2015 NFL Season Preview

PublishedSeptember 10, 2015

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The 2015 NFL season is poised to be among the most memorable and eventful in league history, with several of the notable moments hopefully occurring on the field. Onion Sports breaks down everything you need to know before the season kicks off.

AFC TEAMS TO WATCH
Pittsburgh Steelers: Offseason departure of Troy Polamalu and addition of Michael Vick shows the team’s newfound commitment to criminal offense

Buffalo Bills: The Bills’ first winning season in a decade has set sky-high expectations for a third-place finish in AFC East

Baltimore Ravens: The team will be placing their faith in Joe Flacco’s contract to carry them to the Super Bowl

Cleveland Browns: Once again absolutely stacked with question marks

New England Patriots: The Patriots benefit from a favorable schedule, as the dark star aligns with the Western sky, giving powerful rise to the great evil that lay dormant in the breast of man, right around Week 8

NFC TEAMS TO WATCH
Philadelphia Eagles: Trainers are confident that Sam Bradford’s exoskeleton will be hardened in time for season opener

New Orleans Saints: The Saints coaching staff will be wondering how many points the defense has to give up before they quietly float the idea of a bounty program again

San Francisco 49ers: Still trying to fill 6 open roster spots on defense

Chicago Bears: Fans need to occasionally remind themselves that Jay Cutler is a human being with feelings

Dallas Cowboys: Expected to dominate the middle of the season, when early-season suspensions are over and late-season suspensions have yet to be handed down

NFL COACHING CHANGES
Gary Kubiak: The Broncos should easily transition from John Fox’s dumbfounded stare to Kubiak’s dumbfounded stare

Tony Sparano: Recently hired by the 49ers as the Interim-Head-Coach-in-waiting

Todd Bowles: Bowles will have to satisfy a passionate Jets fan base that won’t give up on the team until at least Week 2

Jack Del Rio: The Raiders’ new head coach spent the offseason perfecting the cadence and delivery of “We just got outmatched out there today”

John Fox: The former Broncos head coach is confident he can help Jay Cutler match all of Peyton Manning’s playoff failures

Rex Ryan: After his tumultuous tenure with the Jets, Buffalo will finally give Ryan a clean slate to fuck up

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AFC PLAYERS TO WATCH: Marcus Mariota

Strength: Impressive lack of rape accusations and assault convictions
Weakness: Willing to do anything within rules of game to win

College Career: Success at Oregon led to school retiring 17 alternate versions of his jersey

Goal: Challenge Andrew Luck as AFC’s top gentleman

Number Of GMs Who Mentioned His Clean-Cut, Likable Character In Draft War Room: 0

Biggest Challenge: Adjusting to the rhythms of a talentless pro-style offense

AFC PLAYERS TO WATCH: Le’Veon Bell
Strength: Displays explosive first step during field sobriety tests
Weakness: Often circles back around so he can break the same tackles again

Biggest Secret: Has stolen dozens of Terrible Towels for use at home

Preferred Method Of Being Motivated: Repeated whacks on shoulder pads

Points On Driver’s License: 6

AFC PLAYERS TO WATCH: J.J. Watt
Strengths: Ability to get into backfield can disrupt a quarterback’s game for 10 to 12 weeks after surgery; Large hands easily block passes, sun; Gonna have hell of a posthumous Hall of Fame induction highlight video
Weakness: Requires separate ice tub for each arm; 95 percent of his hands-to-the-face penalties fatal; Huge disparity between his will to win and his team’s actual ability to win

Positions On Texans Depth Chart: 8
Notable Pass Rush Moves: Swim, Spin, Shanghai Double-Step
Biggest Regret: Sacking own twin in womb

NFC PLAYERS TO WATCH: Jameis Winston
Strength: Probably got all off-field incidents out of his system in college
Weakness: 7 days to kill during Week 6 bye

“College”: Florida State

Charity Work: Government-mandated

Biggest Secret: Didn’t learn to read defenses until he was 15 years old

Fun Fact: Still on first-name basis with everyone at Florida State University campus police department

A Once-In-A-Generation Player So Nothing Else Really Matters: Yes

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NFC PLAYERS TO WATCH: Adrian Peterson
Strength: Doesn’t go down after first hit to public image

Weakness: NFL’s personal conduct policy

Ideal Switch: 13 inches; birchwood; knots but no twigs

Favorite Parenting Books: Better Dads, Stronger Sons; Parenting From The Inside Out; Boys Should Be Boys: 7 Secrets To Raising Healthy Sons

Lessons Learned: 0

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