Coachella Unveils Premium VIP Areas Where Fans Will Be Able To See, Hear Bands

INDIO, CA—Touting the tickets as offering the best experience for fans of the music festival, Coachella organizers on Thursday reportedly unveiled premium VIP areas where fans will be able to see and hear the bands. “For just $1,299, our special VIP passes give festival attendees parking, admission to the campground,…

Devin Nunes Threatens Defamation Lawsuit After Reputation Ruined By His Official Twitter Account

WASHINGTON—Vowing to fight tooth and nail against what he called “an insidious smear campaign,” Rep. Devin Nunes (R-CA) announced Wednesday he was considering filing a defamation lawsuit against his official Twitter account for ruining his reputation. “The figure behind @DevinNunes has disparaged my good name in what…

Son Needs Costume, 30 Individually Wrapped Treats Tomorrow Morning For Some School Celebration

ATHENS, OH—Confessing that he was completely blindsided by the request, parent Erik Schaff said Wednesday that his son Cody, 8, needed a full-body costume and 30 individually wrapped treats by tomorrow morning for some sort of school celebration. “Cody just handed me a note saying that the third grade is holding an…

Literary Historians Uncover Collection Of Breezy, Upbeat Edgar Allan Poe Writings Penned After Author Took Up Jogging

BOSTON—In a discovery shedding light on the famous macabre author’s less-acknowledged qualities, literary historians at Harvard University unearthed Wednesday dozens of uplifting poems and breezy short stories written by Edgar Allan Poe later in his life after he got into the habit of jogging. “Poe’s later, much more…

Historians Uncover Lost Socrates Dialogues Where He Just Gave Up And Started Screaming That Opponent A Fucking Brainwashed Shill

CAMBRIDGE, MA—In a landmark discovery that sheds new light on the development of Western thought, historians announced Tuesday they had found several lost Socratic dialogues in which the ancient Greek philosopher simply gives up and screams that his debate opponents are all fucking brainwashed shills. “In these newly…

Facebook: ‘Identifying Hate Speech Is Difficult Because Some Posts Actually Make Pretty Interesting Points’

MENLO PARK, CA—Warning that users who call for the suspension of bigoted accounts might just be afraid of a real debate, Facebook representatives told reporters Tuesday that classifying hate speech can be difficult because some posts actually make very interesting points. “At Facebook, we are committed to combating…

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