Onion Social CEO Rebukes 480,000 Crimes At International Criminal Tribunal Including Illegal Surveillance, Insider Trading, Mass Murder, Indecent Exposure

THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS—In a fierce and heated defense of his conduct while running the world’s largest and most respected social media company, Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum rebuked 480,000 International Criminal Court charges in testimony Thursday, including illegal surveillance, insider trading, mass murder,…

Onion Social CEO Appears Before Hague Tribunal To Be Tried For Crimes Against Humanity, Promote New Website Features

THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS—Called before the International Criminal Court to address charges of breaching the Geneva Conventions as well as to publicize the game-changing innovations his website has recently introduced, Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum appeared before a Hague tribunal Thursday to be tried for crimes…

Recently Uncovered Passage From Book Of Revelation Shows That Prophet Foresaw ‘Violent Reign Of Red-Headed Boy-King’

PATMOS, GREECE—In a stunning discovery that has Biblical scholars across the world racing for an interpretation, archaeologists from the University of Cambridge found a hitherto unseen passage from the Book of Revelation Thursday in which the prophet John of Patmos foresaw the “violent reign of the red-headed…

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Political Scientists Baffled By Trump’s Ability To End Something He Had No Control Over Just Days Ago

NEW HAVEN, CT—At a loss to explain the mysterious nature of the president’s powers, political scientists were reportedly baffled Wednesday by Donald Trump’s ability to end the practice of separating families who cross the U.S. border seeking asylum mere days after stating that he had no control over it. “Just…

Exonerated: This Convicted Murderer Was Released From Prison After 20 Years When An Online Quiz Sorted Him Into Gryffindor

When Walter Anderson was convicted of murdering a convenience store clerk two decades ago, it seemed like he would be in prison for the rest of his life. However, an incredible nonprofit pressured the courts to revisit Walter’s case, and thanks to new forensic tools, he received some incredible news: After spending 20…

Americans Finally Recognize Own Country Again After President Does Half-Assed Job Walking Back Humanitarian Crimes

WASHINGTON—Claiming that the newly signed executive order ending the separation of immigrant families at the border was a return to the United States’ most foundational principles, Americans reportedly finally recognized their own country again Wednesday after witnessing the president do a half-assed job walking back…