Bred as a working dog to help herd sheep, the border collie is among the smartest canine breeds, though it doesn’t always show on standardized intelligence tests, which typically are an indication of test preparation rather than actual aptitude. Such tests also tend to be biased against dogs who are more visual-kinesthetic learners.
These stocky, powerful dogs are infamous for their highly dangerous owners, who are given to fits of unexpected rage when provoked. Sturdily built and known for their tenacity and ferocity, pit bull owners are prone to violence and should be avoided, especially if they feel threatened.
With big, floppy ears and slobbery tongues, basset hounds have an innate awareness of when their owners are having a romantic dream. These dogs are known for climbing into bed and licking their owners’ faces as they begin to stir from these dreams, briefly convincing their owners that they are, in fact, locked in a sensual embrace with an attractive man or woman before they awake and discover a large, sloppy tongue lapping across their lower jaw.
A dog embryo that is sometimes removed from the womb prematurely and raised as if it were a fully formed animal.
With adorable scrunched-up faces that doom them to a life of debilitating respiratory problems, English bulldogs are irresistible to many dog owners. Just one look at the oh-so-precious rumples on their little muzzles that regularly become infected, or their darling, constrained little gait that signifies an inability to support their own weight and the eventual onset of excruciating hip dysplasia is enough to melt anyone’s heart. And that serious airway obstruction that causes those grunting, snorting little breaths? So cute! Awww!
Dalmatians aren’t going to bite. They just want to say hello. They’re very friendly; it’s just that dalmatians get very excited when people come to the door. They just need to smell you first.
Wow, took a real risk going with this one, didn’t you?
A powerful cold-weather dog that cannot believe it’s stuck in your brownstone watching you read Harper’s. Bred for endurance and hardiness in the elements, the husky is the perfect dog to pull a sled through the snow, but is instead staring at you from the throw rug as you idly flip through pages in your armchair, occasionally chuckling to yourself and sipping from your mug. The husky wanted more than this.
Known as loyal purebreds susceptible to genetic diseases and shorter lifespans, many boxers have nevertheless been known to live way too long, hanging in there for as many as five years after all the kids moved out. Though many are afflicted with hereditary degenerative myelopathy or stomach bloat, some just keep on going, for Christ’s sake, even after A.J. headed off to college and despite the fact that you and your wife have earned a little peace and quiet. But nope, they go on needing food and walks and someone to watch them every goddamn time you want to leave for a day or longer. Jesus.