While the days grow increasingly tedious and mind-numbing, The Onion’s team of underpaid mixologists have crafted 11 perfect drinks to help you survive social distancing.
Frozen Strawberry Daiquiri: How do you even have the ingredients for a tropical drink like this? If you have fresh fruit and access to citrus, you should consider not wasting them on a cocktail. Jesus. We’re in a pandemic.
The JonBenét Ramsey: This is your classic Shirley Temple with a twist: Simply mix grenadine, a maraschino cherry, lemon-lime soda, and enough Scotch to make the unforgivable mistake of wetting the bed.
Pre-Unemployment Memories: Mix 2 ounces of your most expensive liquor left with simple syrup and lime juice in a cocktail shaker with ice. Pour the mixture directly down the drain.
Old Fashioned: Add 2 ounces of whiskey, wait, no, rum. Wait, never mind, we were right the first time, add whiskey. Then maybe a dash of lemon juice? Or bitters? Maybe a little of both, and see where that gets you? Then like, simple syrup or something. Fuck, why is this so hard to remember?
Gin And Piss: Need to come down from a tough week at the (virtual) office? Cool off with a summery glass of gin and piss, the perfect blend of piney and salty. Consume a large amount of pineapple juice a couple days before for a sweeter drink.
A Tirana Twist: Fill your bathtub with water. Put an elderly Albanian man inside. Let him marinate for 3 to 4 days in the tub until he is nice and pruney. Ladle out the water, and serve over ice with a lemon garnish.
On The Rocks, Neat: This one’s just water.
Sweet Release: Pour 1.5 ounces gin, 0.5 ounce lime juice, and 0.5 ounce simple syrup into a tumbler glass. Slowly squeeze the tumbler glass. Keep squeezing, feeling the fear, the anxiety, the frustration course through you. Continue squeezing. You’re angry and afraid. Feel the glass start to crack between your fingers. Keep squeezing. Squeeze as hard as you fucking can.
Hard Orange Juice: Take 12 ounces of orange juice and let it ferment on a warm counter for 4 weeks uncovered until the smell stings your nose and the liquid has turned clumpy. Enjoy.
Gin Martini: Pour 3 ounces gin and 0.5 ounce vermouth into a shaker filled with, crap—should have bought an ice tray before this whole coronavirus mess. Ok, pour 3 ounces gin and 0.5 ounce vermouth into a shaker filled with frozen green beans. Shake and strain through a pasta colander. Garnish with green beans.
Hoboken: A Hoboken contains all the same ingredients as a Manhattan, but they traditionally forgo the cherry garnish in favor of a small, mouthy longshoreman set on the rim.