Doctor: Among the country’s top-paying professionals are doctors, the broad category of medical practitioners who tell people how they will die. Doctors receive years of training to examine patients and figure out what will kill them, such as cancer or a genetic defect. For determining how patients will become a corpse, doctors can make $150,000 a year or more.
Investment Banker: With a lifelong interest in philanthropy and giving, investment bankers are individuals who put off their dreams of starting a nonprofit to enter the financial sector. Most investment bankers spend years analyzing and buying securities while always secretly thinking about how much they’d like to start their own nonprofit, though they never do, leaving their life’s passion forever unfulfilled.
Engineer: Engineers are highly sought after and regularly earn six-figure salaries for performing work that, in all reality, you’re not smart enough to do. While you may claim to be more interested in career fields requiring creativity and intuition, the fact is that you just don’t have the abilities to be an engineer and you know it. Let’s be frank here: You wouldn’t even be able to learn the necessary skills if you tried, however much you attempt to delude yourself.
Big Fancy Business Man: A big fancy business man is a person who puts on a big fancy business suit and shiny business shoes to have special meetings with other similarly dressed people with nice hair and ties. A typical big fancy business man spends his days getting out of the backseats of taxis while on the phone, saying the phrase, “I want those revenue projections,” and either sitting around a big shiny table or standing in front of a big shiny table. Big fancy business men earn a lot of money because they’re so important.
Pharmacist: Earning $115,000 on average, pharmacists are health care technicians who get in the way of people obtaining drugs they very much want but have not been prescribed. These holier-than-thou pricks work behind counters where they process prescriptions and act as a barrier between individuals and the pills that they need just a couple of, that’s all. Pharmacists could easily slip people a few Oxy or Adderall pills but don’t due to some goddamn embedded sense of superiority.
Randy Newman: One of the most lucrative professions in America, being Randy Newman entails penning dozens of hit satirical or heartwarming pop songs such as “Political Science,” “Sail Away,” and “Feels Like Home.” While those in the field make millions of dollars per year from a combined base salary of licensing and record sales, it is a notoriously crowded industry, which can make breaking in difficult.
Flamestopper: Specially trained emergency responders whose job is to stop the spread of all types of flames, from house flames, to forest flames, to industrial flames.
Antiques Dealer: Antiques dealers are cheats and frauds who prey on the uneducated masses with trumped-up price tags and conniving salesmanship. Luring in unsuspecting collectors with vintage goods and ephemera, these unscrupulous swindlers sell their trinkets at huge markups. There is no lowlife more vile and more crooked than an antiques dealer.
Criminologist: Ornithologists who study crimes rather than birds. Criminologists spend their days poring over different types of birds and why they behave the way they do, but the birds are criminals instead of birds.
Air Traffic Controller: Trained in the highly specialized radar equipment needed to schedule flight departures and landings, an air traffic controller is an airport employee who will never, ever achieve his dream of being a pilot. Though he knows the aviation industry front to back and has developed many skills that apply to the cockpit, it’s just not going to happen, so he has to swallow his pride and keep communicating with pilots who he sees soaring triumphant and free in the sky above.
Astronaut: Astronauts are highly skilled members of a spaceflight mission trained to go into space, look at it, and return home. After completing degrees in engineering or physical science and undergoing hundreds of hours of training, astronauts are finally able to travel to space, where they view it out the window for a given period of time before returning to earth and telling everyone what it was like.
The Secretary Of Housing And Urban Development: The nation’s Housing Secretary is the perfect job for a cold and calculating individual who would stab absolutely anyone in the back to be president themselves. The position is traditionally filled by a shrewd, deceitful individual who can picture himself or herself in that beautiful Oval Office right now and is actively plotting ways to make it happen.