FENWICK ISLE, DE—Warning that even creatures as small as krill have been completely eradicated by the contamination, scientists at the NOAA confirmed Friday that a growing 500-mile dead zone off the Atlantic coast has been linked to runoff from Olive Garden alfredo pipes. “This stretch of coastline has been completely choked by Olive Garden’s illegal dumping of this creamy white cheese sauce and can no longer sustain any marine life,” said marine biologist Dara Novell, who estimated that the levels of butter, parmesan, and preservatives per cubic foot are so high that even after cleanup, fish might not return for 10,000 years. “Olive Garden has been pumping almost 100,000 gallons per day of alfredo sludge, containing god knows what, into the Delaware River. This is one of the most deadly substances mankind has ever produced, even algae can’t survive. Hundreds of miles out to sea, we have spotted deformed dolphins with three flippers and whole blooms of obese jellyfish. Even an emergency order of 10 billion breadsticks has been unable to reverse the damage.” Novell added that volunteers have only been able to clean seabirds covered in the alfredo sauce by burning it off with the highly acidic and abrasive Olive Garden marinara.
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