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Biden Touts Resiliency Of American Decline While Touring Factory That’s Been Closed For Decades

SAGINAW, MI—Gesturing grandly toward the dust-covered assembly line as he declared that nothing, absolutely nothing, could stop the nation from crumbling, President Joe Biden touted the resiliency of American decline Tuesday while touring a factory…

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Congress Placed On Lockdown After Deranged Man Enters Senate With Gun Control Measures

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Things Robbers Always Look For When Casing A House

Burglaries are easily preventable, especially if you have a gun. Here are things robbers always look for when casing a house.

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L.A. Mayor To Provide Emergency Housing For Residents Who Spotted Homeless Guy In Neighborhood

LOS ANGELES—Calling the situation within the city a “humanitarian disaster,” Los Angeles mayor Eric Garcetti pledged Tuesday to provide emergency housing for residents who had spotted a homeless guy in their neighborhood. “Starting today, the City…

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Astronaut Lifts Helmet To Sneak Quick Forbidden Gulp Of Space Air

LOW EARTH ORBIT—Admitting he knew it wasn’t strictly allowed by his mission commanders, astronaut Lance Mann reportedly lifted his helmet Tuesday to sneak a quick forbidden gulp of space air. “I know I’m not supposed to, but I just can’t resist,”…

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Dad Reads Menu With Restaurant Candle Like Archaeologist Deciphering Ancient Runes

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‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

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‘There’s A Razor On The Sink,’ Says Nurse Sending Patient To Bathroom To Fill Up Cup With Blood

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CIA Criticized For Use Of Abusive Etiquette Coaches In Black Site Finishing Schools

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Study Finds Over 60% Of Men Suffer From Male-Pattern Head Loss

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Heroic Passenger Provides Emergency Beverage Service After Flight Attendant Falls Ill

BOCA RATON, FL—In a feat stunned observers called “miraculous” and “inspiring,” courageous passenger Erica Spencer, 36, reportedly provided emergency beverage service Thursday after the sole flight attendant fell ill on an American Airlines flight…

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Man Doesn’t Understand Why Mothers Facing Formula Shortage Don’t Just Feed Baby Breast Meat

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Commencement Speaker Some Rando Who Pioneered Lifesaving Medical Research

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‘Well, At Least You Had Fun,’ Says Mother In Most Devastating Takedown Of Wedding Yet

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Pros And Cons Of Protesting At Politicians’ Homes

An abortion-rights protest over the weekend at Supreme Court justice Brett Kavanaugh’s home stoked controversy over whether it’s appropriate to protest a public official’s policies at their private residence. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of…

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Biden Touts Resiliency Of American Decline While Touring Factory That’s Been Closed For Decades

Congress Placed On Lockdown After Deranged Man Enters Senate With Gun Control Measures

Things Robbers Always Look For When Casing A House

L.A. Mayor To Provide Emergency Housing For Residents Who Spotted Homeless Guy In Neighborhood

Astronaut Lifts Helmet To Sneak Quick Forbidden Gulp Of Space Air

Dad Reads Menu With Restaurant Candle Like Archaeologist Deciphering Ancient Runes

‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

‘There’s A Razor On The Sink,’ Says Nurse Sending Patient To Bathroom To Fill Up Cup With Blood

Biggest Reasons Why Americans Are Leaving Big Cities

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D.C. Street Sweeper Lays On Horn At Saluting Pete Buttigieg Standing In Path

Scientists Grow Plant Seeds In Lunar Soil For First Time

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Unclear Where Old Man At Coffee Shop Got Little Thing Of Rice Pudding

Nestlé Pledges 10% Of Profits To Help Fund Genocide In Developing Countries

Nation’s Elderly Announce Plan To Be Sad And Lonely All The Time

CIA Criticized For Use Of Abusive Etiquette Coaches In Black Site Finishing Schools

Study Finds Over 60% Of Men Suffer From Male-Pattern Head Loss

Heroic Passenger Provides Emergency Beverage Service After Flight Attendant Falls Ill

Man Doesn’t Understand Why Mothers Facing Formula Shortage Don’t Just Feed Baby Breast Meat

Commencement Speaker Some Rando Who Pioneered Lifesaving Medical Research

‘Well, At Least You Had Fun,’ Says Mother In Most Devastating Takedown Of Wedding Yet

Barber Sedates Nervous Man Before Haircut

Pros And Cons Of Protesting At Politicians’ Homes

Thank God I Live In New Jersey – By Eric Adams

Ohio Law Mandates Rape Victims Send Thank You Notes For Gift Of Parenthood

Biden Tries To Boost Approval Ratings By Showing A Little Ankle

Dianne Feinstein Argues She Still Perfectly Mentally Fit To Continue Captaining Submarine

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Time For The Talk, Young Gamers: Sex Is Like A Wonderful 2 Player Co-Op Game With Someone You Love

Gamers, Is That You? Come Closer…Closer, Gamers, We Are Weak…There’s Something We Need To Tell You…Video Games Are…Really...Great

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Onion Explains: Global Nuclear Proliferation​

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Earth Given 50-50 Chance Of Hitting Key Warming Threshold By 2026

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Scientists Grow Plant Seeds In Lunar Soil For First Time

New York City Mayor Signs Law Requiring Job Postings To Include Minimum And Maximum Salary

Onion Explains: Global Nuclear Proliferation