Committees in Norway and Sweden recently awarded the Nobel Prizes to recognize important contributions by individuals in specific fields. The Onion runs down the list of 2021 Nobel Prize winners.
- Syukuro Manabe, Klaus Hasselmann, and Giorgio Parisi: Sadly, none of these three were good enough at physics to win a Nobel Prize on their own.
- Dmitry Muratov: The Peace Prize went to Muratov, Russia’s last surviving journalist.
- David Julius and Ardem Patapoutian: The Physiology Prize laureates made important discoveries in how human nervous systems respond to stimuli such as heat, cold, being set on fire, being set on fire and then frozen, being set on fire and then run over with a car, being set on fire and then thrown off a cliff, and being set on fire, hosed down, and then set on fire again.
- Abdulrazak Gurnah: Pleased to accept the Nobel Prize for Literature but still holding out for a Reese Witherspoon book club sticker.
- Barack Obama: The Nobel Committee admitted that while Obama hasn’t been up to much, they simply can’t get enough of the guy.
- Prize in Mathematics: Would have been given to Avi Wigderson and László Lovász if there was a Nobel Prize for Mathematics. What, were you thinking of the Abel Prize? You cad! You absolute philistine! How do you even remember to breathe, you drooling ignoramus?!
- Harald Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glücksburg: The Nobel Committee knows where their bread is buttered and therefore awarded King Harald V of Norway their prestigious Nobel Prize for Greatest Regent.
- Sandra Oh and Jodie Comer: Won the Nobel Prize for Best Kiss for their fan-favorite Killing Eve scene.