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Editorial Cartoon: ‘Poll Dancers’

CEOs Predict The Future Of The Metaverse

Archaeologists Find Rare 4,000-Year-Old Board Game

Serial Killer’s Taunts Mailed To Dollar Tree Where Old Police Station Used To Be

Slideshow

Special Orders Chefs Hate The Most And Why

Unless you want the staff spitting in your food, we would avoid asking for the following things. Here are the special order modifications chefs hate the most and why.

News In Brief

Too Early To Tell If Recent Celebrity Deaths Part Of Viral Pre-Super Bowl Ad Rollout

Football

Tom Brady Rips Into His Nutritional Supplements For Letting Him Down In Big Game

TAMPA, FL—Following his team’s divisional-round playoff loss to the Los Angeles Rams, Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback Tom Brady reportedly ripped into his nutritional supplements Tuesday for letting him down in a big game. “Magnesium, turmeric,…

News In Brief

Nation’s Gun-Toting Uncles Announce It’s Time To Learn Where Food Really Comes From

SALTSBURG, PA—Cocking their shotguns and remarking that dinner tonight wouldn’t be for the faint of heart, the nation’s gun-toting uncles announced Tuesday that it was time to learn where food really comes from. “All right, boys, let’s get out there…

News In Brief

Ex-Catholic Still Feels Twinge Of Guilt Every Time He Masturbates On Subway

NEW YORK—Worried he would never be able to escape the aftereffects of his rigorous religious upbringing, local ex-Catholic Brock Lastra told reporters Tuesday that he still felt a twinge of guilt every time he masturbated on the subway. “I know it’s…

News In Brief

Man’s Problems Really Don’t Seem So Bad After Therapist Completely Trivializes Them

News In Brief

Man Hoping His Death Fucked Up Enough That He Gets Law Named After Him

News In Brief

Obnoxious Toddler Really Rubbing His Childlike Sense Of Wonder In Everyone’s Faces

News In Brief

Woman Feeling Doubly Conflicted About Attending ‘Harry Potter’-Themed Plantation Wedding

News In Brief

Biden Vows That If Russia Invades Ukraine, U.S. Will Invade One Country Of Equivalent Value

News In Brief

Leaked Documents Confirm ExxonMobil Has Known Exactly Which Day Earth Ends Since The 1970s

News In Brief

Adele Postpones Vegas Residency Rather Than Give Up Seat At Hot Slot Machine

Local

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News In Brief

Dad Doesn’t Approve Of Direction Mall Headed In

DANVERS, MA—Confirming his disapproval of the shopping plaza’s trajectory, local dad Mark Sipes reportedly expressed concerns Thursday about the direction the Liberty Tree Mall was headed in. “Five, 10 years ago, it was one of the better shopping…

News In Brief

Neglected Dog Always Wearing Same Clothes

News In Brief

Frustrated Hospital Worker Rounds Up Gurneys Patients Failed To Put in Parking Lot Corrals

News In Brief

Vacationing Woman Asks Friend To Assume Identity For Next Couple Weeks

News In Brief

Los Angeles Residents Giddy After Learning Big Hollywood Movie Being Shot In Their Town

Politics

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News In Brief

Poll: Average U.S. Horse Still Prefers Carrot To Photo Of Biden

ASBURY PARK, NJ—In the latest indicator of the commander in chief’s waning popularity, a new Rasmussen poll released Monday showed that the average U.S. horse still overwhelmingly preferred a carrot to a photo of President Joe Biden. “A staggering…

News In Brief

Congress Addresses Child Care Crisis By Loosening Restrictions On Locking Children In Car For 8 Hours

News In Brief

Biden Vows Not To Forget Lessons Of January 6: ‘We Must Hang Mike Pence’

News In Brief

U.S. Democracy Under Siege After Tech Lobbyist Invites Some Senators To Dinner

News In Brief

Contractor Informs Biden It’d Be Cheaper To Just Tear Down U.S. And Start Over

Videos

Image for Enjoy This Free TikTok Cooling Station

Editorial Cartoon: ‘Poll Dancers’

