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Republican Lawmakers React To Anti-LGBTQ Violence

“It’s a damn shame that we have to hear about it.”

News In Brief

FDA Warns Tying Penis Into Knot Only Prevents 73% Of Pregnancies

News In Brief

Man Hopes No One Can Tell He’s Bald Under Full Head Of Hair

GREAT FALLS, MT—Nervously readjusting his thick and healthy follicles, local man Mike Chesper told reporters Monday that he hoped no one could tell he was totally bald under his full head of hair. “I try to cover it up with my voluminous locks, but…

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Marvel Not Even Bothering To Replace Green Screens With CGI Anymore

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to save millions in production costs with little effect on viewership, Marvel Studios announced Monday that it wasn’t even going to bother replacing green screens with CGI anymore. “Essentially, we’re just going to put…

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Study Finds Plants Communicate Using Underground Network Of Spies

CAMBRIDGE, MA—In pioneering new research that could revolutionize the understanding of Earth’s flora, a study published Monday by biologists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology found that plants communicate using an underground network of…

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Increasingly Unhinged Nate Silver Declares 39 Has 83% Chance Of Being 64

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Cash-Strapped Subway Threatens To Reveal Identities Of Customers Who Eat Subway If They Don’t Pay

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Chivalrous Predator Opens Trunk For Date

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Thanksgiving Fact: Did You Know?

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This Is An Unauthorized, Non-Paid Advertisement For Country Crock

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Things You Should Never Say To A Flight Attendant

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Things Gen Z Hates About Millennials

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Archaeologists Discover Ancient Femur That Could Make Mouthwatering Broth

Roundtable

Should Joe Biden Run Again?

As the oldest commander-in-chief in the history of our republic, the current president’s age demands a vigorous discussion to settle the question: Should President Joseph R. Biden run again?

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How To Tell Your Mom You’re Not Coming Home For The Holidays

Traveling during this time of the year is always challenging. The Onion provides practical advice for how to tell your mom that you’re not coming home for the holidays.

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Elon Musk’s Rules Of ‘Insane Productivity’ That Were Sent To All Twitter Employees

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When Hairy Met Sally

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Things Former Twitter Employees Said About Elon Musk That Got Them Fired

Rule No. 1 of working at Twitter? Do not insult the chief twit. Here are things that former employees said about Elon Musk that immediately got them fired.

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Frustrated Man Still On Waitlist To Register As Sex Offender

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What Americans Dread The Most About The Holidays

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Cash-Flush FIFA Executives Note Every World Cup Host Has Had Slaves At One Point

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Police Team-Building Scavenger Hunt Challenges Officers To Arrest Someone From Every Race

SEATTLE—As part of an attempt to more equitably implement a strategy of profiling and mass incarceration, members of the Seattle Police Department engaged in a team-building scavenger hunt this week in which they were challenged to arrest someone of…

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New STEM Program Teaches Students Skills To Appease Whims Of Capricious Tech CEO

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Priest Never Sure How To Fill Awkward Silence After Last Rites Finished But Before Person Dies

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Child Walks In On Parents Failing To Reignite Spark In Marriage

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Toddler Demands Full Investigation Into Why That Man Has No Hair

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Democrats Vow To Make Better Effort To Reach Out To Hollywood Elite

LOS ANGELES—Pledging to never again lose focus on their most important constituents, the Democratic National Committee reportedly vowed Tuesday to make a better effort to reach out to the Hollywood elite. “What these elections have told us loud and…

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Republicans Explain Why Ron DeSantis Should Run For President

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Raphael Warnock Loses All Faith In God After Being Forced Into Runoff Against Herschel Walker

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Kamala Harris Loses Benefits After Hours Get Cut At Work

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Biggest Winners And Losers From The Midterm Elections

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The Onion Is Giving Away $8.3 Trillion In NFTs

The Onion is graciously saving the entire world’s economy by giving away $8.3 trillion in NFTs. Get these jpegs while you can, because these one-of-kind cryptographic assets are the most valuable digital items ever known.

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What Elon Musk Told Twitter Employees During His First Company Meeting

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Biggest Shortcomings Of Tesla’s Self-Driving Cars

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What To Say To Someone Who Lost Money In The Crypto Crash

Opinion

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Parents Explain How Affirmative Action Has Destroyed Their Children’s Future

With policies to help improve employment or educational opportunities for underrepresented groups coming under fire, The Onion asked parents to explain how affirmative action has destroyed their children’s future.