Last week, we were absolutely sure the Second Coming of Jesus Christ was at hand when a bearded man with long, flowing locks materialized before us, but it was just the pizza delivery guy.
“Our Lord! Our Savior!” we called, rushing from the garage and dropping to our knees in supplication, only to be humiliated when it turned out we were accidentally worshipping our neighbor’s son, Bradley, who has long hair now from college.
Could it really be Him? Alas, it was only a random bearded man hovering 30 feet off the ground.
Look, we know what you’re thinking: How the hell did we ever get fooled by this guy? His long hair isn’t even straight like Christ’s—it’s curly! All we can say in our defense in that the sun behind him was so bright, and that our desire for the Lord to return is so strong.
Ah shit, that one was clearly Judas. Our bad.
This asshole actually started swearing at us when we opened our windows to praise Him and welcome Him back to the earthly realm. Apparently this guy was an important Zoroastrian or something like that? Look, pal, if you don’t want to get confused with Jesus Christ, then maybe don’t grow your hair long and suddenly appear hovering in the sky? You think you could do that?
Yeah, yeah, we guess that we probably should’ve made sure that this was actually Jesus and not a guy named Derek who was doing some work on the roof next door before we nailed him to a cross.