Germany Running Out Of Beer Bottles
Due to unusually high temperatures, German beer consumption has risen rapidly, causing a shortage in the over 3 billion beer bottles in circulation. What do you think?
Vatican On Sex Abuse Report: ‘Listen, No Normal Person Is Going To Sign Up To Be A Priest’
VATICAN CITY—Following a Pennsylvania grand jury’s report on widespread sexual abuse of children by priests and a cover-up that spanned decades, the Vatican released a statement Friday saying “listen, no normal person is going to sign up to be a priest.” “Look, we ask an awful lot of ordained priests and make them…
Server Unbelievably Touched To Be Asked Own Opinion On Whether Enchiladas Or Burger Better Choice
NOVI, MI—Vowing to give such an important request the respect it deserves, local Chili’s server Melissa Cortez told reporters Friday that she was unbelievably touched to be asked by a customer for her opinion on whether the enchiladas or burger was a better choice. “Oh, wow, for a lowly waiter like me to be asked by a…
Portrait Next To Coffin Most Likely The Deceased
EAST STROUDSBURG, PA—Intuiting that the close placement of the two objects was most likely not coincidental, funeral attendee Bryan Abboud made the assumption Friday that the man depicted in a portrait next to the coffin was more than likely the deceased. “Unless I’m missing something here, that’s got to be the dead…
Girlfriend Slowly Becoming Radicalized By New Skin-Care Blog
SPRINGVILLE, UT—Concerned by the disturbing changes in her behavior since she discovered the site earlier this year, local man Derek Wilkinson told reporters Friday he worries his girlfriend, Katie Spencer, has started to become radicalized by a skin-care blog.
‘Paw Patrol’ Writers Defend Episode Where German Shepherd Cop Shoots Unarmed Black Lab 17 Times In Back
LOS ANGELES—Explaining that their goal has always been to hold a mirror to society, whether focusing on the power of friendship or a racially motivated killing, the writers behind the hit children’s television series PAW Patrol defended a recent episode of the show Friday in which a German shepherd “police pup” shoots…
Pros And Cons Of Mobile Payment Apps
The number of people using mobile payment apps like Apple Pay and Venmo continues to rise, although there are concerns that their convenience could come at the cost of security. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of mobile payment apps.
World’s Religious Leaders Admit They Just Love Getting To Wear Frilly Little Gowns And Having A Blast
JERUSALEM—Talking of the deep satisfaction they feel when slipping on a gilded robe and chilling out with devotees, world leaders from Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, and every other major religion admitted Friday that they just love getting to wear frilly little gowns and having a blast. “Yeah, what can I say? We just…
West Hollywood Urges Removal of Trump’s Walk of Fame Star
The West Hollywood City Council approved a symbolic vote in support of removing President Trump’s star from the Walk of Fame, although the ultimate decision is governed by the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce. What do you think?
Trumpet Player Wishes Someone Would Sound Horns For Him When He Entered Castle Gates For Once
EOFERWIC, BRITANNIA—Saying that it really wasn’t such a grandiose request after years of loyal servitude, Ilbert Hildebrondus, a local court trumpeter at the Old Baile Keep, confirmed Wednesday he wishes that, just once, someone would sound the horns for him as he entered the castle gates. “All I’m saying is that one…
Head On Pike Really Pulling Together Castle’s Look
EAST FENS, BRITANNIA—Visitors and residents remarked this week that the severed, pike-mounted head of Duke Robert de L’Alsace, which was installed overlooking the moat outside the western portcullis of Castle Colgrave “doth quite pull together the castle’s look.” “Any fortified residence may sport pennants, crenelated…
Hotshot Peasant Has Window
HOBSCROSS, BRITANNIA—Taking exception with the flashy, non-accidental opening in the Western wall of the thatched hut, the serf community expressed disapproval Monday after discovering that Ernault Bauldry, a hotshot peasant and laborer in Hobscross fields, has a window. “Well, la-di-dah, look who’s putting on airs…
Pretentious Peasant Insists He Never Watches Beheadings
DINKELSBÜHL, GERMANIA—Stressing that he simply found the boorish displays to be beneath him in every respect, pretentious peasant Hans van Leden repeatedly insisted Friday that he never stoops to watching beheadings. “Frankly, I’ve always thought there was something a bit crass about frittering away your time in the…
Knights Organization Denies Claims That Overhunting Could Lead To Extinction Of Dragons
WINTANCAESTER, BRITANNIA—In response to the outcry that has followed the distribution of woodcuts showing one of its members posing next to a beheaded dragon, the Chivalric Order of St. George issued a statement Wednesday rebuking the notion that the creatures could go extinct if knights continue to hunt them. “In…
Church Masses Going Wild Over Catchy New Gregorian Chant
ROME—Sweeping through the Holy Roman Empire from Saxony to Sardinia, the new Pope Innocent III–penned Gregorian chant “Veni Sancte Spiritus” was causing church masses to go wild Sunday with its catchy liturgical hooks and strict adherence to monastic traditions of composition. “The monks start intoning this soft,…
NBCU Readying Streaming Service That Pays Viewers To Watch It
NBCUniversal plans to launch a streaming service that will incentivize viewers to watch shows with redeemable points and gift certificates. What do you think?
