WASHINGTON—In an effort to award the country’s highest office to the nominee who wants it the most, officials announced Tuesday that the 2024 presidential election would be decided by whoever could keep their hand on the White House the longest. “Beginning today, all candidates hoping to become president of the United States will place their hand on the White House in a endurance contest for the ages,” said Federal Election Commission chair Dara Lindenbaum, explaining that the last presidential hopeful to take their hand off the executive residence would be immediately declared commander in chief. “We will go as long as it takes, so please come prepared if you want to be POTUS. While restrooms will not be provided, contestants may use the South Portico. And thank you to our sponsors at 103.5 KISS FM for helping to make this presidential election happen.” At press time, Trump was reportedly eliminated while trying to swat away a bee.
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