Defiant Sarah Huckabee Sanders Claims She Doesn’t Know Where Voice Comes From When She Opens Mouth

WASHINGTON—Insisting she was not culpable for the inexplicable contents of her spoken communications, White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders defiantly claimed Friday that she doesn’t know where the voice comes from when she opens her mouth. “Listen, I don’t control where these words come from, okay? When I…

China Discontinues State Surveillance Program After Finally Finding Guy Who Drove Into Xi Jinping’s Mailbox

BEIJING—Boasting that their persistence had paid off and declaring that citizens may now return to lives free from constant monitoring, Chinese government officials announced Friday that they will immediately discontinue their comprehensive state-run surveillance program after finally catching that guy who drove into…

‘Boating World Magazine’ Giving Live Updates As Its Team Of Reporters Reads All Of Mueller Report

FOUNTAIN VALLEY, CA—Urging readers to “stay tuned” and follow along on its website for more, Boating World Magazine was providing live updates Thursday as its team of reporters read through the more than 400 pages of the Mueller report. “So far, we have not uncovered any breaking news within the report about…

The Onion’s Legal Analysts Have Completed Their Official Count Of How Many Pages Are In The Mueller Report

After tirelessly poring over the Special Counsel’s recently released findings, The Onion can confidently report that our award-winning team of legal analysts have concluded their official count of how many pages are in the Mueller Report. The Onion has employed a rigorous, exhaustively thorough multi-stage process to…

Report: You’re Far Too Dumb To Be Reading The Mueller Report Yourself

WASHINGTON—According to a conclusion reached by expert analysis Thursday, you are far too dumb to be reading Robert Mueller’s report on Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election yourself. “To put it bluntly, you are a moron, and as a moron, you lack the basic reading skills that would make looking at this…

Barr Releases Catatonic Mueller After Removing All Sensitive Material From Special Counsel’s Brain

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to satisfy calls for transparency while also keeping delicate information under wraps, Attorney General William Barr announced Thursday that he had released a catatonic Robert Mueller after excising all sensitive material from the special counsel’s brain. “With the cuts we’ve made to his…

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