BETHLEHEM, PA—With numerous disagreements on topics ranging from who was supposed to make dinner reservations, to the unexpected high cost of the hotel, to who was to blame for arriving late to the ceremony, over 90 percent of the audience members at Lehigh University’s graduation ceremony are currently involved in a heated family argument, campus sources are reporting. “Shh! Pay attention. This isn’t about you,” nearly all the parents of graduating seniors told their younger children prior to a family squabble over how to use the camera’s zoom function and then another about why their graduating sons or daughters didn’t better explain where they would be sitting during the ceremony. “Goddamnit, if you didn’t want to sit all the way back here you should have gotten ready on time. Honey, did you figure out where we’re meeting after?” Following the ceremony, 8 in 10 parents are expected to start another argument by asking their graduated children why they didn’t get honors and all their friends did.
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