The Onion | America's Finest News Source.

Interior Decorating Tricks To Make Your Tiny Apartment Look Brown

Discontinued Girl Scout Cookies

How To Prevent Future Pandemics

Editorial Cartoon: ‘Snow and ICE’

News in Brief

Florida GOP Introduces Ballotless Voting In Disenfranchised Communities

TALLAHASSEE, FL—In an effort to streamline the state’s electoral process, Florida Republicans introduced a new bill to the legislature Thursday that would establish ballotless voting in disenfranchised communities. “We’ve eliminated the complex and…

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Mom Moves In For Kill After Spotting Child’s Shirt Tag Sticking Out

News in Brief

Biden Unveils Cool Teen Migrant Detainment Center Where Youths Can Hang Out And Never Leave

CARRIZO SPRINGS, TX—In an effort to provide vulnerable youths with a structured, supervised environment, President Joe Biden unveiled a hip teen migrant detainment center Tuesday where kids could hang out and never leave. “We think migrant teenagers…

Infographic

Career Timeline Of Daft Punk

The French electronic music duo Daft Punk announced their breakup after a massively influential 28-year run. The Onion looks back at the top moments of Daft Punk.

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Spirit Who Caught Typhus En Route To Siege Of Antioch Figures It Simpler Just To Say He Died In The Crusades

PERDITION—While admitting that the explanation was not technically true, 943-year-old spirit Brictric of Waddesdon confirmed Tuesday that he had found it simpler to just tell fellow denizens of the afterlife that he died in the Crusades despite…

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NASA Welcomes Litter Of Mars Rovers After Successful Breeding Of Perseverance, Curiosity

News in Brief

Joe Manchin Claims West Virginians Too Deficient In Character, Grit To Deserve $15 Minimum Wage

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Mitch McConnell Presses Merrick Garland About Legal Philosophy On Vengeance

News

Gaming Win: This Pro Gamer Did Something Terrible And Everyone Is Sweeping It Under The Rug Like He’s A Real Celebrity

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El Chapo’s Wife Arrested On Drug Charges Exactly As Planned

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Respectful Drivers Pull Over To Side Of Road To Let Pizza Delivery Guy Through

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Joe Manchin Reverses Stance On Abolishing Filibuster After Son Diagnosed With Filibuster Disease

Politics

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Pete Buttigieg Learning About Problems Facing Rail Infrastructure By Spending Week Living As Train

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to assess the problem from the ground up, transportation secretary nominee Pete Buttigieg told reporters Friday he was learning about the challenges facing the nation’s outdated rail infrastructure by living as a train for a…

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Ted Cruz Deeply Disturbed By Part Of Capitol Riot Video Where Chuck Schumer Not Beaten To Death

News In Photos

Hog With Paintbrush Commissioned For Trump Presidential Portrait

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‘Truly An Honor To Receive This Gift From The Black Community,’ Says Trump Graciously Accepting NAACP Lawsuit

News in Brief

Paranoid Janet Yellen Hides Entire U.S. Money Supply In Treasury Department Drop Ceiling

The Topical

Papa John’s Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce

The Topical

Scientists Warn Americans To Stay Away From That Bird

The Topical

Nation’s Arborists Once Again Urge Congress To Lower The Age Of Consent For Trees

Local

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Employees On Zoom Call Watch In Horror As 2 Coworkers Who Began Talking At The Same Time Just Keep Powering Through

BOSTON, MA—Eyes darting across the chat window as they strained to divide their attention between the speakers, Certech Consulting employees reportedly watched in horror during a Monday morning video meeting as two coworkers who began talking at the…

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Something About The Way Society Was Exposed As Complete Illusion Over Past Year Really Getting Man Down Today

News in Brief

Last Pickle Delighted To Finally Have Whole Jar To Self

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‘Hope You Don’t Mind I Shoveled Your Sidewalk Too,’ Says Neighbor In Devastating Blow To Dad’s Masculinity

News in Brief

Man Scores Vintage Coin-Operated Texas Instruments Graphing Cabinet

Slideshows

Slideshow

We’ve Seen Enough: OGN Is Officially Calling The State Of New Hampshire For Gamers

Illustration for Jesus Fucking Christ: Mario And Yoshi Used A Warp Block At The Same Time And Emerged Onto The Mario Party Board As A Horrifying, Fused Monstrosity

