The Onion | America's Finest News Source.

Sex Moves You Should Never Try To Copy From Porn

Porn, in all its hairless, vaguely consensual glory, gives everyday Americans an unrealistic view of how disgusting sexual intercourse really is. While you may think you look like the MILFs, naughty stepsons, or barely legal teens that you see on…

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Fox News Host Outraged By Viral Video Of Mob Of Thugs Using Coupons To Save Money

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Wyoming Announces It Now Adults Only

CHEYENNE, WY—Noting that the new legislation would go into effect almost immediately, Wyoming officials announced Monday that the state would now be adults only. “Wyoming is now a child-free zone,” said Gov. Mark Gordon (R), explaining that children…

Football

ESPN’S ‘NFL Live’ Spends Full 10-Minute Segment Meticulously Breaking Down Player Running In A Straight Line For 3 Yards

BRISTOL, CT—Viewers of the nation’s leading sports network were treated to a brilliant display of analysis Monday when ESPN NFL Live spent a full 10-minute segment meticulously breaking down a player running in a straight line for three yards. “Two…

Breaking News

U.S. Mint Releases Collection Of Coins Featuring Child Molester From Every State

WASHINGTON—Unveiling a commemorative series created in honor of the nation’s most renowned pedophiles, the U.S. Mint announced the release Friday of a new collection of coins that featured a child molester from every state in the union. “This fun,…

Opinion

Chiefs Fans React To Travis Kelce Dating Taylor Swift

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Dogs React To Commander Biden Biting Another Secret Service Officer

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Trader Joe’s Adds New Fitting Rooms Where Customers Can See How Food Will Look In Their Mouth

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This Week's Most Viral News: September 29, 2023

Ron DeSantis Announces He Will Live As Slave For One Year To Prove It Not Bad

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Biden Asks Americans To Come Sit By Him And Keep Him Company Until The End

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News In Photos

Report: Government Shutdown Could Imperil Hundreds Of Americans Currently At Top Of Federally Funded Ferris Wheels

Local

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Local

White Women Explain Why They Love Fall

Whether it’s the crisp air, changing leaves, or seasonal beverages, autumn is popular with the Caucasian ladies. The Onion asked white women to explain why they love fall, and this is what they said.

Local

Couple Pities Man Eating Alone Instead Of In Complete Silence With Person He Can’t Stand Anymore

Local

Fire Department Installs No-Questions-Asked Baby Furnace Outside Station

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What To Say To A Child If They Don’t Believe In God

Local

Wildly Flailing Tree Clearly Exaggerating Reaction To Breeze

Politics

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Politics

Republicans Explain Why They Should Be Trump’s Running Mate

While Donald Trump has yet to pick a running mate for 2024, several notable individuals are aggressively vying for the role. The Onion asked Republicans why they should be Trump’s VP, and this is what they said.