WASHINGTON—Asserting that beverage manufacturers should really make more of an effort to reach their overlooked demographic, America’s 18-to-35-year-old white males confirmed Monday that they are still searching for the perfect way to quench their thirst. “For decades, we’ve been looking for a beverage targeted just to us,” said 22-year-old Marcus Baker, who, along with millions of his fellow young white men living in the United States, longs for a beverage that contains the refreshing fizziness of soda, the invigorating caffeination of an energy drink, and the hydrating effects of water all wrapped up in a product targeted directly at them with a dedicated multi-media marketing campaign. “If some awesome new drink burst through the fog of our current, boring drink options, then we would absolutely consume that drink. Perhaps it could be specifically formulated, and more importantly promoted, as a beverage for chugging after a workout or sipping at a bar when you’re on a date—or both. As long as it’s refreshing and light with no aftertaste, we would be interested.” At press time, the disappointed young white male demographic stocked up on Mountain Dew, Gatorade, Red Bull, Coca-Cola, Starbucks Iced Espresso Classics, La Croix, Bacardi, Vitamin Water, Mountain Dew Code Red, and Coors Light in preparation for the weekend.

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