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Questions To Ask Yourself Before Starting A New Fad Diet

Terrifying Excuses Anti-Vaxxers Use To Avoid The Covid-19 Shot

Scientists Name Endangered Tree After Leonardo DiCaprio

Editorial Cartoon: ‘Hair, There, and Everywhere’

News In Brief

Chess App Allows Man To Waste Time On Phone But In Smart Way

BOSTON—Describing how the phone game had succeeded where others had failed, local man Peter Bolton told reporters Friday that the app Chess Ace allowed him to waste time on his phone but in a smart way. “It’s great, because instead of opening up…

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Walgreens Pharmacist Far Too Chipper Not To Be Selling Painkillers On The Side

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Man Tries To Regain Sense Of Control In Chaotic Universe By Learning To Juggle

BUFFALO, NY—Hoping to hold onto some semblance of purpose in an unfeeling void, local man Craig Ulrich reportedly tried to regain his sense of control in a chaotic universe Monday by learning to juggle. According to sources, in a desperate attempt…

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Man Gives Himself Little Treat For Getting Through Day

TRENTON, NJ—Saying it would be a nice way to unwind after a grueling eight hours at work, local man Patrick McCormick reportedly gave himself a little treat Wednesday for getting through the day. “Man, it’s really great to take the edge off with…

Infographic

Worst Traffic Jams Of All Time

Hundreds of drivers in Virginia were stuck for almost 24 hours earlier this week after a multi-truck crash was exacerbated by a blizzard. The Onion looks back at the worst traffic jams of all time.

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Lost Journal Entry Reveals Lewis And Clark Nearly Turned Back After Tripping Over Tree Root

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Man Can’t Help But Be Proud Of Strong Tortilla Chip

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CES Presenter Strangled By Tree Root As Nature Begins Revolt Against Technological Domination

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Biden Vows Not To Forget Lessons Of January 6: ‘We Must Hang Mike Pence’

Infographic

‘The Onion’ Remembers Betty White

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J.K. Rowling Apologizes For Not Making It Clear That Ron Weasley Is The Anti-Semitic Caricature

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Toddler Dies In Accidental Shooting After Finding Father’s Gun Under Pile Of Guns

Local

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Woman Puts Off Going To Doctor Until Disease Bad Enough For Him To Believe Her

MINNETONKA, MN—Admitting it really only made sense to schedule something once her symptoms were severe enough to elicit panic, local woman Kristen Perry told reporters she had put off going to the doctor until her disease was bad enough for him to…

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Man Mid-Shower Facing Grim Realization He’ll Have To Retrieve Face Wash He Left On Sink

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Man In 2055 Accidentally Uploads Virtual Penis Directly Into Colleagues’ Brains

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Toddler Cites Freedom Of Choice In Refusal To Use Potty

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Man Passing Through Small Town Whips Out Dating App To Gawk At Local Freaks

Politics

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Congress Preparing For Another January 6 By Enrolling In Group Karate Class

WASHINGTON—Nervously fiddling with their new white belts as they waited for their instructor in the training hall, U.S. Congress members reportedly prepared for another Jan. 6 on Thursday by participating in a group class at the D.C.-area True…

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U.S. Democracy Under Siege After Tech Lobbyist Invites Some Senators To Dinner

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Critics Warn Biden’s Plan To Remove Lead Pipes Would Put Millions Of Potential Murder Weapons In Circulation

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Biden Vows Not To Forget Lessons Of January 6: ‘We Must Hang Mike Pence’

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Political Analysts Say GOP Could Take House If A Few Key Assassinations Break Their Way

Videos

Image for We Invited Logan Paul And BTS To Collab On A Video With Us And They Crashed Into Each Other On The Way Over

Questions To Ask Yourself Before Starting A New Fad Diet

Terrifying Excuses Anti-Vaxxers Use To Avoid The Covid-19 Shot

Scientists Name Endangered Tree After Leonardo DiCaprio

Editorial Cartoon: ‘Hair, There, and Everywhere’

