News In BriefKim Kardashian Pays SEC Fine In Instagram Post Promoting SECCALABASAS, CA—Reaching a settlement to share one post and one story, Kim Kardashian reportedly paid her $1.26 million fine from the Securities and Exchange Commission Monday in an Instagram promotion for the agency. “Hey everyone, I just wanted to…
News In BriefSchool Budget Committee Votes To Eliminate 4th-Graders EntirelyBELLEVUE, WA—Calling the move “the best path forward” for the school as a whole, representatives for the Bellevue School District budget committee told reporters Monday that they had voted to eliminate fourth-graders entirely. “While we care for…
News In BriefMcDonald’s Testing New Self-Ordering Kiosk That Cries When Customers Yell At ItCHICAGO—In an effort to streamline the abuse process, fast food behemoth McDonald’s confirmed Monday that it had started testing a new self-ordering kiosk that would cry when customers yelled at it. “We hope these new self-service kiosks will allow…
News In BriefMoon Dead At 29SPACE—Earth’s moon, the planet’s only natural satellite and the fifth-largest moon in the solar system, reportedly died Monday at the age of 29. Born Jefferson Gene Leach in 1993, the planetary-mass object was raised in poverty on the streets of…
News In Brief‘Blonde’ Director Claims Film’s Graphic Sexual Violence Accurate Depiction Of Medieval Time Period
News In BriefPalace Staff Decides Not To Pack Up Funeral Stuff Just Yet After Seeing King Charles Up Close
News In BriefBrett Favre Makes Amends By Sending Photo Of His Penis To Every Mississippian On Welfare
InfographicWhat To Know About The Oath Keepers, On Trial For Role In January 6 RiotsFive members of the Oath Keepers, including founder Stewart Rhodes, are being tried in federal court for their role in the riots of Jan. 6, 2021. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about the Oath Keepers and their trial.
MagazineThe Cast Of ‘Abbott Elementary’: Where Are They Now? What Do You Mean They’re On Set Shooting The Show? Right Now? Wait…What Year Is It? Oh My God...
News In BriefWealthy Florida Residents Without Power Forced To Use Emergency Hand-Crank Margarita Machines
News In BriefMedic Performing CPR On Dead Guy Puts On Whole Show For Family WatchingBAYONNE, NJ—As he counted aloud his 30 chest compressions and puffed out his cheeks to blow big breaths into the corpse’s mouth, sources confirmed Friday that area paramedic Paul Mohr was putting on a whole show for the family watching him perform…
SlideshowRepublicans Explain Why They Voted Against The Electoral Reform BillAfter the House of Representatives passed a bill to strengthen the presidential certification process, The Onion asked Republicans who voted against it why they oppose reforming the Electoral Count Act.
News In BriefBiden Calls On Any Spirits Of Dead Lawmakers Present To Make Themselves Known After Jackie Walorski Doesn’t Answer
SlideshowConservative Commentators You Never Knew Started In HollywoodYou might not know it, but many of the most famous commentators on Fox News, OAN, and Infowars actually used to work as actors, directors, and writers. Here are today’s most famous conservative faces that got their start in Hollywood.
News In Brief‘Blonde’ Director Claims Film’s Graphic Sexual Violence Accurate Depiction Of Medieval Time Period
FootballDolphins Under Scrutiny After Tua Tagovailoa Seen Exiting Hospital With Head Hastily Taped Back On
FootballNFL Doctors Test Tua Tagovailoa’s Mental Acuity By Seeing If He Can Sign Indemnification Agreement
News In BriefBrett Favre Makes Amends By Sending Photo Of His Penis To Every Mississippian On Welfare
SlideshowWisconsinites Explain Why They Are Voting For Ron JohnsonThis November, Sen. Ron Johnson will face reelection in the state of Wisconsin. The Onion asked Wisconsinites why they are voting for the two-term Republican, and this is what they said.
