World Wonders What Trump Has On United States That’s Forcing Nation To Keep Him In Power

EARTH—Assuming the controversial president of the United States must be in possession of potentially damning information concerning his home country in order to keep them so completely under his control, the rest of the world wondered aloud Tuesday about exactly what Trump has on America that compels the nation to…

Distraught Mueller Burns Every Piece Of Evidence In Case After Hearing Trump’s Critique Of U.S. Intelligence Community

WASHINGTON—Tossing a lit match on the assemblage of kerosene-doused case files, transcripts, and seized hard drives, Special Counsel Robert Mueller burned every piece of evidence in his investigation into 2016 election interference Tuesday after hearing President Trump’s pointed critique of the U.S. intelligence…

Supporters Praise Trump For Upholding Traditional American Value Of Supporting Murderous Dictators For Political Gain

WASHINGTON—In the aftermath of the president’s controversial meeting with Russian president Vladimir Putin in Finland, supporters reportedly praised Donald Trump Tuesday for upholding the traditional American value of supporting murderous dictators for political gain. “It is a proud moment in American history to…

GOP Leaders Move Goalposts On Opposing Trump To Him Being Filmed Masturbating On U.S. Flag In Arlington Cemetery

WASHINGTON—Promising citizens that they would finally take action if the President crossed this new red line, GOP leaders announced Monday that they were moving their goalposts for opposing Trump to him being filmed masturbating on an American flag in Arlington National Cemetery. “After today’s attack on U.S.…