ATHENS, OH—Saying that it was the only way to assuage concerns that occasionally arose in their minds, 93 percent of Americans admitted to checking behind their shower curtain from time to time to ensure no bad guys were hiding there, a study out of Ohio University confirmed this week. “Our data indicate that an overwhelming majority of citizens will, at least once a week, count to three and then whip their shower curtain to the side to determine whether any malevolent figures are silently lurking in their bathtubs waiting for the perfect moment to strike,” said the study’s author, Samuel Kim, who noted that while subjects did not check behind the curtain every time they visited the lavatory, they were statistically far more likely to do so at night, when they were in their homes alone, or after watching a somewhat scary or unsettling movie or television show. “We found, however, that techniques varied from person to person. While some crept up to the curtain gingerly and ripped it aside with no warning, others gruffly stated aloud, ‘I know you’re in here,’ or made a sharp grunting noise as they moved the curtain with their left hand while keeping the right balled up in a fist should they uncover a deranged criminal whom they would then need to subdue through physical force.” Kim added that he would most assuredly be checking behind his own shower curtain this evening, but flatly stated he will not bend down to check underneath his bed as that is “just inane and childish.”

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