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Tips For Writing A Graduation Speech

Turkey Plagued By Largest Outbreak Of ‘Sea Snot’ On Record

The Onion’s Guide To Critical Race Theory

Illinois Restaurants Reopen At 95% Capacity After Factoring In Quarantine Weight Gain

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Most Shocking UFO Sightings Throughout History

Whether you believe in aliens or not, humans have reported terrifying encounters with unidentified flying objects since the dawn of time. Here are some of the most shocking sightings that The Onion has sourced from historical records.

Entertainment

Man Waking Up Spends Few Relaxing Moments In Bed Before Remembering He’s Kevin Spacey

Local

Man Flattered Spam Caller Believes He Has Car, House, Savings Account To Defraud

HOUSTON—Pleased by the scammer’s presumption that he had a net worth greater than zero, local man Connor Franklin told reporters he was flattered that the spam caller he spoke with Thursday appeared to believe the 31-year-old had a car, house, and…

Local

Community Places Candles, Flowers Atop Spot Where Cyclist Currently Bleeding Out

SEATTLE—Coming together to pay tribute to the 27-year-old in a manner they felt would honor him best, community members of the Capitol Hill neighborhood reportedly gathered for a vigil Thursday where they placed candles and flowers atop the spot…

Sports

Man Shopping For Bowling Shoe That Can Also Be Worn To Funerals, Weddings

EAU CLAIRE, WI—Browsing for something that was both classy and versatile, local man Ron Schneider was shopping for a bowling shoe Thursday that could also be worn to funerals and weddings. “I don’t want to have a closet full of shoes, but I also…

News In Brief

Pfizer Announces Breakthrough Medication That Will Treat Executives To New Chalet In Swiss Alps

Local

Knee To Hurt For Rest Of Life After 30-Year-Old Woman Sits Awkwardly For 2 Minutes

OGN

An Uncomfortable Truth: Jerusalem’s Prominence In ‘Assassin’s Creed’ Means It Is Undeniably A Holy Site For Gamers As Well

Illustration for The Definitive Guide To Grilling The Perfect Steak

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How To Talk To Someone Who’s Hesitant About Getting A Covid Vaccine

5 Things To Know About ‘Cruella’

5 Things To Know About ‘Loki’

5 Things To Know About Belarus’ Leader Diverting A Ryanair Flight

Entertainment

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Entertainment

Man Waking Up Spends Few Relaxing Moments In Bed Before Remembering He’s Kevin Spacey

Entertainment

Former Child Stars Describe Growing Up In The Industry

Entertainment

5 Things To Know About ‘Loki’

Entertainment

Celebrity Designers Describe Their Home Decluttering Tips

Sports

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Sports

Kobe Bryant Mural Starts Ominously Scowling After Lakers First-Round Collapse

Opinion

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American Voices

Keystone XL Pipeline Project Officially Terminated

American Voices

Turkey Plagued By Largest Outbreak Of ‘Sea Snot’ On Record

American Voices

U.S. To Donate 500 Million Doses Of Covid Vaccine Globally

American Voices

Tips For Writing A Graduation Speech

Turkey Plagued By Largest Outbreak Of ‘Sea Snot’ On Record

The Onion’s Guide To Critical Race Theory

Illinois Restaurants Reopen At 95% Capacity After Factoring In Quarantine Weight Gain

Most Shocking UFO Sightings Throughout History

Man Waking Up Spends Few Relaxing Moments In Bed Before Remembering He’s Kevin Spacey

Man Flattered Spam Caller Believes He Has Car, House, Savings Account To Defraud

Community Places Candles, Flowers Atop Spot Where Cyclist Currently Bleeding Out

Man Shopping For Bowling Shoe That Can Also Be Worn To Funerals, Weddings

Pfizer Announces Breakthrough Medication That Will Treat Executives To New Chalet In Swiss Alps

Knee To Hurt For Rest Of Life After 30-Year-Old Woman Sits Awkwardly For 2 Minutes

An Uncomfortable Truth: Jerusalem’s Prominence In ‘Assassin’s Creed’ Means It Is Undeniably A Holy Site For Gamers As Well

The Definitive Guide To Grilling The Perfect Steak

Theater Company’s Fundraising Email More Tragic Than Any Play It’s Ever Produced

Woman’s Anecdote About Boyfriend Getting Annoyed Undercut By Widespread Knowledge Of His Anger Issues

White House Press Flight Delayed After Biden Gets Into Plane’s Engine

White House Press Flight Delayed After Biden Gets Into Plane’s Engine

L.A. Mayor Prevents His Kid From Lazing About By Installing Spikes On Family Couch

Dianne Feinstein Considers Eliminating Filibuster Over Upcoming Vote On Smoot-Hawley Tariff

Biden Offers Infrastructure Concession By Partially Demolishing Brooklyn Bridge

Kyrsten Sinema Defends Senate Filibuster As Necessary For Her To Stay Politically Relevant

The Final Episode Of The Topical

Papa John’s Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce

Scientists Warn Americans To Stay Away From That Bird

Community Places Candles, Flowers Atop Spot Where Cyclist Currently Bleeding Out

Benihana Asks Diners To Surrender Their Phones So Everyone Can Be In The Moment During Onion Volcano

Desperate Employer Offers Basic Dignity To Incentivize New Hires

Man Emerges From Pandemic With Spine Contorted Into Full 360-Degree Loop

Man Flattered Spam Caller Believes He Has Car, House, Savings Account To Defraud

The Onion’s Complete Wedding Planning Timeline

Celebrity Designers Describe Their Home Decluttering Tips

Blockbuster Movies You Never Knew Were Actually Remakes

Old Things In Your House That Are Actually Worth A Fortune

Environmentalism Win: For Every PS5 Sold, Sony Will Plant A PS4 In The Amazon Rainforest

E3 Fans Will Love This: The G7 Summit

An Uncomfortable Truth: Jerusalem’s Prominence In ‘Assassin’s Creed’ Means It Is Undeniably A Holy Site For Gamers As Well

Most Anticipated E3 Announcements

How To Talk To Someone Who’s Hesitant About Getting A Covid Vaccine

5 Things To Know About ‘Cruella’

5 Things To Know About ‘Loki’

5 Things To Know About Belarus’ Leader Diverting A Ryanair Flight

Man Waking Up Spends Few Relaxing Moments In Bed Before Remembering He’s Kevin Spacey

Former Child Stars Describe Growing Up In The Industry

5 Things To Know About ‘Loki’

Celebrity Designers Describe Their Home Decluttering Tips

Man Shopping For Bowling Shoe That Can Also Be Worn To Funerals, Weddings

‘Missing Something, James?’ Cackles Rockets GM Holding Harden’s Hamstring

Report: Easiest Path To U.S. Visa Still Signing with Dallas Mavericks

Kobe Bryant Mural Starts Ominously Scowling After Lakers First-Round Collapse

Keystone XL Pipeline Project Officially Terminated

Turkey Plagued By Largest Outbreak Of ‘Sea Snot’ On Record

U.S. To Donate 500 Million Doses Of Covid Vaccine Globally

Judge Overturns Assault Weapons Ban, Likens AR-15 To Swiss Army Knife