Sad? Don’t be. This turtle isn’t some innocent creature whose majestic life was cut short by an insidious plastic ring. He’s a good-for-nothing son of a bitch who has done some horrible shit beyond your wildest imagination.
That’s right, this sea turtle, or Chelonia mydas, deserves every second he’s spent swimming sideways in his lopsided, misshapen shell. He may look innocent, but the bastard strangled his wife and children to death and laughed the whole time.
Nope, you won’t be getting any of that “save the endangered species” bullshit here. That’s what this 35-year-old giant sea turtle gets for defying international law and selling sensitive state secrets to Bashar al-Assad’s evil regime in Syria.
Well, well, well, looks like karma’s a bitch. While working as a police officer in the Houston area, this sea turtle regularly harassed and choked out black civilians. But guess what, officer? Who is cuffed now?
Fact: This turtle will die in unbearable, excruciating pain. And that’s all the better because he started a massive ponzi scheme and cheated thousands of families out of their entire life’s savings. The asshole put babies on the streets.
Frankly, it’s sad this sea turtle can only live up to 50 years, because he deserves to be in prison for 200. While working as a high school vice principal at an elite, inner-city prep school, he molested dozens of children under the guise of mentorship. Monster.
So, this turtle just gave a home loan to a family who clearly couldn’t afford to pay it off. Maybe he doesn’t deserve to die—and hopefully someone helps him out eventually—but there’s still something nice about seeing some retribution.
Dear Paige family, although this turtle was never brought to justice for killing your daughter in that senseless accident, rest assured, these rings ensure the scumbag will never drive drunk again. While this won’t bring your daughter back, we hope it brings you some solace.
The truth is, if you feel sad when you look at this, you’re the monster. This turtle served as a Nazi guard at Bergen-Belsen for five years, and during that time led thousands of innocent Jews to their deaths in gas chambers. So, the next time you think about snipping up a plastic ring? Remember he evaded prosecution by migrating to the Galapagos.
Whoops, no hate for this little guy. The worst thing this guy ever did was enjoy autoerotic asphyxiation. Carry on, bud! Carry on.