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Fiery Stephen A. Smith: ‘Luka Doncic Will Never Be A Superstar Unless He Played Well In Last Night’s Game, Which I Missed’

Arizona GOP Censures Anti-Trump Republicans

‘Life Is But Suffering, Pain, And Misery,’ Whispers Meditative Adam Silver Amid NBA Covid Outbreak

Editorial Cartoon: ‘Get Up And Joe?’

News in Brief

Disguised Amazon Drone Sneaks Into Worker Meeting To Disrupt Union Talk

BESSEMER, AL—Quietly gliding into a corner of the room as the rest of the warehouse employees filed in, a disguised Amazon drone reportedly snuck into a worker meeting Monday to disrupt union talks. “Hey guys, I don’t know about all this union…

News in Brief

Wise, Thoughtful Elder Won’t Put A Sock In It

The Topical

Congress Investigating Why Capitol Dome’s Atomic Vaporizing Ray Wasn’t Deployed To Eviscerate Rioters

Hear why Congress is still looking for answers as to why this crucial defense system wasn’t used to melt rioters’ eyeballs right out of their skulls and incinerate their bodies instantly.

News in Brief

Janet Yellen Clears Key Confirmation Hurdle After Correctly Identifying $5 Bill In Blind Taste Test

WASHINGTON—With a 26-0 vote of approval from the Senate Finance Committee, treasury secretary nominee Janet Yellen cleared a key confirmation hurdle Friday after correctly identifying a $5 bill in a blind taste test. “I’m definitely detecting notes…

Infographic

Biden’s Plans For His First 100 Days

Following his inauguration, speculation has turned to what President Joe Biden will do with his first 100 days in office. The Onion takes a deep dive into the first 100 days of the Biden administration.

News in Brief

Report: Lincoln Memorial Most Powerful Testament To Nation’s Passion For Sitting Down

Illustration for Tearful Justin Trudeau Chains Self To Keystone Pipeline To Stop Biden Administration From Destroying Oil Industry Heritage Site

News in Brief

Tearful Justin Trudeau Chains Self To Keystone Pipeline To Stop Biden Administration From Destroying Oil Industry Heritage Site

News in Brief

Area Man Knows Nothing Good Ever Happens When Godzilla, King Kong Find Themselves In Same Movie

Politics

News in Brief

Report: Lincoln Memorial Most Powerful Testament To Nation’s Passion For Sitting Down

WASHINGTON—Confirming the monument’s resonance endured a century after its construction, a new report released Monday found that the Lincoln Memorial remained the most powerful testament to the nation’s passion for sitting down. “The Lincoln…

Slideshow

‘The Onion’ Salutes The Courageous Legislators Determined To Overturn The Will Of Voters

News In Photos

Horrified Biden Family Discovers Rotting, Months-Old Corpse Of Jeff Sessions In White House Executive Residence

News in Brief

Reluctant Democrats Holding Off On Revealing Biden Died Of Heart Attack 6 Days Ago

News in Brief

Secret Service Agent Heroically Dives In Front Of Strong Breeze That Could Have Killed Biden

The Topical

Congress Investigating Why Capitol Dome’s Atomic Vaporizing Ray Wasn’t Deployed To Eviscerate Rioters

The Topical

UFC Announces Their Athletes Will Now Be Allowed To Fight Each Other Through The Court Of Law

The Topical

Secret Service Agent Heroically Dives In Front Of Strong Breeze That Could Have Killed Biden

Local

News in Brief

Archaeologists Uncover Separate Team Of Archaeologists Digging Towards Them From Other Side Of Globe

MENDOZA, ARGENTINA—Announcing that they had made an astounding once-in-a-lifetime discovery, a team of archaeologists from Rutgers University Thursday reportedly uncovered a separate team of archaeologists digging toward them from the other side of…

News in Brief

Up-And-Coming White Supremacist Added To FBI’s Terrorists To Watch List

Slideshows

Slideshow

State-By-State Covid-19 Restrictions

Slideshow

Looking Back On The Onion’s First 15,000 Years Of Coronavirus Coverage

Slideshow

The Best NBA Players Of All Time

Slideshow

Top 12 Rules For Our Man Cave That Were Too Laxly Enforced In 2020

News

Know Your Rights: If A Cop Asks You To Stop Gaming, You Don’t Have To

News

Rumors Confirmed: IO Interactive Confirms Agent 47’s Barcode Brings Up Del Monte Whole Green Beans When Scanned

Illustration for Still Time: The PS5s In This Ancient Cave Painting Foretelling The End Of The Earth Look Like Some Kind Of Unreleased PS5 Slim Edition

News

Still Time: The PS5s In This Ancient Cave Painting Foretelling The End Of The Earth Look Like Some Kind Of Unreleased PS5 Slim Edition

Illustration for Our Annual Year: Best Of Onion Gamers Network

Slideshow

Fiery Stephen A. Smith: ‘Luka Doncic Will Never Be A Superstar Unless He Played Well In Last Night’s Game, Which I Missed’

Photo Finish

Fiery Stephen A. Smith: ‘Luka Doncic Will Never Be A Superstar Unless He Played Well In Last Night’s Game, Which I Missed’

Arizona GOP Censures Anti-Trump Republicans

‘Life Is But Suffering, Pain, And Misery,’ Whispers Meditative Adam Silver Amid NBA Covid Outbreak

Editorial Cartoon: ‘Get Up And Joe?’

