Dog Can’t Believe Owner Left On Fucking MSNBC To Keep It Company While She At Work

OKLAHOMA CITY—Expressing outrage at the obnoxious programming he’d be forced to sit through for the next several hours, local dog Tuffy reportedly couldn’t believe his owner had left the television tuned to fucking MSNBC Thursday to keep him company while she was working. “Jesus Christ, how does she expect me to watch…

Mueller Admits A Smarter President Would’ve Totally Found Way To Stop Investigation By Now

WASHINGTON—In response to President Donald Trump’s continued attacks against the legitimacy of his probe into 2016 election interference, Special Counsel Robert Mueller admitted Thursday that a smarter president would have totally found a way to stop the investigation by now. “Listen, my investigation has been going…

‘We Will Not Repeat The Mistakes Of The 2016 Election,’ Vows Nation Still Using Internet

WASHINGTON—Promising that they had learned their lesson and would not fall into the same traps they did in the last presidential election cycle, the U.S. populace vowed Wednesday not to repeat the errors of 2016, while, at the same time, nearly every American voter continued to use the internet. “We’re not going to…

Mental Health Experts Recommend Calling Fratricide Prevention Hotline For Anyone Contemplating Killing Brother

WASHINGTON—In an effort to curb the more than 450,000 Americans annually who have ideations of taking their male sibling’s life, experts from the American Psychological Association strongly recommended Wednesday calling the Fratricide Prevention Hotline to anyone who might be contemplating killing their brother. “If…

‘Anthem’ Developers Assure Players Whiteboard With Words ‘Jetpack+Guns?’ Will Be Playable Game By Friday

EDMONTON, ALBERTA—Promising that they were tirelessly working to resolve issues with the long-anticipated blockbuster Anthem, developers at BioWare assured players this week that the whiteboard in their office that reads “Jetpack+Guns?” would be a fully functional and fleshed-out game by Friday. “We know the thousands…

Advertisement