Bernie Sanders Announces 2020 Bid
Championing Medicare-for-all and a $15 minimum wage, Bernie Sanders announced a 2020 bid for president that will see him joining an increasingly crowded and progressive Democratic primary. What do you think?
‘We Will Not Repeat The Mistakes Of The 2016 Election,’ Vows Nation Still Using Internet
WASHINGTON—Promising that they had learned their lesson and would not fall into the same traps they did in the last presidential election cycle, the U.S. populace vowed Wednesday not to repeat the errors of 2016, while, at the same time, nearly every American voter continued to use the internet. “We’re not going to…
Mental Health Experts Recommend Calling Fratricide Prevention Hotline For Anyone Contemplating Killing Brother
WASHINGTON—In an effort to curb the more than 450,000 Americans annually who have ideations of taking their male sibling’s life, experts from the American Psychological Association strongly recommended Wednesday calling the Fratricide Prevention Hotline to anyone who might be contemplating killing their brother. “If…
‘Anthem’ Developers Assure Players Whiteboard With Words ‘Jetpack+Guns?’ Will Be Playable Game By Friday
EDMONTON, ALBERTA—Promising that they were tirelessly working to resolve issues with the long-anticipated blockbuster Anthem, developers at BioWare assured players this week that the whiteboard in their office that reads “Jetpack+Guns?” would be a fully functional and fleshed-out game by Friday. “We know the thousands…
Coca-Cola Releases New Orange Vanilla Flavor
After a decade without releasing a new flavor, Coca-Cola will launch an orange vanilla variety in stores this month, calling it “reminiscent of the creamy orange popsicles we grew up loving, but in a classically Coke way.” What do you think?
Dole Reveals One Cantaloupe Out There Contains $10 Million Check
WESTLAKE VILLAGE, CA—Promising one lucky melon fan the chance to change their life forever, Dole revealed Wednesday that one cantaloupe currently for sale in the continental United States contains a check for $10 million. “What’s the only thing better than the sweet, delicious taste of a Dole cantaloupe? One that’s…
Trump Agrees To Wear Wire To Take Down Roger Stone
WASHINGTON—Vowing to do whatever he could to help Special Counsel Robert Mueller investigate the campaign consultant’s role in 2016 election interference, President Trump reportedly agreed Wednesday to wear a wire to take down Roger Stone. “I’ve known Roger for years, but it’s time to put my country first and do…
Man Competitive About How Depressed He Is
COLUMBUS—Upon hearing his friends describing their struggles with the mental illness, self-employed graphic designer Jacob Carden, 42, evidently became competitive Wednesday about how depressed he is by rattling off a list of important life and career events the disorder has ruined for him or caused him to miss…
Pope Spends Afternoon Filling In Glory Holes All Over St. Peter’s Basilica
VATICAN CITY—In an attempt to repair the dozens of suspicious openings he had found drilled through the church’s thick marble walls, Pope Francis reportedly spent most of Wednesday using spackle and a putty knife to patch up all the glory holes in St. Peter’s Basilica. “I knew there would be some in the confessionals,…
Biggest Snubs In Oscars History
The Academy Awards inspire debate every year about whether certain films, directors, and actors were recognized over more deserving ones, and over time, some of those overlooked movies and performances have come to seem particularly egregious. The Onion looks back at the biggest Oscars snubs in history.
MTA Urges Riders To Stop Taking Disabled Passengers
NEW YORK—In a sternly worded reminder of baseline subway etiquette, the New York City Metropolitan Transit Authority released a statement Wednesday instructing riders not to take disabled passengers for their personal use. “Transit personnel have seen a significant increase in train, bus, and ferry passengers taking…
Trump Installs Room-Sized Golf Simulator In White House
Using personal funds, President Trump installed a $50,000 room-sized golf simulator in the White House as an upgrade of the version used by President Obama, allowing him to play virtual rounds at courses across the globe. What do you think?
Karl Lagerfeld Horrified By Uninspired, Garish Tunnel Of Light Coming Toward Him
THE HEAVENS—Saying the scene lacked any true imaginative impulse or sense of playfulness, late fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld was reportedly aghast Tuesday at the sight of the uninspired, garish tunnel of light moving slowly toward him. “Oh no, that light is far too predictable—that’s not going to work,” said the…
Trump Confirms All Violent Options On The Table In Venezuela
WASHINGTON—In an effort to remain as objective as possible when considering ways of addressing the ongoing crisis, President Trump told reporters Tuesday that he was leaving all violent options on the table in Venezuela. “If America’s interests are threatened anywhere in the world, the U.S. retains the right to use…
Knicks Confident They Have The Cap Space To Ruin 2 Or 3 Promising Careers
NEW YORK—Insisting that he could easily lure several free agents into giving up their hopes for a championship, Knicks president Steve Mills confirmed Tuesday that he was confident the team had the requisite cap space to ruin two or three promising careers this offseason. “After making moves at the trade deadline to…
Passenger Glued To Airplane Window Like It Fucking 1956
DENVER—Appearing inexplicably mesmerized by the unremarkable scenery below, Delta flight 2127 passenger Richard Hart, 38, was glued to the window of the Airbus A321 “like it was fucking 1956,” travellers confirmed Tuesday. “Jesus, this guy is staring out that window as if the miracle of aviation was bestowed upon…
‘That First Date Is Going Terribly,’ Think Diners Watching Couple Celebrate 5th Anniversary
COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Noting the couple’s dull conversation and bored expressions while dining at the otherwise enchanting Pepper Tree Restaurant, bystanders marked all the telltale signs of a terrible first date Tuesday as Crystal and Jacob Rubens celebrated their fifth wedding anniversary at a quiet, candlelit table.…
Taco Hell
Advertisement
