20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

November 12, 1993

J.K. Rowling begins writing down the weird dreams she’s been having about living candy


April 8, 1996

After being passed over dozens of times, Rowling finally finds a publisher that isn’t too chicken to make billions of dollars and launch a cultural juggernaut

October 1, 1998:

Harry Potter And The Sorcerer’s Stone is published in the U.S. after the careful translation of dustbin to trash can, mum to mom, and tosser to motherfucker


September 19, 2002

The actor who played Hedwig in the first two films dies and producers scramble to cast a replacement


July 16, 2005

Philadelphia native Brian Slack chooses the wrong night to pick up the new Chuck Klosterman


October 20, 2007

Rowling mentions offhand during a Q&A session that Harry has not been circumcised


February 3, 2008

Harry Potter And The Undead Lair, the much-anticipated sequel to Harry Potter And The Rose Of Defeat is published on HarryPotterFanFiction.com, finally resolving a storyline about a dementor sucking off Hagrid


May 2, 2009

Leaked financials reveal that Hogwarts makes almost $90 million annually from their unpaid Quidditch program


November 19, 2010

Due to its rich plot, Warner Brothers executives decide to divide the final installment of the series into two fiscal years


July 6, 2011

14-year-old Olivia Helms tells friends that the Sorting Hat quiz put her in Gryffindor after being sorted into Slytherin


July 31, 2016

J.K. Rowling releases her first stage play, Harry Potter And The Cursed Child, as a favor to her local bookstore


June 26, 2017

Bible is still the bestselling book of all time, you fucking heathens


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