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QAnon Followers Frustrated After Q Calls For Respecting Election Results, Uniting Behind Biden

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Crying Eric Trump Asks Father If They Poor Now

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Media Condemns Biden For Baseless Claim That Nation Will Come Together Once Election Over

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The Onion’s State-By-State Election Guide

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Alex Trebek Politely Listens To Lame Anecdote About Time Archangel Saw Bear

THE HEAVENS—Dutifully feigning interest as the celestial being recalled the incident, the ascended soul of late Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek politely listened to an archangel’s lame anecdote about the time he saw a bear, sources from on high confirmed…

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Nation Hopeful For Better Future Where Activist Celebrities Will Finally Shut The Fuck Up

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Donald Trump Jr. Refuses To Step Down From Post Of President’s Oldest Son

WASHINGTON—Bucking centuries of precedent with a decision not to participate in the peaceful transfer of his authority, Donald Trump Jr. has refused to step down from his post as the president’s oldest son, sources confirmed Wednesday. “I, Don Trump…

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Jubilant Reaction To Trump Defeat Quickly Soured By News Of Biden Win

CHICAGO—Seconds after the room had erupted into cheers, applause, and a few big sighs of relief, sources confirmed Tuesday that a local group of friend’s jubilant reaction to Donald Trump’s defeat had soured quickly upon the announcement of Joe…

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Media Lambasts Biden Administration For Failure To Solve Coronavirus

WASHINGTON—Excoriating the presumptive nominee for his lack of action, the national news media turned its ire on the Biden administration Tuesday for its failure to solve the Covid epidemic. “Hopes were high when President-elect Biden won the…

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Media Glad It Can Finally End Half-Assed Charade Of Trying To Understand American Populace

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Aryan Brotherhood Reports Record Surge In Donations On Election Night

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‘You Have Disappointed Me,’ Trump Tells Room Full Of Supporters While Strapping On Gas Mask

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Trump Files Lawsuit In Pennsylvania Alleging Election Officials Totally Disregarding His Feelings

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Stress Of Presidency Already Ages Biden 10 Years

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Lincoln Project Immediately Releases Series Of Ads Calling For Biden Impeachment

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Newly Elected QAnon Congresswoman Worried She Selling Out By Working With Pedophile Cabal

Politics

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Amy McGrath Blows Remaining Campaign Funds On Lavish Concession Bonanza

FRANKFORT, KY—In an effort to ensure every last cent of the raised $84 million was put to good use, defeated Democratic Senate candidate Amy McGrath reportedly blew her remaining campaign funds Wednesday on a lavish concession bonanza. “We may not…

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‘I Knew They’d Come Back For Us,’ Say Trump Rally Attendees As Cloaked Figure Beckons Them Toward The Darkness

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Nation Sees Fundamental Realignment In Which Voting Demographics Should Be Demonized

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Democratic Strategists Hold Screening Of ‘Three Amigos’ In Order To Better Understand Latino Culture

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Overwhelmed White Nationalist Militia Spread Way Too Thin Plotting Attacks Against Everyone Trump Wants

Local

Fed-Up Lifelong Conservative To Cast Vote For Biden, Family Member Inaccurately Reports

ATLANTA—Having lost all confidence in President Trump’s abilities, fed-up lifelong conservative Jerry Holden was planning on casting his vote for Joe Biden, family member Gina Rupert inaccurately reported Monday. “Dad has been a staunch Republican…