News in Brief
‘Well, I Could Do That’ Says Art Museum Attendee Viewing Security Guard On Lunch Break
NEW YORK—Shaking his head in disbelief at what passes for art these days, museum visitor Francis Bach was reportedly heard muttering “Well, I could do that” to himself while viewing a Metropolitan Museum of Art security guard on his lunch break.…
News in Brief
Financial Experts Recommend Just Waiting Until Chaos Is Law Of The Land
NEW YORK—Cautioning against making any rash investment decisions before the entire fabric of society falls apart and anarchy reigns supreme, financial experts recommended Wednesday to hold off on buying or selling and wait until chaos is the law of…
News in Brief
Justice Roberts Sternly Admonishes Impeachment Participants To Remember They’re At Complete Farce Of A Trial
WASHINGTON—After he gaveled the Senate to order Wednesday afternoon, Chief Justice John Roberts sternly admonished both President Trump’s counsel and House impeachment managers to remember they were participating in a complete farce of a trial. “As…
News in Brief
Report: Clicking This Link Will Add You To Several FBI Watchlists
WASHINGTON—Explaining that your name is now permanently on multiple databases run by the federal law enforcement branch, a new report issued Tuesday confirmed that, well, you’ve done it: By having clicked on this link, you have been added to several…
Videos
Show allShow all videosPolitics
Show allShow all Politics storiesNews in Brief
‘They Can’t Impeach Someone They Can’t See,’ Say Trump Boys Cramming Dad Into Homemade Bunker Under Oval Office Desk
WASHINGTON—Hastily concealing the “super top secret” shelter’s entrance with a couch cushion, the Trump boys reportedly declared “They can’t impeach someone they can’t see” Friday while cramming their dad into a homemade bunker under the Oval Office…
Sports
Show allShow all Sports storiesLocal
Show allShow all Local storiesNews in Brief
Canadian Man Wishes There Was Some Way To Pay His Doctor For All The Hard Work He Did
TORONTO—Explaining that he hated to think of all the physician’s efforts going unrewarded, Canadian citizen Ryan Munley stated Tuesday that he wished there was some way he could pay his medical doctor for all his hard work. “Dr. Leva really went…
Entertainment
Show allShow all Entertainment storiesOnion Gamers Network
Show allShow all from Onion Gamers Network