News

Jesus Christ: Mario And Yoshi Used A Warp Block At The Same Time And Emerged Onto The Mario Party Board As A Horrifying, Fused Monstrosity

Illustration for Biggest Games Of Winter 2021

Slideshow

Interior Decorating Tricks To Make Your Tiny Apartment Look Brown

Discontinued Girl Scout Cookies

How To Prevent Future Pandemics

Editorial Cartoon: ‘Snow and ICE’

Florida GOP Introduces Ballotless Voting In Disenfranchised Communities

Mom Moves In For Kill After Spotting Child’s Shirt Tag Sticking Out

Biden Unveils Cool Teen Migrant Detainment Center Where Youths Can Hang Out And Never Leave

Career Timeline Of Daft Punk

Spirit Who Caught Typhus En Route To Siege Of Antioch Figures It Simpler Just To Say He Died In The Crusades

NASA Welcomes Litter Of Mars Rovers After Successful Breeding Of Perseverance, Curiosity

Joe Manchin Claims West Virginians Too Deficient In Character, Grit To Deserve $15 Minimum Wage

Mitch McConnell Presses Merrick Garland About Legal Philosophy On Vengeance

Gaming Win: This Pro Gamer Did Something Terrible And Everyone Is Sweeping It Under The Rug Like He’s A Real Celebrity

El Chapo’s Wife Arrested On Drug Charges Exactly As Planned

Respectful Drivers Pull Over To Side Of Road To Let Pizza Delivery Guy Through

Joe Manchin Reverses Stance On Abolishing Filibuster After Son Diagnosed With Filibuster Disease

Pete Buttigieg Learning About Problems Facing Rail Infrastructure By Spending Week Living As Train

Ted Cruz Deeply Disturbed By Part Of Capitol Riot Video Where Chuck Schumer Not Beaten To Death

Hog With Paintbrush Commissioned For Trump Presidential Portrait

‘Truly An Honor To Receive This Gift From The Black Community,’ Says Trump Graciously Accepting NAACP Lawsuit

Paranoid Janet Yellen Hides Entire U.S. Money Supply In Treasury Department Drop Ceiling

Papa John’s Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce

Scientists Warn Americans To Stay Away From That Bird

Nation’s Arborists Once Again Urge Congress To Lower The Age Of Consent For Trees

Employees On Zoom Call Watch In Horror As 2 Coworkers Who Began Talking At The Same Time Just Keep Powering Through

Something About The Way Society Was Exposed As Complete Illusion Over Past Year Really Getting Man Down Today

Last Pickle Delighted To Finally Have Whole Jar To Self

‘Hope You Don’t Mind I Shoveled Your Sidewalk Too,’ Says Neighbor In Devastating Blow To Dad’s Masculinity

Man Scores Vintage Coin-Operated Texas Instruments Graphing Cabinet

Oh Christ, Time To Name These 60 Eggs

This One’s Just For The Foot Fetishists

The Best NBA Players Of All Time

State-By-State Covid-19 Restrictions

End Of An Era: Sony Just Announced They’re Stopping Production Of The PS5

We’ve Seen Enough: OGN Is Officially Calling The State Of New Hampshire For Gamers

Jesus Christ: Mario And Yoshi Used A Warp Block At The Same Time And Emerged Onto The Mario Party Board As A Horrifying, Fused Monstrosity

Biggest Games Of Winter 2021

MapQuest Turns 25

5 Things To Know About Secretary Of State Antony Blinken

How We’re Celebrating Valentine’s Day In A Pandemic

5 Things To Know About ‘WandaVision’

Career Timeline Of Daft Punk

Timeline Of Britney Spears’ Career

Christopher Nolan Still No Closer To Understanding End Of ‘Tenet’ After Watching Dozens Of YouTube Explainer Videos

Media Claims Britney Spears Well Enough To Be Released Back Into Their Sole Custody

The Biggest Snubs From The 2021 NBA All-Star Game

Michelle Wie Shoots 63 While Using Rudy Giuliani As Sand Wedge

NBA Shot Clock Ejected From Game After Startling Referee With Buzzer

U.S. Broadcast Of Pivotal Chelsea-Manchester United Match To Stream Exclusively On Best Buy Display TVs

National Guard May Deploy Up To 20,000 Troops To DC For Biden Inauguration

Bill Belichick Declines Medal Of Freedom From Trump

‘Sex And The City’ Reboot Will Not Include Kim Cattrall

Hallmark Asks Senators Hawley And Marshall To Return Political Donations