Chess App Allows Man To Waste Time On Phone But In Smart Way

Walgreens Pharmacist Far Too Chipper Not To Be Selling Painkillers On The Side

Man Tries To Regain Sense Of Control In Chaotic Universe By Learning To Juggle

Man Gives Himself Little Treat For Getting Through Day

Worst Traffic Jams Of All Time

Lost Journal Entry Reveals Lewis And Clark Nearly Turned Back After Tripping Over Tree Root

Man Can’t Help But Be Proud Of Strong Tortilla Chip

CES Presenter Strangled By Tree Root As Nature Begins Revolt Against Technological Domination

Biden Vows Not To Forget Lessons Of January 6: ‘We Must Hang Mike Pence’

‘The Onion’ Remembers Betty White

J.K. Rowling Apologizes For Not Making It Clear That Ron Weasley Is The Anti-Semitic Caricature

Toddler Dies In Accidental Shooting After Finding Father’s Gun Under Pile Of Guns

Woman Puts Off Going To Doctor Until Disease Bad Enough For Him To Believe Her

Man Mid-Shower Facing Grim Realization He’ll Have To Retrieve Face Wash He Left On Sink

Man In 2055 Accidentally Uploads Virtual Penis Directly Into Colleagues’ Brains

Toddler Cites Freedom Of Choice In Refusal To Use Potty

Man Passing Through Small Town Whips Out Dating App To Gawk At Local Freaks

Congress Preparing For Another January 6 By Enrolling In Group Karate Class

U.S. Democracy Under Siege After Tech Lobbyist Invites Some Senators To Dinner

Critics Warn Biden’s Plan To Remove Lead Pipes Would Put Millions Of Potential Murder Weapons In Circulation

Biden Vows Not To Forget Lessons Of January 6: ‘We Must Hang Mike Pence’

Political Analysts Say GOP Could Take House If A Few Key Assassinations Break Their Way

Worst Things You Can Say To Your Rideshare Driver

Things To Never Say When Explaining Death To A Child

Worst Instagram Captions To Announce Your Engagement

Most Frequent Porn Searches By State

Hey Gamers, We Know We Can Sometimes Be A Little One-Note About Gaming So If You Ever Want To Talk About Something Else, Like Baking Or Whatever, Just Know We’re Down

Games Bring People Together: We Don’t Have Any Specific Story Right Now That Proves This Point, But We Wanted To Express The General Sentiment

Bad News Gamers: It Appears Now Is Not The Time For Idle Merriment

Be Cool, For Once, Gamers: Mrs. Thompson Said We Might Get to Play ‘Minecraft’ If We Finish The Quiz By 11:45

We Invited Logan Paul And BTS To Collab On A Video With Us And They Crashed Into Each Other On The Way Over

How Do Self-Driving Cars Avoid Driving Straight To The Beach?

Scientists Say One Day Dropping Your Phone In The Toilet Could Also Recharge It

The Onion Reviews 'Licorice Pizza'

Look At This Chart. What If It Means Something Bad?

Coming To Terms With Being Stuck On A Treadmill That Keeps Getting Faster And Faster

‘The Onion’ Remembers Betty White

J.K. Rowling Apologizes For Not Making It Clear That Ron Weasley Is The Anti-Semitic Caricature

Star High School Quarterback Blissfully Unaware He’ll Be Jets Starter 4 Years From Now

Pro Athletes Share Their Favorite Holiday Traditions

Disheveled Mr. Met Spends Lockout Sadly Breakdancing For Tips On 7 Train

Somewhat Athletic Couple Gives Birth To Potential Division III Lacrosse Player

Covid Vaccinations Quadruple In Quebec Ahead Of Liquor, Cannabis Store Restrictions

Scientists Name Endangered Tree After Leonardo DiCaprio

Pope Chides ‘Selfish’ Couples Who Choose Pets Over Children

2022 Grammy Awards Postponed