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Potential Candidates For Biden’s Cabinet

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Greatest World Series Champions Of All Time

Illustration for Conservatives Hopeful SCOTUS Majority Will Bring Days Of On-Demand Cervical Cancer Detection To An End

The Topical

The Topical: Conservatives Hopeful SCOTUS Majority Will Bring Days Of On-Demand Cervical Cancer Detection To An End

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Netflix Announces List Of Hulu Executives Disappearing At End Of October

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Rudy Giuliani Releases Video Of Himself Masturbating To Show What It Would Actually Look Like

WASHINGTON—In response to a compromising scene featured in the Borat sequel in which the president’s personal attorney claimed to be tucking in his shirt, Rudy Giuliani released a video of himself masturbating Thursday to show what it would actually…

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Kansas National Guard Announces They’re Ready To Defend Against An Attack On Kansas At Any Time

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Highly Informed Voter Has Spent Weeks Studying Trump, Biden Yard Signs

PORTAGE, WI—Increasing his scrutiny of the presidential candidates as the election approached, local highly informed voter Mark Stippley told reporters Wednesday that he has spent weeks studying Trump and Biden yard signs. “I know how important this…

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Nation Glad To See Baseball Players Still Have Names Like Mookie Betts

ALTOONA, PA—Basking in delight and nostalgia as they watched the 2020 MLB World Series, the nation was reportedly glad Wednesday to see baseball players still have names like Mookie Betts. “There are very few things you can count on in this life, so…

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Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About

WEST VALLEY CITY, UT—Following several preliminary tests of the unusual growth, Dr. Ron Craig informed patient Tom Stossel Wednesday that the weird lump that appeared on his neck in July was in fact nothing he can afford to worry about. “This might…

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Farmer’s Child Forced To Slaughter Pumpkin They Spent Season Caring For

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New Covid Cases Continue To Soar Even Though Todd Peters Of Scottsdale, AZ Said It Would Be Over By Now

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Trump Campaign Reminds Supporters To Make Voting Intimidation Plan

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Experts Predict Covid-19 Vaccine Could Be Ready As Soon As Team Of Sled Dogs Traverse Yukon With It

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Paleontologists Unearth Rare, Mint-Condition Triceratops Skull In Goodwill Bin

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New Stimulus Bill Would Require All Americans To Mail Government $1,200 Check

Illustration for Wawaweewa! iBorat Subsequent Moviefilm/i Is Here And 2020 Is Officially The Best Year In History!

Wawaweewa! Borat Subsequent Moviefilm Is Here And 2020 Is Officially The Best Year In History!

Politics

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Amy Coney Barrett Promises Catholic Faith Won’t Interfere With Court’s Crushing Of The Poor, Downtrodden

WASHINGTON—In an effort to assure critics during her Senate confirmation hearing for the Supreme Court, Judge Amy Coney Barrett promised Monday that her Catholic faith’s tenets of generosity and humanity would not interfere with her duty on the…

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Right-Wing Militia Wondering When Someone Will Notice They’ve Been Holding J.B. Pritzker Hostage For Months

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How Trump Can Beat Biden

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‘Poll Watching Is Not Voter Intimidation,’ Trump Supporter Whispers Into Ear Of Man Filling Out Ballot In Voting Booth

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‘Thank God I Voted Absentee In Whatever Dumb Ohio Town I’m From,’ Say Brooklyn Residents

The Topical

Conservatives Hopeful SCOTUS Majority Will Bring Days Of On-Demand Cervical Cancer Detection To An End

The Topical

High Crime Rate Leading More Inmates To Consider Moving Out Of Prison

The Topical

Report: Friends Don’t Really Think Of You As Part Of Group

Local

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Man Cannot For The Life Of Him Understand Why Wife Enjoys TV Show Marketed Toward Married 30-50-Year-Old Women

TAOS, NM—Admitting that he “didn’t get the hype” over the serialized drama, local man Connor Sharp revealed Friday that he could not for the life of him understand why his wife, Lauren, enjoys a television show marketed toward married women between…