‘These Kids Should Be In School Instead Of Protesting,’ Say People So Tantalizingly Close To Getting The Point
Starbucks To Close 8,000 Stores For Racial Bias Training
After a wave of protests in response to the arrest of two black customers in a Philadelphia store, global coffee chain said they will close 8,000 stores on May 29 to give employees racial bias training. What do you think?
Child At That Awkward Age Where No One Cares What He Thinks And He’s Constantly In The Way
HARTFORD, CT—Acknowledging that their second-grader had reached “that uncomfortable stage” far earlier than most of his peers, the parents of 8-year-old Kyle Fiedler confirmed Friday that he was at that awkward age where no one cares what he thinks and he’s constantly in the way. “Kyle’s just going through that phase…
Boss Wants To Know If You Can Work Late This Year
YOUR LOCATION—Explaining that staffing was a little tight right now and he would really appreciate the extra help, your boss was wondering Friday if you might be able to work late this year. “It’s obviously not required, but you’d be doing me a huge solid if you wouldn’t mind staying after hours for 12 months or so,”…
NASA Announces Plans To Place Giant Pair Of Shades On Sun
WASHINGTON—In an effort to make the solar system’s central star look as badass as possible, NASA officials announced Friday the agency’s plans to place a 864,600-mile-wide pair of shades on the sun. “With this mission, we’ll be taking a great leap forward in our understanding of how cool and chilled-out our sun really…
After An Island-Wide Blackout Left Millions Of Puerto Ricans Without Power, This Amazing Charity Air-Dropped Printouts Of The Most Epic Trump Takedowns On Twitter
Here’s heartwarming proof that some people will stop at nothing to offer help in a dire situation.
Puerto Rico was struck by disaster yet again Wednesday afternoon when an issue with a transmission tower caused the entire island to lose power. But in the face of this adversity, an incredible disaster relief…
Puerto Rico Hit By Island-Wide Blackout
Nearly seven months after Hurricane Maria, Puerto Rico has entirely lost power, with all 1.5 million electricity customers being plunged into darkness yet again. What do you think?
Dedication To The Faith: Pope Francis Stayed Up All Night Making A Squarespace Page For Catholicism
As the world leader of the Catholic Church, Pope Francis has completely dedicated his life to his faith, but what he did last night proves that the pope is willing to go well above and beyond the call of duty in service to his religion: Pope Francis stayed up all night making a Squarespace page for Catholicism.
Mike Pompeo Defects To North Korea After Learning About Kim Jong-Un’s Torture Program
PYONGYANG—Declaring that he has “finally, at long last, come home” to a society that properly aligns with his values, former C.I.A. director and U.S. Secretary of State candidate Mike Pompeo officially defected to the totalitarian nation Thursday after learning about Kim Jong-un’s torture program. “It’s amazing—the…
Dad Ready To Forgive Dixie Chicks
GLASGOW, KY—Declaring that enough time has passed for everyone to get on with their lives, father of two Albert Wrinn told reporters Thursday that he was ready to forgive crossover-country trio the Dixie Chicks for remarks critical of former President George W. Bush that were made on the eve of the Iraq invasion.…
Supreme Court Agrees To Hear New Jack White Album
WASHINGTON—In a landmark decision by the country’s highest judicial body, sources confirmed that the U.S. Supreme Court announced Thursday that it had agreed to hear the new Jack White album. “Having already established a precedent when we heard Lazaretto in 2014, we have decided to bring Boarding House Reach before…
Those Who Do Not Learn From History Are Doomed To Repeat The Renaissance
When we ignore the lessons learned by previous generations, we do so at our own peril. It is foolish, if not the height of hubris, to believe history has nothing to teach us. In our current age, one in which it can seem the world around us is being upended every day, we may be tempted to believe that what has gone on…
God Recalls Life-Changing Encounter With 8-Year-Old Boy Who Had Near-Death Experience
THE HEAVENS—Saying that the incident had a profound effect on Him and that He hasn’t been the same since, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, recalled Thursday his life-changing encounter with an 8-year-old boy who had a near-death experience. “I was standing there one day in the brightness of Eternal Life when…
Tips For Traveling Solo
Taking a trip alone may seem off-putting to some people, but others find it to be a more rewarding experience. The Onion offers tips for solo travel.
Mom Makes Sure Everyone Has Masturbated Before Long Car Ride
LANARK, IL—Adamant that there would be no unplanned pit stops until her family had reached its destination, local mom Mary Curran reportedly made sure that each of her teenage sons had masturbated to completion Thursday before a long car ride to their grandparents’ house. “It’s going to be three hours—maybe more with…
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