OpinionFlorida Teachers Explain How They Teach History Without Mentioning RaceIn order to win approval from Florida’s Department of Education, publishers have begun removing mentions of race from social studies textbooks. The Onion asked teachers how they teach history without race, and this is what they said.
Breaking NewsEducation Secretary’s Mom Forced To Stay Up All Night Devising Plan To Combat Student DebtWASHINGTON—Awake until the wee hours of the morning carefully crafting the policy, Education Secretary Miguel Cardona’s mother was forced to stay up all night devising a plan to combat student debt, sources reported Thursday. “Wait, you have to…
EntertainmentTaylor Swift Concert Solely Attended By Old-Money AristocratsGLENDALE, AZ—After the pop sensation’s much-anticipated Eras Tour kicked off with a pair of shows in Arizona, sources confirmed this week that the first Taylor Swift concert in more than three years was attended solely by old-money aristocrats. “I…
LocalAnnotations In Used Copy Of ‘Autobiography Of Malcolm X’ Make It Painfully Obvious That Previous Owner Was White
OpinionChildren React To Loosened Child Labor LawsSeveral states have recently introduced bills to eliminate age verification for young workers. The Onion asked several children how they felt about loosened child labor restrictions, and this is what they said.
Breaking NewsJimmy Carter Gets VasectomyPLAINS, GA—According to sources familiar with the medical treatment he is currently receiving, former President Jimmy Carter, 98, underwent a conventional surgical vasectomy Tuesday in an effort to prevent any unwanted pregnancies. “I’m not at a…
PoliticsThoughtful Letter On How To Improve Legislative Process Undercut By Poison Included In Envelope
LocalCatholic High School Newsletter Has Updates On Which Alumni Are In Hell NowFLINT, MI—Calling the dispatches a great way for students to learn what the institution’s former attendees have accomplished since graduation, sources confirmed Tuesday that the Powers Catholic High School’s newsletter provides updates on which…
Breaking NewsConservative Historian Claims Diversity Ultimately Doomed Third ReichNEW YORK—Bemoaning “woke culture” for infecting the empire and ultimately leading to its untimely demise, conservative historian Antony Reed told reporters Thursday that diversity was what ultimately doomed the Third Reich. “Sadly, had Hitler and…
PoliticsFast-Talking Biden Upsells Australian Prime Minister 2 Extra Nuclear Subs But He Has To Sign Today
Breaking NewsCould You Pass The Mental Competency Test For Politicians Over 75?Presidential candidate Nikki Haley recently suggested that all elected officials over the age of 75 should have to pass a mental competency test in order to hold office. Could you pass it?
OpinionConservatives Defend Their Anti-Trans BigotryFollowing the recent increase in hateful rhetoric towards transgender people, The Onion asked conservatives to defend their anti-trans bigotry and this is what they said.
BasketballObama Reveals His NCAA Tournament Bracket Winner Is ‘Song Of Solomon’ By Toni MorrisonWASHINGTON—In a social media post sharing his predictions, former President Barack Obama revealed Friday that the winner he had picked for his NCAA basketball tournament bracket was Song Of Solomon by Toni Morrison. “March Madness is here, and this…
