SlideshowAsk The Onion: How To Retire ComfortablyIn today’s world of financial uncertainty, it can be hard to tell when, and how, to ever stop working. You asked The Onion your most pressing questions about retirement, and now, we have the answers.
News in Brief‘Does This Help?’ Says Panicking Academy President Holding Up Anthony Hopkins’ Decapitated Head
News in BriefKanye’s Response To Divorce Filing Blatantly Samples Kim Kardashian’s PetitionCODY, WY—Referring to the rapper and designer’s latest effort as derivative and lacking the spark present at the start of his career, critics slammed Kanye West for his divorce response Wednesday for blatantly sampling Kim Kardashian’s divorce…
NewsJesus Christ: Shigeru Miyamoto Has Confirmed That Every Nintendo Switch Is Wired To Explode If His Heart Stops For Any ReasonYikes, well, we’ve got some pretty terrifying news. Shigeru Miyamoto has just confirmed that every Nintendo Switch on Earth is wired with explosives to detonate if his heart stops for any reason.
News in BriefRepublicans Argue D.C. Statehood Slippery Slope To District One Day Becoming Own PlanetWASHINGTON—Speaking out against H.R. 51, which has now cleared the House and made its way to the Senate, congressional Republicans argued Friday that granting Washington, D.C. statehood would be a slippery slope to the District one day becoming its…
News in BriefStudents Excited After Teacher Announces Class Being Held Outside While Police Investigate Shooting
News in BriefPerson Criticizing Police Has No Idea What It’s Like To Wake Up Every Day And Put Lives In Danger
News in BriefGeorgia Lawmakers Warn Stricter Gun Regulation Could Cause Mass Shooters To Move To Other StatesATLANTA—Stressing the importance of providing a welcoming environment unimpeded by bureaucratic red tape, Georgia lawmakers warned Wednesday that stricter gun regulations would only cause mass shooters to move to other states. “Georgia cannot and…
News in BriefGOP Oppose Infrastructure Bill With Uplifting Reminder It’s Okay To Be A Work In Progress
News in BriefEthics Report Shows Elaine Chao Ran Personal Errands With Transportation Department’s Private Zorb
News in BriefTed Cruz Decries Voting Rights Bill As Shameless Power Grab By American People To Control Country
The TopicalPapa John’s Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce
News in BriefWoman Relieved She No Longer Has To Support Closed BookstoreNEW YORK—Feeling as if a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders, 28-year-old Madeline Springs told reporters Thursday she was relieved that she would no longer have to support a now-closed local bookstore. “Thank God I won’t have to be…
NewsHey Gamers, Our Source Inside Nintendo Disappeared And We Just Received His Gaming Hand In A Box So Don’t Expect Any News For A While
NewsGaming Win: This Pro Gamer Did Something Terrible And Everyone Is Sweeping It Under The Rug Like He’s A Real Celebrity
NewsSmall Kindnesses: Gamer Shields Ailing Grandmother From News So She Can Die Believing ‘Cyberpunk 2077’ Patch Largely Fixes It
NewsRelief: ‘Monster Hunter Rise’ Includes A Dossier Of Each Monster’s Problematic Behavior So You Don’t Feel Bad When You Kill Them
News in Brief‘Does This Help?’ Says Panicking Academy President Holding Up Anthony Hopkins’ Decapitated Head
News in BriefOscar Attendees Flee As Actors Featured During In Memoriam Segment Crawl Out Of Screen, Devour Gary Oldman
