News In BriefTrump Disappointed After Holocaust Denier Tells Him Holocaust Never HappenedPALM BEACH, FL—Appearing crestfallen during a dinner with the white supremacist at his Mar-a-Lago estate, former President Donald Trump is said to have expressed deep sadness last week when he was told by Holocaust denier Nick Fuentes that the…
News In BriefCyber Monday Retailers Worried Americans Not Ready To Buy Goods Over World Wide WebNEW YORK—Expressing skepticism about the unproven technology’s potential in the lead-up to the holiday season, Cyber Monday retailers reportedly worried this week that Americans were simply not ready to buy goods over the World Wide Web. “While…
News In BriefFDA Warns Tying Penis Into Knot Only Prevents 73% Of PregnanciesSILVER SPRING, MD—Saying the practice represented at best an imperfect way to practice contraception, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration released a study Monday warning that tying one’s penis into a knot only prevented pregnancies in 73% of…
News In BriefMan Hopes No One Can Tell He’s Bald Under Full Head Of HairGREAT FALLS, MT—Nervously readjusting his thick and healthy follicles, local man Mike Chesper told reporters Monday that he hoped no one could tell he was totally bald under his full head of hair. “I try to cover it up with my voluminous locks, but…
RoundtableShould Joe Biden Run Again?As the oldest commander-in-chief in the history of our republic, the current president’s age demands a vigorous discussion to settle the question: Should President Joseph R. Biden run again?
SlideshowHow To Tell Your Mom You’re Not Coming Home For The HolidaysTraveling during this time of the year is always challenging. The Onion provides practical advice for how to tell your mom that you’re not coming home for the holidays.
SlideshowThings Former Twitter Employees Said About Elon Musk That Got Them FiredRule No. 1 of working at Twitter? Do not insult the chief twit. Here are things that former employees said about Elon Musk that immediately got them fired.
News In BriefCash-Strapped Subway Threatens To Reveal Identities Of Customers Who Eat Subway If They Don’t Pay
News In BriefPolice Team-Building Scavenger Hunt Challenges Officers To Arrest Someone From Every RaceSEATTLE—As part of an attempt to more equitably implement a strategy of profiling and mass incarceration, members of the Seattle Police Department engaged in a team-building scavenger hunt this week in which they were challenged to arrest someone of…
News In BriefPriest Never Sure How To Fill Awkward Silence After Last Rites Finished But Before Person Dies
News In BriefDemocrats Vow To Make Better Effort To Reach Out To Hollywood EliteLOS ANGELES—Pledging to never again lose focus on their most important constituents, the Democratic National Committee reportedly vowed Tuesday to make a better effort to reach out to the Hollywood elite. “What these elections have told us loud and…
News In BriefRaphael Warnock Loses All Faith In God After Being Forced Into Runoff Against Herschel Walker
SlideshowThe Onion Is Giving Away $8.3 Trillion In NFTsThe Onion is graciously saving the entire world’s economy by giving away $8.3 trillion in NFTs. Get these jpegs while you can, because these one-of-kind cryptographic assets are the most valuable digital items ever known.
SlideshowParents Explain How Affirmative Action Has Destroyed Their Children’s FutureWith policies to help improve employment or educational opportunities for underrepresented groups coming under fire, The Onion asked parents to explain how affirmative action has destroyed their children’s future.
RoundtableDo Your Worst To Me, But I’ll Never Tell You Bastards Whether I Think Biden Should Run In 2024
FootballOnion Sports’ NFL Week 12 PicksOnion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in the NFL’s week 12 games.
News In BriefBritish World Cup Attendees Accused Of Smuggling Alcohol Into Stadium Through Bloodstreams
