Keys to the Matchup: Germany
Argentina defeated Germany in the World Cup in 1986, but Germany responded in kind four years later, and none of this is relevant because both of those games took place over two fucking decades ago
Throw off Argentina’s defenders by having every player, coach, and fan in the stadium fake a shot and run over the ball before a free kick
Goalkeeper Manuel Neuer will need to be strong and composed if he is to stop Lionel Messi from entering the field of play
Counter Argentina’s counterattacks with quick counterattacks
Manager Joachim Löw can motivate his players by showing them inspirational German film Der Krieger Und Die Kaiserin before the match
Defenders must tightly mark Argentina players jockeying for position to get a better view of Messi dribbling the ball
If it comes down to penalty kicks, players must remember to stand in the middle of the field with their arms around one another
The narrative of Messi winning the World Cup and being recognized as the greatest soccer player ever would be so perfect, so c’mon, don’t ruin that for everyone