The Onion | America's Finest News Source.

Illustration for Health Experts Determine College Social Distancing Guidelines Still No Match For The Jasonator

The Topical

The Topical: Health Experts Determine College Social Distancing Guidelines Still No Match For The Jasonator

News In Photos

Couple’s Apartment Decor Suggests Compromise Between Boho Chic, Marvel Cinematic Universe

Slideshow

Greatest World Series Champions Of All Time

News In Photos

Netflix Announces List Of Hulu Executives Disappearing At End Of October

News in Brief

Trump Storms Back Into Interview While Leslie Stahl Eating Lunch At Home

NEW YORK—Rattling off accusations of anti-Republican bias as he burst through her kitchen, President Donald Trump reportedly stormed back into his 60 Minutes interview Friday while Leslie Stahl was eating lunch at her home. “Well, well, well,…

News in Brief

Bob Dylan Not Exactly Rising To Occasion As Far As Current Protest Music Goes

News in Brief

Miffed Biden Warns Trump’s Undignified Behavior Could Cost Him Cabinet Post

NASHVILLE, TN—Growing increasingly frustrated with the president’s behavior over the evening’s proceedings, a visibly miffed Joe Biden warned that Donald Trump’s undignified behavior at the debate Thursday could easily cost him a cabinet position.…

News in Brief

Rudy Giuliani Releases Video Of Himself Masturbating To Show What It Would Actually Look Like

WASHINGTON—In response to a compromising scene featured in the Borat sequel in which the president’s personal attorney claimed to be tucking in his shirt, Rudy Giuliani released a video of himself masturbating Thursday to show what it would actually…

News in Brief

New Covid Cases Continue To Soar Even Though Todd Peters Of Scottsdale, AZ Said It Would Be Over By Now

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—According to sources close to the 34-year-old computer programmer, official records showed Covid-19 cases continuing to soar Thursday even though Todd Peters of Scottsdale, AZ told people back in June that it would all be over by now.…

News in Brief

David Blaine Wakes Up In Cold Sweat From Nightmare In Which He Dies Of Natural Causes

News in Brief

Trump Threatens To Leak Debate Video Online If Moderator Keeps Asking Unfair Questions

News in Brief

Farmer’s Child Forced To Slaughter Pumpkin They Spent Season Caring For

A Truly Glorious Time! A New Generation of Young Adults Are Now Able To Experience Borat’s Bare Ass

Politics

News in Brief

Amy Coney Barrett Promises Catholic Faith Won’t Interfere With Court’s Crushing Of The Poor, Downtrodden

WASHINGTON—In an effort to assure critics during her Senate confirmation hearing for the Supreme Court, Judge Amy Coney Barrett promised Monday that her Catholic faith’s tenets of generosity and humanity would not interfere with her duty on the…

News in Brief

Right-Wing Militia Wondering When Someone Will Notice They’ve Been Holding J.B. Pritzker Hostage For Months

Infographic

How Trump Can Beat Biden

News in Brief

‘Poll Watching Is Not Voter Intimidation,’ Trump Supporter Whispers Into Ear Of Man Filling Out Ballot In Voting Booth

News in Brief

‘Thank God I Voted Absentee In Whatever Dumb Ohio Town I’m From,’ Say Brooklyn Residents

The Topical

Health Experts Determine College Social Distancing Guidelines Still No Match For The Jasonator

The Topical

Conservatives Hopeful SCOTUS Majority Will Bring Days Of On-Demand Cervical Cancer Detection To An End

The Topical

High Crime Rate Leading More Inmates To Consider Moving Out Of Prison

Local

News in Brief

Man Cannot For The Life Of Him Understand Why Wife Enjoys TV Show Marketed Toward Married 30-50-Year-Old Women

TAOS, NM—Admitting that he “didn’t get the hype” over the serialized drama, local man Connor Sharp revealed Friday that he could not for the life of him understand why his wife, Lauren, enjoys a television show marketed toward married women between…