Disguised Amazon Drone Sneaks Into Worker Meeting To Disrupt Union Talk

Wise, Thoughtful Elder Won’t Put A Sock In It

Congress Investigating Why Capitol Dome’s Atomic Vaporizing Ray Wasn’t Deployed To Eviscerate Rioters

Janet Yellen Clears Key Confirmation Hurdle After Correctly Identifying $5 Bill In Blind Taste Test

Biden’s Plans For His First 100 Days

Report: Lincoln Memorial Most Powerful Testament To Nation’s Passion For Sitting Down

Tearful Justin Trudeau Chains Self To Keystone Pipeline To Stop Biden Administration From Destroying Oil Industry Heritage Site

Area Man Knows Nothing Good Ever Happens When Godzilla, King Kong Find Themselves In Same Movie

Inaugural Address Spills Over Into Second Day As Biden Continues To List Greatest Issues Facing Nation

Trump Directs Movers Loading Bubble-Wrapped Melania Into Storage Pod

Jerry Seinfeld Destitute After Purchasing $950 Million Car

Jane Goodall Announces She All About Lizards Now

Report: Lincoln Memorial Most Powerful Testament To Nation’s Passion For Sitting Down

‘The Onion’ Salutes The Courageous Legislators Determined To Overturn The Will Of Voters

Horrified Biden Family Discovers Rotting, Months-Old Corpse Of Jeff Sessions In White House Executive Residence

Reluctant Democrats Holding Off On Revealing Biden Died Of Heart Attack 6 Days Ago

Secret Service Agent Heroically Dives In Front Of Strong Breeze That Could Have Killed Biden

Congress Investigating Why Capitol Dome’s Atomic Vaporizing Ray Wasn’t Deployed To Eviscerate Rioters

UFC Announces Their Athletes Will Now Be Allowed To Fight Each Other Through The Court Of Law

Secret Service Agent Heroically Dives In Front Of Strong Breeze That Could Have Killed Biden

Archaeologists Uncover Separate Team Of Archaeologists Digging Towards Them From Other Side Of Globe

Man Excited To Get Tattoo That Will One Day Be Used To Identify His Corpse

Bingo Much Less Competitive Lately

Child Weirded Out After Bumping Into Teacher Outside Laptop

Up-And-Coming White Supremacist Added To FBI’s Terrorists To Watch List

State-By-State Covid-19 Restrictions

Looking Back On The Onion’s First 15,000 Years Of Coronavirus Coverage

The Best NBA Players Of All Time

Top 12 Rules For Our Man Cave That Were Too Laxly Enforced In 2020

Know Your Rights: If A Cop Asks You To Stop Gaming, You Don’t Have To

Rumors Confirmed: IO Interactive Confirms Agent 47’s Barcode Brings Up Del Monte Whole Green Beans When Scanned

Still Time: The PS5s In This Ancient Cave Painting Foretelling The End Of The Earth Look Like Some Kind Of Unreleased PS5 Slim Edition

Our Annual Year: Best Of Onion Gamers Network

Trump’s Lame-Duck Plans

History Of Demonstrations On The Capitol

Tips For Using Google Maps

Lessons From The Trump Era

Jerry Seinfeld Destitute After Purchasing $950 Million Car

Vince Gilligan Reunites With Bryan Cranston For New Breakfast Bar

Nation Tells Drake They’ll Get Around To Looking At His New Haircut When Things Less Hectic

The Onion’s Holiday TV Guide: Movies And Shows To Watch This Season

Fiery Stephen A. Smith: ‘Luka Doncic Will Never Be A Superstar Unless He Played Well In Last Night’s Game, Which I Missed’

‘Life Is But Suffering, Pain, And Misery,’ Whispers Meditative Adam Silver Amid NBA Covid Outbreak

NFL Conference Championships: Keys To The Matchups

NBA Fans Admit They Could Have Used Longer Break From Chris Webber

National Guard May Deploy Up To 20,000 Troops To DC For Biden Inauguration

Bill Belichick Declines Medal Of Freedom From Trump

‘Sex And The City’ Reboot Will Not Include Kim Cattrall

Hallmark Asks Senators Hawley And Marshall To Return Political Donations