Fuck Fuck Fuck: We Promised Waaay Too Much Integration To Pepperidge Farm In This Article About A Boy Dying Of Cancer Raising Money For Other Sick Children

Oh shit. Oh fuck. We did a bad thing. ClickHole made a big, lucrative sponsored content deal with Pepperidge Farm, but we got too greedy and we promised them a shitload of brand integration in this article about a boy who was dying of cancer and spent his last days raising money for other sick children. Please forgive…

Netflix Defends ‘Queer Eye’ Episode Where The Fab Five Forced To Euthanize Completely Hopeless Slob

LOS GATOS, CA—Insisting that the controversial episode served as a stirring reminder of the importance of self-improvement, Netflix representative Tina Komal spoke in defense of a recent episode of ‘Queer Eye’ wherein the the Fab Five were forced to euthanize a contestant who was a completely hopeless slob. “We…

Jeff Sessions Argues Family Separations Only Happening Because Current Law Doesn’t Allow Him To Strangle Immigrants With Bare Hands

WASHINGTON—In response to criticism of the Justice Department’s “zero tolerance” policy stripping migrant children away from their parents and placing them in detention centers, Attorney General Jeff Sessions argued Monday that family separations are only happening because current law doesn’t allow him to strangle…

Laura Bush Publishes Courageous Op-Ed Calling For Imprisonment Of Whoever Created ICE

WASHINGTON—Standing up to the government agency in a blistering essay published in the Washington Post, former First Lady Laura Bush wrote a courageous op-ed Monday calling for the imprisonment of whoever created ICE. “Separating children from their parents is an unconscionable moral tragedy, and everyone involved…

I Am Leaving The Bloated Corpse Of Journalism Behind For This So-Called ‘Sociable-Media’ And Its Mountains Of Gold

As any half-aware simpleton will doubt-less tell you, the Fall of News has at long last come upon us. Indeed, for once, the cretins have the right of it; my bronze ear-horn, which once resonated day and night with the metallic shriek of The Onion’s implacable and limb-shearing steam presses, now strains to discern…

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Coworker Following World Cup Goes All-In On Tenuous Family Connection To Portugal

WILKES-BARRE, PA—Confused by his sudden, passionate rooting interest in the Mediterranean country, coworkers of area consultant Adam Shetaro told reporters Friday he was going all-in on a tenuous familial connection to Portugal for the 2018 World Cup. “I’ve worked with Adam for almost four years now, and he’s never…