Manny Machado Denies Playing Dirty After Late Slide Into Pitcher’s Mound

MILWAUKEE—Emphasizing he was not going to apologize for playing hard, Los Angeles Dodgers shortstop Manny Machado denied that he was a dirty player after a late slide into Corey Knebel on the pitcher’s mound. “I wasn’t trying to hurt him, that was just a normal spikes-first dive into someone’s shin at the pitcher’s…

If Any Autistic Kids Are Tryna Go To Prom With Me, I’d Be More Than Happy To Do That Shit (By Logan Paul)

Yo, for real? All over the world, there are people with fucked-up problems about them. It especially bums me out when I see kids with disorders and diseases so wild n’ out that they’re unable to grow up living a Maverick lifestyle, like myself and millions of my fans in the Logang do. This is why I want to give back,…

Bearded, Keffiyeh-Clad Jared Kushner Avoids Conflict Of Interest By Joining Saudi Royal Family

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—In an effort to be completely transparent about his business deals, a bearded, keffiyeh-clad Jared Kushner announced Friday that he would avoid conflicts of interest by joining the Saudi royal family. “The American people deserve to know exactly where I stand in regards to financial interests, so…

Thom Yorke Admits Vast Majority Of Musical Output Fueled By Constant Fear Of Being One-Upped By Coldplay

OXFORD, ENGLAND—In an uncharacteristically frank and revelatory discussion of his inspirations and creative process, Radiohead frontman and solo artist Thom Yorke admitted Thursday that the vast majority of music he makes is fueled solely by the constant fear of being one-upped by British rock band Coldplay. “When I…