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Things To Never Say To Someone Who Is Alone For The Holidays

Pro Athletes Share Their Favorite Holiday Traditions

Editorial Cartoon: ‘What Child Is This?’

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More Fridge Magnets Forced To Take On Extra Holiday Work Holding Up Christmas Cards

WASHINGTON—Due to limited household supplies of the decorative appliance accessory, more fridge magnets have been forced to take on extra work holding up Christmas cards over the holidays, experts reported Wednesday. “With the increased demands of…

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If Someone Gives You A Bad Gift, Do Not Say These Things

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Nation Gathers Around Picky Eater To Make Him Try Things He Doesn’t Like

TOPEKA, KS—Following repeated appeals for the man to sample “just one little bite,” sources confirmed Wednesday that the whole nation had gathered around 28-year-old picky eater Elijah Chapman in an attempt to make him try things he didn’t like.…

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Police Finally Throw Out Old, Embarrassing Evidence From ’80s

MEMPHIS, TN—Shaking their heads at how things used to be while they filled up trash bags in the station, members of the Memphis Police Department had reportedly finally gotten around to throwing out a bunch of old, embarrassing evidence from the…

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Star High School Quarterback Blissfully Unaware He’ll Be Jets Starter 4 Years From Now

BEND, OR—As he excitedly slapped a teammate on the back after delivering a pinpoint 30-yard throw in practice, sources confirmed Wednesday that local star quarterback Cole Rabuck was blissfully unaware he would be the New York Jets’ starter four…

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‘Ooohhh, That Sounds Good!’ Says Woman Overhearing Pharmacy Order Of Person Before Her

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Nation’s Next Of Kin Exhausted From Constantly Identifying Bodies

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Smattering Of Half-Remembered Facts From Ezra Klein’s Podcast Somehow Fail To Change Conservative Family Member’s Entire Worldview

Our Annual Year

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Insurrectionist Truther Doesn’t Believe He Was At Capitol

Image for Fauci Warns Public Against Holding Any Large-Scale Celebrations Commemorating February 1708 Release Of J.S. Bach’s Cantata ‘Gott Ist Mein König’

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Fauci Warns Public Against Holding Any Large-Scale Celebrations Commemorating February 1708 Release Of J.S. Bach’s Cantata ‘Gott Ist Mein König’

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Lawyer Explains That Just Because You Accidentally Kill Santa Doesn't Mean You’re Legally Obligated To Take His Place

Food To Leave Out For God On Christmas Eve

Want To Make These Amazing Glitter Bagels? Too Bad, They’re My Secret Recipe And I’ll Never Tell, Even If You Shoot My Kids In Front Of Me

Image for Cop Explains How It Feels To Live Every Day In Fear Someone Might Record You Brutalizing A Civilian

Want To Make These Amazing Glitter Bagels? Too Bad, They’re My Secret Recipe And I’ll Never Tell, Even If You Shoot My Kids In Front Of Me

Image for A Pest Control Company Bought A Half-Page Ad On Our Cover, And We’re In No Position To Turn It Down

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Most Frequent Porn Searches By State

Things To Never Say To Someone Who Is Alone For The Holidays

Pro Athletes Share Their Favorite Holiday Traditions

Editorial Cartoon: ‘What Child Is This?’

More Fridge Magnets Forced To Take On Extra Holiday Work Holding Up Christmas Cards

If Someone Gives You A Bad Gift, Do Not Say These Things

Nation Gathers Around Picky Eater To Make Him Try Things He Doesn’t Like

Police Finally Throw Out Old, Embarrassing Evidence From ’80s

Star High School Quarterback Blissfully Unaware He’ll Be Jets Starter 4 Years From Now

‘Ooohhh, That Sounds Good!’ Says Woman Overhearing Pharmacy Order Of Person Before Her

Nation’s Next Of Kin Exhausted From Constantly Identifying Bodies

Smattering Of Half-Remembered Facts From Ezra Klein’s Podcast Somehow Fail To Change Conservative Family Member’s Entire Worldview

Insurrectionist Truther Doesn’t Believe He Was At Capitol

Fauci Warns Public Against Holding Any Large-Scale Celebrations Commemorating February 1708 Release Of J.S. Bach’s Cantata ‘Gott Ist Mein König’

The Richest Person In Every State And How They Made Their Money

Sympathetic Police Know What It’s Like To Have A Bad Day And Kill 8 People

Man Shopping For Bowling Shoe That Can Also Be Worn To Funerals, Weddings

NFT Investor Reminds Skeptics Everything Else In World Stupid And Meaningless Too

Report: Over 90,000 Americans Die Every Year From Living Way You Do

Friend Crashing In Guest Room Hopes He Can Return Favor When Host’s Marriage Implodes

Nonprofit Cofounders Have Screaming Match Over Whether Mission To Ignite Change Or Spark Community Impact

Congress To Investigate Events Of Jan. 6 Until Group Of Patriotic Americans Brave Enough To Stop Them

‘And What Do You Want Me To Do, Brush Every Night?’ Snaps Jen Psaki At Dentist Suggesting She Could Improve Oral Hygiene

GOP Warns Loophole In New Bill Could Still Allow Teachers To Sing About Critical Race Theory

Democrats Reach Deal To Introduce Landmark Fundraising Email

Political Analysts Say GOP Could Take House If A Few Key Assassinations Break Their Way

Most Idiotic Things Anti-Vaxxers Actually Think Will Cure Covid

Self-Deprecating Comments That Are Actually Really Harmful

Everyday Benefits Of Ingesting Hallucinogens

Signs Your Mother-In-Law Actually Hates You

Games Bring People Together: We Don’t Have Any Specific Story Right Now That Proves This Point, But We Wanted To Express The General Sentiment

Bad News Gamers: It Appears Now Is Not The Time For Idle Merriment

Be Cool, For Once, Gamers: Mrs. Thompson Said We Might Get to Play ‘Minecraft’ If We Finish The Quiz By 11:45

As A Show Of Good Faith, We’re Sending In 10 Little-Known Facts About ‘The Witcher’ And All We Ask Is You Not Harm Any Of The Hostages

Lawyer Explains That Just Because You Accidentally Kill Santa Doesn't Mean You’re Legally Obligated To Take His Place

Food To Leave Out For God On Christmas Eve

Want To Make These Amazing Glitter Bagels? Too Bad, They’re My Secret Recipe And I’ll Never Tell, Even If You Shoot My Kids In Front Of Me

Cop Explains How It Feels To Live Every Day In Fear Someone Might Record You Brutalizing A Civilian

Lawyer Explains That Just Because You Accidentally Kill Santa Doesn't Mean You’re Legally Obligated To Take His Place

Bruce Springsteen Relishes Finally Telling Off Foreman After Catalog Sells For $500 Million

Want To Make These Amazing Glitter Bagels? Too Bad, They’re My Secret Recipe And I’ll Never Tell, Even If You Shoot My Kids In Front Of Me

A Pest Control Company Bought A Half-Page Ad On Our Cover, And We’re In No Position To Turn It Down

Star High School Quarterback Blissfully Unaware He’ll Be Jets Starter 4 Years From Now

Pro Athletes Share Their Favorite Holiday Traditions

Disheveled Mr. Met Spends Lockout Sadly Breakdancing For Tips On 7 Train

Somewhat Athletic Couple Gives Birth To Potential Division III Lacrosse Player

Biden Pledges 500 Million Free Virus Tests To Counter Omicron

Philadelphia Woman Gives Birth On Way To Hospital In Tesla On Autopilot

Manchin Says He Will Not Vote For Build Back Better Act

What Child Is This?