Known for its safety, great schools, and affordable housing, Raleigh is the perfect place for your children to still gradually grow to resent you for reasons entirely beyond your control. Enjoy the mild climate as your kids direct their bitterness toward you in the city’s revitalized downtown or on its quiet, tree-lined residential streets. Just give in—there’s no stopping their ire here or anywhere else.
Your family has been raising children while moving back and forth between these naval bases for two generations now, and look how you turned out. Your kids will get over it. You’re a commanding officer, and you should be damn proud of that.
You’re probably clicking through this list hoping to see someplace cool, like New York or San Francisco. You’re hoping you can raise your kids somewhere safe and affordable without sacrificing great restaurants and decent public transportation. Well, guess what? It’s not going to happen. You’re a parent now. It’s Wilkes-Barre or Binghamton for you.
Featuring complete privacy, no police presence, and an abundance of unclaimed land perfect for erecting your compound, this unincorporated township 50 miles due south of Butte is an ideal place to gather your brood and submit to God’s glory. You know His word is true, so heed it in this beautiful gift of wilderness. But prepare always for those in positions of government who would stand between you and your devotion to Him. The sword may need to be drawn.
Boasting a world-class education system, low crime rate, and high standard of living that all far exceed those of corresponding American cities, some town in Norway or Switzerland or Denmark or one of those fucking places is the ideal place to raise children. It’s probably called Szlabörg or some shit like that.
Your children’s godparents clearly know how to raise a family. Just look at their two girls—bright, friendly, motivated kids who seem to really enjoy spending time with their parents. Ensuring that your children grow up in such a loving, supportive environment is as easy as dying.
Nothing brings you and your children together quite like embarking on a whirlwind music career as a traveling family band, playing infectious pop-rock tunes to grateful audiences across the country and spending every night in the back of a 1969 VW bus. What’s stopping you? Just hand-make the matching jumpsuits and get out on the road!
Boasting shelter from predators and offering plenty of food, the interior of a rotting log is the perfect place to lay your eggs and, after they hatch, raise your 40,000 larvae as they grow and eventually molt.
Offering private tutors, world-class tennis coaches, and a safe, nurturing environment, literally anywhere you go if you and your partner each make more than $100,000 per year has quickly become one of the most popular places to raise a family. Your child has everything he or she needs—namely, the vast opportunities afforded by money—right in the town you currently live in, or in any other place, really, so long as you fall into the appropriate income bracket. Enjoy!