Truly, Madly, Deeply’ Playing Underwater
EntertainmentObama Production Company Greenlights Action Film About Badass Drone Seeking Revenge On Yemeni Wedding
