WASHINGTON—While using brightly colored magic markers to write articles in a makeshift bullpen deep beneath the White House, an ink-splattered Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. said Wednesday they had made it their mission to fight bias in the mainstream media by hand-printing their own newspaper.
WHEATON, IL—In a development that has thrown 6,000 years of peer-reviewed genealogy into disarray, scriptural researchers from Wheaton College released the results of a biblical study Wednesday that they say offers definitive proof that Methushael, son of Mehujael, did not in fact beget Lamech. “This discovery will…
SACRAMENTO, CA—After learning that the object of his desire was interested in other females, local man Dave Callan told reporters Wednesday that he had puzzled over whether she’s the type of lesbian who only dates other women or the kind that dates men, too. “Amy’s a lesbian—I know—but we really vibed the other night,…
Sixty years after he began performing, Paul McCartney has put out his 18th solo album, a song cycle entitled Egypt Station. What do you think?
DALLAS—In an effort to make himself more appealing to voters, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) reportedly tried to connect with the audience at a candidate forum Tuesday by wearing the bloody, skinned face of a far more handsome man as a mask. “People are really responding to this new, dapper Ted Cruz,” said campaign manager Jeff…
SKOKIE, IL—Wistfully imagining a future she hopes is not too far away, area woman Margaret Bridgemeyer told reporters Tuesday she yearns for the day when the first female president of the United States will have a tell-all book written about her that contains explicit descriptions of her repulsive vagina. “I have to…
WASHINGTON—In a stark reversal of earlier immigration policy, President Donald Trump announced Tuesday that his administration was increasing the number of asylum seekers allowed to enter the United States’ spike-filled refugee compactor. “We feel strongly that 15 million people fleeing abuses in their own countries…
Salesforce founder Marc Benioff purchased Time magazine for $190 million, continuing the trend of tech titans buying major media companies. What do you think?
PITTSBURGH—Breaking down while discussing the horrible condition behind his absence, an emotional Le’Veon Bell revealed to reporters Tuesday that his ongoing holdout was a result of forgetting how to run. “People are attacking me, saying this is about greed or ego, but the truth is I’ve completely blanked on how to…
JOHTO—Cruelly tantalized by the dream of life in the green and plentiful land just beyond his reach, video game character Ethan spent countless processor cycles Tuesday staring impotently at the forbidden realm stretching out beyond the line of impassable waist-high bushes at his feet. “All my powers, all my…
INDIANAPOLIS, IN—Saying the groundbreaking discovery could potentially silence even their fiercest critics, scientists at Indiana University’s School of Medicine announced Tuesday that they had almost developed a life-saving vaccine that they could rub in the faces of all their doubters. “This injection, once it is…
CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—Carefully establishing a reminder lest they lose themselves in a moment of exuberance, fraternity brothers at the University of Virgina’s Sigma Chi chapter made a note Tuesday not to kill a member of their new pledge class during the intense hazing process, as his family happens to own a commodious…
London Mayor Sadiq Khan has called for a second public vote on Brexit because of the government’s failure to strike a deal with Brussels, saying that people “didn’t vote to leave the EU to make themselves poorer.” What do you think?
WILMINGTON, NC—In an effort to provide aid to those affected by the devastating weather event, FEMA representatives confirmed Monday the completion of their mission to airdrop emergency cyanide pills for residents stranded by Hurricane Florence. “We’ve spared no expense in making sure the residents of these areas are…
HONOLULU—Offering new insights into the vast expanses of water that make up nearly three quarters of the planet’s surface, marine biologists at the Hawaii Oceanographic Institute announced Monday that the majority of the world’s oceans remain boring as shit. “Even after centuries of human exploration and study, more…
