EntertainmentChiefs Fans Try To Name A Single Taylor Swift SongWith the relationship between the pop star and all-pro tight end continuing to dominate the news cycle for some reason, The Onion asked Chiefs fans to name a single Taylor Swift song, and this is what they said.
Breaking NewsStudy Finds Charismatic Americans Experiencing Friendship EpidemicNEW YORK—A new study published Wednesday by researchers at Columbia University found that charismatic Americans are experiencing a friendship epidemic. “The data shows that captivating and social people have started acquiring an alarming number of…
Breaking NewsToyota Unveils New Bitter Coating To Prevent Children From Swallowing CarsTOYOTA, JAPAN—Noting that the colorful, shiny vehicles are far more toxic than they appear, Toyota officials announced Wednesday that the company has created a new bitter coating to prevent children from swallowing cars. “Thanks to this …
Breaking NewsNetanyahu: ‘I Don’t Know About You, But The Timing Of This Tragic Attack On Israelis Could Not Have Come At A Better Time For Me’JERUSALEM—Noting that he had been feeling pretty down lately and this was just the pick-me-up he needed, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu told reporters Tuesday that he didn’t know about them, but the tragic attack that killed Israelis couldn’t…
LocalDelta Agent Calls For Dipshit Passengers To Mill About In Front Of Gate Before Their Turn To BoardCHICAGO—Speaking over the terminal’s intercom in preparation for an evening flight to Boston, Delta Air Lines agent Sarah Epstein reportedly called Monday for all dipshit passengers to stand up and mill around in front of the gate before their turn…
LocalConfusing Haunted Maze Fails To Explain Narratively Why Someone Would Jump Out From Corner Screaming
LocalBlack Conservative Argues Transatlantic Slave Trade Was Result Of Fatherlessness In Black Community
PoliticsHouse Elects Kevin McCarthy’s 8th-Grade Bully As SpeakerWASHINGTON—Awarding him the position solely on the basis of his proven ability to torment his predecessor, the U.S. House of Representatives elected Kevin McCarthy’s eighth-grade bully Todd Jenkins as its new speaker in a landslide vote Thursday.…
PoliticsFederal Government Announces They’ve Hidden Briefcase Full Of Slavery Reparations Somewhere In Continental U.S.
PoliticsReport: Government Shutdown Could Imperil Hundreds Of Americans Currently At Top Of Federally Funded Ferris Wheels
EntertainmentJared Leto Asks If He Ever Going To Get Into Real Trouble For That Stuff He’s Been Doing
