OpinionFlorida Parents Explain Why Michelangelo’s David Is PornA Florida principal was recently forced to resign after parents complained that the art curriculum was obscene. The Onion asked Florida parents to explain why Michelangelo’s David is porn, and this is what they said.
LocalPretentious Baby Who Just Learned Word ‘Daddy’ Won’t Stop Inserting It Into ConversationLOUISBURG, KS—Acting like he was better than everyone now that he had a new fancy term to use, pretentious baby Cooper Landrey, who just learned the word “daddy,” reportedly wouldn’t stop inserting it into conversation Wednesday. “Ever since he was…
PoliticsRepublicans Explain Why They Support A ‘Parents Bill Of Rights’In a 213-208 vote, House Republicans passed a bill that would allow parents more control over the way issues like race, sexuality, and gender are handled in their children’s schools. The Onion asked Republicans why they support the Parents Bill of…
Breaking NewsGod Accidentally Burns Down Heaven After Curling Iron MalfunctionsTHE HEAVENS—With smoke and the acrid smell of charred cherubim filling the skies, celestial sources confirmed Wednesday that the Lord God Almighty accidentally burned down heaven this morning when His malfunctioning curling iron started an…
Breaking NewsPhiladelphia Residents Avoiding Tap Water After Catching Horrifying Glimpse Of Hairless, Wheezing Gritty
American VoicesStudy Finds Exposure To Other People’s Sweat Could Reduce Social AnxietyA new study has found that people with social anxiety may benefit from mindfulness therapy combined with exposure to odors from others’ sweat. What do you think?
LocalMan Earnestly Looking For Career On Website Called Something Like ‘Job-A-Dabba-Doo.Com’CHICAGO—In an ongoing effort to secure an actual job that would allow him to earn an actual living, reports confirmed Tuesday that local man Tim Upshaw, 36, was earnestly looking for career opportunities on a website called something like…
LocalPrisoner Given 10 Extra Years For Good Behavior To Serve As Role Model For Fellow InmatesHUTCHINSON, KS—In what a judge overseeing the case said he hoped would be a precedent, Hutchinson Correctional Facility prisoner Brett Dailey was given an extra 10 years in prison for good behavior Tuesday so he could serve as a role model for his…
LocalRealtor Trying To Pass Off Apartment’s Window Box Planter As Something Called ‘Romanian Balcony’
LocalAnnotations In Used Copy Of ‘Autobiography Of Malcolm X’ Make It Painfully Obvious That Previous Owner Was White
News In PhotosKyrsten Sinema Descends To Senate Floor On Floating Platform Wearing Dress Shaped Like Gumball Machine
PoliticsThoughtful Letter On How To Improve Legislative Process Undercut By Poison Included In Envelope
Breaking NewsFox News Anchors Respond To Claims About Workplace’s Toxic CultureA former employee claimed that the network discriminated against her because of her gender while she worked at Tucker Carlson Tonight. The Onion asked Fox News anchors to respond to allegations about the workplace’s toxic culture, and this is what…
Now playing 00:28TikTokDemand Grows For Stricter Transit Regulations After Derailing Train Hits Airplane At 30,000 Feet
SportsParents Waiting To See Son’s Test Scores Before Prohibiting Him From Playing FootballMARBLEHEAD, MA—Amid growing concerns about the sport’s potential effects on child brain development, local parents Jim and Angela Garza told reporters Friday that they were waiting to see their son’s test scores before prohibiting him from playing…
