Breaking NewsThings To Never Say To A Proud BoyOver the past year, events ranging from widespread social media bans to criminal convictions for seditious conspiracy have left far-right militant group the Proud Boys depleted and demoralized. For readers with acquaintances within the…
LocalICE Agent Stays Late To Catch Up On Human Rights ViolationsLOS FRESNOS, TX—Putting in overtime to ensure every person in his custody was thoroughly persecuted, local U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent Matthew Reed reportedly stayed at work late Thursday to catch up on his human rights…
LocalOrchestral Gong Player Serenades CrushNEWTON, MA—Lending an ear as the young man attempted to convey his innermost feelings through music, area woman Abby Cho was reportedly serenaded outside her home Thursday by her admirer Benjamin Kenilworth, an orchestral gong player. “Abby, if it’s…
Breaking NewsNation’s Gyms Not Sure Where People Got Idea They Allowed To Be Naked In Locker RoomsWASHINGTON—Asserting that they had never indicated that such behavior was remotely acceptable, the nation’s gyms released a joint statement Thursday announcing that they weren’t sure where people got the idea they were allowed to be naked in…
OpinionMomfluencers Defend Using Their Children For ClicksIf you’re unable to leverage your spawn for cash, then frankly, your kid’s probably an uggo. The Onion asked momfluencers how they defend using their children for clicks, and this is what they said.
PoliticsPoll: Majority Of Americans Don’t Trust Trump Or Biden To Watch Their Stuff While They’re In Bathroom
LocalWoman Worried Boyfriend Cheating After Noticing He Picked Up Healthy HabitSAN ANTONIO, TX—Fearing the worst after catching her partner taking care of himself, local woman Lorena Gonzalez worried Tuesday that her boyfriend Kyle Morland was cheating after noticing he had picked up a healthy habit. “I don’t want to sound…
LocalPolice Feel Bad After Easily Solving Series Of Riddles Serial Killer Obviously Put A Lot Of Work Into
Breaking NewsTexts From Tucker Carlson That Got Him FiredText messages from Tucker Carlson set off a panic inside Fox News after their revelation, showcasing the former host’s private and often alarming innermost thoughts. Here, obtained by The Onion in an exclusive trove from an anonymous source, are the…
Breaking NewsChair Of Tim Scott Exploratory Committee Finds GOP Voters Have One Big Reservation But Doesn’t Want To Say It
BasketballLeBron James Credits Quick Injury Recovery To Crazed German Doctor Harnessing Power Of Lightning Atop Mountain Peak
