Committees in Norway and Sweden are awarding the Nobel Prizes this week to recognize important contributions by individuals in specific fields. The Onion runs down the list of 2022 Nobel Prize winners.
Svante Pääbo: Awarded the Nobel Prize in Medicine for sequencing Neanderthal DNA as a thank-you for not continuing what seems like the first half of a supervillain origin story.
Toaster: The toaster was finally awarded the Nobel Prize in Kitchen Appliances after decades of being snubbed.
Alain Aspect, John F. Clauser, and Anton Zeilinger: The three physicists simultaneously won and didn’t win for their work in quantum technology.
Your Mom’s Friend’s Son: The chemistry prize went to your mom’s friend’s son, further increasing her disappointment in you for quitting med school.
Saga Svensson and Elias Gustafsson: Two made-up Nobel Prize in Physics winners whose names sound European enough to be convincing.
Trisha Jenkins: This Southern belle won the title of Miss Nobel in the committee’s Annual Nobel Pageant, recognizing international advancements in beauty.
Malcolm Gladwell: Awarded the Nobel Prize in Literature as thanks for not publishing a book this year.
Diet Pepsi Wild Cherry: As part of a sponsorship deal with Pepsi, the committee awarded the soft drink the Nobel Prize in Fizziness to recognize its innovation in bold, refreshing flavor.
Not You: Yet another year of your precious life totally wasted.