10 Mistakes New Parents Always Make

At bedtime, parents often neglect to properly wrap up their newborn infant in enough aluminum foil.

If you’re a new parent who is always feeding your child crumpled-up balls of wet paper, don’t worry—you’re certainly not alone! Next time, though, try breast milk, formula, or pureed foods.

You know you’re driving behind a new parent when you see an infant crawling around the bed of a pickup truck.

During those crucial first few months, it’s important for parents not to lose sight of their baby even for a second. Many a new mother and father has left the room for only a couple minutes and returned to find their child replaced by ubiquitous character actor James Cromwell.

Don’t make this common parenting misstep: forgetting to remind your daughter that you are her father now, that she’s going to start a new life living with you because you love her very much, and that she won’t see her old mommy and daddy again.

Perhaps because of the adverse response it elicits from the child, many parents assume their infant is allergic to air horns. But don’t run to the emergency room, because it’s impossible for someone to be allergic to a sound. It’s important to keep looking for the actual cause of the allergy.

While many believe such behavior will not have long-term negative consequences for their child, research says it can be very disruptive to development when parents frequently fight crime in front of their newborn child.

Many new Andromedan parents try to teach their children a second language after Talimian. Unless Semil or Niburan is already spoken in the house, this will often stunt a young Andromedan’s communication skills and should be left to the appointed teaching faction.

Quite often new mothers and fathers will screw up by looking for parenting advice from a fucking slideshow.