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Entertainment

Quiz: How Much Do You Know About Taylor Swift?

Test your knowledge of one of the highest-grossing singer-songwriters of all time by passing this quiz on Taylor Swift.

Breaking News

Study Finds Drinking Children’s Blood No More Effective Than Regular Blood At Achieving Eternal Life

Football

NFL Introduces New Helmet Designed To Protect Players’ Wives

NEW YORK—Attributing the move to its need to address a long-standing safety concern, the NFL introduced a new helmet this week designed to protect players’ wives. “These new helmets are specially designed to withstand repeated blows and to protect…

Local

Couple Ends Mutual Silent Treatment To Bond Over Disdain For Arrogant ‘Chopped’ Contestant

SPOKANE, WA—No longer able to suppress their percolating irritation with the self-described “culinary prodigy,” local couple Kevin Cochran and Tina Hayes reportedly ended their mutual silent treatment Thursday to bond over their shared disdain for…

Breaking News

Scientists Announce Earth’s Core Can Play Blu-Rays

CAMBRIDGE, MA—In what is being hailed as a major breakthrough in the field of geological research, scientists from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology announced Thursday they had discovered that the Earth’s core can play Blu-rays. “As far as…

Opinion

Men Explain Why They Are Obsessed With The Roman Empire

Local

Annoyed Murderer Starting To Worry Woman Never Going To Check Behind Shower Curtain

Local

R&B Song Clearly Started With Drip Sound Effect And Worked Backwards

Watch

Ron DeSantis Announces He Will Live As Slave For One Year To Prove It Not Bad

Texas Launches Outreach Program To Provide Troubled Teens With Assault Rifles

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Department Of Transportation Announces $1 Billion Investment In Horses

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Biden Asks Americans To Come Sit By Him And Keep Him Company Until The End

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Archaeologists Uncover Living Guy By Mistake

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Opinion

Obesity Study Finds 36% Of Americans One Deep Breath Away From Pants Popping Open

Breaking News

Report: Habsburgs Stopped Inbreeding One Generation Short Of Producing Perfect Human Specimen

Local

8-Year-Old Makes Adorable Presentation To Parents About Why He Needs Gun To Kill Classmates

Local

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Local

Archrival Not Successful Either

CHICAGO—Locked in what couldn’t exactly be called a power struggle, local man Joe Horochowski confirmed Tuesday that his archrival Kyle Wall was not successful either. “I always dreaded things working out for him more than me, but, honestly, it’s…

Local

Impatient Guitar Student Asks How Long Until He Gets To Sleep With Teenagers

Local

Parents Sit Adopted Child Down To Explain Why He So Much Uglier Than Them

Local

Man Ultimately Grateful He Chose To Go To Friend’s Wedding Instead Of Capitol Riot

Local

Family Unaware Dad’s Fallout Bunker Only Has Enough Supplies For One Survivor

Politics

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Infographic

Pros And Cons Of Impeaching Joe Biden

House Speaker Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) called for a formal impeachment inquiry into President Joe Biden for corruption related to his alleged role in his son Hunter’s overseas business dealings. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of impeaching the…