The TopicalThe Topical: Nation Informs Body-Positive Advertisers It Ready To Go Back To Staring At Unattainably Attractive People
News in BriefRelieved Trump Administration Thankful To Finally Get Easy, Run-Of-The-Mill Hurricane Response To Fuck UpWASHINGTON—Still reeling from the unprecedented, complex ways in which they have fatally mishandled the Covid-19 pandemic, White House officials reportedly breathed a sigh of relief Tuesday after Tropical Storm Isaias gave them a simple,…
News in BriefVirtuoso Consumer Flawlessly Exchanges Currency For GoodsKANNAPOLIS, NC—With the air of a trained professional who executes complicated maneuvers with ease, a virtuoso consumer flawlessly exchanged currency for goods, sources confirmed Tuesday. “My god, look at this prodigy slide his debit card through…
News in BriefKnowledge That It Could Kill Him Actually Making Man Appreciate Day At Disney World A Lot MoreORLANDO, FL—Noting that his experience at the theme park had been far deeper and more meaningful than he ever could have imagined, local man Kevin Reeves told reporters Monday that knowing he was risking his life actually made him appreciate his day…
News in BriefRon DeSantis Cuts Phone Line Outside Nursing Home So No One Can Report Coronavirus DataTALLAHASSEE, FL—Crouching down beside the building’s electrical panel under cover of night, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis reportedly cut the phone line outside a local nursing home Monday so no one inside could report any coronavirus data. “Good luck…
NewsDeal Alert: Kill This Man With Your Bare Hands And We Will Give You A Copy Of ‘Brute Force’ For Xbox
News in BriefFederal Agents Drive 3 Hours Away From Portland Before Realizing Abducted Protester Still In Backseat
News in BriefEllen: ‘I Never Intended To Make Staff Feel Unsafe By Wearing A Bloodied Ram Skull And Stalking Them With A Hatchet’
News in BriefBarack Obama Storms Out Of Michelle Obama Podcast Interview After Questions About Administration’s Drone Use
News in Brief‘We Are Upholding The Rule Of Law,’ Bill Barr Tells Congress While Federal Agents Drag Jerry Nadler Into Unmarked VanWASHINGTON—Assuring lawmakers that his department was operating strictly according to the book, Attorney General Bill Barr told Congress during a testimony Tuesday that he only intended to “uphold the rule of law” while federal agents dragged a…
News In PhotosWhite House Clarifies That Trump Was Just Sending General Well Wishes To All Sex Traffickers
News in BriefTrump Administration Plants 137,000 Corpses In Fauci’s Bed To Frame Him For Coronavirus Deaths
The TopicalNation Informs Body-Positive Advertisers It Ready To Go Back To Staring At Unattainably Attractive People
News in BriefMissing Teen Looks Like He Can Probably Take Care of Himself Out ThereARLINGTON, MA—Noting that from a quick glance it seemed like he’d fare all right, observers of a missing person poster confirmed Monday that the young man pictured looked like he could probably take care of himself out there. “Don’t get me wrong,…
News in BriefArea Man Will Always Remember This As The Summer He Lived Life Normally And Everyone Was Mad At Him
News in BriefMom Calls Daughter In Panic After Ultra-Realistic Nightmare That She Chopped Off Her Beautiful Hair
NewsWhoopsies: The Vatican Has Ruled That Nintendo Committed A Venial Sin After Imbuing Lifeless Paper Products With The Soul Of Mario
NewsDisaster: Luigi Left His Space Heater Plugged In For 3 Days And The Entire ‘Paper Mario’ Kingdom Burned Down
News in BriefEllen: ‘I Never Intended To Make Staff Feel Unsafe By Wearing A Bloodied Ram Skull And Stalking Them With A Hatchet’
News In PhotosKanye Forced To Sleep In Separate Hyperbaric Chamber After Kim Kicks Him Out Of Geodesic Dome
