LOS ANGELES—Discussing how narrative cohesion would be maintained in the new sitcom, the showrunner of the upcoming Roseanne spinoff told reporters Tuesday that he hoped the giant puddle of blood in the set’s kitchen would adequately explain the former main character’s absence. “Sure, we could have had one of the many…
Roseanne spinoff The Conners premieres Tuesday night, featuring John Goodman, Laurie Metcalf, and the rest of the Conners family pressing on without Roseanne Barr, who was fired from the show earlier this year after posting racist comments on Twitter. What do you think?
As I look out at the faces surrounding me here today, I am reminded of how much we’ve accomplished in such a short period of time. We’ve driven the creature from our village, chased it back to its moldering castle, and burned that castle to the ground, doing so with no more than a few dozen pugnacious townsfolk. This…
For the second year straight, the world’s view of the U.S. has declined. For example, only 39 percent of Canadians now have a favorable view of the United States, down from 65 percent at the end of President Obama’s second term. What do you think?
ROCKFORD, IL—Saying that the jovial drawing will forever signify their bond of goodwill, local father Gary Ericson confirmed Tuesday that a smiley face doodled on their Buffalo Wild Wings meal check commemorates the undeniable chemistry between their waiter and the Ericson family. “Ever since Jason introduced himself…
NASHVILLE, TN—Hastily shooing away the varmints with corn whisk brooms, members of the Tennessee State Election Commission reportedly drove a pack of wild animals out of local voting booths Tuesday in preparation for the upcoming midterm election. “Y’all critters ain’t welcome in this here polling place—go on, get!”…
RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—In a press conference ahead of a meeting with U.S. secretary of state Mike Pompeo, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman admitted Tuesday that journalist Jamal Khashoggi died during a botched assassination attempt. “We lured Mr. Khashoggi to our consulate in Turkey for what was supposed to be a…
SIERRA VISTA, AZ—Looking around in a panic as he realized he had been left all alone, ICE agent Derek Borland was reportedly terrified Tuesday after becoming separated from his team during a raid on an immigrant community. “Where did everyone go? Guys, I’m really scared right now. Anyone? Bobby? Bobby, where are you?”…
TUSCALOOSA, AL—In an effort to prevent further alcohol-related tragedy, University of Alabama administrators announced plans Tuesday to suspend all lightweights who can’t handle their shit following the hazing death of freshman Delta Kappa Epsilon pledge Matthew Young. “What happened to Matt this past weekend is…
NEW YORK CITY—Taking drastic measures to silence their critics, Saudi Arabia reportedly sent assassins to dismember the entire international community Monday as part of an effort to stifle dissent. “At the order of Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman, teams of assassination squads were dispatched to all corners of…
A New York Times report suggests Jared Kushner likely paid little to nothing for millions of dollars in income between 2009 and 2016 by using legal loopholes. What do you think?
LONDON—Visibly upset as she huddled into her chair and glanced around the Family Planning Association waiting room, a nervous Meghan Markle looked over several informational pamphlets Monday while weighing her options regarding her pregnancy. “I suppose I thought Harry and I would have some more time together as just…
DENVER, CO—Noting that the pathetic 30-year-old may as well have been invisible to the men around her, sources confirmed Monday that loser woman Kathleen Owens has never inspired even a single bar fight. “Strangely, the sight of Kathleen failed to motivate even a single guy to pick up a pool cue and smash it over the…