CEOs Predict The Future Of The Metaverse

Archaeologists Find Rare 4,000-Year-Old Board Game

Serial Killer’s Taunts Mailed To Dollar Tree Where Old Police Station Used To Be

Special Orders Chefs Hate The Most And Why

Too Early To Tell If Recent Celebrity Deaths Part Of Viral Pre-Super Bowl Ad Rollout

Tom Brady Rips Into His Nutritional Supplements For Letting Him Down In Big Game

Nation’s Gun-Toting Uncles Announce It’s Time To Learn Where Food Really Comes From

Ex-Catholic Still Feels Twinge Of Guilt Every Time He Masturbates On Subway

Man’s Problems Really Don’t Seem So Bad After Therapist Completely Trivializes Them

Man Hoping His Death Fucked Up Enough That He Gets Law Named After Him

Obnoxious Toddler Really Rubbing His Childlike Sense Of Wonder In Everyone’s Faces

Woman Feeling Doubly Conflicted About Attending ‘Harry Potter’-Themed Plantation Wedding

Biden Vows That If Russia Invades Ukraine, U.S. Will Invade One Country Of Equivalent Value

Leaked Documents Confirm ExxonMobil Has Known Exactly Which Day Earth Ends Since The 1970s

Adele Postpones Vegas Residency Rather Than Give Up Seat At Hot Slot Machine

Dad Doesn’t Approve Of Direction Mall Headed In

Neglected Dog Always Wearing Same Clothes

Frustrated Hospital Worker Rounds Up Gurneys Patients Failed To Put in Parking Lot Corrals

Vacationing Woman Asks Friend To Assume Identity For Next Couple Weeks

Los Angeles Residents Giddy After Learning Big Hollywood Movie Being Shot In Their Town

Poll: Average U.S. Horse Still Prefers Carrot To Photo Of Biden

Congress Addresses Child Care Crisis By Loosening Restrictions On Locking Children In Car For 8 Hours

Biden Vows Not To Forget Lessons Of January 6: ‘We Must Hang Mike Pence’

U.S. Democracy Under Siege After Tech Lobbyist Invites Some Senators To Dinner

Contractor Informs Biden It’d Be Cheaper To Just Tear Down U.S. And Start Over

Signs Your Mother-In-Law Actually Hates You

Abortion Laws In Every State

Lies Fitness Trainers Tell Their Clients All The Time

Lies Men Will Tell To Get You To Sleep With Them

Hey Gamers, We Know We Can Sometimes Be A Little One-Note About Gaming So If You Ever Want To Talk About Something Else, Like Baking Or Whatever, Just Know We’re Down

Games Bring People Together: We Don’t Have Any Specific Story Right Now That Proves This Point, But We Wanted To Express The General Sentiment

Bad News Gamers: It Appears Now Is Not The Time For Idle Merriment

Be Cool, For Once, Gamers: Mrs. Thompson Said We Might Get to Play ‘Minecraft’ If We Finish The Quiz By 11:45

Enjoy This Free TikTok Cooling Station

Is It Ethical For Prenatal Testing To Tell You If Your Baby Will Be Too Annoying To Love?

We Invited Logan Paul And BTS To Collab On A Video With Us And They Crashed Into Each Other On The Way Over

How Do Self-Driving Cars Avoid Driving Straight To The Beach?

Special Orders Chefs Hate The Most And Why

Adele Postpones Vegas Residency Rather Than Give Up Seat At Hot Slot Machine

‘People’ Editor Sweating Bullets After Dedicating Next Issue To Alan Alda’s 86th Birthday

Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame Under Pressure To Return Looted Ancient Mesopotamian Stratocaster

Frank Vogel Waiting For LeBron To Nod Before Drawing Next Line On White Board

Tom Brady Rips Into His Nutritional Supplements For Letting Him Down In Big Game

New NFL-Military Partnership Sends First 1,000 Fans To Stand For National Anthem Off To War

NFL Expands Super Bowl To Include 2 Additional Teams

Cruise Ship Flees To Bahamas After U.S. Issues Arrest Warrant

Poll Dancers

Archaeologists Find Rare 4,000-Year-Old Board Game

Theodore Roosevelt Statue Removed From Natural History Museum