Beyoncé Begins Painful Surgical Transformation To Prepare For Role In Live-Action ‘Lion King’ Remake

NEW YORK—In a move that many observers say underscores her commitment to the part, Beyoncé reportedly began a painful surgical transformation Thursday in preparation for her role as the lioness Nala in the live-action remake of The Lion King. “It will take many intensive and frankly excruciating procedures before she…

Kevin Spacey Responds To Assault Allegations By Seeking Treatment For Homosexuality

LONDON—Responding to multiple allegations of sexual misconduct, actor Kevin Spacey announced Thursday that he will immediately be seeking treatment for homosexuality. “In light of my prior actions, I am committed to getting the help I need to make sure that I’ll never be gay again,” said Spacey, adding that he was…

Excitement Shifts To Concern After Coworker Brings Baked Goods Into Office For Fourth Consecutive Day

CHICAGO—Saying the desserts had begun to seem increasingly ominous, coworkers of Angela Shankman told reporters Thursday that their initial excitement had shifted to concern after their colleague brought baked goods into the office for the fourth consecutive day. “Don’t get me wrong, I love coming to work to find…

Houston Residents Admit World Series Win Won’t Heal Hurricane-Ravaged City As Much As Super Bowl Win Would

HOUSTON—The Houston populace admitted to reporters Tuesday night that the Astros’ World Series victory will not heal the hurricane-ravaged city quite as much as a Super Bowl win would. “This will do a lot for us, but to be perfectly honest, it’s not going to usher in the same kind of renewed hope and pride we’d get…

UPDATE: ‘The Onion’ Is Immediately Suspending Production On Our Basketball Infographic Video Directed By Brett Ratner

CHICAGO—In light of recent developments, The Onion has made the difficult decision to halt production on an upcoming infographic video directed by Brett Ratner. The 30-second video, entitled “5 Things To Know About The 2017-2018 NBA Season,” would have featured several stock images paired with interesting facts about…

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Trump Boys Attempting To Tunnel From South Lawn To FBI Headquarters To Free Paul Manafort From Custody

WASHINGTON—Armed with all the special tools they’d need for the mission, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. on Wednesday were reportedly attempting to build a tunnel from the White House South Lawn to FBI Headquarters in order to free Paul Manafort from custody. “We’re gonna sneak into the jail from below, rescue him,…

Car Passengers Launch Urgent, Mid-Street Investigation Into Whether Woman In Parking Spot Coming Or Going

PHILADELPHIA—Craning for a suitable vantage point from which to observe their subject’s movements, local car passengers launched an urgent, mid-street investigation Wednesday into whether a woman in the parking spot they wanted was coming or going. “Her lights are on, but do you see which direction her car is moving?”…