LocalWhite Women Explain Why They Love FallWhether it’s the crisp air, changing leaves, or seasonal beverages, autumn is popular with the Caucasian ladies. The Onion asked white women to explain why they love fall, and this is what they said.
Breaking NewsWhole Foods Closes 6 More Stores After Customer Tries Blueberry Without Paying For ItAUSTIN, TX—Ascribing the decision to prioritizing the safety of the chain’s employees and customers, grocery retailer Whole Foods announced Thursday that they would be closing 6 more stores across the country after a customer tried a blueberry…
EntertainmentBjörk Sells Music Catalog Rights To Forest Elf In Exchange For Enchanted Crystal ToadREYKJAVIK, ICELAND—Inking the deal to transfer ownership of her work to the mythical creature, Björk sold her entire music catalog Thursday to a woodland elf in exchange for an enchanted crystal toad. “After careful consideration of whom to entrust…
Breaking NewsHamburger Helper Unveils New Line Of Erotic Casseroles Meant To Be Eaten Off Naked BodyCLEVELAND—Debuting what the company described as a completely-new way to enjoy the brand’s signature boxed dinners, packaged food product mainstay Hamburger Helper unveiled a line of erotic casseroles Thursday that is intended to be eaten off naked…
EntertainmentHayao Miyazaki Announces Return To Filmmaking After Big Time Screwup At New HVAC Installation Job
MagazineGeneration Derek: Born Between 5:04 And 5:05 P.M. On April 9, 1980, Meet The Generation That’s Just One Guy
LocalCouple Pities Man Eating Alone Instead Of In Complete Silence With Person He Can’t Stand Anymore
LocalWhat To Say To A Child If They Don’t Believe In GodDiscussing spirituality with a young person can be difficult, and that might only become more difficult if they’re questioning the existence of a higher power. Here are some strategies on what to say to a child if they don’t believe in God.
PoliticsRepublicans Explain Why They Should Be Trump’s Running MateWhile Donald Trump has yet to pick a running mate for 2024, several notable individuals are aggressively vying for the role. The Onion asked Republicans why they should be Trump’s VP, and this is what they said.
PoliticsSnickering Teen Angels Appear Before Mike Pence To Tell Him It’s Totally God’s Will To Keep Running For President
PoliticsZelensky Grabs Whatever Office Supplies He Can Get Hands On In Capitol, Saying He Needs It For War
MagazineGeneration Derek: Born Between 5:04 And 5:05 P.M. On April 9, 1980, Meet The Generation That’s Just One Guy
EntertainmentHayao Miyazaki Announces Return To Filmmaking After Big Time Screwup At New HVAC Installation Job
