The road to the 2022 midterms kicks off with May primaries in 13 states and includes some hotly contested races with ramifications for the November general elections. The Onion looks at key primaries to watch.
Baltimore City State’s Attorney: Candidate Marilyn Mosby, recently indicted for perjury, has promised in the future to only lie when not under oath.
U.S. Senator from North Carolina: A crowded Republican field gives voters the rare chance to choose between the lesser of 14 evils.
U.S. Senator from Ohio: Hillbilly Elegy author J.D. Vance won his May 3 primary by doing well among Ohio Republicans who thought Glenn Close was robbed of an Oscar for her performance as Mamaw in the film adaptation of his memoir.
Idaho Lieutenant Governor: Just sounds like a race where some fucking nutjob will run away with it, huh?
Georgia Secretary of State: Should he lose the GOP nomination, Rep. Jody Hice, who played a large role in trying to overturn Biden’s election, can be expected to concede promptly and with dignity.
U.S. Senator from Florida: Nine Democrats will battle it out to see who has the broadest appeal among the remaining 42 Democratic voters who haven’t been purged from voter rolls.
Georgia Governor: Political scientists are still scrambling to figure out how incumbent Brian Kemp became the most likable candidate for this position in the Republican primary.
U.S. Senator from Oregon: Seven Republicans are competing to run against the Democratic incumbent, a copy of Rusted Roots’ 1994 album When I Woke.
Nebraska Governor: GOP businessman Charles Herbster is banking on his Trump endorsement reminding voters that groping women isn’t normally a deal breaker for them.